A/N: This chapter was necessitated by the burning question, what happened to that Ruth Westen? Other than Fiona's snide remark that she fell off the wagon again and wasn't fit to be a mother, what became of her? How did Charlie's grandmother end up with full custody? What did it mean when Leo Sapienza said Ruth had been paying Nate's debts but now she wasn't? Are we to believe she just vanished into thin air?
This chapter directly references "Blackbird's Song," the brilliant backstory of Madeline and Ruth's life prior to the opening of Season Seven by Purdy's Pal as well as "Pale Imitation," her look at Fiona's pre-7.01 life.
And fear not, dear readers, the next several chapters will all be from the POV's of our fav dysfunctional couple, although they are not yet anywhere near on the same page, at least we know we'll get there
"My Immortal"
The slim blonde wrapped the thin jacket tightly around herself as she peered out the window of the secure studio apartment at the Roberts Common, watching the people of Fargo going about their business.
She was going to have to get some warmer clothes for this climate before she dared to venture outdoors. There was allegedly a job waiting for her at North Dakota State University when she was ready to start.
But Amy Lee Solverson wasn't sure if she was ever going to be ready to face her new life as unmarried and unattached woman and keep her sobriety. Leaning her forehead against the cold glass, she sighed.
The government agent who'd escorted her from Miami to Red River Recovery in Dilwirth, Minnesota had been the same one who had brought her to her current abode. She hoped her many months at the facility would be sufficient to keep her on the straight and narrow and sincerely hoped that she'd made the right decision in agreeing to go into witness protection and surrendering her parental rights to Nate's mother.
The desperate woman had come to Miami intent on getting Michael Westen to safeguard his nephew.
So when someone who'd said he was her ex-brother-in-law's boss had come to see her at Harbor Valley Rehab in Miami and had promised to use Agency resources to protect her son and make sure the parade of dangerous men from her ex's past stayed far away from her and Charlie, she had leaped at the chance.
But the devil had truly been in the details of that deal put in front of Ruth Westen while she'd been in hell.
~~I'm so tired of being here
suppressed by all my childish fears~~
There had been so many voices in her head then…Sometimes they were old voices.
"You need to keep your looks, girl. You're not smart enough for anything else."
"Nobody likes a sour puss, dear. Smile… whether you feel like it or not. Remember, your life is amazing."
"You better marry money, cuz you're outta here the day you turn eighteen. I'm not running a charity."
"It's just to take the edge off and you eat less if you have a drink with lunch, don't need all that protein."
But those weren't the voices that hurt her the most.
~~And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave~~
She'd been curled up on her side in the center of her bed at Harbor Village Rehab, the shaky blonde covering her head with her hands and trying vainly to shut out the sound of her former spouse's ghost.
"Come on, Ruthie… It wasn't all bad, was it?"
Of course it wasn't all bad. She wasn't a complete idiot.
"I just wanted to give you a good life."
Yeah, their road to hell had been paved with all kinds of good intentions…
~~'Cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone~~
"Ruthie, you were the only one who got me, who believed in me."
It really wasn't his fault… Not to start with… his childhood had been a horror; hers was better… sorta…. Ultimately, she'd learned to hide her problems behind a bright smile and a bubbly personality. He'd tried…
"You know I loved you, baby. More than anything…"
He did love her, she knew that. But he loved chasing Lady Luck more and the bitch didn't love him back…
"Why'd you bail on us, Ruthie? Why'd ya leave me? I woulda been there for you, back there in Vegas."
"If Nate had been with his son, he wouldn't have gone off with Michael on that damn mission!"
~~These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase~~
It wasn't her fault that he couldn't stay home, couldn't stay out the bars and the casinos. He'd been with his mother in Miami when Nate had gone off with his brother to Atlantic City. How was she responsible?
It was that bitter old woman who'd left one last horrid message on her phone telling her he was dead and she wasn't welcome at the funeral either who was responsible more than anyone for what had happened.
Madeline was the one who had raised an addict, a con man and a gambler just like her husband, a dreamer who just wanted to step out of Michael's shadow and never could.… They were to blame for this!
Too damned bad she couldn't make herself believe that for more than a minute at a time…
During the day, she could fight off the memories… She had counseling sessions and meals to distract her.
But at night…
~~When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me~~
Sometimes they were happy dreams… He was sweet talking her over the blackjack table… six decks later and she'd agreed to meet him after work. She'd seen him around the Bellagio from time to time and his reputation had preceded the slim gambler with the engaging smile. His luck was erratic, but he was a charmer and a talker and he made her laugh and life hadn't given her a lot of reasons to really laugh…
~~You used to captivate me by your resonating light~~
Sometimes they were not so happy… Taking a cab to the hospital and bringing their son into the world by herself because her husband was gambling again after he'd promised her he'd stopped and couldn't tear himself away from the table at the Horseshoe… But he'd waited on her hand and foot afterwards. He'd been the one to care for Charlie when she'd gone back to work and she thought they'd turned a corner…
~~Now I'm bound by the life you left behind~~
Even when they started out well, the dreams would turn… a parade of low lives, bookies and fences… stolen goods and pawned possessions… drunkards and drug dealers… card games, cocktails and cocaine…
~~Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams~~
"Where Daddy…?"
"Babe, it'll be fine. We just need to do this until I get paid on that limo contract…"
"I want Daddy!"
"Ruthie, don't be like that. I'm doing this for us."
~~Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me~~
And then there were the nightmares… Nate begging her to let him come home before he was shot repeatedly before her eyes and lying cold in a coffin, Charlie ripped screaming from her arms by the men who came to collect his debts, being beaten, being violated by those same monsters as Charlie watched.
~~These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase~~
Ruth remembered when she'd given up trying to hold herself together and had let the soul wracking sobs find their release, freeing her pain while wrapping her scarred arms around her still healing broken ribs. She'd sworn when she'd gotten out of rehab the first time that it would be the last time. She wasn't going to turn into her mother, even if everything that had happened would be enough to make anyone drink.
They'd gotten married too fast. He'd taken on a business too fast. They'd spent their money too fast. They'd had a child too fast. Everything was too much too soon. She'd tried to help him, encourage him…
~~When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me~~
Rolling into a sitting position, the battered blonde had tried to bring herself under control before all the crying could turn into vomiting again, something that had definitely been impeding her recovery from her injuries. She had fled to Vegas to get away from her marital problems and all the various miscreants that were owed money until she'd been forced to flee from Vegas and return to Miami. Nate and Madeline had always acted like Michael and his crazy friends were some kind of super heroes, so they could damned well defend them from the hordes of the villains coming to collect a pound of flesh.
When his associates had caught up with her back in her hometown, she'd tried paying off Leo Sapienza. But it had never been good enough. Nate had borrowed far more than she could ever earn or borrow.
She'd actually been considering their demand that she steal from her employer when she'd lost her job. It had started with her ex and his mother harassing her to take him back while trying to raise a grieving toddler who hated daycare and wanted his Daddy and ended in too many missed shifts and failed drug tests because she couldn't get through the night without a little help for the harassment and intimidation.
~~I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along~~
At her wit's end, she'd driven cross country in her depleted and admittedly hungover condition, passing out and wrapping her car around a light pole before she could make it to her destination: Castle Westen.
Coming to in a hospital under police observation, Ruth had been frantic. Although she'd learned that while she'd been unconscious, her baby boy was unharmed and in the temporary custody of his grandmother, that hadn't alleviated her problem with the loan shark or her potentially landing in jail for the accident.
But then she'd had a visit from a young Latino covered in tattoos and sympathy, who had told her they would see to it that she got the help she needed and keep Charlie safe. Carlos Cruz might not have been Michael Westen; however, he was the only one offering to help. Lacking any alternatives, she had agreed.
Now with the length of the country between where she was now and where she had been as she'd spiraled out of control, the grieving blonde bit her lip, nearly drawing blood trying to contain the tears that wanted to break out again. She had been doing so well here at Harbor Village. She would have been discharged soon and was looking forward to see her precious Charlie. But what she had seen when she'd gone out to take a short walk in the neighborhood around the facility for some fresh air had been a waking nightmare.
"Hope your stint in rehab straightened you out cuz Leo Sapienza is still waiting for his money. Don't make me come and see you again… I wouldn't want to have to hurt you like that again… or maybe I would..."
~~When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I held your hand through all of these years~~
In a blind panic, she'd run from the man who had beaten and raped her at his boss' behest, destroying her home and forcing her to flee Vegas, to the first public place that would let her use a phone. Calling the number she'd memorized, refusing to go back outside until she had spoken to Carlos Cruz. While she'd sat in the office of the nice lady at the Tabernacle of God, unable to contain her fears as she'd waited for her alleged savior to return the call, she had, much to her own shame, polished off two bottles of communion wine in her attempt to settle her shattered nerves. When she'd come to, she was back in a detox room.
~~But you still have all of me~~
Amy Lee Solverson turned away from the window and went to sit on her new sofa, pulling her knees up to her chin and wrapping her arms around her shins. When she'd been notified she'd had a visitor, she'd been paralyzed with fear, uncertain if it was her black haired muscle bound tormentor or the young tan man she'd tried to call for help. It had turned out to be a pale middle aged man with the receding hairline and the multitude of facial moles in an off the rack suit that screamed government employee.
But the man who'd said he was Michael's boss had offered her a new life far away from her troubles in Miami and Las Vegas, a safe place for her son and when she recovered, a fresh start for her. Too bad the sonuvabitch skimmed over the part where they'd be living on two different sides of the continental US.
But in her shattered state of mind, she hadn't bothered to read the fine print and probably wouldn't have understood it if she had. Swiping at her eyes, Ruth sighed. She hadn't been able to protect her baby boy from his father's poor choices before, how would she have had any prospects of doing any better without serious help? Hell, she couldn't even protect herself… Charlie was safe now. That was all that mattered.
Even if it meant she would never see or hear from her child again…
