So, this sidewalk we're on totes leads to an alternate reality; We're going to see the odd, peculiar and even the anomalous. We can get off anytime we like, but we like, can never leave since the anomalous is like, a byproduct of humanity's imagination. We've already entered this twisted dimension where reality is a relative concept. Buckle up, because right now, I'm going to tell you my story of how I ended up in…
The Aphotic Zone.
"So, how was my Rod Serling impression? It was totes cool right? Did it creep you out? Because it creeped me out. Anyways, on with the story…"
It all started out as a normal day. I was doing my normal routine of getting ready to go to work at Reiningers, my favorite shopping center at the mall (which is saying a lot considering I am a shopping expert) [Hey there are my thoughts, this is just like what those people that write those cringy stories call…what was it? MSTKKK-ing, mistaking? Mistaking, yeah that's it] {Can it even be MST3King if you're MSTing yourself, Leni? Just focus on the damn flashback!}
"Right, Sorry future Leni, anyway. So, I was already to headed to work. Apparently, mom and dad had something to do at Lynn's Table, so they had to leave Lori to babysit Lily just as she set up a romantic date with Bobby and as she told me after the clothes swapping incident, she will not every bring Lily on a Lobby date every again. (It was interesting hearing Lori explain to Bobby about that, but you'll have to get that information out of her.) So, that means Lincoln had to watch over our remaining siblings, I'm sure he already told you with his 4th wall powers (Lola has it, too) [So, we all should have it] {And it can be taught to anyone, since Linky taught it to Ronnie Anne.}
So, I arrive at Reiningers and head to the break room where my coworkers/friends, Miguel and Fiona already there. That was where the weirdness started (For you see, while I was at the bus stop waiting to take me there, I walked under a pretty rainbow crack in the sky, bathing me in a polychromatic aura) [I totes could use that color scheme in one of my designs.]
"Hey, Leni!" My friends greet me
"Hey, you guys." I cheerfully respond back
I glance over at the vending machine for a quick snack to eat. Miguel was already eating his favorite ham and scallion lemon herb goat cheese scones and Fiona was already chugging some sort of fancy iced chai latte which I'm sure has some sort of organic milk in it. (I'm not sure about this, but I think at least one of them is from Fern Valley) [Yeah, maybe Miguel. I mean, Fern Valley is the place where all the hipsters of Michigan go to and if his breakfast is anything to go by, it's definitely fancier than avocado toast] {Now I wonder if either of them are from Hazeltucky, since they are Royal Woods' ultimate rivals in…pretty much everything, my sister Lynn told me that.}
"Hmm, I didn't have time to get something from Dim Yum (that place has the best dumplings) [All of us agree.] and I'm feeling extra daring today, if only there was something that can satisfy my cravings."
As if on cue, the vending machine transformed from a standard vending machine into a black box with buttons on it. There's no way to see what's inside it, or even what was being offered. {I thought it was a refrigerator at first) [No way, that's totally an ironclad safe] {Whatever it was, I was like, totes hungry, so I could have welded a hole in it to get whatever comestible was inside.}
"Woah, did the vending machine just change?!"
"Yeah, it looks like a safe now."
"Leni, try getting something from it."
I inspect the machine, only to have my disappointment immeasurable and my day ruined.
The machine only accepts Japanese yen, and filthy gaijin like us Americans can't get yen easily. The machine needs 500¥ to work. Dang it, now where can we get some yen?
"Hey, look."
I look at the break room table to find a pile of yen. Counting it, it appears to be 5000¥ in assorted coins and bills. I put 500¥ in and…
The machine gave me a penis. You know, coming from a Japanese vending machine I should have expected this. I still eat it. (I know that some pervs will be looking at me funny for eating it and crack jokes) [You know what, fuck you, it's not like you'd eat it anyway] {It still tasted delicious, if not a little too sweet.}
"Wow, Leni. I can't believe you just ate a chocolate dick."
The whole room had to keep from snickering at that remark.
"So, does anyone else want to try their luck?"
"I guess I will."
Miguel puts in 500¥ and gets a can of Pringles.
"Aw yeah, sweet! Sour cream and onion flavor, too!"
He begins eating the Pringles.
"Uh guys, I can't stop eating them."
"Yeah Pringles are super addictive."
"No, I mean I literally can't stop eating them, help."
I look at the can. It says Prangles and the mascot looks like a demon. Wait…penis shaped chocolate and demon Pringles are two specific items from a certain vending machine from…oh, no. Is that really…?!
"I hope that was a real can of Pringles!"
The Prangles can is replaced with a Pringles™ can of the same flavor. The cognitohazardous effects immediately cease.
"Oh, god! Thank you, Leni! It's like the Pringles can was forcing me to do nothing but eat from it. I feel like I gained 25 kilograms just from that alone!"
"Guys, I think I recognize this machine. I saw Lucy looking it up once. I think that that is SCP-261-EN, Pan-Dimensional Vending. It's a Japanese vending machine that can dispense any consumable item if one puts at least 500¥ in it. The machine doesn't even have to be plugged in in order for it to work. But sometimes, some of the items aren't compatible with this alternate universe. The more it's used, the more unstable it becomes. It also becomes unstable if it isn't plugged in."
"Wow, that's crazy."
"This thing is too dangerous, I want a better vending machine."
SCP-261-EN immediately gets replaced by another vending machine. Unfortunately, it's another SCP. And even the normies know about this one if they've played Containment Breach.
"Hey, isn't that SCP-294-EN? The Coffee Machine?"
We are immediately called to work by our boss. We must have been in the break room a while. Ah, well it was a slow day, so we took our lunch breaks and see that the coffee machine is still there.
"Well, we already know what this one does."
"Yeah, I just want the old vending machine back."
261-EN appears to replace 294-EN.
"No, I mean the old vending machine."
The original vending machine replaces 261-EN.
Well, after all that craziness, I want some pizza."
"How about some Little Caesars? I know a pizza we can split."
A Little Caesars pizza box shows up. Whatever it is, it will be great; No one knows what it is, because it's 458, the wondrous pizza box! I heard that some cosmic entity chants that every time their family gets Little Caesars. It's kind of cute.
I'm not allowed to tell you what pizza it was because [DATA REDACTED] so until then, you can all use your imaginations as to what the pizza was.
"Well, that was delicious."
"Now to send the pizza box back to where it belongs."
The pizza box vanishes.
The rest of the day was uneventful. There was only like 20 customers today and they were all spread out. Maybe because we had a super sale only like 2 weeks ago. I said goodbye to my friends and headed back home. Why did those two vending machines pop up? Does this mean the SCP Foundation is real? Is this all some elaborate prank? Does this mean we have entered a broken masquerade situation? Why was that stuff randomly appearing out of thin air? The sky breaking, I totes get that. I saw it on Ed, Edd and Eddy once, and even though Antonucci's world is more surreal than The Persistence of Memory, there are stranger things happening in our world.
If only I had known that this would be the beginning of the end. The lives of everyone, my friends, family and everyone I cherish…all of their fates would be in my hands. I needn't suffer alone but I would be the one to lead them through the shadows of the valley of death. Ut victoria an moreremur…
This is the way it ends.
