"We both know that I have 4th wall powers, so I'll tell you what's going on. See, you all know that I'm a pageant powerhouse, right? Well, there's another pageant going on right now. It's called the Toxic Terrors pageant. I don't know what you need to do, but I have to enter to defend my crown from my rivals, especially that Lindsay Sweetwater. You guys think I'm bad? She's easily at least 10 times worse than me. You'd know this if you read the manga of our adventures. Anyway, skip this one, it's just Lola being Lola. And now, back to your regularly scheduled chaos."
"LANA! WHERE'S MY HOT PINK PRINCESS DRESS?!"
"YOU'RE WEARING IT RIGHT NOW!'
"YOU UNCULTURED PHILISTINE, THIS IS FUCHSIA, NOT HOT PINK!"
"LOOK, I KNOW YOU HAVE SOME STUPID PAGEANT GOING ON…"
"HOW DARE YOU, THIS IS THE TOXIC TERRORS PAGEANT, AND I HAVE TO SHOW UP THAT LINDSAY SWEETWATER AND PRESERVE MY CROWN!"
"Oh dear…"
Linky enters our room and sees me and my worse half fighting each other again. We notice him and we make him the tiebreaker in yet another one of their quarrels.
"Lincoln, Lana doesn't understand I have to keep my winning streak alive. Get her to help me prepare for my pageant!"
"Lincoln, Lola is just being her bossy self once again to rope me into helping her with something she knows she's going to win!"
"Well no, I did get 4th place in that southeastern Michigan pageant…"
"Exactly, so why do you care so much about winning?!"
He's heard enough.
"Both of you, quiet!"
We look at him.
"Lana, do you remember what F.U.N is?"
"Oh, yeah, that SpongeBob song!"
"Actually, it stands for functional universe value!" We all hear Lisa respond
Lana begins to sing the song, but Lincoln interrupts her.
"F is for futile, know that you can't resist; U is for useful, all are cogs in a machine; N is for nothingness, now cease and desist in totality."
Somewhere, a small black-haired girl in goth like attire nods silently at the U.N.F.U.N song in approval.
"That's not how the song was!" Lana protests
"She's right, Linky; Because it was, F is for fire that burns down the whole town, U is for uranium…bombs, N is for no survivors when you conquer the city."
"Well, that's just completely idiotic."
"I like my version better. Anyways, Lana, help Lola with her pageant."
I fist pump the air, Linky finally sided with me instead of Lana for once! I was about to do a celebratory dance before I interrupt her.
"If you do a Fortnite dance, I'm changing my mind!"
Right, I can't dance without making all the cosmic entities cringe. I still hear complaints about me dabbing in that GoNoodle dance remix video. Sorry, but we are contractually obligated by our Mammonic entity that you guys know as…Vilecom, I think… maybe it was Via com. Something like that. Besides, I'm pretty sure it makes a braindead kid out there happy. It's kind of like the Make A Wish Foundation but they won't die afterwards. That's what I tell myself to go to sleep at night. It's still not as bad as Luna almost selling her soul to archdemon Sandalphon to get the fame and fortune a music career gets you. How do I know it's a demon? Lucy told me…I think his brother is Mettaton and he was a demon in Supernatural, so…
"Hey, Lana; Can you help me find my dress so I can get out of here in time for the pageant?"
"Did you try looking in your closet?"
"What kind of idiot do you take me for? I already looked in there!"
Wait, is she suggesting that I overlooked something? Well, I'll humor her. I go over to the closet and open it, seeing hundreds of pink dresses, all in different shades and hues.
"They're all pink to me. We're going to be here for at least an hour!"
"There it is, right next to Hot Magenta and Lavender Blush."
I take the Hot Pink dress off its hanger and put in on. I grab its matching set of gloves from my vanity and put on my makeup to get ready for the pageant.
"Thanks for your help, Lans! I'll see you later!"
I bolt out the door and get to my car. I put the keys in the ignition and drive off to Miss Liza's Pageant Training Center, which is honestly the last place I thought Royal Woods would hold it. On the way, I get bathed in a rainbow light. Weird, since it didn't rain yesterday, but whatever.
I arrive at the place and see the other contestants. They all give a bellicose glower at me. Bow before the queen of pageants, peasants. This is my home turf. I even see that brat Lindsay. Thankfully, she hasn't seen me yet. Better save the fight for the pageant.
I head into the bathroom and wash my hands. I tense my arms in anticipation. I hear a sizzling sound…is someone cooking burgers or something? Wait, that doesn't make sense. Burgers in a bathroom, gross! I look down at my arms and see a magenta and a clear translucent swirled mass and notice that my gloves have dissolved in the clear liquid. The clear solution spills onto the concrete and starts to eat away at it. This must mean it's one of those "acids" that Lisa plays around with… I think she calls these types "corrosive"; Oh no! My beautiful skin! It'll be mangled and burnt away! I need to wash this acid off!
I try to turn on the faucet on full blast to power wash the acid off. All I did was melt the knob.
"Why won't this acid go away?!"
I try tensing my arms again. The acidic solution disperses. To my surprise, my arms are still beautiful, but the gloves are unsalvageable.
"What the heck is going on?!"
I leave the bathroom and mingle with the others for about a minute. That brat Lindsay approaches me. It actually was like that anime with all the buff dudes.
"Oh, you still have the nerve to come here?"
"I can't defend my title without being here."
"Then exercise your futile attempt at power, it's my time now!"
I go over to her.
"Well, well, well. It looks the pink powerhouse is losing her edge! I can't believe you would take a swim before a big competition."
"What are you talking about?"
"Don't play dumb with me, you smell like pool water!"
"I think you can't smell; I smell like perfume."
"No, you smell like pool water, you are the one who can't smell."
Lindsay starts coughing.
"Why is it getting so hard to breathe in here?"
"Is there a gas leak?"
Everyone is murmuring on what is happening.
"I can't see and my throat feels like it's on fire!"
Everyone leaves the area, this is kind of more important than a pageant. The cops are immediately called to see if there's anything odd about the area that would cause this. EMTs arrive to take Lindsay to the emergency room. The police begin interviewing everyone, including me.
"What's your name, little girl?"
"Lola Loud."
"Ok, Lola. Did you see anything out of the ordinary today?"
"No. I, like all the others were here competing in the pageant. We stopped as soon as Lindsay was showing those symptoms."
"I see."
"She mentioned her throat and eyes burning, I think she had blurry vision and trouble breathing. It's really strange. She also said I smell like pool water, but I haven't swum in a pool today."
The officer sniffs me.
"She's right, you smell strongly of chlorine."
"Well, you smell of nicotine."
"Well, you annoying brat (cough, cough) some of us are trying to quit smoking. Right now, I'm on Juul pods."
"Aren't those even worse, since they're just pure nicotine?"
"Yeah, cherry flavored nicotine."
The officer coughs up a storm.
"Sir, have you tried patches? I heard those help with smoking."
"I (cough, cough) might try that (cough, cough). Thanks, Lola."
Huh, I sure hope the officer can kick his heavy smoking habit. Well, this was a strange day…
And as if on cue, Lisa arrives in a hazmat suit. As if the day couldn't get any weirder.
"I heard about the pageant being canceled on the news! Right now, it looks like it's just local news, but someone might have tipped off CNN. I think Anderson Cooper said something about there being a possible terrorist attack here, so they sent Jim Acosta to "verify" the story."
Ugh, CNN. Even I could lie better than those idiots.
"Well, I'm here to take you home. The biohazard suit is just a precaution."
We take my car home. Lisa takes me to her laboratory and begins to experiment on me. Why must almost every bad thing happen to either Lincoln or me?
