"Please, stand here."
Lola does what Lisa says.
"Now, I'm going to see if there's anything weird about you. Well, aside from your narcissistic personality disorder, that is. Now, have you seen anything like rainbow cracks in the sky, or maybe a rainbow aura or light?"
"Well, now that you mention it, I did see a rainbow light as I was driving to the pageant."
"Interesting, did the light touch you?"
"I think so?"
"Is there anything interesting that happened when you were at the pageant?"
"Yes! My arms were coated in this clear liquid. It ate my gloves, the plastic faucet knob and even the concrete floor! I was sure it would have eaten through my beautiful skin…but it didn't…for some reason."
"Odd. Do you mind if we do some tests?"
"Uh, sure?"
Lola is unsure how she activated this ability last time. Can she just will it to happen? She tries doing so. Her arms are coated with a clear liquid. Lisa attempts to collect some samples, but her collection supplies get dissolved in it.
"It appears that you can generate a strong acid. Well, I was going to analyze it, but apparently it is too strong for that. I do have a chemical formula scanner so this might work."
Lisa attempts to use the chemical formula scanner.
"No known substance. This liquid is the most similar to HClO4." The scanner reads in a robotic tone
"What does that mean?"
"It means Lana was right. You really are an acidic person to be around. This anomalous acid functions similar to perchloric acid. This acid is super corrosive and can melt almost anything. I want you to try and melt something."
Lisa hands Lola a bunch of stuff.
Lola touches a piece of wood; Dissolved
One of Lisa's flasks; Dissolved
A ceramic dinner plate; Dissolved
A piece of silverware; Dissolved
Lincoln's journal; Dissolved
"Wait, what was that?"
"Oh, that was something Lincoln wanted me to destroy."
Lola gives Lisa a suspicious glare. Lisa hands her a piece of metal pipe, which also gets dissolved.
"Acid is strong enough to dissolve steel. I think that is enough for you today."
Lola turns off her acid powers and leaves. Suddenly all of the other siblings crowd Lisa.
"Lisa, you're a genius. Can you explain what's wrong with me?"
"Everyone, step back for a proverbial moment, single file! Now, who wants to go first?"
"Well, I'm literally the oldest, so I should go first."
Lori enters the lab, Lisa begins her tests.
"So, eldest sister, what seems to be the trouble?"
"Well, I was taking Lily out for a stroll when we talked to a Virginian man from Dawsonville. He was making his way up to Minnesota to try some poutine, which you can only get from Canada, apparently."
"I can confirm that. Poutine is extraordinarily delicious for what it is, considering it is just gravy cheese fries. A way better Canadian invention than pineapple pizza, that's for sure."
"Anyways, I saw that the town of Ruckersville turned into a post-apocalyptic wasteland and we were fighting four super powerful entities. The middle creature looked to command the others, xe caused the sky to swirl in a black hole like fashion."
"Did you just use the pronoun xe unironically?"
"Yeah, I identify that creature as either a humanoid abomination or someone's overpowered OC on DeviantArt."
Lisa can't help but cringe at the stupid. If a person was trans, they should be offended by being called something so retarded. It's either he, she, it, or they/them.
Lori continues.
"I also heard a fallout terminal talking about dimensions merging into one and how we are the last hope for all of them, as this "Tyrant Goddess" and her minions cause Singularity. They also mentioned they were following these "sagas" and they were there at the time of the fight. He said he was a last terminal network."
"That is incredibly weird. Do you think you might have future vision?"
"That's what I thought, but I want to be sure that that was what it was, and not some hallucinogenic fever dream."
Lori appears to get another vision.
"Who are you?"
"I am agent Double from the Foundation's Black Wing division. I assume O5-2 has briefed you on the situation?"
"Yes, SCPs are leaking through those Anomalous Bursts!"
"And one of the most dangerous ones has just [DATA EXPUNGED] some idiot was looking for Hillary Rodham Clinton in the Chappaqua woods! It's actually a good thing the anomaly killed him, because if the idiot recorded its face and say a "news source" like CNN plasters it everywhere for ratings, an XK class scenario would happen!"
"Wait, you don't mean…?!"
"The one that escaped this time…was SCP-096-EN, Codename: The Shy Guy, Object Class: Super Euclid, Threat Level: Red, Special Properties: Photoptic Hazard, Compulsory, Relativistic, Violent."
"How can you capture something you can't see?"
"By putting a paper bag over its head. But just in case, I have a weapons grade EMP generator to take out all of New York's power grid. It might make news headlines, but it's better than having a few million people dead from 096-EN. I call it Operation Mitternacht."
"I can teleport you to the woods, but it's one way. You'll have to find a way to transport that thing without attracting any attention."
"Sig? How did you get here?"
"Same way all the others escaped. Through the bursts."
"Shouldn't Site-17 be on lockdown? Especially after I-239-B-CK."
"Hey, Doctor Clef started that incident first!"
"Well, it's nice to see you not in a coma."
"It's nice to see you too, god-auntie Double."
SCP-239-EN generates a portal. Agent Double steps through.
"I had another vision. A badass female agent of the Foundation said a "SCP-096-EN" came through an Anomalous Burst. It killed someone looking for Hillary Clinton in the woods. She was going to EMP blast all of New York so that no one could see its face on technology. She and someone named "Sig" know each other."
"Wait, what? SCP-096-EN?! That anomaly is incredibly dangerous! It can run 35 kilometers per hour at minimum and is damn near indestructible! The world can't survive encountering it! If even ONE PIXEL of its true face is shown, [DATA EXPUNGED]! If you do have future vision, things are going to get super weird!"
Lori leaves, Lana enters.
"I already know what I can do! I can enter media!"
"Oh, really? Prove it?"
Lisa gives Lana one of Lincoln's Ace Savvy Comic books. Lana enters and exits it.
"Ok, you can enter a comic book, but what about a TV show?"
Lisa and Lana go to the TV, Lana enters a SpongeBob episode and exits it as quickly.
"Well, you're right."
"Not only that, time seems to stop when I enter the medium."
"Noted. Alright, next."
Lynn approaches Lisa.
"Oh, you're approaching me?"
"Yeah, I can't get my test results without getting closer."
"Then come as close as you like."
"Really, Lisa?"
"Lori told me about some anime with ridiculously buff dudes that Lincoln watched one time. Lincoln told her he didn't like it that much. Lori loved it, but I think she just watched it to ogle at the muscle heads. She loved the Battle Tendency chapter."
"So, can you just test me?"
"Well, considering your ability only activated when those two thugs almost beat you to death, I don't feel comfortable almost killing you for the sake of science."
"Didn't stop you from electrocuting Lily."
"I'm trying to be slightly more moral."
"Lame, but I guess you're right, I need to be in peak condition for testing."
She leaves. Lily, Lucy, Lincoln, Luan and Luna were tested, but no anomalies were currently found. Maybe they have specific triggers? Sophia said not everyone would be affected by the anomalous radiation. She may be right and I may be crazy, but a lunatic may just be what the world's looking for.
"Is it my turn?" Leni asks demurely
"I suppose, second eldest sister. Well, lets get this over with. What is your ability? Sorry if I sound snappy, I may be suffering from science fatigue."
"Well, anything I want just sort of happens."
"What do you mean?"
"Maybe I should just show you?"
Leni thinks of something she wants. A dress suddenly pops out of thin air. It has a polychromatic pattern consisting of lilac, Kelly green, dark blue, pink, black, orange, red, yellow, purple, turquoise and cyan, adorned with pink diamond shards on the left sleeve, obsidian stones on the right, with a turquoise necklace as a compliment.
"It looks like an eyesore!"
"What a coinci-dink. I think so, too. It was inspired by some fanfic Lana read like four months ago."
Leni poofs the dress out of existence.
"If you really can do anything, you might have the power of essokinesis.
"S-O kin esis?"
"Put simply, the ability to warp reality. This power is super rare and super dangerous. It can make 2+2=Fish! Mayonnaise could actually be considered an instrument!"
"Wait, mayonnaise is already an instrument. Lincoln saw some guy play it on the Internet."
"Gah, Leni! I just told you have a super unstable and dangerous power! The least you can do is try to control it so you don't accidently destroy the multiverse!"
"Oh, reality warping. So that's why 261-EN and 294-EN showed up in our break room."
"Hmm? What did you do?"
"Well, I was super hungry and wanted something from a vending machine, so the universe gave us SCP-261-EN because I was craving something exotic since I didn't have enough time to go to the new dumpling place. Their food is really good, I should take you guys there sometime. But don't worry, the original vending machine is back and is otherwise unchanged!"
Lisa sighs. Welp, we're all screwed. It's just a matter of when.
Everyone except Lola heads down to watch some news. Even though all news now is fake news ever since Trump became president, at least the news has now become a reality sitcom.
"Back to you, Catherine."
"We've just received harrowing footage of a violent brawl at Ketcham Park, where two teens (those are teens, right?) savagely beat a teenage girl to near death. Watch this footage we obtained from a terrified parkgoer just earlier today.
[WARNING: GRAPHIC FOOTAGE]
"Come on. Do you really think we're that stupid?! We know that you scared us in that corn maze last Halloween."
"That was for stealing our neighbors' candy and vandalizing our street."
"Well…"
"It's time for you to receive your complementary beating from us!"
The beating proceeds as normal. They even showed the blood! They weren't kidding when they said graphic violence.
"People from Royal Woods now these terrors as Hank Aguilar and Hawk Mitchell. These two are star football players from our rival town, Hazeltucky. Known for their aggressive behavior on and off the gridiron, they have been assaulting our townspeople for years now."
Diem Doan, victim: "Yeah those two guys toilet papered our street and stole all our chocolate on Halloween. Lucky for me, I already gave all my chocolate to some toddler dressed up like a kangaroo."
Wilbur Huggins, principal of RWES: "Coach Pacowski already told me about those brutes every time we play against HES. Those kids must be taking some sort of performance enhancing drugs. Not even John Cena is that ripped! I kind of understand why one of my students tried to bail out of football."
Lord Tetherby, snobbish rich guy: "I daresay these hooligans would have ransacked Huntington Manor had some boorish poor people not run interference for us. I suppose I owe you a begrudging thanks to you commoners this time. I still want you on the other side of the gate, this is a nice property."
"As you can see, Royal Woods is not to fond of them. Especially after the Loud family scared them off one Halloween night as revenge for the aforementioned candy theft and vandalism of Lincoln Avenue. They were apparently looking for revenge that day and just happened to stumble upon on of them. The victim was 13-year-old Lynn Loud Jr, who happens to be one of Royal Woods' star players. She refused to let us air the interview she had with the cops, but we just received word that the two have been found and arrested. They will be charged with aggravated assault. Royal Woods can rest easy knowing these two hooligans will be off the streets. Drug screen testing has revealed the presence of anabolic steroids. Police in Hazeltucky have launched an investigation into the matter."
"I knew it!" Lynn shouts
Luan changes the channel to CNN. After the 2016 election, they've become her new favorite comedy channel. The only problem is that she's afraid she might lose some brain cells if she watches them for too long.
"We have news of a possible terrorist attack in Royal Woods, Michigan. Our correspondent Jim Acosta is on the scene."
"Wow, CNN using Jim Acosta. This is going to be so funny! Let's see how they botch this story." Luan muses
"Yes, I am here at Miss Liza's Pageant Training Center. What was supposed to be a fun competition for aspiring young future models has ended in tragedy, as an unknown assailant has released a chemical gas attack in the area."
"Chemical gas attack? Maybe someone farted. I wouldn't put it past CNN to call farting biochemical warfare now."
"I know that people see CNN as fake news, but we are serious this time, guys. Two people have already died in the attack. The first recorded death was a decorated Royal Woods officer. He had a heavy smoking problem, but was on the path to turn his life around. He is survived by his wife and two sons. The cause of death was pulmonary oedema."
"This is weird, CNN is trying to get people to believe them." Lincoln comments
"But what solidifies this as a terrorist attack was our second victim. Unlike the officer, she has never smoked a day in her life. She died early this morning at 2:32 AM from a pulmonary embolism. The victim was Lindsay Sweetwater. Lindsay was one of the contestants for the pageant that was cancelled due to the attack."
Hospital Doctor: "Her lungs were almost completely dissolved. A tox screen showed a large amount of phosgene. Symptoms of phosgene poisoning are blurry vision, burning eyes and throat, trouble breathing, coughing, nausea, watery eyes and skin lesions. In later stages, it can lead to difficulty breathing, low blood pressure, pulmonary oedema and heart failure."
"Phosgene was a chemical weapon used during WW1 to choke out the enemy. People are more commonly used to mustard gas being the deadliest chemical weapon, but it was only responsible for 15% of deaths. Phosgene on the other hand was responsible for 80% of chemical weapons deaths. Since all of these were banned by the Geneva conventions. This is an act of war!"
"Phosgene? Impossible. The only phosgene is in laboratories, so how could any phosgene even leave? And why target a pageant center?" Lisa points out
"I have my own theory about this. I think that this is a false flag operation by Donald Trump to destroy the Democrat Communist Party with Russia's help. Trump is finished! Everyone, file impeachment articles immediately!"
"There you have it, Trump is willing to gas America's own citizens to destroy the Left. We should impeach immediately! And if that doesn't work. We should execute him for high treason against the American people!"
Luan switches the channel to SpongeBob.
"Welp, CNN still has Trump Derangement Syndrome." Luan comments "Four more years for memes."
Phosgene? Does Lola have a power like that? If so…
Lisa takes off her hazmat suit and decontaminates it.
"Lola, you might need to wear this."
"Lisa? What's going on?"
"We're going to have to quarantine you."
"Is something wrong? It's my acid power, right?"
"You could say that."
Preliminary reports:
TLH-001: Non-anomalous
TLH-002: Non-anomalous
TLH-003: Object Class: Keter, Threat Level: Red, Special Properties: Violent?
TLH-004: Object Class: Keter, Threat Level: Blue
TLH-005: Non-anomalous
TLH-006: Non-anomalous
TLH-007: Object Class: Euclid, Threat Level: ?, Special Properties: Violent
TLH-008: Non-anomalous
TLH-009: Non-anomalous
TLH-010: Object Class: Keter, Threat Level: Black, Special Properties: Reality Warper
TLH-011: Object Class: Euclid, Threat Level: Green
