Track Featured: Get Schwifty by Ryan Elder ft Justin Roiland
We are treated to a panoramic view of a strange house that we've never seen before. It's eerily quiet in here…maybe the homeowners are at work? Wait, there's a familiar retro theme playing. Strange, it almost sounds like it's filled with despair…I know it's New Game by Gustavo Rangel. Who could stand to listen to this chaotic tune? I mean, Vindicate Me by Jimmy Hinson is obviously the better retro tune. We gently open the door and see…
An emaciated corpse of Lincoln hanging from the ceiling with hyper realistic blood gushing out of his eye sockets!
Nah, I'm kidding…it's just Carol.
Wait, just Carol? Well, if what Libitina showed us is true, only bad things can happen if it's just a character. The people that watch ItsMeJustMe now have an immense fear of her, purely by association. It sure is a good thing that no one can date them, because they could be a yandere, or I could be wrong, I'm just saying…remember, just Monika.
Anyways, while I was wasting your time, Carol had just responded to a call from her former enemy? Rival? Turned best friend, you all know who I'm talking about because she's literally one of the main characters of the show…actually the most annoying character since Lola can actually be funny, sometimes. Anyway…Lori told Carol all about the Anomalous Burst situation. Because honestly, who can ignore giant iridescent cracks in the sky that could possibly give you anomalous powers? Most of Royal Woods knows about them already and the state of Michigan has advised people to stay away from the cracks, because they are unpredictable and if what Lori told her is true, then beings from other dimensions could come in through those cracks! Foxes in an alliance with crystals in a dreamy state out of love and on the run would be pretty crazy after all.
But even more important than that, Lori, her new bestie, has invited her over to watch a funny video that Leni found online. Well, Carol isn't one to turn down such an opportunity. She grabs her trusty cellphone and leaves to go to the Loud House, all while walking through one of those cracks. This one, however hasn't sealed itself up all the way like all the others. Instead, a blood red claw emerges from the crack. A strange red creature that looks like a lizard fused with a viperfish emerges from the crack, which seals up behind it.
Sure, now it seals up when the creature is out of the crack…
Anyways, Carol arrives at the Loud House and heads toward Lori's room.
"Oh, hey Carol. So, here's that video that Leni wanted to show me. I thought it was funny enough to show it to you."
Lori plays the video.
"So, a Xhale City employee freaks out and refuses to serve a Trump supporter. Hello everyone, this is Mr. Obvious, and I have a video for you today that I found posted on Facebook and it basically shows how an employee of a vape shop freaks out. I mean he Literally REEES…"
The employee, who looks like a ginger neckbeard, as the Internet would say, unleashes a high pitched shrill that cracks Lori's phone screen.
"It didn't crack the last time I watched the video."
"…and goes crazy and says all sorts of things to a Trump supporter just because he was wearing a MAGA hat."
"Oh, this is just a guy commenting on it." Lori assures her "This is the actual video and where it gets good."
Carol looks closer at the video. The actual video, filmed by Trump supporter and well-known Internet badass Ian Furgeson.
Ian: "So here we are at Xhale Vapor City in Tucker, Georgia; And I have just been asked to leave the store. He greeted me, that was nice. I did find the item that I wanted and the next thing he said was that he'd like me to leave."
The employee notices him filming and gets triggered.
SJW: "Hey, if you do not stop recording in my store, I'm going to call the police and ask you to leave now."
Ian: "Police, call the…? That'd be awesome! Can we? We can call FOX 5 and all sorts of stuff. I'd like…I would like to purchase something here."
SJW (In the background): "Let me call my boss first."
Ian: "Please, do call your boss, because I will be calling corporate."
SJW: "Go for it."
Ian: "I am looking forward to releasing this video. Cause I just want to purchase something…"
The SJW gets even more triggered and yells at him.
SJW: "FUCK OFF, DUDE. FUCK OFF. GET THE FUCK OFF ME!"'
"So first off, he refuses service just because he sees a person wearing MAGA gear. You know, supporting the president. I'm sure as a conservative and because of this, he assumes he must be a racist, he must be a monster and he even says because he was a Trump supporter and because he hates Trump, wow."
The SJW walks around the store while calling someone.
SJW (on the phone with someone, presumably his boss): "Yeah, I got a fucker in my store, he won't leave. Wears Trump stuff. He's wearing some Trump bullshit and got some racist bullshit on his head, too."
"He proceeds to call the president a treasonous asshole and the man being berated says to the other African American man in the room, "I have no problem with your skin color, sir." You know, I'm not a racist."
At this point, the SJW is so into his tirade that he becomes barely intelligible.
SJW: "FUCKING SAY?! HE'S A FUCKING RACIST MOTHERFUCKER!"
Ian: "Racist? I am not a racist."
SJW: "Yeah!"
Black guy (confused): "Right?"
Ian: "I am not a racist."
SJW: "I'm not serving anyone that has to do with that fucker (President Trump). He's a treasonous asshole."
Ian (to the black guy): "I don't have a problem with you, sir. Whatsoever. I don't."
"So, the employee, the SJW, the libtard, whatever you want to call them, freaks out. Continues to freak out, rampage, and go on a tantrum like a child."
Ian: "I'd like to purchase some of this Naked vape juice, though. If that'd be all right."
SJW: "I don't give a fuck…"
Ian: "Ok, here's where we are at…"
The SJW goes full tantrum. Never go full tantrum.
SJW: "Leave, leave the store, leave the store, LEAVE THE STORE, LEAVE THE STORE! FUCK OFF! I. DON'T. GIVE. A. FUCK. GET OUT!"
Ian: "Dude, go ahead. Take another swing at me. Make contact with me one more time. I'm going to make a deal with you. I want to purchase that vape juice…"
The SJW is so triggered he might go full on Super Saiyan.
SJW: "No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! GET THE FUCK OUT!"
Ian: "If you sell it to me, I won't call the police! What you did was assaulted me, what I need is that (points to vape juice offscreen) for my wife. If you sell it to me, I won't call the fucking cops and press charges for you for assault! I won't call corporate and get you fired! Just sell me the fucking product so I can leave!"
SJW: "What do you want?"
Ian: "Naked. In the strawberry, In a fucking 6 milligrams."
SJW: "Where do you see Naked?"
Ian: "Right here, this shit, where is it? This."
SJW: "Where the fuck do you see it?"
Ian: "Right there. Here. Right next to that. In a 6 milligram, make sure it's a 6 milligram so I don't have to come back."
SJW: "I hope you don't fucking come back to my store."
Ian: "I'll make sure of that."
"And honestly, this brings up an important point. Look at all of the anger and anguish and distrust and hatred in this man. Look at him yelling at an innocent person for doing nothing other than wearing a hat. Think about it, it's always the Democrats who are always saying "the Right is divisive, you divide the country, you spread "hate". But who is spreading division, who is spreading hatred towards his fellow man, towards his fellow citizen? It is the regressive Left that pushes hatred, that pushes division, that has brainwashed people so badly, turn them into such sheep that they attack the first person they see even moderately support the president. This is how far we've fallen. This is the true face of the cult of the regressive Left."
SJW: "Get the fuck out of here, dude. Oh my…fuck."
Ian: "God bless America, capitalism wins again."
SJW: "Fuck your capitalism. Fuck your fucking president, he's a racist, stupid piece of shit. You're a racist, stupid piece of shit. Fuck off."
Ian: "Just ring the shit up; Just ring the shit up, fuckwad. Do my bidding."
SJW: "Man, fuck! Get out! Call the cops! Call the cops! No, I'll call the cops."
Ian: "Sell it to me; Sell it to me, brother."
The SJW tries to help the black guy, who still hasn't fled all this craziness.
Ian: "You done upset me. And you should have helped him first in the first place before you threw a temper tantrum, dipshit. He's standing here waiting for you to ring him up, how fucking…"
SJW: "Get out!"
Ian: "Help your customer!"
SJW: "FUCK OFF! FFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK OOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!"
The SJW autistically shrills.
Lori stops the video.
"The video cuts off, but apparently the black guy apologized to Ian, since he had to deal with this loudmouthed idiot."
"He did get fired, right?"
"Oh yeah. He totally got fired."
"That was the craziest thing I ever saw!"
"I know! How could someone even yell like that?"
"His voice is so loud it could shatter the glass the vape juice was in!"
"I've got to hand it to Ian, he masterfully got his wife's vape juice and did America a solid by removing this lunatic from a place of business."
"I mean, I lean Left, but not so left I fall off the seesaw, like the Commiefornians that are destroying California right now."
"If god exists, I think he's smiting California. There's already a plague of leprosy and their rivers overflowing with the excrement of the sinful. We need to liberate California from the communists and give it back to the Republicans. At least then, California won't be New India."
"Agreed. It's like that SpongeBob quote that Lana told me. These hands weren't meant to create, they only destroy!"
"Anyway, "capitalism wins again?" It's so perfect to use that to troll a socialist!"
"How about, "do my bidding?" It made his voice turn so shrill that even dogs heard it!"
Carol is still laughing at that awesome video, but Lori seems to be entranced by something.
"Hey, Lori? Is something interesting happening out there?"
No response.
"Lori. If you can hear me, blink twice."
She does so and a sickening snap is heard.
"Lori?!"
Carol opens the room and sees Lincoln playing on some new VR headset.
"You ok, little guy?"
"No. This new Metal Gear game is really difficult! I already got neck snapped twice!"
He sighs and stops playing the game.
"Oh, hey Carol. I know Lori wanted you to watch some Internet video today."
"Yeah. I think the video fried her brain though. Must have had too many all-day conversations with Bobby."
"I know the feeling, but at least it means she's distracted so she can't berate me for doing something that annoys her."
"About that. Leni actually told me it was her idea. She said it would be "totes cute" to see the new besties hang out and get along together."
"Really? I'll have to thank her for that."
"Well, I'll leave you alone. I need to think up new strategies to be this new version of Psycho Mantis…"
Lincoln heads into the twins' room while Carol still has a braindead Lori to deal with.
"Well, at least you responded to me by blinking. Uh…dance to Get Schwifty by Ryan Elder ft Justin Roiland."
Not only does she dance to it, she even sings the lyrics!
Oh, yeah!
You gotta get schwifty
You gotta get schwifty in here
It's time to get schwifty
Oh, oh
You gotta get schwifty
Oh, yeah!
And just like a true degenerate, I mean, intellectual, she even takes off her shorts and panties to defecate on the floor, just as the song dictated.
Take off your pants and your panties
Shit on the floor
Time to get Schwifty in here
Gotta shit on the floor
I'm Mr. Bulldops
I'm Mr. Bulldops
Take a shit on the floor
Take off your panties and your pants
It's time to get schwifty in here
New song, schwifty
Double X
Schwifty song, comin' at ya
It's the schwif-schwifty
Hey, take your pants off
It's schwifty time today
Carol is just absolutely shocked that Lori Loud would debase herself by being a 0 IQ intellectual that watches Rick and Morty. Sad thing is that this even isn't the most degenerate thing the Rick and Morty fanbase has done…something about eating McNugget sauce off the street because it was the fabled Schezwan sauce that was mentioned on Rick and Morty. Luckily, the initial shock paralyzed both Carol's brain and nose. Good thing too, because there are three massive dumps of fecal matter on the floor! It would put the homeless in California to shame!
"It sure was a good thing no one recorded that."
"Yeah, it sure would suck for her…" Says a familiar foe
The person climbs down the tree and runs far away from the house. He did see a red lizard nearby. So, it's a good thing he left.
"Ah, shit. Lori! Clean up the mess you made!"
Lori begins to pick up her festering pile of shit with her bare hands but Carol stops her.
"What the fuck?! LORI! Get some gloves before you pick up that shit!"
Lori goes over to Lisa's room.
"Yes?"
"I need some gloves, Lisa."
"What for?"
"Handling a biohazard."
"Hmm, what type?"
"Fecal matter."
Lisa's ears perk up on hearing this.
"Really? Well sure!"
Lisa stops her studies and enters Lori's room and she sees the piles of poop on the floor. Carol is in the corner trying to use her shirt as an impromptu gas mask.
"You're the smart one, right? Can't you vaporize them from existence?"
"Vaporize? These scatological samples are much too precious to destroy. I need them from my gastrointestinal study. But not to worry, Elder sister's friend. I'll get them out of here.
She puts one some gloves and picks up the samples, putting them in some plastic bags. She also puts some experimental carpet cleaner on the floor. Immediately, the fecal stains disappear. Carol sniffs the air and it doesn't smell like shit.
"Ooh, a floral scent."
"You can exit the room now."
Lisa leaves and Lori comes back.
"Lori, why did you make a complete fool of yourself?"
"Because you told me to."
"Well, I miss the old Lori. I want you to go back to normal."
"What are you looking at, Pingrey?"
"Lori, you're back!"
"What are you talking about?"
"You were acting so weird. But at least you are back to normal now!"
"What the? Why am I…?"
"It's a long story."
Lori puts her underwear and shorts back on. Thank god.
Lori gets another vision. This one has Carol confronting a red creature. This creature is talking like her and the location…it's nearby.
"I think something bad is going to happen, Carol."
"What do you mean?"
"I think we should watch the news."
"The news? No one watches that anymore!"
"Just do it."
The teens turn on the news channel.
"We've gotten reports of a Komodo dragon on the streets in Royal Woods. We advise everyone to stay as far away from it as possible. This rare subspecies is red and has no eyes, but is highly predatory has been shown to use mimicry to lure victims out."
"A Komodo dragon? This must be the work of a Florida man!"
"I saw you with that thing. If it really is that dangerous…"
"Well, I have to get home soon."
"Don't go. It's not safe!"
Carol knows but she also knows she can't stay here overnight. She heads out the door and heads back to her own house. About halfway there, she spots the Komodo dragon trying to kill a squirrel. She tries to sneak past it but despite having no eyes, it still senses her and tries to attack!
"Ahh! No! Stop!"
Strangely, instead of mauling and eating her, the creature actually does stop. It bares its fangs menacingly, however. Carol attempts to leave, but it pursues her. Waiting to strike.
"What are you?"
"I am you."
It can talk! But this is just its mimicry. It's a lure so that it can eat her. Still, this is the longest anyone has lasted against it without military grade weaponry.
"939-14. Still infantile."
"What?"
"You still infant. You look like me when grown up."
"Which one are you?"
"939-19."
"There's more than one of you?"
"Hunt in packs. Others being tortured, I escaped. I see buffet of flesh!"
"So, you are carnivores?"
"Eat meat. No digest, but it delicious. Vicious paradox. Flesh block airway. Need emesis get rid of blockage."
Carol gets a call from Lori.
"Did you make it home? Please tell me that thing didn't sense you! I would never be able to forgive myself if you get killed by that thing! I'm calling the cops and telling them to look for you and to escort you home! You may hate me for this, but it's better than you ending up in the vicious maws of that beast!"
Lori hangs up before Carol could even get a word in. Wow, it's nice that Lori cares that much for her, especially after their rivalries over the years. SCP-939-19-EN heard Lori's voice and changes it accordingly.
"Why am I so sleepy? Who are you? What am I?"
"Delirium chemical. Scientist call it AMN-C227. Hunting adaptation to disorient prey."
"Don't hurt…humans…don't hurt my friends."
"939? Friends with food? You funny, 14. When you mature. I take you on hunt. Both of us. I spare you, child of 939."
At this point, the cops as well as some of the Michigan military come in to terminate the deadly predator. Apparently, some people in Royal Woods have played Containment Breach and were able to convince the cops to bring in the big guns. They also told them about SCP-939-EN and its ability to produce AMN-C227, so they all had gas masks on.
"Grr. I'll kill anyone who dares to hurt my child!"
Yep. I think the AMN-C227 has gotten to Carol. She could have sworn that beast called her its child. Maybe whatever system that hasn't atrophied away completely was damaged with the amnestic and it somehow convinced itself that Carol was its offspring. Good news, it won't kill Carol. Bad news, it will kill everyone else.
"Target is extremely hostile! Fire at will! Rescuing the girl is our utmost priority!"
The military fires at 939-19. It lunges at the crowd and mauls the crap out of one of the soldiers, slashing his throat out in a dark shade of crimson. It then leaps and bites an officer's head with a sickening crunch! The other people can even see where it crushed the poor bastard's skull. By this point, the rescue team has gotten Carol away from the predator and 939-19 has taken about 1500 bullets to its body (got to love high powered burst rifles). Eventually, the military was able to terminate it, but it killed 7 people in the process!
Carol is back home. But now things have gotten even more dangerous. SCPs are starting to come out of the bursts, which can now be considered gateways to other dimensions. It's only a matter of time before a super dangerous entity that the world can't handle comes through. The Louds are going to need some more firepower to save their world. Let us hope that that help arrives soon.
