AN: Here's the next chapter, thank you all for your comments, it really helps knowing that there are people interested in my story and waiting to read more!
Enjoy :)
Sakura ignored the knock on her door in favor of taking another drag of the cigarette that now felt so familiar between her middle and forefinger. She knew she should probably answer the door instead of relishing in this brief respite this tiny object brought her, but she couldn't bring herself to care.
She took another drag of the cigarette, felt her chest rise as her lungs expanded, puffed out the smoke, and watched as the white tendrils slowly disappeared into nothingness. Her eyes drifted up towards the blue sky, which didn't show even a hint of white fluffy clouds.
Shikamaru wouldn't like that. After all, he loved watching the white clouds, would watch them all day long if he had the spare time to do so. And, surprisingly, she found it quite entertaining as well. Not that she would ever tell him that she loved looking at the white fluffiness as they changed into something different every time, their bodies in a continuous circle of fluidity. She would often try to guess the shapes they would change into, only to be surprised repeatedly by the sheer endless possibilities.
Sometimes she wished she could be those clouds. Afloat in the sky, always moving about. And-
Free
Free from obligations. Free from having to pretend that everything is fine. Free from thinking. Free from-
"Hey." Sakura looked up surprised to see Shikamaru perched on the railing of her balcony, an eyebrow raised curiously at her. And she supposed it would be curious, the way he found her lying on her balcony, smoking a cigarette whilst looking at the sky, something so unlike her, and so much like him.
Her eyes drifted away from his face, to take in his clothes, his usual Jounin getup of a green west over a black mesh shirt and black trousers. He looked totally relaxed even though his calves must be staining to maintain that sort of position. She looked back at the sky and took another drag before greeting him and tried as best as she could to ignore her treacherous heart beating wildly in her chest.
"Hey." He took that as an invitation to drop down and sit against the wall that led into her apartment, his legs bumping against her feet as he stretched them as well as he could in the cramped space her balcony provided. Then he lit his own cigarette.
"Didn't know you smoked." Her eyes returned to his face only to see him watching the sky. So she did too, although she suspected it took her way longer to tear her eyes away from his face than it did him. Luckily, he didn't see her struggle, too focused on the search for his favorite pastime. And she was actually glad he didn't pay too much attention to her. While curiosity killed the cat, it made Shikamaru into the most annoying and persistent person in the universe.
"Yeah well, bad habit I picked up along the way. Can't seem to stop." She supposed she could stop if she really wanted to, but she didn't quite want to, really, so what was the point of trying anyway.
She hoped he wouldn't ask why she started smoking, because she wasn't sure she would be able to hide the real reason from him. And it was the most pathetic reason too. People started smoking because they wanted to try it out (admittedly also stupid), to see what it was all about, or because they needed something to alleviate the stress with. Not because they missed the smell. Though technically she had never actually been close to it in the first place…
"Well, I'm the last person who is going to argue with you on that." He chuckled and she suppressed the shiver that threatened to run down her spine. She hated how she was still so attuned to the low timbre of his voice even now, but no matter how hard she tried to stop, her body reacted to him one way or another. She took another drag from her cigarette and then realized she had finished it, so she put it out in the ashtray she had placed next to her.
Shikamaru was still smoking absentmindedly, and so she folded her arms behind her head so she could make the whole experience of lying on the ground more bearable. She wished he would just get on with it. But Shikamaru wasn't someone who could be rushed and always did things in his own slow pace.
"Why are you here?" She yawned and then rubbed her eyes. She was still tired from the double shift that had ended last night, or more precisely, in the middle of the night.
"Ino thinks you're avoiding her, so she sent me to check in on you." She snorted at that. Ino wasn't right, but she wasn't wrong either. She had been avoiding someone, but it hadn't been her blonde friend. But avoiding her had been an inevitability, after all, avoiding Shikamaru meant avoiding his two best friends as well. And she found that it had given her a short reprieve of her machinations, and so it had definitely been a plus as well.
"You're still playing Ino's lapdog?" From the corner of her eyes she could see him regarding her, and she just knew that he must be furrowing his brows at her right now at her crudeness. She had tried to revert back to her old cheery self after the war, but after the whole Lee debacle she had stopped. There was no need to pretend that she wasn't affected by the war. In a way, people looked at her now and saw someone marked by war, not Tsunade's protégé who was perfect in everything.
Now her friends had to get used to a coarser Sakura, a Sakura who valued privacy above all else. And most had accepted her this way, although Ino still struggled with this new version of her and kept goading her needlessly.
"Ouch, that's harsh, but I suppose you're not so far away from the truth. It's better than the alternative."
"The alternative being?"
"Having her on my case. And it also provided me with a way to escape Ino's controlling machinations." She made a face at that, and he chuckled. They both knew how tenacious and annoying their friend could be, so she couldn't really blame him.
"Are you and Temari having problems again?" Sakura tried not to feel hopeful. How awful was she that she was hoping her friends were still unhappy in their relationship? How awful of a person was she that she wanted them to break up? The worst kind of person. She shouldn't want other people to be unhappy.
Yet here she was wanting exactly that.
Her heart pounded in her chest when she heard him sigh tiredly. She regarded him then and watched as he rubbed his face with his hands. Now that she actually looked at him, she could see the dark rings under his eyes and the unnatural tenseness in his shoulders.
Sakura longed to hug him close to her, to run her fingers through his hair until they closed around the tie to loosen it. In her dream, after a long day at work, she would do exactly that, and then gently massage his scalp to relieve some of the pain the tight ponytail had caused him. And he would close his eyes and lean on her legs as she did so. It had felt so domestically serene, so simple yet…perfect.
But she didn't have the right to do that now. Didn't have the right to feel this overly affectionate concern for him. Instead she remained unmoving, even though she yearned to help him in some way.
"Honestly, I don't know anymore. We're fighting all the time, over nothing and everything, and I just- ". His voice broke and she could see how much the fighting hurt him, in the way his brows furrowed, and the corners of his mouth sunk. Sakura sat up and moved to sit next to him, even as she felt pins and needles pierce her heart at the realization that he felt such fierce love for someone else. Couldn't Temari see what an amazing thing she had? Couldn't she see how much he loved her?
Shikamaru was the most loyal person she knew. He was loyal to the village, loyal to his friends, and loyal to his heart. And his heart belonged to Temari, there was no arguing about it. So why were they at odds with each other more often than not?
She sat up and leaned on the door that led inside her apartment, and took his hand into hers and squeezed, because that was what you did when the man you had a crush on was in pain. You did everything you could to make him feel better.
"Did she throw you out again? It will sort itself out. You'll see.", she said cheerfully, something she definitely didn't feel on the inside, but if she could help him with words, so be it. He squeezed her hand, and she tried not to think about the fact that they kept holding hands, even though the moment of proprietary friendship support had long since passed.
But she wasn't going to complain. Like a puppy starved for love, she relished in the warmth of his hand holding hers. She was such a fool sometimes.
"I'm not…completely sure it will this time." She looked at their hands, unable to respond to that. She didn't quite know what he meant. Did he mean that he didn't love her anymore? Or that she didn't love him anymore? Did they break up? No matter what, she didn't know if she was ready for the answer, so she opted to change the topic instead.
She let go of his hand to stand up and opened the door to her apartment.
"I'm going to make some lunch, do you want some as well?", she said while hoping that it would stop this relationship therapy she wanted to avoid at all cost. She was also very sure that she was the wrong person for this, being biased and all, and having almost no relationship experience at all.
"Depends, what are you making?" She raised an eyebrow at that.
"Oh, I didn't know you were such a picky eater.", she said teasingly, as he followed her inside into the small kitchen of her tiny one-bedroom apartment. It was sparsely furnished, with only the essentials, but it was all she needed. She had moved out from her parents' after the war, into one of the newer built Jounin complexes that were located much closer to the hospital. Here, she had the privacy she required as an adult.
"I'm not, I eat pretty much everything, doesn't mean that I enjoy eating salads and all that stuff." She turned around and regarded him. If he had enough of salads it could mean only one thing. Temari must have thrown him out of their apartment once again after their argument. So, things had been a lot worse than she had thought.
He must have been staying at Ino and Chouji's apartment for the last few days at least. Because Ino had insisted on getting Chouji on a healthy diet for the last few months, they had mostly changed their diet completely with only a few days in a week with a meat option. Chouji wasn't a fan, but even Sakura had to admit that the diet did wonders for Chouji, by the way he had lost so many pounds just the last few months.
"'Salads and stuff' huh? So, you decided you had enough of the healthy life and came to me? The medic?" She had to hold back the laughter.
"You're a good cook." He grumbled while scratching the back of his head.
"Wow, that's all I am to you, isn't it? A person who prepares delicious goodies. Oh kami, what have I done wrong in my past life to deserve being so utterly exploited in such a way? By a friend no less." She pressed a hand to her chest dramatically, and she could see that she had achieved bringing a smile to his face. She liked the carefree Shikamaru the most.
"You've seen through my ploy, what am I to do now?" he said with a tone filled with sarcasm, playing his part, and she giggled in response, then continued on her way to her kitchen to peek into her fridge. She had some leftover rice from yesterday's dinner, some broccoli, carrots, peas and eggs in her fridge.
"How about some fried rice?"
"Sounds good. You need any help?" She handed him the vegetables and the rice so he could put them on the counter and then took out the cutting boards and two knifes.
"You can cut the carrots while I prepare the broccoli." Side by side, they started to cut the vegetables in companionable silence. This moment had something almost domestic about it, and Sakura remembered a moment from the dreamworld. It was very similar to this. The difference, however, was the man beside her, who had been her husband in the dream, and a friend in a relationship in the here and now. For a moment, the two moments overlapped, and it was hard for her to distinguish between them. Another version of Shikamaru turned to her and threw some ingredients at her, a playful expression on his face.
"Any news from Sasuke?" she blinked twice, and the surreal moment was gone. What was left was a deep ache in her chest that spoke of longing and loss.
"Sasuke? Don't really know, you'd have to ask Naruto." She said dismissively and maybe a little bit apprehensively. She had finished cutting the broccoli and heated the pan. He didn't continue the line of questioning, and she was glad for it. She felt uncomfortable talking about Sasuke. That hadn't been a thing for a few years now. She didn't know why everyone thought they would become a thing, even though it had been obvious from the start that Sasuke had had no interest in her.
That had become apparent when he left the village, in search of answers and redemption. And by the fact that he only sporadically returned. No, that chapter of her life had been closed very insistently by both of them. And how well she had moved on. From one unattainable man to the other. Well done Sakura.
Well. Done.
Sakura heated up the frying pan and then started frying the vegetables. Shikamaru silently did the washing. The companionable silence from before seemed to have disappeared in a puff, and she thought it felt more like an awkward silence than anything else. But she couldn't say if it was because of her dismissal of Sasuke in her response or something else.
She could feel his eyes on her though, and that made her feel uneasy, to say the least. So, she told him to go relax in the living room until she finished with the meal, which he complied with easily enough. Shikamaru would never change in that regard, and always prefer relaxation over actual work.
"Lunch is served." Shikamaru, who until then had been sitting on her couch with a spaced-out expression on his face, probably thinking hard about how he was going to win back Temari without too much trouble, blinked and then sat down at the table.
"Thanks for the meal." They both automatically said before they started to eat.
"So, what's up with you? Why have you been avoiding Ino?"
"What do you mean? I haven't been avoiding Ino, I've just been busy the last few weeks."
"Come on Sakura, you barely show your face at our gatherings like you used to, and you're not dating anyone to my knowledge. And you're smoking, something you've berating me for since-" he pointed his fork at her, which she found a tad rude, "-I started smoking before the war almost three years ago. You've been…different lately, and I-, we are worried." He finished his little speech, pointedly looking at her with a raised eyebrow.
"What a nice little speech you gave there. Now only if you were a certain busty blonde friend of ours, I might feel compelled to spill all my beans. But, alas, your lack of boobs makes your endeavor, shall I say, impossible." She smirked at his offended frown.
"I can be intimidating if I want to."
"Like a disgruntled cat that was woken up against its will from a two-hour long nap maybe.", she retorted back, and he grumbled and shoved a fork full of fried rice into his mouth. He sighed but seemed to understand that she wouldn't budge on this topic.
"So how long have you been smoking?" She furrowed her brows thinking about the answer.
"Uhh, I don't know, it's really been an on and off thing since the war, I guess." He raised his eyebrows but kept eating the rice. She was glad he didn't ask why she was smoking the same brand as him.
"And? Have you thought of a way to win her back yet?" Temari's and Shikamaru relationship followed a certain pattern. They were happily living together, being all happily domestic, until Temari was annoyed about something with Shikamaru and threw him out to stew over the matter until he managed to wrangle up an apology, after which she would take him back and they would continue the circle from the beginning. On and on it went, although lately there had been a lot of throwing out. Honestly, Sakura thought that it was exhausting, but she suspected that this was a way for them to keep the relationship exciting.
She could see how the topic depressed him by the lack of his usual mirth in his eyes, the furrowing of his brows and the slumping of his shoulders. She apologized on the inside to him, but she couldn't have him too interested in her. "Not sure I'm going to. It's too troublesome." Her traitorous heart skipped a beat. She hated how she became so hopeful, but she tried to shove it deep down. This wasn't the first time he said that, only to make up with Temari a few days later, so she didn't quite buy it this time either.
"Hmmm…", she replied, her disbelief about that quite potent in what didn't even constitute as a word. But she knew that, in the end, he would choose Temari, because it was obvious how much in love he was. He looked crushed just talking about it, so she was sure he would return to her in time.
"Ino told me it's normal for a couple to fight occasionally.", he started saying cautiously.
"Ino an Chouji fight plenty themselves, so I guess she's right?"
"But Temari and I- ", he took a deep breath as if it hurt for him to admit what he was going to say,"-we don't only fight occasionally. We fight all the time. Every day. And it's just…I don't want to do that anymore."
"I didn't know it was that bad. What did Ino have to say about that?" Ino, who often picked the brain of the weirdest and worst of Shinobi was somewhat considered to be a relationship guru.
"She said that relationships need work, and that I should keep trying."
"So, instead of taking her advice to heart, you came here seeking advice from the one person in our friend group who hasn't been in a long-term relationship…ever?" He looked like he was thinking hard about his next words.
"No, I-", he took a deep breath, "-I wanted to ask you if you would let me stay here for a few days until I've figured things out." She didn't like where this was going. At all. The point of avoiding her friends was avoiding him, and if he was staying here, she wouldn't be able to avoid him any longer.
"Wait, aren't you staying with Ino and Chouji? Why can't you just stay there?" Please just stay there.
"Ino has proven to be quite…persistent-", she raised her brows at the vast understatement, which he pointedly ignored, "-in her opinion that I should get back together with Temari, to a point where I feel like I can't think at all anymore. I want to really think about…if this relationship is salvageable. Kiba and Shino are gone on a mission, and Naruto and Hinata…well." He didn't have to say anything more. Naruto and Hinata had just gotten married and were still in a sickly-sweet honeymoon-phase that made everyone gush and Sakura puke a little bit on the inside. She could see why he wouldn't want to stay with them.
"If it's too much trouble I can try and…hold it out with Ino and Chouji, but…" It would make thinking about his situation from a rational perspective rather hard. He sighed tiredly, as if he carried the weight of the world on his shoulder. Yes, she understood. Even if he hadn't made his case in this way, she doubted she would have refused him. She was a sucker for him.
"It's not too much trouble. There's not much space, so you'll have to sleep on the couch, but…you can stay as long as you like." But not too long or I will get even more hopeful about this whole situation than I already am, and we don't want that. His shoulders relaxed and he sighed in relief.
"Thanks Sakura."
"What are friends for?" She smiled at him, but then avoided his eyes. She had to be extra careful the next few days. Shikamaru was able to notice the little things about people with little effort on his part. And the last thing she wanted him to know was that she had feelings for him.
Things were about to become complicated.
