Even with the looming threat of the anomalous taking over and/or destroying their dimension, people still have to attend school. What's the point of even going to school if Occasional Cortex said the world was going to end in four years due to "climate change"? Still, Lincoln and his gang talk about the goings on in the world.
"So, I'm sure we all heard President Trump's broadcast about the 106-EN incident in France."
"Yeah, we heard."
"I was wondering what anomalies you got, if any?"
"Well, Linc. I already told the gang about our encounters on the farm."
"Oh yeah. So, did anyone touch the horsey?"
"No, it's been in a stable since we encountered it. It doesn't even need to eat or sleep!"
"Why did that just sound so wrong?" Rusty comments
"SCP-805-EN broke through an Anomalous Burst. Its anomaly turns you into an immotile tree statue if it touches you or you touch it. It just wants head pats."
"I think that all horses deserve head pats. Yes, even if it will kill you. SAD! #JusticeFor805"
"Wow, nice Trump impression, Zach. You might be hired as a Serpent's Hand member with that attitude."
"What's a Serpent's Hand? It sounds pretty cool!"
"They are a group of anomalous rights activists based in a place known as the Wanderer's Library. TL; DR, they are basically PETA but even better since they don't kill and/or destroy the anomalies they liberate."
"Oh, so I'm not getting a serpent hand? Lame."
"Yeah, so did any of you get anomalous powers, or was it just Liam?"
"Well, my brother stepped on a Lego. It hurt, but when I touched his foot to see if the Lego broke his skin, he said his foot hurt more than stepping on 1000 Legos at once."
"Ouch! Stepping on a Lego is the most painful thing imaginable…except maybe getting Trigeminal Neuralgia."
"What's that?"
"Lisa said it's a chronic pain disorder that makes the trigeminal nerves in your face fire off constantly. It's basically suffering never ending agony for the rest of your life, since there is no cure. It is pretty rare, though."
"What about you Clyde? Did you get anything?"
"No, my dads have pretty much prevented me from leaving the house once news of the anomalous broke out."
"Understandable. I didn't get any powers when exposed to an Anomalous Burst, so it doesn't give everyone anomalous powers…"
"Well, I didn't get any powers."
Stella and Girl Jordan approach the five-boy band.
"Hey guys, what are you talking about?"
"Oh, hey Stella and Girl Jordan, we're talking about the anomalous. Didn't you hear about the incident in France?"
"Oh yeah! President Macron gave the most pathetic speech, thinking it would be the end of days for both France and the entire world. To be fair, it would have been had that corrosive entity not been crystalized."
"The only problem is that the statue is too big to fit in an Anomalous Burst and because of its natural corrosion anomaly, he could break out. He's got to break though 40 layers of crystal and a layer of granite. We aren't sure if SCP-106-EN can use corrosion if he's immobilized."
"What about you ladies? Did you get any anomalous powers?"
"No, we didn't."
"It's probably better that you didn't. Lola got powers similar to SCP-106-EN, but with an added bio-shield that kills anything living within 25 feet of her. She's actually gotten super depressed about it."
"Sorry to hear that, Lincoln. If you need anything, I can help you out."
"Girl Jordan, SCPs are breaching into our dimension. No one can help us out with something of this magnitude. It's why Trump and leaders of 39 other countries signed the Paris Accords conscripting people with anomalous powers, because they don't have any cool weapons effective against them!"
"I know. I just want to help you guys out."
"Well, I guess you can visit. Just stay away from Lola. She always wears a hazmat suit because of her anomaly, but Lisa said she can produce an anomalous acid similar to perchloric acid (voluntarily) and phosgene (involuntarily), so she's highly dangerous."
"Sounds like something you haven't already dealt with before, hasn't Lola always been acidic?"
"Yeah, but never like this."
"Well this was a nice way to catch up."
The group disbands. Just as Lincoln is about to leave, Girl Jordan stops him.
"Hey, Linc. You got a second?"
"Sure, what's up, Girl Jordan?
"I think Mollie has fallen in with a bad crowd. She's been talking about some weird things ever since the anomalous stuff has been happening."
"You still have that video, huh? Well, hold that until you can find a reason to blackmail someone related to her, Psilocybin."
"Yeah. Did you see that insane party, Molly?"
"It was insane! My friends saw it all go down online. I can't believe Frankie Grande gave those Louds a private party with around 5000 attendees, 7 celebrities and an octet of songs!"
"That wasn't Frankie Grande, dudette."
"Could have fooled me, he did say he was the gayest man alive. And did you see the pompousness and grandiosity of his performance in Henry Danger: The Musical? He is the gayest man alive in both the happy way and in the homosexual way."
"The opioid group is trying to synthesize their own version of compound [EXPUNGED]."
"Why?"
"Because, Molly. Cannabis, AKA Papa Smoke, AKA number 99, wants to see the Louds act like complete degenerates for our amusement. We've seen all their hijinks on Fanfiction dot net, DeviantArt, the boorus like our based hacker 4chan. You get the point. With a synthesized version of compound [EXPUNGED] we will see just how crazy these Louds can be."
"We're still going to see the Area 51 Massacre on September 20, right?"
"Of course, we won't miss the sheer meme potential of idiots trying to raid a military base Naruto running while being shot with 3000 rounds per minute assault rifles. It's going to be hilarious!"
"Operation Westermarck will take place afterwards."
The call ends.
"I see what you mean. We'll keep an eye on her and this Papa Smoke character."
"Be safe, Lincoln."
"You too, Girl Jordan."
The school day progresses as normal. Nothing of interesting happened at school, despite constant paranoia of an XK class end of the world scenario happening at any moment. Lincoln begins to head back home when he sees a strange person accosting Dana.
"Come on cutie, don't even try to resist."
"Drop dead."
"Don't be like that."
The man pauses for a second.
"Alright, good cop is over."
He pulls out a .44 magnum.
"Obey me or die!"
He notices Lincoln just staring at the situation. He aims the magnum at him.
"Kid, you died from fibromatosis before. Now feel the pain of your entire brain experiencing a hemorrhage! Sorry, but you've seen too much!"
Dana knees the attacker in the balls, causing him to double over in pain. He drops the magnum. She kicks it away from him and near the feet of…
Mariska Hargitay?!
Oh great! The Anomalous Bursts are bringing in live action characters now? But wait, wouldn't that mean there are two Mariska's now? The real life one and the one that plays Olivia Benson on Law and Order: SVU? If the two Mariska's meet, wouldn't that cause an XK class end of the world scenario since Mariska can't be in two places at once and the two instances of Mariska should never meet because it would destroy reality?
There's only one way to tell which Mariska this is.
"Mariska!"
She responds to Lincoln calling her name. I guess that means this is the real Mariska. But now the bigger question is, what is she doing in Michigan?
Suddenly, a swarm of police arrest the attacker, who's still holding his balls in pain.
"Fuck! I think you're going to need to cut it off!"
"Sure, phantom limb pain is a thing. Just as soon as we arrest you for aggravated assault, attempted murder and attempted rape."
The cops take him away, leaving both Dana and Lincoln confused on what just happened.
"I was visiting the area when I saw you get attacked. I called the cops immediately."
"Wait, aren't you a police sergeant?"
"No, but I play one on TV."
And just as mysteriously as she appeared, Mariska disappears down a street corner.
"That was weird."
"Lincoln, that lunatic said he was part of something called a Group of Interest. He said he was Fentanyl of "the Fanbase". He never said what they do, but I think these guys might be dangerous!"
"It sure was lucky Mariska was here."
"Yeah. I think my anomaly is to cause pain that lasts forever."
"Did you walk under one of those Anomalous Bursts?"
"Yes, but I didn't think I would get a power."
"Well, I should probably get home."
Lincoln makes it back home. But there's another Anomalous Burst. This one over the skies of the Chappaqua Woods in New York. It drops a pale figure, emaciated and 8 feet tall, its hands coated in blood with freakishly long arms, it hides in the depths of the woods until some idiot stumbled upon it. The burst seals up behind it.
"Hey guys, we are here in the Chappaqua Woods looking for Hillary Rodham Clinton. She was spotted in this area after losing the 2016 election to Trump and a bunch of white people on Facebook have found her. Let's see if we can get that lucky."
The person enters the depths of the woods and sees a pale figure pacing back and forth.
"Hillary, is that you? I want to know your opinion on losing to Donald Trump."
The idiot looks at its face, it begins autistically screaming.
"That devastating, huh. Well, I'm sorry to hear that. On the plus side, you're looking way better than you did in 2016!"
I mean, he's not wrong. This emaciated gangly creature is still better looking than Hillary Clinton.
The creature begins running toward the idiot, who should have won a Darwin Award a long time ago, at a relativistic speed. It only had to take one step before…
[DATA EXPUNGED]
