Track Featured: Lost in IKEA by Nicolas Carr and Steve Marston
Well the anomalies start coming and they don't stop coming and don't stop coming, you guessed it, it's Anomalous Burst time. This time, the burst appears to drop off a young girl. She appears to be around Lucy's age with blonde hair and celadon irises. This burst is notable in that it is only one of only two anomalies that spawned inside the Loud House. The crack in spacetime seals itself up, leaving this person as a stranger in a strange land. She enters the first room on the left and is immediately pulled into a strange mall like location.
"What is this place?"
The intercom harmfully chimes in.
"Welcome, shoppers to the 12 Oaks Mall in Nova, Michigan. To enhance your shopping experience, here's a catchy pop tune that we're sure you'll enjoy."
The song blares on over the intercom.
You got to believe
I'm lost in IKEA
You got to believe
Last till morning light
You got to believe
I'll die in IKEA
You got to believe
We'll survive the night
Surrounded by furniture
Manufactured by Swedes
Lost forever
And we'll never be freed
Been 30 months
Trapped in this place
Surviving on meatballs
The staff are crazed
You got to believe
I'm lost in IKEA
You got to believe
Last till morning light
You got to believe
I'll die in IKEA
You got to believe
We'll survive the night
You got to believe
I'm lost in IKEA
You got to believe
Last till morning light
You got to believe
I'll die in IKEA
You got to believe
We'll survive the night
Well, that's very reassuring. She's pretty sure people have actually died from getting lost in IKEA, but she wouldn't know anything about that, IKEA is in Sweden and she's Icelandic, and she's been in that science place since 2008, so she wouldn't even be able to see the different IKEA locations. She continues exploring this place. It might not be the Mall of America but 12 Oaks Mall is still a gargantuan place, it has between 180 to 200 different stores! There is a directory and she does look at it…
"Wow, this is completely worthless!"
The map shows the place has 2 floors, just like the original mall, but this is not the original 12 Oaks Mall. At least, even she knows that there's no way you can fit an entire mall, especially one as big as this, into a single bedroom!
She continues exploring the mall filled with these uncanny valley "customers", it's like the IKEA all over again! She walks up to a TEF (teen female) entity and tries to talk with "her"? She kind of looks like a vocaloid, which is strange.
"Hey, can you get me piece of candy? Any candy will do. If you do, I'll give you something in return."
Well, this has piqued the curiosity of this anomaly. She generates a candy for her. The entity promptly eats it.
"Wow, multidimensional flavor! Thanks! Here's your reward!"
The entity gifts the anomaly 10 Dodecaquercus dollars.
"Those are Dodecaquercus dollars. They are the main currency of this dimension. You can use it to buy stuff within this dimension. Since Dodecaquercus is hard to say and or remember, we just call them 12 Oak dollars. There is a currency converter in the middle of the dimension to convert it into real money, but the real-world currency changes every day. Her sister joked that if you got the Zimbabwean dollar, the currency would be so worthless that the Zimbabweans would use it for toilet paper."
Wait, they use toilet paper?
"Her sister?"
"The Director of Style. She manages this place, but few of us get the privilege to bask in her eminence. Her sister is kind of…abrasive but she does point out this place is easy to get lost in. She's gotten trapped in here before."
"Does this director know the way out?"
"Yes, but she's difficult to find. But if her sister gets trapped in here again, she has a direct link to her so she can collapse the dimension."
"Won't that kill us?"
"No. But it would force real people out of the dimension, along with any money they earn. Of course, DQD/TOD is worthless in the real world, just like Monopoly™ money."
"So, do you have a name?"
"We're supposed to be extra characters to make it look like the mall is full. We don't really have names, but my name is Saki, I guess."
"Sake, what a nice name. Is there anything else I should know about this place?"
"Make it to a hotel at night. It costs DQD/TOD to enter, but its dangerous at night. Not as dangerous as IKEA, but if you fall asleep on the floor, the cleanup crew might mistake you for trash and incinerate you in your sleep. You can also earn money by working a job at one of the approximately 200 stores."
"Hmm, ok thanks."
"No problem, just watch out for the IKEA transplants. Some of them work in the stores and they work just as the did there! You know which one they are since they'll try to kill you at night if they see you after hours."
Oh no, SCP-3008-2-ENs have invaded this dimension? Welp, anyone who's entered here is screwed.
"Don't worry, the police here will kill any 3008-2-ENs trying to kill you, and the cleanup crew considers them trash and will incinerate them. Believe it or not but the cleanup crew is about as strong as 3008-2-EN!"
The anomaly parts ways with the strange being, and after doing more favors for people and getting a part time job at the Taco Bell™, she has managed to get 700 DQD/TOD as night falls, indicated by a skylight in the center of the mall. She does what the entity suggested and checks into a hotel for the night. 1 day has officially passed within the mall, but who knows how long has passed outside this dimension? Luckily, jobs here are on one day contracts, so you can't get fired unless you really try!
She explores the mall once again, trying to find an exit or the director, but considering this is the US version of the IKEA, she's probably not getting out unless she gets really lucky. Something with this dimension must be interfering with her anomaly.
Going to the center of the mall, she converts some of it with the currency of the day, this time it is US dollars. She only got $1 dollar out of it, though. Dang inflation…
But wait, she sees a blonde teenager, and unlike the things that occupy this dimension, she looks like a real human being! She begins muttering something.
"Dang it, Leni! Why is it that every time I go into this room, this dimension of yours always gets in the way!"
The anomaly approaches her.
"Who are you talking about, miss?"
"The teen looks at the kid and sighs.
"Great, a kid managed to get lost in here. It's just like that time you got lost during summer break in an IKEA and almost died."
The teenager appears to have another vison.
This girl appears to be staring down a gangly creature who's face she can't see. Both of the entities appear to be in a forest clearing. She summons a weapon and begins slicing the creature apart atom by atom.
"I won't let you hurt anyone anymore."
The vision abruptly ends.
What was that? There's no time to think about it, though. Both of them are trapped in this dimension. With no time to lose, the girl calls someone.
"Hey, it's Lori. What do you mean "which Lori"? It's your sister! Listen, I've gotten trapped in here again. Can you disable the dimension so I can get my stuff? Hey, how dare you tell me I should learn to navigate better! Oh, by the way, you finally trapped someone in here. No, I mean someone who isn't me! Look, why do you even have this thing up in this first place? Isn't the Royal Woods mall good enough to satisfy your fashion curiosity? Just disable the field!"
She hangs up. Immediately, the dimension collapses and the room is back to its original form. Lori and Leni's bedroom has never looked better. Lori immediately grabs her cellphone from its charger.
"Ah, it's finished charging. Now I can begin my 24-hour conversation with Bobby! But first…
"Louds, intruder alert!"
Suddenly, all Loud siblings begin approaching the entity, except Leni. Leni just…stares at her, as if thinking about something.
"Alright, girlie. I'll give three seconds to tell us why we shouldn't terminate you." Lynn Jr threatens
Terminate…terminate…there was a file about terminating something similar to this anomaly. What was it?
"Oh, please. Acid washing would be a way better means of extracting information. Just like we do in Guantanamo." Lola suggests
"Uh, how do you know about that, Lola?"
"News documentary before all the news became fake. The bleeding-heart communists want to import the prisoners here so they can destroy America faster! Well, they are terrorists and we should execute them so they don't destroy anything else! I heard one of the 9/11 hijackers is there! We should send him to Jahannam where the piece of garbage belongs!"
Damn, that was scary and also questionably patriotic. It's nice to know that Lola appreciates what America used to be.
"Guys you're going about this all wrong, we should tie her up and use mental manipulation on her to get her spill her secrets." Lori points out
Well, I didn't think Lori was one of those girls. I feel extra terrible for Bobby then…
"If I may, this entity could theoretically be a reality warper. As such, I have taken the liberty of building this thing the Foundation uses to contain them. They are called Scranton reality anchors and they should stop anything it contains from affecting baseline reality."
The Foundation…termination…highly dangerous? Possible Keter class anomaly? Little girl? But wait, SRAs didn't exist in 2008, so could that actually work on her? If this is the entity Leni is thinking of…
"A Scranton reality anchor? Those things do more damage to reality than I could ever do!"
"I don't believe you."
"SCP-3241-EN."
Lisa looks it up.
"Shit, she's right. But I'm still going to use it since it only fails 50% of the time."
Lisa turns on the Scranton reality anchor.
"SCRANTON REALITY ANCHOR ONLINE: HUME LEVEL AT 1.0; REALITY CURRENTLY STABLE."
Lisa turns the device toward the anomaly.
"HUME LEVEL OF ANOMALY IS 30/500, WARNING, ENTITY IS CLASSIFIED AS A LEVEL 5 REALITY WARPER. ACTION AGAINST ENTITY HIGHLY DISCOURAGED!"
"Generate containment field."
"GENERATING CONTAINMENT FIELD…OPERATION FAILED. MALFUNCTION. CEASING OPERATION."
"Told you. Those things are notoriously unreliable."
Hume readings 30/500?! That clinches it. There is no more doubt. That has to be SCP-239-EN! Site-17 should be on lockdown, since she is a Keter class anomaly, borderline Apollyon class, if Doctor Clef is to be believed.
"I can't confirm this, but god has a 0/860 hume level on average."
"Oh, please. God doesn't exist." Lisa scoffs
"Sure, he does! SCP-343-EN is probably the closest thing to god there is, checkmate, atheist."
"Guys, stop. I know which anomaly this is."
"Oh, really? Which one is it?"
"239-EN."
"SCP-239-EN? Isn't that the one where [DATA EXPUNGED] happened?"
"Yes, but don't remind her of that. Her anomaly is that anything she can think of becomes true. Her mind makes it real, quite literally. So, we've got to be careful what we say to her."
"Well, we already failed that test. Saying we're going to kill her three different ways."
"Uh, maybe you should leave this anomaly to me."
"Welp, we're fucked. Might as well tell her to end reality right now." Lynn Jr mocks
"Lynn, language!"
Everyone else disperses as Leni takes the anomaly into Lori and her room.
"Sorry Leni, I don't feel comfortable with an Apollyon class entity in our room."
"What are you talking about? We live with Lola all the time, and she's Apollyon class even before she got her anomalous powers."
"At least Lola can control herself. As I-239-B-CK told us, she's unstable! She can't control her power! She can cause an XK class end of the world scenario without even meaning to!"
Lori sighs.
"Whatever, I'll wait for the day you two destroy this dimension."
She leaves.
"Don't worry, I'll train you!" Leni says chipperly
"Really? The last time someone said that, I was put in a coma for 11 years."
"Well, maybe they just didn't have the resources."
Leni, using her own reality warping anomaly, opens up a portal.
"After you."
She steps in the portal as Leni follows behind her. They are transported to a strange place.
"This is a pocket dimension that I made that has absolutely nothing in it. This is the perfect place for you to learn how to control your anomaly. As a fellow reality warper, I can stop anything that gets too dangerous. Let's start with something easy. Make me a sandwich, any sandwich will do, as long as its edible."
SCP-239-EN generates a sandwich. Leni takes a bite out of it.
"Gross! What was in that?!"
"Peanut butter and sauerkraut. Those are edible ingredients."
"Yeah, but not a great combination. For some reason, Linky loves these things and we still don't know why. Anyways, maybe I should have been more specific. Make me a ball."
She does so.
"Good. Maybe we need to increase the difficulty. Make me a video game character."
SCP-239-EN doesn't know what a video game character is, but she did see a cringy OC of something that looked like one.
She generates a white haired edgelord with an improbably long katana. Thankfully, it's just a model.
"Sephiroth from FFVII. Predictable, but it still counts. You pass this one. How about a character from an animated cartoon?"
Being in a coma for 11 years, she wasn't really exposed to this kind of stuff. But she did see some sponge creature on some drawings, so she decides to make that. She generates a little square dude.
"Ah, SpongeBob SquarePants, the emperor of Nickelodeon. A fine character. I think we're done for today. We'll continue training tomorrow, but don't forget to sleep. Maybe meditation would help control your powers?"
Leni despawns the creations that she made for the tests.
"I want to know more about you, what is your name?"
"Sigurrós Stefánsdóttir."
"Hmm, Lisa told me last names like that are from Nordic countries, are you?"
"Yes, I was from Iceland from what the scientists told me."
"Which city?"
"Kópavogur."
"Do you have any friends or hobbies?"
"No."
"Why are your eyes like that?"
"My eyes? They're green."
"Yes, but they look more grey than green."
"I guess. They shimmer when I make stuff."
"Can you die?"
"Do you want me to?"
"No, but the VEI article on you says you're invincible, so are you?"
"Invincible? I don't think I am. But I am stronger than a normal person. The only thing the article said that can hurt me is an alloy of some sort, made from platinum, iridium as well as trace and anomalous metals."
"Do you know of any other SCPs?"
"Sure, I know Iris and Double, since we were all contained in Site-17. I think I saw Cain once, too. I also know about 336-EN because she tried to kill Doctor Clef. He also wielded a red knife imbued with hatred, it causes fear in people. I think I heard the number 668 with it. That alloy, its number was 148. I am SCP-239-EN…apparently. Who knew the Foundation went international. I heard there are 12 different branches now!"
"How do you know about SCP-3241-EN?"
"Your dimension has Internet access. I just looked it up online."
"Ok. I think that is enough for today."
The two leave the dimension. Well, now that there are two reality warpers, how can reality survive? And more importantly, what are the Louds going to do about these Anomalous Bursts! They're still leaking characters from other dimensions! Who knows how long this dimension's hume levels will stay stable?
