Meredith stayed overnight in the hospital. Not that it was her choice. If it had been she would have been out of bed and back to work as soon as the drugs wore off. She desperately needed something to occupy her before Derek's hovering became too much.
"Are you ready to go home?" Derek asked her pushing a wheelchair into the room.
"Yeah, let's get out of here" she muttered. 2 days In the hospital was more than enough for her. The recovery process from the DC seemed to be harder for her this time around. It seemed as if her body was just over having them done and she couldn't blame it, she was mentally over it too.
Arriving home, Meredith was happy to be back in her own dwelling and the exhaustion of the last couple of days was catching up to her. Her body was screaming with soreness as she knew it would for a few days.
"I think I'm going to go lay down," she whispered turning around to look at Derek.
"Ok, do you want any of your pain medicine?" He asked.
"Uh, no I'm gonna try without them" she replied heading towards the stairs.
"You know you don't always have to be superwoman" Derek smirked. She smiled back before heading up to their room. She sat on the bed, the tears of exhaustion and grief slowly trickling down her cheeks. This was the first time she would have gotten to grieve on her own, first time being alone since it happened.
Slowly she reached over opening the drawer in her nightstand. She reached in, taking a photo out of her last ultrasound. She may have been trying to act like she was fine, that this wasn't bothering her. But the truth was, it was killing her.
She clutched the photo in her hand, watching as her tears dripped down onto the grainy black and white photo. This is all she would ever have of her child. The child she so desperately wanted.
Before Derek, she never saw herself as a mother. She never thought she could raise a child that didn't end up resenting her like she resented her mother. Plain and simple she didn't think she was mother material. But something had changed in her after meeting Derek. He gave her the confidence she needed and she thought maybe she could do this but her body was proving otherwise, that motherhood just wasn't in the cards for her.
Derek came upstairs to check on Meredith. He was worried about her. He knew how she was after she lost each of their children. He could hear her light sobbing from outside the door but what ultimately broke him was what he heard next.
"I'm sorry... I couldn't protect you" he heard her. He sighed, knowing this was going to eventually happen. One way or another she was going to break and it wasn't a huge surprise to him that she was blaming herself, she always did. Slowly he opened the bedroom door, taking in her from crying into her hands on the bed. Her one hand still clutching the photo he didn't know she had.
"Mer.." he whispered walking over to sit on the bed next to her. Gently he took her into his arms. he understood why this was hurt her the most, it was the farthest they had gotten with any pregnancy.
"Lets lay down" he whispered. Gently he pried the photo from her hand placing it back into the drawer before helping her lay down. He rearranged her so her head was laying on his chest as he gently stroked her hair, placing light kisses on her temple.
"It will be alright Mer, I promise you" he whispered feeling her tears soak his shirt as he held her close.
It seemed like forever before her tears subsided and she had finally cried herself to sleep. Derek laid there, daring to not move an inch. He wanted her to sleep, she needed it. She was so exhausted and he could see it.
It was hours later when she awoke, sitting up in their bed. Her hair was a sticky mess all over her forehead, her eyes bloodshot as tear stains trailed her face. She was a mess.
"Hey, how are you feeling babe?" Derek quietly asked her.
"Did you lay there all this time?"
"Yeah, you needed to sleep." He whispered rubbing his hand gently up and down her arm.
"I need our baby back" Derek she whispered a new set of tears glistening in her eyes. He sighed.
"I know, I wish I could bring him or her back.Someday this will work. In the future when we are both ready."
She sighed, not sure what to say. She just wanted this nightmare over with.
