Her heart lept into her throat as she vomited into the toilet for what felt like the hundredth time this week. She recognized what she was feeling but she didn't even want to entertain the possibility.

"I'm not pregnant" she repeated over and over again like a broken record. She was on the pill and they used condoms but apparently, God had a funny sense of humor.

She leaned back away from the toilet, using the sleeve of her nightgown to wipe the sweat that was beating off her forehead.

"Babe are you alright?" She heard from just outside the bathroom door. She mentally cursed realizing she had woken Derek up unintentionally.

"Yeah, I'm just sick" she answered trying to convince herself. But Derek knew better, she wasn't just sick. He sighed.

"Mer, you know that's not true." He whispered. "You know what's really going on."

"Derek don't! Just don't" she snapped right before tears sprung to her eyes. "I cant Derek, I can't do this again!'

Getting down onto the floor beside her, Derek wrapped his arm around her shaking form pressing a light kiss to her temple.

"It will be alright" he whispered.

"No, no it won't" she breathed. "I've lost 5 of our kids, 5 Derek. You cannot sit there and tell me all of a sudden this one is going to stick." She was right, he knew that.

"Guess we brought something home from the gala huh?" He smirked trying to lighten the mood.

"We don't know for sure, but if I had to guess. Yeah, we did."

He rubbed her back gently as her head rested on his shoulder. "We will get you in with Arizona and go from there alright? Have you taken a test?"

"No," she whispered, "not yet." Slowly she got up off the floor grabbing a package of two out of the medicine cabinet. She let Derek stay in the bathroom as she peed on the sticks, feeling like all she did was pee on sticks. She placed them onto the counter and slid down the wall next to where Derek still sat. She couldn't help but grasp his hand tightly in hers.

"Now we wait" she breathed even though deep down she knew the answer, she knew her body.

"It will be alright" Derek quietly whispered. "We will get through this Mer."

"Derek, I swear to god if this ends badly, I'm getting my tubes tied."

They both waited anxiously for the timer to go off and when it did she still sat frozen to the floor. Derek noticed that she wasn't going to be moving and got up off the floor taking a peek at the tests. One look from him was all she needed. Meredith Grey was pregnant...again.

It was both their day off but still, they found themselves walking through the door of Grey-Sloan memorial heading up to the ob-gyn floor.

"She's not here" Meredith sighed as they both looked for Arizona. "Let's go check pediatrics and then the NICU" she suggested. They found Arizona, walking around checking on patients in pediatrics.

"Arizona" Meredith called out.

"Hey, how are you two doing? day off?" Arizona asked.

"Yeah, someday off" Meredith laughed. "We need a favor."

"Let me guess, you're pregnant again?" Arizona asked.

Meredith slowly nodded her head, unable to speak, this was becoming unimaginably real for her. "The gala" she whispered

"Oh, I've heard a few of our ladies took home a surprise with them that night." Arizona smiled. "Ok, I have some free time right now. You know the drill" she said as she motioned for Meredith to walk ahead.

Meredith was nervous, climbing onto the table as the paper crinkled under her. She squeezed Derek's hand focusing on a spot on the ceiling that suddenly became fascinating to her

A few minutes later Arizona spoke again. "Alright, Meredith, you look to be about 7 weeks so I would say definitely from the gala" she smirked. "Do you want to hear the heartbeat?"

Meredith's mind panicked, "uh no thank you. Maybe next time" she muttered pulling her shirt down. She couldn't bear to hear it, not now at least. Derek didn't fail to notice that Meredith never even looked at the screen and he knew he was in for a hard time with her.

They arrived home after their appointment and Derek noticed that Meredith was unusually quiet. She walked in, taking a seat on the couch as she placed her head into her hands.

"Are you ok?" Derek asked her. She looked up, tears streaming down her cheeks as she sighed.

"Yeah, I guess. We should prepare ourselves, Derek," she whispered.

"Mer" Derek whispered.

"I don't want to get attached, I can't get attached, Derek. I just can't" she sighed.