She had been in this hospital for a week and if Meredith was being honest with herself, she was ready to rip her hair out. She was tired of being poked and prodded all hours of the night, feeling like a pin cushion for everyone around here. Today, she would finally be going home but unfortunately, Derek wouldn't be joining her.
Derek had taken a turn for the worse, developing an infection that sent his entire system into shock. He was currently in a coma and all she could do was pray he would come out of it.
"Are you ready to go home? I know mommy is." She smiled down at the baby that was currently sound asleep in her arms. Meredith was just thankful that her son was healthy, he was keeping her sane throughout all of this madness.
Because Derek couldn't afford to get any more infections, they weren't allowing thier son back to see his father which also meant that Meredith couldn't see him even though she had plenty of offers for babysitters. She just couldn't imagine being away from their son even for a few minutes.
She was thankful they had come up with a name before everything happened.
Brady, Brady Derek Shepherd was his name. Much to Derek's dismay, Meredith had insisted the baby have his name as his middle name.
"Okay, here are the discharge papers for you and your little man, now please take it easy." Bailey chided.
Meredith smiled, rocking Brady in her arms. "I will, don't worry about me."
"Yeah, well, I would rather not see you back as a patient, Grey." Miranda looked Meredith up and down, noticing the fear and anxiety written all over her face. "Are you alright?"
"I'm just...nervous," Meredith confessed. "Inever imagined I would be doing this alone. What if I mess him up?"
Miranda smiled. "You will be fine, you have been doing amazing and Derek will be home before you know it." Miranda reassured her.
"What if..." Meredith swallowed hard. "What if he's not?"
"He will, he loves you and that baby too much. He will pull through this." She sighed. "Why dont you go and see him?"
"I can't..." She choked out. "I can't leave him."
"You can, just a few minutes. I'll watch him."
Meredith contemplated but didn't have a chance to respond before Miranda was taking the baby out of her arms. "Go," Bailey ordered. Meredith sighed but leaned down, placing a gentle kiss on Brady's forehead before leaving the room. Her whole body screamed with anxiety and she wanted to turn around and go back to her son but pushed herself to keep going.
She walked into Derek's room, seeing him hooked up to a ventilator made her weak. The reality was hitting her. She took a seat in the chair, hesitantly reaching over for his hand.
"Derek," she whispered. "Please don't do this, I need you. I'm scared to do this on my own." She sighed. "I'm sorry I haven't been here, they won't let Brady back to see you and I hate being away from him. I feel like if I leave him something will happen but Miranda pushed me to come down..." she rambled. She drew in a breath and continued. "He's getting so big. Just over the past week and you need to be here to see it. He loves you and I love you."
She glanced up at the monitors watching his heart beating, trying to focus on the fact that he still had a heart beat.
"Okay, I gotta go," she whispered. "I need to get back to our son. Hang in there, okay? I'll be back, I promise." She got up and walked out. Stopping to take one more glance back at Derek before heading down the hallway.
A smile graced her face when she saw her son, curled up asleep in Miranda's arms.
"Hey there," she whispered reaching out for her son.
"Feel better?" Miranda asked.
Meredith hummed in response, giving Miranda a small smile before snuggling Brady to her chest. "We better be going, thanks again, Miranda."
Arriving home, she placed the carseat on the couch, her body screaming in pain. She had a weight restriction and shouldn't have been lifting the carseat but she didn't care.
She gently got Brady out, resting him against her shoulder as he started to fuss.
"You're okay Brady, mommy's here," she whispered as she took a seat on the couch. She leaned back placing him on her chest as she cradled him softly.
This was it, she was alone with this fragile little life that she and Derek had created and that scared her. He seemed so fragile and delicate.
"I love you so much," she whispered against his hair. "Thank you for being mommy's rock this past week."
She closed her eyes, taking a moment to soak everything in. Everything had been fast paced and for the first time she was able to just take everything in. But she still wished Derek was with her.
She sat there until she heard a knock at the door. Brady started fussing as Meredith stood up, she ran her hand up and down his back, quietly talking to him as she went to answer the door.
"Cristina!" Meredith exclaimed, surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"I'm on lunch, figured you could use some company," Cristina shrugged. "And I brought food!"
"Thanks, I'm starving." She turned around and headed over to the bassinet that was right next to the couch, carefully laying Brady down. They both dug into their food.
"I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that you're finally a mom," Cristina laughed.
"You're still coming to terms?" Meredith asked incredulously. "I'm still coming to terms." She paused for a moment before sighing. "I never thought I would actually be a mom, I thought this pregnancy was going to end up like my others. Thank God it didn't though, he's definitely gotten me through this past week."
"Hey, you know Derek will be fine. He's McDreamy after all. Him and his gorgeous hair will be back with you before you know it." Cristina said with a smile.
Meredith smiled. "I know, it's just...what if he's not? What if I end up raising Brady on my own?"
"You won't, stop thinking that." Cristina said softly.
Meredith sighed, looking over at Brady. How could she not?
Two in the morning, the loud ringing of her cell phone jolted her awake. Frantically sitting up, she grabbed it off of the nightstand before it had a chance to wake Brady. Who was calling her at this ungodly hour?
"Meredith Grey," she answered.
"Meredith, it's Miranda." Ice flowed through her veins at the sadness in Miranda's voice. "You need to get to the hospital."
"Why? What's going on?" Meredith asked, trying to stay as calm as she could.
"I'm so sorry, Meredith." The next words made it hard for her breathe. "Derek's dead"
