Author's note: Just a heads up that this chapter contains sensitive topics, namely in non-graphic, averted suicide. I don't like to spoil things, but I know it is best to warn, just in case it triggers anyone. I hope to have portrayed this chapter reasonably. There is also minor reference to it in the next chapter too. But there is more humour in the next chapter, so never fear, it's not all angst.
Chapter 9
It's not always easy
No matter what he did, Loki couldn't get that Seven Pounds film out of his mind; it was so horrific and yet, it had struck a chord within him. Loki had tried to ignore it, but he couldn't. It was what had spurned him on to helping out with the rebuild; he had imagined Thor dragging him out there against his will before that. Loki had found various films to watch or books to read, ones with similar themes that only got him thinking even more. Why was it? Guilt? Loki couldn't really discern any of his emotions bar that of pain and anger, emotions he kept hold of. Ones he couldn't seem to get rid of. Instead, he decided to take a trip outside of the tower. Something he'd not done save for the time he fell off the tower with Darcy.
Loki dressed in a Midgardian pair of black trousers and a light blue shirt. He thought it would maybe take away from the fact that he was well-known on Midgard and much hated. For good reasons. Rumours had already flown around about his presence in New York, something that S.H.I.E.L.D. weren't able to quite stifle. Really, how they expected to keep it quiet forever was beyond him; it would be quite like Thor attempting to sneak into a room without a sound. It was rarely done (or perhaps that was his own little mean jibe). It was about a week since he joined Darcy and her avenging friends for pizza. He had declined last night's invitation and hadn't changed his mind afterwards either, but he and Darcy still watched films together. Apparently the next genre they would be showing was horror, and Darcy wanted to boycott those, but Loki had issued her a challenge (something along the lines of calling her a 'chicken', as the mortals would put it). Needless to say that got her riled up and ready to watch them with him.
He had the distinct feeling that she was regretting that decision, or would regret it.
It amused him greatly.
Loki exited his room and shut the door quietly, turning towards the entrance to the corridor before hearing a voice as Darcy came out of Jane's apartment.
"Hey, whoa, where are you off to?" Darcy asked, taking in his attire. Loki put his finger to his lips.
"I am leaving the tower for some part of the day; I do not wish for Thor to hear and make a racket," Loki said. Darcy's eyebrows raised and then she nodded, a look of understanding replacing her confusion.
"Yeah, he makes a big deal about everything. I hear you. Go, go! Run free, little bobcat," Darcy said. Loki cocked his head at her with a raised brow. "I'd offer you my company but, ah, well…"
"Our rendezvous' should remain silent; we would not want you to be accused of sympathising with the enemy and I of having a heart," Loki said, winking at her.
"H-hey, no, that's…I mean, we're not friends, but…" Darcy spluttered. Loki put his finger to his lips again.
"We are just two people watching films together. No attachments," Loki said. "I wish to be alone on my venture. Have a pleasant day."
"Alriiighty," Darcy said cheerfully before she returned to her room. Loki carried on down the corridor and made his way out of the tower. Now, he could have easily exited in a quicker manner of simply transporting himself instantly outside, but he did not wish to startle any potential onlookers; especially since he wanted to be discreet and he did not wish to alarm the tower's occupants either. No, he didn't need dragging back to the tower. Loki managed to leave the tower without any fuss; one or two suspicious looks, but at worst he would just have a few people following him supposedly inconspicuously. He hadn't seen the Black Widow or the Hawk since his return to Midgard. No doubt the Director needed to keep the latter away lest there be an unnecessary incident.
It had been nearly two months since he became an occupant of the tower and he had healed fairly well from his injuries. He still had dark circles under his eyes, but they weren't quite as bad as before. Loki didn't particularly care much for his appearance these days. As he walked through the streets, he took in the countenances of the mortals milling through the streets. Some walked by as if he didn't exist, some stared (not many men had long hair around here, it seemed) and some people looked at him as if they either horribly suspected he was the one who invaded them orknew he had. The latter quickly rushed past, not caring whether they were paranoid or not. Loki walked on as if these reactions hadn't occurred; he didn't care for others' opinions of him as long as he wasn't shipped back to the tower.
Loki wasn't really sure where he was going, but he was now quite far from the tower. There was a river nearby and there were very few people around there. Loki spotted a car with a young woman inside, just parked there. The car was on the road, sure, but there was something odd about the situation. He had a bad feeling about this. The woman looked like she was having a conflict of emotions, unsure what to do; either that or she knew what she wanted to do and was just having…second thoughts? Loki contemplated casting a spell so he could hear her thoughts, but he decided against it. Loki had barely blinked when the car suddenly revved and went speeding towards the river. Loki felt his heart rate shoot up and he transported himself into the woman's car, took hold of her and transported back out in time to see the car crash into the river.
The woman was disorientated for a moment, breathing heavily before she saw Loki and screamed. Loki put his hand over her mouth and kept hold of her arm.
"Quiet, please. No screaming," Loki said, fumbling for words, which was a strange occurrence for him. He reluctantly pulled his hand from her mouth when she calmed a little.
"Y-y-you…you're the…the…alien who-who…" The woman cried. Loki held her shoulders, having the decency to look grave. He felt something.
"Why did you attempt to kill yourself? You would have drowned," Loki asked. The woman started crying, weakly trying to push him away, but he imagined she didn't care what he might do to her. Not that he would have.
"YOU. You killed him! We had-had just returned from our honeymoon, a-and I was-was lucky that our apartment was-was further out, but his-his office building…one of those metallic things sliced right through his office…all because of you. He's dead," the woman cried, thumping his chest numerous times in her frustration. Loki stared down at the woman, who was rightfully angry and upset with him. "I can't…I can't live without him. I tried. I really did, but I just…" More tears sprung from her eyes and Loki was at a loss for words. She stopped thumping him, only to turn from him and throw up. Loki found himself with one hand clutching her stomach while the other held her hair back.
Loki felt an inexplicable amount of guilt and pain washing over him as he had listened to her. Helpless and unable to live with the pain. He remembered that feeling very well. That very feeling he had felt whilst dangling from the Bifrost, holding onto Gungnir. Loki had felt no comfort in Odin's words and, despite Thor's distraught features, he fell. Loki couldn't take the pain. And here was a young woman who felt the same. Except, Loki was intelligent enough to admit that she was in a far worse state. All because of him. Of course, she wouldn't fall into the clutches of Thanos and the Other if she had gotten further in her quest for death, but Loki didn't want anyone else to die. Then he felt something. Something perhaps a little like hope. When the woman straightened up, he summoned a glass of fresh spring water and offered it to her, which she stared at with horror at first.
"Fresh water," Loki said, weakly.
"H-how…" She asked.
"I possess magic," Loki answered simply. She seemed to weigh her options before taking the glass and drinking it. Loki knew what she might want next and summoned a pack of those mortal mint sweets. Something he wasn't overly fond of himself. She took the sweets and ate one in silence for a moment before looking at him.
"I-I can't…" The woman whispered shakily. Loki shook his head and put his hand back on her stomach.
"You can…you can live on for your unborn child," Loki told her calmly and as soothingly as he could, though he was sure he was out of practice for such comfort. The woman's eyes widened and her hands flew to her stomach.
"What?" She gasped. Loki smiled at her a little sadly.
"You are with child; you must have conceived on your honeymoon," Loki explained. Loki watched her react with shock, sadness and uncertainty. He imagined that she was unsure whether she could cope, but mixed with the feelings of happiness that usually came when one found out that one was with child.
"I don't know what…" Her voice broke and Loki found himself wrapping his arms around her.
"What is your name? Mine is Loki," Loki asked softly.
"Ava," she replied.
"Ava. I know I have caused you much pain, along with many others, and…I am not proud of my actions," Loki spoke softly, an edge of sadness and regret in his voice. "I have to live with that. As do you, because of me. This child could be the, ah, silver lining? I am not overly fluent in Midgardian sayings. If you do not wish to live for yourself, then live for her."
"Her? I'm having a daughter…? But it's too early to tell…" Ava said.
"Not for me; I am not a proper Seer, but I can see a few things, small things…like a small child," Loki said, softly. He heard and felt her break into more sobs, but he had a feeling that there was a little hope in these ones. Loki felt her pull back and watched as she wiped at her face, tucking her reddish brown hair back away from her eyes. "What will you do?"
"I…can't kill this child. We will live on, for Ezra…he wouldn't…he wouldn't want me to waste my life," Ava said, calmly and clearly. Loki nodded and gave her a small smile.
"Good," Loki said. "How about I take you home? You have a lot of preparations, I am sure…do you have friends to assist you?" She nodded. She then sighed.
"There goes my car…I don't think I'll be able to afford another," she said. Loki walked to the railings that separated the pavement from the river and pulled the car out of the river, placing it back onto the road, or perhaps it was the car park. He heard a few yells and screams. People running away. Loki didn't care. He fixed the railings and returned the car to its dry, natural state.
Loki returned to Ava's side.
"You really are magic…" Ava said, quietly, before looking at him with an expression of questioning. A little bit of hope. He found his heart aching.
"I am sorry…magic cannot bring back the dead," Loki said. Ava's expression fell, but he could see that she hadn't really expected a positive answer. "Come on, you should go home. It has been a rather trying day for you." Ava nodded and he realised that she probably would not be able to drive home like this. Loki took her by the arm. "Imagine your home and I will take you. Worry not for your vehicle." Soon, she was home. They stood in awkward silence for a moment as he wondered what to say. She looked equally unsure.
"Um…look, I don't really understand…after everything you've done, yet today…" Ava started. Loki shook his head.
"I do not need any gratitude; I owe Midgard far more than one life saved," Loki said, a little tiredly. "I will leave. Help can be found at Stark tower, if you need it."
Loki left her apartment and made his way back out into the street where he leant against the building and doubled over with his face in his hands.
The next day found him wandering around New York again; he supposed being trapped in the tower hadn't helped any…not that wandering around and looking at the mess you've made is any better. Loki felt the old vestiges of himself stirring; he did once have a heart, it was now just…broken. Beyond repair? Loki could honestly not answer as to whether or not he would ever return to his former glory. Did he want to? Return to a life of lies, where your friends weren't really your friends but his brother's? And oh, he was not his brother. Loki scowled to himself, sending a bunch of people who must have realised who he was flitting away. How long until some of their law bringers came onto the scene? Director Fury would have less trouble having announced his presence, but the man was a fool.
Loki clenched his fists, the anger bubbling up inside him. There was nothing left for him; no semblance of normality. He couldn't return to the old days. The days where he was trusted, at least, a lot more than he was now. The days when he wouldn't have to go around, igniting fear in the hearts of others, and what good was that? Even after these mortals perished, none of his former immortal allies would trust him. Should he find a way out of this punishment and just accept his fate? Accept what he is…a chaos bringer.
He looked up into the skies, eyes stony before they noticed something. Or rather, someone. He narrowed his eyes and transported himself, much to the shocked gasps and muffled screams of the onlookers. Loki reappeared atop the ledge of one of New York's many skyscrapers. A little away was a young man, perhaps in his mid-twenties, looking down over the ledge. Loki cleared his throat quietly, knowing that if he spooked him enough that he fell, Loki could easily pull him back up. The man jolted, but looked at Loki. Loki found no recognition in the man's face.
"Wha-what…don't try to stop me!" The man stammered.
"Alright, but why are you here?" Loki asked.
"I lost my daughter. I already lost my fiancée…I can't…I can't take it anymore," the man said. Loki ignored the feeling in his chest.
"In the attack?" Loki asked. The man shook his head.
"We weren't in New York at the time…we were trying to get treatment in Boston. She had cancer, you see," the man said, emotion lining his throat. "She didn't make it, and I just…I have nothing left." Loki stared at him, surprised that it was not another case against him. It also shocked him how many people contemplated killing themselves; was it really this common? It was tragic, really. Their lives were already so short and yet they would cut them even shorter? Loki knew little about Midgardian lives; sure, he was more aware than that of his b-of Thor, but his knowledge mainly consisted of literature and theatrical exploits. He knew of their cultures of old; of tradition, but not of the modernity. Of the things that truly inflicted them.
"Everyone has something," Loki said, although he could honestly not say whether he was lying here. Lies were easy; they slipped off his tongue like water from rain clouds. It was so simple to hide behind lies; hides one's feelings until it was difficult to remember what you felt. "If not, forge a new path. Do not waste your already limited time." He stared at the man for a few moments.
"And if I can't?" The man asked, scared. Fear dripped off of him; fear of the unknown. Fear of death. The man was a basket of conflicting emotions; he did not think he could cope with the pain, yet he feared his own demise. Loki held out his hand to him, face serious.
"Then we jump," Loki said simply. The man looked scared and looked at Loki's hand before taking it, almost reluctantly. "You appear to lack conviction…do you not want to jump?"
"I-I…why would you…" The man asked.
"I am the one who brought the army here. I am also one of the ones who fixed the city. No one will miss me, but that in itself is a lie," Loki said, looking up at the sky. Deep down, he knew it was true, but he wasn't ready to accept it. He looked back at the man. "Except, I cannot jump with you. Not really. If we fell off here now…something would stop us dying, because I cannot hurt you. And now I have your hand; you cannot kill yourself." Loki actually found himself smiling at him triumphantly, the ghost of mischief back on his face. Relief seemed to wash over the man's face.
"LOKI! What are you doing?!" A familiar voice rumbled, as Thor landed on the ledge on the man's other side. The man wobbled and Loki took hold of both of his shoulders, fixing a level stare at the idiot he once called brother. Thor took hold of both Loki and the man, taking them to safety upon the ground before Thor marched Loki away and back to the tower. Thor took him up to the lounge before letting him go. Thor turned to Loki looking rather angry.
"What were you doing?"
"I was attempting to find out why he wished to jump and perhaps prevent it," Loki answered truthfully. A dark part of him had thought of lying; of twisting Thor's already negative view of him. He was not entirely sure why. "I had just tricked the man into taking my hand. After all, if he still jumped with me attached, it would not work, would it?" Thor looked like he was trying to work out whether Loki was telling the truth. Loki found he was not bothered whether or not he believed him. In the past, he would have. The past was gone; exactly that what could no longer be reached.
"Is this the truth? If I find that man, will he tell me the same?" Thor asked.
"Yes," Loki said simply. He watched Thor leave and turned to the room, realising it was occupied. How did he not notice? He ignored the inhabitants and returned to his chambers.
