Chapter 10

I don't think I deserve it

Thor returned to the lounge maybe half an hour later, finding a number of his friends still within the room. He looked tired and exasperated, to which Tony poured him a tankard (bought especially for him) of beer to take the edge off. Thor dropped into the sofa with his beer and took a long swig of it; in all of the battles and all of the hardships, Thor had never faced such feelings. He worried for his brother, he was angry with his brother and he just didn't know what to do with himself. Thor realised today that while his brother couldn't hurt someone, there could be ways around it. His father and his brother were both extremely intelligent, powerful and cunning, Loki perhaps more so than their father, especially now. Who was to say Loki wouldn't find a way around their father's punishment? Who was to say Loki wouldn't regain full use of his powers again? It was terrifying and yet, today gave sign to the potential that his brother was still in there somewhere.

"What happened?" Jane asked, sitting down next to him and placing a hand on his knee.

"Loki, he saved that man's life; the man was attempting to end his own life and Loki talked him out of it," Thor said, an air of incredulity in his voice. Jane's eyebrows rose at that.

"That's good, right? I mean, it's…shocking, a little. You know. It means you were right," Jane said. "There's still some good left…even if it would take a lot for him to make up for what he did, if he can." Darcy sat down on the other side of Jane, sipping her drink.

"Maybe he doesn't want to get his hopes up; doesn't know how to feel," Darcy suggested. Thor looked up at both of the girls and nodded.

"It is maddening that my first instinct was one of suspicion; it makes me long for the old days, where the suspicion was for mere little pranks," Thor explained. Tony sat down on a sofa adjacent to him with a whiskey.

"You know, he was out of the tower yesterday as well. I could try and see where he went," Tony said. Thor thought it over for a few seconds and shook his head.

"I would rather he tell me himself," Thor said.

"Good luck with that," Tony said.

"How are things going with you and Loki by the way?" Darcy asked.

"Fair. We are not really anywhere close to our former relationship, but it is better now than it was when I first brought him here," Thor responded.

"Hopefully your little stint today hasn't messed that up, eh?" Darcy teased. Thor chuckled at that.

"It might; Loki knows how to hold a grudge and twist things to his advantage," Thor said.

"You did say he was nicknamed Silvertongue," Darcy said. Despite the undercurrent of seriousness in the conversation, Thor felt a little lighter and he finished his beer off before standing up.

"I am going to talk to Loki," Thor said.

"Good luck taming the wild beast," Darcy joked. Thor laughed too before leaving the room.


Loki sat in his room staring at the wall. Despite having grown fond of the films that these mortals had on offer, he had no desire to view one. No desire to read or practice magic as was his favourite pastimes of old. Loki felt the struggle in his chest, a familiar feeling from the time he found out exactly what he was; a monster. He knew his mother…that Frigga meant well, that she accepted him and had loved him as she had Thor, helped him refine his natural talent in magic and even taught him how to fight when he struggled to grasp Odin and Thor's kind of battle. He was different. And he didn't know that he would ever feel anything but an ache. Loki was not sure what made him flinch away from the many years that he had known Frigga as his mother; was it that he did not think her such now, or that he did not deserve it? Loki had always been well-aware of his own qualities, be they good ones or bad. However, his good observational skills, his self-perception…he felt his grasp upon it becoming more and more out of reach.

There was a knock on his door and he didn't look up; it was either Thor or Darcy. Thor had stopped making the door quake as of late and had learnt some sense of his own strength, particularly when it came to Midgard. It was maddening; how was Thor becoming the more thoughtful one while he was seemingly the more irrational one? Fuelled by anger and less of the calculated person he once was. The knocking sounded again, signalling to Loki that he had become lost in his own thoughts.

"Loki, open the door! I wish to talk to you," Thor called through. "I will break it down if I have to." An empty threat and they both knew it. Loki's room was surrounded by magic; it would take Thor quite a while to get in. Loki dropped his head back onto the sofa and sighed, staring up at the ceiling. At least this was familiar. He opened the door with his magic and heard Thor come in, closing the door behind him. It was silent for a few moments as Thor walked further in and sat down on the other side of the sofa.

"Loki, I talked to the man and it appears I was too quick to judge," Thor said. Loki didn't move.

"Were you? I really am not in a position of trust here; I am not surprised that you thought I was attempting to defy my punishment," Loki said, which caused Thor to blink at him. If there was one thing Loki was good at, it was surprising Thor. Thor would think he had Loki's reactions and ways worked out, then Loki would turn it all around and become unpredictable again. Needless to say, had he been in a better mood, Loki would have smirked triumphantly.

"I thought you would be angry," Thor stated.

"I just hope that young man does not attempt it again; I did not exactly get to finish what I started," Loki said.

"Fear not, brother, I explained to him the situation and that if he needed anything, he could visit the tower," Thor responded. Loki was still not surewhy he insisted on referring to him as his brother; he hardly deserved the title. He furrowed his brow then, looking away from Thor. His chest felt uncomfortably tight and he just wasn't up for anymore interaction.

"Thor, I would really like for you to leave now," Loki said, as politely as he could without having to say please. He could feel Thor's eyes on him for a few moments before he felt the sofa shift and heard the sounds of Thor leaving.


Thor had returned to the lounge somewhat subdued and it didn't take a genius to figure out that something had happened between the brothers, or at least, Loki had upset him in some way. Darcy decided to leave Jane to comfort Thor, as did Tony, and made her way down to their floor. She walked up to Loki's door and knocked on it. She knocked a few more times before trying the handle. No dice.

"Loki? Come on, open up," Darcy said. Nothing. "Don't be such a baby; let me in." Nope. There was no using the laser cutters; the walls were sealed with magic as was the door. Maybe she should leave him be? The last time she had pushed her luck with regards to his privacy, it had come with a nice little bite in the form of harsh words and Darcy really didn't want to go there again. She looked around the corridor for a moment, wondering what to do with herself now. She stepped closer to Loki's door for a moment.

"Alright, I'm gonna leave you be, but when you do want to leave your bat cave…or, well, watch something, let me know, okay? You'll be sorry to miss Inkheart; it's all about books and the beauty of words and for God's sake, Loki, stop upsetting your brother. He's trying, okay? He loves you, even though most around here think he's mental…" Darcy muttered and winced. "Sorry, um, I don't. Dammit, nevermind, I wouldn't wanna see me either." What the hell, brain?!

Darcy tugged at her door before she heard Jane's voice.

"Darcy, there you are," Jane said. Darcy turned around and saw that her friend was alone.

"Hey, yeah. Where's Thor? I thought you two were being all snuggly snuggly," Darcy said. Jane blushed.

"He and the team were called out for an emergency; it's nothing too big, but you know," Jane said. Darcy put her hands on her chest and sighed mock dreamily.

"To have a superhero boyfriend," Darcy said in a sing-song voice. Jane whacked her on the arm. "Do you want to watch a movie together? Maybe you'll finally dig the dirt on you and Thor!" More blushes but Darcy pulled her into her room, setting up the film and getting the snacks and drink. "Come on. Have you two hit the bed yet? Just nod or shake." Long pause, before Jane sighed and shook her head. "No? Why?"

"Oh, nothing bad, we're just taking it slowly," Jane said.

"Awww, that's so sweet!" Darcy said, dodging a whack to the arm. "You know, my arm will fall off if you keep doing that! But seriously, that's great."

"Yeah. I mean, it's not for being not ready or anything, just…well, he admitted to me that he hasn't had any serious relationships for some time and would like to show me how serious he is by courting me properly," Jane said, before Darcy burst out laughing.

"Sorry, sorry…'courting.' Oh my God, it's like he's walked out of Arthur's court or something," Darcy said. "That's good though; I could imagine him being a bit of a ladies' man. Or whatever. He is hot after all. Not that I would go for him or anything, but I do have eyes."

Jane shook her head at her friend and they both burst into giggles despite themselves. They started watching the film Darcy put in and Darcy felt quite happy.


About a month passed and no one had seen or heard from Loki, not even Darcy. Considering she saw him far too regularly before to be considered healthy, this meant he must be really upset. Thor had tried a few times over the month to get Loki to open the door and he had not tried to barge in. Thor wasn't even sure Mjolnir would get him inside. Darcy had tried too, discreetly of course, but no answer. Jarvis had confirmed that he had not left his room when no one was looking. The A.I. did not have video or audio access to the rooms, but motion/heat sensors did confirm that Loki was indeed still alive. Darcy could have sworn she saw a look of disappointment from Barton, but then, maybe she was imagining things. She kind of hoped she was, because sure, Loki had killed people, but wishing him dead in return didn't make you any better. She wondered how Erik would feel about this; he had taken himself out of Stark tower as soon as he learnt that Loki was to stay here. Darcy couldn't blame him; he was barely holding onto his own sanity as it was.

Darcy knocked on Loki's door again, calling out to him and finding, once again, no answer. She frowned, knowing that she couldn't get in through cutting down the walls or door because it was sealed with magic, but…wait, the ceiling! Maybe that wasn't protected. Darcy retrieved the laser cutter from her room and went up to the floor above, thankful that the room layouts were all identical. She found the room above Loki's and was even more thankful that no one was occupying it. Darcy walked to the centre around the sofa and cut a hole through the floor. Then there was getting through the ceiling. Please let me cut through it. She then stopped; why was she so bothered? Maybe because Loki's brother was such a sad puppy right now; not all the time, but every time she saw him return to his room, he looked at Loki's door with an expression of sadness.

So she tried cutting through the ceiling too. It was difficult to tell, considering it was dark, but once she completed the circle, she put her foot on it and the circle fell. Good. She started lowering herself down.


Loki had spent the month shut in his room or in the lounge, depending on his mood. He just couldn't stand to be around anyone and was thankful that his…that Thor had enough sense to do no more than knocking and hollering for him. Then again, Thor knew from past experience to leave him be when he didn't want company. It was the great difference between the two; Thor was quite happy to be with people all the time, whereas Loki did need some space from time to time, more so sometimes than others. Today, Loki was lying on the sofa reading a book when he saw something fall onto his legs. A circle of ceiling or something. A noise and a squeak brought his attention upwards and he shoved the ceiling stuff and his book to the side as he saw a rather surprising sight.

The legs and lower torso of a feminine variety, and really, she wasn't wearing the most appropriate attire for breaking and entering. Loki found himself smiling, amused, for the first time in a long while. He did, however, have the decency to lower his gaze from the undergarments of who he would assume was Darcy.

"Dammit, I did not think this through," Darcy cursed. She kept muttering to herself. "Damn boobs, I could have sworn I cut enough room…seriously, talk about boob-blocked." Loki considered standing and helping her, but he needn't have bothered thinking it as a few seconds later she had extricated herself from her position and fallen on top of him, practically straddling his waist. Loki watched her blink, look at how they were positioned and blush. All the while Loki was smiling, amused. It took her a few more moments of looking from his face to herself before blushing even more and whacking him on the chest.

"Oh, I bet you got a good look, you pervert," Darcy said, annoyed, but he didn't think she was truly sincere in her aggravation. He put his hands on her thighs, still smiling.

"Admittedly I did get a rather nice view, however, I assure you that I looked away as soon as the shock quickly washed away," Loki replied. Darcy just stared at him, narrowed eyes, probably trying to work out his sincerity.

"I'll believe you this time, since I'm feeling generous and I broke in again…so, uh, I guess you deserve something for the invasion of privacy," Darcy said. She whacked him again. "But you have been worrying Thor! Why are you locking yourself away and not letting anyone talk to you…well, Thor, and I guess me. I don't think anyone else has tried…seriously, why?" Darcy asked, pushing his hands away and managing to stand herself up without too much embarrassment.

Loki sat up and brushed a hand through his hair, which was a little longer now and less flicky. He felt the sofa dip where she sat down and he turned to her with a guarded expression. "It…is complicated. I'm not even sure how to describe it, nor whether I really…care to," Loki murmured. Silence for a few moments.

"You don't have to talk to me about it, and I guess not to Thor either, I mean, you probably should talk to Thor. He is your brother, no matter what you say, and he still cares for you. Isn't that enough? Thor told me you weren't related by blood, but…that doesn't matter. I have a good friend who was adopted and they told her when she was about eighteen, which is a fairly normal time, but she really didn't care. Why do you care? Adoption is way better than some things. Like, your mom and dad chose to raise you despite not being theirs biologically. They chose to raise you even though they knew there could be problems, like, some children when they're adopted after they are out of the baby stage can be kinda problematic. Yet parents still adopt them and love them. I just…sorry, I know it's nosy, but I'm just trying to say that, regardless of what you've done, you still have a guy out there wanting to be called brother again," Darcy said. Loki was staring straight ahead, unsure of how to answer her exactly. It wasn't quite that simple, though he didn't know how much she knew about his adoption.

"What did Thor tell you, exactly?" Loki asked.

"Not much, just that you were taken in as a baby and not biologically his brother," Darcy said.

"I am not just an orphan; I was abandoned and left to die, on Jotunheim, home of Frost Giants. All because I was small for a Frost Giant," Loki explained.

"I've heard of them. That's harsh, though. I mean, you're pretty giant to me," Darcy said, joking weakly. Loki's lips twitched.

"They are usually far taller than me; even Thor would barely be taller than their waist," Loki said. "They are a monstrous race; they nearly wiped out Midgard over a millennia ago."

"Ahh, so it's also that. You grew up hating the Frost Giants only to find out you are one…that's kinda messed up," Darcy said. "So is that what this month of locking yourself away is about?"

"Not specifically," Loki murmured. Darcy looked at him.

"Loki, I know we're not friends or anything, heck, I'm not really sure why I have been hanging around with you as much as I have. Apart from that one time, which was admittedly not faultless on my half, you've been quite decent to me, which is odd because, well, you've done all of those shit things…anyway, look, I'm willing to hear you out. Even if a mere mortal's opinion and words don't mean anything, they say getting it off your chest really helps," Darcy said. Loki stayed silent and was glad that she seemed to acknowledge that he needed the moment.

"I have turned into the monster Thor and I grew up hearing about and I am not sure that I really deserve to have Thor call me brother," Loki murmured quietly. He swallowed. "I am not sure that I can truly return to being his brother; and then there are moments when I do not want to let go of the anger. Of all of the hatred and betrayal." Darcy was quiet a moment before answering.

"There's more to this story," Darcy stated. She looked at him and saw his eyes. "But you're not ready to disclose that, are you? That's okay."

"Loki, can I ask you something?" Darcy asked.

"You already are," Loki said, a slight playful undertone to his words, but there was no enthusiasm. He saw her expression. "Yes, you may."

"Are you sorry for your actions?" Darcy asked. Loki looked at her and then looked at the ceiling. It was not something he wanted to answer, but he sighed, knowing he had to. He knew he wouldn't have her company anymore if he didn't.

"Yes," Loki said, tiredly. Darcy looked at him for a few moments.

"Then that's all that matters; I think…someone who is at least sorry and is attempting to make amends in his own way deserves to call Thor brother. Not many are like him; he has hope for you and will probably forgive you in time," Darcy said. "How about this: provided you don't fall into the deep end again, we can be friends. I know that's not much, considering it's me, but you haven't got many other options right now, hm? Though I won't take any bullshit of you trading me in when−." Loki's hand had gone over her mouth and he shook his head.

"Friends. I would…like to try that. I…am not sure…whether I can trust−," Loki started, oddly stumbling over his words.

"Hey, man, it takes two. We'll get to know each other and trust will come in time," Darcy said. "Fear not my villainous friend." Loki lightly glared at her to which she winked.