10. Rid of the monsters inside your head

Two words. Things change.

There was nothing scary in those words, on a first thought, but they were like a Pandora's box, full of frightful scenarios and deep, dark fears.

Yukimura sighed, quietly, holding back his breath as he always did when he felt a sting of panic in his stomach. It hadn't happened for a while, and now it came back.

The what-if scenarios where the worst. Anything he didn't have a direct control on, was the worst.

He stretched out a hand, opened and closed the fingers. Everything was okay. Everything was under control. He breathed.

Yanagi was right. He had plans, and there were many ways to accomplish them, not only one. He wanted to be a professional tennis player. He would become a professional tennis player, no matter what it would take.

"Seeichi loves tennis", his mother used to say, when it became clear to her that he would have chosen any surgery, any way, no matter how dangerous, to have the chance to be on court again - to have the chance to be himself again.

Yukimura didn't love tennis, tennis was him. Tennis loved his hands, that seemed perfectly fit to hold a racket. Tennis loved his mind, his greatest weapon, and his body, that could move on the court with eyes closed, that could paint the lines in his mind so perfectly he could've had them tattooed inside his skin. He wasn't the only thing that mattered in his life, but it was the only one he couldn't imagine himself without. It would have been like losing an arm, or the capacity to walk, or his eyesight. He would need to start to learn how to live again. He would need to restart from zero, like a child learning to walk for the first time. It wasn't according to his plan.

He glanced up, once again in front of the gates of the Rikkai Junior High department, this time not unannounced.

On a Saturday afternoon, there weren't many people around. Many of the club activities had already ended, and people went home for the weekend, making plans with friends for Sunday. In late April, Sundays usually weren't an option for the tennis club. He knew that Sanada forced the regulars on a full day training during weekends as tournament season started, and Yukimura would have done exactly the same.

He walked towards the tennis club, just following his feet to a path he remembered by heart. He walked past the courts, empty safe from a couple of first or second years in charge of the last cleaning duties.

He reached the Captain office. He knocked; that was a thing he hadn't done in a very long time.

"Come in". A voice, not his voice, called from the inside.

Kirihara was there, clearly waiting for him, a phone in his right hand and paperwork spread on the desk, untouched.

"Hi", Kirihara said, hesitant; he was sat behind the desk, his legs at his chest like a cat's. Yukimura was about to tell him to sit straight - Sanada would've yelled at him, Yanagi asked calmly, but firmly - and Kirihara knew that.

Yukimura said nothing. Kirihara put his feet down anyway.

"Would you", he bit his lip, "take a seat". He clearly wasn't comfortable in being the one in charge there. Yukimura wasn't sure he was comfortable too.

He sat down in front of him. "How are you doing?", he asked.

Kirihara looked at him, as he was evaluating his words and wondered if there were a specific answer he wanted to hear. Yukimura started to feel like a judge looking down at the defendant.

Kirihara had never been in such a defensive stance when speaking to him. It was probably one of the reasons why Yanagi told him to go speak to the boy. He probably already knew Yukimura had his reasons, too. Yanagi always knew.

Kirihara glanced down at the papers spread on the table, then back at Yukimura. "What did Yanagi-san told you?"

Yukimura frowned, confused. "What do you think he'd told me?", he asked back.

Kirihara didn't reply, his legs back to his chest.

"Akaya", Yukimura said, "what's wrong?"

"I can't be you, okay?", Kirihara blurted, "I can't. And if you're here to make everything going your way, you're wasting your time". He clenched his teeth.

Yukimura took a moment. He looked at Kirihara. There was challenge in his eyes, but he kept a defensive stance, like a kid arguing with a strict parent. He recalled his previous visit, in which he had returned to his usual self only when they were facing each other in a match.

But maybe, there wasn't anything like "the usual Kirihara" anymore. Things change. People change. It was something he needed to deal with.

"Akaya", he eventually said, "tell me what's wrong".

A lot was wrong. Yukimura sat on his chair for half an hour as Kirihara didn't stop talking even to breathe. The club was wrong. He was wrong. Everything was wrong. He looked like a river blocked for too long by a wall of stones. Once the first rock cracked, there was nothing that could stop the water to flow.

"I tried, okay?", Kirihara said. "I tried to be like you. I just can't!". He seemed on the verge of tears. "People always listened to you. Even when you were second year, the third years listened to you. No-one is that way with me. Never", he looked at him, suspicious. "Thought Yanagi-san had told you".

Yukimura shook his head. He had barely exchanged greetings with the Master after the day of the ranking matches. His friend has always been too busy when they crossed paths to stop for a chat. He saw him more and more often in company of the team's manager; if she understood that Yanagi would've been far better fit than her in that role, she was far from being an idiot.

"Told me what, Akaya?", he asked again.

Kirihara still hesitated, focusing anywhere but on Yukimura's face.

"I'm thinking", he bit his lip, "I'm thinking to quit. As a captain".

Yukimura stared at him. By the way Kirihara was avoiding his gaze, he realized he was thinking he had just dropped a huge bomb, and was waiting for Yukimura to react in the worst way. What could've been the worst way in Kirihara's mind? Disappointment, maybe. Or rage. Or probably, the proof that Yukimura had expected that all the time.

"Why are you saying that?", he asked, calm.

"What", Kirihara snapped. "Aren't you angry?"

"I'm trying to understand you", Yukimura replied. "Tell me your reasons, and I'll tell you if I'm angry".

Kirihara hesitated. Yukimura may have sounded harsh, but, in fact, he was pissed. He wasn't Sanada - who would probably have screamed so loudly they would've heard him in Hokkaido - but he wasn't Yanagi either.

"I-", Kirihara tried, "I'm not you".

Yukimura nodded. "You already said that".

"I can't do what you did. I'm not like that. I can't-", he shook his head.

"Yukimura tried to think what Yanagi could've said in his place. "You can't do what, Akaya?", he asked. "You can't be captain, or you can't be me?"

Kirihara glanced at him, and let out a teary laugh. "Yanagi-san asked me that too", he said.

Yukimura chocked back a snort. At least he was good at guessing.

"And what did you say to Renji?"

"Nothing. I thought it over".

"And did you find an answer?"

Silence filled the room once again.

"So your team doesn't listen to you", Yukimura said, "why".

"I don't know", Kirihara moaned.

Yukimura sighed. "Okay. I'm pretty sure Renji had already told you why".

The boy rolled his eyes. "Yes", he said. "Of course. He said", he glanced at Yukimura, unsure, "he said that I was tyrannical before gaining the respect of my team, as you did".

Yukimura frowned. "Is it me, or Renji implies that I was tyrannical".

"He did", Kirihara nodded. "Well, you were. But we all were okay with that. We wanted to listen to you", he stretched his lips. "Yanagi-san said I can't demand the same respect out of the blue. He said that I have to find a way to build it".

That really sounded like Yanagi's words. Also the part in which he had been defined as tyrannical sounded like Yanagi's.

"So, what you're gonna do?", Yukimura asked.

Kirihara snorted. He seemed more relaxed, maybe, now that Yukimura's reaction probably didn't meet his worst expectations. "Like I knew. How did you do?"

In the way it had to be done. Yukimura frowned. He joined Rikkai at eleven years old, and the disappointment had hit him like a wave. Yes, they were a good team; Kantou champions for 13 years in a row, they only missed the National spot once in the last two decades. They were for sure one the strongest team in the country. And despite that, they were so weak. As a freshman, Yukimura was already stronger than the captain. He became officially Captain only during his third year, but in fact, he had started to rule the team merely weeks after he had first joined the club. Ruling, taking responsibilities, making decisions, winning; all at been natural to him. He didn't need to ask for authority; he just deserved it.

Kirihara, on the other hand... He looked at the boy. He wasn't the right person to give him any advice. His authority had always been based on the fact that he was better than anyone else. If this didn't work for Kirihara - even if, as far as Yukimura knew, he was better than anyone else in that team - he hadn't any different solutions to give him. He had yet to learn them himself.

"I did it my way", he eventually said. "Like Renji said, you need to figure out what's yours". He looked at him. "I didn't realize it was this bad, when we met last week. You seemed to do a good job".

That was only half the truth, but Yukimura didn't feel like it was the right time for further criticism.

"I am, in some ways", Kirihara eventually said. "It's just like-", he shrugged, "I am criticized the whole time. Every decision I make, get discussed. Even when I force my authority, they still complain with me". He glanced up. "No-one dared to complain with you".

"That wasn't true", Yukimura sighed. "I had Renji. I had Sanada. You need to find someone to confront with too. There are a couple of people that I could suggest, but you need to choose them on your own". He became serious. "You are captain because you're a more experienced player, and you're already part of the team. This doesn't mean you have the right attitude to be one".

"Oh, thanks", Kirihara grimaced.

"I didn't say this to offend you", he added. "And I didn't say you can't become a good captain. But you need to become it your way, and according to your team. I was a different person. I had a different team". He snorted. "I'm sure Renji had already told you that".

"More or less", Kirihara said. "Yanagi-san was nicer, though".

"He always is". He tilted his head. "So you thought Renji had told me you were in the middle of a crisis, and that I came here to scold you".

"I was expecting Sanada-san", Kirihara replied. "But yes, that's it".

As if Yanagi would've sent them yelling at Kirihara like they were very-disappointed-guardians. In fact, Yukimura wasn't that sure that he wouldn't.

"I want to ask you something", Yukimura said.

Kirihara nodded, expectant.

"Why did you want to be like me?"

The guy startled. "What kind of question is this?"

"A simple one".

Kirihara adjusted on his chair, chewed his fingernail. He sighed. "Because everyone would. Everyone would like to be on the top. Everyone would want to be a champion". He shook his head. "But no matter how I tried-"

"But you still tried", Yukimura interrupted him. "For two entire years".

Kirihara lifted his head. "I did. I'll still do".

"Why?"

"What do you mean, why?", Kirihara looked confused. "Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you try to beat someone who always beats you?"

He's still hungry, he heard Yanagi said in his head, and we're not anymore.

Yukimura challenged Morimura, and lost. And the only thing that he did was showing him how he could destroy an opponent. And the only thing that he got was being expelled from the tennis club.

He wanted to beat the captain. He wanted to find out the right strategy, he wanted to dismantle his game piece by piece until he would kneel at his feet. And if he wasn't strong enough yet, he wanted to improve. Yanagi wasn't right. He was still hungry. He still wanted to win, so much it burned.

He couldn't help but laugh. "You're right", he said. "You don't need a reason".

"I'm gonna beat you, senpai", Kirihara was dead serious. "I've promised I would, one day. And I will".

"I'll wait for your challenges", Yukimura replied. Then he stood up. "I better go now. Thanks for the talk, Akaya".

"Thank you", the boy stood up as well, "I guess?"

Yukimura smiled. "Can I ask you one last thing?"

"Do tell".

"Do you still want to quit?"

Akaya paused. "I don't want to quit", he then said, looking at him straight in the eye.

Yukimura smiled. "I'm glad to hear that".


Hello! I don't know if there's still anyone here reading!

Life have been busy within the last two years - graduated University, started new courses, finally found a job, yeeh! - and I barely got time to write.

This chapter was meant to have a second part - but I'm struggling to decide how to write it, so I ended up choosing to publish a shorter chapter rather than nothing.

I've not abandoned this story - it won't be easy, but I really really want to go ahead with this, I've spent so much time figuring out the plot and all the OCs to just drop it to the void.

I'll do my best to try and update sooner.

Leave me a comment if you like! Lots of love,

Fanny

Prince of tennis belongs to Konomi Takeshi

Rid of the monsters inside your head [Lauren Aquilina - King]