13. It's a final mess but it's left me so empty

"You're gonna be kicked out from the club, you know".

Marui frowned. "I guess".

"And you're gonna regret it".

"Probably".

"Oh, fuck this, Bunta".

Marui raised an eyebrow. It wasn't that common to hear Jackal's cursing - not in the school grounds, at least.

It was nice until it lasted, Marui guessed. Jackal left him alone, as he clearly wished to. In the end, probably tired to be ignored, to send texts left unanswered, came all the way to his class to face him during the break. Marui knew he wasn't being a good friend. He just didn't feel like being a good friend, at that moment.

"I can't understand why this is so important to you".

Marui sighed. He had done his best to avoid Jackal after their match - well, to avoid anyone after that match. The following day, he didn't go to the club. The mere idea of a long afternoon of basic practice made him feel sick. He hated it to the guts.

It should've been for one day only. Then it became two days. Three. Then, Naoto stopped being surprised to find his brother already there when he came back home from school. Both his parents didn't mention it yet. Sign that no note had arrived from school. Maybe the school didn't care. Or maybe his parents didn't care.

Jackal, apparently, cared.

"It's not". Marui didn't even know what he was talking about.

"It's just a match, Bunta", Jackal reprided. "It isn't like we've never lost one before. This reaction is…", he shook his head, "what are you, twelve?"

Marui snorted. As if losing that match had been the problem. Okay. It had been part of the problem. But barely all the problem. He realized he didn't want to talk to Jackal about it.

He could already hear the whole conversation inside his head. Jackal would've said that he was being childish. That it was predictable that High School competition would be on a completely different level. He would've reminded Marui that he needed his scholarship. He would've reminded him how bad he had been their first year of Junior High, before becoming the number one doubles team in the country. They only needed to start from zero, as they've done before.

He just- didn't want to hear that. He didn't want to do that again. He had no motivation to do that again. Why should him, when he was so close to his limit he could touch it with his bare hands?

"Yanagi is worried too", Jackal added, "he told me…"

"What", Marui snapped, "to have me 'being reasonable'? For 'my own good', maybe?"

Jackal's expression stiffened. "To check on you, to see what was going so wrong to have you skipping practice for two straight weeks". He rubbed his eyes. "Goddammit, Bunta…"

"There's nothing wrong". Marui looked away from him. "I just-", he stared out of the window. "I have other priorities right now".

"Yeah. Sure". Jackal nodded. "Like what? Eating? Showering? Sleeping?"

"You don't even deserve a reply". Marui restrained himself from telling him to fuck off. He regretted to even have thought about opening up with him. Why should him, when even Jackal was so ready to think he was just slacking off?

"Jesus Christ", Jackal sighed. "So tell me what's wrong, because, believe me, I have a huge problem in understanding you right now".

"No one asked you to, to begin with", Marui replied, dryly.

Jackal stayed still for a second. "Fine", he shrugged. "Fine. I got the message. Loud and clear. Just-", he hesitated, "when you're ready to talk about it- You know you can count on me, right?"

"Right", Marui muttered. He felt like shit. But still-

"Fine". The bell rang, signing the end of the break. "Fine. Hope I'll find you on the courts, today. Or tomorrow. Or-", he sighed. "Well. See you 'round". He left Marui's classroom for his own.

"See you", Marui replied, when Jackal was too far to even hear him, feeling a little bit more like shit.

Jackal meant nothing wrong, he said to himself, as his classmates slowly came back in. He never did. He knew he was worried for him. He would've been the same, if their roles were switched. And still-

He rubbed his eyes. He just felt tired. Tired as he had never felt before. Everything seemed just- too much.

He had climbed that mountain already. He had struggled with fatigue, scraped his hands and knees, died of thirst and heat, freezed to his toes and sweated like hell, until he had finally reached the top- just to wake up, and realize he had been dreaming all along. To realize he was at the bottom of an even greater mountain, with its top too high in the skies to could even be seen.

He just couldn't take it anymore. He couldn't have himself reaching a practice court anymore. And still-

He couldn't even think of quitting, too. The mere idea of leaving the club, of doing something else - to never play again - he couldn't even think about it without feeling the urge to scream.

He didn't know what to do, so he did nothing. For how long? Well, he didn't want to think about that either.


"Patience is the key, Seiichi", Yanagi said. "And, if I can point that out to you, it's something you'll need to train".

Yukimura snorted; he turned to look at Matsui.

"Is that your plan", he asked her, "waiting?"

"We're not talking about waiting", she replied, "we're talking about timing".

Yukimura could see no use in a dissertation about word choices. It was Saturday morning. On Sunday, the first matches of the district tournament would be held. Rikkai would play as the first seed. Obviously. Their qualification for the Prefectural Tournament, in May, was already taken as granted. Obviously.

And yet, every match was the first and the last, every match was a coin launched in the air, which could equally drop on either side until the last point was played.

Yukimura knew it too well. Everyone in his former team got to knew it.

He couldn't lie to himself. This Rikkai - Morimura's Rikkai - was still his Rikkai, and he couldn't help but feeling himself linked to the school's name, to the expectations of him bringing glory to this name in High School as he had already done in Junior High - and most of those expectations were his own. He tried to ignore them. He spoke as he didn't care. Lies.

Rikkai's Yukimura. Yukimura's Rikkai. As much as he tried, he couldn't take those two names apart from each other.

Not yet, at least.

"You're thinking about this weekend's matches", Yanagi said.

Yukimura didn't bother to deny it. Ha was glad Sanada wasn't there. The three of them - him, Sanada, Yanagi - had resumed their habit to meet for lunch break together during the last days. Somehow, anyway, they had managed to avoid speaking about tennis at all.

At least until the current team's manager had decided to join them for the day, to update them about her, quoting, 'glamorous plan'. He wondered if Sanada would approve any of that. He wasn't sure he himself did. Yanagi, on the other hand, seemed to enjoy his time a lot.

"You spoke to Atobe". Yukimura glanced at the girl. He had known nothing about this 'plan', aside from the fact that Yanagi was 'working on something'. Well. Speaking with Atobe Keigo was nothing he could have imagined anyway.

They've had a practice match against Hyoutei, the week before. Yukimura remembered to have left the school grounds even earlier, that day. A practice match with Hyoutei. He went straight to the private club near his home, and passed all the afternoon in front of the ball machine. Ball after ball after ball, until he couldn't even hold the racket in his hand. And even after.

He wanted to play in a match. In a official match. He wanted to feel that adrenaline again, the challenge in front of you, the-

"But before speaking about Atobe-san", Matsui ate a spoon of ice cream, "I need to know I'm not wasting my time. Yanagi-san assured me I'm not, but-"

"Wasting your time", Yukimura repeated. As if he had never asked her anything at all.

"Don't misunderstand me, I don't know you, I don't feel like I need to help you or that you need to say thank you, or shit".

Yukimura said nothing.

"But I also need to know we're on the same side of this", she continued. "I really like Morimura-senpai, and I don't want to mess things up or to make him angry for nothing. Do you understand?"

Yukimura didn't like the tone she chose. At all.

"You did something stupid, everybody knows that, and now everybody thinks you're a stubborn kid with no respect for the rules. Well, the few that care, at least", she shrugged, "almost everybody doesn't".

"Matsui…", Yanagi glanced at her.

"What? I'm just telling the truth. He's big enough to take it. And-"

"Do you really think that all the faults are on my side?"

Yukimura didn't want to deny his responsibilities. He was the one he wanted to come back in the club, at least. Well, him and Yanagi, that apparently cared about that even before Yukimura himself did, as he had involved the manager too in his plans.

But he refused to say he was the only one to blame. He still thought that Morimura was far from being a good Captain, and wasn't that ecstatic at the idea to join a team lead by him. But that was Rikkai, now. He could adapt. But not kneel.

"Yes, you're right, Morimura-san isn't perfect. For instance, I've seen his Chemistry test on the desk yesterday, and- No, this isn't relevant. What I'm trying to say", she sighed, "Morimura-san is respected. A lot. It may does not look like that at the beginning, maybe because most of the regulars are a big bag of dicks - you've never heard me say that", she shrugged. "But he is. By all the club. And really, I don't know in which kind of jungle you've lived before, but anywhere else you can't go and challenge the Captain to take his place. We aren't wolves".

"I don't think Seiichi wanted to 'challenge the Captain to take his place', Matsui-san". Yanagi was speaking to her like a grade schooler. "You got it wrong. Seiichi only wanted to show him it wouldn't have been a wise choice to leave him out of the team".

"But he already knew that", she glanced back at Yukimura. "After I watched your videos, I already mentioned it. He had done his research, too. He did it for every single new player. He knows all of you. He just doesn't care".

Yukimura grimaced.

"Because", she continued, "we're a strong team without you. You're acting like you're the flour of our cake. You're not. You're the strawberries we put on top. You may make the cake looks better, even taste slightly better, I don't deny it, but the cake already exists and it's already fucking delicious, thank you very much".

Yukimura was about to stand up and go away. He glared at Yanagi. It was his fault that he was sitting there, being lectured by a girl he barely had talked with before.

How could he think that would have any use for him?

"May I ask", he said, finally, "why are you here, if you think I'm that useless?"

She swallowed the last spoon of ice cream. "Because I never said that".

"And if I can intervene", Yanagi said, "I think Matsui has expressed a right concept in a wrong way. What she means, if I'm allowed to give your words an interpretation", she looks towards Matsui; she shrugged, "is that everybody know you're strong. But what Morimura values are other things. Teamwork. Adaptability. Humbleness". He looked at him. "That includes showing respect to your teammates, showing respect to your Captain, showing respect to the rules".

"And I'm not showing any respect, is it what you're saying?", Yukimura asked.

"As Morimura had seen, you aren't", Yanagi said, without a blink.

Yukimura stayed still, his mind going back at that day in which he - well, he just messed it up.

But even if he went ahead and apologized, what change could it make?

"So that's why I'm here", Matsui said, "because I'm working side by side with Morimura-san every day. I'm getting to know him - and I like him, Yukimura-kun, I won't lie to you. And Yanagi-kun likes him too, even if he doesn't say it out loud to not hurt your feelings- whatever", she shrugged, after Yukimura glared at her. "You just", she tilted her head, "had a bad start, that's all. Now you can choose to stay away from the club for this year and wait for him to graduate, you can choose to stand your ground and let him keep the bad opinion he has about you, or you can choose to make him change his mind. It's up to you".

"And what's your interest?", Yukimura asked, staring at her. "Why do you care?"

She looked at him with pity. "Should I have any interest at all?"

Yukimura glared at her. Yanagi raised an eyebrow. She laughed. "Okay. I'm a thinker, right? In the current team, as regulars, there are two second years, Two!", she lifted two fingers. "And even with the new recruits, we have five. Of course, Morimura-san is thinking in terms of the next district tournament, then the City tournament, Kantou, Nationals…", she designed a circle on the table with her finger, "but I need to think forward. And, as Yanagi-san assured me, we're gonna need you by our side". She smiled. "Also, I think your fight was very stupid. A pointless battle of egos, if you ask me. That's why you guys need a female manager, to put some sense in this bunch of wild testosterone- oh, nevermind", she sighed. "What I'm trying to say… is your pride worth your future, Yukimura-kun?"

"You don't understand it", he cut it short.

"I probably don't", she nodded. "Maybe I'm wrong. But maybe you are".

A long moment of silence followed.

"So", Yikumura finally said. "What do you suggest. And", he pressed his lips, "how's Atobe involved?"

She smiled, widely. "Brace yourself, Yukimura-kun", she said, "this is gonna be a wild ride".


"How did you convince him?"

After Matsui had explained the 'plan', Yukimura didn't struggle to realize there was Yanagi's mind behind it. Even if she acted as if she had thought about it all by herself, he couldn't prevent to think she had been manipulated by Yanagi in a way so subtle she didn't even realize it. Well, she wouldn't be the first, nor the last. She may act like she 'understands' people, but she seemed to fail to realize she had a master of that art just beside her.

She explained how she studied the rivalries that they had in High School; she got information about the best players of their year. Himself, of course. Then Sanada. Tezuka, who was in Germany. And Atobe.

"When the Captain said we would have a practice match against Hyoutei, a big lamp blew up in my head", she clapped. "You know, sometimes I really feel like a genius, seriously…"

Yukimura snorted. He had already heard that.

"...and I thought, you can't convince Morimura-san like that, of course, but he can make him-", she shrugged, "more eager to listen, at least. Also taken that we have lost 3 games to 2 on the practice match".

Sanada had lost too. He had played doubles pairing with Hirose Tomoaki, Yanagi told him. He had also told him Hirose was a member of their club, back in Junior High. Yukimura recalled to have heard the name, but he couldn't match it with a face he remembered.

Well. It still wasn't something to be satisfied of. Yukimura could always think, 'if it was me, I wouldn't have lost', but the truth was that he couldn't be so sure against that anymore. Not after Morimura. Not after Echizen.

Two words. Things change.

"Atobe-san told me that he would never want you in your team".

Finally, Matsui decided to tell him something about his conversation with the former Hyoutei's Captain.

"He said you would be the worst teammate ever. But yet, I understood that he still wanted you as a rival. And then he said that now you owe him a favour", she tilted her head. "He asked me to remind it to you, in case you've missed this point".

Yukimura cursed between his teeth. "And what did you tell Atobe, exactly?"

She sighed. "I told him you've done something very stupid, and got kicked out for the club. What?", she said, after Yukimura addressed her a long, angry glare. "First, it's the truth. Second, it's something a guy like him just loves to hear about one of his rivals. Yanagi-san told me that".

"Oh, do you?", Yukimura turned towards Yanagi, who had just taken a sip of his coffee.

"I just figured Atobe would be very amused by your misfortunes, and that it would've put him in a good mood to begin with".

"Well, he found it very funny. But to be fair, he didn't ask me for details. He only said it was typical of you, not being able to do a simple thing as apologizing". She looked at him. "If you're asking me, he accepted to help also because he was really amused by the whole situation".

Yanagi chuckled. "It would be typical from Atobe".

Yukimura wasn't amused at all. The idea of becoming a joke for Atobe to tell his friends - if he did have any, at least - didn't sound pleasant him at all.

"Oh, come on, Yukimura-kun", Matsui rolled her eyes. "Leave your pride alone. It's not like it have helped you until now. Moreover, I don't think Atobe-san was badly amused. He was amused in a good way. He agreed to help us, and drop a hint to Morimura-san that you could join their team very soon. And as I eavesdropped, he even compared you to Roger Federer".

"I don't think he used this exact words, but I find positive that Atobe accepted to do this part nevertheless", Yanagi said, "there was a good chance he'd just refused and said he didn't care. Frankly speaking, even without you, he will not be short of rivals over these three years. Even without any of us", he added, for the benefit of Yukimura's ego.

"And what did Morimura said?", Yukimura cut it short.

"Well", Matsui looked elsewhere, "it may be a chance he understood what we were meaning to do…"

"Oh, nice". So now Morimura could also think he was so desperate to send his 'friends' to tell him that he was the best player ever. What was pride, at this point.

"...but he listened to me, later. He let me speak… I told him it was all my idea, don't make that face, Yukimura-kun, I beg you", she sighed. "I said, he let me speak, and listened to me. I didn't tell him everything, but I was quite honest with him, telling him I was thinking at the team when the Third Years graduate, and how I seen you were an amazing team, you all, back in Junior High, and how I thought it was a pity to give up a very promising player for a stupid fight like that".

"And what did he tell you?", asked Yanagi. This was news for him too, apparently.

"Nothing". She sighed again. "'We will speak about this again after the matches', he told me. That's why I told you to wait. Now he has only one thing in mind, and it's the matches to come. But I think, well", she shrugged, "now the ball is in your hands, Yukimura-kun. First things first, you gotta apologize".

"I don't mean-"

"Oh, you do", it was her turn to glare at him. "I didn't go all the way flirting with that Atobe guy and laughing at every bullshit he said for you to make it waste. He had even rejected me in the end, can you believe it? I didn't even ask him a date, or anything. You guys are weird sometimes, let me tell you".

"Did he?", Yanagi asked.

"He told me I'm 'not his type, sorry, sweetie'", she mocked Atobe's voice- "Like I ever asked. It wasn't nice for my ego, though, I have to admit that".

"It never is", Yanagi nodded, "human ego is so fragile even in losing chances we weren't even interested into, if you-"

"Can we focus back on the fact that Atobe has-", he glanced at Matsui.

"Planted a seed in Morimura-san's mind", she replied. "Like in that movie, you know. The one with Leo di Caprio with a spinning top". She shrugged. "Okay, he may have understood his motivation, but I'm confident the seed will grow. Now, you know what we need, more than everything else?"

"Morimura to disappear from this planet before tomorrow?"

"We need timing", Matsui said. "And we need to water this seed. That's why I want you to come to watch the matches, on Sunday".

Yukimura took a deep breath. "I was already meaning to do that", he finally said. He wanted to see Rikkai in a real match. He wanted to see his Rikkai in a real match.

Matsui seemed surprised to hear those words; she didn't understand him at all, Yukimura thought, even if she was that sure she did.

"Well, that makes things easier. After we'll win, he'll be in a better mood, more relaxed, and everything will go all right".

If the team wins, he wanted to say, but he couldn't do that. Losing wasn't an option, for his Rikkai. Even if it wasn't his Rikkai anymore.

She was smiling at him, like she had already solved all his problems.

He couldn't share her optimism, and yet, he realized, he wanted to share it. He wanted to be part of the team again. He wanted to practice every day after school, he wanted to gain himself the chance to play in a real match again. Watching from the stands, during the ranking matches, had been frustrating. He didn't believe there could be something more frustrating that his disease, than being trapped on his own body, not knowing if he could ever play tennis again, and yet he felt himself feeling the same impotency he had felt back then, sat at the border of the life, watching the others living his own in his place.

He should've been the one to face Morimura in the ranking matches, not Niou. He should've been the one to join the team as a new regular, not Sanada. Was it fair towards his teammates? Probably not, he admitted to himself. But, nevertheless, it was what he felt. Lying to the other was easy. Lying to himself? Definitely harder.

He wanted to play. He understood he was ready to do anything to be part of that team again, to be part of his Rikkai again. To go back to the place where he belonged.

Two words. Things change. And sometimes they need to, to stay the same.


"So Sanada's probably gonna play", he said to Yanagi, after Matsui finally left.

Somehow, it was still his Rikkai. "And Niou as well".

"I don't know", Yanagi replied. "They're among the new regulars, but the formation hasn't been announced yet".

Yukimura nodded. He'd never gone to see practice after the ranking matches. He lost touch with the team. With his team. He lost touch with his Rikkai.

"What about the others?", he asked Yanagi.

"Yagyuu and Jackal come everyday to practice", Yanagi said. "I'm quite surprised, if you ask me. Not by Jackal, of course. Bit I thought Yagyuu wouldn't care so much for basic practice if he couldn't play in matches. And yet, he's one of the last to leave every day. I guess I misjudged him". He scratched his chin. "I wonder what else I did get wrong".

"And Marui?", Yukimura asked, "you forgot him".

Yanagi's eyes darkened. "I didn't", he said, "but that's another story".


Hello there!

I'm currently working on the character's sheets - I'm getting a new computer next week, my bank account is crying but at least I'll be able to make some content without needing to wait three hours just for Tumblr to open.

I'll probably publish them on my account - rikkaidaily on Tumblr - and leave you some kind of link there, if allows me to.

Anyway, please believe I really love Yukimura Seiichi (after all this time? always) even if it doesn't seem so.

Please leave a review if you like to!

Virtual hugs,

Fanny

The Prince of Tennis belongs to Konomi Takeshi.

It's a final mess but it's left me so empty (Florence and The Machine, Shake it Out)