I own nothing. Least of all this.
1:22
"The next time you pick a planet named after a Greek goddess, I am GIBBS-SLAPPING YOU!"
"YOU'RE the one who said it would be 'perfectly safe'! YOU said that as long as got in and got out quietly, everything would be great! YOU said that there was absolutely NO WAY to make a wrong turn in a ventilation shaft!"
"Yes, well it wasn't a wrong turn, was it! You can't possibly expect ME to take the blame for a bunch of high-society snobs holding a super-secret meeting in a room that hadn't been used in years!"
"Oh yes I can and I WILL!"
Things had, as you may have guessed, not gone entirely according to plan.
We had landed on Persephone with relatively little trouble. The Serenity had been easy enough to find amongst the jam of ships. After all, how many people do you know that look like Kaylee when she sits on the cargo ramp?
According to the perky engineer, Captain Reynolds, Jayne, and Zoe were out "picking up supplies" (code for getting paid for a job), and the ship wouldn't be going anywhere for some time. Perfect. That left Us with more than enough Time to cause a great deal of trouble for a great many people that deserved it.
Or Time to walk around and see the sights, whichever Rose preferred. And if our walk took us anywhere near Badger's base of operations, well, it would just be a fine coincidence, wouldn't it?
I took care to describe in great detail exactly where I had parked the TARDIS, and left the job of moving it to the hold of the Serenity in Kaylee's capable hands. Best not to go materializing around on a world where teleportation would draw a lot of uncomfortable questions. After that, it was off to explore.
We had just passed a particularly shady fruit dealer, when Rose finally brought up the subject of the planet's government.
"So, there's two classes, totally separate from each other, yet both depend on the other's existence to survive?"
"Something like that."
"How is it the richer class can look down on the others so easily, then?"
"The Alliance supports them. They prefer it when everything is rigid, set in stone. The richer class provides at least some semblance of 'order', however they define that. And so they turn the other way whenever something of a questionable nature might happen to anyone who brings attention to themselves as an objection-er."
"That's not right."
"No. It isn't. But anyone who might have had the ability to change things joined up with the Browncoats in the War. And that means they're probably either dead, in prison, or running like the Captain of the ship we just hired."
"We're not dead. Or in prison. Running, though? That might come after."
I smirked. "After what?" (as if I didn't already know).
"After We change things."
"Well, then. If We're gonna change anything around here, might I recommend We start with the man inside this building that We just so happened to stop in front of at the perfect moment."
Her head slowly turned to the warehouse, and then back to me.
"I hate you."
"I know. Shall We?"
"Do you have a plan?"
"Nnnope. Making this up as I go along."
"Alright then. Lead the way."
It wasn't hard to bypass what little security Badger had. Just a few goons put down for the count, and a bit of jiggery-pokery from my sonic, and we strolled right into Badger's den (see what I did there?). I did leave what few cameras I saw running. Usually a good idea to let your host know you're coming.
Needless to say, that made him a little antsy.
Well, either that or the mask. It does that.
"I presume all the dramatics were necessary.'
Classic Mark Shephard.
"Of course. Call it an audition. We have a proposition to make, and from what We hear, you're the sort of person that respects ability."
"Naturally. Whenever I see it, that is."
"Ouch. That hurt. And here I was hoping we could be friends."
"I don't do friends. And what could two artists of destruction such as yourselves possibly have that I could want?"
I slowly held up my psychic paper. "Credentials. All completely genuine, all completely functional. They are, however, not for sale. We are."
He leaned back in his chair. "I'm listening."
"We can get through practically any security on the planet, virtual or non. But when it comes to the actual structure, how it all runs, so to speak, we've got next to nothing. Comes from being new around here, I'm afraid. We thought that you might be able to point out a worthwhile...project, and provide any useful information you might have, in exchange for a split of the proceeds."
"Seventy-thirty split."
"Forty-sixty."
"Fifty-five-forty-five."
"Deal."
"Excellent. Unfortunately, there's really only one job around here that I couldn't easily replace you two for."
He began sweeping papers off his desk.
"All the high-society types like to keep their money off-world. Understandable, given how many people here would like to get their hands on it. But there's one group that has to keep their cash here…"
A map of a building complex emerged from under the pile of clutter.
"...is the government."
I stared. "You want Us. To rob. The government."
"I know your type well enough. Travels around a lot, enjoys sticking it to those snobbier than you would like. Probably fought for the Browncoats in the war, and spent a good deal of time with intelligence in order to get documents as good as those. Which means that not only are you the ones most used to breaking Alliance systems, but you're the ones most motivated to do so. Just the right kind of job for you."
Oh, this was perfect. "You make a fair point. What do We need to know."
And so it was that an hour later, armed with maps, guard schedules, and an account to deposit the stolen virtual funds in (that would come in real handy later), We found ourselves running as fast as We could down a bunch of seemingly endless corridors. Thank Gallifrey for virtual overlays, because otherwise We would have gotten lost for sure.
I really did have to find a better gun to carry than just the Colt. There were so many times I had the opportunity to light our pursuers up and couldn't, just because I really didn't want to waste any all-powerful bullets. Shame.
Still, we made it out with barely any injuries apart from a bruise where Rose had landed on top of me after I failed to move out of the way of that ventilation shaft's exit. Partially my fault, and partially not. There isn't really a good response to falling out of the ceiling in the middle of quite a lot of not very nice people. Thank Gallifrey that politicians make excellent hostages. Well, they did for about ten seconds. Just long enough to get through the door, and then it was lights out permanently. They wouldn't be missed. It was pleasing to see Rose had absolutely no problems dealing with Her own blubber-er. I would have to get at least something for Her to defend Herself with as well.
After about eighty left turns interspersed with a Fibonacci sequence of right ones, we made it to our 'back door'. Whatever or whoever might have noticed our somewhat rapid departure had been taken care of on the way in, whether peacefully or not. The ride back to Badger's den was relatively short and quiet, all things considering. I took the time to make a change of plans due to what We had ended up dealing with. Things like that required at least some form of response, after all.
Finally, a mere two and a half hours after stepping foot on the planet, we were back in front of Badger. And things were going exactly the way I'd expected them to.
"What do you mean! We did the job, we get the pay! That's how it works!"
"Not, in fact, how it works. At least this time. I was counting on you two to be discreet. And instead, you manage to assassinate two politicians, and get the entirety of the planet's security force out looking for you! I simply can't afford to keep around those who make hashes of things like how you did! There's no pay, for either of you. Now...get out."
"I think not."
Several guns swiveled in our direction. "I think so."
"Very well, then. Your funeral. Literally."
"What did you say?"
"Oh, didn't I mention? That little bank account you set up for the funds? I may, or may not, have traced the entirety of it back to your own accounts. It was just so easy once I realized how simple it was to copy your voice authorization." For once, my exact Crowley voice match coming in handy. " And then, We just left all that lovely data just sitting pulled up on the Alliance's main financial computer that We hacked.. Oops."
"...WHAT!"
"As of about, oh, three minutes ago, you just became the most wanted man on the planet. All of your legal assets were frozen, and transferred to the Alliance. Including several nasty viruses I left behind on the trail I so helpfully provided. Viruses that reversed whatever fund transfers they could find before they got shut down, meaning that," my visor started whirring, "several million Alliance credits just disappeared into thin air right after the investigation into you started, and then reappeared in an account only I can see or access. Hilarious, that."
"WHY? WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?"
"Oh please, you don't think I recognize a setup when I see one? One where it just so happens that a room your records swore was permanently out of use suddenly became ground zero between a collaboration of two groups of your rivals that you particularly loathe? Tut, tut, Badger. Not very subtle at all. I had planned to just take all the money back that We rightfully stole, and leave you out that, but I really, and I cannot stress this enough, really, dislike being backstabbed. So, a little impromptu justice was served, and I get to walk off richer than you will ever live to be. At least, if the Alliance has anything to say about it."
"And there'll be no walking for you, not if I have anything to say about it. Kill them!"
*INSERT LOTS OF GUNS GOING OFF AND DEATH NOISES*
"...Well, that was dramatic. Good to see you, Captain. I take it my payment went through?"
Captain Malcolm Reynolds holstered his pistol. "Every last credit. You didn't exactly give us much warning."
"Believe me Captain, you had as much as I did. But where are my manners? Introductions. I'm the Witcher. And the goddess of beauty and destruction to my right is Rose."
"Pleasure."
"Captain."
"The lady currently pointing a Mare's Leg at anything that might decide to be only mostly dead after all is my mate, Zoe. And the absolute unit behind you appropriating whatever he feels like is Jayne."
A voice sang out from behind me. "Aw Captain, you know I only take the guns and the ammo. Ain't nothing else these goons have we need more of."
"Jayne, your room is already stacked full of guns." This from Zoe.
"So?"
I snorted. "That man gets it. I have to ask, though: which of you thought it would be a good idea to shoot Badger in the ...southern area?"
"That'd be me!"
"Right. You get an extra thousand credits just for style points."
"Aw hell yeah!"
"As grateful as I am for any extra money my crew happens to earn, I would prefer it if any further additions to our funds were made on board my ship."
"You make a fair point, Captain. The sooner we get out of here, the sooner we can tip off the authorities like any loyal Alliance citizens would, and cash in on that lovely reward I'm sure has already been posted for our dearly departed friend's whereabouts."
"Huh?"
"He means we split and then tattle to the Alliance about this place to get even more money out of 'em."
"Well why didn't he say so then?"
Zoe sighed. "He did, Jayne. He did."
"Alright, everybody pack up. Witcher, you and I are gonna lead the way. Zoe, you take Rose in the middle. And Jayne, watch our backs."
And with that, back out into the city we went.
"I gotta ask, what in tarnation possessed you to double-cross Badger unarmed?"
"Oh, I was armed." I swung my coat open a little to reveal my holster. "It's just not a weapon I've got that much ammo for. I prefer to solve things with a little more style."
"Not much ammo, huh? How hard is it to find for that antique?"
"Harder than you would believe. Let's just say the bullets are meant for those who are a little more than human and leave it at that."
"First time I've ever heard 'Reavers' called 'more' 'stead of less."
"I wasn't talking about Reavers, Captain. Although I suppose it could kill them just fine as well."
"And I suppose you're not 'bout to elaborate beyond that."
"It's above your pay grade, Captain. Heck, it's above mine. Doesn't mean I don't trust you; just means there are certain things in the 'Verse that are never good to learn."
"You don't have to tell me; I've seen plenty of 'em."
"Yes. So I'm told."
We spent the rest of the journey in silence. I suspected Zoe was asking lots of innocuous questions about exactly where We came from, and Rose would be doing her best to avoid giving a straight answer. Jayne, of course, would be relieving the tension with his snort-inducing commentary, whether he meant it that way or not. Still, I was sure everything going on behind me would be fine. Zoe and Jayne were two people I knew I could rely on, despite never meeting them before in my life. Funny how that works.
All too soon, we found ourselves at our destination. The Serenity, beautiful as ever. And coming down the ramp, I recognized Kaylee, the good doctor (I'm sorry to say I'd forgotten his name), and…..
A kid.
A kid with red hair that could only belong to one person.
Bollocks. Much farther in the future than I had thought.
"Leaf, I thought I told you to stay with River."
Leaf. They kriffing named him Leaf. Of course they did.
"But River said I needed to meet the new people!"
One of these days I needed to find Fate and string her up with her own threads.
Wait…
Oh no. Kids were bad. Kids were potentially catastrophic. If Rose saw him…
*FWUMP*
Bollocks.
"Rose? Rose? Doc, we got an emergency!"
And here he came. "What happened Zoe?"
"I don't know, she was perfectly fine, and then she saw the ship and just…"
"It's alright, I'll take it from here."
They all swiveled to look at me.
The doctor was the first to object. "Absolutely not! This woman has obviously…"
"THIS woman has obviously had a very understandable reaction after seeing something neither of us had anticipated. I am perfectly aware of what caused it, and bed rest is all she needs."
"Sir, I don't care who you are, you can't tell a doctor not to perform his duty."
Oh, the irony.
"In point of fact, I tell that to doctors all the time. But that is not what I'm doing now. If you'll simply help me carry her somewhere she can rest, I'll explain along the way what happened; as a fellow professional. It is a very personal problem, something I would appreciate not being spread around."
"...Very well. But I reserve the right to make my own decisions on treatment."
"I can't ask for more."
I could, in fact. But I liked the doc, and left it at that.
"Put your left hand under her head, and your right under her back. I've got her legs."
"Right."
"Gently now."
As I once again carried the unconscious form of Rose Tyler up a staircase, I got the distinct impression that this was going to be a good deal of my life from now on.
"Demon's Run."
"How, how did you know?"
"I'm from his future. I always know. Why on Earth are you wearing that?"
"The Doctor's idea."
"Of course. His rules of engagement. Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee."
"Look ridiculous."
"Have you considered heels?"
"They've taken Amy. And our baby. The Doctor's getting some people together. We're going after her, but he needs you, too."
"I can't. Not yet, anyway."
"I'm sorry?"
"This is the Battle of Demon's Run. The Doctor's darkest hour. He'll rise higher than ever before and then fall so much further, and I can't be with him till the very end."
"Why not?"
"Because this is it. This is the day he finds out who I am."
"And the Witcher? The Doctor's looking for him, too. Whoever he is. Said not to tell you, but I thought you might know..."
"Who the Witcher really is? Yes. Yes I do. And all I can say is if the Doctor is truly looking for the Witcher, then God help you all. Because he might, just might, actually find him. ...And I'm not sure he'll be able to live with what that truly means."
