I own nothing. Least of all this.
1:29
"Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow...ow."
"Witcher...please tell me...you were expecting that."
"...I was expecting that."
"...You're lying."
"Yeeeeeppppp."
"I hate you."
"I know."
"...Boss?"
"Yeah Jayne?"
"...We dead?"
"...It's a possibility."
"...Boss, I hate to add to our troubles, but I don't think the good place has walls made a'wood."
I cracked one eye open. Whatever I was expecting, it certainly wasn't an old, run-down...barn?...with a giant hole in the floor. Oh, and a crying blonde in the corner.
"Ah. Um, excuse me, Miss? Hello?"
Obviously still in shock. Glowing portals opening right in front of people tended to produce that reaction. I tried again.
"Miss? Hello? Terribly sorry, but would you mind telling us, exactly, where we are?"
"...Who...who are you?"
"Well, that's a long story, but most people call me Witcher. The lovely lady I presume is behind me is Rose, and the intimidating fellow with the rather large weapons is Jayne. Now, who might you…"
A handgun filled my field of view.
"...Be."
She moved pretty fast for someone in obvious emotional distress.
"WHERE IS HE? WHERE'S NEAL?"
A second gun entered my vision, aimed at the now quite evidently hostile blonde.
"I'll do you one better: WHO is Neal?"
I couldn't resist.
"I'll do you one better: WHY is Neal?"
The Bittenbender Method.
"...What?"
Throws 'em off their rhythm every time.
"Never mind. Miss, I think I speak for all of us when I say we don't know anyone named 'Neal', in this world or any other. Why, may I ask, were you under the impression that we did?"
"BECAUSE...Because...he...he fell through...and...and then…"
"And then we…"
"You. You have to know where he went. YOU HAVE TO!"
Her gun was shaking quite badly now.
"...I'm afraid, miss, that we don't. But if you'll just, put down that gun, we would be more than glad to help you find out what happened to him."
"Would we?"
"Yes Jayne, we would."
"There. See?"
"...How can I trust you for sure? For all I know, you're working with them."
"Them?"
"...Greg. Tamara. Whoever they're working for."
Oh.
OH.
Oh bollocks.
I knew exactly where we were. And exactly at what time we had arrived. This was where it all changed. I would have to choose my words very carefully, otherwise we might very well do the equivalent of bringing down the hammer on the timeline.
"...I can assure you, Miss Swan, that neither I, nor my associates, would ever work for the same group as Greg and Tamara."
"...How did you know my name? I didn't tell you."
"Yeah, and how'd you know who this 'Greg' and 'Tamara' are, Witcher? And who their bosses are?"
"...I know your name, Miss Swan, the same way I know who you're ultimately fighting...I've fought them too. Them, and their Home Office. They've been trying to get to both you and Storybrooke for quite a while now, I'm afraid. And Fate has, apparently, decided it's best if we help you stop them. For good."
"We stoppin' more bad guys?"
"Afraid so, Jayne. At least, if you want any chance of all at getting home. Because I have a growing suspicion that the same people we've been discussing, the same people that opened the portal we just fell through, are now the only people in town with a way to send us back to where we came from. Am I right, Miss Swan?"
"...Yes. The beans."
"Ah-ha. So, since you obviously want both justice and answers, and we want a ride home...truce?"
"...Truce. For now. I still don't trust you."
"You'd be a fool if you did. Jayne, you can holster back up. I don't think the Sheriff is gonna be shooting us anytime soon."
"Aw, hell. She's the sheriff?"
"Afraid so. Looks like we're playing nice for awhile. I'll make it up in your paycheck."
"You'd better."
"Lead the way, Miss Swan."
Counting Regina lying on the bed, there were four worried faces all looking our direction upon our entry.
Charming moved first, obviously to determine both what had upset Miss Swan so, and whether or not protection was needed from the well-armed companions she had with her, i. e. us.
"What happened?"
He stopped when the head count caught up with him, and he realized exactly who was missing.
"What is it?"
By now even Snow had realized something had gone very wrong. "...Where's Neal?"
"...He's gone. Tamara...shot him."
And everything broke down after that.
Snow stayed by Regina's side, but I could see it was with great reluctance. Whether that was due to a desire to comfort her daughter, or question us, I couldn't say. Charming instantly switched gears to "protective dad", leaving the job of interrogation to the only person in the room I really didn't care for.
"Greetings. My name is…"
"Mother Superior, yes I know. Or the Blue Fairy, if we're being technical."
"...You seem to know me, but I'm afraid I'm at a loss as to who you are."
"Understandable. I'm not from around here, you might say. Name's the Witcher."
"Rose. Rose Tyler."
"Jayne Cobb."
"A pleasure to meet all of you. If I might ask, how are you acquainted with both of my names? It isn't everyday we get visitors in Storybrooke, after all, and I thought I was acquainted with all that knew the truth of the town."
As I opened my mouth to reply, Regina's voice cut through all discussion.
"Where are they? Where are Greg and Tamara?"
Charming cleared his throat. "...They got away."
"So they still have it."
If it was possible, Snow looked even more worried. "Still have what?"
"The trigger."
Everyone in the room turned to look at me.
"A trigger?"
Regina answered. "That will destroy Storybrooke."
"Well, not exactly destroy it, so much as rip it from time and space and hurl it through the void back to where it came from, which I guess would technically destroy it, but…"
"Witcher, not. Helping."
"Right. Sorry. Continue."
Snow picked up the conversation again. "Why, exactly, were you carrying it around?"
Charming spoke up. "She was going to destroy us, Mary Margaret."
Regina nodded. "I was going to use the beans to take Henry back to the Enchanted Forest."
"And in the process, kill all of us!"
Regina swung right back. "You wanna discuss justification? You were going to abandon me! Or shall we discuss the more pressing issue, which is that I no longer control the trigger!"
"This trigger…" I interjected, "by any chance would it happen to look like a rather large, black diamond?"
"...How did you…"
"I'll take that as a yes, then."
"Witcher, that's.."
"The same thing that got us all stuck here in the first place, yes. A black-point hole. If I hadn't managed to destroy it, we, and the entire world we were on, would have been dragged straight to Hell. And you can imagine how that would have gone."
"Boss, if these guys is fixing to do the same thing as that Borusa fella, does that mean…"
"That the entirety of Storybrooke will be sucked through the Void, a place where nothing good can survive, straight into the hands of demons? Yes, yes I rather think it does."
"No. No, that can't be right."
'Believe me, your Evil Queenness, it is. That trigger is the physical manifestation of the forces necessary to anchor this place in an alternate reality. Release them, and this town will be dragged back to where it was originally brought from. Which wouldn't be so bad, if it weren't for one thing: this place isn't originally from the Enchanted Forest either. If it was, magic would have come with it. That, plus the diamond itself, and the fact that this town is one second out of sync with the rest of reality, tells me all I need to know about where this town originally came from...Gallifrey."
"Is that in Ireland?"
I sighed. "No, Charming. It's not. It's in Hell."
"Like, actual Hell?"
"Yes Jayne. Literal, actual Hell. And a journey there is something no-one can survive."
Well, aside from a certain group of hunters in Kansas, but that was besides the point.
"Right. How do we stop it?"
I smiled. "Well, you are the sheriff here, Miss Swan. You tell us."
"...Gold..we need to tell Gold..and Henry."
"Capital. Keep going."
"Mother Superior...see what you can do about…"
"Of course."
As Blue floated by, I barely caught her whisper. "Don't think I've forgotten, Witcher. I still want to know all about you."
I whispered back. "As entertaining as that sounds, I'm afraid we have neither the time, nor the tea. Perhaps later; if we all survive."
"Yes. Later."
"And as for you three…"
"At your service, Miss Swan."
"I still don't trust you, Witcher. I'm not letting you out of my sight. But I need someone to stay with Regina and make sure Greg and Tamara don't come back to finish the job."
"Yes, I think that would be the best for all of us." the bed-ridden Mayor snarked.
"Hush Regina. Rose, would you and Jayne stay here? And if anyone that's not us shows up…"
"I can kill 'em?"
"No, Jayne. We need to interrogate someone. Shoot to disable, not kill."
"That works too. So long as I'm the one doing the grilling."
"Are there any objections to the absolute unit working over either Greg or Tamara if they're stupid enough to show up?"
"Go for it."
"...Do what you have to."
"That's a yes, Jayne."
"Awesome."
"Witcher, you're coming with David, Mary Margaret, and me. We're going to get Henry first, and then Gold."
"As the lady commands. Just let me tell Rose something in private, and then we'll be on our way."
"Go ahead."
I pulled Rose aside.
"Witcher, what…"
"Shh. I don't have much time. Just trust me when I say it's vitally important you get Regina to trust you. She feels and understands more than she lets on. Try and stay on her good side; we're gonna need her later."
"Do you know what's going to happen?"
"More or less."
"...Okay then."
"Perfect. Catch you on the Flip Side."
She pulled me into a hug.
"Catch you."
"Witcher…"
"I'm coming. Alright; Let's rock and roll."
The conversation in the car was, predictably, stilted.
"So… what'd you say to Rose?"
"Nothing much. Just to stay on Regina's good side; well, that and keep Jayne from getting on her bad one. He can be quite...blunt."
"Yeah, got that."
"Where are you folks from, anyway?"
"David! That's rude!"
"What? We need to know, Mary Margaret."
"You still can't just ask people like that."
"Oh yes we can."
"We're the sheriffs, it's our job to ask."
"Is that why you wanted him along? To grill him where he has no option but to answer?"
"Yes."
"Why…"
"It's alright, Miss Snow. I quite understand. If anyone dropped out of the sky in front of me back home, I'd probably be doing more than just asking questions."
"And where is home, exactly?"
"Oh, quite a long way from here I imagine. Another world, much like your Enchanted Forest. But not attached in a way such that magical portals allow travel between them."
"Is there magic there?"
"Of a sort. More highly-developed science, than anything else. But magic like you have here? No, no I'm afraid not."
"Then how do you know so much about how magic works here? How did you know who we all were, both here and in the Enchanted Forest?"
"...You have to understand something first: where I come from, my people...we're the scientific equivalent of magic-users. Time Lords, we were called. It was our job to watch over reality, and ensure that no-one meddled too much. Once we traveled between worlds as easily as you can here; we saw things you would never believe. Stories like yours, we took special interest in, to keep things from ever getting out of hand."
"Out of hand? What do you call this?"
"David!"
"It's fine, Miss Snow. He's right: things are very bad, here, and throughout reality. And that is for one very simple reason: my people, the Time Lords...they're gone. All of them. Well, except for me and a few others."
"Oh...oh I'm...so sorry. What happened?"
"A war. The greatest war the universe ever saw. One which I couldn't fight in; not as I wished. And in the end, both sides wiped each other out."
Charming continued the train of thought. "...And there's not enough of you left to keep things together."
"Pretty much. But the chances of someone like me, who knows practically everything there is to know about this specific world, coming here by accident, unharmed, through an exploding portal? They're astronomical. Things like that have been happening a lot lately. Which leads me to believe someone more powerful than any of us has decided to step in and lend a hand. And that is a comforting thought."
"Doesn't help like that usually come with a price?"
"Yes. And I have a pretty good idea of what it will be. Until then, I'll keep doing my job."
"And don't forget: you have friends to help you. Rose, and Jayne."
"Yes. Well-paid friends, but friends nonetheless."
"So, you're both rich, and a Lord of Time? What do we call you: Your Worshipfulness?"
"Ha, ha. Nice Han Solo quote. But no. I'm no Lord here. Here, I'm just the Witcher."
"So you know Star Wars. What else do you know?"
We spent the rest of the ride discussing similarities and differences between the Doctor's universe, the Enchanted Forest, and Storybrooke. I never mentioned Pete's World, or Rose's story. That wasn't mine to tell.
Oh, and it turns out Miss Swan really liked Cat Stevens. Go figure.
