I own nothing. Least of all this.
1:36
"Boss."
"Yeah Jayne."
"Why's everything upside down."
"It's really very simple; it's not. We are."
"…What."
"Watch this."
And I then proceeded to walk up the wall, until I was standing on the ceiling.
"Come up and see me some time!"
"Very funny."
"I thought so. Come on, come on, we haven't got all day!"
They joined me promptly forthwith.
"Okay, that, was freaky. And I mean, freaky. I seen some freaky stuff lately, but that, I gotta say, was the freakiest."
"Yes, thank you Jayne, we get the point. And you ain't seen nothing yet. This way."
The familiar checkered floor clicked by under our boots, leading the way to…
"Mr. Magorium had a Door of Rooms. Welcome to Wonderland's Room of Doors."
"What the…"
"I know. Everyone start checking for one that opens. If all else fails, we'll go through the original. Wouldn't care for it, but if there's a way back home, this place is the best bang for your bean."
We fanned out, and soon the air was filled with the sound of rattling doors. After trying a few (all locked, of course), I came to a screeching halt in front of a very particular one made of carved wood. It looked like the kind of door you'd see on one of those old stand-alone coat closets. Several engraved panels surrounded one larger one in the center, all depicting rather Edenic scenes. On the panel in the middle, a sunrise was etched in the background, and front and center was the large, looming, roaring form of a male lion. The rest of the door, I couldn't care less about, but that lion…I knew it. I didn't know how, but I did.
Slowly, I reached out, and turned the knob.
The door swung open.
"Hey guys…I found one."
In front of me floated a glowing, green portal.
"Yes! For once, we can just step through! No more awkward landings!"
She was already moving towards the door when I held my hand out in front of Her.
"Wait. Let's do this the safe way. I'm the one with a mask, I'll just…stick my head through, see what I can see. You two keep ahold of me to make sure I don't get sucked through or something. Okay?"
"…Fine."
My left hand gripped the door frame, and my right stretched back to hold both of Rose's. Jayne grabbed a bunch of my coat's material with both of his hands, then braced his feet against the walls on either side.
"Ready boss."
"Good. Ready Rose?"
"Allons-y."
"Right."
I took a deep breath.
"Way down we go."
And stuck my head through.
"Buh-buh-buh-bingo! Jackpot! Home reality baby! Not the right time, but still, close enough! And getting Song and River to come pick us up will be a piece of cake."
"Hold up, whaddya mean wrong time?!"
"Oops, would you look at that, gotta go! Seeeeee!"
And I jumped through.
"Oof."
I would've said it louder, but falling twenty feet to land on your face tends to leave you a little short of breath. I groaned.
"Seriously? Who puts a portal in mid-air, that high off the OOF!"
I forgot. Two people jumping through after me, which meant Rose would be coming through right about…
*WHUMP*
"Owwwwwww."
"Boss? You okay?"
"Witcher?"
"Can't…breathe…"
The impression of Kirby I gave as my lungs desperately tried to draw in air was rather impressive, if I do say so myself.
"Where are we?"
"Can't we just…sit still, for five minutes?"
"Nope. C'mon, up and at 'em."
Another groan from me. "Fine. Although I distinctly remember you being the one to say, and I quote, 'no more awkward landings'. By rights, it should be you down here."
"Yeah, and I remember something bout this being the 'wrong time'?"
"Ah. Yes. I'll get to that."
"You'd better."
I slowly stumbled to my feet. "Anyone happen to see where my hat went?"
"…Uh, boss…"
"What? Please tell me I haven't lost it."
"If you ask me, anyone crazy enough to use one of Pointdexter's crackpot contraptions has lost it. And I mean, completely."
I rolled over…and was met with the sight of two older men.
Two very familiar older men.
"Seriously? Out of all the places in the universe to land, it's in front of you two? Why? Why does Fate hate me?"
Stanford Pines, aka Sixer, aka Ford, aka Pointdexter, aka one of the most dangerous men in the multiverse, adjusted his glasses. "I take it your arrival here was unplanned, then. Well, on behalf of this dimension, allow me to welcome you to Gravity Falls."
"…I kriffing hate dimensional travel."
"You can say that again, Boss."
"If you insist. I kriffing hate…"
"Alright, that's enough of that! Right, introductions. My name is Rose Tyler. Who might you be?"
Ford inclined his head. "A pleasure to meet you, fair lady. My name is Stanford Pines, paranormal researcher and extra-dimensional traveler. The man standing behind me is my brother Stanley. And the world you are currently on is our version of Earth."
"Nice. Looks like we're one for three so far on dimension, time, and place."
I cracked my neck. "Not my fault. I go where the portals go."
"And we sometimes wish you didn't, boss."
Ford cleared his throat. "I must say, I wasn't expecting such illustrious guests to be using my portal machine, or I would have certainly done my best to make your arrival a tad less…painful."
"S'alright. Wait, what do you mean, 'illustrious'?"
"Oh, I think it's safe to say I am well acquainted with your story, Miss Tyler; it's not everyone that manages to catch the attention of the Doctor. Many versions of you across the multiverse have done the same as well, including the one from this reality. You are truly a remarkable person."
"…Thank you?"
"Not at all. If I may be so bold, who are your two companions?"
"HEY! I AIN'T NO…"
"He didn't mean it like that, Jayne. Sorry bout that, Mr. Pines, he's used to a rougher version of the world. May I present Jayne Cobb, crew-member of the Serenity, part-time mercenary, and all-time handy person to have around."
"I see. And that, of course, would make you…"
"Not the Doctor, I'm afraid." I stuck out my hand. "Name's the Witcher. Time Lord Unbroken, at your service."
Silence.
Then movement.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!"
"WHOAH! POINTDEXTER! WHAT'S WITH THE GUN!"
A rather large blaster was now pointed directly at my face.
"THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST DANGEROUS MEN IN THE ENTIRE MULTIVERSE! HE'S GOT MORE PEOPLE LOOKING FOR HIM THEN EVEN I EVER DID!"
A second gun joined the first. "I take it with that many folks looking for him, his reward would be…"
"ENORMOUS!"
"Works for me!"
Jayne finally reacted, his own revolver coming up to point at Ford. "HEY! Ain't nobody taking my ride home, much less the dude paying me!"
Yet another click as the Last Word joined the group. "Look, we don't want any trouble! Just…let us go, and we'll be out of your hair as soon as we can."
"ABSOLUTELY NOT! YOU ARE GOING BACK TO YOUR HOME DIMENSION, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER!"
"Dude! Didn't you listen earlier? This is our home dimension!"
"…No, no, I refuse to believe it! YOU'RE LYING!"
"…Would a few million dollars convince you I wasn't?"
One gun barrel swiveled away from me.
"STANLEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!"
"MONEY!"
"I assure you, Stanley, the bounty on this man is substantially higher than a few measly million dollars!"
The gun swung back to me.
"Several million dollars, and an expunged criminal record."
Swing.
"STANLEY!"
Alright, enough was enough.
"Aren't you forgetting something, Ford? If you call the authorities on me, not only are you gonna have them poking around your own less than legal history, you will, inevitably, have to deal with me. Because when I escape, and I will escape, I'll come for you. And I suspect you know what happens to those I come for."
I would have sworn he was about to have an aneurysm. "Now, I'm sure we can be civilized about this. Just, put down the gun, and I'm sure we can work something out."
Several million dollars and an expunged criminal record later, we had worked something out.
Once Ford had realized I was not only a traveler of space, but time as well, and thus had yet to do any of the things I was apparently wanted for, he had what could only be described as a meltdown. He stormed off mumbling something about "bootstrap paradoxes" and "neutron flows" and rather unflattering terms about Time Lords. I thought it best to leave him be.
Stanley, however, was only too happy to roll out the poker cards (Jayne was only too happy to teach him new ways to cheat). Me admitting to a keen interest in Ducktective, but never having the time to pursue it, really got the conversation flowing. And once he got started on his amazing niece and nephew that visited every summer (guess who?), we got along like a house on fire. Literally. Whatever Ford was doing down in the lab, it ended with a lot of flames and the smell of old takeout seafood. And we of course got recruited to clean it all up.
Somewhere during all that, we found out that the second set of Pines Twins was expected back that week to start their vacation, hence the return of the Grunkles just before their arrival. Soos had taken the week off to go visit his girlfriend, so it was back to Stan and Wendy running the shop for now.
Rose, of course, offered to help out, but Jayne was quite forceful in his desire to reunite with the crew of Serenity as soon as possible (he didn't appreciate my joke that if Song and River were late, that might be a couple thousand years). And that was that.
In fact, it took only about twenty minutes from me strapping together spare parts from the basement to send a signal for the distinctive sound of the TARDIS to come whooshing through.
"Took you long enough, Song. I was beginning to think you'd left us here on purpose."
"If it was just you, you could have counted on it. But we gingers have to stick together."
"That's telling him."
But Song had noticed the rather distinctive building behind us. "Oh, my. Please tell me that's the real Mystery Shack."
"You know this place too?"
"Of course, sweetie. I'm an archaeologist from the future. It was one of my first stops."
"Sounds about right." I muttered.
"But I never got to see it in it's prime. And if I'm not mistaken, here comes the man himself: Stanford Pines!"
That stopped the still irate researcher in his tracks. "…No. It couldn't be. Professor River Song! One of the most famous explorers and archaeologists in the multiverse! This is an extreme pleasure!"
"Oh, I'm going to be a Professor someday? Witcher, why didn't you tell me?"
"…Spoilers."
"Yes, I thought as much. Tell me, Doctor Pines…"
"Ford, please."
"River then. Tell me, what were your thoughts on the M dimension? I myself have only made it as far as E-Space, so I'd quite like to hear about it firsthand."
"Of course. Well, as you would suspect, the further you travel along the alphabet, the more the.."
This could conceivably go on forever.
Jayne, thankfully, saw fit to intervene.
"If you two is quite finished, I've got a hot date with a shower and some whiskey. So, if you don't mind…"
"Well, since you asked so nicely…I guess we'll have to continue this discussion another time."
"I look forward to it. Although I suspect you had better hurry up and return the TARDIS; best not to let the Doctor know it's being used to transport someone like..", here he glared at me, "him."
"Ah, but that's the thing isn't it? That is not, in fact, the Doctor's TARDIS. It's…"
"Mine. And don't you forget it, Stanford Pines."
"Boys, play nice."
"Yes boss."
Ford's eyes bugged out. "What fool would ever trust him with a TARDIS? What has the universe come to?"
"I shudder to think. Since it was the one that trusted me with it. Catch."
"…What's this?"
"Call it an insurance policy. Press the button, and it'll call me. Direct line. I know there are certain things that like to pass through here that can cause a great deal of trouble. And maybe, just maybe, you'd like some help from a fellow inter-dimensional criminal."
"I doubt that very much."
"Still. Keep it."
"…Very well."
"Witcher…"
"Alright, I'm coming. No rest for the wicked."
"Quite. I know River has missed you Jayne."
"Yeah, I kinda missed the little scamp too. Don't tell her I said that."
"My lips are sealed."
"By the way, were there actually any of Borusa's students willing to change sides?"
"…Three."
"Out of how many?"
"…Three hundred."
"Ah."
"And I would appreciate it if you didn't say anything to River; she's had a hard enough time of it."
"Understood. Where are they now?"
"I suspect the TARDIS' training room."
"Some things never change. Shall we go wipe the floor with them?"
"The two of us? Against three trained assassins? How dreadfully unfair for them."
"Alright, how bout we each go one on three, and the loser buys drinks for the others?"
"You're on. And I fully intend to make you spend every last credit you have on Pan-Galactic Gargle Blasters."
"As if I wouldn't do that already."
