I own nothing. Least of all this.
1:37
Turns out summoning the Sword of Gryffindor during an informal martial-arts competition is considered "cheating", but smuggling in an indestructible spoon isn't. Go figure. So, after dropping off the three assassins on Karn to heal (both their minds and bruises), we headed directly to the biggest bar on Pelorum to get good and plastered. Oh, and to meet up with the rest of Serenity's crew. But, you know, priorities.
One enthusiastic reunion, two introductions of Inara to Song and Song to Inara, and quite a lot of Gargle Blasters later, the time of our departure could no longer be delayed with bribery, and we were forced to leave the premises. Roughly. None of us aside from River had any business flying a TARDIS, but there was absolutely no way we would make it back to the Serenity's docking bay without further incident, so we ended up flying anyway. Rose passed out in her room (I think), and I helped haul Jayne and Kaylee's unconscious forms to their bunks. Then, and only then, did I allow myself to crash like the Hindenburg.
When I finally came to, it was to the face of River Tam staring directly into my soul. Least that's what it felt like.
"Lorna was asking after you. And I think you were looking for her."
"Something like that. Ugh. Just…give me a mo. Takes a lot to get a Time Lord knackered. I'll be fine in a bit. Any idea where she might be?"
"She is where she was, and will be, until you come."
I blinked.
"Soooo…med-bay then?"
"Yes."
"Could've just said so."
"And where would be the fun in that?"
"…Fair point. Alright, I'm coming."
Lorna was asleep when we arrived. She looked a great deal better than she did the las time I saw her; more color, less bandages.
"She has to spend most of her time resting. Simon says so."
"And one must always do what Simon says. So, should we wake her up, or wait?"
"Four, three, two, one."
Lorna's eyes flew open.
I blinked once more.
"…Okay, that was creepy. And awesome. Please don't do it again."
"As you wish."
"…You came back…"
I knelt beside Lorna's bed. "Hey, of course I came back. Sooner or later, I always do. River said you were asking for me?"
"…Yes…the Silence…we weren't supposed to know…but I found out…"
"Found out what?"
"They're…from the future…"
"Yes. So I gathered. If you want me to do something about that, I'm afraid I can't just yet."
"No…I know that…but you need to know…how they got here…"
"I assumed it was something along the lines of a stolen vortex manipulator, or some other such ex machina. I take it I was wrong?"
"Yes…"
"Pray tell then. Exactly how did the Silence manage to hitch a ride to the past?"
"They called him…Rain Man…never knew his name…just that he hated the Doctor…"
Well, that didn't narrow it down at all.
"…And he had a TARDIS…"
Okay, that narrowed it down quite a lot.
Not the Master, obviously, but almost definitely a Time Lord. The only question was, which one?
I intended to find out.
"…Thank you, Lorna. Not just for telling me that, but for helping at the Run. You were a good soldier."
"Thank you."
"How are you feeling?"
"Simon says I can get out of here tomorrow."
"That's not what I asked."
"…I'm fine. Just tired."
"…Okay. Well, we're definitely going to look into this 'Rain Man'. Maybe we'll even get lucky enough to find him. And I have it from a very reliable source it would be a good idea to have you along. Still want more out of life than just thirty seconds of the Doctor?"
"…More than anything."
"Alright. We leave as soon as Simon lets you go. Until then, rest up. We've probably got a lot of running ahead of us."
"… I hope so…thank you…"
"My pleasure."
Slowly, her eyes fluttered shut. Asleep again. Good. I stood up, turned around, and almost ran smack into River. Truth be told, I had almost forgotten she was there.
"You cannot stop the rain, Witcher. Not this time."
"I stop whatever I like. But sometimes it's better to let it fall. If this…'Rain Man' is nicer than Borusa was (not a hard feat), then perhaps…perhaps we can come to an arrangement. I'd hate to see any more Time Lords die for no good reason."
I sighed. "Who knows if we'll even find him. Probably won't. Still, the fun is in the chase, eh?"
"So they say."
"I owe Jayne a vacation, so that's one less person looking. How bout you? Care to come along?"
"…I can't. Not now. Not after…"
"…Understandable. Things like that…you don't just walk off. You've probably talked to Song already; try talking to Rose. She's had some experience with things like that."
"…I will."
"…Welp, better go see where Song wants to go. Or even if she's awake yet. Blimey, that woman can drink."
"It's a shame she can't hold it that well. That story about Jim the Fish was…entertaining."
"Yeah…I always wondered exactly what happened. And now we know."
"Now we know."
Song was not, in fact, awake. Impressive, considering where she was situated. I think it was safe to say I had absolutely no idea how she ended up atop of Jayne's dynamite stash, much less who put her up there considering Jayne himself was down for the count. Because there was absolutely no way she got that high without knocking over at least several crates of grenades.
This oughta be hilarious.
"GOOD MAAAAAAAAAAAARNIN' VIETNAM!"
Wobble-wobble-wobble-wobble-CRASH!
And that's what happens when you try to wrap your arms around your head while suspended on top of a stack of boxes.
"Owwwwwwww…"
Huh. For once it wasn't me who said it.
"…What was in that drink?"
I shrugged. "You'd have to ask Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, apparently. He's the one that gave the recipe to the bar. We were just the first folks lucky enough to survive drinking it that weren't technically immortal. Sorry; I forgot people that drink his inventions usually end up only drinking them once, one way or another."
"…Sorry? My head feels like the Eye of Harmony, I can still hear that crash echoing around, I'm seeing at least double of everything, and all you can say is sorry?"
"What would you have me say, oh hungover one?"
"…Absolutely. Nothing. Your voice just by itself is making things worse."
"…Yeah, okay, that's fair. If you're feeling up to it in a bit, I'll have some hangover cures ready in the kitchen."
All I got in the form of response was a snore.
Really.
I mean, I've slept in some pretty precarious positions, but in the middle of a mound of explosives? Some people just liked to tempt Fate, I guessed.
Naturally, the only people aware enough to actually haul themselves into the kitchen were the Captain and Zoe. My money was on both Jayne and Kaylee being out of it for at least a day. Simon had stayed on the ship to look after Lorna, so we were spared at least one inebriation. I hope he never found out exactly how much actual drinking his sister had done; if he did, there would be Hell to pay for Jayne.
Cups of coffee were already steaming in front of the two vegetables (probably due to afore-said good doctor), so I let them be. Shouldn't be too hard to make a few cure-alls; I had to get pretty good at dealing with my own hangovers after that one time…
That really was one supreme bachelor party.
Trying to keep things down to a mild uproar, I rolled up my sleeves, and got to work.
It wasn't long before Inara swept into the room, poised as ever. "Please tell me you can spare one of those for me."
"Didn't think you'd need one, considering how well you held your own. But I think I can slip you one on the sly. Our secret."
"Indeed. Thank you. Is there any coffee left?"
I gestured. "As you can see, the enchanted sleepers have taken the whole pot."
A grunt I took to vaguely mean "Damn right we did" came from the Captain's bowed head.
"I'll see if I can scrounge up some more after I get done blending this. Til then, I guess just take a seat."
She nodded, and sat. I slid a cure-all in front of her, and went back to my mixing.
"He's afraid of you, you know."
"Who?"
"Mal. He's put so much of his soul into this ship, this crew. And here you come out of the blue, someone who's seen more worlds than he can imagine. Rich enough to do whatever the hell you like, or pay people to do it. Charming enough to get practically the whole crew to warm up to you. And the only thing he can see is someone who could replace him in an instant."
"…I never thought about it like that." I sighed. "What should I do?"
"…Leave. At least for a while. Give him a chance to remind them why he's still their Captain."
"…Planning a trip anyways. Might as well leave well enough alone here."
I poured the last of the drinks and set it on the table. "If Jayne or Kaylee come through, make sure they get one of these."
"Will do boss."
"Stop that. Now, I anticipate being long gone by the time these two come around. Tell them it was a matter of some urgency, and I didn't wish to disturb their rest. If what you said about Mal is true, you should probably give this to Zoe instead."
"What is it?"
"Big red button. I can use it to find you, and you can use it to send a big old alarm asking me for help. Don't abuse it; unless its because Jayne got pranked or something equally hilarious."
"Got it."
I grabbed one of the drinks from the table. "Time to go wake up a certain archaeologist. Tell everyone I'll catch them on the flip side."
"Of course."
And out the door I walked.
"Gah! Who does that?! Who takes a look at someone asleep, who would quite obviously like to remain asleep, and decides 'You know what? I think I'll dump a bucket of water on their head!'"
"Me. Be grateful it was just your head; I was sorely tempted to leave you with wet clothes as well. But I know how much work that hair takes to dry, so what can I say except you're welcome. Drink this."
"…It smells like sewage."
"Probably tastes around the same. But it's the best thing I know of to deal with hangovers. Now drink."
"…. Surprisingly, it doesn't taste as bad as it smells…It's worse."
"But the headache is gone right?"
"…Yes."
"Then quit yammering. Up and at 'em. We got things to do, places to see, people to kill."
"Promises, promises. What mischief must we manage today?"
"Hey, I like that, I'm keeping it. And to answer your question, we're going hunting for the means of the Silence's egress to the past."
"…Interesting. Might I ask why?"
"Because the dear Miss Bucket was kind enough to provide me with enough of a description that our culprit could, conceivably, be a Time Lord."
"…The Rain Man."
"You've heard of him, then."
"Yes. And I can't help you with him. Not yet."
"Let me guess: spoilers."
"Something of the sort."
"Nice to know I survive, at least. Well, if you're not coming along, mind telling me where I can drop you?"
"Stormcage, if you don't mind."
"Still haven't let you out, then? Shame. As the fair lady wishes, then. To the med-bay to pick up our little soldier, go to jail, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars."
"And don't forget a towel for my hair."
Rose had slept through the entire flight. I hadn't the heart to disturb her; she'd spent far too long without sleep as it was. Lorna spent the entire time sewing something in the corner; not much for conversation she was. That was fine by me; Song more than made up for it.
"You can't just feather the dampers whenever you like!"
"Oh yes I can! The Old Girl said so!"
"Yeah? And which of us has actually read the manual?"
"Hah! You actually read that dusty old thing? And here I was thinking you were smart!"
*BLAT* *SPLOOT*
"Hah! Mustard! Serves you right for smack-talking the manual!"
*BLAT *SPLOOT*
"Well, would you look at that! Now we're both ginger!
"Ketchup? Really Old Girl?"
*BEE-OO-WAT*
"Really? You can feather the dampers?"
"BEE-WHOO*
"Huh. The more you know. Alright, we'll call it a draw. Better get this mess cleaned up before we land. Oi, I see you over there!"
"I wasn't laughing." said Lorna, laughing.
"Lies. Deceptions. Now give us a hand."
"Can't. This is important."
"More important than condiments? Rubbish. Now, where did you leave that towel?"
*WHACK*
"…. Oh, it's on now!"
"When can we do this again, Doctor Song?"
"Soon. You'll see."
"Looking forward to it."
Halfway back to the TARDIS…
"Witcher."
"Yes, Song?"
"Do you know why they named this place Stormcage?"
"Well, seeing as there's no such thing as a coincidence, I'd say they named it for a certain Oncoming Storm we both know."
"No, actually. They named it after someone else entirely; the Storm Caller."
"…I know that name."
"Yes, I thought you might."
"Is that who's been leaving me these?"
I pulled out one of my Gambit coins.
"Spoilers."
"…Figures. Continue."
"The Storm Caller did the same as the Doctor; he got too big. But he didn't take any warnings to heart when he did. He couldn't. There was no one left who held a place in his heart that could make him stop. So, they built this cage to hold him, for all eternity. They couldn't kill him; not wouldn't, couldn't. And they say he sits there still, at the heart of the prison, having learned his lesson too late. You need to remember, Witcher, that what makes a bad day for the Doctor, is just a day for a soldier. You are not a doctor; but you still have bad days."
I swallowed. "…Noted."
"Now, run along sweetie! You've got miles to go before you sleep. Catch you on the flip side."
"…Catch you, Doctor Song."
