I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:38

"Nothing. Zip, nada, zilch. We've been looking for weeks, gone over every single scrap of information we stole from Demon's Run, and nothing!"

"Well, we've looked in all the places someone might think to hide from the Doctor. Maybe we should try the opposite."

"…You lost me."

"Well, it was pretty obvious Borusa was a trap, right?"

"…Yeah?"

"Well, maybe we should try looking for more traps like that."

"And if they're not the one we want, we will inevitably get sidetracked into dealing with it anyways to try and keep the Doctor out of it. Which is something we don't have the time for. Least not anymore."

"I have a suggestion."

"Finally! The Iron Bucket speaks! Lay it on us, Lorna."

"…Have you considered putting a bounty out for information on this 'Rain Man'?"

"…Ah. Well. As a matter of fact…no."

"…You mean to tell me, we've been sitting with our heels up, for weeks, doing nothing, when we could have just been paying somebody to do our looking for us?!"

"…Yes?"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHH!"

Impressive. Practically every square inch of the floor was now covered in paper. Gingers always seemed to leave a mess behind whenever they stormed out of a place.

"Lorna."

"Yes Witcher?"

"How long have you been sitting on that little brainstorm?"

"…About a week?"

"…Did you really think we'd already tried that, or were you just enjoying yourself at our expense."

"…Yes."

"…Remind me to never let you and Doctor Song sit in the same room."


"We got a hit!"

Lorna and I rushed over to the viewscreen.

"Relatively short hop to the future. Sun-side of a planet called... oh, no."

I took a look for myself.

"…Oh, yes. Makes perfect sense to me. Mercury's always been close to instabilities in the timeline. So unstable in fact, I suspect you might even be able to slip halfway out of the Time War, and guide others to your location to do your dirty work for you. The fact Mr. Rain Man has apparently decided to set up shop in a place called 'The Lighthouse' clenches it. Looks like you were wrong about one thing, Rose."

"What's that?"

"Whoever this is, they definitely didn't want to trap the Doctor. They wanted to observe him. Why else would they hide so close to Earth, the Doctor's most frequented planet. That, plus the fact that this 'Lighthouse' seems to flicker in and out of reality, as well as any information on both it and its occupants whenever someone notices it, just clenches it. Either a TARDIS, or a hell of a good SEP field."

"SEP field?"

"Somebody Else's Problem. Almost as good as invisibility, and costs way less."

"Yes, well, all that would actually mean something, if it weren't for the name on the tip."

"…Ah."

"Just because this Rain bloke doesn't want to attract the Doctor's attention, doesn't mean he's below giving out his location if it'll get him some money."

"So, still could be a trap."

"Perhaps. And it's better to be safe than sorry. After all, someone who would sell out themselves for just a little extra cash has to be dishonest. And a dishonest man, you can always trust to be dishonest."

Rose rolled her eyes. "Honestly.

"Exactly! Throw on your spacesuits, people. Looks like we're stepping out into the light blinking."


"When you said 'Lighthouse', I was expecting, I dunno, an actual lighthouse."

"Since when have Time Lords ever done things the simple way? The grander, the better, in their opinion. Until there's not a trace left of the original purpose."

It wasn't, technically, a lie. Time Lords did love their pomp and circumstance. But they hadn't built this place. And its original purpose was perfectly clear to me. I always wondered what happened to the original Lighthouse; now I knew. Subverted from its natural timestream and used as an anchor to keep…something…from slipping back into the depths of the Time War. And somethings like that were usually bad news.

"You sure you want to come along, Lorna? I can think of only a few individuals crazy enough and clever enough to do things like this, and none of them have a very high tolerance of humans."

"My idea. My fight. Now move. Before I start pushing you."

"Oooo, I like her."

"Yes, you would. Fine. Just watch where you step. These suits aren't exactly mint condition. And there are worse things on this planet that aren't flickering in and out of existence."

"Understood."

It was a relatively short walk; my parking skills had improved spectacularly. Getting to this place was hard enough as it was (ironic), but having to navigate around objects that may or may not be there when you went by just added to the challenge. I suppose they'd call it a quantum asteroid field; never mind they weren't asteroids, and had nothing to do with quantum anything. Typical.

"…. Do we just knock?"

*CLI-CLI-CLI-CLI-CLI-CLI-CLICK-BOOM*

"…Or we could just walk in."

"What if it is a trap?"

"Then we do what good soldiers do; fight. And it is undoubtedly a trap. Be on your guard; reality is fluid here. This place can separate you from your team like…"

*WHOOSH*

"…that. Funny. The instant I get to the Lighthouse, instantly booted from fireteam. Story of my life. Welp, only one way to go now: forward."


"This is wrong. Where did all these stairs come from? There should be Vex portals all over the place. Speaking of they Vex, where are they? Even if they were all killed, there ought to be at least some radiolaria stains on the floor."

But there weren't. No signs of the Vex ever existing here, something that both relieved and worried me at the same time. Whichever Time Lord called this place home had obviously figured out a way to anti-Vex the surrounding area. Which made me question if the TARDIS had been let through on purpose. Oh, who was I kidding, of course it was. Wish there was more I could do than just lock it, but trying to package it one second out of sync with reality was dangerous in a place where reality was out of sync with itself. Belgium 2.0.

A skittering behind me interrupted my train of thought.

Odd; I didn't recall anything insectoid ever making Mercury its home. Perhaps a Cabal War Beast. If the Cabal were the ones responsible for the lack of Vex, they probably had a mutual agreement with the Rain Man. Not good. I needed more information. I crouched in the corner to wait and see what came by.

Yep, War Beast. But one unlike any I had ever seen before. It was practically transparent, seeming at times to fade completely from sight. It was clearly injured, limping the way it did. And stuck on its back, was the second largest beetle I'd ever seen.

Bollocks.

"Trickster's Brigade. Well that explains the lack of Vex. Infinite food supply meets perfect predator. They must have withdrawn. But why would a Trickster attach itself to something with as low of a potential as a War Beast?"

It was right about then I realized said dog was looking directly at me.

Double bollocks.


One rather scrappy fight later, I had at least part of an answer.

The Trickster hadn't been attached of its own accord. It had been surgically placed there, permanently, in such a way that the beetle and the dog were sharing one set of necessary organs. I almost threw up on the spot.

There was only one person I knew who loved both larger than normal animals, and cruel genetic experiments. Looks like the negotiations were definitely going to be short.

Still, it was a fascinating attempt at a new method of invisibility. The theory seemed to be the beetle shunted you sideways in reality, just enough that you disappeared in space, but not time. The resulting energy fed the beetle, and you gained the ability to infiltrate practically anywhere you wanted. It wasn't perfect by any means; the invisibility gradually faded when you moved in space, draining the beetle's energy reserves. But brilliant, nonetheless.

But why would…

Oh. Duh. Aside from the obvious uses (cough, cough, Weeping Angels), I could think of one spectacularly good reason a certain Time Lord might have for continuing this line of experimentation. Looks like I was gonna have a great deal of leverage to use. If I ever reached the top that was.

I sighed, wiped the guts off my boots, and continued up the stairs.


"So that's what happened to the Ark of the Covenant. I always wondered. Figures it ended up being the final chest here. Don't know why I didn't see it before."

"People tend to see everything but the blindingly obvious. Such as the marvelous view you can get up here."

"…Rain Man, I presume."

"Got it in one."

"I was expecting someone…"

"What, lighter? You try living this close to a Sun sometime, see how dark your skin turns. Now, I haven't got all day, so get to the point. What's important enough about little old me that someone would put out a bounty that big on my head?"

"Not your head. Your mind. There's a difference."

"Oh? Do tell."

"Impressive work, this. Dragging this place out of an alternate reality just to try and use it as a bridge to this one, short-circuiting both the Vex and the Trickster's Brigade, but most interesting of all, managing to smuggle several hundred people backwards in time while you're trapped here. You've been playing with fire, Rain Man. Or should I say…Rani?"

His lack of visible reaction spoke volumes.

"Now, I'm not one to hold a grudge, but I would like to point out that that little escapade with the Silence, no matter how profitable it may have been, almost had some rather nasty consequences. It almost drove the Doctor over the edge, and that's something this reality most assuredly does not need. Or have you forgotten the Valeyard?"

A flicker of fear on his face.

"If you were running out of funds trying to escape this place, I'm sure there would be more than enough people interested in this place that would cough up all the money you needed and more. Oh, wait, I'm forgetting. You were ordered to remain hidden here, weren't you? But you just couldn't resist making the Doctor's life a little more difficult. And that's going to cost you."

"Who are you? Really?"

"I've had many names, but the one I answer to around here is the Witcher."

"…I've heard of you. Cold, efficient, ruthless. Some would even say…soulless."

I bowed. "I thank you for the compliments. But I'm just a man doing a job."

"Yes. I think you are. And you do it rather well. It's a shame I'm going to have to kill you."

*FWOOSH*

"Uh, uh, uh. Not today. You can just take a seat while we have what I call aggressive negotiations."

He stared down at the chair and ropes that had appeared around him. "So, it is true. You really are magical. I thought Rassilon wiped out magic here ages ago."

"Oh, he did. I'm just not from around here. Now, here's what's going to happen."

*SCHLUNK*

"Oh, would you look at that. I've never seen a gray heart before. Black, yes. And I think I can take a fair guess at which black heart this thread belongs to. Make a deal with Rassilon did we?"

"We were losing the War. The council decided to bring him back. They needed one final soul to do it. I was the one unlucky enough to be volunteered. Still, at least I got immortality out of the deal."

"And what an immortality. Permanently tied to Rassilon's will. Now, I know you've been trying to shunt yourself sideways in Time as well as space; that's what the Tricksters were for. Find a way to transfer to an alternate timeline, one without this nasty little binding on your soul, but keep what you learned in this one. Of course, you told the old fogey you were merely trying to escape this state of existence, stuck between one world and the next. Huh. I guess that makes you this world's equivalent of a ghost."

"Would you get to the point already. I didn't think it was possible for anyone to ramble more than the Doctor, but you are rapidly proving me wrong."

"Harsh. Now, here's the deal I'm offering. I have a way to magically remove the parasite. You'll no longer be tied to Rassilon. You'll be free to get in your TARDIS, and fly off wherever you like. I'm assuming you've already perfected the way to get un-stuck from here, yes?"

"…Yes."

"Good. In return, I would have two things from you: your black diamond…"

His eyes widened.

"Oh, don't bother denying it. I've already dealt with Borusa, and he had one as well. Had being the operative word."

"…Borusa's dead?"

"As a doornail. And in such a way he won't be coming back. Ever."

"…I always hated that man. You have my thanks."

"Pleasure. The second thing I'm gonna need, is one of your failed beetle experiments. They have apparently worked wonders on your local Vex problem, and I think I can put it to good use elsewhere doing the same."

First the Last Word, now Kephri's Sting. Fate was smiling on me today.

"You actually want one of those abominations? Help yourself. Just keep in mind I deserve at least part of the cut from whatever profits you make on it."

"Will do. Aaaand, I think that's it."

"Aren't you forgetting something?"

"…Probably."

"Your friends you came here with. What will you offer me for them?"

"Absolutely nothing."

I glanced back. "Took you long enough."

"You didn't say anything about aliens with flamethrowers that talked in Cockney accents."

"Ah yes, the Cabal. I assume your experiments?"

The Rani hissed. "Yes."

"Shame. Looks like you're gonna have to replace the whole lot."

"Why you…"

"Stop."

He did.

"Now, do you take the deal, or not?"

"…Very well. Cut away."

"Diamond first. Where's it at."

"Where do you think?"

"…Bold move, even for me."

He smirked. "What, afraid of a little divine judgement?"

"I wouldn't put it past Him. But it's your booby-traps I fear more. How do I open it?"

"A flawless victory, how else?"

"Figures."

My feet turned towards the Ark.

"Witcher, he could be lying."

"Not while I'm holding this, he can't."

"Is that…"

"His heart, yes. Now please shut up while I figure this out."

Three tumblers, ten numbers each. One thousand combinations. Sloppy. But if I knew the Rani, there was instant death behind every wrong answer.

"Flawless…nine…three…got it."

Three, three, three. Easy peasy.

One black diamond went into my pocket, and what was left I tossed to…

"What's this?"

"Doctrine of Passing Auto Rifle. Adept version. One of the best guns ever. Fair warning: it kicks like a mule."

The Rani was flabbergasted. "But…that's…not possible…that wasn't there earlier…"

"Yes, well, unlike you, I've actually gone flawless. Now, how about that beetle?"


"That just looks wrong."

"What? It's just a beetle."

"They're not supposed to disappear like that."

"Nothing's supposed to disappear like that. That's the point. This should make an excellent gauntlet."

"You're not planning to wear that are you?"

"Of course. But invisibly."

An obvious sigh of relief from both of the ladies.

"If none of you object, I'd really like to get out of these ropes and off this planet as soon as possible."

"Of course. Now, this is going to take some very precise cutting. So Rose, don't move your hands an inch. Otherwise things are gonna get quite macabre quite quickly."

"Got it."

I summoned the Sword of Gryffindor.

"Hey, wait a minute…"

*ZING!*

*SNICK*

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA…"

"You can stop screaming now."

"One second. AAAAAAAAAAAUGH! Okay, I'm done. Now get me out of here."

"Nuh uh uh. We're not idiots. You'll get out of there soon enough. But not until after we're well away."

I shoved his heart back in his chest. "Enjoy your mortality, Rani. It's all you've got in life. Catch you on the Flip Side."

"Not if I catch you first."

"Fair enough. Til then."


"You know, I'm just now realizing how ironic it is Borusa ended up on a planet called Osiris, of all things."

"Why is that ironic?"

"Fella named Osiris used to live on Mercury. Ran a group of trials named after himself. Used to be, the only way you could get to that very Lighthouse was by getting a flawless victory. And you usually got some sweet, sweet armor and weapons out of the deal."

"Time Lord?"

"You could call him that, I suppose. Bit of an egoist."

"Definitely Time Lord, then."

"You make a valid point."

"So, who was he? The Rain Man."

"Time Lord as well. One of the Doctor's old classmates, in fact. Should've realized earlier; gave himself an anagram as a name, with a modifier to glaringly point out why the name change. Her original name was the Rani."

"…Oh. I get it now."

"Yeah, bit slow of me. Still, all's well that ends well. Where would you two like to see next?"

"…Can I ask a favor?"

"Of course."

"My mum and dad. They were worried sick for me the whole time I was…can I see them? Please?"

"…Oh, alright. You didn't have to lay it on that thick, you know."

Lorna grinned. "I know. But it was fun. And I need more material for this."

"You ever gonna let us know exactly what 'this' is?"

"Nope. Not til its finished."

"Shame. Alright then, one stop in the Gamma Forests, coming right up!"


"Oh, that's magnificent! I'm going to wear lots of jodhpurs!"

"Not him. Wrong box. But she is still worth grabbing. That's Melody Pond, the woman who kills the Doctor."


"Records available."

"Question. I'm dying. Who wants me dead?"

"The Silence."

"What is the Silence? Why is it called that? What does it mean?"

"The Silence is not a species. It is a religious order, or movement. Their core belief is that silence will fall when the question is asked."

"What question?"

"The first question. The oldest question in the universe, hidden in plain sight."

"Yes, but what is the question?"

"…Only two individuals are known to possess that information. Human female, designation Fenchurch, and Time Lord, designation Witcher."

"Oh. Well, fat lot of use that is, you big ginge. Call yourself a Records ARGH! Argh! Kidneys are always the first to quit. I've had better, you know."