I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:39

I always loved it when I got to this part of the story. Rose had already heard it, and her reaction was hilarious. I couldn't wait to see Lorna's.

"So of course, the very first thing I do is, you guessed it, open the door."

"And? What was in the room?"

"Oh, not much. Just the largest, angriest, white AUGH!"

"An Augh? That's new, don't think I've ever heard of that before."

"Oh, shut it! This is important!'

"What, that little piece of paper?"

"Not just any paper; psychic paper."

"You mean like the Doctor's?"

"Yes. And that's the problem."

"Problem? What do you mean, problem?"

"This message, it was supposed to go to the Doctor's copy."

"Message? What does it say?"

"…'Please save me from the monsters.'"

"…Pretty cut and dried, then. Taking care of monsters is, apparently, our job. I'm not seeing the problem."

"I am. The Doctor, he took care of this in your world, didn't he?"

"Yes. And since the message has made its way to me, I can't be sure he's gotten it too. Hence, I can't be sure whether or not he'll be there."

"So? If he's not, we handle it."

"You're not getting it; if both the Doctor and I have gotten the message, then when we show up to fix it, we could crash right into each other. And then everything I know about how this turns out gets thrown out a window. So, do we ignore the message, and hope the Doctor handles it, or do we go, and thereby risk everything turning out catastrophically?"

"…I assume that's not an exaggeration."

"No. It is not."

"…We go. Saving people may be the Doctor's job, but stopping the monsters? That's ours."

"I agree. We can't just let things like maybes and might-have-beens stop us. We've got a job; let's do it."

"…Okay. Next stop, Eastenders-land."

"…Is that the actual name of the place, or are you just being insulting."

"Oi!"


"No offence, Doctor…"

"Meaning the opposite."

"…But we could get a bus somewhere like this."

"The exact opposite."

"Well, I suppose it can't all be planets and history and stuff, Rory."

"Yes, it can. Course it can. Planets and history and stuff. That's what we do. But not today. No. Today, we're answering a cry for help from the scariest place in the universe. A child's bedroom."


"Really? This kid managed to send a message to psychic paper?"

"Not a kid. Tenza. Like a cuckoo, but nice. And powerful. And right now, scared. Not a good combination."

"So, we're looking for this kid, or either of these people?"

"His adoptive parents, yes. Remember, don't let on how much you know. All we know is about the monsters. And…"

"Avoid the creepy old lady and the bins, we know."

"And the lift. Don't forget the lift, it's very important."

"Right. Got it."

"I mean it. Take the lift, and its ragdoll physics for you. Literally."

"And what do we do if we see the Doctor?"

"You let him do whatever he wants. Do not interfere."

"And if he sees us?"

"Well then we're all bollocksed, aren't we? Don't lie about the monsters, or the paper. Let him think whatever he wants about that."

"And if he asks who I am?"

"…You do as you see fit. If you think it'll distract him too much, lie. If you want to let him have both barrels, shout it from the rooftops. This is yours, Rose. Own it."

"…Okay."

"And what are you going to be doing during all this?"

"Oh, didn't I mention? I'm taking the lift."


"Maybe it was, you know, junk mail."

"What?"

"The message on the psychic paper. Maybe it was just nothing."

I stood up from my crouch at the back of the lift, and let myself fade back into sight. Man, I loved this gauntlet. "Not nothing, I'm afraid."

"SHI…"

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT! I'm a nurse, it's my job to treat heart attacks, not have them!"

"Yes, well, needed to make sure I was here at the right time. I believe you were just about to hit the button for the fourth floor. Oh, and you might want to…"

The elevator dropped.

"HOLD ON!"


"Amy? Amy, are you here?"

"Yeah, here, No, here. Its me."

"I'm here too, in case anyone cares."

"We don't. You okay Amy?"

"Yeah, I think so."

"What happened to the lift? We were in a lift, weren't we?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember getting in, him scaring the crap out of me, and then…what?"

"We're dead aren't we."

"Afraid not, Mr. Pond. We are, in fact, far worse off."

"Worse? What could be worse than being dead?"

"Being where the monsters are. Now we just need to find out exactly where that is."

"Wait, hold up, why are you even here? You knew that lift was gonna take us…wherever this is, how? Are you the one who sent the message to the Doctor?"

"One thing at a time, Mr. Pond! I assure you; I did not send the message I think you are referring to. In fact, I suspect I received the exact same thing on my own paper. Look for yourselves."

"…It looks fake."

"Its psychic paper, everything about its fake. And as for this lift, did you really think someone like me, who makes it my business to hunt monsters, wouldn't notice the crazy readings it was giving off? I was content waiting for one of the uglies to try and use it, when you two walked right in. Now we're gonna have to make our way through unfamiliar territory, and of the three of us, I'm the only one armed."

Slight lie about the waiting, but everything else was pretty much spot on.

"The Doctor doesn't like guns. Neither do we."

"Oh, that's right, I forgot you were a Roman. Tell me, Centurion, would you like a sword instead?"

I summoned the Sword of Gryffindor.

"Or was Demon's Run nothing but an act for you? Either you defend everyone, or you defend no one. Life doesn't let you choose when you have to fight, much less who you fight for."

The Sword went back into…wherever it went when I dropped it.

"Was…was that…"

"Magic? Yes Pond, it was. And that's all I'll say about that. Now, vamanos!"


"You know, it's obvious what's happened."

"Yeah? Really? Cause its not obvious to me."

"The Tardis has gone funny again. Some time slippy thing. You know, the Doctor's back there in Eastenders-land and we're stuck here in the past. This is probably seventeen hundred and something."

"Rory, Rory, Rory. That is most definitely not how the TARDIS works. If anything, this place is in the exact same time as the Doctor. We're just stuck on another plane of reality. One created by a very powerful psychic presence, by what my nose tells me."

"Funny, I thought the nose was Rory's thing."

"Score one point for the Scottish! And the gingers, come to think of it. Let's keep moving."


"Bit neglected, wherever this is."

"What, you think these monsters are the kind to clean up after themselves? I doubt it. If my instincts are right, the front door should be…that way."

"Why would we want to find the front door?"

"Obvious exit point for this quite obviously distorted spot in Time and Space, do try and keep up."

"Guys?"

"Hmm?"

"Look at this."

"Well, it's a copper pan."

"No, it's not. Its wood. Its made of wood and just painted to look like copper."

"That is stupid."

"Not if you're cooking with electric current, it's not."

"Hang on…there's a switch."

*CLICK*

"See? Electricity. Definitely not the seventeen hundreds. Start looking through these drawers; maybe there's a knife or something we can use to jimmy the front door."

"You think it'll be locked?"

"When is it ever not?"

"…Good point."

I, of course, had a lock pick set, as well as my mask. And there was no way we were getting out the front door. I just needed them to look long enough to find…

"…It's an eye. It's a glass eye."

And there went Rory's torch.

"Stop doing that."

"It's not me."

They both turned to glare at me.

I held up my hands. "Not me either. Now come on."

"Yeah, hang on."

"…Well thought, Pond. You're learning. A regular Rapunzel with a frying pan."

"Just shut up and let's go."

"As you wish."


"Oh! At last... ARGH!"

"What is it?"

"No doorknob. Wooden pans, a massive glass eye, and now no doorknob."

"And this clock."

"What?"

"Look, the hands. They're painted on."

"…Ah."

"Witcher? What is it?"

"…The reason I never saw the monsters come out of the lift, is they couldn't."

"What?"

"One-way door. This place…it isn't the monsters'. It's someone else's trap for them. And we just stumbled into where the bait goes."

"How can you tell?"

Echoes of laughter flickered through the air.

"…Because they're here. We cannot get out. And they are coming."

"You've got a sword, chop down the door!"

"And let the monsters out? I bloody think not!"

"…They're getting closer."

"Here. The laughter's coming from here."

"No, wait, Rory don't…!"

The door swung open.

"…Oh. It's just a…its just a dummy. Oh, it's just a dummy."

"…I wish you were right, Pond. Unfortunately, I can think of at least three very bad things that like to masquerade as dolls. Rory, how bout you…shut that door. Quietly. And pray you didn't wake it up."

He did so.

"…This is bad. And it's weird."

"Yeah, says the time-traveling nurse. Come on, we've got to find another way out of here."


"Why aren't there any lights? I miss lights. You don't really miss things till they're gone, do you? It's like what my nan used to say. You'll never miss the water till the well runs dry."

"Rory."

"Except light, I mean, not water. Lights are great, aren't they? I mean if this place was all lit up, we wouldn't even be worried at all."

"Rory! Panicking, a bit."

"Yeah, yeah. Sorry."

"Completely understandable. Just make like Arthur Dent, and don't panic."

"…Help me, please…keep them away from me…keep them away! AAAAAAAAAA!"

"…I take it back. Panic now. RUN!"

"…Don't run away…we want to play…"

"Yeah, no thank you! I'd rather play with the Winter Queen!"

"Lock the door!"

"There isn't one! No, no, no, no!"

"Come on! You've got a sword, do something!"

"What? Disarm them? All they have to do is touch you once!"

"We can't stay in here! We've got to get out!"

"How?!"

I slammed the door shut again. "I've got an idea, but I've only ever done it once."

"Oh, that's comforting!"

"And I've never done it with multiple people."

"Oh, even better!"

"Shut up Rory! Whatever it is, just do it!"

"Right! On three, let go of the door, and grab onto me."

"…Time to play…"

"One, two, three!"

There was a flash of smoke, and…nothing.

"…Ah. Looks like whoever's running this thing is learning. No magic in here, guys."

"Witcher!"

"Ah, yes. RUN!"

"Amy, come on!"

"Rory!"

"Amy! Get off!"

"Rory, go!"

"…Tick, tock, goes the clock, and all the years they fly. Tick, tock, and all too soon, you know who will rise…"

Wait…those weren't the original lyrics…oh bollocks.

"Keep going, Rory!"

I only knew one You-Know-Who.

I needed to get to back to Pete's World. Yesterday.


"Rory!"

"Doctor!"

"Witcher?!"

"Alex! …What? I didn't want him to feel left out."

"Where's Amy?"

Rory pointed.

"Oh no…George! George! You have to face your fears!


"Please George, you have to end this! End this! End it! End it now!"

And there he was, along with…Lorna and Rose?

"George. George, you did it. You did it. Hey, it's okay. It's all okay now. Everything's going to be fine."

"Ask him, George. Ask him."

Things must have gone better than I thought if Rose had already gotten through to him.

"…Are you going to send me away?"

Alex stumbled down the stairs and pulled his son into a hug. "Oh, George. Whatever you are, whatever you do, you're my son, and I will never send you away. Oh George. Oh, my little boy."

"…Dad."

"My little boy…"

"…Dad."

"…What."

I patted the Doctor on the back. "Your turn to be the slow one Doctor. My condolences."

"…What."

And then the world faded into the light.


"…Was I…"

"Yeah."

I pushed past them. "If you'll excuse me, I have a potential explosion to prevent."


Oh, that look. I knew that look. David Tennant had made it the last time. And now Eleven was doing exactly the same, watching Rose and Lorna with George.

"So…you know then."

He half-turned, and stared at the ground. "She didn't tell, if you were wondering. But it wasn't that hard to figure. You…you saved her…from what, I'm not, exactly, sure. But you did. How…how can I ever repay you?"

"Simple. Do your best to avoid her from now on. She's not part of your world anymore, Doctor."

A flash in his eyes. "And I suppose she's part of yours?"

"Quite the opposite. I'm her companion, not the other way around. Rose does as Rose pleases."

"…Yeah. She sure does. …She looks nice with George, don't you think?"

"I know what you're thinking, Doctor. I'd stop before I asked about something I didn't want to hear."

"…Understood. Still, she does look nice, doesn't she?"

"…Yeah, she sure does."

"…I suppose its off for you three, then."

"Well, you know how it is. Always more running to do."

"Always."

"Here. So we don't have anymore incidents with flying thought containers."

"…Big red button. How friendly."

"I thought so. Catch you on the Flip Side, Doctor."

"See you in Glocca Morra, Witcher."


"I'm sorry. I didn't want…"

I held her. "I know, I know. Hey. It's okay."

"…Did…did you…"

"Not a word. Not my story to tell. Well, to tell him at least."

"…Thank you…"

"Pleasure. There. Better now?"

"…No…"

"Understandable. Its been a long day for all of us. Lorna, if you wouldn't mind…"

"Sure. Good night, both of you. Try not to dehydrate in front of that inferno."

"Will do boss. Now, I think we have some Jammie Dodgers in the back, and I believe I can promise tea. How's that sound?"

"…Lovely…"


"…Tick, tock, goes the clock, even for the Doctor…"