I own nothing. Least of all this.
1:40
"Hogwarts. You need. To get. To bloody. Hogwarts."
"…Unless you'd rather I leave Moldyshorts alone to do as he pleases, then yes."
"You're telling me. I lived in that world. For how long. And Hogwarts. Was under my nose. The whole time."
"…In your defense, Torchwood did take up a good deal of your time. Literally."
"I'm sorry, what's Hogwarts? Sounds like a rather messy place."
"Oh, the messiest. The Hogwarts School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. In other words, magic. And all the chaos that goes with it."
"…Wonderful."
"That was about my reaction as well."
"How are we even going to get there?"
"You're forgetting: we know a guy."
"No. Absolutely not. Never. I refuse."
"Sixer, for once in your life, sell your idea and let the idiots that bought it fix it."
"You know as well as I do what happened the last time we turned on that portal."
"Yeah, I saved your butt is what happened. Look, it's the perfect time if you ask me. You got another certifiable genius for both you and Dipping Dot to hang out with. Mable and Wendy get some quality time with some real ladies. Soos gets some help in the shop. And I get money. What's not to like?"
"What if he opens a portal to the Nightmare Dimension? Or someplace worse? What if something comes through, and he can't handle it?"
"He is standing right here. And even if he can't handle it, I'm sure the Doctor could. If anything goes wrong, I can give him a ring. After all, if you can't handle it, I'm sure the Oncoming Storm could."
"I can handle whatever may or may not come out of that machine, I assure you."
"Great! Then we have a deal! Pleasure doing business with you."
I pushed past him before he had a chance to object. "Ooo, you've redecorated! I don't like it."
"Dipper, wasn't it?"
"Yes, Mr. Witcher."
"Please, just Witcher. Mr. Witcher was my father."
"Really?"
"No."
"Oh."
I scooted out from under the blocks the TARDIS was up on. "Look, kid, if you're gonna stand there like a lump in a bog, at least make yourself useful and hand me that hydro-spanner."
He crossed his arms. "Grunkle Ford said to never let you out of my sight. So that's what I'm gonna do."
"Of course. Of course. You should always listen to Ford. After all, its not like he's an inter-dimensional criminal or anything."
"You're an inter-dimensional criminal too."
"Yes, well, I didn't start a civil war just to get a part for a weapon that may or may not be able to kill a demon."
His voice suddenly got extremely high. "Demon? What demon? I don't know any demon. Why would Ford want to kill a demon?"
"…You're right. Not technically a demon. An Eternal. Nasty blokes, like messing with people's heads. Immortal, and practically unkillable."
Dipper had gotten a lot whiter.
"Shake your head boy, your eyes are stuck. I said practically unkillable. Your Grunkle isn't the only one who found an all-powerful weapon in another dimension."
"But…He's gone…Bill's gone…"
"Eternals invest heavily in the whole reincarnation thing, kid. Now, if you had managed to kill him any in other way then what you did, I'd be worried. But I think you trapped him more than anything. And the last time an Eternal was trapped it took thousands of years for them to escape. And even then, it was sheer bad luck it happened. Bill Cipher isn't coming back unless you let him."
"Let him?! Why would I ever want to let him?!"
"Because sometimes the most you can lose in a deal with the Devil is your soul. Now, I say that, because I've got a deal for you: I show you a tattoo you can get that blocks possession from anything, Eternal or not, and in return, you quit standing there like a fish out of water and help me with this blasted piping. How about it?"
He thought about it. Then thought about it some more. And then kept thinking about it. "…Deal."
"Fantastic. Now will you hand me that hydro-spanner?"
The requested item dropped into my hand, and I slid back under the blocks.
"…. Have you ever heard of Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?"
I smiled. "It rings a bell."
"Do I even want to know what's in this?"
"If it's Mablejuice, you most definitely do not. Speaking of, where is the Shooting Star?"
"Upstairs with Soos and Wendy. They're showing Lorna something they call the 'Wormy Dance.'"
"And you're not recording this why?"
"Because we need to talk."
Bollocks. What did I do?
"…Very well. What do we need to talk about?"
"What happened in Eastenders-land."
"…I thought we did talk about that."
"Not that. The other thing."
"What other thing?"
"The way you threw yourself into danger just because you thought you knew how it was going to turn out. You said yourself, this isn't your world. Things that happen here won't be the same as how they happened back where you're from. And if you were to be wrong, it could cost you your life." She looked down at her feet. "And I'm not sure I could survive that."
"Rose…I'm so sorry…I forgot. I'm just used to not…I haven't had anyone to worry about for a long time. Plus, you know, I am soulless."
"Yeah. But that's still no excuse. You're going to interfere at Hogwarts, a place where things are literally not what they seem. You can't count on foreknowledge to help you."
I sighed. "I know. I've already changed things there a good deal as it is, the first time I was in that world."
"…Witcher…what did you do…"
"I may, or may not, have removed Harry Potter from the horribleness that was the Dursleys and sent him somewhere no one from England could ever find him?"
"…You wot mate."
"It was a spur of the moment thing, if that's any consolation. And I did at least make sure that Horcrux in him was…gone…oh bollocks…"
"Bollocks? What's bollocks?"
"There was a piece of Voldemort's soul that latched on to Harry the night he was vanquished. I used a combination of Enochian runes to have Harry absorb it, so that Voldemort wouldn't have to kill him later."
"And you didn't think that was a bad idea?!"
"Look, I wasn't magical then, and Enochian was the only way I could think of that didn't involve magic. But the thing with Enochian, is to cast a spell in it, you have to burn off a piece of your soul."
"…And you were soulless."
"Exactly. But the runes worked, I know they did. So that begs the question…"
"Did the runes burn off part of Harry's soul to work?"
"Bingo. Forget rush job, this just became same-day delivery."
"…Wait. What do you mean, you weren't magical then?! I saw you pull a sword out of mid-air, twice! How did you get magic?!"
"Ah. Well. Remember when we had to un-detonate Storybrooke, and you had all that built up energy you were containing?"
"Yes…"
"When the diamond deactivated, you may or may not have passed out, and released said energy. And I had no choice but to absorb it."
"But it should have done what it did to me: nothing."
"And it would have. If I hadn't already been containing the bit of energy that was halfway converted from raw magic to artron energy."
"And when that energy hit the already in progress reaction…oh my Lord…"
"Chuck, actually. He goes by Chuck. And believe me, this is exactly the sort of thing He would write."
"I thought Time Lords just naturally had magic where you came from!"
"I'm afraid not."
"You're going to Hogwarts, as a wizard, and I'm not. That's so unfair!"
"Life is never fair, and it is never unfair in your favor. Rule something-or-other. Now, can you toss me that doohickey?"
"What, this?"
"No, that's a thingamabob."
"So sorry I never learned the difference. I did fail hullabaloo, after all."
"If you ask me, you're great at hullabaloo."
"…That had better be a compliment."
"Of course it was."
"I told her not to try Mable-juice."
I rubbed my nose. "I believe you Dipper. But Miss Bucket has never been one to back down from a challenge. That, and she missed the last drinking adventure we had."
"Who's gonna run the shop while she's out of it? It's Wendy's day off, Mable and Rose are out exploring, and Grunkle Stan and Ford are out fishing. And Soos is doing the tours!"
"Well, if you'll help me get Miss Bucket into a more comfortable position, I believe we can manage running the shop."
"We?!"
"Yes. We. Now get a move on."
"…She's heavy."
"Oh, that's just all the ammo."
"The what?!"
"So…are you an alien?"
"Three weeks I've been here, and you're just now asking me that?"
"Well, I mean, you look human, and I didn't know if there were humans outside of this dimension."
"Dipper, from my point of view, humans look like Time Lords."
"Time Lords? What are they?"
"It's what I am. Practically immortal, able to cheat even Death if we are seriously injured, even able to see the entirety of Time and Space whirling around you. Pretty standard stuff for aliens."
"So you are an alien! Wait…are the others…"
"Lorna is a perfectly normal human. Well, from way in the future, but still. And Rose…is fifty percent human, one hundred percent Time Lord."
"That's a hundred and fifty percent."
"She's a hundred and fifty percent of a person."
"…Good point."
I leaned back in my seat. "Funny. I guess that means there's an even number of Time Lords running around again."
"Even number? How many are there?"
"…Last I heard, four, plus Rose and me. So, six."
"…So, does that mean…"
"And that's enough of that. Less personal questions, more minding the shop."
"…If you say so."
"Oh, and there's totally humans from other dimensions right here on Earth."
"There's what?!"
"Dipper, you go to school in Echo Creek, right?"
"Yeah?! What does that have to do with humans from completely different worlds?!"
"Kid, chill. Let me let you in on a little secret…"
"Soooo…that's a lot of paper bags."
"Yeah, and even better, not all of them were Lorna's!"
Rose sighed. "What did you do?"
"Hey, the kid already knew about alternate worlds! I was just telling him about some of the visitors this world has gotten from them!"
"What, like the Cybermen?"
"No, like the magical wand-wielding princess that lives a few blocks from where he goes to school."
"…Is this where I'm supposed to point out how unhelpful that was."
"Nope! Cause I have come to a rather depressing realization: we can't just point the portal directly where we need to go and press the button. It just wasn't built to go to specific worlds; only the places between them."
"Like the doors in Wonderland."
"Exactly. Now, I have an alternate plan; if we can't get to Hogwarts directly, we go to a place between worlds, where someone who can send us there, lives."
"The magical princess?"
"Not exactly. A friend of her friend. One with a predilection for fire and horns. And after the experiences those around here have had with what they call a demon, I needed to provide a little backstory in case of…altercations."
"…You're sneaky, you know that."
"I've been called worse."
Ford's face when he realized just how close he and Bill had come to ripping a hole directly into the Void was priceless.
I planned to sell copies at five bucks apiece.
After a very long time, he managed to swallow. "So…I can assume that will no longer be an issue."
"Oh, yes. Definitely. Ninety percent sure. Well, maybe a bit less. Seventy? Forty-two? Twelve?"
"Not helping Witcher."
"Yes, sorry. But I have managed a way to circumvent the possibility entirely. If we…" I let out a grunt as a hauled a particularly heavy pipe from the portal machine to the TARDIS. "…set it up in a static connection, and then time loop and quantum-lock it once we reach the other side, we should be fine. Ish."
"And will the citizens on the other side of this quantum lock be able and willing to either assist us, or leave us to work in peace?"
"Well, I can't speak for all of them, but I know one at least one very powerful person who would be all too glad to help if it prevented Belgium 2.0."
"…. Tell me, was I ever close to true inter-dimensional travel?"
"With this? No, no, of course not. True inter-dimensional travel is loads easier. Just ask Rick Sanchez."
"Who?"
"Another inter-dimensional criminal. You'd like him, he could probably beat Stan at poker, and you at 3-D chess."
"Mable and Dipper already have those things covered, thank you."
"Wait, really? I knew Mable, but Dipper? Come on man, you're losing your touch."
"And just how quickly did you die when you let Dipper be the Dungeon Master in Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?"
"…Fair point. Little twerp's vicious, I'll give him that."
"Yes. Now, as I understand it, we have a bridge to finish building."
"That we do, Ford. That we do."
"Are you sure about this?"
"Absolutely not. For all I know, the strain on our connection could snap it in half, leaving me insane and you dead. Or worse."
"What could be worse than that?!"
"Stuck in a loop of the same moment forever, or getting sucked into the Void."
"…Yeah, okay, that's worse."
"Now, you know I'd like nothing better than for you to come along, but we're the only living thing I can think of that can technically exist in two places at once. The TARDIS has to have someone left on this end to stabilize the time-lock. And of the two of us, I'm the only one that can hide from the Templars, the Men of Letters, and Torchwood in the magical world."
"I know, I know, I just…really wanted to see Hogwarts."
"I understand. I really do. But if all goes well, I'll just be in and out. Hey, if you like, I can steal Dumbledore's Pensieve and show you my memories of it later."
"…That's an awesome idea, if only for the chance to prank Dumbledore."
"I thought so. Now, can I get a hug?"
"…Fine. You come back; you hear?"
"Don't you know, Rose? Sooner or later, I always come back."
"Are you ready, Witcher?"
"As ready as I'll ever be. I still say it's a bad idea to have you along; if anything goes wrong here, it'll leave everything up to Rose to fix it."
"As I have stated before, I have every confidence in Dipper and your Miss Bucket to handle whatever may arise. And if worse comes to worse, we can always wait thirty years for my brother to rescue us."
"…Was that a joke I just heard?"
"I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."
"Riiiiiiight. Okay. Have everything?"
He swung a rather large backpack up on his shoulder. "Of course. I know what its like to be stuck in a strange place with very little in the way of resources; there won't be any of that this time. I've made sure of it."
"If you say so."
"And you're sure this…Hekapoo...is the foremost expert on dimensional rifts around?"
"I wouldn't say around, but she's definitely one of the best. If anyone can help you close that thing off permanently, my money would be on her."
"And it is."
"True."
"Wait! Yeah! Dork in the trench coat!"
There was only one person I knew who called people dork around here.
"Were you just gonna leave without me giving you a sweater?"
"Of course not, Mabel. Let's see it, shall we?"
"Well, I heard you were going to Hogwarts, and I was like 'Whaaaaat!', and then I was like, 'I need to make him a sweater to blend in!', so…here you go!"
The expected item unfolded in her hands.
"I already made a yellow one for Lorna, and a blue one for Rose, and Grunkle Ford already has a red one, so the inter-dimensional criminal gets the Slytherin green!"
"I would like to once again point out that Ford here is just as much of a criminal as I am."
"Yeah, but he wasn't ever sneaky about it! That's what makes you the Slytherin!"
"…You have a point. Here. Hold my coat while I put it on."
One removed coat, removed plaid shirt, applied turtleneck sweater, and reapplied coat later…
"Oh, hun, it just brings out your eyes! You be stylin in that!"
"Not bad at all, kid. I tell you what; I wear this the whole time I'm at Hogwarts, and in return, how bout you keep this plaid shirt for me while I'm gone."
"Can do, buckaroo!"
"It's my favorite, so you be sure to take good care of it. I expect it to be able to shake it and a cloud of glitter come out when I get back."
"Pinky promise!"
"Fantastic."
I hollered in the direction of the TARDIS. "We ready, Rose?"
"We were born ready!"
"If you please, then."
"Let me know when the quantum-lock is holding, and I'll push the big red button!"
"It's a lever, Rose."
"You know what I meant!"
"Uh-huh. Welp, on with the show."
It wasn't a very tall ladder, but the platform at portal-level was decidedly narrow. Ford and I both had to tread very carefully. Thank Gallifrey it was only two of us.
"I believe it would be best if you went first, Witcher. You're more likely to recognize the terrain and locals."
"…Right then. Let me just…scoot by you…"
I adjusted the Sword of Gryffindor on my back one last time. "I really hope we don't run into buff Marco…not someone I'd care to fight on my best day…"
"Well, now that you've mentioned it, I'm rather inclined to believe it will happen. That is how these things tend to happen."
"You've got a point. Right. Last call. Quantum lock go?"
"Go!"
"Time-lock go?"
"Go!"
"Jammie Dodgers go?"
"Just go!"
"Right-o."
I took a deep breath, then let it out. "Don't be lasagna."
"What?"
"Nothing. Way down we go."
And I stepped through the portal.
