I own nothing. Least of all this.

1:41

"Burnt land. No lifeforms. Rather despondent looking tower. This is the place alright."

"Only someone like you would go looking for a place like this."

"Someone like us, chum. Come on, let's get set up."

"How long before this Hekapoo shows up?"

I set down the tripod I was carrying. "With any luck, not long at all. She's the one in charge of all dimensional travel around here, so she's probably already noticed our portal opening up."

"Let's hope she notices just the portal, and not the specific individuals that came through. We're both still wanted in quite a few places, and exactly the sort of people true law-abiding citizens would like to see gone."

"Yeah, well, Hekapoo may make the laws, but she's no more law-abiding than you or I. Just wait. She'll come."

I pulled out the com unit I'd scraped together using Dipper's calculator. "Testing, testing, up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, start. Come in Mystery Spot, over!"

"…This is Mystery Spot, over. I still don't understand why we couldn't just call it what it is."

"It's ironic. You'd have to get Sam Winchester to explain."

"Who?"

"Never mind. Everything looking good?"

"Everything's holding steady. Now we're just waiting for your signal. Scissor Girl shown up yet?"

"Please don't call her that. And no, but I don't believe it'll be…"

*RIIIIIIIIIIIIIP*

"…long."

Horns, orange dress, white skin, pair of scissors. All check.

"Oh, for crying out loud, NO MORE HUMAN VISITORS! I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE TODAY!"

"Uh, not to nitpick, but not human."

"I DON'T CARE!"

"Time Lord, actually."

"I STILL DON'T…wait, really? I thought you all died when Gallifrey went bye-bye."

"Officially, we did. But Fate had other plans."

"Hmm-HMMM. Pardon me, but we are under a bit of a time crunch here. Stanford Pines, paranormal researcher. And we heard you were the best there is at what you do."

"And what is it you heard I do, handsome?"

"Sealing dimensional rifts. A rather large one has developed over our town, and we were hoping we might be able to come to some arrangement for your assistance."

"Hold up. You have a dimensional rift in your backyard, and your solution was to build a dimensional cannon right next door to it?"

"Of course not. The cannon existed long before the rift. We are slightly smarter than your average apes."

"Oh, right, Time Lord, I forgot. So, you need help closing this thing, and by the looks of it, stabilizing the portal you used to get here. What's in it for me?"

Ford adjusted his glasses. "Seeing as how you are one of the most powerful beings in the multiverse, it would follow that there is not much that you desire that you could not get."

"Got it in one, handsome."

"So, because we were unable to determine what it is you wanted most, much less how to get it…" Ford pulled out a small box. "…we thought it best to give you the ability to acquire whatever you wish."

He opened the box.

"…An infinity-sided die. Cool. Haven't seen one of those in awhile. Okay sweater dudes, you got yourselves part of a deal. There's just one more…tiny…thing you have to do first."

"And what might that be?"

"Why, blow out this flame, of…"

*BANG!*

"…course. Huh. Should have seen that coming."

I holstered the Last Word. "Now, how about that help?"


I stood in front of the portal, doing my best not to blink. Good practice for Weeping Angels, now that I thought about it.

"Say when, professor, and I'll shut the portal."

"You've got it. But first things first." I lifted the comm to my ear. "You ready, Rose?"

"Fire away."

"Start pushing over…now."

And with that, I felt the Bad Wolf rise up from the depths of my mind, until the both of us were staring through my eyes.

"Ow. This really hurts."

"You're telling me. You watching your end?"

"Yes. Both of us."

"Same here. On three, you activate the time lock, and Hekapoo, you shut the portal."

"Whatever you say, Time Dude."

"Right. One…two…THREE!"

Dimensions apart from each other, and yet at exactly the same time, a switch was thrown, and a pair of scissors clipped.

"OWWWWW!"

"…Huh. Whaddya know. Still there."

I rubbed my head. "I would hope so. That was the whole point of using a quantum slash time lock, Hekapoo. It can't be closed, but it can't be disrupted either. Permanent as you can get. Well, until the anchor observer dies. Which isn't gonna happen for a very long time. And since we have you on this end, and Ford on the other, I think it's safe to say we won't be having any more trouble from this direction."

"Yeah, I got that. So, are we taking care of this supposed rift, or not?"

Ford nodded. "Of course. If you would care to follow me…"

I held up a finger. "One second. I hate to ask a favor…"

"Good. I hate granting 'em."

"…So, instead, I would instead like to barter for just a tad more help."

"What could you possibly have to tempt me into helping you any more than I'm gonna?"

I tossed her a notebook.

"…And what is this?"

"Simple. Blackmail. On one Marco Diaz for the last three years of his life, as related by his acquaintance Dipper Pines."

"…Oh, I think we're gonna get along just fine, Time Dude. Count me in. What did you need?"

"A one-way trip to Diagon Alley, if you don't mind."

She pulled out her scissors, and slit open a hole. "Best I can do is just in front of the Leaky Cauldron."

"Fantastic. Thank you."

"Don't thank me yet, Time Dude. You still have to deal with the wizards you're gonna find around there. Going up against wand-wavers without magic? Brave."

I flicked my fingers, and a ball of fire appeared above them. "Who said I was without magic?"

Hekapoo froze (ironically enough). "…I only know one Time Lord who can do that. I take it back, Witcher. You're not brave; you're crazy."

"Oh? Haven't you heard?"

I stepped forward.

"All the best people are. Catch you on the Flip Side. VAMANOS!"

I jumped.


Just like the movies. Why am I not surprised?

It was relatively early in the morning, so I was thankful for that at least. Less people to notice someone making their way into the alley without using a wand. It would have made for awkward questions. Tom, I knew to be something of a blabber, so I suspected the news would still get out someone could apparently stroll in using wandless magic. I planned to be long gone by the time that happened.

Right, first things first. But not necessarily in that order.

I knew for sure there were three things I was gonna have to do while I was here. One, find a way to retrieve Hufflepuff's Cup. Two, acquire every book I could on runes, arithmancy, and curse breaking. And three, get a wand to use for said delicate runes and curses that probably didn't respond well to massive bursts of magic. But as to which to do first, I was at a loss.

A loss…

No. A win.

I had completely forgot. All those nice little bank accounts the Templars had had before I got here had been deleted. But the money in them hadn't. For Gallifrey's sake, I had used some of it to buy plane tickets and take care of Miss Figg, excuse me, Calvers.

Looks like I was going to make a long-term deposit with a certain bunch of goblins. I needed galleons, for both the books and the wand, and everyone knows the best way to break into a bank is to be let in as a depositor. Even if they seized my vault once I was out and away, so what? It was just money. I would get something far more precious.

I began to walk down the Alley in the direction of Gringotts's, my visor humming as I did so. Masks weren't exactly looked on with the fondest memories here, so I got some rather pointed stares as I made my way forwards. I didn't care; I had bigger fish to fry. The money was all there, and what's better, it had been accumulating interest for…three years?!

I double-checked the date.

July 31st. The day Harry Potter saw the magical world for the first time.

Fate couldn't be more obvious if She labeled the whole thing in red sharpie.

Gringotts's was definitely my first point of call now. If I was lucky, extremely lucky, I could even nick the Philosopher's Stone from Hagrid while checking Harry over discreetly.

I finished transferring twenty percent of my funds to gold-based just in time. The doors of Gringotts rose in front of me.

"Funny. I've known a few people that would have taken that poem as a challenge. Now here I am, the first to follow through. Vamanos, I suppose."

Still no departure from the movies. Goblins everywhere, with plenty more people to take up the remaining space. I bobbed and weaved my way through the crowd until I found the specific goblin I was looking for.

"Greetings, Teller Griphook. May the blood of your enemies stain your blade."

I don't think I've ever seen anyone that surprised, much less a goblin.

"…. And may the gold in your vault never cease growing, human. What is your business with Gringotts today?"

"I wish to open an account. I have a rather large amount of gold that needs transferal."

"Very well. You understand of course, human, that such an action shall require the small price of ten percent of all transferred funds."

"Ten? No, no, no, I was thinking more along the lines of…five percent."

"Nine."

"Six."

"Eight."

"Seven."

He pretended to consider it. "…Very well. I suppose we could…settle…for seven."

He grinned. "If you will follow me, human, we shall acquire your key and blood for your vault."

"And then my gold, don't forget."

"Of course. Your gold. This way."

A room obviously built for intimidation. Easy enough to do when you're a goblin, and the fact that the client's chair was a good deal lower than the manager's certainly didn't harm matters.

"Teller Griphook for Account Manager Ripclaw. Account opening. Negotiated price of seven percent."

Ripclaw (presumably) barely looked up from the mounds of paper in front of him. "Tell Bloodshank he is needed for the transferal. That will be all."

"Yes, sir."

Griphook left the way we had come, leaving me alone in the heart of goblin territory. Fantastic.

"Sit, human. Time is money, after all."

"So they say. From my non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint, it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly…timey-wimey…stuff."

"Started out well, that sentence. I shan't say it again, human; sit."

I sat.

"This is the standard account-opening form. I have filled in the seven percent as negotiated by Teller Griphook, now all you need to fill out is the numbers of the accounts you wish to transfer to us."

I took the offered quill and did so (after double-checking the form of course. Never trust a goblin).

"…Good. Now, for your key, we shall require a drop of blood to bind it to your magic."

*THUNK*

"Please use this knife and bowl for the acquisition. When the drops hit the bowl, the paper underneath shall fill in with all the required details. Before you make the cut, due to…" here he sneered, "…wizarding regulations, you are required to state aloud the following: I consent and freely give my blood on this one occasion for the sole purpose of identification."

"I consent and freely give my blood on this one occasion for the sole purpose of identification."

"Good. Cut."

*Plunk* *Plunk* *Plunk*

Three drops were more than enough. I closed my hand in a fist to stop the bleeding, and placed the knife back in the bowl. Within a few seconds, it began to glow, and the blood in the bottom disappeared. Then, gradually, writing began to appear on the paper beneath.

Prince Hadrian Hamish Howlfang

Lord by Foundation of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Howlfang

Lord by Marriage of the Most Ancient House of Ravenclaw

Lord by Conquest of Most Ancient House of Slytherin

Lord by Blood of Time

Heir Apparent by Blood of the Gentle Queen

Heir Secondary by Magic of King and Queen Charming

Heir Secondary by Magic of Queen Regina

Heir Secondary by Magic of Rumpelstiltskin

Knight by Conquest of Northumberland

Friend of Goblins

Rider of Centaurs

The Unbroken

The Blade Dancer

The White Wolf

The Witcher

Ripclaw looked down at the paper, and then back up to me.

"Welcome, Prince Howlfang. We've been expecting you."

He smiled a smile with far too many teeth in it.

"You're late."