A/N: So um...yeah. I'm sorry.

[November 2014]

It was late when Roy got the text. He was finishing up some cases files, having sent Connor and Mia home with Jade so they could sleep. Jade had protested being sent home like a teenager but had relented when Roy pointed out the alternative was to watch him write reports. 'I need to do maintenance on the trick arrows, too,' he thought as he typed out the drug bust he and Connor had helped Detective Rodgerson with. 'And work on some new designs. Once we have Mia on the streets with us, I'll be able to put some more…diverse and complicated trick arrows to work. I'll need to train Mia and Connor to use them properly, but once they have it, they'll be working as a team no problem.' Half his attention was on the report and half was on his trick arrow designs when his phone went off. At first, he ignored it, thinking it was one of the kids asking where he was. A few minutes later it went off again, so he checked it. His stomach simultaneously dropped and fluttered.

It was Kaldur.

There was a long moment, so long it made his stomach curl in guilt, where Roy hesitated. He hadn't heard from Kaldur at all since their conversation about his father being Black Manta. Even if the aftermath of Tula's death two months before, his boyfriend never came to see him and never reached out for comfort. He'd even been absent at the small memorial the Team had held for their fallen friend. Dick had been there and, surprisingly, had been texting Roy once every couple of weeks to say hello. Whatever had caused the change in his brother, Roy didn't know, but with Bruce still as distant as ever, it was a welcome change. But even the slow rebuilding of his relationship with Dick couldn't completely heal the emotional wounds Roy felt over Kaldurs' silence.

It was bad enough when Roy's birthday had passed without so much as a message from Kaldur before Tula's death, but the worst had been their anniversary on Halloween. Mia had convinced Connor and Roy to stay home so they could watch movies together. While his small family and Jade had been enjoying themselves, Roy spent the whole night glancing at his phone, comm in one ear, waiting for his boyfriend to contact him.

But he didn't.

Now past Thanksgiving, Roy had settled into a kind of reluctant trance, believing that wherever he was, whatever he was doing, Kaldur would come back to him eventually. And here he was, texting Roy every minute to get his attention like he had so frequently in the first year they dated.

Roy took a deep breath and looked at the texts.

Kaldur: Roy, I need to see you. Come to the pier where we fought Manta.

Kaldur: This is important, I really need to talk to you

Kaldur: Roy, please.

Thankful he was still in his suit, Roy stood almost without thinking and put his mask on. He made sure his comm was in and working so one of the kids could connect him if needed. All his weapons stayed behind. It was juts Kaldur after all, it wasn't like he'd need them. Just before he got on his bike, he sent a reply text, then got on and drove out of the Cave.

Roy: I'm on my way

— —

The pier was silent and deserted when Roy arrived. He got off cautiously and instinctually did a visual sweep of the area. There appeared to be no immediate threats. So, he walked to the pier. When he got there, Kaldur was there, stating at the far end. His back was to Roy as he stared out at the water, hands folded behind himself. Despite the juxtaposing emotions swirling inside him, Roy almost smiled as he walked closer.

"Kaldur," he said when he was a could feet away.

Kaldur turned, but he didn't smile. His face was impassive, set. Like he was on a mission and had to keep his focus on it. Even his body language remained rigid and almost informal; a far cry from how relaxed he usually was when they were together. "Roy," he said greeting, his voice tight with an unidentifiable emotion.

"What's up? I haven't seen you in forever and I haven't heard from you… Is everything ok, because after Tula and-" Roy reached out for him, but Kaldur flinched at the mention of Tula's name and stepped back. "Kal, what's going on?"

"This- This is not easy for me to say."

"What isn't? Are you retiring? Because if you are, I completely understand, Kal and I still love-"

"Shut up."

Roy stopped cold, his hand half stretched toward his boyfriend. "W- What? Kal-"

"I said shut up!" Kaldur put his hands on his face for a moment, like he needed to center himself. When he dropped them, his expression had gone from impassive to cold and calculating. He put his hands behind his back again and Roy resisted the urge to cower under his gaze. "Roy… It's over."

"W-What do you mean? What's over?" A familiar anxiety began creeping up Roy's brain. He could feel the hesitation behind the question words, his muscles slowly tensing with every word spoken.

"We are."

Cold denial washed over Roy in an instant and he shook his head. "We- What do you mean we are?"

Kaldur scowled at him, making Roy take an unconscious, half-step back. "Do I really need to spell it out for you?"

"No…" Roy's head shook as tremors began rocking his hands. "No, Kal. Why- Did I do something wrong, because if I did, I'm sorry-"

"You have done nothing. It- It is not you. Not really."

"Then what is it then?!"

"…I have decided to join my father."

Shock rose Roy in his spot and pulled his mouth open a little. He stared at Kaldur for a long moment without saying anything. Somehow, he didn't think Kaldur was talking about Calvin Durham. "You-You're joining…Black Manta."

"Yes."

It was like having the wind knocked out of him and suddenly some of his shock was replaced with anger. Roy's hands balled into trembling fists. "Why?! Why would you join him- He's a murder, a terrorist! You've said so yourself! He's threatened your life, your friends, Aquaman-"

"The king is why I am doing this!" Kaldur's voice was venomous with anger. "What has he done for me in the end except lie and let my friend die?! Where are the heroes when I need them?! Where has all my loyalty gotten me?! Nothing but betrayal and grief. It is a hard lesson Roy, but I have learned in the end, the only one I can trust is myself."

"You can trust me, Kal! I'm here, I'll help you, but please, please, don't do this!"

"I have already made up my mind. Do not try to stop me."

"No! I won't let you go through with this! You're a hero! A kind and generous person, one of the best I know! I've seen where this path you're creating leads, Kal, and its' nowhere good. I won't let you become a monster because I love you!"

"Then that is a shame because I do not love you."

Roy stumbled back like he'd been hit. "No, you- You don't mean that."

"When have you ever known me to be insincere?"

"You- You can't mean it! You don't just go away for two months and stop loving someone you've loved for 4 years!"

"How do you know?"

"Because- Because-" Because he didn't want it to be true. With every fiber of his being, Roy didn't want to imagine life without Kaldur there. He didn't want to imagine a world where they were on opposite sides. It was so unbearable to think about. "Kaldur… Kal…please…"

"You are making this harder than it has to be. I have said my piece. I do not love you, Roy. Go home and forget about me. Forget it all, as will I."

Roy shook his head, desperation leaking into his movements and voice. "No, No, I won't! I- I can't."

"Roy! Stop, please!" For a second, it sounded like there was a note in desperation in Kaldur's voice, but his face remind so cold and angry Roy was convinced he'd imagined it.

"No! I'm not just standing by and letting this happen! You know I love you, Kal! Just let me help… Please…" Roy reached out to put his hand on Kaldur, but Kal grabbed his wrist. Dread clutched Roy's chest at how tight the grip was. "K-Kal-"

"I said…stop." Without warning, Kaldur used his superhuman strength to twist Roy's arm behind his back. Roy gritted his teeth as pain shot down the twisted limb and his heart began hammering against his ribs. His breath started coming in short gasps as Kaldur twisted his arm ever more up his back. Terror flooded Roy's brain and he clung to clarity by his fingertips. Before he could demand Kaldur let him go (or meekly beg to be released as his brain favored currently) pain zapped through his entire body. Roy yelled in pain as electricity assaulted his whole body, making his muscles seize. It felt like it lasted forever, but when it finally ended, there were a few seconds when his muscles were stunned from the electrical charge. Before Roy could think, he was in the water. It engulfed and choked him, sending panic coursing through his veins.

When his muscles could move, Roy didn't hesitate. He swam to the surface and gulped mouthfuls of air. Heart pounding and breathing erratic, Roy could barely think. Everything was becoming too much, but he resisted. He couldn't lose it here in the harbor. So, Roy forced himself to swim against the water and the stillness of his limbs. He made it back to the pier and managed to pull himself up with great difficulty. When he was out of the water, he flopped onto his back, panting and out of breath. He took a couple of deep breaths and pushed himself into a sitting position so he could look around.

Kaldur was gone.

That didn't really bother Roy though if anything he was relieved. Quivering from head to toe, he thew himself to his feet and ran from the pier. It was thankfully still empty, it would've been embarrassing for anyone to see a vigilante soaking wet and shaking like a half-drowned kitten. He made it to his bike and got on, trying to keep his hands steady. It probably wasn't going to happen, so he clenched the handlebars with everything he had to keep them from shaking and went straight back to the Arrow Cave.

— —

As soon as Roy got back to his cave, he nearly jumped off his bike. His hands shook so much that pulling off his mask was an incredibly difficult task. Once he had it off though, like a switch being flipped, he lost it.

Panic consumed his mind and he dropped to knees hyperventilating. The feeling of hands grabbing his wrists tightened around him, amplifying the pain in his right arm. His breathing got so erratic that he felt like he was suffocating. The cold floor was suddenly pressed against his face and Roy's was…distantly aware it was because his arms had given out. He didn't care though. The panic kept him frozen on the floor as he shook and hyperventilated, trying to forget the hands the gripped his wrists. His chest hurt so bad and it was impossible to tell if it was from how hard his heart was pumping, or the lack of oxygen.

Somewhere in the back of Roy's mind, he knew he needed to use a ground technique. Except his brain was in full-on panic mode, so he couldn't remember any. The only thing he could think about was the hands forcefully gripping his wrists and the terror that filled his every cell. All Roy could do was wait until the panic attack eventually ended. The terror slowly filtered out and Roy was able to gain some control over his breathing. He took very slow, deep breaths, forcing air in and out of his lungs for…he didn't know how long. Long enough that he eventually got his heart rate under control and he could sit up.

Roy pulled his knees to his chest and clutched his pants as tightly as he could. 'It's ok… It's ok…. It's ok…' He took another deep breath. "My name is Roy Harper. Today is…. November 25. I'm in the- the Arrow Cave. I'm s-safe because I'm alone. My- My name is Roy Harper…" He kept doing this until the last of his panic faded away and he could breathe easily. The tremors were still present, but small enough that it wasn't really a bother. The terror was gone, but it had been replaced with numbness. Roy felt disconnected from his surroundings. He rocked back and forth until the jitteriness under his skin settled down.

"A-Assess," he whispered. "I- I need to asses." What happened? "K-Kal- He- He grabbed-" Roy had to stop to take deep breaths for a minute because his heart started pounding again. "He hurt me and…broke up with me…" Just saying the words sent a pang of hurt through his chest. He shook his head and swallowed. "Kal's…he's going to be a villain. He'll fight against us… He'll kill people…" The words felt unreal on his tongue. He didn't want them tone true. He wanted this to be a bad dream he could wake-up from. "Kal… Kal is gone. He triggered me and left me." A shiver went through his whole body. Part of him wanted to deny it; that Kaldur would never purposefully trigger his PTSD like that. But then again, Kal as one of the few people who understood his mental illness inside and out. He knew what could trigger a panic attack for Roy and he'd done a couple of those things in a row. After breaking up with Roy and choosing a path of darkness. It made Roy sick to his stomach and tears sprang to his eyes.

Roy started to wipe them away but quickly gave up. It was just too much energy and he felt hollowed out. It was nothing and too much all at the same time. Something in him felt like he should tell someone what had just transpired. Dick. Bruce. The League. But he couldn't find it in him to move. So he curled up even more and sobbed into his knees. Only when the dampness of his suit started to become too uncomfortable did he move. Roy changed out of his suit and left it to dry, hoping it'd be done by the time he went on patrol again. Still feeling hollowed and numb, he slowly made his way up the stairs.

Due to his numbness, Roy didn't have any memory of walking back to his building. Or into the apartment. Next thing he knew he was in his bedroom, staring at his bed. His mind replayed the last time Kaldur stayed over, back in August, and tears formed in his eyes again. Sniffing, Roy got undressed but didn't have the energy for pajamas, so he got under the covers in his underwear. It was just after 3 am, so he couldn't see anything in the darkened room. But the fact that a few feet from him, his bookcase with shots of him and Kaldur were in the dark, taunting him. Roy rolled over and hugged a pillow to his body. He buried his face in the pillow, desperately wishing the smell of salt-water and seaweed might have lingered in the fabric. Sleep eluded Roy as he cried into his pillows until he passed out from exhaustion.

Sleep wasn't much of a reprieve though, because, for the first time in possibly years when Roy closed his eyes, he found himself trapped in a night terror.