A/N: Hey guys! I hope you're all well. I've been writing, working on a new story and trying to finish this one. (I've got plenty of time to work on them.) Anyways, Roy's in need of help. Read on and see. Leave a review to let me know what you think!
When Roy walked into the living room, he found Connor and Mia there; the former reading a book and the latter watching tv. He cleared his throat to get their attention, but it didn't seem to work. "I'm leaving for a few hours. Don't…burn the house down while I'm gone, ok?"
"Uh-huh," Mia answered, not even looking at Roy.
"Connor?"
"Ok.." Connor replied quietly, also not looking at Roy.
'They're still upset with me. Cool.' Roy left. When he got outside, he pulled his jacket tighter around his body against the cold wind. 'It'll be ok. As long as I can figure out a way to talk to Dinah without telling her about the kids.' It wasn't that he didn't trust Dinah, she was one of the people he trusted the most, but he wanted to keep Connor and Mia safe. No amount of therapist-patient confidentiality could convince Roy that telling Dinah was a good idea. Connor was still the son of a man who'd been a villain to the Justice League for several years. With the teen still obviously uncomfortable with his biological relation to Oliver, Roy didn't want to subject him to a bunch of adults who might do nothing but bring it up. Plus, he didn't want to give anyone the impression he was incapable of training his kids. There was also the voice in his head.
It whispered about how Roy would lose his kids if he couldn't pull his act together. That he would fail them if he couldn't figure out how to get through this.
'I can do it,' he thought as he walked to Star City's zeta. 'I can do it. There's…nothing to it.'
— —
When he got to Seattle, Roy had to double-check his phone to make sure he had ht right directions. As he walked, he tried to look around the neighborhood. 'So this is the place she escaped to when she got away from Oliver,' he thought. 'Nice.' It was a little comforting to think that she'd had a place as nice as this to use as a way to get away from Oliver. It was also a little weird because despite being so close to Dinah, he'd never actually been to Seattle where she lived. 'It was probably too close to Star City for me to consider visiting before.' And when he was in Star, his desire for independence had caused him to pull away from his allies a little bit. 'And then…everything went to hell…' Then it got better and went to hell again.
Dinah's building was unremarkable when compared to the ones around it. Five floors, brick, slightly rusty fire escape. It was unremarkable, but Roy could understand the desire to not to stand out in order to preserve your secret identity. Roy pushed the little button next to Dinah's name, then a second later the front door unlocked. When he reached her apartment, he hesitated for a second, then knocked quickly. He'd just retracted his hand when the door opened.
"Hi, stranger," Dinah smiled. "Find your way ok?"
"Yeah," Roy replied quietly.
"Good. Come in. Can I get you anything to drink?"
"No. Thanks."
"You sure you don't want some water?"
"…Sure. Water is fine." Roy looked around as Dinah went into the kitchen. Her living room was cozy and imposing all at the same time. It had all the regular furnishings, along with old weapons mounted on the walls in various places. There were a lot of plants everywhere, with a vine-looking one in the corner that climbed the wall and had spread across the ceiling, and every window sill was covered in bright, flowery plants. It was…not what he was expecting, but somehow incredibly indicative of Dinah all at the same time.
"Here you go."
Roy turned around and accepted the water, his hand shaking just a little. "Thanks."
"Are you ok, Roy? You seem nervous."
"I'm not!" He almost winced at how that sounded. "I-"
"Why don't we sit?" Dinah sat on one end of the couch and Roy sat on the other. She watched as she played with the water bottle for a few seconds, staring at the clear liquid inside as it moved inside the bottle. "What's going on, Roy? You sounded shaken up on the phone and you seem…thinner than I last saw you." Granted that had been over a year ago, but being an archer and a vigilante, Roy usually had a very solid build. "I'm guessing by the shadows under your eyes you're not sleeping, either."
Roy gave her a small, sad smile. "Sometimes I think I should be concerned about how well you know me."
"I think it's a good thing, considering the nature of our relationship." When Roy didn't say anything for a few seconds, she pressed on. "The same rules we've always had, Roy. Everything stays between us."
After taking a few deep breaths, Roy nodded. "I've just… I've been struggling since- since Kaldur."
Dinah pursed her lips. "I'll admit I was afraid he had something to do with this. I've been wanting to talk to you about it."
"So…everyone knows that he…?"
"Yes. Nightwing has taken over leading the Team permanently and Aquaman is…he's adjusting."
"Dick's leading the Team now? That's…good." While the whole situation was depressing for Roy, he was glad for his younger brother; who'd finally gotten what he'd wanted since he was 13.
"Have you talked to Dick?"
"Not in the last few weeks. Before Kal- Before everything happened we were texting back and forth once every couple weeks.
"What about Bruce?"
"I haven't talked to Bruce since Jason…"
Dinah gave him a look of sympathy. 'I'm sure being cut off from his loved ones isn't making whatever's going on with him easier.' And while she had her own theories about what was going on, she needed to be sure. "Why don't you tell me how you've been feeling?"
There were a few seconds where Roy didn't say anything, then he sighed quietly. "I've been… Ever since that night I've been really anxious. Just…so anxious. I can't stand anyone touching me. If someone grabs me I have a panic attack and I'm starting to have them a few times a week. I can't sleep. The nightmares are back and I can't get more than three hours of sleep a night." He kept playing with the water bottle, using the squeezing feeling and crinkling sounds of the plastic to keep himself focused. "Everything is just so…overwhelming. I just don't know, anymore…"
"What do you think triggered this?" When Roy flinched, Dinah frowned.
"I'm here to help you, Roy."
"I know. I know." Roy sighed and kept playing with the water bottle.
"When Kal… He broke up with me when he went to- to Black Manta. When he did…he grabbed my wrist and twisted my arm behind my back." Roy's heart started pounding against his ribs and his breathing got faster, making it difficult to hear his own voice. He squeezed the water bottle tighter. "He- He did that and shocked me. Just…electrocuted me so I was stunned then threw me into the water…" A shiver went down his spine and several of his muscles seized like he was being shocked. A small popping sound made him jump and he looked around. The lack of resistance when he squeezed the water bottle made him glance down and cold dread gripped his stomach. He'd squeezed the water bottle so hard, the cover popped off and water had spilled across the carpet. "Oh no…"
"It's ok," Dinah reassured him gently. She stood and made sure to walk around the puddle in a way that didn't put her in close proximity to Roy. Careful to stay calm, she retrieved a towel, then returned to Roy, who looked like he wanted to pass out. "Roy, I need you to breathe."
"I- I'm sorry-"
"I know. It was an accident. It's ok." Dinah simply put the towel on the floor and stepped on it a few times, then left it to absorb the water on its own. "The carpet could use a cleaning anyway." When she returned to her seat, she noticed Roy was staring at the towel. "Roy. Roy." When his head snapped toward her she tried not to look as sad as she felt at the fear in his eyes. "It's ok, Roy. Breathe. Inhale and I'll count. One, two, three, four, five, six seven, eight. Hold it. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Exhale, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. They did this for close to ten minutes before Roy seemed to visibly relax. "Are you ok?"
"Yeah… Yeah…" Roy wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans, chewing on his bottom lip.
"What's on your mind?"
"…It's been a long time since I've had a bad reaction to making a mistake like that."
"I know. It seems like you're experiencing a relapse in your PTSD symptoms."
"I think so…" Roy sighed and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. "I'm so tired, Dinah…"
"Tired as in physically, or as in emotionally?"
"…Yes?" When Dinah snorted, a smile pulled at the corners of Roy's mouth. "I'm tired because I can't sleep, and I'm tired because it's all getting hard again. I can't go out in large crowds, because I keep thinking someone might attack me. The night terrors are back several days a week. It's all getting bad again and I don't know what to do!"
"Do you?"
"…Do I what?"
"Do you really not know what to do?"
"Well- I mean- I know all that grounding techniques. And usually, I can use them but lately, the panic attacks have gotten so intense that it's hard to think."
"So the panic attacks specifically feel overwhelming and out of your control?"
"Yeah."
"So let's talk about something that's in your control. The nightmares. Have you thought about starting the Prazosin again?"
"I have actually. I called our…physician and she said she can help me get some."
"That's good. I'm proud of you. It's a big step for you to seek out the proper medication yourself, especially since you're so vocal about how much you hate the side-effects."
"Well… I have a lot of…responsibilities that need my attention and I can't really do that if I'm not sleeping. Plus I miss sleeping through the night."
"Do you know what it shows me?"
"I'm a mess?"
"It shows me that even with things that are overwhelming and outside your control, you have the ability to tackle them in small, manageable pieces."
"Yeah, but- Nightmares and panic attacks are different."
"True, but you're smart. I'm sure you can think of ways to deal with the panic attacks."
Roy was quiet for a minute as he thought about it. "…I could take up meditating on a daily basis. If I do it multiple times a day, it could lower my overall anxiety levels so the panic attacks may not be as bad."
"That's a good idea. Anything else?"
"Uh… I could use my ground techniques with my anxiety before it becomes full-blown panic."
"And the practice…"
"Will help me be better at grounding myself during a panic attack." Roy smiled in an amused way. "You make it all seem so easy."
"I'm not doing anything, Roy. You have all the tools you need to handle this; it's why I was comfortable stopping our weekly meetings. But sometimes we all need a little help remembering what we're capable of."
"…Why do you have so much faith in me? I- I don't think anyone's ever believed in my ability to manage my PTSD on my own like this."
"It's my job. Remember what the goal of therapy was?"
"For me to live a full and healthy life."
"Exactly. And I fully believe you can do it." She didn't get a response and Roy simply looked down at his lap. "Is there something else on your mind?"
"…Kind of." Even if Dinah was helping him find ways to manage his PTSD, the difficulties he was having with Connor and Mia were still at the forefront of his mind. When Dinah didn't say anything, he knew she was waiting for him to say something. "It's just… So, I've been working with some kids." Even a half-truth might get him some much-needed aid. "And I've been…struggling."
"Struggling how? You've always gotten along with your siblings."
"I know but this…this is different. One of the kids…his dad is a…murderer and it…weighs on this kid's psyche even though he hasn't done anything wrong. And I don't know how to help him?"
"Don't you?" When Roy gave her a confused look, Dinah returned it with a meaningful one. "I think you know a thing or two about having a relationship with a person who has done terrible things and unfairly placed blame on yourself."
"But it's different. He's related to this guy, but he never met him."
"And you had a close relationship with a person you weren't related to. I know it seems like a big difference but if you really think about it, I think you can find enough similarities to help this boy."
"If he would talk to me, maybe." When Dinah gave him a curious look, Roy sighed. "I snapped at him last week. He keeps asking me questions about my past and everything that happened and…"
"Snapping at someone is a mistake you can recover from, Roy. You just need to find a way to apologize and make it up to this boy. As for asking about your trauma…it's entirely up to you if you want to talk about what happened. If you don't want to, then you just need to tell him that. Explain that you're not comfortable discussing it and if you're close like I suspect you are then he'll understand."
"It's not that I'm not comfortable discussing it, I just don't know how hearing about what happened to me will help him."
"You never know. It just might."
Roy was quiet for a minute as he digested this. "There's also this…girl I work with. She's…a good kid, but she's been through some stuff. I know, you know, from experience, that going to therapy will help her, but she doesn't want to go. When she does, she just sits there and doesn't participate. How do I make her see how beneficial it'll be for her?"
Dinah gave him a very amused look. "While I commend you for how much you clearly care about this girl and how much you want to help her, you can't make her do anything. Therapy will be its most effective when the person wants help. You of all people should know that. How often did you have to do homework at the beginning of the therapy?"
"…Quite a bit. But, I know it'll help her-"
"And when she wants help, she'll know where she can go, which might be the best thing you can do. Therapy worked so well for you because you were ready for it. And if I remember correctly, Bruce had a difficult time even getting you to admit that what you went through with Oliver was in fact abuse and that it was wrong. I seem to remember him mentioning you wanted to go back to Oliver for several months."
"Well…yeah…"
"It's a natural part of overcoming trauma, Roy, especially if she's been through abuse like you did. She'll come around eventually and until then, all you can do is be there for her, ready to help when she does decide she's ready."
"It's not easy…"
Dinah gave him another smile. "Believe me, I know. But it seems like you really care about these kids, so just remember that what was good for you might not be good for them. Every person is different. And if you're really this unsure, then you can always ask Bruce. He does have a lot of experience with this kind of thing."
"…I don't want to. I know it seems juvenile, but I don't want to be the person who reaches out first. I'm not the one who cut off contact."
"It's not juvenile. I can't say I'm impressed with how Bruce handled everything. As much as I understand he was devoted by Jason's death, I'm assuming you were just as upset."
"Of course I was! Jay- He was my brother. I was shattered and they just…shut me out. Left me alone to deal with everything by myself-" Roy stopped for a moment and took a deep breath so he could take a deep breath and swallowed his budding anger. "I want to talk to Bruce, but I don't want to be the person who has to bridge the gap he created."
"That's perfectly fine. But I feel compelled to mention that he always mentions how good you are at being a vigilante. Mostly to critique other members of the League, but I think the sentiment is the same."
"…I wish he could tell me that." Roy quickly wiped the wetness from his eyes. "So, I just need to be patient?"
"And remember that the kids are different from you. Meet them where they're at and I promise it'll be easier."
"Ok…" Roy sighed, then nodded. "Thanks."
"You're welcome. I'm glad I could help. Anything else you need help with?"
"…No. I- I think I can handle it for now. Thank you, Dinah. It's nice to talk to you again. It's so…familiar and I could really use something familiar right now."
"I'm sure. If you feel like you need it, we can start meeting once a week again for a few months."
'I don't know if I should be leaving Connor and Mia that much. But…they can probably handle themselves for one hour a week. And I need to get a handle on things in order to take care of them.' Roy nodded. "That'd be great. Thanks."
"Does this date and time work?"
"It does. Thanks."
"I'm happy to help until you get a handle on everything."
"Yeah…" Roy glanced at the time and sighed. "I should probably go. I have a lot of stuff to take care of in Star."
"You should get going then. Try to work on sleeping more and meditating. We'll touch base again next week."
"Ok." Roy stood and gave Dinah a small smile. "Thank you again, Dinah. I really appreciate it."
"I'm always here to help, Roy. Remember that."
"I will." Roy felt a little lighter as he left. Not significantly lighter, since this one meeting was no guarantee he'd be able to sleep more and regain control of his panic attacks, but he now had slightly more confidence and a plan to tackle everything. 'And I have a better idea on how to deal with Connor and Mia,' he thought as he walked down the street. 'I need to be patient and…potentially share my trauma with Connor. Maybe I don't understand how it'll help, but it shouldn't matter. Whether I understand or not, if it helps him I should do it. It's not like it makes me severely uncomfortable to talk about it.' Barring the instinctual reactions he suffered when thinking about certain events, talking about what happened wasn't too difficult. 'I can do it. Dinah believes in me. She's never been wrong before, so if she thinks I can do it, then I will. I can do this. I have to.'
