Woooooowwww, this chapter was a bitch to write. I'm so sorry it took so long, but I had lots of crises during the writing of this, and was tempted to scrap it completely. But I didn't have the heart to do that, so I just... put it off? I finally buckled down and spent this month writing it, and I'm relatively happy with it!
Things should be easier for me going forward. I am determined to do the home stretch, which is new for me, because I've never actually finished a long story before! There should be a few chapters left, and those should take less time than this one did.
Thank you to everyone who's still invested in this story. It was literally going back and reading through all your sweet and supportive comments that gave me the motivation to just sit down and write. I hope you'll like this chapter too!
Enjoy!
...
Alia tried her best to look serious. This was made difficult when Edward had his arms wrapped snugly around her. "A few more days!"
Her serious stance didn't seem to do anything extra to convince him, judging from the way he let out a chuckle against her hair. "You don't have to rush, you know."
"Yeah, I know." she whined. She was going to present a logical argument for why it would be a good idea when all thoughts in her head vanished and she felt the thirst acutely sting her throat. "Fuck…" And now all she could think of was that desire for blood. She didn't even want to try testing her tolerance anymore. Every part of her was justifying her selfishness, no matter how she tried to combat it. "Ugh. Okay, I guess not this time."
"You're doing amazing, you know." Edward murmured.
As if you'd say anything else, you sap.
"I'm serious," he added sternly, pressing his cheek against the top of her head. "It's only been six months. It takes newborns years— sometimes decades— before they can get their thirst under control."
"I know—" Alia dragged the word out. He'd told her before. Her new family had also praised her for every step of her progress. And sure, it wasn't as bad as it was in the beginning. She no longer fell into frenzies prompted by thirst like she'd done in the first few months. While she liked to think she had overpowered her base instincts, she couldn't help but worry that it was only because her family was so careful to make sure she hunted every week. That it was having a schedule that subdued her subconsciously.
The frequent hunting was working to keep her sane, even in the midst of the hunt. Alia was at a point when she didn't even sprint at her prey unthinkingly. Instead, she powerwalked. She could keep a clear head the whole time, and even appreciate how different each animal tasted. So far, she liked wolves the best. This was a controversial choice for some reason. Edward insisted that mountain lions were superior, and Emmett insisted that bears were the most exciting to hunt, but Alia had yet to try either. At the moment, she liked wolves.
Well, if she wasn't going to try drawing out her schedule this time, then she vowed to instead focus on being cleaner with her hunt. She still had no idea how to stop blood from getting all over her clothes.
"The trick is drinking slowly." Edward instructed as they ran through the forest. But Alia didn't register his words as she became focused on the sound of a doe's heartbeat.
Alia didn't succeed in walking away with a spotless shirt that hunt. But she earnestly promised a laughing Edward that she would succeed next time.
That didn't happen either.
The hunt was going well at first. Rosalie was the one taking her out this time. They were having an animated discussion about one of the reality TV shows Rosalie liked (that Alia had joined in on watching). Their words trailed off as they sensed a small herd of deer.
Alia focused on watching Rosalie intently, observing how she crouched forward and glided towards the prey effortlessly. But when Alia moved to imitate her, the wind shifted.
Oh… was all Alia thought before she was rushing towards the new scent the wind brought to her, nothing else in mind other than devouring it. Later, she would remember Rosalie's surprised gasp and attempt to restrain her, but at that moment, all that existed was her and her prey.
The creature looked up in surprise when Alia stopped in front of it. It blinked in surprise, at how she had appeared out of nowhere, as if (if only) she were a daydream. But before it could open its mouth, Alia leapt with a feral growl.
And the taste of blood— real blood— made her eyes roll back in pleasure. Even as the broken body in her arms (for she had snapped it in half in her eagerness) cooled, the blood still flowed hot. But blood was not the right word. No. This was divine: food for the gods. This was ambrosia.
Alia was furious when her feast was interrupted, as someone crouched beside her and reached out a hand. She snarled around the puncture she was drinking from, which made that sweet blood drip down her chin. The rival held up their hands in surrender and stayed in place. Good… Alia thought as she resumed her hurried drinking.
When the blood ran dry, Alia felt a deep-seated satisfaction, the kind she had never felt from any of her previous hunts. Instead of walking away still feeling half starved, Alia felt full for the first time in her immortal life. There was no dryness to her throat; she could feel strength and vitality coursing through her veins. How incredible! Why hadn't she done this before?
Alia looked down at the animal in her arms. She blinked. But the image didn't change.
Her mind returned to her in that instant, and she could only stare at the dead body, even as Rosalie began muttering to her quietly. Reassuringly. How odd. She had never heard Rosalie speak so softly before. "It's okay. Let him go, Alia. Come on."
Him…? Alia suddenly eased her vice-like grip from where it had been holding up the man from his neck. He fell like a limp ragdoll, broken in too many places. Alia cast her too sharp gaze over the man, piecing him together mentally. He was white. Oddly pale for a person. He had slightly greasy brown hair that fell over his forehead in a shaggy haircut. A short cropped goatee. He was dressed in simple outdoor wear. Something black and boxlike fell from his hand, that Alia hadn't even noticed he'd been clutching.
A camera. An expensive looking one too. Her hands didn't shake as she picked it up. It was opened to the last picture the man took. Of a doe bending her head at a stream. She flipped through them. More animals. Lots of animals. Some better shot than others. Then it changed to a picture of four people who looked to be in their thirties with their arms slung around each other in front of a movie theatre. It took Alia a few moments to recognize the man in the center as the same man strewn out before her.
Alia let out a shrill scream and flung the camera as far away from her as she could. Both it and the boulder it hit broke apart. She was scrambling backwards in panic from the body, even as Rosalie tried to reach for her and she recoiled in terror. It was too much. Alia screwed her eyes shut and covered her ears, trying to shut out everything around her.
It didn't work. Even though Rosalie was silent, the woods around her weren't. She could hear and smell everything around her clearly. She didn't need to see to know the reality around her. She could feel it flowing through her body. What had only moments ago felt euphoric now felt like toxic sludge; a high she wanted to take back. But she couldn't. All she could do was sit there shaking as familiar footsteps sprinted towards her.
She didn't ease from trying to block everything around her, even as Edward crouched in front of her. She flinched and curled into herself further. She could feel Edward's cool presence inches from her, though he didn't breach the distance between them. "Alia… I'm going to touch you. Is that okay?"
Alia shook her head quickly, feeling more panic surface. "That's fine." Edward said softly. She felt some of the tension dissipate as she focused on the familiar timbre of his voice. "I'm here, Alia. Whenever you're ready. It's going to be okay. I promise."
With that, the rest of her will shattered and she flung herself at him. He caught her effortlessly, and she buried her face against his chest, continuing to shake as he muttered soft endearments and ran a hand through her hair. He hushed her babble of apologies whenever she tried to spew them out. "It's not your fault, Alia."
That was bullshit. But she pushed it aside. She did her best to focus on him, instead of the low voices around them and the shuffling of feet. Edward hadn't come to her alone. Of course he didn't. Maybe Rosalie had alerted them. Or Alice saw it. There was no escaping it. Everyone was a witness to her crime. They could see the gory details. They would know she was a monster.
Edward grew quiet, though the gentle stroking of her hair didn't cease. Finally, he muttered "Do you want to go home?"
After a brief hesitation, she nodded quickly. Before she could force herself to move (it was only her mind keeping her frozen, her body otherwise perfect), Edward was lifting her into his arms and they were rushing away. She kept her face hidden against his chest as he quickly led her through the woods. But when they were indoors, and Edward set her down on the floor of her room, she no longer had a reason to keep her eyes tightly shut.
She opened them slowly and her stupid perfect vision didn't even need any time to adjust. She could perfectly see the worry drawn across Edward's face, as well as the briefest flash of shock upon meeting her gaze.
Alia didn't need to go find a mirror to get confirmation. Though he tried to hide it immediately after, she had already seen the shocked expression. Her eyes, which had previously been a dark russet shade, had gone back to that glowing blood crimson that she had first woken up with. All that progress she had made… gone in an instant.
"They'll darken quicker this time." Edward said.
She was an asshole, wasn't she? After she had just kil— after what she had just done— was her first concern really about her appearance? She very nearly laughed. But the sound got caught in her throat.
Alia tried to silence her mind by watching Edward. He voiced his every action as he moved about her room, as if she would break if he made any surprising movements. Alia really only responded when he hesitated over one of her drawers. "Would you rather wait for Alice or Esme? Or is it okay for me to…"
It's just fucking underwear, Edward. I'd hope you'd have seen some before. He shut his mouth at that curt thought, and had a complete change of clothes in front of her in moments. Before she could summon the will to touch them, Edward had pulled something else he'd prepared from a quick run to the bathroom, a damp cloth.
When she didn't reject the silent offer, he began to clean the sticky mess around her mouth with the gentlestlest of motions. Alia kept still, not wanting to accidently taste any of the dried blood by mistake, or worse, be tempted to try and do so on purpose. She hadn't breathed at all since coming to her senses, and would not risk it until every trace of blood was far away.
"The scent isn't as bad like this." Edward's hand had gone to her neck. Instinctively, she tilted her head back so he could have better access under her chin.
The cloth stopped at her collarbones. Quite a lot of the blood had flowed down her neck, so that she could feel it all over her chest and seeping into the remains of her tattered shirt.
Alia only gave Edward a blank stare as he sat frozen in deliberation in front of her. She didn't need to be a mind reader to know what was going through his mind. But since he was a mind reader, he averted his eyes in time as Alia moved his hand out of the way, and impatiently took off her shirt.
Sitting there in front of Edward in only her bra should have been a big deal. They had taken each step in their relationship with such tender propriety, after all. But Alia couldn't even bother feeling shy or flustered. Since her bra was kind of ruined too, Alia quickly stripped herself of that and the rest of her clothes.
The trails of dried blood hadn't gone further than her navel at least, and had only made a mess of her chest. Well, she wasn't going to get Edward to clean there, so she picked up the damp, slightly pink cloth. As Alia cleaned herself off with rough quick swipes of the cloth, a thought came to her mind, unbidden, and she felt like laughing hysterically.
This really wasn't how she'd pictured getting naked in front of Edward.
Edward still had his eyes averted. But Alia could see a muscle in his jaw twitch. As her gaze lingered for just a moment too long, he let out a breath that sounded reproachful.
Of course he'd caught on to what she was doing. Yeah, yeah. I'll stop trying to distract myself. Just give me a second.
She had cleaned herself enough that a human wouldn't be able to see any visible blood. It would take a shower to get properly clean, but she really couldn't be bothered at the moment. She tossed the cloth aside, and dressed herself carelessly. As soon as the woolen sweater was over her shoulders, Edward turned back towards her, green eyes searing. Alia couldn't help but look away. His gaze directly on her was just a little too much.
Still, she couldn't help but sigh as a hand caressed her cheek. "Now you're embarrassed." Edward murmured. Alia would have smiled under normal circumstances at how petulant he sounded. But just then, they both heard the rest of the Cullens' presence coming towards the house.
Alia stared at Edward in terror, and he caught her as she fell against him. "It's okay, Alia. No one is going to blame you or see you any differently." She could only shake her head against his chest, even though it was difficult with how securly he was holding her.
There was movement downstairs. Alia vaguely registered sounds of conversation and shuffling around.
"Alia? Sweetheart, are you okay?" She tensed when she heard Esme's voice from downstairs. She sounded so worried as if Alia were hurt somehow.
"Not even close." Alice was the one to answer chirpily. "It's going to take a while for her to get over it. Alia's too nice to just let it go."
Against her, she felt Edward tense up. Alia was utterly baffled at the flippant tone in Alice's voice. As if she had broken something instead of… someone.
"Alice…" Carlisle's voice was a gentle reproach.
"What? I know how this is going to go, so there's no point in letting her suffer any more than she has to. Alia—" Alice's voice grew louder, as if they all didn't know that Alia could already perfectly hear everything going on downstairs. "— we've all messed up and killed people. It happens. It's not your fault so don't beat yourself up."
Edward let out a low growl, and Alia could tell that if it weren't for her, he would have stormed down to yell at Alice already.
But whatever self control he was exercising vanished when Rosalie spoke. "It was bad luck for that human to be there."
"I'll be back." Edward said through clenched teeth. Alia hardly had the chance to react, before she was alone in the room and he had rushed down the stairs. "Bad luck?!" he snarled. "It was your job to take care of her and you couldn't even do that! This happened because of your carelessness!"
"Hey man, watch yourself—"
"Edward, that's not fair—"
Several people spoke at once, but it was Rosalie's cool voice that cut through, silencing everyone around her. "You're angry, Edward. I understand that. But I'm not going to beat myself up for something even you wouldn't have been able to stop. Unless you're suggesting any of us could have stopped a newborn vampire who smelled human blood for the first time?"
"Alice—" Edward began to snap.
"— would have been just as surprised by how suddenly the hiker appeared." Rosalie said. "You don't get to take this out on me."
"Rosalie's right." They turned around to greet Alia, where she stood furtively at the top of the stairs. "It— it's not her fault. It's mine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to but I just couldn't stop. I— I completely lost my head and then—" she choked on her words.
Edward had rushed to her side before she even spoke. "No, Alia. Don't you dare. It's not your fault at all."
Alia only felt a dull rush of helplessness as everyone proceeded to reassure her. She hadn't sought out the human, but had the bad luck of stumbling across one. It wasn't her fault. The bloodlust was just like that. It would be like that for a while, for decades if not her entire life. This didn't make her a bad person. They would all always be there for her.
Over the next few days, Alia let herself listen to everyone's consoling words. But it was just so hard to accept something so terrible as natural.
"I've lost control three times, in total." Esme said gently as she braided back strands of Alia's thick hair. There was technically no point. Her hair nowadays always seemed tangle free and lustrous. But Alia liked the sensation of her hair being cared for and had sat down meekly in front of Esme when she offered to braid her chest length hair. "The first time was within a year of turning, like you. The last was seven years after. That time, I was so ashamed I ran away from Carlisle and Edward because I was convinced they would hate me."
"You did?" Alia turned to look at her the best she could without disturbing the braiding. "For how long?"
Esme smiled. "It only lasted a few hours before they tracked me down. Edward yelled at me for being childish or as he put it… 'insufferably feminine." Alia couldn't help but snort at that. "But it was Carlisle's kindness that motivated me to forgive myself." Esme draped the finished braid over Alia's shoulder. "That's what it will take, sweetheart. It doesn't matter how many times we tell you that we forgive you. You need to forgive yourself."
Esme's words did help. Somewhat. But once the shock wore off, only frustration remained. She tried to go about her life the same way she did before. But now, every time she got reminded of the outside world, whether watching Carlisle come and go from the hospital, or hearing the faint sound of cars on the nearest road, Alia found herself flooded with terror where she'd once felt curiosity.
"You're overthinking it, kiddo." Emmett said, one afternoon while they were playing video games.
"Overthinking what?" Alia demanded. "I'm not thinking about anything."
"Yeah, I can tell. You're playing even worse than normal."
Alia didn't deign to look at him, but found herself baring her teeth in a grin. "You piece of shit. It's on!"
Somehow, focusing on the fighting game in front of her (one of the Tekken games on the fancy playstation Emmett favored), made Alia play even more terribly. Emmett beat her with his panda fighter without taking a single hit.
"Whatever." Alia huffed as Emmett whooped. It wasn't like Alia had played that much of the game, certainly not as much as Emmett. If she put it more time, then he'd go down.
"Wanna play again?" Emmett asked.
"… Not really." Alia said.
"You're still hung up on it, huh."
She didn't try to dodge the topic again. They both knew what Alia was hung up on. "How can I not be? I… I… like, it's not even me worrying about nothing this time. I fucked up."
"We all do." Emmett said easily. Easily as if this was normal. As if a normal person's fuck ups resulted in people dying. Alia said as much, and he shrugged. "We're not normal, Alia. There's no such thing as normal, remember? We're vampires. Even if we try our best— and I'm not saying that we shouldn't— we're gonna inevitably screw up and kill people." He clasped her on the shoulder at what must have been a devastated expression twisting her features. "It's not fair. But there's no point torturing yourself. It won't unkill that dude. The best you can do is move forward."
What the hell could she say to that? She knew that he made perfect sense. Emmett said those words to her from a position of having killed several people after losing control. Even then, he, Alice, and Esme were the only ones to kill 'accidently'. Alia just happened to live in a house full of criminals. Alia had learned about her new family's history while she was first getting acclimated to being a vampire. At the time, it had seemed so distant and far away, the thought of killing. But now, the realities of life and death finally hit her.
Rosalie had never tasted human blood but she had delighted in slowly torturing and killing the men who left her for dead. Jasper had killed people while he was still a human soldier. Then, as a vampire, he had been dragged into more war, killing people of the living and undead variety in numbers Alia couldn't wrap her head around.
And Edward? Her best friend and soulmate? The one who walked around in cashmere turtlenecks and only wore tailored socks? He'd had an entire edgy phase where he went out and hunted the worst of criminals like a vigilante. Like freaking Batman.
You can't get mad at me if it's true. Alia thought pointedly at the offended look she got at that when Edward happened to overhear her line of thinking the next day. It sounds like a wet dream of Frank Miller's. For all I know, you probably wore a cape and brooded in the rain a bunch.
"That's your biggest issue with my past?" Edward asked incredulously. "The aesthetic?"
"Yes." Alia said blankly. "And no? You know the real issue. I'm just joking to put off wrapping my head around it all. I'll get there. Just give me a bit of time."
Edward wisely kept silent at that. He squeezed her hand comfortingly and left her to mull over the flurry of thoughts that were plaguing her. She couldn't help but smile at the door he'd gone through. She really did love him. It was surreal at times. But even knowing that she had Edward's unconditional love wasn't enough to make her okay with what she had done.
It was Carlisle that she came to at last after she had finally summoned the courage. He was the only one who hadn't ever killed anyone. But it was more than that. He was practically a saint. He didn't just avoid hurting people but actively worked to save their lives. Who did that? No wonder Edward had a giant guilt complex when his father seemed so perfect.
Alia had approached Carlisle in his study. She'd used the pretence of wanting to continue looking through his vast library of invaluable texts. Even without talking, Carlisle clearly picked up on her restlessness. "What's wrong?"
She couldn't help but flinch. "Why would you think something's wrong?"
"Well..." Carlisle chuckled. "I would have expected you to be more excited about reading a lost play by Shakespeare."
Alia looked away from the manuscript she'd been absent mindedly spacing out at. Her first year literature professor would probably amputate both his legs to read this play. But even secret caches of literary treasure couldn't keep the turmoil in her at bay. "What if it wasn't worth turning me into… or uh… keeping me alive?" she asked in a small voice. "If I'd died like I was supposed to, that guy would still be alive. What if that would have been better?"
When she peeked at Carlisle, he had such a paternal expression on his face that she had to look away. It was like being scorched by the sun. Not that she would know what that was like, considering all vampire myths were fake except for the ones involving the dangers to humanity.
"I don't mean to blame you— or— or Edward. I'm happy to have another chance. But I feel bad for being happy. It feels selfish, like other people— hell— even animals have to pay for my existence. Am I worth that?"
"I'm afraid I don't know how to calculate worth." Carlisle said. "There was a time that I tried. It almost drove me mad. After all, it was I who turned Edward, then Esme, then Rosalie, then Emmett. If we look at it empirically, I am responsible for every one of their actions, every death at their hands. Edward, and I myself by extension, would be responsible for the death of your hiker." At Alia's horrified expression, he smiled. "But that line of thinking would be ridiculous, wouldn't it?"
"I… get your point." Alia conceded. "But… what if it happens again?"
"Then we will face it together." he said simply. "Even with Alice's gift, we can't know what the future will bring. All we can do is try. I cannot make you feel worthy, Alia. But I can tell you that you are precious to everyone in this family. Whatever happens, we will face it together."
Alia (very carefully) put the book she was holding on the desk, then hugged him. "Thank you."
The world couldn't be all positivity and rainbows, especially when it was so much more complicated than most people knew. If Alia had an answer to the questions haunting her, then she would have rendered every philosopher in history redundant.
All she could do was try her best and trust in her family.
...
So the crisis I kept having as I was writing was... wait... "murder bad? but Cullens all did murders? Cullens bad?" Meyer got off easy by not having Bella ever do anything wrong as a vampire. It turns out it's really fucking hard to justify your characters killing innocent people. I'm not gonna act like I resolved the problem. I think at the end, Alia (and the other nicer Cullens when it was their turn) have to make themselves okay with it otherwise they're gonna drive themselves crazy. Is it morally right? Obviously not. But that's what vampires are all about, right?
Did I overthink this? Absolutely! But I didn't just want to scrap the bits I'd written because it was hard or messy and just never address this problem. So, this is what we got. I'd love to hear some thoughts on the matter!
