The road turned in front of them, the wheels of the Ford circling on the pavement. The yellow lines blended into the blackness, as the path twisted, the speed of time holding no semblance of meaning.
"Dad, you really should ask her out."
Nicholas shook his head at Steve's declaration. "I can't, Son."
Steve thought of how his dad had seemed to enjoy talking to Audrey at church, the look on his face that had made him almost glow. "Why not? You like her."
"I haven't dated in years. I haven't dated since-"
A realization came to Steve's mind, knowing where Nicholas' train of thought had been leading. "But that doesn't mean you can't now."
"I can't do it, Son. Not after- It's just been so long, I don't know if it's a good idea. Besides, I don't think I like her that way."
"Just think about it, Dad. I bet she'd say 'yes.'"
"The only one who knew before Soda was my dad. I had never talked about this at all before I told him."
Pony nodded along, hoping he was being encouraging, but also eager to know what the secret had been.
Steve kept his hands on the steering wheel, the motion of the car pushing him forward. "You probably don't remember anything cause Soda and me were only eleven. But do you remember ever hearing the name 'Clara'?"
"Maybe. It sounds kind of familiar, but I don't know why."
"She was my dad's girlfriend, and she lived with us for a while."
"Oh. Okay."
"She, um, she did something to me though, Pony. And she-she shouldn't have."
"What do you mean? What did she do?"
"My dad had no idea it was going on, and I didn't tell anybody. I couldn't."
Pony waited for Steve to explain, as the other boy drove the Ford off the road and into the Dingo's parking lot.
Steve parked the car, having found he couldn't focus on both driving and getting the words to come from his mouth. "She touched me, Kid. A bunch of times. She'd wait until my dad was asleep, then come into my bed with me."
"What? She touched you where?"
Steve stared down at his lap, able to feel Pony's gaze on him, the curiosity in his question genuine. "Don't make me say it, Kid. Please. Just think about it for a minute. You might have your head in the clouds a lot, but you ain't stupid."
"I, um, I think I know what you mean, but it's just really... I never thought anything like that happened to you."
"That's cause it's not something that shows on the outside. Like I said, my dad didn't even know. Not until he caught her."
"He saw her touching you? What did he do?"
"Well, he was pissed, like any parent would be. He told her to get away from me and get the hell out of our house. So she did."
"So... You kept it a secret. Why? Couldn't your dad have stopped her if you told him?"
"It's not that simple, Kid. I mean, I know now that he would have. But it's hard to admit when someone touches you like that. It makes you feel ashamed."
"But she's the one who did something wrong, right? Not you. You were just a kid."
"Yeah. She was wrong. You're right about that. I just wasn't sure then, and she said stuff to confuse me."
"When did you tell Soda?"
"Last summer."
"That's a long time. So even though it happened when you were a kid, it still bothers you a lot?"
"It does. Not as much now since I haven't had it all shoved inside. But me and my dad didn't talk about it either after Clara left. Even though we needed to."
"So why didn't you?"
"That's wasn't so simple either. My dad felt really bad cause of what happened. I didn't always realize that. I mean, it was me she abused, but it hurt him too. He wanted to move on from it, so that's what we tried to do. It kind of worked for a while, or it seemed to anyway."
"So when you overdosed, it was cause of this happening to you?"
"Yeah. Pretty much. Something like this, it doesn't really go away, Kid. The memories started coming back to me, making me have nightmares and relive what she did. That got to where it was happening all the time, and I had so many bad feelings about everything."
"That's what your dreams are about. And that's why you knew how to help Soda earlier. He's reliving the shooting, isn't he?"
"Seems like it, Pony."
"He'll get over it, right? That won't keep happening."
"I think it's going to take some time for it to stop. But I don't know about him really getting over what happened."
"So what did you have to do to get better?"
"I had to talk a lot. Especially to my dad cause things weren't great between us, and we had to get stuff out in the open. I told him everything I didn't when I was a kid. I told Soda a lot too. If it hadn't been for him, I never would've started getting all of this out of me at all."
"Do you think Soda needs to talk about the shooting?"
"Yeah. I do, Kid. As different as that is from what I went through, he still has to face it and let himself feel it."
"I don't want to talk about this anymore, Son. I'm not asking Audrey out. I'm not going to date anyone at all."
Steve followed Nicholas into his bedroom, sitting down on the bed, as his dad started to change out of the dress shirt he'd worn to church. "Why, Dad? If you like her-"
Nicholas snapped out a reply, as he undid the last button on his shirt. "Please, Steve. I said I don't like her that way. Can we just drop it?"
"Are you fighting this idea so hard cause the last person you dated was Clara?"
Nicholas froze, holding the t-shirt he'd been about to put on in his hands. "No. I just don't think I need- I mean, I don't know if I can-" He gripped the shirt tighter, looking down at it, as he sat down beside Steve. "The last woman I was with abused my son."
"So what does that mean then? That you can't date ever again?"
Nicholas was silent, as he pulled the t-shirt over his head and slid it on, covering himself.
Steve scooted closer to Nicholas and touched his shoulder. "Nothing's going to happen if you ask her out, Dad. Audrey's not Clara."
"I'm fine now, Darry. You don't have to check on me."
Darry joined Soda in his bedroom, sitting down at his side. "I'm not sure sure about that, little buddy."
Soda turned the page of the Car and Driver magazine he was looking through. "What do you mean?"
"I mean I think this is happening a lot. They're flashbacks, right? Like Steve first thought when you talked to the cop that day."
"I don't want to talk about this, Dar."
"If it's happening this much, you can't just keep those memories inside your head."
"I'm sorry it's happening so much, okay? I can't help it."
Darry touched the back of Soda's head, stroking his light brown hair, before letting his hand rest on his little brother's back. "I'm not saying it's your fault, Pepsi Cola. Don't be sorry. That's not what you need right now."
Soda didn't look up at Darry, keeping his eyes on the words and photographs in the magazine. "I was so scared that night, Dar. More scared than I've ever been in my life."
Darry chose to stay silent for the moment, letting Soda say whatever words would flow from his mouth.
"And I've been scared a lot, so that's saying something. I guess it's just different when- Nothing is like thinking you're about to die."
Darry kept his hand on Soda's back, rubbing it gently, as he hoped the touch could coax the trapped feelings from his brother's heart.
"And not even just about to die, but be killed. I never want to feel like that again."
"I hope you never have to, little buddy."
"But I feel it whenever- And I hear everything again. I hear that voice, and I see- I see all of it, like it's really right in front of me."
"Earlier, what Steve was saying to you, did that help?"
"Yeah. It did. I think I've already been doing some of what he has anyway cause I'll tell myself I'm okay or it's not happening right now. Or just that it's not real. It helps to know that."
"Steve was telling you to go a step further though and tell us what you could see, what is real."
"Yeah. That's supposed to help your mind be more in the present or something like that. It helps you focus on what you can see and feel and hear what actually is right there, so you're not so lost in-well, in whatever happened in the past."
"That sounds like a good thing for you to know how to do. Me too."
Soda lifted his head, moving his gaze from the magazine to his big brother. "Darry, I'm trying to be honest. I really am."
"I know that, Sodapop."
Soda laid his head on Darry's shoulder. "I love you. I love all of you guys so much." He closed his eyes, feeling the material of his brother's shirt against his face, Darry's strong presence soothing, despite the fresh memories. "Please don't ever forget that."
"It's not just about me, Son. I don't want to hurt you again."
Steve let the front door close behind him, joining Nicholas on the porch swing, as he tried to comprehend his words. "How would you hurt me again, Dad?"
Nicholas leaned forward, his feet flat on the ground to hold the swing still. "By getting into another relationship. What if I date Audrey and- and I don't know. I'm just afraid of hurting you somehow."
Steve put his arm around Nicholas, gripping his shoulder. "I'm okay with you getting into a relationship. If it's what you want. But don't you think you're getting a little ahead of yourself, Dad?"
"How so?"
"You haven't even asked her on one date yet."
"I know. But if I do, I want to know it'll be okay with you if it becomes more than that."
"Yes! It's okay with me."
"I don't want to ruin what me and you have, Son. Nothing is worth that."
"You won't ruin what we have, Dad. I know you're always here for me, and I know nothing and no one can change that." Steve reached for Nicholas' hand and held it tight. "You know what else? I'm here for you too, and I'm not going to let you decide you can't ask Audrey out because of what happened to me. This is nothing like that. Audrey isn't going to hurt me or you."
Nicholas put his hand over Steve's. "Thank you, Son. I love you so much."
"I love you too. And Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"Ask her out. If you don't, I'm going to do it for you."
"It's kind of a weird feeling, but I don't really know why. I mean, so what it's been six months? Does that really mean anything?"
Laura took in Steve's questions, giving him her best answer. "It means whatever you decide."
Steve remembered the day he overdosed, the actions he'd taken seeming to fade into time, even as they also followed him around in the present. "I guess it means I'm still alive six months later to talk about it. I'm still here."
"Audrey, this is my best friend, Sodapop?"
After Steve's introduction, Soda offered his hand to Audrey. "Hi. And, yes, it's my real name. I'm as sweet as sodapop."
Steve rolled his eyes, though he smiled at the memory coming to him. "He once said his name came from Heaven cause the idea for it had to be from God."
Audrey shook Soda's hand, as she smiled at the name, appreciative of the creativity. "I like it. Very nice to meet you, Sodapop."
"I couldn't believe my ears. Cause it's Soda, and I know he loves life. He loves living."
Laura responded to Steve, recalling how his own experiences had vastly shaped his perspectives. "I think trauma in any form changes how we view our lives. It affects our thought patterns. And if Sodapop is struggling with what happened to him, it makes sense if he says things that seem out of character because he's experiencing physical and emotional pain."
Steve remembered the words he'd spoken here in Laura's office during the first session after his overdose. "It reminds me of when I told you I wished I hadn't survived. I mean, I know it's not exactly the same thing cause nobody else hurt me. I did it to myself. But I wonder if it's the same sort of feeling."
"Dad, if you don't do it, I will."
Soda raised an eyebrow at Steve's declaration, as he glanced at Audrey. "I think she's a little old for you, man."
Steve shoved Soda, mock annoyance in his expression. "Hey, you know I love you, buddy, but shut up. I have to get my dad here to ask her on a date."
Nicholas' eyes widened at the volume of Steve's voice. "Not so loud, Son. She's right across the room."
Steve chuckled, as he grabbed Nicholas by the shoulders and pushed him in Audrey's direction. "Hey, Audrey, my dad's got a question for you!"
Audrey turned toward Nicholas, her eyes sparkling, as she smiled at him. "Oh. He does, does he? I've been wondering."
Nicholas started to speak, finding the words flowed easily once he did. "Um, yes. I do. Audrey, would you like to go out with me?"
Audrey met Nicholas' gaze, as she touched his arm. "Of course, Nicholas. I would love to go out with you."
Soda's foot slowly released the clutch, as the Chevy began to move in reverse and rolled out of the Curtis' driveway. His grasp on the gear shift was weak, as he shifted the car into first gear. He slowly accelerated, picking up speed, before he pressed on the clutch and attempted to shift into second gear.
Soda felt a pain shimmy through this right hand and into his arm. He let go of the gear shift, as his fingers tingled. "Damn. I should've just walked."
He gripped the gear shift again, this time successfully shifting into second gear, as he released the clutch, only pressing on the accelerator. The car moved through the neighborhood, the residential street leading to a main road.
Soda made a right turn, joining the traffic. The Chevy picked up more speed, and he took his foot off the accelerator, once again pressing on the clutch, as he shifted into third gear. He felt a sharp pain jab his fingers and let go of the gear shift. He released the clutch, choosing to keep only a steady pressure on the gas pedal.
Soda kept both hands on the steering wheel, the Chevy moving at a consistent range of speed. He looked through the glass of the windshield, seeing the flow of the traffic in front of him and the life that characterized the streets of late afternoon.
Soda lifted his gaze to the rearview mirror, the vividness of the sight stirring feelings that were yearning for release. He stared at the reflected images, startled by the crystal-like clarity of what lie behind him.
"I told you it's okay with me, Dad. What else do you need? What else can I say?"
Nicholas looked at Steve, taking in the genuine concern on his son's face. "I told you it's not just about me, but some of it is. What if something goes wrong, and I'm blind to it because-"
Steve put a hand on Nicholas' arm, as he interrupted his question. "Something like what, Dad?"
"I don't know. Just what if I think we really have something, and then it turns out we don't? I don't want to get hurt again either."
"You must really like Audrey to be thinking about stuff like this. You haven't even gone out yet."
"I know. But I can't help it, Son. Maybe I'm getting too far ahead of things, but I feel like I have to. Because I don't know if I can trust myself again."
"Hey, what's up, man? I was just about to head over to hang out with you."
Soda stepped inside Steve's house, unsure of how to respond to his best friend's casual greeting. "I, uh, I don't know. I just went for a drive earlier, then decided to walk over here. Cause Darry's still at work, and Pony has track practice. I've just been by myself at home an awful lot lately."
Steve opened the refrigerator, thinking of how Soda had described difficulties with certain tasks, as a result of his injury. "So how was driving? Still okay?"
Soda reached for the Pepsi Steve was handing him, popping it open, as he sat down in a kitchen chair. "Kind of hard, honestly." He looked down at his right hand that rested on the table, eyes moving from it to the bandage that remained on his arm. "I'm not so good at gripping the gear shift, and I was hurting too. I did better than that when I drove home that day after picking up my car."
Steve sat down in the chair across from Soda's, as he popped open his own Pepsi, ignoring the association between today's date and the carbonated drink. "Maybe this is just something that has good days and bad days."
"Yeah. Maybe."
"Sodapop?"
"Yeah?"
"You're going to be all right, man."
Soda looked up at Steve, the certainty in his expression and his voice almost enough to assuage the layers of doubt. "Yeah. I guess."
"Dad, what would you have done if I had told you it wasn't okay with me for you to date?"
Nicholas pondered Steve's question, knowing the answer more quickly than he was willing to admit. "Then, I wouldn't."
Steve heard only the simplicity in his dad's answer. "And that would just be it? You wouldn't try to get me to feel better about it?"
"No, that would just be it."
"Why?"
"Cause you're my son. You've been through a lot. Too much. And I'd never do anything that could hurt our relationship."
"Well, just so you know, I would've never told you that you couldn't go out with Audrey. Even if I wasn't sure how I feel about you dating again, or if the idea bothered me at all."
""But why? You can always be honest with me, Son. If it had made you uncomfortable-"
"Because I trust you, Dad. That's why. Even if you don't trust yourself yet. I trust you."
"So did Pony tell you he asked me what happened?"
Soda crumbled up the paper that had once wrapped his cheeseburger, as he responded to Steve's question. "Huh? He asked you what happened?"
Steve ate the last of his fries and shoved the box back into the Dairy Queen bag between them. "He wanted to know how I knew what to say to you last night to help. So he asked what I went through."
"Oh. What'd you say?"
"I told him to get in the car. We drove around a while. Then, I told him I was abused."
"Wow. I thought you'd have told him to get lost."
"If he'd have asked much sooner, I might have. But I don't know. I didn't really mind. I wasn't volunteering information, but when he straight up asked me, I was okay to tell him about it."
"So what'd he say after?"
"He asked more questions than I would've been able to handle before, but I think he just didn't expect any of what I told him. I sure can't blame him for that."
"I remember having a lot of questions when you first told me, but I could tell you weren't ready for that then. So is Pony worried about me cause of- Well, cause of how I was last night?"
"Yeah, buddy. He is. He just wanted to know exactly what was happening too. And, somehow, I've been granted the honor of helping the kid understand."
"Sorry if he's bugging you cause of me, Stevie. I know you guys ain't the best of friends."
"It's fine, man. Really. And I swear I'm going to knock you upside the head if you keep apologizing for stuff."
Soda sighed, as he picked up the Dairy Queen bag, putting the crumbled wrapper inside it. "I need to tell you something, Stevie. Please don't ever forget you're my best friend."
"I know that, Soda. Where's this coming from?"
"I just want you to remember nothing can change that."
Steve tried to calm the alarm in his mind, realizing how much Soda's words were echoing his own. He reached for his friend's shoulder, squeezing it gently, even as he kept his voice firm. "I know nothing can change that. But why are you saying it right now? What are you thinking about?"
"It's nothing. I just want to make sure you know."
Steve tightened his grip on Soda's shoulder, noticing how he hadn't so much as moved or looked up. "Sodapop, you're not going home tonight til you tell me why you're talking like this."
"But I'm not talking like anything."
"Look at me, buddy."
Soda hesitantly turned his head, meeting Steve's eyes for a moment, before his gaze dropped. "I swear I'm not thinking anything, Stevie. I'm just telling you cause I want to, and it's important."
"What do I have to say to get you to tell me the truth?"
"I'm um- I am telling you the truth."
"No. You're not. Look, man. What you said before, you're right. I wasn't always honest. But when I really needed to, I told the truth. You're horrible at lying, Sodapop. So please talk to me. I'm listening."
"Yes, I'm still going to take Audrey out, Son. I'm not breaking the date."
Steve followed Nicholas into his bedroom, as he replied to his dad's confirmation. "Good. I just wanted to make sure. I don't want you to not do something cause of anything that happened, and you've sounded like you weren't sure sometimes."
Nicholas went toward Steve, putting his hands on his shoulders. "Don't worry, Son. I've just been thinking a lot. But I'm sure about this. Even if it ends up being just one date."
"I meant what I said, Sodapop, and you know it. I'm not letting you go home until you tell me. I don't care if it takes all night."
Soda heard the back door close behind Steve, having well expected his best friend to follow him inside. "There's nothing to tell."
Steve crossed the room and stood in front of Soda. "The hell there isn't! You're hurting inside, man. It's written all over your face and even more in what comes out of your mouth."
"So? That doesn't mean there's anything I need to say!"
"Do you hear yourself? That's exactly what it means!"
Soda started to go past Steve. "I don't want to do this right now. I'm going home."
Steve reached for Soda's arm, stepping in front of him to block his path. "Do you know what today is?"
"Today? What are you talking about?"
"It's been six months since I overdosed."
"Oh."
"There's something I said once that I never told you about. I only said it to Laura."
"Okay."
"I told her that I sometimes wished I hadn't survived."
"But you- you didn't mean that."
"I did mean it at that moment, buddy. I felt that way sometimes because the same pain that made me try to kill myself was still there."
"But you don't feel that way now, do you?"
"No. I don't feel that way now at all. Not even when it still hurts." Steve waited, not letting go of Soda's arm or stepping away from him. He watched his best friend's expression, the need to respond clear on his face. "Come on, man. I know you have plenty to say. I can see it. I've been able to see it all the time."
"How do you feel about having another baby?"
Samuel let Vivian's question move into his heart, as he worded his response. "I know how much you want to be a mom. You never stopped being one. I want you to have that. You should have it."
Vivian put her hands over Samuel's, staring at his face. "I do want to be a mom. But I'm asking how you feel, honey."
"When you first told me you wanted to have another baby, I went into Matthew's old room. I sat there and prayed and wondered what that would mean for him."
"It would mean he has a brother or sister who's here with us, a sibling to watch over. It wouldn't change our memories or how much we love him. I thought about all this too, Samuel."
"Then, I imagined holding a baby in my arms, watching him or her grow, and I wondered if I should be a dad again."
"Of course you should. You have a lot of love in your heart, and that's all you need."
"I know I keep saying I didn't. But I did mean it, Stevie."
Steve responded to Soda's admission with a question, though he already knew the answer. "You did mean what?"
Soda looked away from Steve, his eyes on the carpet that covered his best friend's bedroom floor. "What I said the other night. I did- I did mean it when I told you I wished he'd killed me."
Steve started to reach for Soda's shoulder, seeing him visibly flinch at the motion. "I'm not going to hurt you, buddy. I'm sorry for how I reacted before. You just shocked me, you know?"
"Yeah. I know."
Steve, not hesitating this time, let his hand rest on Soda's shoulder. "So tell me. What's making you feel like that?"
"I don't know if I can do this. I don't know what'll happen if I talk about it."
"Nothing, man. Nothing will happen. Except you won't be trying to deal with it alone."
"I'm sorry I lied. I really didn't mean to."
"It's okay, buddy. I understand, and I'm not worried about that."
Soda attempted to voice his thoughts, the words haltingly coming from his lips, as he looked up at Steve, then back down again. "Ever since I had those first couple of flashbacks and the nightmares too, I have these thoughts and- I mean, not like what you've had but..."
Steve drew in air, holding the breath, as he spoke internally to himself: Just be here for Soda. Listen to him, and be here for him. "So like what then, man?"
"I mean, I wake up in the morning and wish I hadn't. Or I'll think that I just don't want to be here anymore. I think about how if I had died, none of this could be happening."
Steve felt Soda's words wash over him, realizing his best friend's voice sounded hollow, like it was coming from somewhere far outside of himself. "So you said not like what I've had. What's different?"
Soda felt tears burn his eyes, the urge to cry growing, as it dawned on him all that he'd just said outloud. "I'm, um, not thinking of ways to hurt myself or anything like that. I haven't even felt like I want to. It's not that bad."
Steve rubbed Soda's back, as he tried to keep his voice from wavering with emotion. "That's good. But I'm worried it could get that bad, if you're already thinking what you just told me."
"I worry about that too. Cause I just feel so sad all the time. When Darry talked to me, I told him I'm glad he saved me. And that's true, even though I've been feeling like this too. It's confusing."
"What did you think would happen if you talked about this?"
"I don't know. Part of me wondered if I could control it if I just kept it all inside my head. And it's like- Well, maybe the same as with the rest. I don't want it to be real cause I can't even believe I'd ever think that way."
"What would you say if I told you I was pregnant right now?"
Samuel looked at Vivian, her question making him speechless for just a moment, before he spoke. "Um, I would wonder how because-"
Vivian smiled at her husband, as she touched his face. "I'm only speaking hypothetically, and I mean what would you think? Would you be happy?"
"Of course I would be happy."
"Why?"
"Because it's a baby." Samuel paused, meeting Vivian's eyes, as he still felt her hand on his cheek. "Our baby."
"Soda, I want to ask you about one more thing, buddy. What you were saying to me outside, why did you want to tell me that then?"
Soda's mind drifted back to the words he'd said to Steve earlier, knowing he was referring to the affirmation of their friendship. "Uh, I just felt like I needed to tell you cause I guess I don't know what could happen. And I-" Tears still burned Soda's eyes, making his voice tremble. "I want everyone I love to know, no matter what."
Steve still had a hand on Soda's back and put his arm around his shoulders, wanting to keep him close. "I guess what I really need to ask is did you need to say it because you wonder if you could end up hurting yourself cause of the stuff you've been thinking?"
Soda closed his eyes, as he nodded, his voice trembling even more. "Yeah. That and it's like I know now more than ever that something could happen to me. I could die any time. I knew that before, but it's different now."
"I get what you mean, man. On both those things. I know me feeling like this is different cause I actually did hurt myself and still was thinking about doing it again. But do you remember that morning I missed school and told you I had a migraine?"
"You mean when you went to see Laura, instead of going to school?"
"Yeah. I went to see her because I was really scared. I was wondering what if I did try to kill myself again and thinking about it a lot."
"I remember. I was just glad you asked for help."
"When I talked to Laura that day, I told her all the things that were going through my head. Like how I had thought about telling my dad not to blame himself if I did try again, and I wanted to make sure he knows I love him. You too. I felt like telling you to remember you're always going to be my brother, and that won't change, even if I'm not here."
"So it's almost like you were wanting to say goodbye?"
"Yeah. Pretty much."
"I know I sounded kind of like that too, but I'm not thinking about trying to kill myself. It's just what I told you. I promise."
"I know. I believe you, man."
"It scares me though. Cause it's like there's this ache inside me all the time, and it never goes away."
"You're doing great, buddy. I want you to know that. There's a lot you need to get off your chest, and this is a start."
Soda pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, the tears becoming more stubborn. "I did cry a little bit the other night when you asked me about the flashbacks. But before I even left the hospital, I decided I wasn't going to. I decided I wouldn't cry."
"But why, Soda?"
Soda kept his eyes covered. "So I could keep it all in. So I wouldn't have to feel anything."
Steve heard Soda's voice breaking and pulled him into his arms. "You need to let it out, buddy. I've been knowing that."
Soda felt himself tense up, still trying to hold back the sobs. "But I can't- I can't control anything else, Stevie. I knew. Even before I went home, I knew it was going to be bad."
Steve held Soda tighter, feeling his best friend shake, as he started to hug him back. "Shh. It's okay to cry, Sodapop. I know you'd tell me the same thing."
Soda let go then, tears pouring out, as he finally cried over the fear and trauma he'd endured and the memories he continued to experience.
Steve put his head on Soda's shoulder, the sobs that racked his best friend sending an ache through him. "I love you, buddy. I think you need to hear that a lot right now." He pondered what Soda had revealed to him, the words striking him yet again with their pain and familiarity. "I know I did."
