A/N: Hi again! All right, so I knew that once I started posting this part of the story, I'd have to post this chapter soon, and I can't even wait anymore. It's just incredibly near and dear to my heart, and I've had it to myself for entirely too long. So enjoy yet another early update (then I'll slow down for a bit!:)), and know that feedback is something I treasure, especially with chapters like this one. Thank you to all who read this story that's so special to me! I'm about to cry just posting this!
The ripples moved to the melody that carried through passing time, its sound an echo of love that refused to be overshadowed by pain.
"I'm glad to see you. Please know that, but I haven't even gotten a chance to shower and change."
Audrey looked at Nicholas still in his work clothes, able to see the sweat that soaked through his shirt. She smiled at him, reaching to run her fingers through his hair she knew he wanted to comb. "So go shower and change. I'll be here. Make sure you put on some of that cologne too."
Nicholas stared in Audrey's eyes, his heart falling for her all over again. "Okay. Anything for you."
"You don't have to tell me right now if you can't do it, buddy."
Soda sighed, letting his head drop, as he kept his grip on Steve's shirt. "I can't. I can't do it."
Steve looked at Soda's hand that had yet to let go of him and put his own over it. "You know I'm not going anywhere, right?"
Soda let his grip loosen, as he felt Steve squeeze his hand. "Yeah. I know."
"Between the two of us, we've been through this a thousand times. I know what it's like to have something to say and not be able to, but damn, man. It's been one hell of a week."
"It has."
"Yeah, and honestly, buddy, we should just go hang out and not talk about anything for a while. I think you need that, and I sure do too."
"You're the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on. Do you know that?"
Nicholas looked down at himself, knowing he couldn't hide the blush brought on by Audrey's compliment. "Thank you. And you're gorgeous. The only woman I ever want to look at."
Audrey moved about in the kitchen, filling up a pot of water. "You're also the sweetest man I've ever met. Is Steve going to be home soon?"
"I don't know. He was doing something with Sodapop earlier, so who knows when he'll be back."
Soda tipped himself back on the bar of the jungle gym, so he was upside down with only his legs holding on. "Hey, Stevie, how's it hangin'?"
Steve sat on the bar above his friend. "A little too much, to be honest."
"Damn, the blood's rushin' to my head."
"That's cause you're hanging there like a monkey, man."
Soda swung his upper body up, so he was now sitting on the bar. "That feels better."
"I remember one time we were sitting here, and you were talking about the view."
"Yeah. I remember that too. We must've been a little higher then though."
"You were high on something, all right."
"Yeah. I was high as a kite off life."
"Hey, you saw Penny yesterday, right?"
"Yep. Sure did."
"How's it going with you two? Still good?"
"Oh yeah."
"What's that look about?"
"Oh, we just came close to getting to know each other real well, if you catch my drift."
"So you didn't do it?"
"I damn sure wanted to."
"So why not? It's been a while."
"Man, believe me. I know that. And I haven't since Suzie, so I was wanting some action."
"Did Penny say no?"
"Nah. She was laying back on her bed, letting me kiss her and everything. She was into it. But she stopped and asked me if we're still taking it slow."
"And you said yes?"
"Yep. So as much as I wanted to, and damn, you better believe I could have, we didn't get any further than kissing."
"So you came to my house to make me dinner?"
Audrey stirred the spaghetti noodles that were cooking in boiling water, as she saw Nicholas watching her. "Yes. I did."
Nicholas stared at Audrey in her yellow sundress, the hem of it stopping just at her knees. He went forward, able to feel the heat from the stove, as he kissed her.
Steve hopped down from the jungle gym's bar, then leaned against it. "If you told Penny you wanted to keep going, you think she'd have let you?"
Soda also climbed down, his feet hitting the ground, as he spoke. "Yeah. I do. We kind of almost did it once before too. Except it was closer this time being that we were alone in her bedroom and all. I told her the first time that I thought we should stop."
"Why? I know you want to, man."
"Oh. I do. But, like I told Penny, I respect her. And I don't want us to just be physical. I've done that before."
"That makes sense. When have you done that before?"
"With Suzie. It wasn't a relationship. It was an escape."
"Yeah. I guess I could see that. But I thought it just seemed like it to me at the time cause of me and Evie, you know. We could barely kiss, let alone have sex."
"I want to be with Penny like that, and not just because I want some action. But because I think it'd be real nice."
"So what does taking it slow even mean for you two?"
"I guess knowing each other for real before we sleep together."
"It didn't bother her that you're not doing it yet?"
"No. She thinks it's sweet."
Audrey kissed Nicholas, her hands sliding underneath his shirt to caress his bare skin.
Nicholas slipped his tongue into Audrey's mouth, deepening the kiss, as he stroked her back.
Audrey's eyes opened to see the pot of water beginning to boil over. She broke away from the kiss, quickly turning the heat down.
Nicholas gasped, breathless from both the kiss and Audrey's touch that had made his skin shiver.
Steve lit up a cigarette, elbow leaning on the jungle gym, as he puffed on it. "Man, I don't know if I'll ever get any action again. I want to, but I also don't, you know?"
Soda nodded, as he took a cigarette from the pack Steve held out to him. "Of course. I mean, obviously, it's not the same as you, but even just knowing what all you've been through, I don't see sex the same way now."
"The spaghetti's not the only thing heating up in here."
Nicholas felt a blush creep up his face for the second time that evening, the implication in Audrey's words ringing true. "Yeah. I guess it's really not."
Audrey giggled, as she added tomato sauce to the drained noodles. "You're so cute when you do that."
Steve blew smoke from his lips, flicking ashes to the ground. "So what's different?"
Soda took a drag off his cigarette, leaning back against the jungle gym. "I mean, I guess I just used to see it as something I do with a girl."
"Well, yeah, I hope you still see it as something you do with a girl."
Soda shoved Steve, chuckling. "Let me finish."
"Hey, you said it. I couldn't resist."
"Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I never stopped to think about why I was doing it. I loved Sandy. You know I loved her. But we jumped into bed too soon."
"I thought it was the backseat of that car."
Soda laughed again. "Well, yeah, it was. But what I'm trying to say is that's all we ended up having together once it was all said and done."
"Okay. That makes sense."
"So I guess I'd say I want to have sex for the right reason, not just cause it feels good. And damn, does it feel good."
"You want to be in love for real, not just doing it to do it."
"Yeah. Pretty much. Me and Suzie, sex is all we had at all. I mean, I think it's all she wanted anyway. At the time, I did too."
"What about the stuff I've been through made you think about all this?"
"Well, I mean, just knowing you got abused the way you did got me thinking about how these things should be, I guess. If that makes any sense."
"It does, man."
"And I don't want to get with a girl just to be physical. Honestly, I felt bad for doing that with Suzie. We were kinda using each other, even if we both did enjoy the hell out of it at the time."
"Man, I wish I could enjoy it like that."
"You and Evie, you did do it, right? I mean, before the other stuff happened."
"Oh, yeah, and I'm okay telling you this cause you're my best friend. But it was only once. Don't get me wrong. I enjoyed it, but I remember lying there after, feeling so weird. I didn't have an actual flashback, but it wasn't Evie I was thinking about."
"When was that?"
"The same week I told you about the abuse. Maybe a few days before. I was thinking about that a lot then, no matter what I was doing. But yeah, so it's been a long time for me now too."
Nicholas twirled sauce-covered spaghetti noodles around his fork. "Sorry I didn't have any meat for this. But it's good even without."
Audrey spooned some spaghetti onto her plate. "We have to make sure we save some for Steve."
"He doesn't have to know."
"So we'll just eat it all and wash away the evidence?"
"Yeah. Sure."
"So what should we do after we finish eating?"
Nicholas chewed the spaghetti in his mouth, yet another blush beginning to bloom on his cheeks. "Um, I don't know. Whatever you want to do."
"Oh, I think I know what you want to do."
"Well, of course I want to. How could I not? You're gorgeous, Audrey, and I love you."
Audrey reached for Nicholas' hand and squeezed it, before she rested her own hand on his thigh. "I love you too."
Soda stomped out his cigarette. "Yeah, I don't know. I think it's going to be hard for me to wait much longer with Penny. Especially if she wants to, you know?"
Steve also put his cigarette out, the last of the smoke flowing from his lips, as he lifted himself back onto one of the jungle gym's bars. "Yeah. I get it, man. Maybe you two should talk about it."
"Damn, it sounds good too. If she tells me she wants to, no way I can resist."
"You're feeling better, aren't you, man?"
"Yeah. I am."
"I can definitely tell. So what now?"
"I ain't sure." Soda put one foot on one of the jungle gym's lower bars, lifting himself up off the ground, as he held onto a bar above it with his left hand. He looked up at the sky, then at the surrounding area that made up the park.
"You ain't about to comment on the view, are you?"
"Nah. Just thinking."
"Again?" Steve clapped Soda on the back. "I thought you were done with that for today."
"Yeah. I was for a while. But it didn't last long."
Nicholas looked down at Audrey's hand that remained on his thigh, then moved his gaze back up to her face that was framed by her auburn hair. "How far we go is up to you."
Audrey moved her hand to Nicholas' chest, her eyes dancing with his. "I want you to make love to me, Nicholas."
Soda still stood on the jungle gym, though he turned his head to look at Steve. "I do want to tell you what I tried to earlier. I think I'm calm enough now."
Steve saw Soda's gaze move back to the park, his own eyes wandering to the set of swings and the slide not far from them. "Okay. Do we need to go back to your house then?"
"Yeah. It's not something I can talk about out here."
Steve jumped back down to the ground, waiting for Soda to follow suit. "Sure thing, buddy. Let's go then."
Soda hopped down off the bar, his hand still gripping the one he'd been holding onto, as his feet touched the ground. He slowly loosened his grip, his fingers brushing against the metal of the jungle gym one last time, before he let go.
Nicholas stood up from his chair, guiding Audrey along with him. He leaned close, speaking softly into her ear. "I only want what you want. Say the word, and we stop."
Audrey felt Nicholas' hot breath on her skin and looked in the eyes of this man she'd come to love so quickly. She cupped his face with her hands, stepping even closer to him. "I want you, Nicholas. Take me to your bedroom."
Steve's feet moved along the sidewalk, going toward the Curtis' house. "Do you want me to stay over again tonight?"
Soda walked beside Steve and shoved shaky hands into the pockets of his jeans. "If you want to. You're welcome anytime."
"I know that, man. I'm asking if you want me to."
"Yeah. I think I do."
"All right then. I'll go by my house and get my stuff later. My dad might be wondering what happened to me anyway."
Within the confines of Nicholas' bedroom, Audrey undid the buttons of his shirt and slid it off his shoulders, making it fall to the floor. She kissed him, only stopping to speak words of desire. "I love you, and I want to be with you right now."
Nicholas reached for the straps of Audrey's dress and slid it off, revealing more of her bare skin. "I love you too. Are you sure you want this?"
"Yes. I'm sure." Audrey slipped the dress all the way off, then reached for the button on Nicholas' jeans to undo it.
Nicholas pushed his pants off and stepped out of them, staring at the woman before him in only a white silk bra and panties. "You're beautiful, Audrey."
Audrey backed up to the bed, lying down on it, as Nicholas straddled her. She looked up at him, her hands on his hips, before she began to trail her fingers along the waist band of his underwear. "I'm ready for you to make love to me."
Nicholas moved over Audrey, kissing her lips, then her neck, before whispering in her ear. "I'm ready too."
"Just tell me, Soda. I've told you before that you never have to hide anything from me, buddy. That hasn't changed."
Soda could see his hands shaking, as the weight on his chest got heavier, despite Steve's encouragement. "I- I know that."
Steve drew closer to Soda, meeting his eyes, as he spoke his next thought. "Something happened, didn't it? There's a reason you asked me if I'd be mad at you if you hurt yourself. A reason you talked to Samuel when you did, and then decided to try with the counselor."
Soda felt Ms. Grayson's words rush back to him, as he tried to steady himself and say what was on his mind. "I still can't believe that turned out the way it did."
"I know, man. Me neither. But she was wrong. You have to remember that."
"I'm trying."
Steve could see Soda begin to shake all over, the anxiety making itself as visible as it had less than a week earlier. He put his hands on his friend's shoulders, his voice gentle. "There's nothing to be afraid of, buddy. No matter what you say, I've got your back. Whatever else is going on, please get it off your chest. I won't be mad at you."
"I wanted- I mean, I tried to see if I could drown."
Steve released Soda's shoulders and squeezed both of his hands that continued to shake. "You tried? What happened?"
Soda leaned forward and rested his head on Steve's shoulder. "Please still be my best friend."
Steve felt tears well in his eyes at the plea, then let go of Soda's hands to wrap his arms around him. "Jesus, Sodapop, what's making you say that? Nothing could stop me from being your best friend. I love you, brother."
Soda started to audibly sob, pain from deep within coming unmasked when he spoke again. "Cause I'm not worth it, Stevie. I'm not worth anything."
Steve's head swam, nearly dizzy with the need to soothe what seemed to be unsoothable. "Buddy, no, that's not true. I had no idea you were feeling like this, man."
Soda turned his face into Steve's shoulder. "But it is. I ain't Sodapop anymore. I'm nothing, and I shouldn't even be here."
Steve felt Soda's pouring tears soak into his shirt, as he lifted a hand to the back of his best friend's head. God, he prayed, what do I do? What do I say to him? What can I say that could possibly make this better?
Soda's mind and emotions collided with one another, the layers of the past and present meshing together within the chains of despondency. "I love you too, Stevie, and you're not going to have to worry about me much longer."
As gently as he could, Steve pushed Soda off his shoulder, his own heart barely beating, as it ached with the weight of the meaning too clear in his best friend's words. "What are you telling me, Sodapop? What do you mean I won't have to worry about you?"
Soda looked away from Steve's eyes, the gaze of unconditional brotherhood both a safety net and a reminder of the waves of worthlessness shattering him inside. "Cause I won't be here. You'll never have to worry again cause I won't be alive."
Audrey lie under the sheet beside Nicholas. "I would have never known it's been so long for you."
Despite their recent intimacy and the fact Nicholas remained naked right alongside Audrey, he blushed at the compliment. "I, uh, I'm glad you enjoyed it."
Audrey cuddled close to Nicholas, her body pressed against his. "I sure did. You're blushing, but you definitely weren't shy. We going to lie here a while?"
Nicholas stroked Audrey's hair, his arms comfortably wrapped around her. "Yes. I think we are."
"Sodapop, keep talking to me. Please, buddy. What are you thinking?"
Soda saw the tears that fell down Steve's face, mirroring his own. "I shouldn't be alive. I don't deserve to be. You guys don't need me anymore."
Steve reached for Soda's hand and held it, squeezing it with both of his own. "I need you. Darry and Pony need you. TwoBit needs you. Penny needs you. You should be alive cause you mean everything to all of us, man. You always have, and nothing will change that."
"But everyone just hurts more cause of me. I want to stop hurting. I want this pain to stop."
"I know, buddy. It'll get better. I promise you. Please hold on."
"I don't want to hold on. I just want to lie down and die."
Steve could feel goosebumps pop up on his skin, shivering inside at both Soda's words and the defeated tone that was coated in a hopelessness he'd never expected to see on his best friend. "I know what you're talking about, buddy. But that feeling will get better. It won't last forever. Remember what you told me before? If you die, you don't have a chance to heal. We don't get a chance to help you. You're just gone, and you don't get to try to recover."
"But I want to be gone. I don't want to breathe anymore."
Steve kept his grip on Soda's hand, as he laid his head on his shoulder. "I know it feels like that right now. But please hang on, buddy. I'm here, and there's no way I'm leaving you alone." I'm here, he thought. And I'm not letting you go.
Darry laid his toolbelt and keys down, looking around his seemingly peaceful house. "It sure is quiet around here for a Friday night." He took a bottle of beer from the refrigerator, then sat down on the couch and kicked his shoes off, as he opened it.
Darry tipped the bottle back, letting the liquid hit his throat, as he settled in to relax for the evening.
Nicholas stared at Audrey's face, seeing the light makeup that adorned her features, as she slept. He held her close, his own eyes giving in to beckoning slumber.
Steve rubbed Soda's back, an effort to calm him, while they continued to talk. "Hey, buddy, I gotta ask you something."
Soda looked at Steve, a blend of pain and guilt only taking a moment to make his gaze drift down. "Yeah?"
"Is there something you're planning to do to hurt yourself? You've been sounding like it."
"No. I just know I want to. I can't do it anymore, Stevie."
"I'm scared, buddy. Cause you're so important to me. I don't want to lose you. I can't even imagine it cause it hurts too much."
"I'm sorry. I keep hurting everyone. But I swear I don't want to."
"I know you don't. And you know what? If this is what's going on in your head, I'm glad you're telling me about it. It's the last thing you need to keep inside."
"It's not even what I was going to say, but it all just started coming out of me."
"You said you tried to see if you'd drown, but you didn't tell me what happened yet. What did that mean?"
"I held myself under the water when the bath tub was almost full."
"For a long time?"
"Long enough for my chest to feel like it was going to explode. I couldn't stop myself. I had to come up and breathe."
"You were holding your breath on purpose earlier, weren't you?"
"Yeah. In the water, I hoped if I could stay under long enough, I'd drown. Today, I just- I don't know. Cause I want to stop breathing and die."
Steve reached out to hold Soda once again, his soul split among empathy, fear, and grief. "I didn't know you were hurting this bad, buddy."
Soda physically rested in the embrace, safe within the comfort, though his inward being remained fraught with self-destructive feelings. "You're not mad at me for it?"
"No. I'm not mad at you at all. Don't even worry about that, man."
"You should be. I'm sorry. For everything. I'll see you there, Stevie. I'll see you there."
"Where, buddy? What are you talking about?"
"Heaven. I'll see you there. There won't be any more pain. Nothing will hurt. Nothing bad will happen ever again."
Steve strengthened his hold on Soda, able to hear the resignation and exhaustion in his voice. "Don't give up, buddy. You're not going to Heaven anytime soon."
Soda closed his eyes, the fantasies of ideation enveloping his mind, even as his best friend's arms held him tight. "But I don't know another way out, Stevie. Please help me."
Steve rested his head against Soda's, as he heard him start to cry again, his own tears not far behind. "Shh. You're going to get through this, buddy. I'm here." Please, God, he prayed. "You can cry all you need to. You can say whatever you need to say, and I'll be here." It's Soda. You have to take care of him. "I'll always be here." God, please make this better. "I promise." Please. It's Soda.
