Author's note: This chapter loses some of its context, if you don't read chapter 22 first!:)

The night trudged on, its air blowing through his window, the freshness helping him rest.


The bathroom light flipped on, before anxious hands opened the medicine cabinet, eyes searching the labeled bottles and supplies: milk of magnesia, antiseptic, aspirin, band-aids, cough syrup...


He breathed in deeply, fast asleep, even as peace felt like such an impossibility.


A cap was twisted off a bottle and the sink turned on to wash red liquid down the drain.


Steve sat on the Curtis' back porch, a lit cigarette between two shaky fingers. "I'm such a hypocrite."

The words were barely out of Steve's mouth, before Pony stepped outside, his eyes on the sky, where the sun was rising. "Hey. You look like hell."

Steve didn't even scowl, not in the mood to trade insults. "I feel like hell too, Kid."

"What are you doing out here anyway?"

"Smoking a cigarette."

"Well, I can see that, smart ass. I mean, I know you must've been up real late with Sodapop."

"How do you know that?"

"Cause he needs you."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I don't have my head in the clouds as much as you think I do."

"I know that, Kid."

"He's not okay, is he, Steve?"

"No. He's not. But he will be." Steve took a long drag off his cigarette, then looked down at his hands, seeing them trembling, as he willed away the weight of panic settling in his chest. "Cause there's no fuckin' way I'm accepting anything else."


"I'm fine, Darry. Just let me eat my breakfast for crying outloud."

Darry watched as Soda resumed eating his bacon and scrambled eggs, doubt lacing his mind. "All right, little buddy. I just wondered."

Soda took a bite of bacon, hearing it crunch between his teeth. "I know. But I'm okay now. It was just a bad night."

Darry saw Soda grin at him, though this didn't ease his concern. He stared at his middle brother, finding no relief in the change in demeanor.

"Your eyes are going to bug out of your head if you keep doing that, Dar. I thought you wanted me to feel better."

"I do want you to feel better."

"Relax then, big brother. Cause I am."

Of course I want you to feel better, Darry thought. But, right now, I just can't believe you.


"Rise and shine, Stevie!"

Steve felt a pillow hit his face and was about to swing it in return when he opened his eyes to see Soda's smiling face right above him. "What the hell, man?"

Soda sat on the edge of the couch and shoved Steve's shoulder. "Come on and get up, buddy. I made you breakfast."

Steve sat up, rubbing the sleep from his eyes. "You what?"

"What's shockin' about that? I've done it before."

"Yeah. You have. I just didn't expect it today is all. How are you feeling now?"

"I'm fine."

"Fine?"

"Yeah. Man, you're looking at me even funnier than Darry did. So I had a rough night. No big deal."

"No big deal? Sodapop, do you remember last night?"

"Of course I remember it."

"Okay."

"Like I said, it was a rough night. That's all."

"That's all?"

"Yeah. Why do you keep repeating everything I say, man?"

"Cause I can't believe what I'm hearing."

"So I feel better. Is that so hard to believe?"

"Yeah. It kind of is."

"Well, it's true. So come on and have some breakfast, Stevie. Or I'll eat it all for you."

"Um, okay." Steve got up off the couch and followed Soda to the kitchen, a questioning gaze assessing his best friend.

Soda whistled, as he put some of the scrambled eggs and bacon on a plate, then handed it to Steve. "There you go, man. So what are we doing today?"

Steve sat down with the plate, as he took a bite of the eggs. "Uh, I gotta go to work in a few hours. But I'm sure I'll be back over here after."

"I think I'm going to call Penny and see if she wants to go to the drive-in tonight. You know, take her on an actual date."

"Yeah. You should do that, buddy."

"And maybe I'll hang out with Pony today too. I feel like we ain't seen each other much lately."

"He'll like that."

"Yeah. I feel a lot better now, and I think I want to make the most of it. Tomorrow too. Me and you, we should go to church, then hang out with TwoBit."

"Sounds like a lot of Sunday's. But sure, man."

"And me and Darry should do something. I don't know what yet."

"You're making lots of plans, aren't you?"

"Yeah. I guess I am."

"Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine, Steve. Really. Like I told Darry, you can relax. I'm feeling a lot better, so you guys don't gotta worry anymore."


Soda sat on the hood of his car that was parked alongside the creek. "I'm glad you and Darry talked about that, Pone. He tries. I know you both do."

Pony lifted himself up onto the Chevy next to Soda. "Yeah. At least we ain't as bad as we used to be. Fighting over any little thing, you know?"

"I sure don't miss that. Even if you don't always see eye to eye, it's important to me that ya'll can still be there for each other." Soda picked up his car keys and held them out to Pony. "Why don't you drive us to get a bite to eat?"

Pony took the keys from Soda, looking through the windshield, then back at his brother. "Really?"

Soda smiled, as he threw his arm around Pony. "Sure, Pone. Get some practice. Just try not to get any tickets."

Pony slid off the car, keys in hand, as he went to open the driver's side door. "Oh? You mean like you didn't?"

Soda slid off too, heading for the passenger seat. "Hey! I tried. My lead foot just never listened to me."


"So what'd you and Audrey do last night?"

Nicholas stared at Steve, as he attempted to answer his question. "We um...We ate spaghetti that she uh, cooked. And it was really good."

Steve took his DX shirt from the laundry basket beside the couch, shaking out the wrinkles. "Oh. Okay."

Nicholas' mind drifted to the evening before, his thoughts a swirl of affection, as he remembered the intimacy he'd shared with Audrey.

Steve laid the DX shirt over the back of the couch, before sitting down, his head in his hands. "Dad?"

"Yeah, Son?"

"Can you just sit here with me for a few minutes? Please?"

"Yes. Yes, I can."

Steve felt Nicholas at his side, before his dad's arm wrapped around him. "I just feel weird. About Soda."

"You told me he seemed to be feeling better today."

"But that's just it. It's confusing, Dad. It's not like I want him to be feeling bad, but this morning was strange. I mean, he said it was just a rough night and not a big deal."

"Do you think he just wants you to believe he's fine now?"

"Maybe. This ain't really all that different than before when he wouldn't admit anything. But it's making me feel weird to remember him saying all that stuff last night when he acted like nothing's going on today. It doesn't make sense, Dad. That's just too damn big of a change."


Soda's laughter sailed into Pony's ears, making the youngest Curtis smile at his middle brother, as he drove the Chevy in the direction of the Dingo. "Hey, what's so funny anyway?"

Soda leaned his head toward the rolled down window, seeing his reflection in the side-view mirror, as wind blew against his face. "Nothing, Pone. Just enjoying myself." Just taking it all in, he thought. "That's all." And feeling every bit of the moment that I can soak in while it lasts.


"I sat there and told Darry he's going to be all right. I told him he's going to get through this, like I'm so damn certain."

Nicholas kept his arm around Steve, as he listened to him. "Because that's the only way to cope, Son, and you have every reason to hope that you're right."

Steve rubbed his head, feeling an ache spreading through it. "I know. It's just weird too to see Darry like that. Hell, I feel like I don't know what to do either. I never imagined Sodapop being this down. I've seen him go through a lot, but none of it was even close to how much he's hurting now."


Soda laughed, his eyes watering, as Pony chucked a french fry at him. "What? I was just saying you don't gotta grow up so fast, Pone."

Pony picked up another fry, shoving it in his mouth. "That ain't what you said. You're telling me I'm still your kid brother, who ain't into all that yet."

"You say it like it's a bad thing. You are my kid brother, you know. You always will be."

"Yeah. I know. I wouldn't have it any other way either. Not like you or Darry will ever let me forget it anyway."

Soda stuck his tongue out at Pony. "Yep. You're in for life, little brother. No matter what happens, he thought. That ain't ever going to change.


"I'm all right, Sir. Just kind of tired."

Mr. Coleman cast a doubtful look toward Steve, who was wheeling an old tire away from a jacked-up car. "Kind of?"

Steve studied the numbers printed on the new tires in the garage, before rolling one toward the car. "Yeah. I'm okay, I swear."

"Tell me if you need to head out early. Okay?"

"I don't. I can sleep tonight."

"Maybe I'm overstepping, but is something going on?"

"No. Nothing's going on."

Mr. Coleman watched Steve begin working to put the tire on, noticing his unsteady hands and slow movement that complemented the lack of sleep evident on his face.

Steve felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up at his boss. "What is it, Sir?"

Mr. Coleman met Steve's eyes, no longer concerned about any personal boundaries that may exist. "Steve, you forget how well I know you."

"I do?"

"Yeah. You do. I've seen you look this tired before. I've also seen you when you were really stressed. And I know since-well, everything that happened before, you do the best you can to take care of yourself and get enough rest."

"Oh. I still am. I promise. Sorry if it looks like I'm not. But nothing is happening to me."

"Okay. I'm not overstepping, am I? Not that it would stop me from asking anyway."

"No, Sir. You're not. I know I don't look so great today. You can ask me anything you want."

"All right then. Are you absolutely sure you're okay to be here for your whole shift?"

"Yeah. I'm sure." I need something to do, Steve thought. "I'll be fine." Somewhere to keep my focus. "And I think I need to stay."


"Hey, you're looking sharp there, little buddy. What are you up to?"

Soda smiled at Darry, as he ran the comb through his hair one more time. "Just taking Penny out. I wanted to look nice for her, you know?"

Darry studied Soda's freshly shaven face, as he touched the sleeve of the light blue dress shirt he knew had once belonged to their dad. "I know you're not going to want me to ask this, but are you sure you're okay, Pepsi Cola?"

"Yeah, Dar. I'm sure. Quit giving yourself more gray hair over me. I've caused you enough stress."

"You didn't cause anything, Sodapop." Darry put his arm around Soda's shoulders. "Hey, the other day at the hospital, you know I was joking about that, right? What I said about you giving me gray hair?"

"Yeah. I knew you were joking."

"You looked like I hurt you, and I'm sorry, little buddy. I never want to do that."

"It's okay, Darry. It's not like I didn't know you were kidding."

"Still, I wanted to tell you. And make sure you don't ever think you gotta keep anything from me cause you don't want to make me worry."

Soda's smile took over his face, as he put the comb down on the dresser, then looked in the mirror once more. "Well, I already know you will anyway, so not like that would work."

"Yeah. You've got a point." Darry let his arm drop from Soda's shoulders, though he couldn't stop studying his brother's eyes and expression. "So where are you taking Penny?"

"Just to the drive-in. Nowhere real special or anything like that. I haven't really taken her anywhere lately. Not that she minds. I kinda do though. So it'll be nice." Soda's gaze moved from the mirror to Darry. "Dar, can I tell you something? About Penny?"

"Sure. Anything."

"I know I've said I liked girls before. Even said I loved Sandy. And I did. But it feels different with Penny. Like it's stronger, you know?"

"I think I understand, little buddy."

"It's not just a feeling that I love her, and it's not just about me. I care about her, and I'd do anything to protect her and be with her. But even more than that, I want what's best for her." I want her to be happy, Soda thought. "I love her for being the real person that she is, not just cause she's pretty or sweet." And I want her to have a beautiful life. No matter what.


"I'm ashamed to admit how much I've been struggling."

Nicholas empathized with Samuel's words, as he sat down on the pew beside him. "There's no shame in that. Not at all. But I understand."

Samuel glanced around the sanctuary, finding comfort in its atmosphere, despite his struggles with faith. "I'm supposed to be happy about the baby. Overjoyed, right? But I can't see it that way right now. I can't see past the fear and the doubt."

"What is it you're scared of? What are you doubting?"

"I'm scared we'll lose this child too. That I'll look away again, and something will happen. I'm doubting myself and God. I tried to give it all to him, like I have before. But I can't let it go. I can't stop thinking about Matthew in that water, about how he wasn't breathing. I can't stop thinking about how I didn't save him, and how it could happen again."

Nicholas laid a hand on Samuel's shoulder. "I think you'd tell me to keep talking to God about it and that he understands. Have you told Vivian?"

"Yeah. She said this baby will be safe with me and that God is letting me be a dad again because he loves me and wants to bless me."

"He does. She's right about that. She's right about you too. You'll be a great dad."

"I'm afraid of getting too attached to this child, Nicholas. Because I know as soon as I hold this baby in my arms, I'll love it more than anything." Samuel felt tears spring up in his eyes, not attempting to hide them from his friend. "And I'll be even more scared than I am right now."


"I can't wait for graduation. I'm ready to be done with high school."

Soda looked away from the movie screen that played only ads and previews, turning to see Penny's eyes staring back at him. "You'll make a great nurse." He handed her the box of popcorn they were sharing, after taking a handful for himself. "I know you will."

Penny ate the popcorn, savoring its buttery taste. "I hope so. It's going to be a while though."

Soda cupped Penny's cheek, smiling at her. "I want you to know I love you."

Penny put her hand over Soda's, as she leaned closer to him. "I love you too, Sodapop. And it feels so good to say it."

Soda pressed his lips to Penny's, the sweetness of her kiss drawing him in to a high he longed to lose himself in for eternity.


"I know I should trust God, no matter how I feel. I should have more faith."

Nicholas could see the tears that shone in Samuel's eyes, the preacher's emotions present, as they talked. "That's not always easy. I think he gets that too. So try not to be too hard on yourself about it."

Samuel wiped a fallen tear from his face. "I would tell anybody else the same thing. I know I have too. I've asked God to help me with it because I know he hears me, and I want this baby. I do. I want to be a dad again."

"But all that guilt is coming up, just like you've said it does. You don't even have to tell me you want the baby. I can see it because you wouldn't be thinking about any of this if you didn't."

"I want the baby. I love it already. But I miss Matthew too. I'm angry with myself and upset with God because I don't know how to trust him. I've struggled with my faith before, Nicholas, but it's never been this bad."

Nicholas pulled Samuel into a hug, as he started to sob. "It's okay. He knows and he understands. Like you always say, he's still with you in that pain."

Samuel laid his head on Nicholas' shoulder, hugging him back. "I'm failing Vivian. I'm failing my wife."

"No, you're not. I know you're still there for her. Cause that's what you do, Samuel." Nicholas held onto his friend, his memory easily going back to the times Samuel had been the one to encourage and comfort him when he was falling apart inside, knowing he'd also done the same for Steve. "You do it for all of us."


Penny's fingers touched the heart-shaped locket that hung around her neck, as she stood with Soda on her front porch. "Call me soon, okay? Make sure you let me know what your doctor says too."

Soda put his arm around Penny's waist, ignoring the internal pang brought on by the mention of Dr. Simons, as he also felt the usual pain move through his fingers and hands. "I will. I'm pretty sure I know what he's going to say though."

Penny laid her head on Soda's chest. "You're going to heal more, Sodapop. It'll take time. But you will."

Soda wrapped his other arm around Penny to embrace her, the gold locket pressing against his shirt, just below his own heart. "I hope so." But I don't know, he thought. I might run out of time.


"It's just weird, Superman. He was acting way too normal this morning. I haven't been able to get any of it out of my head."

Darry nodded along with Steve, finding relief in the shared concern. "I couldn't stop looking at him earlier. I know it bugs him, but I couldn't stop myself."

Steve leaned his head back on the porch swing, his eyes closing. "I'm so tired that I feel like last night wasn't even real. And it bothers me to feel this way because shouldn't I just be glad he seems better?"

"It's kind of hard to be glad about anything when you've got reason to believe something's not right. You know even better than I do this wasn't just a bad night he could bounce back from that fast."

Steve opened his eyes, but kept his head on the swing. "I should tell you something, Darry. Cause me and Soda did talk about even more last night. He was thinking about specific things that he could do to hurt himself."

"Did he tell you what?"

"Yeah."

Darry waited for Steve to continue, letting a few moments pass by in silence, before he touched his friend's shoulder. "Steve? This is something I need to know."

"But it's my fault. It's Soda. He's not supposed to think of doing this."

"Your fault? How the hell do you get that?"

"Cause he said he's thought about overdosing."

"That's not your fault."

"But it's what I did, Darry. He even said he could take something that he knows would make him fall asleep. You know why? Because the pain pills I took didn't do that. Soda knows they just made me sick."

"That doesn't mean he's thinking of this because of you."

"I poured it out, Superman."

"Poured what out?"

"The cough syrup in the medicine cabinet. Cause I know Soda's taken it before, and it made him drowsy."

"Okay."

"He also said he thought about going so deep in water, he can't get back up in time to breathe."

Darry, still processing what Steve was saying, looked over at the younger man to see his eyes had closed again. "Don't blame yourself, okay? You know how I look at it?"

Steve swallowed the lump in his throat, trying to choke back the emotions that made his eyes well with tears. "How?"

Darry squeezed Steve's shoulder. "Soda knows what you did, and that's why he'll tell you everything he's feeling. He'll tell you what he's thinking cause he knows you understand."

"I told him that too. I told him I understand better than anybody can cause he felt bad for scaring me. But it feels terrible to me to know he could think of overdosing too. It's like I put that idea in his head."

"But he didn't say he was planning to do it, right?"

"No. I asked again." Because I know how fast that can change, Steve thought. "I'm really hoping it helped him to say that stuff outloud." And I'm praying that being so honest and real breaks the power.


"Yeah. I had a good time with Penny tonight. We don't even really have to do anything, you know? I just like being with her."

Steve looked at Soda's face, as he listened to him, unable to refrain from imagining what was happening inside his best friend's head. "I know you do, man."

Soda looked down at his socked feet that rested on the porch, feeling the coolness of the concrete press into his soles and toes. "I've never cared about another girl the way I care about Penny. I want her to have everything good in the world." His gaze drifted back up to look at Steve. "You should go home, buddy. I know you're here cause you want to make sure I'm okay."

"Gee, Sodapop, I just can't imagine why that would be." Steve felt himself cringe inside at his own sarcasm, before starting to apologize. "Sorry, man, I-"

Soda only chuckled and tossed his arm over Steve's shoulders. "Don't, man. It's kind of nice to hear your smartass self."

"Oh yeah? Cause more of that can be arranged, you know."

"I bet it can. Seriously, you can go home, Stevie. I'm fine."

"Yeah, and I was born yesterday right after hell froze over."

Soda laughed, giving Steve's shoulders a squeeze. "Okay. I get it. You don't believe me."

"No shit, Sodapop. That couldn't be any clearer if my head turned into a crystal ball right now."

"Yeah. I wouldn't believe me if I were you either."

"Damn straight. I know you wouldn't."

"Really, Steve. I promise I'll be okay tonight. I won't do anything. Can you at least believe that?"

Steve sighed, as he squeezed Soda's shoulder. "Yeah. I can."

"I'll see you in the morning, I swear."

"Promise me one more thing?"

"Sure."

"If you start feeling as bad as you did last night again, don't be alone."

"Okay. I won't."

Steve put his arms around Soda, hugging him. "Damn it, man. I'm so worried about you. And I don't know what else to do, except keep giving you hugs and reminding you I'm here."

Soda returned the embrace, burying his face in Steve's shoulder. "You can keep being a smartass and making me laugh too."

Steve smiled, reluctant to release Soda. "Yeah. I sure can do that."

"It feels good to laugh."

"I know, buddy. It's good for you too. You need that."

"But it almost makes me want to cry too. Like it hurts somehow."

Steve could hear the tears in Soda's voice, now even more reluctant to let him go. "Whether you laugh or cry, my ass will be right here. Hell, you can do both at the same time, and you'll still be stuck with me."

Soda felt himself laugh a little bit. "Good. Cause I think I am doing both at the same time. I'm going crazy, man."

"Eh, just a bit." Steve pulled away and looked at his car that was parked in the driveway, then at his best friend. "I'll see you tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah. I'll be over before church."

Steve took his car keys out of his pants pocket, hesitating for a moment, before he got to his feet.

Soda stood up too, staying beside Steve, as he gave him a reassuring smile. "I'll be fine tonight, Stevie. I promise. I'll see you in the morning."


The much-wanted heartbeat flew up to Heaven, angelic arms cradling the life that never got to be.