The fog of grief moved along in the shadows around them, bringing with it the power to put asunder and the draw to pull together.
Steve's eyes scanned the sanctuary, as he sat down on the pew beside Soda."This is weird. I've never been here without him."
Nicholas' mind echoed the same sentiment, as he took his seat on Steve's other side. "I know. Samuel's always here. I hope everything's all right."
Samuel held Vivian's hand, as he stood at her bedside and spoke to the attending doctor. "She started bleeding a lot early this morning too."
Vivian fought back tears, yet another cramp moving through her back and stomach, the pain reverberating in her body. "It hurts. Something's not right. I can feel it."
Steve opened his Bible to Psalm 51, as Pastor David was beginning the morning's sermon. He looked at Soda out of the corner of his eye, his voice quiet. "Hey, you okay, buddy?"
Soda felt Steve's hand on his shoulder, as he touched the open Bible's pages. "Yeah. I'm okay."
Steve still watched the expression on Soda's face, as he listened to Pastor David read the verses of the Psalm: "Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from thy presence, and take not thy holy Spirit from me."
Soda stared at the words on the page, a prayer forming deep down in his soul, as he read the last verse the pastor was focusing on today: "The sacrifice acceptable to God is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, thou wilt not despise."
The cool gel covered Vivian's skin, the wand moving over her belly. The sonogram display showed a grainy image that held within it the silhouette of a baby, though the sound of a beating heart was nowhere to be found.
"Yeah. He never misses church. It makes me think there's something going on. I just talked to him yesterday though."
Audrey nodded along with Nicholas' words, as she reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze. "David and Grace also haven't heard from either of them today. I hope nothing is wrong."
Nicholas felt the concern radiate through him, remembering how Samuel had cried the day before. "Me too. But, honestly, I'm worried."
Samuel remained at Vivian's side, his arms wrapped around her. He held her tight, as grief closed in on her heart. "I love you, honey. I love you so much."
Vivian breathed through the physical pain she suffered, vaguely aware of Samuel's hold on her, as she cried. Shock moved in waves, despair flowing along with it. "Don't make me wait, Samuel. Please. I want it to be over."
Samuel spoke through the numbness that had rendered his eyes dry. "Okay, honey. The doctor already said they're going to do the procedure because you're bleeding so much. Then, you'll go home soon." To do what? he thought. See all the baby stuff in the house? "Shh. I'm here, sweetheart." He closed his eyes, a canvas of emotions painting itself on his soul. Mourn this child and have faith in the God, who took our baby from us, before we even had a chance?
"Hey, so what do we do, while my dad's over there fawning over Audrey?"
Soda heard Steve's voice, as he sat down on the altar, the mask he'd been trying to create falling into a tenuous place. "Steve, I think- I think I need..."
Steve stole one last glance at Nicholas and Audrey, before he lowered himself down beside Soda. "You need what, buddy?"
"Those Bible verses today, I don't know if I really get them, you know? But they sound like me."
"How do you mean?"
"That guy, David, the one in the Bible. He was saying he felt bad cause of what he did, right? And he was telling God about it?"
"Yeah. Pretty much."
"He said his heart was broken."
Steve laid his hand on Soda's back, able to hear the sadness making its way into his best friend's voice. "Yeah."
"That's how I feel, Stevie. Like my spirit is broken."
"But you know it's different and not cause of anything you did, right?"
"No. I don't know that."
"Sodapop, please listen, man. I know you've been dealing with a lot of guilt, but it's not cause you've done anything wrong."
"Then, why is it there? What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you, man. Hey, you know all about the guilt I've gone through. And it wasn't cause I did anything bad, right?"
"No. You didn't. You felt bad for a lot, but none of it was your fault."
"Yeah. The guilt was just a feeling that was there because I was hurting and couldn't control it or fix it. I think blaming myself was a way to cope. Sometimes, it still is. I know you've seen that in me."
"I guess. I'm just not sure what to do with it, you know? And I need God to fix my spirit. I mean, I pray and tell him stuff, but I don't know how to pray like that."
"Like what?"
"Like in the Psalm. With the fancy words and all."
"But you don't have to, buddy. You know that. You just talk to him. Tell him what you told me. You know what else? Maybe the verses sound fancy, but that's not what's important about the prayer. That's not the point of it. Neither is the guilt David felt."
"Then, what is the point?"
"Just like you said. That he's praying about how he's feeling. He's being honest and laying his heart out there for God to see."
Samuel held Vivian's hand, while the anesthesia flowed from the IV into her veins, making her eyes close. He kissed his wife on the cheek, as she fell into unconsciousness, then squeezed her hand, before slowly letting go and slipping out of the room.
Samuel had only just made it around the corner, before his knees hit the floor. "God, how could you? How could you do this to us? To Vivian? I know I don't deserve to be a dad, but she should be a mom. There's nothing she wants more in the world, and you took our baby. You already have Matthew. So why? Why did you do this?"
"Sorry, Dad. I've just been pretty distracted."
Nicholas chewed the last bite of his sandwich, as he followed Steve's gaze, seeing Soda outside in the backyard. "It's okay, Son. I just couldn't help but notice you didn't try to embarrass me in front of Audrey today."
Steve chuckled, eating more of his own sandwich. "I don't even gotta try. It's way too easy."
"So do you think Sodapop is better than he was? He still doesn't seem like himself. I'm worried about him too."
"I don't know. He'll say he's fine, but then talk more about stuff that tells me he's really not. But I already know that anyway. He knows it too cause I told him."
"What kind of stuff?"
"Not like the other night. Just about hurting and being sad."
Nicholas reached for Steve's arm, as he saw him start to get up. "Are you okay, Son?"
"Yeah. I'm okay, Dad. I'm not losing it or anything like that. I'm holding myself together better than I would've thought."
"All right. Just keep letting me know when you need me, and I'll be there every time. For you. And for Sodapop too."
Don't think about it.
Don't think about what's happening in there.
Don't think about how they're scraping out and suctioning what's left.
Emptying the womb. Tissue. Products of conception.
The remains.
The remains of our dead baby.
"Hey, Steve-O, you should make one of them speeches at graduation."
Steve heard the faint sound of the telephone ringing, as he raised an eyebrow at TwoBit's suggestion. "Me? Make a speech? Why the hell would I do that?"
Soda smiled at the thought, looking over at his best friend. "Yeah. You should, Stevie. You'd look real tuff up there talking to everybody."
Steve shook his head at the idea. "But I've got nothing to say." He heard the back door open and looked to see Nicholas standing there, a serious expression on his face. "Hey, Dad. Something wrong?"
Nicholas played the phone call back in his mind, certain he'd never forget the sound of his friend's voice. "That was Samuel on the phone just now. He's at the hospital with Vivian. He didn't say much, and I couldn't understand everything. But it sounds like she lost the baby."
This is all my fault.
Because I was so scared.
So selfish.
God took the baby from her because of me.
Samuel felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up to see Nicholas at his side. "Hey. God, I can't do this. I can't."
Nicholas sat down in the chair beside Samuel, seeing the unmistakable signs of grief shining all over the preacher's face. "What happened? How's Vivian doing?"
"I just saw her, but she- she's still asleep from the anesthesia. The baby's gone, Nicholas. She miscarried."
"I'm sorry. So sorry."
"They did an ultrasound cause she was bleeding and hurting. But there was no heartbeat."
"So what did they do then? Why did she get anesthesia?"
"The miscarriage, it wasn't finished. The baby was dead and still inside her. She could have possibly waited for everything to happen naturally, but she was bleeding so much, the doctor didn't think it would be a good idea. She didn't want to go through that anyway. So they put her to sleep and..."
Nicholas listened to Samuel's words trail off and filled in the blanks of what his friend was unable to say, as he wrapped his arms around him. "I'm so sorry."
Samuel cried into Nicholas' shoulder, numbness giving way to tears that seemed endless. "It's because I didn't have faith. I kept doubting God, so he took the baby."
"No. That's not why. Please don't blame yourself."
"Then, why? Why did God do this? Tell me why!" Samuel pulled away from Nicholas and got to his feet, pacing the carpet of the waiting area. "He's good. God is good. So for him to do this, I must've done something. Vivian's good, and she always has faith. So it must be me!"
Nicholas saw Samuel stop pacing and lean on the wall, then stood up to go to his friend's side. "Samuel, it's no one's fault. Not hers. Not yours. It just happened."
"But you can't tell me why, can you?"
"No. Because I don't know. But I do know-"
"How can you know it's not my fault then? I've been so upset with God, so maybe he changed his mind. Or maybe he knows I would've let something happen to this child too!"
Nicholas pulled Samuel into another hug, determined not to let him go this time. "No. You love God, Samuel. I know you do. And he loves you too. You know he understands everything you were feeling about having another baby. He understands how much you miss Matthew and how hard you struggle with the guilt over his death. He didn't let this happen because of anything you've felt lately. It didn't happen because of you at all."
"I was scared. I was so scared of being a dad again."
"I know. But that's not why. You and I both know there aren't always answers to these questions. But God didn't take the baby because you've been scared."
"Now, I'd give anything to go back to that. To thinking about being a dad and holding a baby. Watching Vivian be a mom." Samuel clutched Nicholas, anger fading into the rolling waves of sadness that were pulling him under. "I'd give anything for her not to be going through this. Cause even if I feel like I deserve the pain, she sure doesn't."
"Well, I'll catch ya'll later."
Soda waved to TwoBit, as his friend made his way toward the Randles' back gate. "All right, man. Take care."
TwoBit unlocked the gate and pushed it open. "Care? I'm too busy having fun for that, Sodapop. Come on. You know better." He shot Soda a smile, before looking toward Steve.
"Bye, Steve-O. I'll see you at school tomorrow."
Steve leaned on the porch railing, giving TwoBit a nod. "Yeah. All right, man. See you tomorrow."
Soda waved one more time, watching TwoBit head down the sidewalk, his gaze not leaving his friend until after he had turned the corner. He then looked over at Steve. "You all right, Stevie?"
Steve met Soda's eyes, before he snapped out a reply. "Hell, no, I'm not all right. Do I look all right to you?"
"I'm sorry. I was just asking. I didn't mean-"
"You didn't mean what, Sodapop? I'm over here wondering if you're still thinking about some way to kill yourself, and now, I'm worried about Samuel too."
"I was just going to say I didn't mean you should be all right."
Steve turned away from Soda, closing his eyes. Breathe, he told himself. Don't lash out at him. He doesn't need that.
"Steve? I'm sorry."
Steve felt Soda's hand on his shoulder, his eyes still closed. You know what all that guilt is like, he told himself. You want him to keep being honest with you. Don't hurt him more, or he might stop telling the truth.
Soda let his hand fall from Steve's shoulder, before backing away from him to sit down on the porch steps.
Steve let out a breath, as he opened his eyes, then turned his head to see Soda. "Sorry for snapping at you, man. I know you were just asking. Don't feel bad about it."
Soda nodded, knowing what would happen if he tried to speak.
Steve went to sit beside Soda, settling an arm around his best friend's shoulders. "So you think I should give a speech, huh?"
Soda grinned, his emotion beginning to recede. "Yeah. I don't know why. I can just picture it though."
"I think it sounds scary as hell."
"You'd just have to imagine everyone is in their underwear."
"Why would I do that?"
"It's supposed to make you not feel as nervous."
"I think it'd just make me start laughing. I know TwoBit was just talking when he said it, but what do you think I'd have to say?"
"I don't know. I guess I'm just proud of you for making it, so it sounds tuff."
"Thanks, buddy. That means a lot coming from you." Steve gave Soda's shoulders a squeeze, still keeping his arm around him. "So are we okay then? I don't want you to stop telling me stuff."
"Yeah. Of course we're good, Stevie. I ain't going to stop telling you stuff."
"Okay." Steve gave Soda one more squeeze, before letting his arm drop to his side, as his gaze wondered to the view of the street. "I hope my dad gets back soon. I want to know how Samuel's doing and what the hell happened with his wife. I can't imagine, you know? They already lost one kid, and even though this one wasn't born yet, they just lost another one."
"I've heard Samuel talk about his son at church before, but what happened to him? He's never said."
"Samuel's told me a lot about what he went through after, but he's never told me the whole story. He did tell my dad though. His son drowned."
Vivian's eyes slowly opened to see Samuel at her bedside.
Samuel stroked his wife's cheek. "Hi, sweetheart. You can rest here as long as you need to."
"We lost our baby, Samuel. We lost it."
Samuel put his hand over Vivian's intertwining their fingers. "I know. I'm so sorry."
"But I was doing everything right. I was taking care of myself. Why did the baby die?"
"I don't- I don't know, honey. But you did do everything right. It was nothing you did. It just happened."
"When can you take me home?"
"Tomorrow. So you need to rest for a while first."
Vivian's eyes started to drift closed. "Stay?"
"Of course I'm staying." Samuel put his other hand on Vivian's forehead, then stroked her hair. "I'm not going anywhere."
"Sodapop? What is it, man?"
Soda heard Steve speaking to him within the swirling thoughts that were pulling him back to the conversation he'd had with Samuel. "Steve, I didn't know. I didn't know."
Steve laid his hand on Soda's shoulder, searching his friend's eyes. "You didn't know what?"
"I didn't know his son drowned."
"I know you didn't. That's why you just asked me what happened."
"I had no idea. I swear."
"Cause no one ever told you."
"But, Stevie, the other day, I told Samuel about holding my head under the water. He lost his little boy like that, and I was telling him I wanted to go under and never come up again."
"Calm down, buddy. You didn't know. Just like you were saying."
"I even told him it felt good to be in the water like that and how it started to hurt, so I had to come up. He said I didn't drown because my body will fight to stay alive any way it can."
"He's right, man."
"But he must've been thinking of his kid, and I was telling him I wanted to drown."
"You didn't know that, buddy."
"I just wanted to tell somebody cause I got scared of what else I could do."
"It's Samuel, man, so he would've wanted you to talk to him, no matter what."
"I didn't think I'd ever be able to tell you or Darry. He told me I didn't have to tell ya'll everything, just to remember that I can cause you wouldn't be mad at me. He said I should let you guys be there for me completely."
"Looks like you listened to him then. Cause you are doing that."
"Samuel's a really good guy. He's been through a lot of shit too. I sure hope I didn't hurt him."
"Thanks for coming, Nicholas. Please pray for Vivian. She needs it."
Nicholas looked at Samuel, as he touched his shoulder, still able to see the sadness on his friend's face. "I will. And I'll be praying for you too."
Samuel's eyes avoided Nicholas', drifting down the hall to Vivian's room. "She told me she was doing everything right. She was taking care of herself."
Nicholas only listened silently, realizing there was nothing he could say in this moment.
"She asked me why the baby died. I told her I don't know. It just happened."
Nicholas rubbed Samuel's shoulder, as he bowed his head, a quiet prayer leaving his lips. "God, please help them through this. Comfort them somehow."
Samuel's gaze shifted from the hallway back to Nicholas. "I told her that, but it made me feel like I wasn't telling the truth. It made me feel like I was lying to my wife."
"Hey, no cheating allowed, man. I saw you slip that ace in your sock!"
Soda feigned disbelief at Steve's accusation. "Ace? In my sock? I wouldn't do that, Stevie!"
Steve couldn't help laughing, as he reached for the card tucked inside the sock on Soda's right foot. "The hell you wouldn't!"
"Hey, it must've been the poker fairy again!"
"Or maybe another one of the tooth fairy's cousins. Next thing you know, there will be another card stuffed up your-" Steve stopped when he saw Nicholas step inside the house. "Dad, what happened? How's Samuel?"
Nicholas tossed his car keys on the counter, before joining Soda and Steve in the living room. "Vivian had a miscarriage. She's staying overnight at the hospital. Samuel is- He's not doing great."
Steve set his hand of cards down on the floor. "I'm sorry that happened. Is he...okay? Is she?"
Nicholas sighed, his mind going back to Samuel's words of grief that carried such guilt within them. "He's trying to cope. Vivian is doing all right physically. She just needs time to recover."
Steve looked over at Soda, then back at Nicholas. "What can we say to them, Dad? It's terrible. I mean, they lost a baby. And Samuel, he's always there for me when I need him. So what do we do?"
Nicholas felt the warmth of the sentiment his son had spoken wash over his heart, as he formed a response. "We make sure we're there for him too, Son. Both of them. So even if we don't say anything, we listen. We listen and we pray."
"God, can you fix my spirit? Steve says I didn't do anything wrong, but I always feel like I did. I should be happy, right? I'm supposed to be. But I'm not. I'm sorry for that, God. Can you please forgive me?"
Samuel stared at Vivian, who remained sound asleep, her body soaking in the needed physical rest. "I love you so much, honey. I hope I can help you get through this. I hope I can be enough."
He looked up, his eyes gazing toward the God he knew and still loved in the midst of questions and turmoil. "God, I'm sorry for being angry at you. I don't even feel like I should ask you for anything right now either. But I know you're listening. So please help Vivian. She's hurting, and I can't make it go away."
Samuel reached out and rested his hand on his wife's arm. "I can't bring the baby back. Or stop her from hurting. No matter how much I sit here and blame myself. But please, God, help her find some peace and heal."
"I asked him, Stevie. I asked him to do it."
Steve sat on the floor of his bedroom, breaking out of his own thoughts to look at Soda. "Huh? You asked who to do what?"
Soda crossed his legs over the carpeted floor, as he looked down at it. "God. What we were talking about earlier. I asked him to fix my spirit."
"Oh."
"And I asked him to forgive me."
"God doesn't think you did anything wrong either, buddy."
"I still thought maybe it would help, you know? Since I feel like that. Cause I keep thinking I should be happy. I shouldn't be thinking the things that I am."
"He gets it, man. He ain't lookin' down at you, thinking you're doing something bad cause of how you're feeling. That's not what God does. He loves us. He loves you."
"I know he does."
"And he heard you. I know he did. Cause that's what he's there for. You've told me that before too."
"I just hope he listens. I really need him to listen." Soda looked up, his eyes meeting Steve's. "Would you ask him for me too? I mean, right now?"
"Of course I will." Steve scooted closer to Soda, laying a hand on his best friend's back.
Soda let his head rest on Steve's shoulder, his eyes closing.
Steve stared at Soda for a moment, the words of a prayer coming together in his mind, before he closed his own eyes. "God, you see Soda here with me, and I know you're here with us too." He opened one eye, peeking at his best friend. He reached for his hand, squeezing it, as he continued to pray. "You see what's inside him, what he's thinking and feeling. He's bringing that to you, God. So please take this guilt away. Make his heart stop hurting so much." Steve paused, his own heart reflecting back on how he'd once felt, before moving on to all Soda had confided in him over the past couple of days. "I think I know what Soda means about his spirit being broken. I know that feeling. It scares me, God. It scares me more than anything for him to feel like that and to think the way he has been."
"I'm sorry, Stevie. I'm so sorry."
Steve opened his eyes, as he squeezed Soda's hand once more. "No, buddy. Don't. Don't do that. Okay? It's all right." When Soda didn't say anything else, he prayed again, his gaze moving up. "So please heal everything that's hurting and making him have these thoughts. I know you can do it. So please do whatever he needs. Bring Soda out of this darkness and fix his spirit." Steve looked over at his best friend, noticing Soda's stillness within the atmosphere of prayer, as he pictured God reaching down to touch him. "Please, God, heal what's broken, and fix his heart."
A hand touched her head, pulling away once it felt the heat that radiated from her skin. She didn't open her eyes, as she heard the voices around her, then felt another hand press against her forehead and cheeks.
She sighed at the coolness of the touches, finding they were soothing, as she fell back into a deep sleep, slumber a blessed escape from both the burn sending shivers through her body and the grief brought on by an incomprehensible loss.
