Panic threaded its way among them, leaving anger and tears in its wake.
"Ponyboy! What the hell is going on? Why are you here?"
Pony ignored the obvious fear in Steve's voice, as he pushed his way through the Randles' now-open door. "You told me Soda would be okay! Guess what? He's not! Oh, wait. You already know all about it cause who else would he tell?"
Steve felt his heart pounding, his mind jumping to the worst scenario, as Pony's words and visible tears hit him like a freight train. "What are you talking about, Kid? What do you mean he's not okay?"
Nicholas came from the living room, having heard both Pony's yelling and the clear alarm in Steve's voice. "Ponyboy, try to calm down. Okay? Calm down, take a seat, and tell us what's going on."
Pony took deep breaths, still seeing red, as he sat down in one of the kitchen chairs. "Soda was saying stuff. The kind of stuff I thought I didn't have to worry about cause Steve told me he's doing what he needs to do."
Steve felt tears prick his eyes, as relief flooded him. "Damn it, Kid. You scared me to death, showing up and saying he's not okay."
Nicholas reached for Steve's shoulder, squeezing it, as he guided him to sit down across from Pony. "It's all right, Son. That's not what he meant."
Steve studied Pony's expression, uncertain about what he saw there. "Spill it, Kid. What happened? What did Soda say?"
Pony hung his head, his brother's words going over and over in his mind. "He said- He said he feels like doesn't want to live and that it doesn't sound so bad to die."
Steve closed his eyes for a few moments, as he felt Nicholas sit down near him. "He said that to you?"
Pony shook his head. "No. Not to me. To Darry. They were talking in Soda's room, and I heard them. I had just gotten out of the shower, and they didn't know I was there."
Steve finally noticed the rest of Pony's physical appearance that included damp hair and bare feet to go along with his plaid sleep pants and a thin white t-shirt. "So you heard that, then just took off?"
Pony looked down, avoiding Steve's curious gaze. "Um, no. I didn't. Maybe I should have."
Steve stared at Pony, noticing when he averted his eyes. "What did you do then, Kid?"
Pony's guilt started to envelope him, as he recalled the look on Soda's face. "I yelled at him, Steve. I grabbed him and shook him. Cause I got mad and scared and..."
Steve looked over at Nicholas, meeting his dad's eyes for a second in an effort to stay calm. "That's the last thing Soda needs, Ponyboy. What did you say to him?"
Pony felt his tears start up again, but he wiped them away, as they tried to fall. "I asked him how he could say stuff like that. Cause I love him, and he knows what it's like to lose people. I asked him if he's thought about what it would do to us."
Steve abruptly stood up from his chair, nearly knocking it over. "You can't fuckin' guilt him right now, Kid. He's got enough of that going on."
Pony also got to his feet, his fists clenching. "I wasn't trying to guilt him, Steve. I just don't want him to be thinking that way."
Steve drew close to Pony and gripped the sleeve of his shirt. "And do you think he wants to think that way? Do you believe Soda wants to feel the pain that's making him say stuff like that? Hell, no, Ponyboy!"
Nicholas got up from his chair and put his hands on each of Steve's shoulders. "I think you need to relax, Son. It's okay."
Pony's fists remained clenched, even as Steve let him go and took a few steps back. "Of course I don't believe that! But you said we should all make sure he knows we love him, and that's what we do. So if he can still feel that bad, what now? What can I do to stop him from doing what you did? He told me the other day he'd never try to kill himself, but I sure don't believe that now."
Steve went and grabbed his shoes, then sat down to put them on his feet. "I'll tell you where you can start. You're going to apologize to Soda." He tied the last lace, then stood back up, looking straight at Pony. "Cause yelling at him about how he feels and running off sure ain't the way to show you love him. You're walking back to your house with me, and you're going to talk to your brother."
"You should've let me go after him, Darry. It's my fault he ran off."
Darry stayed close to Soda's side, needing his presence. "No, it's not, little buddy. I want you to talk to me. Besides, he'll be back."
Soda leaned against the couch cushions, resting his head. "Pony ain't ever yelled at me like that before."
"I know. But he's just scared."
"Why can't I stop hurting everyone, Dar?"
Darry brushed his fingers through Soda's hair, the pain in his little brother's voice nearly unbearable. "You aren't hurting anyone. That's not what's happening, Pepsi Cola."
"Then, what is happening? Steve says there's nothing wrong with me, but I think there is. I think there's a lot wrong with me."
Darry kissed Soda's forehead, then pulled him closer to hold him. "You're hurting a lot and trying to sort through it and unravel it. You aren't hurting us, but we hurt with you because we love you. Pony's been through a lot. He's still just a kid, and the kind of feelings you're having are more than he can handle."
"I'm sorry. I didn't want him to hear anything like that. He wasn't supposed to."
"I know. But don't be sorry. Like I said, I want you to talk to me. Pony loves you to pieces, and he's gotten to be pretty perceptive anyway, so keeping anything from him is damn near impossible."
"At first, I just heard him talking about the shooting. And I guess I kept standing there cause Soda hasn't been telling me a whole lot lately. And I knew ya'll were keeping something from me this weekend."
Steve walked beside Pony, both of them following the path to the Curtis' house. "Well, if he does decide to tell you stuff, you can't lose your shit like that, Kid."
Pony scowled at Steve, his bare feet moving along the concrete. "Oh, like you've never snapped at Soda."
"Not the way you told me you did, and I sure as hell haven't yelled at him for hurting. Or decided to split, instead of making things right if I do get snappy."
"You didn't deny it either."
"I didn't deny what?"
"That ya'll were keeping something from me all weekend. I said it to Darry too, right before I left. Soda's been feeling like this, and that's why he was barely around Friday night. Am I right?"
"Something like that, Kid."
"I asked Darry if I'm just supposed to listen to Soda saying stuff like that, if that's what ya'll did this weekend. He told me that's what Soda needs. So is it what you did?"
"I listened to Soda talk about a lot, Pony, so yeah."
"That's why you two were holed up in his room all that night."
"He didn't do all the talking, but yeah, it is. Darry's right. That is what he needs." Steve saw the Curtis' house come into view, as they rounded the corner. "It's hard enough to talk too, so the worst thing you can do is lose your shit and shut him down."
"Hey, Superman, I brought your brother back."
Darry looked up at the the unusually quiet sound of Steve's voice. "You did? Pony went to your house?"
Steve held the front door open, sticking his head inside. "Yeah. He did. He told me what happened. Is Soda okay?"
Darry made his way over to Steve, looking out to see Pony standing beside his truck. "I don't know. He got pretty upset, but of course he did." He nodded toward where he'd left his middle brother. "He's over there on the couch. He wouldn't go to bed til Pony came home, but I think he dozed off."
Steve stepped inside, then felt Darry's hand on his shoulder.
"Thank you for looking after Pony."
"Of course, Superman. He sure scared the shit out of me showing up like that."
"I bet. It's not every night he takes off to your house." Darry patted Steve's shoulder, before stepping outside.
Steve watched Darry make his way toward Pony, before he went to check on Soda. He saw his best friend stretched out on the couch, his face pressed into the cushions. "Hey, buddy. Pony's home."
Soda turned over, as Steve sat on the edge of the couch. "Huh? He was with you?"
"Yeah. Who'd have thought the kid would come running to me?"
"He told you what happened?"
"He did. Even the parts he knew would piss me off."
Soda sat up, rubbing his eyes that remained tired from both recent sleep and tears. "Where is he? Is he pissed at me?"
"Nah. He did some yelling over at my house too, but I don't think he's mad at anybody. More like scared and sad. He's outside with Darry."
"I didn't mean for him to hear me, Stevie."
"I know that."
"Me and Darry hated it when he ran off."
"Of course you did. Kid got in an awful lot of trouble last time he did it."
"It ain't that late, but still. I wanted to go after him, but Darry wouldn't let go of me."
"Well, the kid can outrun you, and it's not like you would've checked my house. Besides, you were upset, and running all over wouldn't help." Steve heard the front door open and looked to see Pony and Darry coming inside, then squeezed Soda's shoulder. "I'm going to head home again, buddy. You two will patch things up."
Soda nodded at Steve, as he got up to leave. "Okay. I'll see you tomorrow."
Steve paused beside Pony, also giving his shoulder a squeeze. "See you later, Kid."
Darry watched Steve go out the front door, then led Pony over to Soda, noticing how his two brothers silently stared at each other.
Pony spoke first, as he hesitantly sat down beside Soda. "I'm sorry. I know I must've hurt you, and I never, ever want to do that."
Soda looked away from Pony, his eyes dropping to his lap. "I'm sorry too. I know it hurt you to hear me say that stuff."
Pony glanced at Darry, before he reached out to Soda and held his hand, even as the middle brother still didn't look at him. "I shouldn't have yelled at you, Soda. Or said anything that could make you feel bad. Especially not when I know you already do." Pony leaned to see Soda's face, giving him a grin. "And I ain't just saying sorry cause Steve got on my case either. I mean it."
Darry moved to Soda's other side and put his hand on his back. "You listening, little buddy?"
Soda nodded, squeezing Pony's hand with his own, before letting go. "Yeah. It's okay, Pone. I ain't mad at you." He got up off the couch, his back to his brothers, as he spoke. "I'm going to bed, ya'll. I love you. Good night."
"Vivian has to be right, God. We have to get through it together. What other choice do we have?"
Shaking hands opened the medicine cabinet.
"I really didn't want to leave. I never do lately. But they needed to talk. Maybe I don't even have to say this, but please pray for him, Dad. Please pray for Soda."
Brown eyes scanned the narrow shelves, the relief they sought not found.
"Night, Pone. Everything's going to be all right. I promise I'm not just saying that. Soda's going to get through this."
Still-shaking hands closed the medicine cabinet.
"I will, Son. Trust me. I already have been praying for him."
Hands needing comfort gripped the pillow, soaking it with tears. "I'm sorry, God. I wasn't going to do it. I just don't want to feel like this anymore."
The sound of sobbing drifted through to the other side of Soda's bedroom door.
Darry opened it quietly and looked through the darkness to see his middle brother shaking beneath the covers of his bed. "Hey, little buddy. I thought you'd gone to sleep."
Soda tried to choke back his cries, as he burrowed further under his blanket. "I tried. But I- I couldn't."
Darry crossed the room and sat down beside Soda, feeling the fresh night air from his open window. He put his arm around his brother's form that he could still see trembling underneath the blanket. "Shh. I know it's been a hard night, Pepsi Cola."
Soda pulled one arm out from under the blanket and held onto Darry's. "Please stay in here tonight, Dar. Don't leave me alone."
Darry lifted his legs onto the bed, then laid his head on the pillow beside Soda's. "I won't, little buddy." Anything I can do to help you, I will, he thought. "I'm here." You're never alone. "I'm staying right here beside you."
"We really don't have another choice, do we, God?"
The watch dangled in front of Steve's eyes, its chain making it swing, like a pendulum, before he reached out and grabbed it. "What the hell, TwoBit?"
TwoBit took the watch from Steve and looked down at it, as he chuckled. "I don't know, man. Thought maybe I could hypnotize you."
"Where'd you get that anyway? Swipe it from a Soc?"
"Nah. It ain't that nice. Found it in a drawer at home. I guess it must've belonged to my old man."
"Oh."
"It's funny. I wasn't worth his time, but now, I've got his watch." TwoBit held the watch in front of Steve's face again, making it swing. "You're getting sleepy. Very sleepy."
"If you don't quit that, you're going to be very sleepy all right."
"But it'll help you relax, Steve-O."
"Keep it up, and I'll show you how to relax."
TwoBit laughed, then slipped the watch into his pocket. "You ain't got time for that, huh?"
"Nobody does, you goofball."
"I do. I've got all the time in the world."
"Oh. Hey, Nicholas. I didn't know you were coming."
Nicholas stepped back from the door, as Samuel came out onto the porch. "I'm on lunch break and just wanted to see how Vivian is. You too."
Samuel sat down in one of the rocking chairs, taking a moment to ponder his response.
Nicholas sat in the other rocking chair, watching his friend. "I'm not expecting you to tell me you're fine."
"That would be a big lie, wouldn't it? I brought Vivian home a couple of hours ago. She ran a fever yesterday, which really scared me. But the medicine brought it down, and it didn't spike again after she got some antibiotics too. She's still very tired, but the doctor says that's normal."
"What about you then?"
"I've been talking to God a lot. Telling him everything I'm thinking."
"That always helps. I still remember you telling me he can handle anything we have to say."
"Yeah. I remember that too."
Nicholas let silence fall over them for a few seconds, the need to reach out to his friend somehow becoming greater. "I remember something else you've told me too."
"What's that?"
"That when you and Vivian lost Matthew, blaming yourself couldn't bring him back. Taking on that guilt didn't control the pain you felt, and it didn't make her hurt any less either. The same is true now too."
"Hey, Stevie, what are you doing here?"
Steve closed his driver's side door, before joining Soda over by the Chevy. "What? I can't come see my best buddy at lunch time?"
Soda looked down, his eyes meeting the pavement of the DX parking lot. "No. Of course you can. I didn't mean-"
"Sodapop, I was kidding, man."
"I know."
"Have you eaten yet?"
"No. I just punched out. I don't- I don't know if I feel like eating anything."
"Damn. I don't think I've ever heard you say that at lunch before."
"Probably not."
"But you need to have something. So let's go to your place and raid the fridge."
Vivian wound up the mobile's music box, a new batch of tears filling her eyes, as she sang along with the tune: "Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are. Up above the world so high, like a diamond in in the sky. Twinkle, twinkle, little star. How I wonder what you are."
"It might help if you eat just a little bit, man."
Soda took Steve's advice, eating small bites of the sandwich in front of him. "My stomach's just not feeling great."
Steve spread mayonnaise on bread, then added a slice of bologna. "Yeah. I can tell."
Soda took a few more bites of the sandwich and was about to speak again when the phone rang. He got up and answered it, the voice on the line making him remember what day it was. "Oh. Hey, Doc. Yeah. This is Sodapop."
Steve's ears perked up, listening, and watching the expression on Soda's face, as he continued to eat his lunch.
"Yeah. Okay. Thanks. I'll see you then."
Steve saw Soda hang up the phone. "Hey, man. What did he say?"
Soda started to reply, only to cover his mouth, then turn and bolt away.
Steve finished chewing and swallowing his food, then followed after Soda, finding him in the bathroom, the door wide open.
Soda was on his knees in front of the toilet, his stomach continuously heaving.
Steve knelt beside Soda, a hand on his back, even as he himself cringed at the sound of vomiting.
Soda's stomach heaved one more time, as it finished emptying itself. He rested folded arms on the toilet seat, his face hidden in them. "Man, Pony ain't going to be the only one who hates bologna now."
Steve rubbed Soda's back for a moment, then was careful not to look down, as he moved to flush the toilet. "I might not see it the same way either. I'm sorry, buddy. Maybe I shouldn't have told you to eat."
"Not your fault, Stevie. Ain't like you shoved food down my throat."
"Last time you got sick like this, it was cause you drank too much. Which I know ain't the case today."
"Nah. The only thing I did last night was cry myself to sleep."
Steve kept his hand on Soda's back and leaned his head against his shoulder. "All this stress and stuff can sure do it, buddy. Did the doctor say something, or was it going to happen anyway?"
"It wasn't what he said. Just told me I have an appointment on Friday." Soda lifted his head up, then got to his feet to go over to the sink.
Steve stood up, watching as Soda let water run into his cupped hands, then rinsed his mouth out. "You feeling any better now?"
Soda spit water into the sink, then turned the faucet off. "Yeah. I think so."
Steve followed Soda back into the kitchen, noticing how he was eyeing what remained of lunch. He then got a glass and filled it with cool water, before handing it to his best friend. "The best thing is for you to drink this. And maybe you can have something a little lighter."
Soda sipped the water, the liquid soothing to his throat. "You my nurse today, man?"
Steve rolled his eyes, giving Soda the smallest of shoves. "I've just done a lot of puking my guts up, so I know what helps."
Soda took more swallows of the water, as he sat down and looked out the window at Steve's car. "You ain't going to be late cause of me, are you?"
"Nah. Not as long as we leave in a minute. You okay to go back to work?"
"Yeah. I'll be all right. Besides, I've missed enough, you know?"
"I know, man."
"I don't want to be home by myself either."
"You know I agree with you on that one, buddy." Steve sat down across from Soda, picking his car keys up off the table. "You are Pony are okay now, right?"
"Yeah. We talked."
"Good. I just wondered cause you said you cried yourself to sleep."
"Oh. That, um, wasn't cause of Pony. I was just..." Soda trailed off, as his eyes moved away from Steve's, then looked inside the glass he held, staring at what was left of the water. "...sad. So I cried."
Vivian clutched the stuffed stars of the mobile, as her singing faded into sobs. She felt arms that she knew belonged to her husband draw her close.
Samuel cradled Vivian, the sound of her anguished cries burrowing its way into his soul. Please, God, he prayed. Hold her in your arms too.
"Are you sure you'll be okay working?"
Soda laid his head against the Ford's passenger seat, as he replied to Steve's concern. "I'll be fine, Stevie. My stomach ain't feeling as bad. Those crackers helped it settle some more."
Steve took the next right turn, seeing the DX up ahead, as his eyes shifted from the road to Soda. "It's not really your stomach I'm worried about."
"I know."
"I've known you almost your whole life, man."
"Yeah."
"And you've never gotten sick to your stomach cause you're upset or anything like that."
"I've done a lot lately that I haven't before."
"That's true. But it's why I'm so worried."
"Stevie, I- I'm fine. Really."
Steve turned into the DX parking lot and stopped the car, before turning to face Soda. "Sodapop, you're not fine, buddy."
Soda sighed and fidgeted with the DX cap in his lap, then put it on his head. "I guess you would have to be crazy to believe me, huh?"
"I just watched you barely able to get any lunch down, then sat with you, while you were throwing up. I know we don't got time to talk right now, but I couldn't not say anything about it, man."
Soda reached for the door handle, starting to get out of the car. "I know, Stevie. I'll see you later, okay?"
"Okay. I'll be over after I'm done with Laura." Steve watched Soda step out of the car and close the passenger door, before going toward the DX building. Come on, buddy, he thought, as he drove out of the parking lot. Please don't keep anything inside and make yourself sick. Cause I know just how that feels.
"Ponyboy, may I speak to you for a moment?"
Pony turned to look at Mr. Syme, his answer automatic. "Yes, Sir. Of course."
Mr. Syme took a seat at his desk, stacks of essays spread out in front of him. "I haven't seen you so distracted in a long time."
"Oh."
"You usually participate in my class much more too."
"I'm sorry. I was trying to pay attention. Really."
"How are things at home?"
"They're...okay."
"You're getting along all right with your brothers?"
"Yeah. I mean, Darry and me, we argue sometimes, but not like before."
"How is Sodapop doing?"
"Oh. He- He's getting there, I guess. It's just..." Pony looked down at his feet, studying the uneven loops of his shoe laces. "...taking a lot of time."
"Are you worried about him? I remember how close you two are."
"Yeah. I guess that's why I'm not very focused." Pony's gaze moved up to meet that of his English teacher. "I mean, don't get me wrong, Mr. Syme. He's healing up." Green eyes shifted back down to his shoes, following the zig-zag pattern created by laces that were no longer a solid white. "But it's just not that simple."
Soda drank down the rest of the Sprite, the clear bubbly liquid helping to calm his remaining nausea. He gazed through the glass that made up the front of the DX building, outwardly flinching when the image of the mask appeared there.
Soda gripped the bottle he'd been drinking from tighter, as he attempted to blink away the vision, only for the gunshot to echo through his mind, bringing with it the memory from the night before. He backed away from the counter, becoming aware of the presence behind him when he bumped into it and froze in place.
"Hey, you all right there, Sodapop?"
Soda heard Mr. Coleman's voice, his eyes closed tight, as he steadied his breathing. "Um, yeah. I just get jumpy here. Especially when it's quiet like this."
Mr. Coleman put a hand on Soda's shoulder, squeezing gently. "I can understand that. But it'll be busy again in a little bit. Is there anything I can do to help with this, or is it just going to take some time?"
Soda opened his eyes and gazed through the glass again, the mask now gone. "I think it's going to take some time." But what about everything else that's not getting better at all? he thought. "Maybe a lot of time." More than I even have the strength to face.
"Hey, Steve, can we talk a minute?"
Steve waved Pony over to his car, as he got in the driver's side. "Get on in here, Kid."
Pony opened the door and slid into the passenger seat. "I hope I'm not being a pain in the ass."
"You're not bothering me, Pony."
"I mean, it's fun to be a pain in the ass to you, but it's not what I'm trying to do right now."
"So what are you trying to do?"
"I'm trying to say I'm sorry."
"For what?"
"For scaring you last night. Since Soda had already told you about how he's been feeling, I know what you must've thought when I showed up like I did."
"It's all right, Kid. All that matters to me is nothing happened."
"I'm sorry if I sounded like I was blaming you too. You know, cause of what I said about you telling me he would be okay. I don't mean to do that."
"What I said to you is still true, Pony. Soda's doing what he needs to do. He's not keeping all that stuff inside. Feeling like he is doesn't mean he will hurt himself either. I've told him to please say anything he's thinking cause he needs to get that shit out, and I don't ever want him to feel alone. Not even for a second."
"Did you ever feel alone?"
"Yeah. But I think that's cause of what happened to me when I was a kid. Since it's not like anybody else could get it like I do, you know? And I must've felt alone when I overdosed, or I wouldn't have done it."
"I don't want Soda to feel alone either. It's weird to imagine he ever could."
"I'm trying to make sure he doesn't. Hey, I should apologize to you too, Kid."
"Why?"
"For yelling at you. I ain't sorry for anything I said at my house cause it's the truth. But I am sorry for how I said it."
"It's okay, Steve."
Steve put his key in the ignition and started the car. "I really gotta go, Pony. I have an appointment to get to."
"All right." Pony opened the passenger door and started to get out of the car. "I'll see you later."
"Hey, Kid?"
Yeah?"
"So are we making these little heart-to-heart's a habit?"
"I guess so. But don't worry. I haven't told a soul."
