The past roared to life, revealing its trail of brokenness.


The warm towel lay over Darry's back and shoulders, its heat soaking into aching muscles. He felt a pain wedge itself through the left side of his upper back, despite the relief coursing along his body. "Damn, that hurts. I really pulled it this time."

Soda knocked on Darry's bedroom door, then let himself inside, handing his brother two pills and a glass of water. "Here, Dar. Take these."

Darry swallowed the pills, washing them down with the water, before he handed the glass back to Soda. "Thanks, little buddy. I'm sore as hell."

Soda put the glass on Darry's dresser, then sat down on the bed beside him. "Can I ask you something, Darry?"

"Not sure how good of an answer you'll get right now, but go ahead."

"Do you ever regret taking us?"

"What? What are you talking about?"

"Me and Pony. Do you ever regret taking custody of us after Mom and Dad died?"

"No, Sodapop. Absolutely not."

"You can tell me if you do, Dar. You can be honest with me."

"Where the hell is this coming from, little buddy?"

"I don't know. It's just something I thought about."

"Well, stop thinking about it cause I don't regret keeping you two with me." Darry winced, as another pain jolted his pulled muscle. "Damn, Pepsi Cola, I wouldn't have made it through losing Mom and Dad without you. You know that, right?"

"I don't know. I guess maybe I didn't know that."

"Now you do. You got me through it. I don't regret my decision to raise you and Pony. And I am being honest with you. It's the truth."


"Hey, Kid. What are you doing here?"

Pony stepped inside the DX, his eyes looking all around the station, before they landed on Steve. "It feels kind of weird to come in here now."

Steve stood behind the counter, rubbing his head that continued to ache. "Tell me about it. If you ask me though, I think Soda does pretty good here considering."

Pony made his way over to the counter, ignoring the pictures his imagination conjured up. "I talked to him last night without losing my shit. I don't even know why I'm telling you that, but I am."

"Cause, apparently, you like telling me stuff now."

"Yeah. I guess so. I just wanted to make sure Soda knows I'm not mad at him. That I never was either. I hate that I could ever make him feel bad cause he's always there for me."

"Stop beating yourself up about it, Pony. It ain't like Soda's going to hold it against you."

"I know. I'm still so worried though, Steve. Cause when we were talking, he didn't seem like he felt better. And I felt, I don't know, like he wasn't really telling me what he was thinking."

"Soda ain't good at hiding anything, Kid. And there are just some things he doesn't want you to see."

"When I asked him what I could do to help, I think he just told me what he knew I'd want to hear. He wasn't being real with me."

"Even if he doesn't tell you everything, you can still be there for him, you know. It's Soda. He's just looking out for you."

"Does he tell you everything?"

"Not always, Kid. And when he doesn't, I just make sure he knows he can."

"I told Soda I think me and you are friends now."

Steve raised his eyebrows, a smile trying to form on his face. "I thought I told you not to tell anybody that."

"But it's Soda. Ain't that different?"

"Yeah. I guess so, Kid. Don't tell anybody I'm admitting you've got a point."

Pony leaned on the counter, grinning back at Steve, as he heard the bell signal a customer's arrival. "Nobody except Soda?"

"Sure, Kid. Nobody except Soda."


"Thanks, Aunt Susan. But, no, we all need to be together right now. It's what's best for us."

Soda listened to Darry's end of the phone conversation, watching his big brother's exhausted expression rivaling with his confident words.

Darry gripped the phone receiver, as he listened to the rest of what his dad's sister had to say. "I know. I know you are. But it isn't just me I'm thinking about. It's all of us. I am doing what's best for my brothers too, and I know them better than anyone."

Soda dropped down onto the couch, meeting Darry's gaze.

Darry looked back at his middle brother, as he finished up the conversation. "We'll see you on Wednesday at the funeral, okay? Yeah. Love you too."

Soda saw Darry hang up the phone, before he spoke. "What was she asking you, Dar?"

"She was asking if you and Pony could come stay with her. She even said she'd take ya'll for a while so I could-"

Pony appeared from his bedroom, his loud voice interrupting Darry's words. "So you could what? Are you just going to send us away now?"

Darry shook his head. "No. Of course not, Pony. I'm just saying Aunt Susan offered to take ya'll til I finish classes for this year. That's it. I said no."

Pony moved closer to Darry, looking up at him. "So you don't want us to leave and go stay with her or someone else? You really want to keep both of us?"

Darry put his hands on each of Pony's shoulders. "Yes. I promise I do. You're not going anywhere."

Soda watched his two brothers, seeing green eyes meet blue ones. "Yeah, Pony. Of course he wants us here with him. It's Darry. You know he ain't just going to stand back and let us go. We need each other."

Pony lifted both hands to grip each of Darry's arms, as he stared at his big brother's face. "You're sure? I know how much you want to be in college. You were doing great too."

Darry held Pony's gaze, not letting the tears form at the small sound of his little brother's young voice. "Yes. I'm sure. You and Soda are more important to me than college. You're more important to me than anything. I wouldn't give you two up for the world."


Soda opened his nightstand drawer and took out the card that had Dr. Morgan's name and number on it. "I still don't know about this." He stared at the printed letters for a moment, before making his way back to Darry's room. He opened the door to see his big brother resting against the pillows on the bed, his eyes closed. "Hey, Dar?"

Darry spoke, though his eyes didn't open. "Yeah?"

"Um, there's something I want to talk to you about, and I have to do it before I change my mind. Cause I just ain't sure and-"

Darry opened his eyes then to look at Soda, who still stood in the doorway. "Slow down, little buddy. What is it?"

"Is your back feeling any better?"

"It's getting there. The heat helped, and so is resting right here. What do you want to talk to me about?"

Soda moved over to the bed, sitting down on the edge of it, as he fidgeted with the card in his hands. "Uh, when Steve saw Laura yesterday, he kind of told her about me and stuff. She gave him this name and number."

"Is that what you're holding right there?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. Who is it? Another counselor?"

"Yeah. Actually, a doctor."

"A psychiatrist?"

"Yeah. And Steve, well, he's really been on my back about it. I promised him I'd call, then decided not to. But I keep thinking he's right. At the same time, I just really don't want to go."

"Are you worried cause of what happened with the other lady?"

"I guess. But Laura is friends with this one, so I don't really need to worry about anything like that. I'm just scared of dealing with stuff cause I've got a lot that hurts, and I kind of feel like maybe she won't be able to fix any of it at all."

"Well, from what I do know about Laura, I don't think she'd tell Steve about anyone who isn't capable, little buddy."

"Yeah. Steve trusts her a lot. But it's not that. It's just me."

Darry lifted himself off the pillows to reach for the card, reading the name on it. "Do you want me to call for you?"

"No, Dar. I was just telling you about it. I don't- I don't want to. I can't."

"I think you should, Sodapop. After the last few days, I think it's what you need."

Soda shook his head, as he took the card back from Darry. "No. Never mind. I shouldn't have said anything. Just forget about it."

"Forget about it? What else did you think I'd say? You had to know what I'd tell you about this."

"I don't know. I didn't think anything, I guess. But I can't. I can't do it."

"Why? Why can't you do it?"

"I just can't, Darry."

"It's okay to ask for help, little buddy. I hope you know that."

"But how can anyone help me when-?"

"When what?"

"Nothing. Never mind."

Darry saw Soda start to get up and moved quickly, despite the soreness in his back. He grabbed his brother's upper arm, the strong grip one that wouldn't be easily broken. "No. You don't get to do that. You started this conversation. You didn't have to come in here and tell me what's on your mind right now. But you did. So stay put, Sodapop, and finish what you're thinking."

Soda attempted to pull away from Darry. "Let me go, Dar. I don't want to talk anymore. It's too much. Just let go!"

Darry responded by grabbing Soda's other arm and putting his own face within inches of his brother's. "Hell, no, little buddy. I'm not letting you go. You're not going to go back to keeping shit to yourself."

"It's my choice what I tell you, Darry. You can't make me say anything."

"You don't think so, huh? I happen to know otherwise."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"It means I know what's going on in your heart and in your head already. I know you, Sodapop. You could be good at hiding, and I'd still have you all figured out."

"You don't know everything. Back the fuck off, Darry."

"You wouldn't be fighting me so hard or getting angry if there was nothing for me to see right now. You don't want to accept that you need some help. You don't want to admit it."

Soda swallowed hard, meeting Darry's gaze that bore into his own, tears not far from the surface. "Cause I don't need to admit anything."

"What you've been going through and all the feelings you've got are a very big deal, Sodapop. It's a huge deal that your best friend came to me just days ago cause you were talking like you were going to kill yourself. It's a huge deal that you're feeling guilty all the time and so bad about yourself that it's making you physically sick to your stomach." Darry paused for a moment, seeing how Soda hung his head, his expression no longer one of feigned determination. He moved one hand to place it under his brother's chin, tilting it up. "Little buddy, I'm not mad at you or anything like that. But I'm not going to let this keep going on. I've never seen as much pain in you as I do right now. You've told me how bad you're hurting, and that can't get better if you try to say it's not there."

"I ain't worth a doctor like that's time, Darry."

"That's not true, Soda. It's not true at all."

Soda touched Darry's hand that was still underneath his chin, only to push it away.

Darry's grip on Soda's arm loosened, as his little brother turned his back to him. "Soda, you're worth every second anyone spends with you. Don't let what's hurting you tell you any different. I know you know how loved you are too."

Soda felt Darry's hand come to rest on his back, part of him longing to turn around and fall into his brother's arms. "How? How do you know that?"

"Because you came to me. Because you've been opening up a lot. Even if part of you still fights it sometimes. You wouldn't be talking to me or to Steve so much, if you didn't know that."

Soda crossed his arms over his chest, as he felt Darry's hand stroke the back of his head. "It's so bad, Darry. I hate admitting that. Cause I don't want it to be this bad."

"I know, little buddy."

"Will you do it? Will you call for me?"

"Yes. Of course I will."

"Please do it soon, Dar. Cause I know I'll change my mind if you don't."

"I will. I'll call tomorrow." Darry felt a twinge of pain in his back, then moved to rest against the pillows.

No longer feeling his brother's touch, Soda turned to look at him. "Are you okay?"

"I will be."

Soda stared at Darry for a moment, then glanced at the door. "I know I should leave you alone and let you rest."

"I'm resting just fine with you here, little buddy."

Soda crawled from the edge of the bed to Darry's side. He slipped one arm around him, as he laid his head on his brother's chest. "I know I'm actin' like a little kid or something. And I ain't one, but I don't know, I just need this."

Darry rubbed circles on Soda's back. "You'll always be my little brother, so it's okay. Whatever you need, that's what I'm here for, so you can stay right where you are."


Damn it, Steve told himself. Just stop it. This is nothing like that.

He closed the driver's side door of the Ford, before starting the car and beginning to pull away from the DX. That's not what Soda was doing at all, he thought. It's nowhere near the same.

Steve drove into the evening traffic, the ache pulsating in his head. But could Soda do that? he wondered. Is there a chance he could go too far?

That's fuckin' crazy, Steve thought, as he sped up and shifted gears. Soda was just trying to cope. I'm overreacting.

He came to a traffic light, its color flashing from yellow to red, just as he passed through the intersection. But am I? Steve asked himself. He was still bleeding. And maybe there was a time she was looking for a way to cope too. I'll never even know what she was thinking.

Steve took the next turn that led in the direction of the Curtis' house. I have to stop, he told himself. This is Soda. And it has nothing to do with her.


"It's going to be weird to see them like that, Stevie. You're coming tomorrow, right?"

Steve looked over at Soda, his eyes narrowing at the question. "Of course I'm coming. Why the hell would you even ask me that, Sodapop?"

Soda shrugged, as he glanced at Darry, who was at the kitchen table with papers spread out in front of him. "I don't know. I guess I was just askin'. Sorry."

"I loved them too, man. And you're my best buddy. So there's no way I'd miss it."

Soda nodded, as he looked around the living room where they sat, his mind again alive with thoughts of his parents."Darry told me I'm in shock."

"Well, you probably are. Who wouldn't be?"

"Sometimes, I think I hear them or even see them. It's like none of this is really happening."

"I can understand that, buddy. Honestly, it doesn't feel real to me yet either."

"I'm not ready for it to feel real, Stevie." Soda's thoughts drifted to the approaching funeral, tears filling his eyes, as he pictured the sight he knew would make the loss real beyond any existing doubts. "I ain't ready for that at all."


"Hey, is your head hurting or something?"

Steve felt Soda's hand rest on his shoulder, as he squeezed his eyes shut. "Yeah. It's been hurting for hours, but it's gotten worse since I left work."

Soda saw Steve press his hands to his forehead, not expecting the tear that snuck out of his closed eyes. "I'm going to go in and grab you some aspirin, okay?"

"Okay."

Soda squeezed Steve's shoulder, before getting to his feet and going into the house.

Steve stayed in his spot on the back porch steps. Don't cry, he told himself. You don't want to explain this to Soda. You don't want him to see that connection.

Soda returned with two pills and a glass of water, handing both to Steve. "Here, buddy. I guess I'm the guy for giving out pain medicine tonight. Did the same thing for Darry earlier cause he pulled a muscle at work."

Steve swallowed the aspirin, as he tried to will back the tears that remained in his now-open eyes.

"Does it hurt that bad?"

Steve hid his face behind his hands, as he attempted to avoid Soda's concerned question.

Stevie?"

"No. It doesn't hurt that bad. I just- I've been thinking about something else too."

"Oh."

Steve wiped away a tear that had fallen, breathing in deeply to stop the rest from escaping. "It's just something that hasn't bothered me in a while. Not for the last few months anyway."

"Okay." Soda put his hand back on Steve's shoulder, eyes watching his best friend. "I know I ain't exactly been all right lately, but you can still talk to me."

"I know." Steve took one more deep breath, feeling the tears start to recede for now, as he looked at Soda. "Hey, you are going to call Dr. Morgan, right?"

"Yeah. I asked Darry to do it for me earlier."

"Good. You need it, man. I really believe that."

"I already feel like changing my mind. So I told him to do it soon."

"It'll be okay, buddy. And, like I said, I'll go with you if I can."

"Are we talking about me again cause you don't want to talk about you?"

"Maybe. But I'm okay, Soda. Really."

"You never let me tell you that anymore."

"Yeah. I guess that's true."

"And you still look like you're about to cry."

"I guess I ain't good at hiding stuff anymore either, huh? It's hard to believe I ever did that for so long."

"What's bothering you, man? If it's been a few months, I think I already got an idea anyway."

"I was kind of thinking about- About Clara's death again."

"You're not feeling guilty about it, are you? I remember you having headaches when you were dealing with that before."

"No. Nothing like that." I can say this much to him, Steve told himself. I can still be honest. "It's just the picture in my head, it gets to me. Almost like it's real or something."

"I'm sorry, buddy. I wish it wasn't like that for you. Did anything happen to make you think about it again?"

Steve shook his head, as he reached for Soda's shoulder, his eyes involuntarily drifting to the faint scratches on his left arm. "It's just-" Be careful, Steve thought. Don't go too far. "It ain't even a real memory, but it sure as hell gets to feeling like one sometimes."


"You don't have to, Samuel."

Samuel looked up at Vivian, as he folded a receiving blanket and tucked it into a plastic bin, along with some rattles, pacifiers, and newborn-sized clothes his wife had purchased so recently. "I don't have to what?"

Vivan looked over at the wooden chest that held many of Matthew's books and toys, before shifting her gaze to the bin filling with the things that would've belonged to the unborn baby they'd lost. "You don't have to help me put this stuff away."

"I want to, honey. You don't need to go through any of this alone."

"But you didn't even help me get ready for the baby. It's the last thing you were thinking about."

"Because it was so early, Vivian. Not because I would've never helped you."

"No. It was because you were so scared, and that fear was all you had on your mind."

"Yes. I was scared, honey. I'm the one who told you that. But that didn't mean-"

"You're not scared anymore, are you? Because there's no baby. We're not going to have a child for you to fear losing."

Samuel's eyes drifted down to his arms, still able to imagine them cradling a little baby, only for the image to vanish into nothingness. "No. I guess we're not. I'm sorry, sweetheart. I'm so sorry I felt that way."

"Are you relieved, Samuel? Does this feel better to you?"

Samuel looked back up at Vivian, his eyes meeting hers. "No! Of course it doesn't feel better to me. Why would you say that?"

"Because I know how scared you were. How worried. And now, that's over. There is no baby, so there's nothing for you to fear."

"But I wish that weren't true, Vivian. Do you think I'm happy you had a miscarriage? I was telling you the truth when I said I wanted the baby too."

"You didn't always sound like it."

"But I still did, and I know it's too soon to talk about this, but we can try again. We can still have another child one day, honey."

"I can't even think about that right now, Samuel."

Samuel reached for Vivian's hand, and squeezed it, as he brushed his fingers along her cheek. "I know. And that's okay. You don't have to think about it now. But whenever you do want to, just tell me, and I'll be ready when you are."


"Hey there, Johnny. Don't just stand out in the cold. Get in here."

Johnny followed Soda inside, shivering underneath his jean jacket. "Hey, man. I just- I didn't want to bother ya'll"

Soda wrapped his arm around Johnny's shoulders. "You're never a bother, Johnnycakes. You're always welcome here."

"It's just, with your parents and all..."

"You're still welcome here whenever you need."

"It doesn't make sense, Sodapop."

"What doesn't?"

"Your parents, man. My dad just slapped me across the face cause I got in his way or something. Then, I could hear my mom screaming at me all the way down the damn street."

Soda studied Johnny's face, searching for any marks left behind on his tan skin. "I'm sorry, Johnny Kid. Just stay here tonight."

"This is all my parents do, man. They don't even care about me at all. But your mom and dad, they sure loved ya'll."

"They loved you too. They loved the whole gang."

"Yeah. It doesn't make sense that my parents get to still be here when yours don't."

"I know, Johnnycakes."

Johnny felt Soda give his shoulders a squeeze, then turned to look at his friend's face, seeing the tears that glistened in his eyes. "Sorry, Sodapop. I shouldn't be talking about it. I should be glad to have parents, even if they don't give a hang about me."

"No, Johnny. You feel however you feel, and I don't blame you a bit."

"I don't think I even told ya'll yet how sorry I am. Is there something I can do, man? Anything?"

"Yeah. There is. We want you around, Johnnycakes. So, like I just said, you can stay right here tonight."


"Dad? Come in here, please."

Nicholas stepped into Steve's room, where his son sat on the bed, knees drawn to his chest. "Something wrong, Son?"

Steve didn't reply at first, only reaching for Nicholas one he was at his side. He gripped his dad's t-shirt, holding onto him, as he laid his head on his shoulder.

Nicholas put his arm around Steve, as he kissed the top of his head. "Everything okay?"

"I've been thinking about stuff, and I had kind of a bad headache earlier. It wouldn't go away at all til after I took some aspirin. Still hurts a little bit right now."

"What stuff were you thinking about?"

"Clara and- and how she died."

"Is there a reason that's on your mind?"

"Yeah. But I don't want to talk about it. Okay, Dad? I swear nothing happened. Not with me anyway."

"Okay, Son. You don't have to. Not as long as you're all right."

"It's just something I think I shouldn't tell. At least not yet."

"Is it something to do with Sodapop?"

"Yeah. It is."

"Is he okay?"

"I'm not sure."

"Steve, if anything happened that would remind you of Clara's death, that makes me think it's something dangerous."

Steve lifted his head from Nicholas' shoulder to look at him. "No, Dad. It wasn't. If it were, you know I wouldn't keep it to myself. Cause I could never let Soda be in any danger."

"Okay, Son. I do know that."

"I want him to be safe, Dad. I need him to be safe. And this shouldn't even remind me of her, but it just does. I didn't tell him that though."

"I can see why you wouldn't want to. But I'm glad you're telling me about it, even if you can't tell me everything."

"Laura told me yesterday about this doctor she's been friends with for a long time, and she gave me her number to give to Soda."

"Did you tell him about it?"

"Yeah. As soon as I could. Cause he needs help, Dad. He does. Even if he's not ready to believe it yet."


"Don't do it, Darry. Don't call that number. Please don't."

Darry's eyes widened at the pleading tone of Soda's words, as he joined his brother on the porch swing. "Sodapop, it's just an appointment, little buddy. It's okay."

Soda's gaze shifted from Darry to the night sky, as he burst into tears. "No. Please don't. Please. I'll do anything."

Darry took Soda's hand in his own, as he saw the tears roll down his brother's cheeks. "It's going to be all right, Pepsi Cola."

"No, Darry. It's not all right. Nothing is all right. But I'm sorry. I promise I'll do better. Just don't call her."

Darry drew Soda into his arms. "Shh. You're okay, little buddy. There's nothing to be sorry for."

Soda felt his chest heave, as he sobbed, his breaths coming faster. "No. Not- not okay. Never okay."

Darry rocked back and forth, as he held his brother. "Just try to relax and breathe. I've got you. I love you so much, Pepsi Cola."

Soda rested his head on Darry's shoulder, taking a deep breath and holding it, before letting it out slowly. "But why, Darry? Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why do you love me?"

Darry felt a stillness come over him, both the teary sound of Soda's voice and the question itself rendering him silent at first, as he listened to his brother's cries. "Sodapop, how could I not love you? You're my baby brother. I can't even remember not having you in my life, little buddy. You've always been right here beside me, and I'd be lost without you."

"But I'm a mess, Darry. And I don't want you to stop loving me. What if you do?"

Darry's gaze found its way to the sky, searching the stars for any sort of guidance, as he was torn between pulling away to stare into Soda's eyes and holding his brother even tighter. "I won't, Soda. I won't. I'm not sure where all these feelings are coming from, but there's nothing in this world that could make me stop loving you. No matter what you think, what you do, or how you feel, that doesn't change. It can't change."

Soda was still leaning on Darry, cradled in the embrace, when he felt himself being pushed away. Gentle hands then held his face, making him look right at his big brother.

Darry's blue eyes met Soda's brown ones, as he tried to keep the shake out of his voice. "Do you hear me, Sodapop?"

Soda nodded, as he clutched Darry's hand that was on his cheek. "Yeah. I hear you."

"I love you, little buddy, and nothing can change that." Darry held Soda's gaze, his own eyes watering. "It's not even possible."