Flashes of the past carried into the present, echoes of emotions flowing out to create a restorative breakthrough.
"Hey, Sodapop. I'm here, little buddy. Just like I promised you. What happened?"
Soda's eyes stared at Darry, his whole body shaking, as he remained against the wall in Dr. Morgan's office. "They're gone. Mom and Dad. Never got to say goodbye."
Darry got down on his knees beside Soda, arms automatically going around his little brother. "I know. I know you didn't."
Dr. Morgan remained close by, watching the scene between brothers unfold in front of her.
Tears fell from Soda's eyes, the droplets moving down his cheeks and soaking into Darry's shirt, his vulnerability laying bare in this office he'd been so scared to set foot in since hearing of the impending appointment. "He shot me. Wonder if he was like Dal."
Darry kept Soda in the tender hold, as if they were the only two in the room. "We'll never know that, Pepsi Cola. But you made it, and that's all that matters to me."
Soda held tighter to Darry, his mind and emotions still flashing through the past. "Johnny saved Pony. I wasn't there. He ran away from us. I'm sorry, Darry. I'm sorry."
Darry bowed his head, burying his face in Soda's golden hair, tears about to fall from his own eyes. "That wasn't your fault. It was mine."
Soda sobbed harder, every size and shade of grief making itself known. "I tried. I tried to be enough. For you. For Pony."
God, what did I miss? Darry thought. What did I miss back then? "You're everything to us, Sodapop. You know that. I love you. Pony loves you. You're more than enough, and you don't even have to try for us."
"Sandy left. Wasn't enough for her."
"That wasn't about you, little buddy."
Soda shifted, so that he could look up at Darry's face, seeing a steady flow of tears on his brother's cheeks. "You're crying too."
Darry shook his head and guided Soda's back to his chest. "Shh. Don't worry about that. It's okay."
Soda's thoughts flowed out once more, transparency holding its own. "Don't want Penny to see."
"She loves you too, Pepsi Cola."
Soda blinked his eyes, able to feel Darry trembling. "Sorry. So sorry."
Darry's gaze briefly wandered over to Dr. Morgan, again aware of her presence. "Is it okay for us to still be here?"
Dr. Morgan nodded, recognizing the value in what she was witnessing. "It's fine. We still have time."
Darry heard Soda sigh, feeling his brother's body relax, as if spent from the emotion. "It's okay, little buddy. Hey, Steve wanted me to tell you he was here."
Soda squeezed his eyes shut, pushing back the tears that still wanted to come. "Don't want to drag him down with me. So much pain."
Darry tightened his arms around Soda, trying to soothe him. "You're not dragging him down, Sodapop. Not at all. It's like Nicholas said, being there for you is part of taking care of himself. We all want to take care of you."
Seeing how much calmer Soda was, Dr. Morgan moved closer to him. "Sodapop?"
Soda lifted his head from Darry's chest, looking over at the doctor who had never left the room. "Yeah?"
Dr. Morgan gave Soda a small smile. "Is it okay if we finish talking now? I'd really like to help you."
Soda had yet to let go of Darry, as he took a deep breath. "Can my brother stay?"
Dr. Morgan nodded, her new patient's needs getting clearer. "Yes. As long as it's fine with you for him to hear what we talk about and you're comfortable, he can absolutely stay."
What if I shouldn't have left? Steve thought, as he parked the Ford in the school lot. Maybe I should've just stayed there. What if-
A tap on his window interrupted his thoughts, and Steve turned his head to see Pony. He pushed open the driver's side door and slid out of the car. "What's going on, Kid?"
Pony stood beside the Ford, eyes searching Steve's face. "Did you go to Soda's appointment?"
Steve shut the car door, as he shoved the keys in his pocket. "Yes. Got a problem with that now too?"
"How'd it go?"
"I don't really know, Ponyboy. He was back in Dr. Morgan's office. I sat in the waiting room with Darry. Only thing I do know is the doc came and said Soda was asking for him."
"He was asking for Darry?"
"Yeah. So he went back there, and I left not long after that. Not that I wanted to."
"She seem nice? Dr. Morgan, I mean."
"Sure. Yeah. I guess if she'd come out and get Darry, that's a good sign. That bitch he saw before couldn't have cared less if he needed any of us with him."
"You'll be at my house later, right?"
"Of course. I'm not working this afternoon, so right after class lets out. Why?"
"Cause I want to do what you said, Steve. I want to be real with you."
Soda let out a high-pitched whistle, as he watched Sandy walk toward the bowling lane to roll the ball. "Looking good, baby."
Steve sat next to Soda, one arm around Evie's waist, as he shoved his best friend. "Keep it in your pants, man."
Soda looked away from Sandy to stick his tongue out at Steve. "You're just sore cause I've got more strikes than you."
Steve smirked. "Yeah, right. I got three in a row. You ain't got more than two all night."
Soda saw Sandy taking her second turn, whistling again when she looked back at him. "You got it, Sandy. Knock down the rest of those pins, sweetheart."
Sandy stepped forward and let the ball roll down the lane, knocking down the last two pins. She turned to head back and sit with the group, only for Soda to rush up to her.
Soda lifted Sandy off the floor and spun her around, as she laughed. "That was a great shot, babe. I love being here with you."
Sandy felt her feet touch the floor, after Soda stopped spinning. "Thanks, Sodapop."
Steve let out a whistle of his own. "Hey, you two, if it's all right, we'd like to get on with the game sometime tonight."
Soda, his hands on Sandy's hips, grinned, as he called back to his best friend. "Oh, hold your horses, Stevie. We've got plenty of time. I'm enjoying being with my girl."
Sandy felt Soda cup her face, as she looked up at him. "I'm your girl, huh?"
Soda stared into Sandy's blue eyes. "Of course you're my girl. You have been since the day I met you."
"So I told Steve all of it. I told him what I was planning to do."
Dr. Morgan made a few notes on her clipboard before speaking to Soda. "I know this is difficult, Sodapop. But I have to ask you what kind of plan you had in mind."
Soda glanced at Darry, who had pulled a chair up near his own. He felt his big brother take his hand, then turned back to Dr. Morgan. "I was thinking of taking a bunch of cough syrup and going to sleep in the bath tub."
Darry squeezed Soda's hand, his head bowed. It would destroy me to find you like that, little buddy, he thought. I'd break into so many pieces, no one could ever put me back together.
Dr. Morgan wrote more notes, before turning to the next sheet of paper on her clipboard. "Okay. So are you telling me you are no longer planning to attempt to take your own life?"
Soda squeezed Darry's hand, his return grip even tighter. "I'm not planning to do it anymore. Honest. I mean, I'm not saying I don't have the thoughts, but I ain't feeling as much like I can't get through it."
Dr. Morgan looked down at her paper, mentally noting the next lines, before focusing wholly on Soda. "Do you have access to the type of medication you were referring to, or any others that would have that same effect?"
Soda started to shake his head, but then hesitated. "Well, there's none at home. There used to be, but it got poured out. But it wouldn't be hard to get. I mean, I was thinking of getting it at the drug store. That's why I gave Darry the money I had. Cause I was going to wait and see if I got better at all."
Dr. Morgan nodded, her pen moving once again. "So not immediate access then. You couldn't act impulsively without first being much more deliberate. Do you have access to firearms, or any other weapons?"
Soda shook his head fully this time. "No. Nothing like that anywhere. I couldn't even look at a gun anyway."
Dr. Morgan flipped to the next sheet of paper, her pen still for the moment, her mind forming a strategy.
Soda didn't wait for her to speak, his next thought rolling right off his tongue. "Please don't put me in the hospital. I'm being real honest. I won't try to kill myself. I'll talk to Darry and to Steve. I'll even talk to you as much as you want me to. It's hard not to think about it cause I've been sad so much, but I really won't."
Darry heard the tears in Soda's voice and longed to hold his brother again, but settled for giving his hand another squeeze to remind him of his presence.
Dr. Morgan's pen moved across the paper, getting her thoughts down, as she spoke. "I do not believe it is necessary to hospitalize you at this point, Sodapop. In fact, between what I observed earlier and what you've told me about the support system you have, I'd be concerned the potential risks could outweigh the benefits."
Soda's eyebrows furrowed, uncertainty clear in his expression. "You think it'd hurt me more to be in the hospital?"
Dr. Morgan's eyes met Soda's, able to see the relief that mingled with the tears. "Possibly, yes. I also don't believe you're in imminent danger at this time. Despite the intentions in your mind, you acted in a way to keep yourself safe. It sounds like you experienced some relief too, by confiding your thoughts and feelings in your brother and your friend."
Soda nodded in agreement, a weight of fear lifting completely off his shoulders. "Yeah. I did."
Dr. Morgan continued her line of reasoning. "And after not just hearing about, but also witnessing, the support you seek and your need for emotional and physical connection, I think outpatient therapy and treatment is best. That's actually my goal most of the time, Sodapop. I'm not out to put you somewhere you don't want to be unnecessarily. Admitting you is something I'd only do if I had reason to believe you need that supervision until you're stable."
Soda closed his eyes for a moment, breathing in the relief. "Okay. So what will you do for me then?"
Dr. Morgan stood to her feet, reaching for a card and her prescription pad. "There's a medicine I want you to try, and I want to see you often. I think you'll benefit greatly from frequent assessments and counseling."
"Should I just take you home instead, little buddy? That took a lot out of you."
Soda rested his head against the passenger seat of Darry's truck, his eyes closed. "I told Mr. Coleman I was coming back."
Darry turned out of the center's parking lot, as he looked over at his little brother, seeing how the appointment had taken both an emotional and a physical toll on him. "I know, but you just went through everything you've been feeling in a very short amount of time. I think you need the rest."
Soda's eyes didn't open, as he felt the truck moving along the road. "Better make these appointments in the afternoon from now on."
"Yeah. I was thinking the same thing."
"But what should I tell Mr. Coleman? He didn't even know what kind of doctor's appointment this was. I already missed all day yesterday."
"I know. But he doesn't want you there, if you're not up to it for any reason, and you know he'll understand if you explain, little buddy."
"I think he knows there's more going on than I've really told him anyway."
"I'm sure he does. He's been around you enough to notice things, and he knows you well. I'll take you home, and you can call him from there."
"Come on, man. I still gotta drop Evie at her house."
Soda waved Steve off, as he held Sandy's hands in his own, the couple standing together on her front porch. "I hope you had a good time."
Sandy saw the porch light turn on, as she smiled at Soda. "My parents must be looking. I'll see you again soon, Sodapop."
Soda felt Sandy's hands let go of his own, then watched as she went toward the front door. "I can't wait, Sandy." I think I love you, he thought, as he heard Steve's horn beep at him to hurry up. I'm going to go to bed tonight and dream about you. I always dream about you.
"Sodapop? Good. I was getting worried. I thought you'd be back before now."
Soda heard Mr. Coleman's voice on the line, as he pressed the receiver to his ear. "Um, yeah, is it okay if I take the rest of the afternoon off? It was, um, a rough appointment. I mean, I guess I should've told you more at first, but it wasn't just a normal doctor."
Mr. Coleman's voice came through the line again, his puzzlement clear, even on the phone. "Oh? Is something wrong?"
"Well, yeah. I saw the doctor cause of what's been happening since, you know, since the shooting. Cause I have flashbacks and other stuff too. I'm sorry I didn't tell you."
"Okay. So you're seeing this one for counseling or something like that?"
"Yeah. I haven't been good, Sir. Not for a while, and today was hard. I'm worn out from crying and talking so much about everything."
"All right. I suspected more might be going on with you. Please take care of yourself, okay?"
"I will, Sir. Thank you."
"It's no problem. You know I want to help in any way that I can, Sodapop. Get some rest, and I'll see you tomorrow morning."
"Man, I think I've seen you asleep more than I've seen you awake lately."
Soda didn't stir at the sound of Steve's voice, head resting on the back of the couch and legs curled up on the cushions.
Steve turned on the TV, then sat down beside Soda, hand touching his best friend's arm.
"Stevie?"
Steve looked at Soda to see his brown eyes now open to slits. "Hey, buddy. I wasn't trying to wake you up."
Soda rubbed his eyes, opening them all the way, as he lifted his head up. "It's okay."
"I wasn't sure if you might've gone back to work after your appointment. So I checked here first."
"I didn't go back to work. I was going to, but it took too much out of me."
"I was in the waiting room with Darry when Dr. Morgan came and got him."
"He told me you were there."
Steve gave Soda a grin, as he squeezed his shoulder. "I'm so damn proud of you, buddy."
"You are?"
"Yeah. Cause you did it. You saw the doctor, like you needed to."
"I fell apart in there, Stevie."
"That's okay."
"I cried so much. She was asking me questions I knew she'd ask. And, I don't know. I just lost it."
"I knew you were probably having a hard time back there for her to get Darry. I hated leaving."
"She asked me if- if the thoughts I have make me consider suicide, and that was when I started falling apart."
Steve wordlessly pulled Soda into a hug, the question's implication making him squeeze his best friend tight.
Soda hugged Steve back, head resting on his shoulder. "Then, I was crying and talking about everything. Mom and Dad. Pony. Johnny and Dal. Sandy."
"You probably needed that, man."
"You too, Stevie. I was talking about you too."
Steve held Soda tighter, a weight on his chest making him draw in a sharp breath. "It's okay. That's okay, brother."
"Dr. Morgan heard all of it too. She heard everything I was saying."
"That's stuff she's going to need to know, buddy. So that's a good thing."
"She was real nice. She let me and Darry stay right there on the floor, and she let him stay after I calmed down too."
"She sounds a lot like Laura. She cares, and she wants to help you. You told her the truth, right? With all those questions?"
"Yeah. I did." Soda pulled away from the hug, one arm still around Steve. He touched his face, feeling the tears on his cheeks. "I didn't even know I was crying again."
Steve kept a hand on Soda's back. "Kind of hard not to when you're talking about this stuff, man. It's all right."
"I was real honest, Stevie."
"I'm glad, buddy. Cause I know how hard it is. So what's she going to do for you?"
"She said she thought it could hurt me more to be in the hospital. Cause of what she saw with me and Darry and what I told her about how I talk to ya'll."
"She doesn't want you to be in a place where you can't get to us, if you don't really need to be. Is that it?"
"Yeah. Sounded that way. And since I told ya'll what was going on, instead of actually trying to kill myself, she doesn't think I need to be in a hospital or anything right now. I mean, I'm sure it'd be different if I was still planning to do it, but I'm not. Cause talking to ya'll helped a lot."
"I bet she wants to see you a lot."
"Yeah. She gave me some medicine too. Not the same as yours. It starts with a 'T'."
"Is it an antidepressant?"
"Yeah."
"That could help, man. Maybe you'll feel a little better."
"Hey, Stevie, would you do something for me?"
"What do you need, buddy?"
"I have another appointment on Friday afternoon. If you aren't working, would you please come with me?"
"I'm only working tomorrow and Saturday, so of course I will."
"It's just, I know I'm eighteen and all that, but-"
"Don't. You know how my dad came with me all the time when I first started with Laura."
"Yeah. I remember."
"And I wasn't a little kid either. He even came back there with us one time and stayed. Cause I needed him. And if me or Darry being around is what you need, that's all that matters."
"You're where? What the hell did you do, Sodapop Patrick?"
Soda flinched at Darry's tone, the laugh he'd had earlier now forgotten, as he spoke into the receiver, a police officer staring him down. "Me and TwoBit were goofin' off."
Darry's voice got even more serious, suspicion growing with his brother's vague answer. "Goofing off how?"
"Doing handstands on the sidewalk. They said we were disturbing the peace or something like that."
"What the hell is wrong with you? You can't pull stupid shit like that, Sodapop!"
"I know, Darry. I'm sorry. Just please come and get me. I don't want to stay here."
Darry's sigh came through the line, his little brother's plea still getting to him, no matter the trouble he was in at the moment. "Just hang on, little buddy. I'm coming right now. Please behave yourself til I get there. Got it?"
"I get it, Dar. See you in a few minutes."
The officer who'd been watching Soda spoke. "Time's up, Kid."
Soda didn't respond, as he hung up the phone.
"If you ask me, you ought to stay here for the night. Maybe then, you'd learn something."
Soda took a seat on the bench, looking up just long enough to see that the cop's name tag read Officer Green.
"You get some rest, little buddy?"
Soda saw Darry set his toolbelt down and shot him a grin. "Yeah. I was sleepin' great til Stevie here woke me up."
Steve lightly slapped Soda on the shoulder. "Yeah. Uh-huh. All my fault for disturbing your sleep."
Darry smiled at the two friends, putting a small paper bag down on the counter. "I picked up your medicine, Sodapop."
Soda walked over to the counter and picked up the bag, then pulled out the bottle of pills, seeing his name printed on the label.
Darry opened his mouth to speak, only for Soda to push the medicine back into the bag and rush out the door. He turned to Steve. "Any idea what that's about?"
Steve looked between Darry and the bag that held the medication Soda had told him about earlier. "No. Not really. I mean, he said Dr. Morgan gave him medicine, but that's it."
Darry looked out the window, seeing Soda sitting near the tree, where he'd found him sleeping that morning. "He tell you about how the appointment went?"
"Yeah. He did."
"I cried back there too cause I sure don't know how the hell Soda got here, and it's been coming for a long time from what he was saying."
"I think shit just built up, Superman. And he kept a lot of it in before. Probably didn't even realize that's what he was doing."
"It hasn't even been two and a half years since we lost our parents, Steve. It seems like a long time ago, but it really wasn't."
"I know."
"I keep thinking there's something I should've seen then or maybe right after. Or even when everything happened with Pony. I thought Soda was okay. But he had to be breaking apart inside."
"I sure didn't help, did I, Superman?"
"You didn't know either, Steve, and you were going through a lot too."
"Soda said you stayed when he was still talking to Dr. Morgan. Does that mean you heard him say what he'd been planning to do? He told me he was honest, and I know she must've asked."
"Yeah. I heard. And damn, the only thing I could do was sit there and hold his hand. I knew about the cough syrup part, but I didn't expect him to say he'd drown himself too. I thought of finding him like that and..."
"I know. Me too. There's no way to even explain how much that hurts. When he told me that Monday night, I don't know how I even kept breathing."
"I don't know if I should be saying this, but I know you saw it once too. I caught Soda hurting himself last night."
"I'm sorry, Darry. Maybe I should've told you about that, but Soda asked me not to, and since it wasn't exactly dangerous, I said I wouldn't."
"Don't apologize, Steve. I get why you didn't, and you always come to me when you need to."
"I'd told him just before that to think about seeing Dr. Morgan, but after, I told him he had to. It scared me to see him doing anything like that."
"Me too."
"I was going to come to you and tell you about the cough syrup, about how Soda was looking for it. But he told you himself."
"How long did it take him to tell you about that?"
"A week. He didn't tell me right away either. If he hadn't already had that appointment, I would've gone straight to you."
"I know." Darry nodded toward the window, where he could still see Soda outside. "Would you go talk to him please? It seems like he's usually more open with you."
Steve looked through the open window at Soda, as he moved to open the back door. "Sure, Superman. I got him." He made his way across the porch and down the steps.
Soda saw Steve coming toward him, then looked down at the ground, fingers brushing over the blades of glass. He didn't speak until his best friend was right beside him. "I feel funny about taking the pills, Stevie."
Steve's gaze wandered to Soda's arm, able to make out the fading scratches he knew to be from last night, the marks not far from his scar. "Do you know why?"
"Cause I haven't taken that kind of medicine before. It just seems different."
"It is different, man. But it's still medicine."
Soda was quiet, as he laid his head back against the tree behind him, eyes looking up at the branches.
Steve leaned back against the tree too, waiting for his best friend to say more.
"Does it mean I'm sick, Steve?"
"No. It just means you need something to help you get through all of this better than you might without it."
"Oh. I don't mean I think you're sick or anything or that you should feel funny about taking your medicine."
"I know that, buddy."
"Did it ever bother you to take it?"
"Yeah. Cause it bothered me to take pills at all."
"Yeah. I guess it would."
"But, as for it being that kind of medicine, I wouldn't have wanted to try it before. After my overdose though, it was different. I sure wanted Dr. Reynolds to let me out of the hospital, and I would've tried anything that might help."
"You still felt like hurting yourself after you started the medicine."
"Yeah. But with all that was going on, I think I dealt with it better. The medicine couldn't just make the feelings that would make me think like that go away, you know?"
"So what did it do for you then?"
"I slept better, and like Dr. Reynolds told me once, being well rested helps. He said it was about being able to cope, even if I still had the flashbacks and the suicidal thoughts. I think the medicine made me feel less anxious too, and that's sure something you need."
"You think you're always going to need it?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I think it's better to have the support. At least for a while."
"You're not on as much of it now as you were, are you?"
"Nah. Dr. Reynolds upped the dose after that one time when I'd been thinking about trying to kill myself again. But he lowered it a few months ago, and I still kept doing all right."
Soda became quiet once more, turning slightly so that his back was to Steve.
Steve grinned, despite the silence that was beginning to feel heavy. "Hey, man, why are we talking about me when we're supposed to be talking about you?"
Soda didn't respond right away, finding that it was hard to speak. "Stevie?"
Steve felt the grin slide right off his face, as he put his hand on Soda's shoulder. "What is it, buddy? What did seeing that medicine make you think about?"
"What if I feel like taking too many of those pills?"
Steve moved so that he could look right at Soda's face. "If that's something you're worried about, get Darry to hold onto the medicine for you. You know he will, and then, you'll be safer."
"Looking at the bottle, that was the first thing that came into my head."
"After everything you've told me lately, I'm not shocked by that at all, man. With the place you're in right now, it makes sense."
"I hate it, Stevie. I hate myself."
"Hey!"
Soda startled, his eyes moving up to meet Steve's, as his best friend gripped each of his arms.
"Stop it! There ain't a hateful bone in your body, Sodapop. So don't ever say that."
"Sorry."
Steve saw Soda's eyes drop back down and lifted a hand to gently tap the side of his face, making him look up again. "It's all right, buddy. I didn't mean to be so harsh either. I just don't want you to start talking like that cause it'll really get stuck in your head. You dig? And it'll hurt you even more than you already are."
"Are you still my friend?"
"Of course I am. Nothing I've said to you lately has changed. You're my best friend, my brother. No feeling you've got or words you can say could mess that up. We've got one hell of a bond, buddy, and it ain't about to break."
"Hey, Steve?"
Steve stood on the Curtis' front porch, turning at the sound of Pony's voice. "What is it, Kid?"
Pony stepped outside, seeing the car keys in Steve's hand. "You hate leaving Soda, don't you?"
"Of course I do. What the hell else could you expect?"
"I didn't expect any different. Just saying."
"What do you want, Ponyboy? I really am about to head home."
"I want to talk to you."
"So talk."
"No. I mean really talk. And it's not stuff I want to risk Soda hearing."
"Okay. So what then? You want to come over to my house or something?"
"Yeah. I guess so."
Steve started to walk down the porch steps, waving Pony along with him. "All right then, Kid. Let's go. I don't got all night."
Curious eyes watched from inside the Curtis' house, the gaze a mix of anxiety and uncertainty, but glazed with a hint of pride.
