In the midst of conflict, grace was extended, as new links of trust were born through transparency.
"All right, Kid, spill it. Like I said, I don't got all night."
Pony sat on Steve's bedroom floor, ignoring the other Greaser's request for the moment, as he looked around. "Have I ever even been in here before?"
Steve sat down near Pony, letting out a short laugh, despite himself. "Not for more than a minute, I'm sure."
"We've only really talked in your car most of the time."
"Yeah. That's true. But come on, Kid. Tell me whatever the hell it is you need to."
"Gee, you're really making me understand why Soda talks to you so much."
"You can shove the sarcasm up your ass, Kid."
"I'd rather not, Steve, if you don't mind."
Steve let out a heavy sigh, arms crossed over his chest. "Okay. Enough of this shit. What's on your mind? Are you wanting to tell me what was up with you last night?"
"Yeah. I actually am. I really am sorry too. I shouldn't have been like that, and I get it if you're still pissed."
"Well, since you're sitting here with me, I guess I'm not too pissed anymore. I'm going to level with you though, Ponyboy. Anger ain't the main thing I felt. I bawled in Darry's arms in the middle of the kitchen."
"You did?"
"Yeah. It hurt, Kid. Because you brought up something that was hard for me to even tell you and because Soda means a lot to me. He always has, and you know it too. Yeah, he's your brother, but I care about him every bit as much as you do."
"I know. Any idiot could see that."
Steve eyed Pony, a smile forming on his face. "You calling yourself an idiot, Kid?"
Pony felt himself smile back, as he shoved Steve. "No. I ain't calling myself an idiot. Though I must've been close last night to say all that stuff and risk you beating my head in."
Steve rolled his eyes. "Oh. Please. You knew I wouldn't lay a hand on you. Mostly cause of Soda."
"Well, Darry was standing there too so..."
"Yeah, yeah. Superman would flip his lid, if I ever hit you. But still, I couldn't. I just couldn't cause it's you. No matter how much of a pain in the ass you're set on being and no matter that I know you were actually wanting to hurt me."
"I didn't want to hurt you, Steve."
"Could've fooled me, Kid. You brought up the abuse that you know put me through hell, and to top it off, you were using it to make it sound like my friendship with Soda shouldn't be how it is or something. We don't talk like we do just cause I was abused. Clara was a psycho though, so I'll give you that much."
"I just wish he'd talk to me too, Steve. That's all."
"Bullshit. I know there's more to it. You ain't any better at covering up your feelings than Soda is."
"How could you know there's more to it? You think you know so much. And Soda talks to you like he believes you know everything about stuff. It ain't fair."
"You're jealous."
"No, I ain't. I ain't jealous of anything, Steve Randle. I just don't get it. It shouldn't just be you all the time."
"Why not?"
"Cause I don't have anybody who talks to me like that. Not anymore."
"What do you mean 'not anymore'?"
"Johnny, okay? I'm talking about Johnny! Are you happy?"
"No. I ain't happy, Kid. Are you telling me you're hurting now cause me and Soda make you think of you and Johnny?"
"I never said I was hurting."
"You didn't have to. You wouldn't be saying any of what you are if you weren't."
"Oh. Like you know me so damn well."
"I know you well enough, Ponyboy. I've known you since you were what? Three years old? Besides, I ain't gotta know much to figure out you're hurting. You're sitting here and letting me see it."
"Well, maybe I shouldn't. I ain't Soda, in case you haven't noticed."
"Oh. Believe me, Kid. I've noticed. But if you just want to give me a hard time, why'd you ask to come over here? You said you wanted to be real with me, so go on ahead. I'm listening, even if you do seem to resent the hell out of me right now."
"Maybe this wasn't such a good idea."
"Look, Kid. I'm going to level with you here again. No, you're not Soda, but I do care about you, all right? And something made you come to me today, so whatever all it is, don't fuckin' bottle it up. If you do, you'll end up doing worse than lashing out at me."
"Like what?"
"I don't know, but I don't want you to end up hurting Soda cause of what's bothering you."
"It barely even makes any sense, Steve. I wanted to tell you earlier, but I don't know. It's crazy."
"I bet it ain't crazy. So far, I'm getting that you want Soda to talk to you, and somehow, it makes you think about Johnny."
"I guess it's just when I knew you'd spent all night with Soda, even slept right beside him, it did remind me of me and Johnny. But not just in any old way. It made me think of when we were in Windrixville."
"What about when you were in Windrixville? I don't really know much about when you and Johnny were gone. Except for what was happening around here, obviously. So what are you remembering, Kid?"
"Me and Johnny talked a lot, while we were there in that church. Each other was all we had. It was like the rest of the world couldn't even exist, especially at night."
"I know it had to be tough for both of you, Ponyboy. For what it's worth, I've always been glad you were safe."
"Johnny saved my life, Steve. He saved me from drowning. He took care of me while we were gone too."
"Yeah. I'm sure he had your back the whole time, and there was no way Johnny was ever going to let those Socs kill you in that fountain."
"He saved my life in the fire too. He made sure I got out of there in time."
"He was a good buddy, Kid. The gang was all he really had too. We were his real family."
"Johnny had it so much harder than I ever could, but he always listened to me. We could talk about anything with each other."
"He listened to you cause it ain't a contest about who's got it harder. You haven't had it easy either, by the way. Not even before all of that happened."
"He talked to me too, about how he felt and stuff like that. Even told me once he was going to kill himself cause he couldn't take it all anymore."
"You told me about him saying that."
"And now, Soda is feeling like that, and he'll barely tell me anything. He spends his nights telling you about it. So it's the two of you shut off from the world, like no one else exists."
"Darry, could you do something for me?"
Darry closed his checkbook and tucked the bills into his desk drawer, turning his attention to Soda. "Sure. What is it?"
Soda held the bottle of antidepressant pills, rolling it between his hands. "Can you keep these for me?"
Darry stood from his chair and reached for Soda's wrist, pulling him further into the room. "Yes. I can. But tell me why."
"Cause I'm afraid of what I could do."
Darry took the bottle of medication from Soda and set it on the dresser, before guiding his brother to sit down with him on the bed. "Dr. Morgan pulled me aside for a second right before we left earlier because she wanted to make sure someone would be keeping an eye on you with the medication anyway."
"Oh. Well, I guess that makes sense."
"Because of what you told her about the cough syrup and because she wants to make sure you do take it everyday too."
"I will, Dar. I'll take it like I'm supposed to. I just had these thoughts come into my head as soon as I looked at the bottle, and I don't know, it makes me nervous."
"It's okay, little buddy. It doesn't mean you'll do anything you shouldn't, and I'm glad you came and told me."
"I'm glad you were there with me today, Darry. I don't think I'd have made it without you."
Darry took Soda's hand and held it. "I'm glad I was too. But you did great, you know that? Cause you told Dr. Morgan everything. Even a lot of what you said while you were crying told her things that will be important. I think she learned quite a bit about you already."
"She was real easy to talk to, and she didn't even mind that I broke down."
"I could tell you were comfortable with her, and she sure didn't seem to mind coming to get me. She was very patient about all of it, and that's definitely the kind of person you need."
Soda squeezed his brother's hand, remembering all he'd said on the floor in Dr. Morgan's office. "I've sure got a lot bothering me, don't I, Darry?"
"Yeah. You do. Sounds like it's been there a while too. But you're going to pull through it. So you just hang in there, little buddy. You took a big step today, and that's going to make a huge difference."
"What the hell possessed the two of you to go acting like damn acrobats on a public sidewalk?"
Soda shrugged, a grin forming on his face, as he got into the passenger seat of Darry's truck. "I don't know, Dar. Just havin' fun."
Darry climbed into the driver's seat, before slamming the door shut. "I don't know what you're grinning about. Especially not when we're still in the parking lot of the police station."
"It ain't like we were hurting anyone."
"Sodapop, do you even get it?"
"Get what?"
"You're lucky they're not calling child services."
"But why would they do that? We weren't doing anything bad, Darry. I swear it!"
"I know that, little buddy. But you still got arrested. I just got custody of you and Pony months ago, and you got in trouble with the police."
"Oh. I wasn't- I wasn't even thinking about it like that. I was just glad they didn't make me stay here, and you didn't either."
"You never thought I would, did you?"
"No. Not really. I just hated being in there, cop looking at me, like I did something awful. He didn't have to arrest us."
"You're right about that. But, all the same, no more goofin' off anywhere but at home. I'm not about to lose ya'll just cause you got bored."
"Sorry, Dar. I wouldn't ever want to do anything to get taken away from you. I won't cause any more trouble, I promise."
"Kid, you don't have to try that hard not to cry. Not like I haven't seen it before."
Pony closed his eyes, trying to hold back the tears, knowing Steve was looking right at him. "I've cried in front of you a lot lately."
Steve put a gentle hand on Pony's back, as he leaned closer to him. "Yeah. But it ain't a big deal to me. You know I cry too. Hell, I'd rather you cry than be yelling at me and shit."
"I won't ever say anything like I did last night again, Steve. You didn't deserve that. I'm sad, and I took it out on you."
"Yeah. I think I get it now, Kid."
"I wish Johnny hadn't died."
"I know. I do too, Ponyboy. We all do."
"Besides Soda, I was closer to him than anybody else. He understood me."
Steve was silent for a moment, his hand still on Pony's back, seeing that he was finally giving in to the tears.
"Steve, I don't want Soda to die."
"He's not, Kid."
"But Darry told me he was having a lot of suicidal thoughts, and it made ya'll think he was going to hurt himself."
"We did think that, but he didn't hurt himself."
"You think he'll always come to you when he feels like that?"
"Yeah. I do, Ponyboy."
"Soda told me it helped to talk that night, just like you said. If I ever felt like he is, he's the first one I'd go to."
"Just keep telling him you're there for him. Like I've said before, even if Soda doesn't tell you everything, you can still be there. Maybe you should tell him what you told me about Johnny and stuff."
"Maybe I will. I guess I am kind of jealous, Steve. But I swear I don't mean to be."
"I know. Come here, Kid." Steve drew Pony close and wrapped his arms around him.
Pony, stunned at the action, took a few seconds to hug back. Yet, once he did, he melted into the embrace, no longer trying to hold back the cries.
Steve held onto Pony, letting several moments pass, before he spoke. "Hey, do you even know what you're doing, Kid?
"Huh? You mean bawlin' on your shoulder?"
"Well, yeah. You are doing that. But you're also breaking that heart no one's supposed to know I have."
Pony smiled, despite the lingering tears on his face. "I don't know, Steve. I think that secret's already out."
"Hey, TwoBit. Where you been lately?"
TwoBit joined Soda on the Curtis' couch, propping his feet up on the coffee table. "Oh. You know. Here and there."
Soda finished off his plate of food, setting it down on the end table. "Here and there, huh? Nothing fun?"
"Nah. Not really. How about you? I hear you're running wild."
Soda chuckled, as he propped his own feet up next to TwoBit's. "Yeah. I'm out of control, man. Totally reckless."
TwoBit stared at Soda, the smile gradually fading from his face. "Are you okay, Sodapop?"
"Sure. I'm okay. Why?"
"Cause I've heard some of what's been going on with you lately."
"Oh. Well, I'm not as bad as I was."
TwoBit nodded his head toward Soda's right arm. "How's the arm and all that?"
Soda followed TwoBit's gaze for a moment, then looked back up at his friend. "All right, really. I mean, I have symptoms sometimes cause of the nerve, but it's better."
"How's your head?"
"My head?"
"Yeah. How are you feeling?"
"I told you I'm okay."
TwoBit pulled his feet off the coffee table and put them flat on the floor, his eyes on Soda. "I'll just ask for real then. Are you still thinking what I've heard you were? Are you feeling like doing something to hurt yourself?"
"No, TwoBit. I'm not. Not right now anyway, and if I do, I still won't."
TwoBit put a hand on Soda's shoulder, his grey eyes void of all their usual cheer. "Look I know Darry and Steve both have got your back, and neither of them is about to budge when it comes to you. But I want you to know, even when it's this serious, you've got me too."
"Man, I wish I would've been there."
TwoBit chuckled, agreeing with Steve, as he recounted the sidewalk acrobatics from the Curtis' front porch. "Yeah. I was trying to do a cartwheel, but I kind of missed."
Soda sat on the porch swing, smiling, despite the heaviness that had been cast over the incident. "Kind of missed? You landed on your ass, instead of your feet."
Steve laughed at the image. "Yep, you were disturbing something all right. I ain't sure why they call it peace cause there's sure none of that in Tulsa anyway."
TwoBit shook his head, running a hand down on of his rusty sideburns. "Hell, no, there ain't. The fuzz just didn't want us raining on their parade. Probably wanted to haul us in just to have something to do."
Soda looked out into the frontyard, grin still there, as he reflected. "Yeah, they ain't got any kind of sense of humor."
Steve dropped down onto the swing beside Soda, arm casually draping around his best friend's shoulders. "Yeah. It was a bullshit arrest all right. That's all it was."
"Hey, Pone, you and Steve off bonding or something?"
Pony stepped onto the back porch, where Soda sat on the steps, an ice pack on the concrete beside him. "Hey, that's going to melt, ain't it?"
Soda chuckled, his arm and hand still cold from where the ice pack had been on his skin. "Not too soon, it won't. I'll put it back in the freezer. You didn't answer my question."
Pony sat down beside Soda, green eyes staring out into the backyard, before landing on his middle brother. "Yeah. I guess we were."
Soda slipped his arm around Pony and rested his head on top of his little brother's. "I'm sorry, Pony."
Pony wrapped his arm around Soda's waist, finding that he was soaking in his presence. "Sorry? Why, Soda?"
"Cause I know you want me to tell you more than I have. But I can't- I can't do that to you."
"You can't do what to me?"
"Destroy the way you've always seen me."
"What do you mean? How do you believe I see you?"
"Like I'm happy all the time. Like nothing can hurt me the way it can everybody else."
"I don't think stuff can't hurt you, Soda, and maybe I used to think you were happy all the time. But now, I know different."
"I ain't perfect either, Pony, and I'm not as strong as you think I am. I can't just smile and make all this go away."
"I'm not expecting you to, and I know you're not perfect. Just cause I look up to you doesn't mean I think you are. You are strong though, even if you don't always feel like it. You wouldn't be sitting here telling me all this, if you weren't."
"I love you, Pony, and I'm sorry I keep disappointing you. I ain't so happy-go-lucky anymore, am I?"
"No. Maybe you aren't. But you're still my brother, and I love you more than anyone in the world. You haven't disappointed me at all. How could you? It ain't your fault you're sad, and it ain't even your fault that you can't tell me everything."
"What did you and Steve talk about?"
"Mostly me and Johnny."
"Oh. I didn't expect that." Soda lifted his head up, but still kept his arm around Pony. "Are you okay, Kiddo? You can still talk to me, you know. I wouldn't want you to think you can't, no matter what I'm going through."
"I don't. It's not that. It's just I was kind of a jerk to Steve when he stopped by last night, and I had to straighten it out."
"Oh. I'm real glad ya'll are getting along, Pone. It's tuff to see."
"Yeah. Me too. He's made me get why he's your best friend."
"So what did that have to do with you and Johnny?"
"I guess I just miss him, you know?"
"Yeah. I know. I miss him too."
"And you and Steve, well, ya'll make me miss him more cause of the way you're always talking about stuff."
"I'm sorry, Pony. I didn't know that."
"It ain't your fault, Soda. And even though I kind of got where I didn't sound like it, I'm glad you have Steve."
"It sounds like I ain't the only one who has Steve."
"Yeah. I guess you're not. I know I've told you I'm here for you and all that. But, this time, I want to say it's okay to come and tell me if you're having the suicidal thoughts or anything else. It's also okay if you don't. Cause all I want to know, what matters the most, is that you talk to someone. Even if it's not me."
"God, it's just felt so much more real the last couple of days. And like it's hitting me over and over again."
Nicholas looked out at Steve, seeing his son's lips moving in prayer, before he opened the front door. "Hey, Son. You okay?"
Steve shook his head from his place on the porch swing. "No, Dad. I'm not."
Nicholas didn't hesitate in joining Steve, immediately coming to sit down beside him. "What's going on?"
Steve reached for Nicholas' hand, then laid his head on his shoulder. "I'm just shaken up from everything."
"I know, Son. But just keep doing what you are. Keep being there." Nicholas squeezed the hand that had covered his own, as he looked up, his belief in God not fading. "And keep praying."
Soda smiled at the girl before him, his mind already fast-forwarding to a future that didn't seem so out of reach."I love you, Sandy."
Sandy's blue eyes met Soda's brown ones that were genuine, as he waited for her reply. "I love you too, Soda."
"Darry, wake up. Something's wrong."
Darry heard Soda's voice, picking up on its urgency, even as he could barely open his eyes. "Huh? What is it?"
Soda lie on the bed beside Darry, as a tingling sensation moved throughout his entire body, his ears ringing. "Don't know. Just feel weird and weak."
Darry felt sleep lose its grip on him and sat up to turn on his bedside lamp, the light letting him get a better look at Soda, whose skin appeared flushed. "You think it's the anxiety you've had lately?"
Soda's vision blurred, as he looked up at Darry, his chest getting tight in a way that felt unfamiliar. "No. Feels different. Worse."
Darry watched Soda's eyes close, his body still for only seconds, before it started to jerk and shake, the movements out of control.
A call was placed and sirens blared, red lights flashing within the night to signal that help was on the way.
