Chapter Forty-Six

No one could have been as hopelessly distracted as I was when I left Pandai after another long day. Chairman Oizumi had been in contact and a date had been set. Now to tell my parents… and Kotoko. Though it wasn't likely she'd say much, telling her was going to be worse than telling my mother, who was going to have a fit of massive proportions. But I'd already decided not to let this bother me.

Outside the front entrance, I discovered that someone had been waiting for me. In light of recent events, my taking leave from college and resigning from Teppan to work full-time at Pandai, I'd scarcely seen Yuuko.

She wandered right up to me, looking plagued, "Irie-kun," she hesitated, "If you're not busy right now, there was something I wanted to talk to you about."

Uh-oh.

"I don't have anywhere to be. We can talk." I said. I waited for her to begin.

"Not here. Let's go for a walk." She said and started on ahead of me. I casted my uneasiness to the side and followed her.

She didn't utter a word and seemed to be thinking pretty hard. I wondered about what she wanted. I hoped she wouldn't say what I was guessing she would.

We walked until we arrived at an empty parking lot. She slowed and turned to face me, but she didn't take her eyes off the ground for a solid ten seconds.

"I know I am being selfish." Yuuko began, her eyes baring directly into mine now, "You're going through difficult times, and you work a lot. You must be under a lot of stress. But…" She trailed off, getting lost in thought yet again.

"But what?" I said. I knew exactly where this was going. She almost didn't need to say anything more.

"I love you, Irie-kun," Yuuko took a breath and smoothed out her hair, "There, I've said it to you straight. Since I can say it straight, I want you to do the same for me. How do you feel about me? Do you feel the same way, or am I going to feel like an idiot in a moment?"

I strung together words in my head, trying to form a way for it to sound not so blunt, but still get the message across. This was going to get messy now. Rejecting her would hurt her pride, and in turn we wouldn't be as easy friends as before. There would always be that sting.

I read disappointment on her face in the time I took to think.

"Sorry," I said, "I've never thought of you as more than a friend."

Yuuko threw her arms around me, "I really do love you," She sniffed, "I've never felt like this before. I can't just give up."

She hugged me for a moment longer, and then, with her face already inches from mine, she leaned toward me.

I pulled away. She was hurt and insulted.

"Sorry, but I can't kiss you." I said. Yuuko stepped back.

"Why?" She asked, "Who would you kiss, then?"

The question caught me off guard. How had this suddenly turned back onto me? I decided to do something careless.

"I've kissed Kotoko." I said. Yuuko's jaw dropped slightly. She gaped at me, clearly unsure about whether or not she should believe it.

A sharp, cold laugh escaped her, "I can't believe this. I feel so humiliated," Another of the same kind of laugh bounced off the walls of the surrounding buildings, "I hope your father recovers well, and soon." She held herself together and strode off, leaving me alone in the parking lot.

Or so I thought.

A bush rustled from the sidewalk. I held my breath, wishing it to be an animal. I walked back to the sidewalk to find a certain someone in a pink sweater crouched down on the ground, shuffling around so I wouldn't see her.

You better not have heard any of that…

"Kotoko," I brought her to attention, "You can stop pretending you don't exist now… eavesdropping on me."

She stood and brushed herself off, "Sorry. You were late, so I came to look for you." She didn't seem too incredibly excited. I relaxed with the thought that maybe she'd been too far away to hear.

Before now, had she found out anything by accident, it might've been okay. But now she could never know or it might just do enough to convince me to cancel the arrangement.

I walked on, Kotoko catching up as I found a bench and sat. Maybe now would be a good time to tell her about the arranged marriage meeting.

But maybe not… No, I couldn't bring myself to do it with her looking at me like that. I wasn't ready for all that admiration to sink into a pit of despondency. I'd seen her like that before when she thought I moved in with Yuuko and it was something I wasn't looking forward to seeing again. The news would break her spirit.

"My father isn't actually doing very well," I said, "I went with my mother yesterday to listen to what the doctor had to say. He's stable right now, sure, but he is susceptible to attacks under pressure. He has a heart disease."

"He's going to be okay though, isn't he?" Kotoko asked gently.

"He should be, but he won't be going back to work for quite a while."

"Oh. I see."

"The disease is caused by stress and anxiety. Because of this depression, Pandai's performance worsened. That was why he wanted a successor right away," I found a way to start slipping it in, "Pandai is trying to prepare for a merger now. If it happens, all of the company's problems will be solved. If I take over as President, it'll solve my father's problem, too."

"But I thought your dream was to become a doctor." Kotoko gazed at me like I was fragile, her voice so soft.

I nodded, "It hasn't been very long since I've had that dream anyway." I wished she would stop looking at me with such a sad expression. It made my head swim with everything I was losing, including her.

"So, you're giving up?" Kotoko asked. The way it was phrased, it was as though she was reading my mind. And the answer to it was yes. I was giving up being a doctor, and also a second thing she didn't know about. It left me without any words. I felt myself go numb.

When I didn't answer, Kotoko swung around and hugged me from behind. She didn't ask any more questions. I let her arms cling to me. I thought about that second kiss she hadn't been awake for. It would be the last one and she didn't even know it existed.

This was it… the last of anything between us. This last hug. As I thought it, part of me hardened, diminishing, refusing to feel anything.

Her arms left me.

I had to let go now.