Chapter Fifty
It took three days until Sahoko called again, allowing my mind another short rest. And as I took off for the date, I filled my head with blank space to meet her at the art gallery we'd planned on going to.
Not to my surprise, I found her in another dress. Once again, she had arrived before me. That was a quality I liked: being on time.
"You look very beautiful in that dress, Sahoko-san." I met her with a smile that spelled truth and concealed any false feelings I held.
"Thank you so much. As do you look handsome in your suit. I like a well-dressed man." At least I could say that her smile was sincere as she beamed at me in the dullest way possible.
We entered the double glass doors into a clean, bare building. With its white walls and glass floors, it reminded me of a hospital. But as we came farther down the hall and turned, it changed from bare walls to spattered with paintings.
Sahoko stopped to admire one of a cherry blossom tree.
"I wonder what the artist was thinking when they painted this. It's so peaceful. It's like every stroke of color flows into the next." She took a look below the frame and examined the name of the artist, "She sure is a very talented painter."
We wandered ahead, toward small groups of people scattered around the gallery, each examining a different painting or clay structure.
Another piece caught Sahoko's eye and we stopped.
"I feel like this artist must've been going through a hard time when he painted this. What do you think, Naoki-san?" She said.
I gazed at the painting. Splattered with black rain as the background lingered in shades of black and white, it held a familiar meaning to me.
"Yes, I agree with that. You have a good eye." I turned the attention back to her, dropping the thought of the painting off somewhere else far away from me and managing a meek smile.
"My grandfather used to bring me to these kinds of galleries a lot as a kid. I guess I just learned how to judge the emotions each work holds." She wrung her hands together modestly.
"Not everyone can do that. You're very intelligent."
This girl had nothing wrong with her, I reminded myself. She was the perfect kind of girl anyone would want. I would be lucky to marry her.
Sahoko came up to a twisty, billowy clay sculpture and looped around to examine it from all angles. She commented that its twists made it seem confused yet defined.
For only one swift moment, I could see Kotoko in here… running around, pretending to understand the meanings behind the works, and almost knocking over that twisty sculpture we'd just left behind.
The image fizzled out before it could have any effect on me.
Sahoko brought me to another painting and pursed her lips as she eyeballed it, "I'm not so sure about this one."
This painting was full of reds and oranges. It made me think that perhaps the creator was angry or frustrated when they made it.
We moved on and on through the whole gallery, Sahoko with insightful comments on each piece of artwork here. I was relieved when we came back to the doors to exit.
"I've had a great time. I hope we can go out again soon." Sahoko said.
I nodded in agreement, "Absolutely. I'll be in touch with you soon and we can arrange another date then." I wore another empty smile.
"I can't wait. Goodnight, Naoki-san." She waved me goodbye and departed.
I took straight off for home. It was dark out by now, so luckily it wasn't too far of a walk.
On the way back, I had the overwhelming feeling of lifelessness. This seemed to happen after every date with Sohoko. The conversations so bland and meaningless, they left my mind in a sort of void for the time being.
Halfway home, I heard a voice, the blank slate my mind had once been, disturbed.
"Hey… Mr. Handsome Man, in the suit." Kinnosuke said, sounding rather angry. He emerged from the darkness beyond a streetlight. I didn't stop for him. He was the last person I needed on my case. I just wanted to be left alone.
"On your way home from a date with that rich girl?" He taunted, trying to get a rise out of me. Needless to say, my mind was still a blank slate.
"Hey! Wait up!" He called and caught up to me. I stopped and faced him. There was no point in avoiding him.
"Just how do you feel about Kotoko?" Such a blunt question, and one I wasn't going to answer for him.
I glared at him, "That's none of your business."
"Of course it's my business!" The way he was looking at me, you'd have thought I was a murderer, "You've been leading her on for a very long time now, making her think she has a chance when she doesn't and never did. I'm the one who has to hear about all of the things you do and see her not being herself because of you, unhappy."
Kinnosuke took a breath and so did I. I wondered about how hurtful some of what she'd told him was. It must've been pretty awful, considering how indignant he was with me at the moment. What was worse was that it was true. I'd been hurting her more than I wanted to, and especially in the last few weeks.
"Kotoko is such a special person to me. You're hurting my special person so badly and you expect me to keep my mouth shut? I can't anymore." Kinnosuke seemed to be warning me, but his threats were never more than meager.
"Then what are you going to do about it?" I questioned, truly curious about what was going on in his idiot head.
His nostrils flared and his eyes wanted to burn out of their sockets, "I'm going to take Kotoko away from you. If it takes everything in me to do it, I will get her over someone as cold as you. I'm through seeing her hurt, so now I'm protecting her from you."
My blood ran cold. I could see his determination. With the way he hated me, I must've been hurting Kotoko more than I'd known.
Maybe, I thought, it would be better for her to be with him.
Kinnosuke and her were alike on many levels. He could understand her in a way that I couldn't. Me and her weren't a good match from the start. If he could do this, maybe I should just let him. I could let her be happy for once, because if she was with me, she was never going to be.
Kinnosuke continued, "So, continue on your way and don't bother her. I'm sure you understand since there's a girl you want to marry…"
No, I don't want to marry her.
"And if she's as precious to you as Kotoko is to me, then I hope you can just let us be. I really can't stand seeing her suffer so much anymore."
I had nothing else to say, letting his words sink in. My breaths shallow, my heart stilled, it was fair to say that it was quite painful. The thought of losing her was cutting, even if I'd already decided to let her go.
The air between us was silent. It seemed he wanted an answer out of me, but I had nothing left to offer.
"What do you say to that, Naoki Irie?"
I pulled my voice out of where it had been stuck in my throat, "Do whatever you want." I muttered as I made my way by him and home.
Inside the door, I ignored my mother and mechanically climbed the stairs to go to my bedroom. My mind loitered in between utterly blank and utterly sad. With this confusion, I felt sick to my stomach. My head pounded.
I laid my bag down on the desk chair and sat on the edge of my bed, wondering what I was doing. I sat back and rubbed my eyes, ready for today to be over, but not sure I was ready for tomorrow to begin either.
Like a slow leak in a dam, images of her began to creep into my mind with no purpose other than to make me miserable. What was once comfort was now becoming the death of me.
No. I refused, wiping the slate clean again. Better to have no thoughts at all than to have that.
There was a knock at the door and Yuuki slipped in without waiting for an answer. I straightened up. He didn't need to see me like this.
"Are you really going to marry the girl you had the meeting with?" He inquired. I decided to pretend there was no reason for the doubt in his eyes.
"What's this, all of a sudden?" I said, bringing myself to sit up.
"Are you?" He insisted.
"It'll probably happen, yes." My voice sounded gruff as I said it. My mouth wanted to reject forming the words.
Yuuki asked another, more prying question that he must've already known the answer to, "Do you really love her?" He knelt beside my bed.
"What is with this, Yuuki?"
"Tell me, please…" He bored into me, knowing my secrets, "Because you love Kotoko, don't you?"
My heart dropped and I stared at the wall. I opted out of talking about her, "I'll introduce you to Sahoko-san sometime soon. She's beautiful and I hear she's a good cook. I'm sure you'll like her." I smoothed out Yuuki's hair, "She's a good match for me." I crossed my arms, "I'm sure everything will work out."
Yuuki gazed at me. Being so smart, he had to have known that I wasn't happy with this, but he finally left me.
No matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't convince myself into believing that Sahoko and I would be good for each other. And the harder I tried, it seemed, the more it was rejected.
