The speed at which Nokk could run was still intoxicating—no normal horse could run at such a pace and do it so elegantly—and horses were one thing she did know something about. Fast fluid leaps up, over and around, skating gracefully across the terrain as if they were one with it—melding with its features rather than fighting against them. It was as if the earth itself recognized Nokk's presence and respectfully bowed itself out of the way of her imminent path. If she closed her eyes, it felt like flying—fears, plans, ruminations that plagued her, life itself all fell away and nothing else in the world seemed to matter except the sound of the wind. She became one with Nokk, and it was pure freedom.
The bonus, in this moment, were the two slender arms that linked around her middle, holding tightly, attached to the warm body that pressed up against her back as they flew through the landscape.
Honeymaren.
She could still not wrap her head around what had slowly grown between them in the past few months, to say nothing of what had transpired in the past few days. Learning things she never thought she could learn, feeling things she never thought she would experience and growing to love someone in such a way that she never could have foreseen. It was somehow overwhelming, she wasn't quite sure what to do with all of it, but it felt so utterly right. One step at a time, Anna had once told her. Simplify. She knew she had the propensity to overthink, and think herself way too many steps ahead. It was part of what made strategizing as queen so easy, but in terms of her own life it usually left her a mess. One step at a time, simplify, be in the moment Anna had said. So she would do that now. And right now she felt happy—more than happy. It was a completeness that she had never felt before, and it was because of Maren. Maren made her happy, and wherever Maren was, she wanted to be too—and she would leave it there for now.
Nokk abruptly slammed to a halt, jarring her out of her thoughts and sending Maren lurching forward into her. Elsa threw her arms forward onto Nokk's mane to brace them both from being thrown off.
'What…? Are you ok?' Elsa asked over her shoulder, shaken by the bluntness of the stop.
'Yeah, are you?' Maren returned. Elsa nodded in response. 'Look.'
Maren was pointing down the path they were traveling. Nokk snorted and moved backward a few paces. Elsa rubbed the horse's neck and squinted to look down the wooded pathway—what stood there was a tall dark figure. Upon closer inspection it looked like a very tall man, but it was not a man. Whatever it was, seemed to be made of twisted gnarled wood in the shape of a man. Little roots, plants and vines were woven into the sinewy wooden muscles of the thing, its fingers and toes a mass of twisted twigs. Its beady eyes reflected green, and almost seemed to glow in the shade of the forest, piercing right into her. Elsa had never before seen such a thing, and it unnerved her.
'Draugr.' Maren whispered in her ear.
'What?' Elsa whispered back. The thing cocked its head unnaturally as if it had heard her. She didn't like it. Her head suddenly felt foggy, and she had a strong urge to get away from this thing.
'Draugrs. I think they're like cousins of the Jötnar—earth giants. They possess a lower, minimal form of magic, but I've never actually seen one. They normally stay in secluded tribes, very few people have ever seen one.'
'What is it doing standing there then?' It came out harsher than she meant. The sudden headache that came on was pulsing in her temples and made it hard to think. It must have been from the adrenaline jolt of Nokk stopping so suddenly.
'I don't know…'
The thing—draugr—suddenly lurched forward and started to walk towards them—if you could call what it was doing walking. Clumsily awkward, it lumbered forward in bizarre jerky movements, cocking its head this way and that, piercing her with its strange glowing eyes. She looked away, suddenly nauseated at the sight of the thing. Nokk must have had enough at that point too because she abruptly darted to the right and off the path into the woods. The cool breeze swept over Elsa's face and alleviated the headache some. She was glad Nokk had run from that thing.
'Change of plans. Let's stop home first—I want to tell Yelena about this.' Maren spoke into her ear. Elsa nodded, not about to argue. She wasn't sure she wanted to travel all the way down to Arendelle today anyway with the headache still pounding as it was. Plus evening was upon them, it was best to wait until morning.
When they reached the outskirts of the Northuldra camp the sun was mostly gone, leaving them surrounded in a hazy purple twilight. Nokk had steered them to the nearest body of water and they dismounted. Elsa touched her forehead to Nokk's and stroked her snout, returning her from ice to her liquid form and thanking her silently as she always did, before the horse dove into the river and disappeared.
'I love watching you do that.' Came Maren's whisper as she laced her fingers with Elsa's and brought her hand up to warm lips to kiss it. A lovely tingle ran up Elsa's arm and she could feel warmth of embarrassment spread across her cheeks. Compliments had always made her uncomfortable, and she still wasn't sure why. She had gotten more of them than most people probably saw in a lifetime in her tenure as queen, but many if not all of them had felt superficial. Not that she cared, if she had to receive them at all, superficial was easier to skate around. It was these type of genuine compliments that made her uneasy, as if something had probed her in a most vulnerable place. She was thrilled Maren thought that way about her, and yet there was the uncomfortable heat of embarrassment crawling its way up her neck and into her face. Perhaps she would never fully understand all the odd contradictions that resided within herself. So she simply smiled and squeezed her hand back in thanks. Maren always seemed to know what she meant without having to explain herself anyway. And she so loved that about her.
They walked in comfortable silence, hand in hand back towards the camp, and soon the soft glow of firelight came into view.
'There she is.' Maren picked up her pace and pulled Elsa towards Yelena. The older woman was kneeling by herself, in front of a fire sipping tea.
'Yelena!' Maren called as they approached her.
'Ladies.' Yelena answered as she stood to greet them. Her penetrating hazel eyes flicked between them suspiciously, then down at their intertwined hands. Elsa quickly yanked her hand free of Maren's and clasped her own together. Maren shot her a brief strange, almost hurt look before returning to face Yelena, whose eyes were still uncomfortably suspicious. The look Maren had thrown her hurt somewhere inside, but she wasn't sure what to do about it right then in front of Yelena.
'What's going on with you two?' Yelena's voice was laced with suspicion that now matched her eyes. It was more of a demand than a question. Elsa's heartbeat quickened and she suddenly wished she were somewhere else.
After a heartbeat, Maren blessedly diverted with: 'Well, we think we saw a draugr.' Surprise and confusion now replaced the suspicion in Yelana's features. This was clearly not what she was expecting to hear.
'I'm not sure, I've never actually seen one, but I don't think it could've been anything else.' Maren continued.
'Where were you when you saw it, what was it doing?' Yelena sounded concerned, but not alarmed which eased Elsa. If Yelena wasn't disturbed by that thing, it was probably nothing.
'We were riding Nokk back this way.' Elsa stated and gestured towards the direction of the mountains from which they rode in on. 'We saw it an hour ride from here, maybe less. It was standing alone in the middle of the path just staring at us.' She curled her arms up and around her middle thinking about it again. It felt for a moment as if Maren would reach out to her, but there was hesitation, and she didn't.
'Yelena, I thought those things preferred to live alone with their tribes in seclusion. What was it doing there?'
'I don't know Maren. The small amount of magic they possess protects them from other living beings—it acts as a shield in a way. Cloaking themselves from any living thing they choose—including magic—so they can continue to live peacefully in isolation. Normally yes, they stay closely knit within their tribes and are not aggressive, so it is concerning that you saw a rogue. Maybe it got separated or lost from its tribe—honestly we just don't know that much about them.'
Maren was nodding her head pensively. Elsa was glad for the information, but just wanted to forget about that thing for the moment and lie down. It didn't seem lost or confused, it felt deliberately like it had looked into her soul without her permission. Her head was pulsing again and she really wanted to leave.
'Thank you, Yelena. I think I'm going to go lie down. Night Maren.'
'Are you ok?' Came Maren's concerned voice.
'I'm fine, just, just tired.' She said it over her shoulder as she started to walk away. The concern in Maren's voice cut through her like a knife, but all of this was too much and she just needed to get away and collect herself.
'Can I talk to you please, for a moment?' It was Yelena, but her voice came in a hushed authoritative tone that she could tell was directed at Maren. She felt bad for leaving her there, at the mercy of Yelena alone, but the headache was making her nauseated again. Her chest was clenching and her throat started to feel constricted—if she didn't lie down and get away from all the people who were watching her now she was going to lose it.
Once she got to the far end of camp and to her small lavvu hut she was feeling only slightly better. Relieved to be away from people's prying eyes and Yelena's knowing gaze, but worse for how abruptly she had left Maren—and she wanted to apologize to her for ripping her hand away like that. She still wasn't entirely sure why her instinct had been to do that.
It was ridiculous, in her mind, that at twenty-five she still had these unexpected bouts of anxiety like this. Her powers were (mostly) under control, she felt so at ease being around Maren and she was so free now with little to none of the previous responsibilities that she had attributed much of this anxiety to in the past. And yet, here it still was, rearing its ugly head, crawling up her chest at the worst moments—to make her appear even more strange and antisocial then she actually was, and causing her to lie to people she cared about.
She flopped down on her pad and threw an arm over her face, unwilling to continue dissecting the sad confusing state of her psyche. She could think of nothing more she could do to rid herself of this plague of anxiety, and that thought alone was depressing.
All she had really done now was throw much of the cause of it on her little sister, and she groaned at her own selfishness. That's not solely why she had abdicated of course—it would've been near impossible to spend as much time as was necessary for a queen to spend in Arendelle when she had so much vested interest in the forest now. But she would be lying to herself if she didn't at least acknowledge that part of it was to do with being free of the entire anxiety-inducing queenly business once and for all. But could she have really gone back to it? No, she already knew that answer, had spent far too much time on this precise train of thought before she made her final decision, and the final answer she always came back to was no. After finding out everything about herself, her mother, the spirits and the Northuldra and where she fit into all of that—the answer was that she didn't want to go back to Arendelle and rule it as its queen. She loved being part of the forest, and there was still so much more to discover, about it and herself—she would have been a useless distracted queen with all that obsessing constantly running through her mind. And yet, the guilt about it all and anxiety for Anna had never fully left. She wasn't sure it ever would completely.
She sighed—she would sleep it off, that usually worked, if the anxiety wasn't too bad to begin with—and it currently wasn't by her usual standards. The fact that she even had 'usual standards' for anxiety was another miserable deduction and she took a deep breath and tried to clear her mind and relax—as Maren would tell her to do if she were here. She missed her already. She missed Anna too. How was that possible to need to be alone—to want to be alone—to purposely extricate oneself from everyone who cared about you and yet miss them so desperately?
It was possibly the definition of insanity, and sometimes she truly felt insane.
She ran a hand over her forehead and through her hair in exasperation, then returned the arm over her eyes. The pressure from her arm did at least relieve some of the headache.
She tensed when she felt something skitter up her leg and perch atop the one knee she had propped up—but quickly relaxed upon realizing what it was. No ice had formed so that was something at least. She raised the arm off of her eyes just a bit so she could peer under it.
'Hi Bruni.' She smiled at the tiny salamander perched atop her knee as if he was the proud owner of a new mountain summit. Moonlight streaked in just enough for her to glimpse his blue skin before he skittered down her thigh, up her abdomen and curled up just under her neck. A soft sizzle noise escaped under his body as he cooled himself on her cold skin. She giggled at the ticklish feeling of his little feet and hands scampering all over her and the unnatural warmth of his fiery little lizard body on her skin. It was a rather calming presence though, to have him there, and she focused on his warmth over her chest as she drifted off to sleep.
She awoke in the dark on her side, to the feeling of a warm body close in behind her. The quiet easy movements and familiar smell of pine told her it was Maren. The first month or so after moving to Northuldra had been a rather hard adjustment—and at night her anxiety would spike. Maren quickly became her first real friend after moving here, and would often stay with her into the night just to talk and make her feel at ease. Their late night chats had often led to them falling asleep in one another's lavvu's, and it had gotten to a point where Elsa had started to prefer sleeping next to Maren rather than alone. Her presence was warm and calming and it was hard to sleep without it now.
'Sorry to wake you.' Maren's voice whispered near her ear.
'It's ok, I'm glad you're here.' She whispered back groggily, running her thumb over the hand that intwined with hers. 'I'm sorry about before—' She started but Maren cut her off.
'Elsa don't be sorry. I just had a long chat with Yelena and she reminded me of a few important things.'
'Like what?' Maren's other hand continued to run over her head, fingers gliding softly over her hair. It felt nice and made her drowsy.
'Like the fact that, what is going on between you and I isn't exactly customary or even accepted in Arendelle. And that I should give you time to adjust to it—that is, if you want to.'
'Wait, so does that mean it is accepted here?' This was entirely new information to her. Maren let out a soft chuckle. 'Yes, it is very accepted here. In fact it's strange for me to realize that there are places where same sex relationships are considered odd. Ryder and I were raised by two mothers you know.' This caused Elsa to sit up and look at her.
'Two mothers… as in, they were in love?' Her eyes had adjusted to the dark and she could make out Maren smiling back at her.
'Yep, and the best moms we could have ever asked for. Strongest women I've ever known. They loved us so much, I thank the spirits for them every day still.'
'Loved?' The past tense use of the word was not lost on her.
'They passed. Years ago. We think it was some kind of accident—they left on a hike and never returned. We never found any trace of them.' Elsa was reeling from all of this. There was so much about Maren she still didn't know, why had she never thought to ask? The surge of emotion she felt just then threatened to drown her though, parents leaving on an innocent trip, never to return. If there was one thing she understood, it was that.
'I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I never asked… Thank you for telling me.' She grabbed Maren's hand in both of hers and rubbed her thumb over it. Maren nodded and squeezed her hand.
'Elsa I don't want to lose you, but I really want to make sure you're comfortable with this, with all of this.' She gestured between them.
Elsa sighed. 'Yelena was right, this is—new territory for me and it may take me a while to be comfortable around other people. In Arendelle what we're doing is just...' She trailed off, not sure how to continue. Maren continued to listen intently, so she tried again. 'It's difficult. But the one thing I do know is that I love being with you. I—I don't really understand it myself, but I know what I feel—and I can't seem to ignore it even when I try.'
'I can't either.' Came Maren's whisper. Elsa smiled inwardly at hearing that. 'Well we can just take it one step at a time, no rush, no pressure—I just love being around you—especially when I can get you to smile.' Maren added with a smirk of her own. A small smile tugged at Elsa's lips as she appraised Maren for a moment, then leaned in to find warm lips waiting for her. They kissed softly, gently—how long had it been since they last kissed? She wasn't sure, but it felt far too long.
'Stay with me tonight?' Elsa whispered, loathe to break the kiss but needing to ask. Was there such a thing as wanting to be together alone? That's what she wanted, as contradictory as that may have been.
'Sure.' Came the answer. They laid down together and arms enfolded Elsa as she curled into them.
'How's your head?'
Elsa scrunched her brow in confusion. 'How did you know about that?'
She could feel Maren's light chuckle in her chest next to her ear. 'I just know you I guess, plus I could kind of sense it.' She placed a hand on Elsa's forehead and started to rub small circles in her temples between her thumb and fingers exactly where the headache pulsed the strongest. Elsa let out a soft sigh, the relief that brought was magic in itself. A tingly sensation spread across her head then, bringing with it more relief, and suddenly her head felt heavy and she was tired. She slung her arm around Maren's middle and pulled herself closer to her.
'I love you.' Elsa thought she heard whisper just over her, but sleep had already taken her.
