'Are you sure you're ok?' Elsa asked carefully, stooping slightly to look into Anna's puffy eyes.
They were still tucked up in the dark tree line, away from any eyes that might be watching from the camp, so she couldn't see Anna's face well enough to know for sure.
'I'm ok now, yeah.' Anna assured her with a smile, wiping one hand across her eyes just to make sure the tears were all gone.
Anna hadn't remotely been herself since Elsa had arrived in Arendelle two days prior—and she had sensed this starting long before then. Though she mostly knew why, it was still heartbreaking to watch Anna slip into this melancholic depression, and worse to sit by idly while she sunk further. She was determined to help her out of it, but as for how to do that completely—she was at a loss.
So instead she went with: 'Let's get you something to eat.' Then took up her hand and lead her into camp.
They maneuvered through large and small lavvu huts, around people sewing, cooking or repairing tools near small fires. Some nodded to her in recognition, most went about their business as if she and Anna were not there, and that was perhaps what she enjoyed most about living with the Northuldra. No one treated her differently or looked at her strangely here—she was not a queen to be bowed before nor different from the other elemental spirits of which the people were used to dealing with. Here, she was just Elsa—and right now, Anna could just be Anna.
Before long they emerged in a clearing surrounded mostly by trees and lavvu huts, with a large central fire and massive pot of stew warming above it.
'That was certainly a short visit.' Yelena's voice called to her from her seat around the fire. 'And I see you've brought the new queen. Queen Anna.' Yelena stood and nodded her head respectfully as she approached with Anna in tow.
'Anna, please. Just, Anna.' Anna said with a smile when they reached Yelena. There was just a hint of strain in her voice and Elsa felt her hand tense at the word queen. 'It's great to see you again Yelena.'
'Please ladies, get some stew. It's mountain sorrel and potato—no meat Elsa.'
'Thank you Yelena.' Elsa said and reached for a wooden bowl.
'Anna, we have some fish cooking over there if you prefer.' Yelena put in.
'Stew is just fine, thank you.' Anna said as Elsa passed her a filled bowl. She scooped some for herself and then sat next to Anna who had sat down next to Yelena.
'Wow, this is really good!' Anna announced upon trying the soup.
'The secret,' Yelena leaned in so she was closer to Anna, 'Is arctic thyme, birch leaves and lichen moss.' She said with a nod as if the secrets of the universe had just been revealed to Anna. Elsa smiled and took a sip of her soup.
'Lichen, you mean like the stuff the reindeers eat?' Anna asked.
'One and the same—though there are many different variations of it. It's extremely healthy for both us and them.'
'That explains why Kristoff and Honeymaren were talking about it for over an hour today.' Anna chuckled under her breath.
'So, tell me, how have you been adjusting to your new role in Arendelle?'
Anna paused and looked down at her soup, studying it for a moment. 'It's um, well it's been an adjustment.' She said finally.
'Mm, I see.' Yelena sat back and studied Anna with those knowing eyes that only days before had been turned on her. 'Change can be daunting, but without change we would never see progress or growth.'
Anna pulled her eyes up from her stew to look at Yelena. 'Take the seasons for example. They change constantly, yet the change is never bad—it just is. It is the natural cycle of life bringing with it growth and rebirth each time.'
Anna nodded her head. 'But, what if—say I love summer—which I do. Well, I always feel so sad when summer comes to an end and I'm almost never happy with the cold dreary change that autumn brings. The days get shorter and everything just gets brown and sad. I don't think that change is good.'
'Well, therein lies your own perception of what is good and what is bad—it doesn't make autumn itself bad. Someone else,' Yelena lifted her eyes and raised her eyebrows at Elsa. 'May absolutely love winter.' Elsa smiled and shrugged her shoulders in admission. 'Do you believe there is beauty in winter Anna?'
'Of course, I love it!'
'Well, you see, without autumn, there could be no winter. The change autumn brings, while seemingly sad to you at the time, is actually making way for a different kind of beauty than summer brings. Again, no better, no worse than summer, simply different. Two sides of the same coin—and both are necessary for the balance and cycle of life to continue moving forward.'
'But summer and winter can never exist at the same time…' Anna whispered sadly.
'No, unfortunately that is true.' Yelena chuckled. 'But if you can shift your perception to see that even the toughest forms of change ultimately give way to something new and beautifully different—then you'll be able to grow yourself into something new and better—and that, is the point of life is it not? It's only when change is feared or resisted that it fights us back tooth and nail.' Yelena said with a smile.
Anna nodded and returned her eyes to her soup, contemplating.
'I sense something else is still bothering you.'
Anna lifted her eyes up to Yelena then turned to Elsa, searching her eyes. Elsa nodded encouragingly and rubbed her back. Go on.
Anna took a breath. 'I guess, well, I have this problem where I struggle with reading and writing—I mix letters up sometimes and it slows me down. I normally don't feel dumb except when I have to do either of those things.' Anna said quietly, returning her eyes to the soup. The pain and heaviness in Elsa's heart hit hard—the look on Anna's face and the use of the word dumb in the same sentence as herself threatened to crush her. Again she could do nothing, so she placed a hand on Anna's shoulder and squeezed to let her know she was with her.
'Can you show me?' Yelena asked.
'What?' Anna's eyes popped up again, clearly surprised by this request.
'Show me what happens when you read. Elsa, would you get one of your books?'
'Sure.' She said and put her soup down, also surprised by Yelena's strange request. She returned a moment later with her copy of The Little Prince—one of her favorites.
'Good, now Elsa give her a simple passage to read.'
She opened the book to one of the pages she had earmarked. 'Here try this.' She said, handing the book to Anna and pointing to two lines of text she had underlined.
'Ok.' Anna took a deep breath and then let it out slowly. She put her finger under the words to follow along as she read.
'And now here is my scr-eets—sorry, se-cret, a very simple se-cret: It is only with the heart that one can see tightly—right-ly; what is exceptional—no sorry—e-ssen-tial is in-vis-i-ble to the yes—eye.' Anna finished and let out another breath. 'Sorry, it's worse when I have to read out loud.' She said defeated.
'No, no don't apologize. I wanted to see exactly where and how you are struggling.'
'Now,' Yelena said, pulling out a scroll from her belt loop, 'Read this.' She unfurled the scroll and placed it in front of Anna.
'But these, these are Northuldran symbols? I can't read Northuldran?'
'Tell me what you see then.'
'Ok.' Anna answered, clearly baffled. 'Theres a tree, then a deer, a leaf, a diamond, circle, square, a mountain, the sun, a flower I think.' She said cocking her head at the interesting symbol. She'd started at the top left of the scroll and moved horizontally across the paper as she named them off one by one, pointing to each as she went.
'Now, what does this tell us.' Yelena stated. Anna scrunched her brow.
'That she has no problem recognizing images in a sequence.' Elsa said excitedly. Anna's eyes grew wide with recognition.
'You're right…' Anna said amazed.
'Anna, are you artistic? Do you paint or draw or do anything creatively?'
'Yes.' Elsa answered for her. 'All of it. All the time, since we were little—and she's very good at it.'
'Anna, remember before how I said two things can be different, but that doesn't make one better or worse than the other? That both can still be beautiful in their own way even if they are vastly different?'
'Yes.'
'Well, that's what's going on inside of your head. You process information much differently than most people. It doesn't make it wrong, or make you less than. You process images much more efficiently than letters—that's what makes you so creative and such a fine artist. Where you struggle with the sequence of letters, others couldn't even begin to see an image in their head let alone draw it down on paper. Believe me I know, I'm one of those people.' Yelena chuckled.
Anna sat there like a statue, soup in lap with her mouth hanging agape.
'Now, I want you to try one more thing for me.'
Yelena turned the scroll over to the backside which was empty and pulled a pointy charcoal stick from the fire. 'Take this.' She gave the blank sheet and charcoal pencil to Anna. 'Elsa, I want you to read that same passage again only Anna I want you to draw what she's reading to you. It doesn't have to be elaborate, just something so that if you look back on it later you would remember what the passage means.'
'Ok.' Anna said excitedly, poised to draw.
Elsa picked up the book, opened it to the same page as before and read:
'And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.'
Elsa smiled and watched as Anna began scribbling on the paper, furiously sketching and shading with her fingers,—tongue sticking slightly out to the side—as she had seen her do so many times before. A girl on a mission. Of course there was no haphazard sketching with Anna, nearly everything she drew was almost always amazing even if she wasn't trying very hard. Elsa's eyes narrowed as she watched the drawing take shape and form before her eyes.
'There.' Anna said at last, holding up the sheet proudly.
Elsa took it from her slowly and studied it, careful not to smudge the charcoal. What Anna had drawn was a beautiful portrait of the both of them from the waist up. In the drawing, Elsa was looking down, her eyes downcast and sad—a hand to her heart. It was extraordinarily realistic. Next to her on the page, Anna was whispering excitedly in her ear. Elsa felt a tear slip down her cheek and she quickly brushed it away so it wouldn't mar the artwork.
'Anna this—' She was having trouble finding the words to express just how in awe she was.
'Look see,' Anna began, reaching over to point at the drawing with a charcoal smudged finger. 'Your hand is on your heart because of course the secret the passage is referring to is love. Obviously. Because love is invisible but clearly it's there and it is definitely essential. So yeah, drawing you and me was a given because that's how I'll remember that. And no offense but it took you a really long time to realize that love was the essential answer to see yourself the way I see you—rightly—even though I was basically trying to tell you that for years, so hence why I drew me telling you that secret—even though it really wasn't a secret, it's a really simple concept, you just didn't understand it—so that's how I'll remember the simple part. Also I drew both of our eyes closed to remember the invisible part, because even though you were technically invisible to my eyes for years, I still loved you.'
Elsa stared and blinked awestruck—just like that, Anna was back. The bubbly upbeat girl she so desperately loved revealed herself once again before Elsa's eyes. She had not taken a breath while she acted out the entire symbolic meaning of the passage nor while animatedly explaining love better than any philosopher Elsa had ever studied.
And then: Elsa laughed.
She laughed and pulled Anna into a tight hug swaying her back and forth as a few stray happy tears flew from her eyes. 'You are the smartest person I know.' She laughed in Anna's ear. Then she felt Yelena reach over and steal the drawing off her lap.
'I know.' Anna said, and she could feel her smile in the words causing her to laugh more.
'This is very good, artistic indeed.' Yelena said as she studied Anna's work. 'I've decided I'm keeping this—I could use some artwork to decorate my otherwise drab lavvu.' Yelena said with a smile, rolling up the scroll and placing it back in her belt.
'I'd like a copy of it sometime.' Elsa said as she released Anna from the hug.
'Oh I'll make another, easy. Maybe next time I'll paint it.' Anna said already lost in thought.
'Perhaps I could commission you to paint something on the outside of my lavvu?' Yelena asked absently, her eyes faraway—formulating a plan neither of them could see. 'I can envision it now, yes, a beautiful winter-scape—no a sunset with wolves—no, yes and trees—blues, greens and purples of the auroras…' Yelena's hands were out in front of her as she painted the scene in the air that only her mind could see.
Anna laughed. 'See Yelena, you can see a creative vision in your mind!'
'Yes well, I suppose we are all always learning aren't we. Give me a paintbrush though, and I'm lost.' She said in a low voice close to Anna's ear.
Anna laughed again. 'I would love to paint a mural on your lavvu sometime. Maybe you can even help me.' She said with a smile.
'Hm, yes… We shall see about that.'
'What did we miss?' Kristoff asked as he and Maren marched towards them—both looked tired and a bit disheveled.
'Sorry it took us so long, Sven was very—well he really needed a proper brushing.' Maren said exasperatedly as she plopped down next to Yelena, clearly exhausted. Elsa smiled. Maren's dark hair was frazzled and slipping from her loose braid and Elsa couldn't pull her eyes away from her. Maren noticed and locked eyes with her, giving her a small smile.
'He wasn't that bad.' Kristoff muttered.
'Have some stew you two.' Yelena put in, no room for argument.
Kristoff filled a bowl and handed it to Maren, then took some for himself and sat next to her.
'She really does have seven different brushes.' He said before gulping some soup.
'Each one has its purpose, as I hope you now can clearly see.' Maren shot back between gulps of soup.
Kristoff made a vague non-committal noise and kept drinking his soup. Anna giggled beside her.
'So, young Anna here is going to paint a mural on my lavvu.' Yelena stated proudly. 'I'm thinking of a winter-scape with wolves and trees and maybe a sunset—definitely the auroras. Or maybe a full moon.'
Maren chuckled. 'Really Yelena, I didn't know you were artsy?'
'Yes well Anna has inspired me with her work—may I?' Yelena asked Anna. Anna nodded, so Yelena pulled her drawing out from her belt loop and showed it to Maren and Kristoff. 'I'm going to hang it up in my lavvu.'
'Wow, Anna, that's really beautiful. I didn't know you could draw like that.' Maren said, her eyes wide taking in the artwork.
'Amazing.' Kristoff said with a proud smile, clearly unsurprised at Anna's talents.
'So, yeah. I have commissioned her to spice up my lavvu. I'm quite excited. I may even help with it.' Yelena said, clearly pleased with herself.
'Well that will really be a task Anna—I've never known Yelena to be able to draw even stick people.' Maren jested. Yelena shot Maren a look and she immediately stopped laughing—quickly taking another sip of soup.
'We all have hidden talents.' Yelena shot back at Maren who was still trying to hide her smile behind her soup bowl.
'I'm sure it will turn out amazing Yelena.' Anna reassured, then faded into a yawn.
'Yes I must admit, I'm getting quite tired too. I want to sleep so I will have fresh inspiration tomorrow as I plan my design.' Yelena said excitedly. 'Come Anna, I can show you to your lavvu.'
Kristoff stood as well. 'I'm coming.' He said as he stretched. 'I'm sore from how many times she made me brush Sven.' Maren shot him a look but said nothing.
'You staying up?' Anna asked, turning to Elsa.
'For a bit, still finishing my soup.'
'Ok, love you.' Anna said and hugged her.
'Love you too.' Elsa returned. Anna kissed her cheek then stood. 'Get some sleep so you're all rested for tomorrow.' Elsa added and raised her eyebrows excitedly.
'I will! Night Maren.'
'See you both tomorrow.' Maren said as Yelena led Anna away, Kristoff in tow. She waited until the footsteps were far in the distance before moving over next to Elsa.
'Hi.' She said in a low voice that made Elsa's stomach flutter.
'Hi.' She returned with a whisper then flicked her eyes around.
'We're alone.' Maren confirmed and ran her fingers over Elsa's cheek.
'Good.' Elsa breathed, inches from Maren's face. So close she could smell the scent of pine on her. Maren closed the distance between them and kissed her soft and deep as if it had been years since they'd last kissed. Elsa sighed with the pleasure of it and they stayed that way for a long moment, memorizing each other with their lips until Maren reluctantly pulled away.
'I've wanted to do that to you all day.' She sighed, catching her breath and running the tip of Elsa's braid through her fingers. Elsa rested her forehead against Maren's as she caught her own breath.
'Me too.' She breathed. A stick crackled on the ground in the distance and Elsa immediately jerked away from Maren, turning to see a few Northuldra men walking in the distance laughing amongst themselves.
'Sorry.' She said, closing her eyes in frustration. 'It's just, instinct to pull away.'
'It's ok. We have all the time to work on it.' Maren smiled and rubbed Elsa's thigh. 'So, tell me what I really missed tonight. I don't believe Yelena was talking about painting her lavvu for over an hour.' She snickered. 'Actually, I can't believe Yelena was talking about painting her lavvu at all.'
Elsa smiled. 'She really helped Anna out with some things tonight.'
'Oh yeah, with what?' Maren asked, genuinely curious—her hand still on Elsa's leg as she turned to straddle the log she was on, facing her now.
Elsa took a breath, unsure if Anna would mind Maren knowing this—then again if she was going to tell Anna about their relationship, she knew Anna wouldn't expect her to keep things from Maren, especially important things. So she made the decision to trust Maren with this, supplemented by her ongoing resolution not to hide things from those she loved.
'Anna struggles with reading and writing—she, mixes up the letters and it slows down her ability to read and write at pace.' Maren's brow creased, waiting for her to continue. 'She's been like this since we were kids—it's not her fault—it's just something strange her brain does, and it breaks my heart because she is so incredibly intelligent, but she goes through these bouts where she gets so down on herself and questions it—questions herself, and I feel so helpless most of the time. And it's been worse with all the paperwork now and I just keep feeling like—like it's my fault for putting her in this position.' She let out a breath, not realizing that last part until she had verbalized it out loud. She did blame herself for putting Anna directly in a position to fail. She'd known of Anna's struggles long before she pushed the crown on her—and yet she'd done it anyway. Because she was selfish, and as always Anna had paid the price.
'Elsa, this is not your fault. It's no more your fault than being born with magic was. Your place is in nature, you know that—you feel it because of your magic. Having spirit magic and choosing to live in nature among the spirits where you're needed and feel most at peace is not a crime. All you can do is be there for Anna and support her through this, which from what I can see, you're doing a fantastic job of.'
She smiled at Maren's words and grabbed her hand. It was truly a gift how she was able to distill the chaos down into basic truths—and it did help—some. Her worry for Anna though, would probably follow her to her grave regardless.
'Besides, if you want to know the truth—your language is quite convoluted and I don't even blame Anna.' Elsa scrunched her brow in confusion. 'I grew up learning to read and write both Northuldran and Arendellian and let me tell you, learning Arendellian was no picnic.' She chuckled. 'Our symbols are so much more straightforward than the bizarre letters and silent letters you've got going on.'
Elsa nearly laughed at that—Anna would probably agree. 'Thats actually what Yelena discovered tonight. Anna doesn't have a problem reading images and symbols—just the letters. So she practiced sketching out imagery for things that were read to her, so that she could look back later to remember the content. I think it really helped, she was nearly back to her old self afterward.'
'Yelena always has the answers.' Maren said with a smile. 'And Anna's strong—like you. I'm sure she'll find her way through this.' Maren squeezed her hand reassuringly. She nodded in return. 'I suppose, with all this going on, you haven't had a chance to tell her yet—about us?'
Elsa shook her head apologetically. 'No, I just haven't found the right moment. I tried back at Oaken's today but we were interrupted. Which probably wasn't the right place to do it anyway—tomorrow we'll have plenty of time alone together at Ahtohallan, I'm going to do it then.'
Maren nodded. 'It'll happen when the time is right. If it helps any, according to Kristoff she took the news of Ryder and Björn's relationship really well. I know you're her sister so it might be different, but still.'
'Ryder and Björn? I had no idea, that's wonderful.'
Maren smiled with soft eyes and nodded in confirmation. She looked like she wanted to say something else but was holding back.
'What?' Elsa prodded.
Maren took a breath. 'I don't mean to rush you with telling Anna, please believe that—I just, could barely stand keeping my hands off of you for two days.' She said with a guilty almost petulant look. 'The one time you touched my shoulder in the wagon today I nearly lost it.' She looked down and shook her head as if punishing herself in embarrassment. Elsa smiled, she hadn't realized her touch was that powerful to Maren—she was still so used to being wary of how she touched people—she never registered that anyone would actually enjoy being touched by her.
'I didn't… know you felt that way—I've always had to be so careful about the way I touch people.'
'You have power in those hands, more than just ice.' Maren chuckled. 'I can tell you that.' She ran a hand over the top of her head, taking a deep breath as she looked towards the sky. She seemed frustrated—or anguished somehow—like she again wanted to say or do something but was warring with herself. Elsa just stared at her, a mix of feelings swirling within her—want and need and admiration and longing and love. Definitely love. She couldn't take her eyes away from the wispy tendrils of hair that escaped her loose braid. And she so wanted to run her hand through it, then down her muscular arms with her fingers, over her jawline, so gracefully upturned to the sky, parted lips she wanted so badly to kiss. It was in that moment something inside of her snapped—and she decided, she could do something about this growing need.
'Come on.' Elsa said, finalizing her decision with words. She grabbed Maren's hand and stood hurriedly, pulling the girl up with her. Maren locked eyes with her, an amused quizzical expression was laced across smiling lips. Elsa smiled and kissed her, then hauled her off into the trees, pulling her by the hand.
She could hear Maren's quiet laughter echo behind her as she strode at a clip—more nearly ran, through the trees looking for what, she didn't know. Just someplace far enough away that she could shut off her thoughts about anyone else watching or hearing them. She wasn't thinking clearly—she wasn't thinking at all really, she was—feeling? And the feeling was chaotic. Sort of a desperate need that had no type of premeditated thought attached to it—which was completely foreign to her—and probably dangerous, but the din of her rational mind was so far removed she couldn't grab hold of it, and she didn't want to.
How long she charged through the trees dragging Maren behind her she wasn't sure, but eventually they came to a small clearing where she could no longer see the glow of any bonfires, and she released her hand, whirling to face her. It was dark, nothing but the glow of the auroras illuminated Maren in a pale greenish cast—and all Elsa could do was stare at her. Mesmerized once again, her mind all twisted up with different thoughts of all the ways she could touch and hold her—the only noise came from their heavy breathing—and that sound too, gripped her with need.
'What are you doing?' Maren said with amused eyes that probably thought she was some kind of a madwoman. Maybe she was.
'I have no idea.' She breathed with absolute honesty.
They stared at each other for another half second before: 'Whatever you're thinking, hurry up and do it before I do.'
That was all she needed—she strode the two or three paces it took to get to where Maren stood and threw her arms around her neck, kissing her passionately. Maren let out a sigh of relief and grabbed her around the hips, pulling her close as they both stumbled backward slightly. Elsa kept pushing them back, and back some more as they kissed, until the giant tree that she somehow knew would be there materialized behind Maren, and she pushed her gently up against it.
'I want to touch you.' Elsa breathed between kisses.
A pause.
'Then do it.'
Maren sighed desperately as she pulled Elsa's hips into her own, sliding her back and forth there. Their sensitive areas met and an undetermined noise escaped her—causing her to nearly lose focus on what she wanted to do. The desperate need within her was growing stronger and she was having a hard time thinking clearly. This was much different than the first time she'd done this with Maren, those times she was learning and still unsure about what was going to happen—and Maren had led nearly all of it. Now she knew. She knew what to expect, what she wanted and how she wanted it. She let this new primal unthinking urge guide her, and she ran her hand down Maren's chest. Maren moaned at the touch and that stirred something in her—she could make her feel things just by touching her—good things—and that became a seductive driving force. She ran her other hand down Maren's neck, the muscles of her arm, finding her hand and locking fingers with her there. Maren's free hand grabbed the back of her thigh and pulled her in as close as she could. Elsa's other hand slid further down, feeling Maren's ribs and muscular abdomen as she went—her breathing ragged as she kissed her. Finally she reached the area she so frantically wanted to explore and she opened her eyes searching Maren's for an answer.
'It's ok. Go.' Maren whispered, and so she went. She kissed her deeply, pushing her against the tree, and slid her hand between Maren's legs, working her fingers in and around feeling every inch of her as she went.
Maren breathed out heavily and threw her head back against the tree, her closed eyes tilted skyward. She squeezed Elsa's thigh and hip where her other hand now landed—that and the sound Maren made caused a shockwave to shoot between Elsa's legs. She had no frame of reference for what she was doing other than what Maren had done to her, so she kept going, driven by something she had never felt before—massaging in slow repeated circles all over her area taking in every sigh and moan Maren elicited. She worked her hand faster and faster as her own burning excitement built, Maren's hips arched and pushed into Elsa's fingers rhythmically, grunts escaping her upturned face as her hands slid up and down Elsa's back, pulling her closer and making concentrating impossible. Elsa kissed her with a sigh, leaving her mouth there, breathing raggedly through her nose as she worked which caused Maren to moan again. Her thoughts were a jumbled mess and nothing seemed to matter except feeling Maren and getting her to elicit more and more of the good noises.
A power was building in her hands suddenly, which confused her as it collided and intertwined with the powerful throbbing between her legs. In the space of a heartbeat she recognized what that power was—and her eyes snapped open, unwillingly allowing in an old friend she did not want back. She flung herself back and away from Maren as far as she could go in the short span of time she had to react, throwing her arms out to the sides just in time as a gush of ice exploded out of them. She let out a wracking cry as the sharp force traveled up from her center, down her arms and spewed from her palms—blasting two unfortunate trees in its wake, and loudly snapping branches in a spectacularly disastrous cacophony. She fell to her knees gasping, bewildered, and frightened from the abruptness of what had just happened and also the pain of it. The sudden shift from excited energy to ice had been painful as it shot upward and out of her and this she didn't understand. Her mind wasn't processing it—why was there ice? She wasn't scared—or startled? Hadn't she learned to control it the last time she'd done this? She could've killed Maren in a split second if she hadn't realized what was happening in time—just like she had nearly killed Anna when she had gotten too careless before. And the sudden thought of hurting either of them devastated her as she stared down at her shaking hands with sheer hatred—her hands, her false allies, tricksters and ultimate betrayers.
'Els? Elsa look at me.' The sound hitting her was muted and muffled and she couldn't understand it beyond the roaring ocean in her ears, and even if she could she didn't particularly care to respond to it at that point. There was foreign pressure gripping her shoulders which she didn't want there—no touching—but she was too fixated on the disgust she was feeling as she stared at her hands to do anything about it. 'Els, no, please don't do this—you're ok.' Two warm hands covered hers just then, causing her eyes to blink, and she yanked her offending hands away from another thing they might hurt, staring now at her knees below her.
'Elsa look at me.' Maren's sharp voice cut through to her and suddenly she was staring into two brown frightened eyes, which were attached to hands holding either side of her face in a vice grip. 'You're ok.' Maren's voice was soft now, pleading as she said the words slowly. You're ok, you're ok. The words rang in her ears and she clung to them as a drowning person might cling to a raft. Of course she was ok, she was always ok—it was everyone else around her that was never ok. They were the ones always hurt or killed because of her. She wanted to say this but found that her voice, like her hands, had mercilessly betrayed her. Her whole body in one grand rebellious tantrum, defying her will as it always had done. The roaring in her ears slowly started to fade, her bodily sensations returned and she slumped. She could feel that she was shaking, hot tears started to spill from her eyes and the brown eyes that were anchoring her there became suddenly blurry.
'You're ok.' Maren repeated and pulled Elsa into her arms. She tried to fight her, to push her away so she couldn't hurt her—she was still too unstable to be this close to her—but she lacked the strength and sheer energy to overpower her. 'Relax Elsa.' Maren whispered and clutched her tightly to her chest, holding her arms down from fighting her. Warm calmness spread over her then, her breathing slowed and the shaking subsided. She felt like a baby, a baby who couldn't control herself and she hated it.
'This was too fast, too much. We shouldn't have done this tonight—I should've known better. I'm so sorry.'
'My fault.' She finally was able to bleat out, unable to stand hearing Maren blame herself for this. She was able to prop herself up just enough to turn and look Maren in the face. 'This was my fault.' She said again to make sure she heard her.
Sad eyes found and searched her own. 'No, Elsa it wasn't. You need to believe me—and you didn't hurt me. The first time we did this, we went much much slower and we were careful. This time, we just got carried away too quickly and it overwhelmed you—we haven't practiced with your hands yet. If anything I should've foreseen this and I didn't—with everything going on with you lately you were not in the right headspace for this tonight. Please don't blame yourself.'
She shook her head, Maren was making too much sense again. Yet still— 'I could've killed you.'
'You did not almost kill me.' Maren snorted. 'Do I really look that dainty to you?' Maren joked with a mock air of incredulity. This caused a smile to crack on Elsa's lips and yet it felt wrong to be smiling. She shook her head in response.
Maren stood up and extended a hand down to her, she hesitated, but reached up and took it anyway. Maren pulled her to a wobbly stand and two hands held her shoulders—and again she allowed the precarious action—why? She couldn't comprehend. Perhaps it was her selfishness again, knowing full well she could kill Maren on the spot yet chancing it anyway for her own pleasure, her own needs. Gambling with others lives because she was so sick and tired of being alone—of having to fight every step of the way to touch and be touched like a normal person. And right then, despite her fears, she wanted nothing more than to be touched and comforted and not left alone.
Maren was still staring into her eyes, trying to read what was there as she always did—and most likely failing, finding only abject chaos that she herself couldn't even sort through.
'We'll figure this out together, ok? I'm not going anywhere. We'll take it slow from now on, and you will be fine, I promise.' Maren said and brought Elsa's hands up to her lips and kissed them. Elsa believed her too, that was the worst part. Or she desperately wanted to and found herself nodding slightly. The way Maren spoke was so sincere, so honest and she clung to that promise even though her rational mind was raging against it. Her rational mind, the thing she should have listened to earlier instead of beating it down with a stick.
Maren put an arm around her then, rubbing her arm.
'Come on, let's go home.'
