'Elsa?'
'Elsa listen to me, I need you to listen to me ok? I listened to you before, so I need you to hear what I'm saying to you right now.'
Anna held her, and she didn't try to fight it. She let the tears and pain and regret consume her and just cried. Anna had seen, seen it all now, so there was no more a point to try to mask how deeply it still affected her. And she couldn't even if she tried—that was old Elsa, and she'd been long gone for a while now. The fact though, that this did so deeply affect her after all these years—to the point where she couldn't even look at that haunting memory, was the real problem. Rather it was mildly ridiculous—it had been an accident, she knew this, and she thought she was past it. Or at least, had it under control enough so that she could be the support Anna needed through these memories, and not the other way around—not have a breakdown of her own. That was not the plan—and once again, the focus was back to her and away from Anna and that was not what today was supposed to be about. This day was for Anna, for her healing. But seeing that terrible moment literally unfold right before her eyes again had been too much—and honestly, she didn't know what to do about it anymore. The fear and pain that was triggered by that specific incident never truly went away did it? The events with Maren just last night proved that didn't they? And would it really ever leave her? Probably not. It may snake away for periods of time, long periods even, pretending to be gone so that she could feel happy and normal for a time—but never would it truly ever leave her. And that thought was utterly depressing.
Anna pulled away from her, held her shoulders and looked into her teary eyes. Anna's eyes were sad, warm, but she had a slight smile on her face—what could she possibly be happy about right now?
'You're a human being, Elsa. Did you know that?' Anna slid her hands down Elsa's arms and grabbed her hands, holding them in her lap. 'I think you forget that most times.'
'What?' It was all she could get out through sniffles as she was utterly baffled by where Anna was going with this.
'You slipped.' Anna let out a breathy chuckle and shook her head—unbelievable. 'Slipped.' She said again, turning over the words as if she were still processing them. Her eyes returned to Elsa's. 'You know it's ok for a human to slip right—for a little girl to make a mistake?'
'It's ok for other people to make mistakes Anna, not me. I can't afford it.'
'Yes you can!' Anna said and shook Elsa's hands in her lap. 'You do not need to be perfect all the time Elsa, it's killing you slowly. It has been for years. You need to do what's right for you, not everyone else.' Elsa shook her head, mistakes of hers always had disastrous consequences. She couldn't afford it, Anna was wrong about this one.
'Elsa, despite all of this,' Anna gestured around the chamber, and Elsa felt as if she was gesturing to the entire glacier. 'Despite your magic, despite the fact that you're the fifth spirit, despite the fact that you were Queen of Arendelle—you are, quite simply, a human—' She said with wide eyes as if willing Elsa to grasp the simple concept like a child. She then picked up Elsa's hand and poked it playfully, as if to prove she was a solid person. 'A physical fleshy human, just like me—and humans slip. They fall, they hurt people, they make mistakes, and they get back up—and you know what? That's ok. It's how we learn, but it doesn't have to define the rest of your life Elsa—it doesn't mean that you have to be perfect all the time so that you never slip again. It's humanly impossible! Trust me, I know.' Anna said playfully with a smile. 'You should slip again, in fact I'll be worried if you don't, because then that means you've really turned into a spirit and then I'll have to come fetch you yet again, from whatever spirity realm you've gone off to.' Anna threw her hands out to the side and rolled her eyes with a smile as if chasing Elsa down was the last thing she ever wanted to do again— Elsa cracked a smile. That was good to hear, because, she had slipped again already. Just the night before. And it made her feel grossly human—and that had scared her.
'I used to follow you around and look up to you like you were a goddess, you know? I still do, if I'm being honest—but not for the reasons you might think. Everything you did, I wanted to do too, not because of how good at all of it you were, but because I wanted to be just like you. I believed in you, in the things you said and taught me, I loved who you were as a person Elsa—who you are—not the things you can do. If you never had magic, if you weren't ridiculously smart or fantastic at riding or all the other things you do effortlessly perfect, I would still have loved you the exact same way. Because I love you for you Elsa, not what you can or can't do—or did or didn't do. And I always will, even if you freeze my head or my heart or ask me to rule a scarily complex kingdom and are sometimes terrible at charades.' Elsa couldn't help but smile at that last bit.
'I'm getting better at charades…' She chuckled in defense.
'No, you're not, but it's ok. I love you anyway.' Anna said with a smile. Elsa raised an eyebrow and smirked.
'I love you too Anna—so much—I can't even tell you.' She grabbed Anna's hand and squeezed it. Anna smiled.
'Just promise me we'll always be able to talk like this, I can't take any more secrets Elsa.'
Suddenly butterflies shot into her stomach—no more secrets. The other thing. The other thing she promised herself—and Maren she would talk to Anna about. Why should that jump into her head now? Now wasn't the time, not with everything that had just happened. She would have to find another time—
'What is it?' Anna asked, her brow quizzical, eyes searching Elsa's. Anna must have read something on her face, she was always able to do that if Elsa wasn't careful.
'Nothing—it's, nothing. Let's head back, it's getting late. It doesn't look like Ahtohallan has anything more to show us today.' She stood, and brushed herself off. Anna followed.
'No, it's not nothing—something is definitely going on. I saw it in your eyes—it's the same look you get when your worried, the same look you had at Oaken's—wait, is this about what you were trying to tell me there? Tell me now, we're here, we're definitely alone.'
Elsa froze. She hadn't remotely thought about how to do this, or what to say—just that she had to do it. She had no plan, no sage words, nothing—and she did not know how to function without a plan—this would have to wait...
'Elsa, we promised about this. No more secrets, just tell me whatever it is.' Anna said exasperatedly—she was in her stubborn mode and would not let this go, and it was true—she did not deserve to be lied to by anyone, ever again.
Think Elsa!
'Ok.' She said finally, and took a breath. Anna was uncharacteristically silent, giving her no time to formulate her thoughts. 'It's about Honeymaren.' The words were out before she knew what had happened.
'Okay… What about her?' Anna asked, worry laced in her voice.
How Elsa, how? What comes after this? 'Well, we've been spending a lot of time together, quite a bit actually.'
'I've noticed.' Anna said, still a hint of confusion in her voice. 'I'm relieved actually, that you have such a close friend up here—it keeps me from worrying more than I already do—and Maren is fantastic.' Anna said with kind understanding eyes. 'What is this about Elsa?' She said after a beat—her brow quizzical, still searching Elsa's eyes, prying for an answer—how to say it…
'Yes, we're friends—' Elsa paused, unsure how to proceed. Still Anna stayed deathly silent so she continued: 'She's really looked out for me, since I came to live up here—she's taught me so much about nature Anna, about life—things I never knew, things about myself I never knew—' She trailed off, this was probably just baffling Anna at this point. 'I just, don't really know how to do this…' She ran a hand over her hair and looked up then let out a long breath. Her eyes burned as if she might cry again, and she had no idea where that was coming from, she could not cry right now. Get it together.
Anna's eyes were darting side to side, her brow was scrunched as if deep in thought—puzzling something together and Elsa had no idea what she was thinking. Finally she stopped, her eyes grew wide for a second, then returned to normal. She turned them on Elsa, her brow creased and concerned. 'What are you trying to tell me Elsa?' Her voice was soft, kind but compelling—it was now or never, and never was not an option.
She took a breath to fight off the burning tears, looked directly at her sister and said: 'I think I love her Anna.' She shrugged, raised her hands and let them drop on her thighs defeated. She shook her head, and then, the tears came. Not violently, just silently streaming down her cheeks and why they were there, she couldn't comprehend.
'Love her.' Anna repeated quietly, scrunching her brow—contemplating. 'Like how I love Kristoff?' She asked slowly, but she didn't seem confused. 'Like Ryder and Björn?'
Elsa was nodding, her head down, her eyes scrunched closed as the tears rolled down, raking her hand through her hair suddenly extremely embarrassed and mildly disgusted with herself. This was so foreign to her, she felt so exposed and vulnerable and she wished she could take it back—why had she decided to do this right now? She could just keep it secret, only be with Maren when she was with the Northuldra. Forget Arendelle, this was clearly too much for Anna to handle—and she herself couldn't even take the embarrassment of it. Why, why had she decided to do this right now? It was a terrible idea. Snow started to swirl around her and she suddenly wished she were anywhere else.
Then Anna slammed into her, knocking the wind out of her with a hug. The abrupt force startled her, but as soon as she realized it was Anna squeezing her, she felt immediate relief. 'Oh Elsa, why didn't you tell me sooner?' Anna cried and sounded choked up, and so she hugged her back instinctively. 'What kind of a sister am I? I should've seen this—I saw how much time you two were spending together, how happy you were. I can see how much she cares about you. How did I miss this?'
Elsa pulled away from her. 'Anna, you've had plenty to deal with lately. I really wasn't sure myself until recently—rather, I finally understood and started to accept what I'd been feeling for a long time. As soon as I figured it out I came to Arendelle to try and tell you, it's just, talking about this kind of thing is not easy for me—you know how I am.' She shook her head, even she didn't know why this was so difficult for her.
Anna scrunched her brow. 'Elsa, if you had a hard time telling me this, then I'm not doing a very good job as a sister.' She said defeated. 'Did you think—I would stop loving you or something?' She asked in disbelief with a look that threatened to crush Elsa.
'No, no—Anna, your love was never in question. Ever. It was just—it's me. Everything. I don't know how to explain it. The way we grew up, the stigma around this whole thing, it just—I guess I had—have a lot of shame around this that I'm still working through. It's just one more thing that makes me grossly different from everyone else yet again, and that's just, still really hard for me to deal with.'
'Shame?' Anna asked with a look of genuine surprise. 'But it's love—' She said it as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. 'And you do really love her right?' Elsa nodded in confirmation. 'Elsa, there's nothing shameful about love—or being different. You being different is what makes you special, it's what freed the forest, it's what gave me my memories back and brought us here—and I don't want you any other way.'
All she could do was smile and nod as she fought back more tears. The simple yet profound wisdom her sister espoused never ceased to amaze her. 'I meant it you know, when I said you're the smartest person I know.'
'Well, I know that. But you better not tell Maren.' Anna smirked and wiggled her eyebrows. Elsa smiled.
'Anna, are you really ok with this?'
'Ok with it? Elsa. How do I explain this so you will finally understand it—I just want you to be happy, to be loved—and ideally to be in my life everyday.' She smirked. 'Since I can't realistically have the last one, I will settle for the first two—and I don't care what that looks like? I've lost sleep over the amount of suitors you've rejected because I so want you to experience what I have with Kristoff. Admittedly, now I understand why you really did that—and I didn't like any of them anyway, and I'm still more than a little annoyed with myself that I didn't see this sooner—but if Maren makes you happy than that makes me happy. I don't know how else to say it.' She said and dropped her hands to her sides. Then, as if to confirm it, Anna pulled her into a hug again. She squeezed her back, flooded with relief and love and thanking all the spirits that of all the people that could've been her sister, it had been Anna.
'I'm so happy for you Elsa, you deserve this and so much more—please be happy for yourself.' Anna said over her shoulder as she held her. Elsa nodded. Anna released her then, and put a hand up to her heart, rubbing a circle there and letting out a long relieved breath.
'Are you ok?'
'What? Yeah, I just—the way you lead up to this made me think you were dying or something. Turns out it's actually good news for once, and my heart doesn't know how to handle it.' Anna smiled then giggled.
Good news.
Anna thought this was good news. Elsa smiled to herself—it was good news wasn't it? She found somebody she loved and who possibly loved her back and that was good news—it was great news. It had taken her until just that moment of Anna saying the words to realize that simple fact, and it was a glorious feeling.
Just then, the fractals around the room started shifting again with memories. Elsa watched with surprise as images of Kristoff and Anna filled the room—their first meeting at Oaken's in the blizzard, Anna throwing a bag of carrots in Kristoff's face with a mortified look on her face. Elsa chucked at that. Kristoff flinging Anna from the sled to the back of Sven before it went off over a cliff, then Kristoff jumping over the cliff himself. Anna, clinging awkwardly three feet up on a rock ledge and Kristoff trying to hide his amusement. Kristoff protectively shielding Anna when she fell to her knees after Elsa had accidentally struck her in the ice castle. Elsa kept her eyes on the scene this time—she would not look away again. But then it shifted to Kristoff digging Anna out of a deep snow drift, giving her a look she'd now seen him give her many many times. Love. Then he was carrying her on Sven, she was nearly unconscious—riding at top speed towards the castle. Then he was alone, looking downcast in the woods but noticed a storm—her storm, brewing over the castle and immediately he jumped on Sven and blazed in the direction of the storm. Kristoff was charging across the frozen fjord, until he stopped, a mortified and heartbroken look on his face at seeing Anna frozen. Elsa watched herself cling to a frozen Anna, and a rush of pain hit her again—but she kept watching.
It shifted again and she saw Anna pulling Kristoff along the cobblestone pathway of the castle, excitedly presenting him with his new sled. He picked her up, twirled her and then kissed her. Elsa smiled, it warmed her heart. Then Kristoff and Anna were in the woods—he was teaching her how to light a fire, and pointing to all different things as Anna looked on with interest. Elsa remembered some of these outings, Kristoff and Anna had taken her with from time to time and she always enjoyed being out in nature with them. Then they were in the ballroom at a party, dancing—Kristoff in a proper suit dancing stoically with a giggling Anna and clearly having no idea what he was doing. Elsa remembered that time and she covered a smile. Kristoff had looked dashing but also utterly uncomfortable—yet he had suffered it for Anna. Then Kristoff and Anna walking hand in hand through town, looking in the windows of shops—then walking through the woods hand in hand while talking. Anna's birthday party—the year Elsa had gone overboard and gotten herself sick. Kristoff was (poorly) painting 'Happy Birthday Anna' on sheets of paper that he then clumsily tried to string up in the courtyard. He mixed up some of the sheets of paper, sighed, then climbed up again to switch them. Elsa felt a tear slip out—seeing the bursting love Kristoff had for her sister all at once like that was almost overwhelming—and the happiness she felt at knowing Anna had Kristoff to love and care for her was nearly the happiest feeling she'd ever had in her life.
She stole a glance at Anna who was smiling deliriously as she watched, a tear rolled down her cheek as well.
Love was truly beautiful.
But Ahtohallan did not stop there. Again, the fractals shifted, only now it was not Kristoff and Anna she was watching—she was staring at herself and Maren.
Her eyes went wide and she froze as she watched their first conversation around a campfire, a rush of adrenaline shooting through her chest. Maren was telling her about the existence of a fifth spirit—that had been the very first time she had helped Elsa. Little did either of them know at that time that Elsa was the fifth spirit—and little did she know that the feelings she was feeling that night were something far greater than she ever could have imagined. Then she saw the events of the forest take place through Maren's perspective, watching herself put out the fires—Maren smiling widely when the Northuldra began to chant and sing around her and Anna—then joining in on it herself. Her sad and confused face when she realized Elsa and Anna had left camp abruptly in the middle of the night. Then Maren's wide amazed eyes as she took in the sky for the first time after the mist lifted—glancing around looking for something—finding Anna and watching with confused eyes as Anna ran to the edge of a hill and slid down to the beach. She followed Anna, tentatively, quietly and saw Elsa ride across the sea on Nokk, watched as she hugged and held Anna and cried. Maren was smiling, with kind eyes so familiar—then she slipped into the trees away from the scene.
Then recent memories, very recent memories that Elsa remembered clearly—the first time she realized meat made her sick. Maren hunched over her in the forest, a hand to her back, making sure she was ok after getting violently ill. Then walking through the forest with her, Maren pointing out different berries and herbs and roots that she could identify and eat. Maren teaching her how to light a fire on her own. She smiled at that memory—it had been an experience, and took her much longer to get the hang of it than she supposed it should have. Then showing Elsa how to pick out the right walking stick when they'd first started going on longer hikes. Riding Nokk, with Maren clutched behind her as they flew through the forest. Maren leaving a plate of berries in Elsa's lavvu as she had done so many times before. Then finally, kissing in front of that waterfall—their waterfall as Elsa had now come to think of it—and one of the best days of her life. And she felt her cheeks flush and a twinge of embarrassment at having Anna witness such an intimate moment. But she had seen Anna kiss Kristoff, here and in person and so really, this was no different. Then the chamber dimmed, finally, seemingly done.
'Oh Elsa!' Anna turned to her, her face flooded with tears. She ran to her then, slamming into her with yet another hug. 'That—was—so—beautiful!' Anna wailed through labored breaths into her shoulder, squeezing the air out of her. Elsa just smiled and hugged her back, so utterly relieved that Anna now knew—and how much lighter she felt without the burden of yet another secret!
'I guess we fell for them in the same way.' She said into Anna's hair, smiling. Anna nodded.
'It's like I just watched both of us falling together.'
