The ironic thing is that if Saren were here right now, he'd be pissed at me for not having my head in the battle. That was one of his biggest lessons, especially since he trained me as a sniper.
Focus.
At the risk of everything else, focus on your target and your mission.
My brain just can't seem to remember that Shepard is not my target or my mission. She just takes up every thought in my waking hours...and some of the fun thoughts in my dreaming hours, too.
Damn human.
Now she's got me walking into what promises to end in a firefight with an Asari Matriarch while I'm pissed off and at least a little turned on. I can't believe she had the nerve to tell me that she's thinking about taking Lorik up on his not-so-subtle offer to be with both of us.
Before we parted with him on Port Hanshan, Lorik basically asked me to consider bringing her along. It's not that the idea is a bad one...the thought of claiming both of them is enough to get me off alone. The problem is that we're less than 24 hours out of Shepard saying we need to back off, that we have to cool down, and now she's talking about a threesome with me.
What the hell am I supposed to do with that?
It's obvious that the fiery human Spectre wants me. I can see it every time she looks at me and certainly in everything that we've done. I just didn't think she wanted me in only the way that everyone else does. I could find a dozen women interested in my body. Hell, it's how my father keeps managing new bonding contracts. Those women know I will never love them, and they'll never love me; they don't care - they get the parts of me they want.
I thought my friendship with Shepard took us beyond that. Finding out I was wrong hurts like hell.
I force myself to focus as Shepard gives the command and follow both women through the doors where we know Matriarch Benezia is waiting. The room is built in a square with a central platform accessible only by half of the walkway, the rest circling around behind. There is a huge tank at the top of the stairs, parked at the end of the platform, but I can't see what might be inside it from this angle.
At the moment, there is only one other person in this room with us. Matriarch Benezia is tall and elegant in appearance. Considering she works with Saren, I'm not surprised that her gown displays most of her breasts. She doesn't move as we approach the bottom of the stairs slowly, just staring at the tank; my rifle is already in my hands, but until Shepard gives the word, I'll keep it down.
Movement inside the tank catches my attention, and I can't help my gasp of surprise when I realize that it contains a massive Rachni - bigger than any of the 'babies' we saw today. This is definitely an adult Rachni and the first one I've ever seen live or in person. I know when Shepard sees it because she startles just a tiny bit, but we all keep our attention on Benezia as she speaks.
"You do not know the privilege of being a mother," the Asari informs us in a husky voice. "There is power in creation. To shape a life. Turn it toward happiness or despair." She motions toward the tank and the Rachni inside. "Her children were to be ours. Raised to hunt and slay Saren's enemies."
Shit. I don't know a lot about Rachni, but we learned enough in school that I can deduce the thing in the tank is a queen, the creator of all the other Rachni here.
Benezia turns toward us and approaches, taking slow and measured steps to the top of the stairs as she says, "I won't be moved by sympathy. No matter who you bring into this confrontation."
"Liara is here because she's a member of my crew," Shepard informs the other woman simply. It's true, even if it's not the whole truth. Liara straightens her shoulders confidently and eyes her mother.
"Indeed?" Benezia actually seems a little surprised by that. Maybe she didn't expect that her daughter would work against her. "What have you told her about me, Liara?"
Even while Benezia addresses her daughter, she doesn't look at her. She's only watching Shepard, and I don't like the look in her eyes at all. I shift my grip on my rifle so that my finger is rested on the trigger, but I don't make a move yet.
"What could I say, Mother? That you're insane? Evil?" Liara demands, her voice rising in pitch already. She's not going to be able to stay calm, but considering her hands are already glowing with blue biotic energy, I don't think it's a bad thing. At least she won't freeze again. "Should I explain how to kill you? Tell me, what could I say?"
Matriarch Benezia takes a slow breath in, and the heads-up display on my visor records the increase in her pulse at her daughter's words. Liara has some effect on her mother, whatever the woman may want us to believe.
"Have you ever faced an Asari Commando unit before, Commander?" Benezia asks calmly. "Few humans have."
"Few humans are anything like me," Shepard returns, her voice just as calm. Damn, she makes me hot. "I have to admit, even with everything I know, I'm surprised you'd kill your own daughter."
Benezia finally looks at Liara. "I now realize I should have been stricter with her. I'll take care of it all now." She shifts just enough for me to realize that a hit is coming, and I raise my rifle, the signal forcing Benezia to move instead of hitting us with her biotics.
A door at the other end of the room flies open, and multiple armed Asari comes in. They have guns and biotics, but so do we.
We use the shape of the room to our advantage, moving around the space strategically while we take out multiple waves of powerful Asari and more than just a few Geth. The battle is tough, but with Liara on her game and Shepard the warrior that she is, we manage it pretty well. Benezia manages to force us into cover a few times when we get to an angle that she can fire her biotics at us from; she's extremely powerful, and I note that neither Shepard nor Liara tries their own biotics against her.
It doesn't make me feel great when we ascend the steps to the central platform after wiping out the Asari commandos to face the Matriarch. She's crouched down, facing the Rachni tank with her back to us, but I keep my crosshairs trained on the back of her head, fully prepared to take her down before I let her hurt Shepard.
Or any of us, not just Shepard. Shit.
"This is not over," Benezia informs us, voice just as calm as it was when we came in. She rises slowly but doesn't turn to face us. "Saren is unstoppable. My head is filling with his light. Everything is clear."
"No harm is talking then, right? What is Saren's next move?" Shepard asks.
The Asari only spares a glance over her shoulder. "I will not betray him. You will…" She stops suddenly, and her heart rate spikes. "You…"
Her voice becomes strained, and I glance at Shepard to see if she's causing this, but both Shepard and Liara look confused. Benezia groans and leans forward, her hands meeting the glass of the tank, and I can see her body tremble.
I nearly fire when Benezia whirls around suddenly, but the look in her eye gives me pause as she finally starts to approach us.
"You must listen," she insists, almost whispering like she thinks someone else is here to listen when she knows that we're alone. "Saren still whispers in my mind. I can fight his compulsions, but only briefly. The indoctrination is strong."
Liara falters, her hands and pistol lowering.
"Why are you able to break free of his control now?" Shepard asks, cautious but not suspicious.
"I was able to seal a part of my mind away from the indoctrination," Benezia informs us. "I've been saving it for a moment when I could help destroy him. It will not last long."
"Indoctrination," I repeat, disturbed and confused. "Are you saying that he brainwashed you? Saren is charming, sure, but brainwashing seems a little far-fetched."
Shepard seems to take that in, glancing at me, and I try not to let myself be swept up just because she values my thoughts and abilities in a fight.
Benezia shakes her head. "People...are not themselves around Saren. You come to idolize him, you would do anything for him."
My stomach knots, making me feel colder than even the weather here does. Something has changed drastically about a man that I've known so well and for so long.
"The key to this is Sovereign, his flagship," Benezia tells us. "It's a dreadnought of incredible siz,e and its power is extraordinary."
"The ship that attacked Eden Prime?" Shepard clarifies. I watch her shake her head a little and can tell she's recalling the memories. "I didn't think anything that size could land on a planet 'til I saw it."
"It has a very powerful mass effect drive. But that is not Sovereign's true power." The Asari wrings her hands in exactly the same way I've seen on her daughter. "The longer you stay aboard the ship, the more Saren's will seems correct. You sit at his feet and smile as his words pour into you. It's so subtle at first that I thought I was strong enough to resist; instead...I became a willing tool."
The disgusted look on the Asari's face makes me wonder exactly what Saren used the indoctrination to talk her into.
"He sent me here to find the location of the Mu Relay," Benezia continues, her voice urgent now. "Its position was lost thousands of years ago."
"How does something the size of a relay go missing?"
I blink at Shepard's question and then remember just how new humans are to the galaxy. "A few thousand years ago, a star near the relay went supernova. The shockwave sent the relay out of its systems," I explain. "Most races learn about it in school."
"But the relay was not destroyed," Benezia insists. "It's precise vector and speed are impossible to determine. As millennia passed, the nebula created by the nova enveloped the relay. It is difficult to find any cold object in interstellar space. Particularly something swathed in hot dust and radiation."
"Someone on Noveria found it?"
"Two thousand years ago, the Rachni inhabited that part of the galaxy," Benezia explains. "They discovered the relay."
I haven't heard any of this, but that doesn't mean it's not true. I'm not exactly an expert in interstellar intelligence - I just kill what I'm told to. And fuck human Commanders when they want it.
Benezia turns to look back at the caged Rachni. "The Rachni share memories across generations. Queens inherit the knowledge of their mothers. I took the location of the relay from the Queen's mind...I was not gentle."
She adds that last part sadly.
"What does Saren want with the Mu Relay?" Liara asks, speaking to her mother now that her mind is clear for the first time. Liara's voice has not changed, has not softened.
"He believes that it will lead him to the Conduit," she explains - the second time we've heard reference to this thing that we have no information or history on. "I would tell you more if I could, but Saren did not share his counsel with me. I was merely a servant to his cause."
Shepard takes a step forward and urges the woman, "You can still make things right. Give me the location of the relay, tell me what you learned."
"I transcribed the data onto an OSD. Take it, please," Benezia urges, rushing forward suddenly.
Shepard takes the disk but shakes her head. "The location of the relay isn't enough to help us. Do you know where he plans to go from there?"
"No, Saren never shared his destination with me - or anything else as far as I know. But you must find out quickly," she implores us. "I transmitted the coordinates to him before you arrived. You have to…" She cuts off in a groan, raising a hand to her forehead. "Oh, I can't...his teeth are at my ear."
She gives a pained moan, and Liara starts to move toward her, but I catch her wrist to stop her and give a slight shake of my head; we can't risk it.
"You should...ugh, please, you should - "
Benezia spins away from us, holding her head, and Liara grips my arms. I think she needs it to ground herself. "Mother, I - don't leave!" she shouts. "Fight him!"
"You have always made me proud," Benezia whispers. I feel Liara tremble and want to comfort her, but suddenly, the Matriarch whirls around to face us again. There's a glow all the way around her, a true testament to her biotic power, and pure hatred in her eyes. Before I can react or prepare, she shouts, "Die!"
A blast radiates from her and throws all of us back into the railing. Shepard hits the rail beside me and rolls smoothly to her knees, already firing. I manage to catch myself instead of falling and get a few shots off while Liara scrambles for cover, shooting as well.
It's a blast from her daughter that finally takes the Matriarch down.
"I cannot go on," she groans from the floor, holding her stomach. Blood seeps between her fingers from a close-range blast. "You will have to stop him, Shepard."
Shepard kneels in front of the woman as if she wasn't shooting at us a second ago. I want nothing more than to keep my rifle up, but it would be pointed too closely at Shepard; I can't stand the sight of her in my crosshairs. "Hold on, we've got Medi-Gel. Maybe we can - "
"No!" Benezia pushes Shepard's hand, her Omni-Tool already keyed up, away. "He is still in my mind. I am not entirely myself. I never will be again.
Liara bends down to her mother as the older Asari collapses back into the wall behind her. Benezia looks up at her and lifts a hand to Liara's check. "Goodnight, Little Wing. I will see you again with the dawn." Her eyes close, and then her hand falls away.
Shepard reaches out for Liara right away, holding her shoulder in a comforting gesture. I feel for the girl, my chest tight with her grief and memories of my own. I've come too close to losing a parent. Liara takes a moment and then nods to Shepard before they climb to their feet.
"You OK?" I ask Liara gently as Shepard walks toward the Rachni tank. I keep an eye trained on her the whole time, uncomfortable with a Rachni being here even if it's behind thick glass.
"I am, thank you. I think she is grateful that she is no longer under Saren's control." She has a point, and I would imagine she's right.
It takes a lot for me to think about Saren this way, as someone who indoctrinates other people to enslave them for his mission. I worked under the man, I was mentored by him and considered him a friend. He was a hard ass, he had a nasty temper and some ideals I didn't agree with, but I can't imagine this sort of behavior from him.
"By the Goddess!" Liara shouts suddenly, snapping me out of those thoughts and making Shepard spin around.
An Asari Commando, who was definitely dead moments ago, is now up, on her feet, and moving toward Shepard. Without a second thought, I fire a shot and nail it in the head...and the thing doesn't stop or fall. Liara turns away and grabs my shoulder while she gags.
With a bang that rattles the platform and startles Shepard, the Rachni is up against the glass, and the dead Asari goes stiff as a board...still on her feet.
I leave Liara to gag and move to Shepard's side; if the Asari can't get shot dead, I can at least throw her across the room.
The Asari zombie is moving again, its eyes still closed, and the Rachni pushes a long tentacle up against the glass. Shepard grabs my shoulder and pulls me to step backward with her even as she reaches around me to hold my rifle arm.
"Something is happening," she breathes as an explanation. I trust her and wait while the dead Asari continues until it reaches the glass, turns around, and presses its back to it. Suddenly, dead eyes fly open with irises black and hollow, just like during a joining. A noise like a low growl leaves it.
"This one serves as our voice." We both jump, the dead body speaking in a voice that clearly does not belong to it.
"Spirits, is that the Rachni?" I demand, more than just a little freaked out.
"Hands down the worst twenty-four hours ever," Shepard mutters. I try to ignore the way that makes my gut clench, knowing she's including our fight.
"We cannot sing," the Rachni Queen speaks. "Not in these low spaces. Your musics are colorless."
Shepard steps forward, looking between the Rachni and Asari with an expression that's half horrified and half curious. I maneuver as well to keep her behind me, especially since she's not armed. "Who exactly am I speaking to here?" she asks.
"We are the mother. We sing for those left behind. The children you thought silenced."
Shepard glances toward me, and I can read what she wants from me. She moves closer to glass, standing beside the Asari and facing the tank so that she's looking at the Queen. I stick behind her now, rifle ready to hit either the creature talking or the one that its voice is coming out of.
"Please ask how it's controlling the dead person," I request. Shepard flashes me a smirk but lets the Rachni continue.
"You are not in harmony with those who hoped to control us. What will you sing? Will you release us. Are we to fade away once more?"
"Release her?" Liara repeats. "Shepard, the Rachni are extremely dangerous."
"I have to agree. And considering millions of Krogan died during the Rachni Wars, I think Wrex might take personal offense to it," I warn her. "There are acid tanks rigged up on here. You can take it out if you want to." I wouldn't dare tell her what to do, and she knows that.
Shepard shakes her head. "The Salarians made a mistake, and everyone let the Krogan go too far. It's never OK to eradicate a species; if anyone should understand that genocide is wrong, it's Wrex." That's a very hard point to argue. "This is a chance for Rachni to atone. And she hasn't done anything to us."
"You and your companions hear the truth," the Rachni notes, apparently not mad at Liara or me for not being on her side. "You have the power to free us or return our people to the silence of memory."
"I need to make sure this isn't a mistake. If I let you live, will you attack other races and planets again? Or encourage your children to do so?" Shepard presses.
"No," the Rachni Queen answers firmly. "We...I do not know what happened in the war. We only heard discordance, songs the color of oily shadows. We would seek a hidden place to teach our children history. If they understand, perhaps we would return."
Shepard is silent for a moment, no readable expression on her face. I know exactly what she's going to do before she speaks and something that feels like pride builds in my chest. "I won't be responsible for the destruction of an entire race. You'll go free."
"You will give us a chance to compose anew?" The Rachni sounds almost genuinely surprised. "We will remember. We will sing of your forgiveness to our children."
Shepard motions toward me, and I don't hesitate to approach the console, to follow her command. I'm sure that there will be consequences for this, and I'm not sure whether it's the right decision, but I trust Shepard, and I want her to know that I respect her command. When I take over the console and access the controls, the tank lifts and rotates away from us. As soon as the Rachni moves away from the glass, the Asari, who was already dead, collapses.
The Rachni turns to look at us one more time before it exits through the door of the tank, sending it off to Spirits only know where.
"God, let's get the hell out of here." Shepard leads us out quickly, calling for a shuttle from the Normandy to get us back down to Port Hanshan and back onto our ship.
It's not a moment too soon for me. I'm agitated enough with everything happening with Shepard, but I still feel like all of those little Rachni babies are crawling all over me. I strip from my armor and shower as quickly as I can. The hot water temperature on the ship is even worse than on the Citadel, but it lasts longer, so I consider it a balance, and at least I feel clean.
Wrex is leaning on the Mako when I get back downstairs, waiting for me. "Shepard wants us upstairs in five for debrief," the Krogan grumbles. "Convince me I shouldn't headbutt her when I get up there."
"I'd actually love to watch her kick your ass," I admit. It makes the Krogan huff, which I've learned is almost as good as a chuckle from him. "I'm guessing you heard about the Rachni thing."
"Rachni thing? Those bugs nearly decimated the galaxy."
"Yeah, so did the Krogan. You a big fan of the response to that?"
He's aware that it's a challenge, and I'm aware that it's a risk. Wrex is close enough to bite me at least, and the genophage might deserve a bite or two, especially considering my people dispersed the toxin that the Salarians created.
Wrex studies me for a moment and then huffs again. "You have a point, pretty boy. Shepard doesn't want to cause genocide. Says a lot about her. Fine. I won't kill your girlfriend today."
"Could you quit with the girlfriend thing?"
"Grow a quad and man up, Turian."
"Bite me, battle turtle," I snap in response even if it totally lacks heat while the Krogan marches away and laughs at me.
He heads for the elevator, and I need to follow him, but before I get a chance, my Omni-Tool alerts me to a call. If it was anyone but Lorik Qui'in, I'd probably ignore it. Lorik, however, is a potential escape for me from any mentions of girlfriends and women who can't make up their minds.
We're going to be on Port Hanshan at least until the morning to refuel and restock. There's no sense wasting this opportunity to pull myself together. Mindless sex, no feelings, is exactly what I need.
I can't get into a shower fast enough after getting off of Noveria. I might have chosen to save the Rachni Queen, but that doesn't mean the bugs don't skeeve me out magnificently. It was a long day altogether, and not just because of the battles we faced.
With everything we dealt with today - the Rachni, the Matriarch and her death, the Queen - my mind is on Garrus.
He's not wrong about anything he said, and the guilt is plaguing me. I thought I'd made the right decision last night in pulling back from him. Neither of us has any business feeling jealous or territorial about the other. That wasn't the deal we made; this was supposed to be casual and simple.
As if the look on his face when I rejected him last night wasn't bad enough, I had to make it a hundred times worse today by getting so jealous at the thought of Garrus alone with someone else that I basically invited myself along. Or did Lorik invite me? I don't know. Hell, I don't even know if I could go through with something like that.
All I did was succeed in pushing my friend further away. Garrus feels cheap and used, and like I don't care about him. And I don't have it in me to tell him the truth.
I'm not just losing a lover, but my confidant on the mission. I'd like to be able to debrief with him before the crew, get some perspective on what our next moves should be. After our last major mission, Garrus was there for me when I needed a friend. Even after I messed up today, he stood by my side and respected my command. He also stepped right in front of me when a zombie Asari was on the move. Garrus Vakarian is a good soldier and a great man.
One who deserves a hell of a lot more than I've been giving him.
My Omni-Tool beeps with the alarm that I set, warning me that I need to get into the debrief, so I head right for the Comm Room where the team is assembling as well. I'll have to wait until after to talk to Garrus...if he'll talk to me.
"What's our next move, Commander?" Ashley asks, taking a seat beside Kaidan. They should all have read the mission reports by now. "Mu Relay?"
"The Mu Relay could link to dozens of systems. Unless we know exactly where Saren is heading, we'd be wasting our time," I remind her, all of them.
"The Commander is right," Liara chimes in. "And I think Garrus would agree as well that if we learned anything at all from what we saw today, it is that we still need to learn more about Saren."
He affirms with a nod, though he's staring at nothing on the floor.
Ashley just scoffs. "Who put you in charge? Did the Commander resign when I wasn't looking?"
"We are all on the same team here, Williams. Liara is just trying to help." Ashley falters under my gaze and mumbles an apology to the Asari. I exhale hard and stand, less prepared to deal with this than I thought. "We aren't going after the Mu Relay, not yet. I need to figure some things out. And I need to report to the Council."
"They're ready when you are Commander," Joker announces over the comms.
"Good, patch them through. Crew dismissed." I approach a terminal while the crew files out of the room behind me, mumbling to themselves and probably annoyed that the meeting lasted all of thirty seconds. They'll just have to understand it; it's all I have in me right now.
Unfortunately, I have to find something for the Council.
"Is this report accurate, Commander?" Tevos asks the moment the hologram comes through. "You found Rachni on Noveria?"
"And then released the Queen?" Sparatus adds, his tone tight and stance almost aggressive. "Do you have any idea what you've done? How many generations until they've overrun the galaxy?" He looks angry, and I've never really seen any emotion on any of them.
If he's going to get pissed about my decisions, the Turian Councilor can come down off his throne and run the damn mission himself.
"This Queen is different," I tell them, trying to maintain my cool. "She understands why her kind had to be wiped out last time around."
Sparatus shakes his head. "I hope you're right, Shepard. Our children's children will pay the price if not."
Tevos sighs. "We'll be waiting for your next report, Commander."
When the Council is gone, I just have to blink at the wall for a moment. I stopped Saren's strongest ally, took on a whole bunch of Rachni, and ended corruption on a major galactic port. And all they want to do is yell at me.
Why on Earth did I think being a Spectre was a good thing?
I'm on my own now, until I decide to give Joker the command to leave Port Hanshan...which we're not scheduled to do until tomorrow. I gave shore leave as of a little while ago, so most of the crew is already gone. It's not until then that I realize just how tense the day has made me.
It's not the fighting, it's not what we learned about Saren and his plans. I cannot stand being on uneven ground with Garrus. The one person I want to turn to for stress relief and just for a friend, and he's unavailable because I can't manage to function without six-foot walls around my emotions.
"You OK?" The unexpected voice makes me jump, but the fact that it belongs to the one person I need most right now makes me laugh.
"How'd you know i was thinking of you?" I turn to face him and lean against one of the chairs with my arms crossed.
"Got lucky for once." He rubs his hand back over his fringe, signaling discomfort, and it makes me feel terribly guilty. "I just wanted to talk about earlier. What I said...the way that I talked to you was totally inappropriate. It's not acceptable, and...I'm sorry."
I let out a harsh breath that I hadn't even realized I was holding. There's a lot that he could have said, but an apology feels like a good start.
"I'm sorry, too. I've been...weird. Ridiculous. Probably making things more complicated than they need to be - and now I'm rambling." Garrus doesn't laugh at that or tease me the way I expect him too, only making me feel more awkward. "Look, can we just start over? Just hang out and finish our marathon?"
"Tonight?" I, uh…" He clears his throat. That simple thing is the single most awkward move I've ever seen from the Turian. "I can't tonight. I...have plans."
"Oh, what - " I stop myself when the answer to the question I didn't ask hits me, but Garrus heard, and I can't stand the sympathy on his face. He's got the nerve to be pitying me because he's leaving the spend the night with someone else. "Right. You're spending the night with Lorik Qui'in."
Garrus hesitates for a moment and then comes further into the room, checking once over his shoulder to make sure we're alone. "Shepard, I don't know what you expect from me. I'm not trying to hurt you, I just...I don't know what to do here."
"You could…" I take a deep breath to try and get myself to calm down enough to get the words out. "Cancel on him. We can spend the night together instead, try and figure things out."
It's a lie. There's no figuring things out, and I don't want to talk. I just don't want him with anyone else, and I don't care how irrational, how selfish that is right now.
"You want to sleep with me," he notes, catching me on the lie because, of course, he does. "I can't do that, Shepard. It's…"
"What?" I demand. I can feel him slipping through my fingers, and it scares me. "It's better with a Turian, it's a pain to sneak around, it's - "
"Shepard, it's too fucking hard. I'm breaking the rules, OK?" Garrus almost shouts, his voice raising enough that I might be worried someone else could hear him. I might be worried except that all I can focus on at the moment is Garrus.
I scoff at him and shake my head. "You are not breaking the rules, actually. The rule was that we tell each other if we're sleeping with someone else."
"That's...that's not the rule I'm talking about." I frown up at him, but Garrus won't look at me now. The shirt that he's wearing has a low enough collar that I can see a blue tint creeping up his neck and can't help but wonder if that's a Turian blush. I'm not even sure I think Garrus is capable of blushing.
It takes me a moment to remember the other rules, and then the rule that he must be talking about hits me like a charging Krogan.
"Oh."
The reaction is pathetic, meek, not half of what I want to say, and absolutely none of what I'm feeling when this man has just confessed he's falling in love with me. Instantly my heart starts racing, and my face feels hot. I can feel my hands shaking, and I have never wanted to touch anyone so badly.
"Yeah." Garrus gives a short, harsh laugh and still doesn't look at me. "So I need to go and...I don't know. Feel something for someone else. Or feel nothing. I need that."
I know that I should stop him, but my feet feel stuck in cement, and my mouth is totally dry.
Garrus stops just before leaving the room and turns halfway back. "I'm sorry, Elle. For everything."
With that, he's gone. I hear him released from the ship altogether a moment later and know that it's all over. Garrus is the best person I've met and the best friend I've had in...maybe ever. Now, he's gone.
It should have been a great night.
Lorik Qui'in is an excellent fuck, just the right side of insubordinate to make punishing him fun for it without it being a chore. I'm not exactly a slacker in bed and I know Lorik got what he needed from me, both of us climaxing multiple times - once before we even got our clothes off because I was so desperate to feel something when I walked in the door that I fucked him right there on the floor when his pants down around his knees.
The cause of that desperation ruined what would otherwise have been a great night.
Last night was awful.
I fucked Lorik to punish both of us, angry at myself for being here and at him for not being Shepard. I don't want anyone else, and I hate myself for that. It's weak and pathetic. Especially because Shepard is keeping me at such a firm distance.
She said that we could be friends, but she wanted a booty call, and I can't give that to her when my whole being is full of her.
Spirits, I barely know her. She won't let me in. She doesn't want me. So instead of facing that reality, I fucked Lorik and myself senseless last night. And I haven't gotten out of his bed yet because I'm terrified of going back to that ship and facing her.
I did this to punish myself, not her. I'd never hurt her if I could avoid it. So, I need to believe that last night was the final shove to make Elle Shepard keep her distance from me.
I have to push her away if I'm going to stop her from breaking me.
"So when are you going to tell her?"
Lorik's voice from beside me startles me a bit since I hadn't realized he was awake yet; I really must have been deep in thought. I turn my head, grateful to have spent a night comfortable on a bed built for my species at least, and frown at the man lying naked beside me.
"Come on, Vakarian. We both know I'm not who you were thinking about last night."
"Fuck." I drag my hand down my face, guilt feeling like ice in my gut, and roll toward him. "I'm sorry, Lorik. That's really unfair to you."
I hate knowing I was distracted enough that my partner knew I wasn't focused on them. This and killing things from impressive distances is really all I have going for me - I need to not screw either one of those up.
"We both also know that I enjoyed the hell out of last night," Lorik amends, lifting his brow plates to eye me. "I'm not complaining. I'm worried about a good friend."
"Ah. I think I'd prefer the complaining, can we go back to that?" He laughs at me and then moves before I see him coming so that very suddenly, he's straddling my hips, and I'm staring up at him. "I do not like being topped, Qui'in."
Unless you have bright red hair and fantastic breasts.
"I know so listen close, and then I'll let you punish me for it." That gets attention behind my groin plates, and my hands move to his waist on instinct. Lorik flashes a smirk at me, but I can see his interest too, and I kind of hope he'll forget what he wanted to talk about. "Pup. I saw that human with you. She wants you. What the hell are you doing here?"
I try not to wince at his words, the truth still raw. "She doesn't want me. Not...not the way I want her." I don't know what makes me confess that to him; maybe it's just because I need to say it to someone.
I need to make it real so I can quit hanging on.
Lorik blinks green eyes at me. The wrong shade of green. "Wow. Have you...have you ever been in love before, Garrus?"
I scoff and quickly slip one arm under his thigh, using the leverage to toss him off of me and back onto the other side of the bed where he can stop looking at me like that.
"I don't want to talk about this, and I'm not in love." There's still some hope for me if I can get some distance from her. And that's why I came here last night; I need Shepard to be the one who walks away because I can't say no to her.
I get out of bed and start searching for my pants, idly hoping that we didn't rip them since I'm too big to fit into Lorik's clothes, and I don't think the management on Port Hanshan will appreciate me walking back to the docks naked. Fortunately, they're in one piece, and with my shorts as well, I start to yank my clothes on.
Lorik stays on the bed, hands behind his head and just watching me...looking damn fine while he does it, especially with the sheets pooled low on his hips. The look on his face makes me feel hot.
"Something else you wanted to say?" I ask him, aware that he'll know it's a challenge.
Ever ready, Lorik grins. "Just taking in a sight many assumed impossible." When I frown, his smile grows, and he clarifies, "Garrus Vakarian in love."
"Keep it up, and you'll get that punishment," I promise him, a growl already building in my chest and interest stirring with heat behind my plates.
"Really?" he purrs while climbing out of bed himself. "Because I thought you had to be at the ship early." When he approaches and stands too close for normal conversation, I scan him briefly. His heart is already racing, according to my visor - which we never bothered to take off last night. "But if you have time...I have a shower.
The invitation feels painfully familiar. It sounds a lot like what I said to Shepard the morning after what was supposed to be our only one nightstand. The memory of the only time I showered with her is a powerful one, and I can think of no better way to get rid of it than to create a new one.
I grip Lorik's fringe and yank him against me, dragging my teeth down his throat and basking in his whimper. He quickly gathers himself and grips my arms to fight against me because he knows I like a little struggle for dominance, but I hold him tighter.
"We don't have time," I growl into his ear, yanking his head back to expose his throat to me - Lorik doesn't dare resist that. "You want me to fuck you, you'll have to let me."
"Then grab a condom and take your pants off." I meet his gaze, and his eyes flash with mirth before he obediently adds, "Sir." I drop my hand to smack his ass, my cock jumping behind my plates in response to his yelp. "Don't tease me if you don't have time."
"There will be no teasing, don't worry," I promise him. "Get the shower started." Lorik flashes a grin and pauses only to lick the tip of my mandible before he heads right for the bathroom.
I tear through my belt and glance around to find the box of condoms I brought with me, all while my mind drifts to what Shepard might be doing at his moment. I wonder what she did last night...if she watched the rest of the Blasto movies without me.
Fuck this.
There's a sexy, willing man waiting for me in the shower right now. Lorik will let me do whatever I want with his body and still give a shit about me after. I know his family, he asked about my sister by name, and we didn't get any of it from each other's dossier. I have plenty of friends I sleep with casually, and not a single one of them treats me as just a booty call.
Clearly, Shepard doesn't like or respect me enough for that.
It's half knowing that Lorik is waiting for me in the shower and half rage that Shepard could think so little of me that gets my erection going with gusto. Condom in hand, I head for the bathroom, already steamed up.
"Shit, you have actual hot water," I mutter, stripping out of my pants again.
"The true value of living on Noveria," Lorik calls from inside the shower. He pops open the glass door and ogles me blatantly, sneaking his tongue out to lick his mandible with his eyes trained on my cock. He's hard and ready and waiting for me. "So, something is wrong with the human Spectre, right? I mean, who in their right mind would give you up?"
His gaze lifts to meet mine when he says it, making the point that he's not just talking about what's in my pants...or what's very much out in the open right now.
No more hesitation, I back Lorik into the far wall of the shower when I enter and pin him with my hands and either side of his head. He starts panting almost immediately, his heart rate spiking when I press the condom into his hand. His eyes meet mine, looking for permission.
"Get me ready to take you."
I hold his gaze while he tears the foil with his teeth and a breath hisses out of me when his hand grips my cock. I look down to watch him stroke slowly, a strong hand and dangerous talons squeezing the head hard. He rolls the condom on me efficiently, and then I smack his hand away, needing release much harder than his hands can deliver.
"Turn around." I grab a bottle of oil he has on a shelf in use some on my fingers while making room for him to maneuver.
He doesn't do anything other than what I've told him to, only turning around and waiting because he's used to his role even if we've spent years apart. I wrap my other hand around his throat and pull him back into me, his pulse pounding under my hand while he gives a soft growl of arousal. His subtones are flanging wildly, and they escalate when I nip his throat hard.
"Bend down and spread yourself for me," I order when I release him. He obeys immediately, and that's just as hot as the sight of him folding in front of me. "Further. Crouch."
"Fuck," he moans softly, aware that the position means I'm going to take him hard.
"No talking, not if you want to be allowed to cum." He gives a fantastic sounding groan, and I make short work of testing him with my fingers; he doesn't need a lot of work to spread since I spent most of the night here. The sight of his ass makes my cock twitch violently, and I hold his hips firmly to position myself above him.
From this angle, surrounded by the heat and steam of the shower with hot water pounding my back, I can take him hard and fast - and I do just that, thrusting my hips hard to sink in up to the hilt.
Lorik starts to cry out before snapping his mouth shut, so the sound becomes muffled. He has to stop himself from falling completely with his forearm on the floor, and I feel him panic about breaking the position I put him in. "It's OK, brace yourself," I assure him.
I give him a second to do just that, and then I pound in, slamming myself home with force. He stifles the next cry and moans, the sound and tight hold of his ass making me do the same.
Lorik's body feels great - hot and tight and literally made for me - but he was right; my mind isn't on him at all. If I wish Shepard was here, it's mostly because I want her to watch and know she doesn't own me. I don't need to let her jerk me around when I can have anyone else; maybe I should show her the list of marriage contracts my father has for me.
OK, well, that thought isn't going to help me get there at all.
I focus on the body in front of me and redouble my efforts, pounding relentlessly into him at a punishing pace. I can tell Lorik wants to scream my name, but he holds onto his direction not to talk, pounding the floor of the shower with his fist, and his throat flushed blue with the effort to hold back.
I reward him with mercy. "Go ahead."
"Fuck, Garrus," he cries out, his body shuddering violently. "I need more, please, please, Garrus." The moan is mine this time, and I roll my hips against him on the next thrust, rubbing a spot I know well deep inside him. "Yes - fuck!"
He trails off into an unintelligible string of mostly just sounds and subtones while he cums hard. Normally I drag more than one from my partners, but I really am in a rush and need to finish, so I close my eyes and let go before burying myself inside him and exploding on one final thrust.
I hold myself inside him for a moment while I catch my breath and then hold him steady before pulling out slowly. The little whimper Lorik releases is definitely enough to make me want to go again, but I'm at least a little nervous Shepard will leave without me if I'm not at the ship on time.
Lorik pulls himself up on shaky legs, and I let him lean back against me to gather himself, wrapping my arms around his waist. "You OK?"
"Really fucking good," he responds with a sated laugh. "But damn Vakarian, you've got it bad."
"Go back to not talking," I growl back at him. I push him away but not hard enough to risk hurting him, and Lorik only laughs. He has the sense to keep quiet while he cleans up quickly, but he's smiling at me again by the time we put our clothes back on.
"Shame you're leaving. You could invite Commander Shepard over," he suggests playfully, wisely waiting until I'm pulling on my boots.
He just laughs at my growl, the threat of punishment gone now that he knows I really do have to leave.
When I stand, fully dressed, Lorik's smile fades, and he grows serious for a moment. "You're being careful out there, right? This shit sounds pretty serious, and we know Saren is no one to fuck with."
It really is nice to have someone care about you after you make them cum.
"Don't worry about me. We're gonna put an end to all of it soon." Lorik seems to accept that, and he's smiling again when I hug him.
We part of his door, and I make the walk back to the Normandy on my own, taking each step slowly because it feels like walking into a varren den. Shepard was pretty upset when I left last night, even though I didn't intend to hurt her then.
I didn't intend to tell her that I'm falling for her either - further proof that it's too dangerous for me to spend time with her.
Everything is going to be different on that little ship now. Now...I've lost my best friend again.
