I'm well aware that I'm being petty, and I really don't care. It's not like I'm doing anything to compromise the mission or my team. We'll be just fine on Feros.
We will be just fine without Garrus on the squad for the first time since he joined the crew.
The decision has caused a bit of a ruckus on the ship, I know. No one has questioned me on it directly since they've all learned better - and probably since Garrus has barely been speaking to me at all - but talk is there. I wish it wasn't so obvious something is off, but I'm only human and can't help how I feel.
And how I feel is pretty irritated. Jealous, yes, Pissed. I feel played.
Garrus told me he had serious feelings for me, turned down my offer to spend the night together, and then went out to fuck someone else all at once. Then he came sauntering back onto the ship while the rest of us were having breakfast the next morning, smelling of sex and looking damn satisfied. I'm not too big to admit I can't stand knowing someone other than me put that look on him.
Worse, I feel like he flaunted reminders that the sex we had isn't what he's used to just because I can't put the scratches and marks that we all saw on him during a sparring round with Wrex the next day. Garrus and his friend clearly had the sort of sex I stumbled across on the extranet while trying to figure out if there was a way I could convince him to want me more than Lorik.
It hurts more than a little to know that the answer might have been be Turian.
OK, fine, maybe I rejected his offer of more, of having both our friendship and the sex. But I never wanted all of it to end. And I didn't want him in someone else's arms. I know I'm being irrational and petty, but I'm only human.
So today, as we reach Feros, where we're following up on a lead about Geth at a human colony called Zhu's Hope, I'm not bringing Garrus on the mission with me.
Ashley and Kaidan will be on my squad instead. The Alliance crew members are eager for a chance to prove themselves, especially Kaidan, who has been even more insistent since I stopped spending time with Garrus at night. Flirting with him has been the only bright point of the last two days when I've otherwise been either working or moping. I might be using him a little, and maybe that's part of the reason why he makes the squad, but Kaidan doesn't seem to mind either way.
I can't take the decision back now anyhow, and I don't really want to. Garrus doesn't get to see the action on Feros today, and he certainly doesn't get to believe that I need him.
Of course, the decision doesn't stop part of me from waiting for Garrus to come see me all day as we prepare for the mission. He finished breakfast early and hasn't emerged from the garage again, just down there working away on the Mako. I know he had lunch with Tali, and I know the Quarian is fretting pretty heavily over the rift between us. Tali likes her friendship with each of us and now feels like she has to choose.
I feel guilty for putting her in that place, and I also feel like she should choose Garrus. I want them to have each other.
I can only do so much prepping and polishing of my armor before heading down to the garage, where I know I'll have to face Garrus. My gear needs to be prepped as well, so when Joker signals our approach, I finally take the elevator down.
Still on my petty streak, I intend to avoid looking to my right where Garrus is certain to be working on the tank. Instead, I find him with Wrex near the weapons lockers. They're both laughing, though I watch the smile drop quickly from the Turian's face when they spot me.
I hate that I still get butterflies at the sight of the tall, gorgeous man when he's so obviously unhappy to see me. I hate that I've made such a good friend unhappy to see me, too.
"Shepard. If you're taking the humans to leave one behind, I vote for the xenophobe," Wrex grumbles, leaning against the wall like nothing in the world bothers him.
Garrus chuckles softly at that. "You'll have to be more specific there, Wrex," he advises.
It's not directed at me, but the fact that I'm involved in the conversation makes it the most he's said to me in three days. On a small ship, avoiding someone takes effort, and Garrus is doing a damn good job of it.
"I'll take that into consideration, guys, thanks."
I head for my locker and find it in a surprising state. I have to stop and think for a moment, trying to remember if I did come down here and prepare earlier. All of my weapons are cleaned, loaded, primed, and waiting for me to collect them; even my favorite assault rifle was chosen correctly.
"You know, Shepard, I wouldn't do that for a female unless I knew for certain I was getting laid. And even then, I wouldn't," Wrex informs me plainly, eyeing me sideways like he knew I was confused. I just blink at him for a moment, still lost.
Then it occurs to me that only one person knows the combination to my locker - my birthday - and knows what weapons I prefer for Geth.
I turn to find Garrus standing near the Mako with his back to us, typing away on the console. I need to thank him. I should thank him. It was really thoughtful...Wrex isn't wrong, no one else would think to do this for me just to make my day a little easier.
I kind of hate what a good friend he is, considering I don't think we're actually friends right now.
"I'm not a female, Wrex," I inform him as I walk away, sucking up my prideful pettiness and crossing the garage to the Turian. "I am a woman. Learning the difference will get you a long way."
"I am four hundred years old and a Krogan. I don't change."
That makes me laugh, and I'm grateful for the release of tension as I approach Garrus' back. And his cute butt. "Hey, Garrus."
"Commander." His response comes quickly, polite and professional. It knocks the smile right off my face, and any momentum I might have had disappears. He might have done something nice for me, but it apparently wasn't in an effort to start a conversation or reconcile; he doesn't even turn to face me, so I'm forced to thank his back.
My voice is quieter when I try to speak again. "I just wanted to say thanks for my locker." He stops typing and turns slowly. It's worse to have to talk to impossibly blue eyes than his back, that's for sure. "It was really nice of you."
"Just trying to be helpful, Commander. Mako is all ready to go for you, too. Good luck on Feros." The Turian gives nothing away in his voice, his face, or his stance. He's not hard, just...professional. He feels like he's miles from me, and the image of his back and shoulders covered in scratches that someone else put on him in the throes of passion crosses my mind.
I force a nod and spin on my heel, moving back to my weapons locker to stock up. I can feel his eyes on me from behind for at least part of the walk, but I never look back. For once, I'm grateful when Ashley and Kaidan arrive so that I can push any thoughts of Garrus and his distant behavior and our wrecked friendship out of my mind.
"The Geth reports are still active on Zhu's Hope, Skipper?" Ashley asks.
"They were until about twelve hours ago when the Alliance lost all contact with the colony," I tell them. "No idea what we're walking into, so be prepared for anything."
"Always am, Commander." Kaidan uses my title just like Garrus did, but his tone is less professional. I offer him a smile and wish I had more to give; if nothing else, Kaidan might be a welcome distraction for me today.
Besides, there are colonists in danger with Geth to kill and a nutjob Turian to stop.
Focus is easy to come by when we arrive on Feros because the situation is obviously pretty grave. The colony is no longer thriving the way Admiral Hackett described it to me a few days ago; their numbers have been violently slashed and they're without food, water, or a power source. On top of all that, the Geth are attacking them almost constantly if the way everyone is on edge is any sign. These people needed help from the Alliance way before now, and I'm annoyed that Geth presence meant they had to wait for the Normandy specifically; I'll have to talk to Hackett about that policy, but I get my team to work right away.
The Geth are attacking through a tower that leads up to a walkway and connects the entire colony. They're accessing it from drop ships above the colony and are relentless in sending wave after wave down here. I take Kaidan and Ashley up into the stairwell to face them head-on instead, and we work as a unit to take them out.
"Commander, one of those Ghost guys are up on the wall," Ashley advises, ducking another shot from above us.
She's right, the damn thing has us almost trapped in cover. "Garrus, can you - " I stop myself, the mistake obvious. My sniper would have had the thing down already.
"I've got it, Commander." Before I can stop him, Kaidan breaks cover and sends a biotic blast toward the Geth just as it hops to another wall. I roll my eyes even as I watch Kaidan run for new cover with concern; if I thought biotics could do it, I would have taken the thing out that way myself.
"You two keep their attention and cover me," I command them. "I'll do it."
I draw my pistol from my hip and manage to take it out with a few more shots - and without getting shot by any of the others. I have to help Ashley and Kaidan finish off the rest of the squadron after...because none of us can take them out with one shot through the flashlight every time.
Frustration with myself builds quickly. I'm on edge; I have my shields up much more than usual, and I'm being more conservative because I don't feel as safe as I'm used to feeling on missions now. I'd like to lie to myself and say that maybe it's because we're shooting in an unfamiliar and awkward place or that it's because these Geth are particularly good.
The truth sucks much more. I feel unsafe because Garrus isn't here. Not only am I missing his talent, but the Turian doesn't hide his efforts to protect me. He'd walk right into the line of fire if needed.
I don't doubt that Ashley and Kaidan care about me or that they're dedicated to the mission, but they're more worried about dodging and making their own shots. I get that, and I commend it; in fact, I scold Garrus for taking his position on my six so seriously that it puts him at extra risk. Now that I don't have what feels like an assurance of safety with nearly seven feet and three hundred pounds of Turian sharpshooter behind me, I hate that I feel exposed and vulnerable.
We finally manage to defeat the Geth and take down a transmitter that was drawing the dropships to get some stability, even if it's temporary. I lead the squad back to the colony, only a little dustier and mildly winded for the moment. It's hot here without power but not unbearably so. Still, I'm hoping we can get through this whole thing and back onto the ship quickly...even if there is nothing waiting for me there.
We meet the colony leader, Fai Dan, a short man who comes off pretty jumpy and tense. "The tower is secure," he says by way of greeting when we approach him. "Thank you, Commander."
"I'm just glad your people are safe."
He nods rapidly, his eyes darting around; it seems like he's expecting more Geth to pop out of nowhere at any second. I remember living on edge like that. "I appreciate your concern," he assures us. "And your efforts against the Geth."
"You might have slowed them down, but they'll be back," the woman beside him snaps, her hands clenched tight around her rifle. "They always come back."
"The Geth don't just show up for nothing - they're on a specific mission, which means that they're looking for something specific here," I tell them both. I offer a shrug, trying to appear calm to get them to calm down a little. "Help me figure out what the Geth want, and you'll all make it out of this."
Fai Dan shakes his head, and before he even opens his mouth, I know that he's about to lie to me. "We don't know what they're after. They came, and they attacked us. That's all we know." I look to his companion, but she doesn't offer anything else.
Why these people would choose to lie when I'm here to save their lives is beyond me. I might feel for what they're going through, but I don't have much tolerance for bullshit.
Fai Dan seems to waver a little under my gaze, and he sighs after a bit, shifting uncomfortably between his feet. "Look, most of their focus has been at ExoGeni headquarters. A good place to start looking for...answers."
We press them to find out that ExoGeni is the company funding this colony and where most of the colonists are employed. The skyway at the top of the stairwell we just fought in will take us directly to take a section of the settlement, and we don't waste time getting there since the colonists aren't going to offer any more help.
It certainly seems like the Geth want to keep us out of the headquarters and away from whatever is in there, but we manage to get across in the Mako.
I'm trying not to be annoyed with Ashley and Kaidan. It's my fault that they haven't been on many missions, not theirs. But it means that I don't have the synchronicity with the two of them that I can rely on with Wrex or Tali or even that I think I could develop with Liara. I have to give orders constantly instead of having people on the squad who know from experience what I want them to do.
And I don't have Garrus to read my mind, for banter to keep my stress down, or to make the shots I need.
In any case, Ashley and Kaidan are least keeping up when I lead them down into a bunker where we're picking up static from live radio communication. We have our weapons drawn on approach, just in case, but when I realize the room is full of people - no Geth - I give the order to put them away. There are two armed guards with ExoGeni insignia on their armor, but they don't look inclined to shoot.
The man who approaches us, however, looks damn alarmed at our arrival. His expression has his face pulled so tight I'm worried for his safety. "That's close enough!" he almost shouts when I'm still about thirty feet from him.
I can feel Kaidan's footsteps falter behind me like he thought I might actually follow that order and stop. He really doesn't know me very well.
A woman approaches as well just as I reach the little man, and she's much calmer in appearance and tone though I can see heavy bags under her eyes. "Relax, Jeong," she advises. "They're pretty obviously not Geth."
"Get back, Juliana!" Jeong snaps like he's not totally sure we aren't alien robots.
I must have gotten even less sleep last night than I realized if I'm looking to look like a Geth.
"I'm Commander Shepard," I tell them both. I need to get to work, not deal with his panic attack. "I'm here to remove your Geth problem."
Juliana scoffs at her coworker or whatever he is, patting his shoulder. "See? You worry too much."
"And you trust too easily!" He says it in almost a stage whisper, and I can't help but roll my eyes. Garrus would definitely enjoy messing with this guy; Ashley and Kaidan are silent on either side of me, ever the by-the-book Alliance professionals. Boring.
I shake my head to force out the errant thoughts and focus.
"I'm just glad to see a friendly face," Juliana assures us. "I thought we were the only ones left on this planet." I frown at that and feel Ashley's eyes on me with a frown of her own. They might be separate from the colony but not so far removed that they shouldn't know the colonists are still there. "What?" Juliana asks, reading our expressions.
"Fai Dan and some members of Zhu's Hope colony are still here."
Juliana's mouth drops open and then promptly snaps it shut again so hard I can hear her teeth clench. She whirls on Jeong, who already looks guilty. "You said they were all dead!"
"I said they were probably all dead."
"Well, they're not dead. But the Geth are really pounding them," Ashley chimes in.
"We know what that's like. Those damn synthetics are relentless." Juliana shudders slightly after she says it, and both of them glance past us, still on edge and expecting more attacks even while they're hidden down here.
It bothers me to see fear on the face of innocent civilians, but desperation is something I can use to our advantage. "I can keep them away from you, but I need some information."
Jeong is back to eyeing us suspiciously when he asks, "What kind of information?"
"Ignore him," Juliana interrupts. "The Geth are up in the ExoGeni Headquarters. You're close, they're in the tower a bit further up the skyway."
"Those headquarters are private property, Commander!" Jeong takes a bold step toward me and points a long finger. "Remove the Geth and nothing else!"
I take a step right back toward him, and the man cowers instantly. "I'm a Spectre, and I don't need your permission to take whatever I damn well, please. Lucky for you, I have no interest in your company secrets. Just, you know, saving your asses."
He blinks rapidly at me and then gives a weak nod.
Juliana looks at him with barely contained disdain. "What else do you need to know, Commander?"
"I need to know why the Geth are here in the first place," I urge her. "What are they after?"
Juliana glances at Jeong, who is profusely shaking his head, telling her to lie right to my face. I consider holding him at gunpoint for information - or just for fun - but Juliana makes the right move and decides talking is a good idea.
Unfortunately for us, that means learning about the Thorian.
At first, I think she has to be screwing with us about an ancient plant with mind-control capabilities. I mostly just assume they're exhausted and sleep-deprived, or maybe she's speaking in code. There's just no way this Thorian is real.
Or at least I don't believe her until the colonists go all zombie and start shooting at us.
I almost shoot Kaidan and Ashley myself when they argue with my command not to harm a single colonist but to use nerve gas grenades instead to know them out. They don't continue their argument, and none of the colonists are so much as injured, but I make it clear it's not something I'll forget.
It only takes fighting through about a hundred more Geth on the skyway and in Exogeni's headquarters before we see the damn Thorian for ourselves. It's unlike any plant I've ever seen or imagined, especially considering it spits out a talking Asari Commando clone and is defended violently by husks that spit acid.
Kaidan proves his worth to the squad, using pretty damn impressive biotics to keep those things at a distance until we can disconnect enough of the plant's tendrils to disable it.
The weird doesn't stop when we're back on the ground level and find the Asari again. Only now she's blue instead of an unnatural green and...crawling out of a node on the wall like she's being birthed. Yuck. I keep my gun leveled at the Asari as she climbs to her feet much more unsteadily than we've seen from the fighter before.
The moment she looks up at us, I lower my gun and feel more concern than anger. Her eyes are clear, no longer black. This isn't a clone, but possibly the original.
"I'm free," she breathes. "I'm...free. Thank you. Thank you for releasing me."
I can tell she's a little dazed, but we aren't going to be able to find a better source for information on what the hell is going on here. Still, I want to make sure the Asari isn't too badly injured before I question her. "Are you hurt?"
"No, I am fine. Or...I think I will be in time." She takes a breath and steadies herself. "My name is Shiala. I serve...well, served Matriarch Benezia. When she allied herself with Saren, so did I. Benezia foresaw the influence Saren would have, and she joined him to guide him down a gentler path. But Saren is compelling, and Benezia lost her way."
"I met Matriarch Benezia recently. She was trying to battle the indoctrination, and I believe she had good intentions," I admit. I find myself wishing Liara was here for this.
"The strength of his influence is truly troubling." Shiala looks honestly disturbed and even a little confused talking about it now like she's not sure when things started to change. I saw the same look on Matriarch Benezia; it tells me that Saren and his ship, Sovereign, are extremely dangerous.
People don't even know they're being indoctrinated until it's too late. The thought makes me feel sick, the implications of that sinking in hard and heavy.
Shiala walks away a bit, toward the center of the tower where the Thorian was hanging recently. It's somewhere at the bottom now. "I was a willing slave when Saren brought me to this world," she tells us. "He needed my biotics to communicate with the Thorian, to learn its secrets. Saren offered me in trade. I was sacrificed to secure an alliance between Saren and the Thorian."
"Saren is pretty quick to betrayal," I growl, feeling a stab of pain in my heart at the memory of Nihlus and how Garrus sounded on the call when I told him about Eden Prime.
"He was quick to betray the Thorian, too," Shiala continues. "After he got what he wanted, Saren ordered the Geth to destroy all evidence of its existence."
I take a breath and nod to myself, feeling the pieces click in my mind. "So the Thorian was using the colonists and its control over them to protect itself from the Geth. And the Geth were just killing everything in sight, no surprise there."
It makes me even more grateful that we didn't hurt any of the colonists, that I didn't listen to Kaidan or Ashley when they argued for safety and efficiency.
"You were right, Commander," Kaidan offers. "Every colonist who fired at us was an innocent victim." I nod to him, grateful that he's able to concede that now.
Shiala isn't done dropping bombshells. "Saren knows you're after the conduit." I snap my head up, focused again on the Asari. "He knows you are following his steps. He attacked the Thorian so that you could not gain the Cipher."
"Cipher?"
"The beacon on Eden Prime gave you visions, but the visions are unclear and confusing, right?"
I feel my spine stiffen at her knowledge, especially in front of Ashley and Kaidan, who don't know I'm still having the visions. Liara and Dr. Chakwas know about the visions because they need to, but I've only really shared any of it with Garrus. I don't trust anyone else, and right now, I feel exposed. "Those beacons were meant for a Prothean mind; to truly comprehend the visions, you must think like and understand a Prothean."
Again, Shiala looks toward the dead plant thing. She seems...not quite sad but almost lost. "The Thorian was here long before the Protheans built this city. It watched them, studied them. When they died, it consumed them. The Protheans became part of it.
"So the Thorian taught Saren to think like a Prothean?" This all sounds too weird to believe.
"The Cipher is the very existence of the Protheans," Shiala explains. "It cannot be described or explained. It would be like trying to describe color to a creature without eyes."
Ashley scoffs. "Maybe we could cut the poetry and get right to the point?"
"Knock it off." She blinks at my tone but nods immediately and keeps her mouth shut. "Go on," I urge Shiala. I'm not going to let Ashley's xenophobia annoy a potential ally.
"To understand, you must have access to endemic ancestral memory. A viewpoint spanning thousands of Prothean generations." Shiala crosses her arms like the memory is unpleasant. "I sensed this ancestral memory when I melded with the Thorian."
"I need that knowledge to stop Saren." Now I'm the one looking down the hole and maybe wishing I had let the Thorian live.
Shiala is quiet for a beat, and then her voice is softer, almost hesitant, when she says, "There is a way. I can transfer the knowledge from my mind to yours, as I did with Saren."
"Commander, I'm not sure that's a good idea," Kaidan interrupts. "She did work for Saren, we can't entirely trust her."
"I understand," Shiala assures me when I look at her.
Kaidan has a point. I don't know this person and her clones were trying to kill us not ten minutes ago. All of this could have been fed to her by Saren, and if I let her into my mind...what if she can start the indoctrination on me? If that's as powerful as it sounds, I could destroy everything.
I could hurt people I care about.
Garrus crosses my mind yet again, and I find myself desperate for his council. I can't ask Kaidan or Ashley, they can't be objective - not when it comes to aliens or to me. "Stay here; I'll be right back." I say it to all three of them but have to give Kaidan a hard look to keep him from following me like a stray dog.
With a little privacy, I use my Omni-Tool to establish comms directly with Garrus, and he answers quickly. "Shepard? Are you OK?"
I curse myself and should have realized he would panic knowing I'm on a mission.
"Yes, yeah, we're fine. I just...I need some advice." Garrus is quiet, and I know it's to listen with no judgment that I need help - a rare thing in men, and especially soldiers. I give him a brief rundown of the day and the situation, explain the Thorian, and that an Asari who popped out of the dead plant might actually be able to help me understand the beacon. I don't have to explain the risks.
"The Geth attacks on the colony started almost two weeks ago, right? And the Asari didn't know Benezia was dead?"
"Yes, and I don't think so. Not from the way she's talking about her."
"So, she's been with the plant for at least those two weeks - since before Saren sent the Geth after it. It's unlikely Saren could have prepared her for this eventuality, Shepard. He wasn't prepared for anything that's happened the last two weeks; Saren expected to win quickly."
"True," I concede, remembering how cocky Saren has always been.
"But you're anxious he'll indoctrinate you directly, and you won't even notice it." I hate that he can read my mind as much as I love it. "Benezia said it was the ship, not Saren - remember? Saren is just a Turian, he has no mind control skills. He's not even biotic."
"Also true. He probably can't indoctrinate me indirectly and definitely not through an Asari. Damn, you're right. I can't miss this opportunity."
"You won't have to. Although you can tell me that I'm right again if you want." I laugh without meaning to and take in the warm feeling that I get when his melted chocolate voice washes over me.
"I...thank you, Garrus. I needed advice from someone I trust."
I hear the Turian's breath catch on the other end, and it pains me to think that it surprises me. He should know that I trust him, I adore him, I…
He'd know all of that if I just told him.
"Glad to help. We'll see you back on the Normandy soon, Commander." With another professional brush-off, Garrus is gone.
I can't deal with my guilt right now, so I head back to the squad and Shiala to finish up our work. The joining to get the Cipher is extremely odd. It's not nearly as rough feeling in my head as the beacon vision, more like someone flipping through an album of pictures than smashing clips of vids into my head by force.
When it's done, I know everything that I've seen, but I find myself unable to think of anything specific or talk about them yet. I can't ask questions or even conjure an image, though I know they're there.
"Are you alright, Shepard?" Ashley asks, drawing me from a haze. "What did she do?"
"I saw...something. I'm still not sure it makes any sense," I admit.
"You have been given a great gift - the experience of an entire people," Shiala notes, looking a little pale herself. "It will take time for your mind to process this information."
Kaidan steps close and rests a hand on my shoulder. Part of me wants to move it, and the other part wishes I wanted to lean into him. "You look a little queasy, Shepard. We should get you back to the ship." I nod, definitely eager to lie down.
"I am sorry if you have suffered," Shiala offers kindly. "There was just no other way. Saren must be stopped, so you needed the Cipher. In time, it will help you understand the beacon's vision."
I thank her for helping us, grateful that we've finally come across someone with facts and tools to help us fight Saren. "Shepard...what are we gonna do with her?" Ashley asks.
"If you allow it, I would like to stay here and help the colonists." I think she can see my surprise at her answer on my face. After what she's been through, I thought she'd want to get the hell away from here. "They have suffered greatly, and I played a role in that suffering. I would like to make amends."
I nod, impressed with her. "The colonists will need all the help they can get; they'll be grateful to have you on their side."
We say our goodbyes and finally head back toward the Normandy, off this planet now that Geth are gone and the colonists are free. It's been a long day, and I don't miss that Ashley and Kaidan are walking closer to me than normal like they think I might pass out.
I'm fighting a rapidly building headache, but the day isn't over yet, so I call the crew to the Comm Room for a debrief and get there first, still in my armor. Garrus arrives pretty quickly, and I avoid his eyes when I know that he's giving me a once over for injuries. He doesn't say anything and doesn't sit close to me.
God, I so badly want to go to sleep and forget today.
"Commander." Liara's lilting voice draws my attention. "You look pale. Are you suffering any ill effects from the Cipher?"
"It shook me up a bit," I admit, rubbing my forehead. Frankly, I feel like I could vomit or pass out right here, but I'm not about to tell everyone that.
"I know that you have been through a lot today, but I might be able to help," the Asari presses. "I have a great deal of Prothean knowledge. If I join my consciousness to yours, maybe we make some sense of it - faster than might happen normally."
I take a breath, not looking forward to yet another mind fuck today but aware that we're already low on time. "Do it," I tell her, standing and meeting her in the middle of the room.
It feels weird to have everyone watching now that I know this is basically Asari sex, even if we're clothed, and it's for a purpose.
I do notice that Garrus isn't watching very intentionally just before we begin.
Images flash rapidly through my mind, the same images I've seen over and over since the beacon. So much death, pain, and horror in what I can feel more than what I can see. I'm released from it suddenly and have to reach out to catch Liara as she sways in front of me.
"That was...incredible," she breathes. "All this time, all my research, I never dreamed…" She looks up at me in awe; I hate that expression. "I'm sorry. The images were so vivid. I never imagined the experience would be so intense."
"Yeah, I don't recommend it twice," I drawl, my head outright pounding now.
"Commander, you are remarkably strong-willed," Liara informs me, surprising me. "What you have been through, what you've seen would have destroyed a lesser mind." It kind of feels like my mind is being destroyed as we speak, but I don't tell her that.
"Let's just get to the point. Did you see anything that could help us?" I feel bad rushing her, but I also feel sicker by the second, and I don't want to pass out right here.
"The beacon on Eden Prime must have been badly damaged," she tells all of us. "Large parts of the vision are missing. The data transferred into your mind is incomplete."
I take a breath through my nose and try not to get frustrated. "Are you sure you didn't come across anything that could help - a clue or hint, even something small?"
Liara shakes her head and looks sad. "Everything I saw you already know. You were right about the Reapers; the Protheans were destroyed by a race of sentient machines." It honestly feels like a small win just to hear someone say that I'm right about that instead of calling me crazy. "I think it's obvious that there is a connection between the Reapers, the Protheans, and the Conduit. But I didn't see anything that would help us find it."
"Well, let's just hope that Saren doesn't have the missing information either." There's not much more to say, and Liara looks pretty exhausted now, too, so I release them all.
"I've sent off the Feros report, Commander," Joker tells me. "You want me to patch you through to the Council now or later?"
"Let's get it over with, Joker."
He confirms, and then the three Councilors appear in hologram form in front of me. "Commander," Tevos begins, her voice pretty upbeat all things considered. "ExoGeni should have told us about the Thorian. It would have made your job much easier."
"There are many things that could make my job easier," I inform them, keeping my voice dry because I don't care if they notice right now. I'm exhausted.
"Yes, well. You might have been able to capture it for study instead of destroying it," Valern adds, blinking wet Salarian eyes at me.
"The Thorian was enslaving people's minds. Chances are that anyone who studied it would have ended up in its thrall," I remind them.
Tevos nods. "Perhaps it is for the best then. At least the colony is safe."
"Of course, it is." Sparatus could give me a run for my money in dry tones. "Shepard would go to any lengths to help a human colony."
I roll my eyes and try not to wince when the movement hurts like hell in my skull. "As much as I enjoy your Saren impression, Councilor, the colonists being human had nothing to do with it. I was asked to help them and I did."
"Admirable - both your actions and your ideals," Valern allows. I'm instantly waiting for the 'but', and I don't have to wait very long at all. "But sometimes Spectres have to make sacrifices. I hope you're willing to do that when the time comes."
I think that Tevos can sense my urge to dive through the comms and kill them because she quickly ends the call, and I'm free to get some quiet, some privacy. All I want is to lay down.
"Hey, Commander, did you still want to head back to the Citadel?" Joker calls in over the comms.
"Yes. We need to touch base with Admiral Kahoku," I confirm with him. I hate the thought of the news I have to deliver about his crew and wonder how many of the details I can leave out. Part of me still wishes I didn't know what happened to the rest of my crew on Akuze. A cold chill runs through me at the thought, and my head continues to pound violently as I go back to my quarters.
As much as I want some sleep, my thoughts are full of Garrus. I wouldn't have been able to make the choice to join with Shiala and get the Cipher today without going absolutely crazy if he hadn't helped. He knew what I needed to hear...honestly, what I needed to hear might have just been his voice.
I hated not having him on the squad today, both as a sniper and my friend. And more than anything, I hate feeling like I don't have him as a friend. Especially for such a stupid reason. The best person I know, probably my best friend, and he's falling for me...and I use that to keep him away.
I know the rule I added to our list about not falling in love was done for the sake of both of us and the mission. We can't afford the distraction.
Of course, I'm much more distracted now than I was when we were sleeping together. Probably because I'm completely crazy about him, and it makes me feel empty to think of losing him at all.
It's not enough for me to just be his friend; I miss everything else too much. I've never had the sort of trust and intimacy with anyone else that I do with Garrus, and I've known him for such a short period of time. When I think about the way things could evolve between us if they've been this good already...I'm half freaked out and half excited.
A ding at my door makes me jump a little, especially since I'm not even changed out of my armor yet. What could someone possibly need from me already? Kaidan seems almost shy as he comes into my quarters, and I realize that he's never actually been up here before.
"Hey, Kaidan. What's up?"
Kaidan is freshly showered, his hair still a little wet. I like his cologne and find that right now, it's kind of soothing my head. "I just wanted to come and check on you. You didn't look so good." He winces at his own words. "I mean, you looked good...just...you know."
I chuckle softly and assure him, "I know. And I appreciate it. I just need a shower and some rest."
"OK." Kaidan doesn't leave then, the way I anticipated he would. Instead, he comes closer and after a beat, takes my hands. He's never touched me outside of battle before, so I'm mostly too shocked to pull away. "Shepard...I like whatever is happening here. Between us. And I think you do, too."
Something knots in my gut, and not in a good way. "Oh. Oh, Kaidan, I - "
"Just let me say this, please." I really think it's better if he doesn't say any more, for both of us, but Kaidan barrels right on ahead. "In a different time and place, things could change between us. I want them to. But I think for the sake of the mission, we should be professional."
I open my mouth to speak but find that I'm too surprised and frankly a little too confused to find the words. I have no idea what Kaidan seems so convinced is happening between us. I'm suddenly hyper-aware that he's holding my hands and move to pull them away. "No, don't be upset," he begs.
"I'm...not. I just - "
There's no warning, no signal, I don't even see him coming. Very suddenly, Kaidan's lips are on mine. I consider pushing him away and then...then…
The smell of his cologne envelopes me, and my headache disappears, leaving me only with the cold ache in my chest from thoughts of Garrus. That and Kaidan's soft, warm lips against mine. He parts just a little and then kisses me again, gentler.
The second time, I let my lips meet his because I need to know if I can respond to him...to anyone else. I'm so lost in thought of forcing myself to feel for Kaidan and his lips that I don't have time to move away from him when I register the doors opening.
So that's how Garrus finds me, holding Kaidan's hands and kissing him.
My name dies in the Turian's mouth while something inside me dies at the look on his face. For an instant, Garrus' shoulders fall, and his mandibles drop slightly. It would be impossible to misinterpret the alien expression as one of pain.
It only lasts a second before he recovers. "Oh, I...sorry. Just...yeah." I'm not sure I've ever seen Garrus awkward before, but this hasty exit would be hard to call anything else.
I stare at the door for a moment after, my heart hurting with the knowledge that Garrus now knows how I felt when he left for Lorik's place. It's not good revenge. I hate hurting him.
Kaidan seems surprised when I pull my hands from his and step back. "Kaidan, that was a mistake. I think you should go."
"Right, that's what I was saying," he nods, even as I turn my back to him. I barely hear him go; I want him gone, I want to be alone, and I want Garrus all at the same time. It's all too much right now, especially with the headache from the visions and the weight of our mission.
Which is exactly why I didn't want anything to happen with Garrus and me anyway. It's too complicated. Too much at risk.
Every good thing in my life gets ruined. Garrus had the potential to be the best thing.
Maybe it's better to end it now before I...before I love him any more than I already do. Right now, I feel sick. If things go on...I'm not sure I could survive the ending.
"Garrus Vakarian."
I jump so hard that my hand spasms around the wrench, and it slips from my hand, smacking me right in the face. "Tali'Zorah, how did you learn to imitate my mother so effectively?"
The Quarian chucks a bit, but I don't think she's smiling by the time I pull myself out from under the Mako, rubbing the rapidly forming bruise on my forehead. "What are you doing down here?"
"Injuring myself, obviously." It hurts even more when I sit up, but I pull myself to my feet.
Tali has herself built up to her entire just-barely-five-feet in length, hands planted firmly on her hips. I'm sure she's glaring at me from behind the helmet. "What did I do?" I ask her.
"It's what you haven't done - what you're not doing. Why are you tinkering with this stupid vehicle instead of going upstairs to see Shepard?"
I mock offense and reach a hand back to caress the side of the Mako. "She can hear you, Tali!"
Wrex snorts in laughter from the other side of the garage, and Tali whirls around to give him a masked glare, too. "Don't look at me like that, Quarian. I'm on your side. Vakarian is an ass."
"Enough." I glance around to double-check that Ashley Williams isn't down here. "I'm not going up to see Shepard. She's a big girl, and I wasn't even on the damn mission."
"Oh, please," Tali scoffs. "Try not to sound like such a child when you whine." Wrex explodes in laughter, and even though I know it is childish, I turn my back to them. "Garrus, it was a long day and a tough mission. Shepard would want you up there; she debriefs with you after every mission."
"Hey, pretty boy, don't Turians have a quad?" Wrex demands, still choosing to shout from across the garage. "Use at least one of your balls to get the hell upstairs and claim your female."
"Wrex!" Tali snaps, saving me from having to respond to either of them when they start to argue about whether women should be claimed.
I escape at least to the other side of the Mako and lean against it, trying to pretend that my stomach isn't in knots.
I've been dying to go upstairs and check on Shepard since the ground squad returned to the Normandy. I read the mission report, and I hate not knowing for myself how she is now. They watched colonists get turned into zombies by a mind-controlling plant that was lashing out because Saren betrayed it. I didn't hear her conversation with the Council after, but based on recent history, they were assholes and made Shepard feel even worse.
I want to support her. Shepard's my friend. I know that after missions, she likes to get out of her armor as quickly as possible. I know that she'll get into the smallest position she can, sitting with her feet curled up under her on one of her chairs. She listens to music, she reads, she snacks...she talks to me.
Damn it. I should be up there. If she needs a friend, I should be a friend.
Shepard called me on the mission when she needed a little advice. I was planning on keeping my distance from her, but it scared the hell out of me to get that call when she was off-ship; a million possible scenarios rushed through my mind, and I was halfway to my rifle when I answered.
Even though I've been keeping my distance and I know that it's been annoying her, that she kind of wanted to smack me this morning, she reached out. And I should do the same.
"Where are you going?" Tali calls from behind me when she spots me headed for the elevator.
"I'm either going to Shepard's quarters to talk to her," I begin, grateful the damn thing is already here so that I don't have to wait a century for it to arrive. "Or I'm going to get told off, in which case I'll be back with a bottle of Ryncol, and I expect both of you to get hammered with me."
"Done," Wrex promises.
"Deal," Tali offers, bouncing happily on the balls of her feet. I really hope I don't need to get them drunk; I'm not sure there's enough liquor on the ship to get Wrex trashed.
Mess Hall is empty, and Shepard's doors are closed but unlocked. I feel a pang of guilt when I wonder if she's been expecting me, and I've kept her waiting. Maybe it has nothing to do with me.
Maybe I should just find my quad and walk through the damn door.
I step forward, and the doors swish open, welcoming me to the familiar space while I quickly try to come up with an apology or an excuse or something. She knows I've been a dick because I'm falling in love with her; it can't get much worse from here.
I'm damn glad that I walk in with my head up so that I don't get far enough inside to risk vomiting on the floor when my stomach plummets right into my shoes. Shepard and Alenko turn their heads toward me at the same time, hands still entwined, and his lips little a little wet from hers.
I have to look away from his mouth before they can see the knife twisting in my chest.
"Oh, I...sorry. Just...yeah."
Fuck. I hate being awkward, but there's really no good way to leave after watching Shepard kiss someone else.
The elevator crawls back down to the garage, and my chest aches more and more by the moment. My heart thumps, and my throat feels so tight I can barely breathe. Tali and Wrex are still here, Ashley now too. Wrex is cleaning his rifle...it's a nightly ritual, something comforting that he picked up from me and that we've done together almost every night. They're both obviously waiting for me.
"Oh, Garrus." Tali's voice is low, and the pity in her tone makes me want to airlock myself.
"Ryncol?" Wrex asks. It's a kind gesture, I know, but company is the last thing I want.
"Not worth it."
Shepard kissed Alenko. I fucked Lorik. There are at least two nails in this coffin, and clearly, whatever happened between us before is over now. All I can do is hope that there's a friendship to salvage.
Yeah, because I really want to be friends with Kaidan Alenkos' girlfriend.
I screwed all of this up. Falling in love with Elle Shepard has been probably the biggest mistake I've ever made. It cost me one of the best friendships I've ever had...and now it's cost me all of my dignity.
I get back to work, under the Mako. It's the one thing that I have to offer Shepard at this point.
