Late Happy New Year and Happy Holidays! I hope you were all able to surround yourselves with loved ones and good times.
As always, thank you beyond comprehension to my beautiful reviewers - I would have stopped writing years ago if it weren't for you.
Chapter 18 - settling like dust
I look at the dishevelled girl, unable to help my nose crinkling up in disgust. There's dirt on her face and her hair might be brown but it also might be full of mud, and I can smell her from where I stand, at least five feet away. She hasn't even hit puberty yet.
"You've got to be joking," I say before I can stop myself, and turn to face Itachi. His face is impassive; a blank slate.
"No, I'm not. You're one of our best men. We need more like you. So we need you to train them to be like you." He folds his arms and calmly leans back into the chair. "So train her."
I turn back to the girl… thing. "She looks half dead. I don't think she'll survive the first day."
"And you think you looked any different when you first came to us? You were more dead than alive when we got you, and we didn't think you would survive. But you did, and here you are. If she dies then that's it. We'll get you a new one. No one will miss her."
The girl – Matsuri – is shaking from head to toe, quaking like a bug under a microscope. Her arms are wrapped like a vice around her skeletal frame, and her bulbous brown eyes are darting around the room.
I know I can't refuse. It's an order from Itachi. To refuse would be to basically sign my own death warrant, and I desperately don't want that. I've worked too hard to get here.
I sigh, forcing my pride out of my body with the motion, and bow to Itachi. "Thank you for this opportunity," I say, then walk out of the room, Matsuri hobbling along in my wake.
The ride back to the Hyuuga building is quiet and tense. The guards around me jittery with unguarded nerves, waiting for the next attack, and I wonder if this is the first time they've ever been in this situation.
They're going to have to get used to plenty more like it, with the presumed war coming in a few months.
I take a deep breath, working to get my head clear. What just happened shouldn't affect me as much as it is. I've killed before, I've even killed other Uchiha workers before, so what about this could be different?
I realise quickly that it isn't even the killing that does bother me. Nor is it the fact that I basically ordered that man's death – that's a whole other set of emotions that I have no intention of dealing with at all, ever.
I can't get Hinata out of my head. How wrong it felt to have her there in the first place, knowing that she was only a foot away from the bullet that hit Tenten. Knowing that I'd ordered that bullet to be there. I had put her in danger, and something about that feels uncomfortable.
I shake my head and get a hold of myself. That's a dangerous thought to follow, one that could get me in a lot of trouble. Hinata is going to die. Hinata has to die. And I have to kill her. That is not negotiable.
But still, I can't get the fear in her eyes out of my head. The way she desperately reached for Tenten, screaming to help her, despite the danger it would put her in. I wonder what it must be like to care for someone that much – to have someone care about me that much. The Uchiha have never cared about me, per se. They cared about my skills and my abilities and my anonymity, but never about me specifically. And if I've ever cared about someone that much then I certainly can't remember it. Unless I count Matsuri, but I don't. Matsuri is dead and gone and buried, and it doesn't do to dwell on things I can't change.
From the age of twelve my life has been white walls and training and pain and death. Attachments don't work very well in that environment. You get stronger or you die, it's that simple. And if I had a life before that, I don't remember it.
We arrive at the Hyuuga building, and two of the guards drag the body of the would-be assassin from the car. I look at his face one last time, and I don't recognise him. Even if I did, it wouldn't make a difference. He's just another nameless, faceless Uchiha worker, condemned to die.
I wonder if that's how I'll look, in death. I wonder if anyone will mourn for me. I shake my head again, trying in vain to dispel the stupid, pointless thoughts. Who cares if anyone will mourn me. I won't – I'll be too dead to care.
Walking into the Hyuuga building, I can see immediately that everyone's on alert. The dozens of guards in the lobby are all standing at attention, fingers fluttering over their guns, waiting for an excuse to use them. The body of the would-be assassin is taken somewhere I don't see, and I approach Lee at the front desk. He sends me up without a word, unusually reserved for someone so determinedly upbeat, and I get into the elevator when it arrives, too consumed by my own thoughts to bother annoying the two guards in the lift.
The doors open on the 78th floor and I stagger out, blinking in the unnatural light of the hallway. Focus, Gaara. You don't have time to be distracted. I forcefully lock all of my meddlesome thoughts in a box at the back of my brain, refusing to look at them any longer. Taking a deep breath, with my head finally free of that irritating buzzing, I walk along the hallway toward the living room, removing my bullet-proof vest as I go. One of the guards in the hallway picks it up and takes it into the training room.
Hinata's sitting on the couch, Neji sitting on the seat opposite her. A slight tremor is running down her spine, and her arms are clutched like safety around her middle. Though she's no longer crying, the redness around her eyes betrays the recent occupation of tears. Something sparks in my gut at that, but I swallow it down.
She notices me after I'm two steps in to the kitchen, and she chokes out, "Gaara!" The sound is strangled and full of worries floating like oil on the surface, but then she's off the couch and running at me. Before I can react, she's wound her arms around me and buried her face in my chest, sobs wracking their way up her throat. "I was so worried," she whispers to me, and I see that Neji has risen from the couch and is also walking toward me.
My mind has gone blank. My heart feels like it's stopped beating, and my blood has frozen in my veins. She still hasn't let me go, though I have made no move to return the hug, and honestly I'm not sure I know how. Hinata has been the only person I know of to ever hug me.
But this hug is different to the one she gave me in the lobby the other week: this one is desperate, clutching, like she can stop everything from falling apart if she holds me tighter, and I can feel her tears disintegrate through my shirt. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I was so stupid, leaving here just to go to the library. I could've gotten us all killed, and for what? A few hours outside?" She takes a deep, wracking breath, and when she starts speaking again her voice is a little quieter, wavering like a moth near a flame. "We got word from the hospital that Tenten's made it and she's going to be okay," Hinata continues, still not letting me go, "but we hadn't heard anything from you. You could've been killed, I was going crazy, and Neji wouldn't let me leave to find out."
My heart drops into my stomach at the revelation that she was worried… about me. No one has ever worried about me before. No one has ever cared enough to worry about me. I awkwardly pat her on the back, unsure of how to proceed, and look to Neji for some form of help.
"Um…" I say awkwardly, more uncomfortable than I've ever been in my life. I've been in a lot of situations, but this one is completely new. "I'm… I'm okay. There was only one shooter, so once I got him everything was fine. You don't need to worry, I can handle myself."
She sobs out an almost hysterical giggle at that, but still doesn't let go. "I know you can, but still. I was still worried."
I've run out of words to use, and silently implore Neji with my eyes, and I know that if he wasn't coming off the back of such a serious situation he'd probably be enjoying my struggle.
"You're being irrational, Hinata," says Neji, his voice deadpan. "Just because you hadn't heard an update from Gaara specifically, doesn't mean you didn't know anything. I was giving you updates as soon as I received them."
Hinata finally lets me go, wiping her eyes as if she were smearing a mask back on. "Of course I'm being irrational, Neji," she says, venom dancing on the peripherals of her voice. "I don't know if you remember, but Tenten could've died today because I wanted to go to the library. Or that I nearly died just over two weeks ago, and again three weeks ago. Excuse me for being scared that I could lose someone important to me. Especially since we've been targeted ever since we moved to this damn city in the first place! I know why father moved us here, but ever since Hanabi… he hasn't been right since Hanabi died. I wish we'd never come here. He cares more about forgetting Hanabi than he does about me, and I'm so tired of living like this all the time. I can barely even look at a light switch without wanting to panic. It's exhausting!"
The name Hanabi rings a bell, and I remember that she is supposed to have a younger sister. She mentioned her a few times in the week that I was stalking her.
I'm going to go visit Hanabi tomorrow.
It's Hanabi's birthday soon, what should I get her?
I wish Hanabi could see my performance, I think she'd be really proud of how much her big sister has improved.
I'd assumed from those snippets that Hanabi was alive and well, just living somewhere distant. It never occurred to me that she's dead. I look at Hinata and can't help but wonder what happened to her. How did she die? And why does that have anything to do with why they're in Konoha? My eyes fall on Neji, and he looks more furious than I've ever seen him.
"If I remember?" he spits at her, eyes narrowed, and I can tell that Hinata knows she's crossed a line. "If?" His voice is a hiss, poison injected into every sound. "How can I forget? Who was it, who stitched your temple back together after you were shot, huh? Who held you when the sound of every car horn made you scream when you got home that day? You think I didn't want to go back and help Tenten after she was shot? You think it didn't take every ounce of self-control I possess to keep herding you back to the car instead of going back and helping her? You watched me hang every single one of these fucking curtains just so that you could sleep at night. I hired two hundred new guards after you were attacked and I did the background check on every single one of them. You've got to be fucking joking me, Hinata. I've given up my life just to keep you safe and you say that bullshit to me? Fuck off. Fuck you, Hinata. Fuck you."
He stalks back to the couch and sits on it, running a shaking hand through his hair. Hinata looks shell-shocked. Her arms are clasped around her middle again and she's shaking like a leaf in a hurricane. Slowly, silently, she makes her way towards her room and shuts the door behind her.
I feel like I've intruded on something deeply private, and the other guard in the kitchen looks equally uncomfortable. I desperately want to leave – the tension in the room is giving me goose bumps – but I also know that Neji will want to know all the details of what happened after he left the library, and I could get into some deep shit if I leave before filling him in.
I take a deep breath, steeling myself, and walk over to the couch. Neji will either thank me or cut my head off for the intrusion, and I figure that's a win-win either way.
He doesn't look at me as I sit down, but I expect little else. Instead, I take a deep breath again and tell him everything that happened after he got Hinata to safety. "After I killed the attacker I ordered two of the guards left to take Tenten to the spare car and take her to hospital. The rest I ordered into three groups of two. One scoured the building on the eastern side, one the building to the west, and one the library in the north. I approached the attacker to make sure he was dead and that he didn't have a bomb or anything on him, and when it was clear to me that he was dead and had no other weapons on him I stayed by the body until the men had finished their search. When they did they told me he was alone, which I had already figured because no other bullets had been fired. We brought the body back here for examination, and that's everything."
I watch him to gauge his reaction, but he gives nothing away.
"Do you think he was the Demon?" Neji finally asks, doubt in his voice.
"If that was the Demon we'd all be dead," I say, completely confident. And it's true. If it were me on that rooftop then Hinata, Neji, Tenten, and all of the guards would be carrying a bullet in their brain now.
Neji nods, as if I'd confirmed his thoughts. "Do you think it was the Uchiha?" he asks, more confidence in his voice now.
"Who else could it be?" I ask back. "Unless the Hyuuga has other enemies in Konoha that I don't know about?"
Neji shakes his head in exasperation then sighs, running his hand through his hair again. "The Hyuuga have enemies everywhere. But only the Uchiha would be so bold as to attack us in broad daylight. And only because they have the police in their pockets, so they won't face any repercussions. But what I can't figure out is why they only sent one gunman, and why they would send a gunman who couldn't even hit the person he was aiming for, and honestly, I'm not even sure he was aiming for Hinata. He hit Tenten twice, and he must have realised after the first hit that she wasn't Hinata. Why would he keep aiming for her? This makes no sense to me. Last time they sent the Demon after her. And he only missed because her light switch gave her an electric shock. This guy didn't even seem to try to hit Hinata. It feels wrong. It feels like I'm missing something."
I shrug, pretending to be lost in thought. "Maybe the Demon is busy on another assignment?" I suggest, not exactly lying. "Maybe they were just trying to scare you. Maybe it was a lone gunman trying to impress the Uchiha. Maybe they bit off more than they could chew and thought they could wipe out all of Hinata's guards in one go. I don't know. But what I do know is that Tenten is out of action now. She's your second-in-command. What are you going to do about that? Does Hiashi have someone else he could send out?"
Neji finally looks at me, thoughts swimming like ghosts in the white of his eyes. "None that he can spare. After this attack he has gone into hiding. Only a few of us knew his previous location anyway, but after this latest attack it's proven that the Uchiha have become bold and reckless. He's gone somewhere where he can run our organisation without putting himself in danger."
"Then why doesn't he take Hinata with him?" I question, confused. "Surely if this place is so safe he could make room for his heir."
But Neji is shaking his head again. "No, he won't do that. Hinata is his heir, but only because he has no other choice."
My confusion must read plain as day on my face, because he looks away again and rubs his face with his hand. "Hinata only became Hiashi's heir last year after her younger sister, Hanabi, was killed." I stay silent, waiting for him to continue, feeling in my bones that the following information is too important to miss. "It was a car crash. A head-on collision. A drunk driver, and as we later found out, a spy for the Uchiha. She wasn't hugely important, but her presence in our hometown revealed to us that the Uchiha were planning on expanding into our territory. Hiashi decided to attack first, not only to avenge Hanabi, but to show the Uchiha our strength.
"Something in Hiashi broke the night Hanabi died. He was closer to her than he has ever been to Hinata – she reminds him too much of her mother. She's gentle and kind and she doesn't like violence if she can help it. She's a good fighter, and she's driven, but not to the extent that Hanabi was. Hanabi wanted this. She was born to lead the Hyuuga. She was a prodigy, you have no idea. Hinata wants to do right by her father, but she doesn't want to do it in the way he wants. I think Hiashi feels like the Hyuuga died with Hanabi. He does love Hinata, but Hanabi was everything to him. He cares about avenging Hanabi – keeping Hinata safe falls to me."
My face betrays nothing of the tempest of tumultuous thoughts raging in my head. I'm in the upper cadre of the Uchiha, and I knew nothing of this. I wonder if Itachi knows, and then mentally slap myself. Of course Itachi knows. Itachi is next in line to the Uchiha throne. Hell, he may have even orchestrated Hanabi's death – it wouldn't surprise me if he had. But still. I can't believe I didn't investigate Hanabi further when I was stalking Hinata all those weeks ago. That was a moronic slip up on my part.
"Okay," I say, my voice miraculously even. "So what are you going to do about this?"
Neji is looking at Hinata's door, his brow furrowed in thought. "Until Tenten gets back, I'm going to need you to take over her duties. You're good with weapons, and Hinata needs someone with her basically at all times, and sometimes I have other shit I need to do. And she actually trusts you, so that's a bonus. I'll avoid leaving you in charge where possible, but be prepared that it might happen. I don't know how long Tenten will be out of action – the bullets damaged the muscles and tendons in her shoulder, and she won't be able to lift a weapon until she's fully healed."
I lean back in the chair, as if contemplating the offer. "Will I get a pay rise?" I ask, in keeping with my character.
Neji rolls his eyes. "You'll get a dollar extra an hour. But you'll need to stay in the building basically around the clock, in case of an emergency – yes, even when you're not on shift. Because with Hinata, you're always on shift. I'll take you through the ropes later. This conversation isn't over, I need to talk to you more about this attack. But right now I need to talk to Hinata."
I watch as he stands, stretching his shoulders and back until it pops, and then slowly walks into Hinata's room, locking the door behind him.
This chapter took a while to write, so I'm hoping that the writers block hasn't gone back up. I really want to keep writing this - I really want to finish this story. We'll see how it goes. Reviews always work wonders. Nothing gets me writing more than knowing there's people who want me to write, and it's hard to know whether people actually want that without hearing from you. Your thoughts are precious to me.
Thank you for reading, please leave a review.
Lots of love, Alia xoxo
