Don't mind me, just here to drop off a new chapter… just grabbing that spark of inspiration as it tries to sneak by.
Indescribable thanks to my beautiful reviewers, you make everything wonderful. Sending love and kisses and a new chapter xx
Chapter 19 – enlighten, enliven
I hear the whip crack through the air moments before it touches my skin. I don't feel the pain at first – just a strange, tearing, tugging sensation against my flesh. And then it hits – flames crawling like bugs through the new tear.
"Be careful," says a voice as I swallow down the scream. "We don't want to scar him. Don't go so deep."
Sweat beads on my brow and I remember to take a breath. It's just training. If torture is normal then it won't break you. Pain is easy when it's consistent.
I feel the air shift as the whip slices through it again, gouging cracks in my skin. I can feel the blood running over my back, and my knees shake. I can't scream. I won't scream. Screaming is weakness and weakness isn't tolerated and those who aren't tolerated die. I can't die. Not now.
"Have you had enough?" asks the voice, and I turn slightly to see the woman staring back at me, clipboard in hand.
I take a breath, control the shaking in my knees, clench my hands until the nails break the skin in half-moon cuts. "Not unless you think I have, ma'am," I reply, keeping my voice as steady as possible. Remember to breathe. In, out, in, out.
She nods. "Not yet, then." I brace for the next hit, and bite my tongue when it does, lodging the scream in my throat.
As it has the past four nights in a row, Hinata's screams wake me.
I jerk up, blinking sleep from my eyes, and realise I've fallen asleep on the couch again. From the other side of the door, I can hear her fighting, panicking, obviously still half asleep. She shrieks nonsense, words like Demon and Tenten and Don't and Sorry slipping through the jargon until Neji's soothing voice breaks through the hysteria.
Tenten wasn't kidding about Hinata's nightmares – they're bad. Intense.
Bad enough that I feel sorry for her, which isn't something I should be feeling for anyone. Especially not someone I'll be killing in eight days.
The thought sends knots into my stomach for an unfathomable reason. Something almost like anxiety or apprehension, which is ridiculous. Honestly, I'm saving her from a worse fate. The Uchiha would torture her if they were to get their hands on her. I'll be quick. If nothing else, I don't want her to feel pain. She doesn't deserve that.
Her screams have quietened into sobs, and I can hear Neji comforting her, mumbling nonsense under his breath like he does every night. The watch on my wrist shows that it's just after three in the morning, and I rub the sleep from my eyes. I need to start thinking about how I'm going to kill her.
Obviously a gun won't work. Too messy, too loud. Neji would have me pinned before the gun would be half way out of its holster. And even if I did try to take him and Hinata on, and somehow win, I'd then have the entire fucking building to contend with. Over two-hundred guards. I'm good, but I'm not that good.
I could try a knife, but again, I'd have to get close enough to her. It'd be quieter, but still messy. And somehow I don't think Neji would miss the giant pool of blood that would likely flood out of her body.
Yeah, knife is out of the question.
So I somehow need to kill Hinata without anyone noticing and then get out of the building. Sure. Easy. Simple. No problem.
I am so screwed.
The door opens and Neji leaves the room, shutting the door behind him.
"She alright?" I ask, not quite nailing the indifference.
"As well as she'll ever be," he replies, walking towards the kitchen. I follow him, keeping my distance.
"What was it this time?" I question. As he steps into the kitchenette I look over my shoulder, back at her room. To the dark-coloured door that closes Hinata away from the rest of the world. I wonder if she's fallen back asleep, or if she's curled up in a ball, fighting to keep the monsters out of her head and out of her home.
"Same old," Neji sighs, turning the kettle on. "She's not functioning anymore. You've seen her the last few days. She barely leaves her room. She won't train, she won't eat, she won't sleep. What happened to Tenten really shook her. She says her dreams are full of smoke and screams. I don't know what else to do." He looks lost for a second, then busies himself making tea. "Have you thought any more on that? On the attack at the library, I mean. I keep trying to think of answers, but every idea is more impossible than the last."
I shake my head, managing to look glum. "I can't think of why Tenten was targeted beyond someone trying to take out her guards, which is ridiculous to me. They had everything going for them – a good shot, the element of surprise, perfect conditions. It makes no sense that Tenten was targeted and not Hinata. Beyond someone trying to get the Uchiha's attention, I honestly don't know. Even if they weren't sure who was who, they must have realised after the first shot. To go for her a second time? I can't think of why they did that."
Tenten is still in hospital, recovering slowly but well. They've managed to get the bullets out of her arm and she's gradually gaining mobility, but it's a long process. The gunman did their job well.
"Well no one will be thinking of anything until Hinata starts getting more sleep," says Neji as he goes about making tea. "This is the third time tonight she's woken up. The nightmares are getting worse. I'm exhausted, she's exhausted, everyone here is."
"It's not like you can turn her brain off," I say, exasperated.
"No," he hesitates, looking like he's warring with himself. He closes his eyes, brows furrowing, and seems to make up his mind. "No, I can't. But I can give her sleeping pills and hope for the best." He reaches back into the deep crevices of one of the cupboards and pulls out a small bag with maybe a dozen pills in it. "I got these a while ago," he explains, looking at them with a hint of disgust on his face. I'm incredulous, and realise just how desperate he must be. Neji would never lightly give Hinata a pill of any kind. "Just after she was shot and the nightmares really started. I didn't want to use them because, honestly, it's too easy to poison her with them. But this is too much. We all need rest, otherwise none of us will be ready if an attack comes. We'll all be better for it." He sounds like he's trying to convince himself. He takes out one of the pills and carefully snaps it in half. One half he puts back in the bag, and the other he crushes into a fine powder, pinching it into the tea.
I feel like, if there's a god, it's finally started smiling at me.
"Back to your post, Gaara," he says, putting the pills securely in the cupboard. "I'll see you in the morning." He cradles the tea in both hands and walks back to Hinata's room, something like defeat flitting through his eyes.
I wait until the door is closed before releasing my breath in relief. Finally, I know how I'll do it. I know how I'll kill her. And it won't hurt her and no one will know until it's too late. If a half of one of those pills is enough to make her fall asleep, then it shouldn't take too many more to make sure she never wakes up. If she takes half a pill every night between now and then – which I doubt Neji would allow, being more paranoid than a fly in a spider's web – then I'll have eight pills left when the time comes. Probably more, knowing Neji. That should be more than enough to kill her.
Ignoring the feeling in my gut, the one that has been growing more persistent ever since the library, I sit back down on the couch and fall back asleep within seconds, a smile tugging at my lips and dread sitting in my stomach.
When I next wake it's after nine in the morning. My head has been lolling at an awkward angle and I have a cramp in my neck, my hand automatically coming up to clutch it the moment the muscle shrieks in pain.
"Didn't sleep well, huh?" Hinata's nervous voice penetrates the fog and I realise she's sitting opposite me, another cup of tea nestled in her hands.
"I slept fine," I hiss, trying to work out the kink. "I woke bad." I manage to angle my head in such a way as to get a good look at her. There's shadows in her eyes and worry in her brow, but she looks more human now than she has before. More awake. More alert. "Did you sleep okay?" I ask, slowly gaining more mobility in my neck.
She nods a little before she answers. "Yeah, I got a few hours after Neji drugged me."
There's no emotion in her voice, like she's going through the motions of conversing without actually putting any thought into it.
It's like she's already died, and it just feels wrong. She's always been so full of life – smiling and screaming and laughing and fighting and crying and alive. The fireworks in her eyes have been extinguished. I can't reconcile this Hinata with that one.
"Are you doing okay?" I question, finding my concern genuine.
"I'll give you one guess," she says, her voice a monotone. She finishes her tea and looks forlornly into her cup, as if unsure what to do with it.
"Go take a shower, Hinata." Neji emerges from the kitchenette, his own breakfast in his hands. "You'll feel better."
She nods again, then heads towards her room, empty tea cup left on the coffee table.
Neji watches her leave, then takes her place opposite me.
"What the fuck do I do?" He asks me once the water starts, not touching his food. "I'll honestly take anything at this point, I have no idea. I've suggested everything: movie nights, new music, games. She won't invite her friends over, she says she doesn't want them to get shot too. I've offered to teach her a new style of fighting, but what's the point? I just…"
"We could teach her to shoot," I say without thinking, the idea worming its way, fully formed into my head.
Neji glares at me. "Don't even fucking think -"
"No, listen," I interject, not caring about his pride. "Hinata has already said that she wants to learn. I bet you half the reason she's like this is because she feels useless. Twice the Uchiha have gone after her with guns – shot at her from a distance. The first time they were millimetres away from killing her and last time they almost killed Tenten. It's not like she can use her Aikido to stop a bullet mid-air. She feels vulnerable because she's only able to defend herself when it's up close, but none of the attacks have been up close. If she learns how to shoot she'll feel like she has a purpose again, like she can be useful and protect herself without having to rely on everyone else to put themselves in harms way to protect her. We can ask her at least! You and I could both shoot bullseyes with blindfolds on. I know how dangerous guns are, but if we're both teaching her, and Tenten when she gets back, she honestly couldn't be safer. It might help her feel like she has some control over herself again. Just ask her, at least."
To his credit, Neji looks like he's actually listened to my rant. I feel exhausted – I don't think I've ever talked so much in my life, but it was word-vomit. And it'll be for the greater good: the less stressed and threatened Hinata is, the less they'll be expecting an attack. Especially a subtle one.
A minute of silence goes by and I can see how bad Neji is warring with himself over this. His shoulders are so tense they're almost shaking and his knuckles are white. But eventually he slumps, realising I'm right.
"I'll ask her," he says, and I can hear himself hating the words as they leave his tongue. "But I don't like it and I'll never like it. But if it helps her get out of… whatever this is, I'll try it. But little guns only. Pistols, and the like. And if she agrees, then she is never to be in the room without me there."
I hold up my hands in defence. "I'm not trying to make any rules here. I'm just saying it's the only thing you haven't suggested that might actually work. Let's just ask her first and see what happens."
As if on cue, Hinata's door opens, her hair curled up in a towel. "Ask me what?" she questions, looking like she couldn't care less.
Neji hesitates. "Gaara had a thought," he says, sounding like each word wounds him as it leaves. "Would you… would you be interested in learning how to shoot? To… to defend yourself further." His eyes are begging her to say no, discard the idea as she's evidently discarded every other one.
But instead, I can see the first spark of fireworks come back into her eyes. "I'd like that," she says quietly, gratitude in her voice. "I'd like that a lot."
I wish I could say another chapter will be up in like a week, but… I have exams in mid November and SO MUCH to do between now and then. But happy news for me is I got a High Distinction for an essay I recently handed in and my six year anniversary is very soon, which is wonderful. Also, hopefully I won't be moving again for a very long time, which is nice! (I've moved house ten times in five years… that's not an exaggeration). Anyway, I've babbled on long enough. I hope you enjoyed this set-up chapter. Let me know! Reviews are always welcome and wanted and appreciated, your thoughts and opinions are so wonderful to me.
Sending lots of love and hugs and happy Halloween! Alia xoxo
