June 19th, 2013 - 26 weeks pregnant
"Beth. Beth" Beth groggily tried to open her eyes. She could feel her shoulder being lightly shaken and heard Jack saying her name.
"Hey buddy, what are you doing awake? It's the middle of the night."
"I had a nightmare," he said softly. "Can I sleep with you?"
"Of course," Beth scooched over to Aaron's side of the bed and Jack climbed in next to her. "Do you want to talk about it?"
Jack shook his head no. "It was about mom."
"That's okay, Jack. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to."
Jack curled up next to her and Beth heard as his breath evened out and he was back asleep. She herself felt wide awake, she glanced at the alarm clock. It was not quite 2 AM and she had to go to work in the morning but her mind was spinning. She had made it a point to never ask Aaron about what happened to Haley, she wanted him to tell her on his own terms. Of course she knew the basics of the story; she had been murdered by a serial killer that the team was tracking, but that was it. She knew no details, she didn't know the extent of Jack's involvement, or if the killer was rotting in jail somewhere. As her relationship with Aaron had progressed she wanted to ask him but had never summoned the courage, and while Aaron spoke of Haley every so often, he never brought up her death willingly. Beth looked at the sleeping boy next to her and did what she promised herself she would never do; she googled Haley Hotchner.
Beth felt horribly guilty, but the more she read the more she felt like she couldn't stop. The Reaper. That's what he was called. He had murdered dozens of people and mutilated his own body just to toy with law enforcement. He was dead. Finally after clicking on every single article that she hoped would give her a shred of new information she set the phone down. She felt sick. Sick due to reading the gruesome details of Haley's killer and sick from the guilt that she now knew information that Aaron hadn't willingly given to her.
Beth curled up next to the boy and tried to rest but sleep didn't come easy and when it did it was fraught with dreams of the women she had only seen in pictures. Finally her alarm went off after a restless night.
"Come on, Jack. It's time to get ready for Aunt Jessie's."
Jack dragged himself out of bed and back into his room to change. Beth entered the bathroom to get into the shower and groaned at the dark circles under her eyes. She had a client meeting at 10 and she wasn't sure all the concealer in the world would hide them.
Beth took a selfie of her and Jack in the car and texted it to Hotch before she dropped him off at his Aunts.
*We miss and love you. Stay safe!*
Hotch had been gone to Atlanta on a case for over two nights now and she knew he was itching to get home. Beth was trying to brainstorm the best way to tell him about her newfound knowledge but was coming up empty. She kissed Jack goodbye and headed into work feeling tired and overwhelmed. Shortly before her meeting she got a text back.
*Headed home now. Can't wait to see you both. Will try and catch up on a bit of paperwork at the office but will be home before 5. Love you.*
Beth wasn't sure what to say so she just sent him a smiley face and heart emoji. She knew she was being irrational. Hotch would understand, wouldn't he? She couldn't be sure and the anxiety was making it hard to focus, she needed to get through her client meeting and then she would work from home for the rest of the day hoping she would be more productive there.
"Beth, I'm home!" She heard Aaron call from downstairs. She had been productive at home, just not with work. Her nervous energy had helped her catch up on the laundry, clean the bathrooms, and now she was putting a bookshelf together in the nursery. She glanced at her watch, it wasn't quite 4PM. He was home earlier than she had expected.
"I'm in the nursery!" She yelled back to him. She heard him come up the stairs.
"Hey," he said as he walked in. "I missed you."
Beth stood up to kiss him. "You're home early."
"Yeah, I wanted to be home before Jack. Jessie said she would drop him back off around 4. The team put in enough hours over the past couple days I figured we could sneak out a little early today."
"Hey, can I talk to you about something?" Beth tried to play it cool, as if it was no big deal, but she knew Aaron saw right through her.
"What's up?"
She looked at the floor. God this was embarrassing. "Jack slept in our bed with me the other night, he had a nightmare, but I couldn't fall back asleep. My mind was racing and I... I googled Haley."
"What do you mean?" Hotch seemed confused.
"I googled her and read about what happened. I'm so sorry, Aaron. My curiosity got the better of me. I'm sorry."
"Beth, I figured you had done that years ago."
Beth looked up from the floor. "What?"
"I just assumed you would have done it shortly after we started dating. I mean I figured any reasonable person would want to know what had happened. It was the only explanation I could think of for why you never asked me about it."
"No, I never did. Not until last night. I was curious, of course. But I wanted to know on your own terms and the longer you went without bringing it up the more I felt bad about asking."
"Beth, you're going to be my wife. You're the mother of my child and for all intents and purposes you're Jack's mom too. You are a part of this family and you shouldn't feel bad about asking me anything. I won't keep anything from you, I promise. Do you want to hear what happened? From my perspective?"
Beth just nodded feeling overwhelmed and relieved at the same time.
Hotch checked his watch. "Jack's bus will be here in just a few minutes. Let's talk after he goes to bed, okay?"
Beth nodded again and reached out to hug him. "I love you. I'm sorry I didn't just ask."
Jack came home and the evening passed peacefully. Hotch grilled burgers for them and Beth cut up watermelon and made potato salad. After dinner they settled on the couch and Hotch finished reading Order of the Phoenix aloud to them. Jack couldn't get enough of the series and they had fun watching the movies together as a family after finishing each of the books.
"Well Jack, what did you think?" Beth asked him.
"Sometimes I thought it was kind of confusing, but I really liked it. Professor Umbridge was really mean and I'm not sure why you would be a teacher if you're really mean."
"I'm not sure either, Jack." His dad agreed with him.
"I really liked Luna, she was super brave. I think if the baby is a girl we should name her Luna."
"You think so," Beth asked him. "What if we have a boy?"
"Hmm I'm not sure. But definitely Luna for a girl."
Hotch laughed. "We'll add it to the list, bud. Should we watch the movie this weekend?"
"Yes!" Jack yelled. Clearly excited about the idea.
"Jack I have to go into work in the morning but I have the afternoon off. I have to go see the midwife to check up on the baby. Do you want to come with me or do you want to stay with Aunt Jessie?"
"What do they do at the midwife?"
"Well usually they measure my belly to make sure the baby is growing, and they listen to the baby's heartbeat, and then they answer any questions I have."
"I want to go with you!"
"Sounds fun! I'll pick you up from Aunt Jessie's and we can get lunch before the appointment. But right now it's your bedtime so go put PJ's on, okay?"
Jack nodded and ran off to his room. Beth turned to Hotch.
"Is it strange that I actually really like the idea of Luna for a girl?"
Hotch laughed. "No, I like it too. Plus, she is kind of a badass."
"Luna Hotchner… It has a nice ring to it!"
Hotch kissed her then stood from the couch. "We'll put it at the top of the list. But right now we gotta get that hooligan in bed."
They both went in and kissed Jack goodnight.
"You'll be here in the morning, Dad?"
"Yeah bud, I'll be here in the morning. Sleep tight."
Hotch closed the door and started walking toward the kitchen. "Do you want something to drink?"
"Just water, thanks." Beth suddenly felt awkward. Their evening had been nice, normal. But now the conversation that had been looming was here.
Hotch got her a glass of water and poured himself a glass of bourbon. Beth stood at the island watching him. He picked up both the glasses and motioned toward the couch.
"Let's sit."
Beth followed him, still not saying anything. They sat down next to each other and Beth sat cross legged on the couch, turned to face Hotch. Hotch took a big swig of his drink.
"It was my first case as a senior BAU agent…"
Hotch started at the beginning. He told her every aspect of the case. Initially being sent away, being called back on Shaunessy's death bed to his confession, the killings that had started again. He told her what their theories were and how they came to discover that Foyet, a presumed victim, was in fact The Reaper. He then told her about how he slipped into his apartment and waited until he got home. How he stabbed him 9 times while taunting him, telling him to relax.
Beth tried to keep her facial expressions under control. She knew Hotch didn't want her pity, but she couldn't help herself. She reached out her hand and placed it on his abdomen, over the scars she had come to love and was now realizing how much he hated them. He took her hand and held it in his while he continued on.
Hotch told her his chilling realization in the hospital bed when he realized Foyet was planning on going after Jack and Haley. And the intense relief he felt when they were safely brought to the hospital before going into custody of the US Marshals. He expressed his heartbreak over not being able to see Jack for months and Beth couldn't imagine how he did it. Hotch hated when a case lasted more than two nights. Beth began to squeeze his hand as he recounted the day when Foyet tricked Haley into meeting him with Jack in the home they had shared as a family. She squeezed harder and harder until her fingers were turning white as he told her about the phone call, how Haley realized what was happening, that when she squeezed Jack "too tight" she knew it would be the last time she got to squeeze him at all. By the time Hotch told her he heard the shot that killed the mother of his child she had tears streaming down her face and his eyes were brimming with tears as well.
Beth released her grip on his hands and she felt the blood rush back into the tips of her fingers. She wrapped her arms around Hotch's shoulders and leaned in so her forehead was pressed against his temple. Hotch reached up and held onto the arm across his chest and for a moment they just sat there. Her head against his, he could feel the tears on her cheeks.
"I got there and I saw her body and all I felt was rage. Pure rage. I killed him, Beth. With my bare hands I killed him. I just kept punching a corpse until the rest of them arrived and Derek pulled me off of him. And then I lost it. He had just left her laying there, he had stabbed her like he had me, but she was already gone. He stabbed her just to do it. Just so I would see it. I held her lifeless body in my arms and just sobbed. The only thing that got me off that floor was Jack. I hadn't seen him yet and I needed to know if he was safe. I ran to my old office and there he was. Hiding inside the bench."
Beth felt a flood of irrational relief. Jack was safe and sound asleep upstairs, she knew that, so why did she feel so relieved?
Hotch was still holding on to her arm, and her forehead was still against the side of his. Slowly she pulled her hand to his chest, over his heart, and placed a kiss against his temple.
"I'm so sorry," she whispered to him. "Let's go to bed."
It was early, barely past 9 PM, but they were both exhausted.
Hotch nodded and they stood and went upstairs. Beth chose to wear sleep shorts and a sports bra to bed, her breasts feeling too heavy and tender to not be contained, and the rest of her was too warm for too much clothing. She slid in next to Hotch and he placed his hand over the bare skin of her belly, she tucked herself against him.
"I love you," he whispered to her.
"I love you too."
