Sleep was no longer a comfort for Ritsuka, even though most nights the touch of Merlin Alter on her dreams was no more than a whisper. But she woke each morning wondering if she was the same person. Some mornings, after more intense dreams, she woke convinced of a painful light shining within her.
The feeling faded each day, and by lunch she could almost forget the fragments of dreams she'd recalled at dawn. But as the lights dimmed for the night cycle, strange feelings and shards of memory would resurface. She would remember once more that sleep was a curse that came with the burned world.
Maybe if she could save it—
They said she could undo the fire—
(But that was nonsense. What was burned stayed burned. The god never gave back.)
Though for her friends, she'd try.
But she worried that who she'd wake up as the next day wouldn't try at all. Wouldn't care about Mash and Marie. Wouldn't even remember the fire. That would be bad, especially for Ritsuka.
One night, as she stared at the clean pajamas folded on her bed and tried to think of any other chore she could do beside sleeping, she had an idea. Quickly, she pattered down the hall to the lounge near da Vinci's workshop, where da Vinci and Romani often shared a cup of coffee before the night shift.
"Ritsuka," said da Vinci, looking at her over a steaming mug. "Isn't it past your bedtime, young lady?"
Earnestly, Ritsuka said, "I always have trouble sleeping. So I was wondering… do we have any medicines that make it so I wouldn't dream?"
Romani and da Vinci exchanged a look. Then Romani lowered his eyes to his mug while da Vinci said brightly, "La, no no no, Ritsuka. Dreams are an important part of your mental health. Without dreams, people go crazy, and that would be very bad for the Grand Order."
Ritsuka's brow furrowed. In a little voice, she said, "But if I don't sleep, I don't dream, either. Isn't that also bad?"
Something glinted in da Vinci's eyes and she nudged Romani with her foot. The doctor glanced up and then quickly down again. "I can give you something to help you sleep. It won't do anything about the dreams, though."
Ritsuka stared at the two Chaldean administrators as an old, familiar feeling uncurled in her gut, twisting through her and making her shoulders hunch. But despite that slow-growing sense of betrayal, she tried again, for Mash and Marie. "Please? Please help me make the dreams go away?"
da Vinci put her mug on the low table and stood up. "It's all right, Ritsuka. Dreams can't hurt you. We—" and her poise cracked, just a little. "We know that. Dr. Roman will give you—"
Romani's face darkened as he looked up at da Vinci and then cut her off. "Ritsuka. Are your dreams hurting you?"
Ritsuka flushed, hugging herself. "N-no. Most of the time, no. But they scare me so much." She didn't know how to explain her fear that each dream changed a little bit of her and that one day she'd wake up a different person.
Both Romani and da Vinci visibly relaxed. Da Vinci said, "But you were afraid during Orleans and Fuyuki, too, and you still brought them to a conclusion. I'm sure you'll do the same on our next mission. You're such a good girl, Ritsuka."
Ritsuka lowered her eyes at that, remembering too much. "Okay," she mumbled. "Good night."
The first time Ritsuka woke in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm, she sat up, looking around, still in her Chaldean pajamas. The circular room was empty, bounded by the curving wall, the door, and its eight windows. Today the northern one was unshuttered and the light that poured in was white and chilly.
She rose to her feet and ran across the cold stone floor to the window, but it was no portal home now. He controlled that, as he controlled everything here. The sky was the high thin blue of winter and the wind that lifted Ritsuka's hair carried the bite of snow. The land far below was verdant and lush and unreachable.
She turned away from the window. The door of the chamber was plain wood like the bed, with a simple handle and no lock. If she wished, she could walk through and down the tower stairs to Merlin Alter's throne room.
Instead, she went back to the bed, lay down, and pulled the covers up to her chin. Maybe there was another way to avoid an encounter that made her stomach churn and her thighs tighten. But although she closed her eyes, she couldn't sleep.
After all, you're already asleep, Ka-chan.
She heard the door open and close, and felt Merlin Alter sit down on the bed beside her. "Here you are, Ka-chan," he said, his voice bright with laughter. "You're allowed to leave your room, you know."
"I… I didn't want to," said Ritsuka nervously, keeping her eyes tightly closed.
He put his hand on her abdomen, and even through the thick blanket his touch sent a spiral of warmth through her. She opened her eyes and met his dark violet ones, rich with amusement and tainted with sin. His sensuous mouth quirked and her fingers twitched at the urge to touch his lips.
"Sweet, delicate Ka-chan, tucked so adorably in this bed and unable to sleep. Don't you know what you do want?" His fingers traced an upward arc against her stomach. Under the blanket, her own hands slid over her pajama-covered hips as she imagined the feeling of her fingers between her legs. Her mouth parted in a silent whimper.
He leaned down and kissed her, his tongue slipping between her lips briefly before he raised his head and whispered, "I do."
At the touch of his tongue, heat swept over Ritsuka as her sense of the temperature in the wintery room skyrocketed. She pushed her fingers against her core and then, moaning, she kicked the blanket off herself and sat up, rising to her knees.
Squeezing her thighs together at the insistent demand of her body, she stared at Merlin Alter. His moonglow hair curled around his face and tumbled down his back and he smiled still, as if he'd expected her flurry of movement and the way she'd knocked his hand off her.
"Why are you doing this?" she asked, breathing hard. She wanted to press herself against him as she'd never pressed herself against any man. Liquid warmth filled her core and her nipples were hard and irritated by the touch of her pajamas. He'd fix that; instinctively she knew he would.
A frown shadowed his eyes. "My poor Ka-chan. You've known so much pain and so little pleasure in your life that you hardly understand what your own body wants. You must come to me, but I've promised you every pleasure you crave while you visit, have I not?" He ran a knuckle along her jaw and then stroked the skin under her ear, leaving a trail of lightning behind.
Slowly, Ritsuka raised her hands and cupped her own breasts. They felt heavy against her palms and the pleasurable shock of her thumbs over her nipples forced her to suppress a groan. "You've made these ache," she whispered.
"You want," corrected Merlin Alter. "And you fear. Lie back again now."
And then she was stretched on the bed once more, as if she'd never risen. But the blanket was still crumpled around her feet and she was so hot that her pajamas stuck to her body.
Deftly, Merlin Alter unbuttoned her pajama top. She slid her hands under as he did, bringing her fingers up to the lower curve of her breasts. But when he exposed her breasts entirely, he put his own hand around a mound and his touch was nothing like her own. She felt every movement of his thumb and every imprint of his fingers through each nerve in her body. Her own hands fell limply to the sides of her head as she arched her back and panted desperately.
"Yes," Merlin crooned. "This is what you want, isn't it?" He palmed her other breast, caressing and massaging the soft flesh, sending sharp shards of pleasure through her body. She gasped and bucked against him, needing more, more.
In response, his hot, wet mouth closed over one of her nipples and she cried out, digging her fingers into his mane of hair.
Ah, yes, Ka-chan. You've hidden so much of yourself away, but now you begin to feel again. I said that you'd enjoy every violation, did I not? As his tongue flicked over her nipple and his teeth scraped delicate flesh that rose into his mouth, he whispered in her mind. You spill your slick sweetness so easily. I've waited for you, wanted you so long. If I used you up too soon, I would regret it for an eternity.
He left her breast and, stretching beside her, began to kiss her mouth again as he toyed with one nipple. This time, as his tongue delved deeply, she felt the same soul-deep shock she'd felt the first time he kissed her: as if somehow he'd reached inside her and split her apart. It had been a brief sensation previously, a yawning canyon that had filled with desire and faded when he released her.
Merlin Alter didn't release her this time. Instead as he kissed her something poured into the hollow space he'd made, a thundering roar of something sheer and shining that whirled through her. The way it scraped against the edges of her soul was an exquisite pleasure.
He groaned against her mouth, nearly panting himself. Yes, yes, so perfect, so delicate and gentle—and your fear, your desire, so pure. Oh, Ka-chan! The whole time, he poured into her, filling her until she began to forget who she was, and all with only a kiss.
At last, he lifted his head, though something stretched between them a moment longer before snapping. She gasped for breath, blinking up at him. He looked down at her and kissed her brow, her cheek, the side of her mouth… and then pulled himself away with a visible effort.
Standing, he said softly, his voice husky, "When you are ready, you may return through the north window, my Ka-chan. Come again soon."
He was gone. The light had gone with him, but the room was freezing once more. Ritsuka lay sprawled on the bed, feeling the shining sheer thing inside her: how good it felt, and how her untouched core still ached. Then, dazed and desperate for her own bed, she walked across a floor like ice and looked at the northern sky.
Ritsuka woke up again in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm, and looked around. The northwest window was unshuttered, and the orange light of a hunter's moon spilled through. She rose to her feet and padded across cold stone to look out. Mists covered the land below, smelling of apples and woodsmoke, and a dark shape soared against the moon before diving into the night.
Leaning on the windowsill, Ritsuka looked up at the stars directly overhead, trying to convince herself that the woodsmoke and the fog weren't signs of an untamed fire. The stars were strange, she realized. One of them was big and red where she remembered no red star before, while a girdle of four blue ones curved around it.
"Hi!" called a friendly voice, and a creature hurled itself around the curve of the tower. No, not one creature but two: mount and rider. The mount was all feathers and wings, with beady eyes and a beak. The rider was an androgynous figure with pink hair in a braid, clinging to the mount with their knees while waving both arms.
As they came to perch on the wall beside the window, the mount's great talons biting into stone, Ritsuka pulled herself back in. The dream whispered to her and she furrowed her brow. "Your name is Astolfo?"
"That's me!" said Astolfo, his chest puffing out. "And this is Hippogriff. Pleased to meet you, beautiful princess!"
Her heart pounding, Ritsuka asked, "What are you doing here?"
With a sunny smile, Astolfo said, "Oh, I belong to Merlin. He likes it when I play in the skies, so that's my job! And you're his favorite guest. Are you enjoying yourself, Princess?"
Ritsuka's shoulders tightened as an embryonic dream died, and she didn't say anything. The woodsmoke tickled her nose again and she looked down at the mist, half-expecting to see orange flames peeking through.
"Hey," said Astolfo, and delicately touched her chin with one finger. Startled, she looked up to see his face close to hers. "Don't be sad, Princess. When his pets are sad, Merlin gets sad, too. Then everybody else gets sad." A shudder rippled through his form, although his kind expression didn't change, and Ritsuka saw a flash of how Merlin Alter's moods could influence his realm: fields left fallow while farmers wandered lost in thorny labyrinths of their own minds.
"I know!" said Astolfo, breaking into a smile again. "You should explore. He likes it when we explore. Even if you go to the wrong place, he'll like that too."
Ritsuka's eyes widened as she remembered the battlefield in the throne room, and how Merlin Alter had enjoyed comforting her after she'd been frightened by it. She pressed her hands against her face as her cheeks and her core both warmed as she remembered how his kind embrace had so naturally become his tongue stroking inside her mouth.
"Yes, yes," nodded Astolfo. "Explore! Have fun! He'd never take that away from you."
The hippogriff squawked at this and flapped its huge wings, propelling itself away from the tower. Astolfo, unprepared, half-tumbled off, catching himself by a saddle strap. He dangled, laughing, as the hippogriff flew back toward the orange hunter's moon.
Ritsuka hugged herself as she turned away and then walked slowly to the door. It opened easily at her touch, and she descended the cold stone staircase that circled the inner wall of the tower. It wasn't nearly as long as she thought it had been, and soon she came to the floor with the complicated wire cage.
The cage's inhabitant had appeared in Chaldea, and apparently remained there even in her dreams, because the cage was now empty. She stared at it, curling her fingers into the open wire mesh. Golden hair twined into nests in the eye sockets of skeletal animals cluttering the floor of the cage, while long paths of wood and intricately woven metal ran all over the cage. Little bits of mirror flashed here and there and a musk she now knew well lingered.
Merlin Alter stroked Ritsuka's hair before trailing his warm hand down her back to slide comfortably around her waist.
"I trust Cath Palug has been behaving in Chaldea?"
Ritsuka shivered. "Fou. Mash calls him Fou."
"Oh? What a charmingly straightforward girl she sounds to be," said Merlin Alter, and Ritsuka had the horrible feeling she'd made a bad mistake in mentioning her kohai to the mage-king.
Quickly, she said, "Did he escape?"
With a laugh, Merlin Alter said, "That's not how this works, and you know it."
Her fingers tightening on the mesh, she tried again. "We feed him what we eat and he seems to like it. What did you feed him?"
"Oh, the same," he said carelessly. "Although he's always been more fond of blood than I am. He can do more with it, too."
Ritsuka remembered the pain-turned-to-pleasure when Fou had bitten her. He'd never repeated the experience in Chaldea, and she'd been able to mostly forget the terrifying way that sharp teeth slicing into her skin had become a powerful aphrodisiac.
"That's how he came to Chaldea, isn't it?" she asked. "Through my blood?"
"Clever Ka-chan. And now he sleeps in your kohai's bed, is that it?"
No, no, no! She didn't want to talk about Mash with him, ever. She pushed herself away from the cage and turned to him, curling her hands against his chest instead, hoping to distract him that way.
His arms closed loosely round her, but he did nothing more. She glanced shyly up at him and saw the gleam in his wicked, shadowed eyes. "He curls beside her even now, nestled in the curve here…." He moved one hand to the junction of her thigh and hip.
She pushed her hands up to his shoulders, scanning his face for any sign of interest, distraction, or any response at all to her. But his little smile never changed. "Sometimes, his tail slides against her naked thigh…" and his fingers traced the route, brushing lightly against her core as he slid his hand against her inner thigh.
Desperately, Ritsuka pushed herself on her toes and pressed her lips against his neck. He laughed, his hand at her waist tightening as his other hand pressed harder against her core, sending a jolt of pleasure through her locked knees.
Almost unconsciously, she licked his neck, inhaling his scent of lilac and lotus.
"Innocent Ka-chan. You're really not very good at this. But that's okay," he said reassuringly, once again sliding both arms around her waist. "I have other pets who are, if I want that game. And I'm not interested in your little friend, not when I have you. So be easy: each of our little friends can simply enjoy each other."
She licked him again and he inhaled. "But if you still wish to continue that, feel free." His hands came up, threading through her hair, and each tug and twist felt as good as his fingers against her core. "Shall I take you to your room?"
"No," Ritsuka whispered, not wanting the bed and what came with it. "Not yet." She licked a third time and realized it felt as magical as kissing his mouth. "This is good," she mumbled.
"Yes," he said. "It would be." He stroked her hair and her back with regular rhythmic strokes as she lapped at his skin. When she found herself using her teeth in tiny little nips, he laughed again. "Little mistress of calamity. You can't take Cath Palug's place, you know."
They were sitting, he with his back against the cage wall and she in his lap, her arms twined around his neck. She felt wonderful and sleepy, and as he continued stroking her, her pleasant languorousness increased.
"I could sleep now," she told him with drowsy defiance.
"Go ahead," he told her. "I'll allow it. I've enjoyed your visit today very much, Ka-chan. Do come again soon."
She drifted off, through the northwest window, the sensation of his fingers through her hair following her all the way back to her own bed.
Ritsuka woke up again in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm, and looked around. The western window was unshuttered, and a dry yellow light tinted the room. She rose to her feet and walked from shadowed chill into a sun-warmed square of stone next to the window. Golden fields swayed far below, with thatched houses dotted between them. Even from high above, the scent of dried grass and unwatered earth tickled her nose.
She turned away and left the room. Once she'd descended the stairs, she went past the cage and to the throne room beyond. She paused at the empty throne, looking down at the quicksilver pool that puddled around her bare feet. It felt cool like glass, but her reflection rippled.
"Wake up, Mother," said a sardonic feminine voice. "We have a guest."
Raising her eyes, Ritsuka skimmed her gaze quickly over the stilled battle vista that occupied the far end of the throne room like a silenced screen to instead focus on the woman in red who'd spoken. She stood next to the golden birdcage containing an older version of herself, crowned and veiled. The woman in red wore a spiked collar, and manacles and chains at her ankles and wrists. Each chain had been broken at a different length.
The dream whispered their names to her. Mordred. Morgan.
Morgan took hold of the bars of her cage, excitement burning in previously dead eyes. "You! Come here, quickly!"
Her daughter crossed her arms, leaning on one leg. "Yes, do."
Warily, because danger and malice radiated from Mordred, Ritsuka came down the throne's dais and stopped well out of reach of the longest of Mordred's chains.
"No, come closer!" insisted Morgan. "Come closer and I'll tell you how to free us all!"
Mordred rolled her eyes. Then, moving in a flash, she darted to Ritsuka, grabbed her arm, and hauled her all the way to the golden cage. As Ritsuka sprawled at her feet and she settled back into her cross-armed lean, she said, "You really are a frail thing, aren't you. Hmph. I bet he'll get bored with you soon enough."
Morgan hissed, "Closer. Mordred, bring her to me."
Mordred raised one eyebrow at Ritsuka. "If you indulge her, it'll be worth it."
Puzzled, Ritsuka stood up and moved as close to Morgan as she could.
Fingers like talon brushed her arm, the cage protecting Ritsuka from what she was sure would have been a death grip. Morgan whispered, "You must kill him, child. Kill him while he takes you, and free everyone."
A smile twitching at Mordred's mouth, she said, "Before you agree, know that Mother's tried that dozens of times, pretty girl."
Ritsuka tried to imagine having the strength to even try such a thing. As her head slowly shook, Morgan's eyes widened. "No? No?" Those eyes filled with tears and she began to sob, moaning and clutching herself as if she'd lost her dearest dream.
Mordred promptly started laughing, a raucous sound, as if this was a joke she loved. "See, Mother? I don't even have to hurt you myself!"
Ritsuka looked between the two of them, one weeping, one laughing at the other's tears. Slowly she backed away. "You're both…"
"Oh, she speaks!" Once again, Mordred grabbed her before she could react. "Don't run away so soon, pretty girl. I want to play too."
The woman in red pulled Ritsuka close, closer, and then her mouth was closing over Ritsuka's. She kissed more like Beowulf than Mash: demanding and ungentle, with a tongue as hard as her words. But unlike with Beowulf, Ritsuka had no reason to endure such contact, so she shoved at Mordred's chest.
"Mmm." Mordred pulled her head away, her eyes slitting closed as she leaned her breasts into Ritsuka's hands. "Rough little thing, aren't you." She moved her mouth to Ritsuka's neck as Ritsuka reflexively squeezed Mordred's breasts.
Then she lifted her hands away. "No!"
But Mordred held her close, her mouth moving along Ritsuka's collarbone. The other woman's hands slid around her hips to cup her behind. It felt strange, uncomfortable, unwanted, yet not unpleasant.
Oh, where was Mash, where was Olga Marie? Then she remembered she didn't want them to be here; that she'd do anything to protect them from that dark violet gaze. "No," she said again, more loudly, her breath hitching in her anxiety.
Once again Mordred lifted her head, although she didn't release Ritsuka from the circle of her arms. "All right. Shall I kill you instead? That might finally get him to kill me for good, don't you think, Mother?"
Ritsuka realized Morgan's sobbing had stopped and now the caged queen watched them with eyes like a jade falcon. "Little Mordred. Have you finally accepted you'll never be his lion?"
Mordred flushed and she shoved Ritsuka away. "This kitten certainly won't, either."
Morgan's flat gaze followed Ritsuka's flail for balance. "No. There will never be any lions again." Then her gaze went to the throne behind Ritsuka and once more her flat gaze became fire.
"Dammit," muttered Mordred as she too glanced beyond before giving Ritsuka a look of pure dislike.
Ritsuka looked over her shoulder and then turned around as everything else in the room seemed to fade away. Merlin Alter sat on his throne, leaning his head casually on one arm and lightly spinning a wooden crown around one finger. He wore his usual slight indulgent smile.
"Enjoying playtime?" he asked.
Ritsuka instinctively shook her head, took two steps toward him, and then stopped as horror reshaped her desire to get away from the two women. Morgan was whispering, "Kill him, kill him, kill him…" while Mordred growled under her breath.
"Yes, come to me, sweetness," commanded Merlin Alter, and she went, despite her horror at the idea of running to him for safety. Once she'd mounted the dais, he tugged her into the throne beside him: a space she just barely fit into with his arm around her.
"She does have her hobby," he said, nodding toward Morgan. "Harmless, and it gives Mordred a chance to indulge her own interests. Hmm…" He tilted his head, studying the two. Mordred's eyes were fixed on the throne, and her growl was just audible from that distance.
Then Merlin Alter stood, drawing Ritsuka up after him. "My delicate Ka-chan. Let's return to your room and I'll open a window for you."
Ritsuka's eyes widened. "Already?"
Merlin Alter gave her a one-eyed humorous look. "If you want more, you don't have to use it. But yes, it's upstairs time now."
And then she was on the stairs, her hand tucked in Merlin Alter's as they climbed. In the distance, from the direction of the throne room, there was a clang and a hoarse cry of pain. Ritsuka flinched, looking back as another agonized cry, higher and shriller, echoed up the tower.
"No, no, Ka-chan. Up we go. Their amusements aren't for you." He tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, stroking his fingers along the shell of her ear as he did. She shivered at his touch and glanced up at his face. "Will you climb or shall I take away your pain here and now?"
Ritsuka swallowed. "I want to go home, please." She started climbing on her own, and pushed open the door into her room, lit with gold and smelling of drought and dried grass.
"There you go," said Merlin. "Run along. Next time we'll have to work a little harder, though."
She looked through the western window, and fell into her own bed.
Ritsuka woke up again in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm, and looked around. The southwest window was unshuttered, and a bright blue sky shimmered beyond. She rose to her feet and hurried across cool stone to the window, where she could see a white sand beach curving behind dozens of little houses right below her. The ocean was a line of deep blue that blended into the bowl of the sky. A fresh, friendly wind carried the chalky smell of the coast and just a hint of the kiss of the surf to dampen her cheek.
She spent a moment scanning the sky for Astolfo and his hippogriff and then, not finding them, pushed open her door and went down the stairs. She spent a moment lingering at the cage, looking for any other exit from the tower base except into the throne room.
But when neither her host nor another exit appeared, she crept through the throne room arch, hiding herself behind the throne at first. The chamber was dark and still, with covers over both the cage that had been empty and the cage that had contained Morgan.
Slowly Ritsuka went down the dais steps, and then looked over her shoulder once she'd moved a few steps away, and this failed to summon Merlin too.
The screen of the battle at the end of the throne room shifted, moving slowly. As she took a few horrified steps closer, the scene moved more and more quickly, as if her approach brought time itself to the endless slaughter.
Nothing stirred under the birdcage covers, and the throne behind her remained empty. Except for the flames on the battlefield, the room was barely lit. But although the battle moved, it was silent, scentless and unreal until she passed that invisible point where it sprang to shocking, visceral life.
She stood on a steep slope, looking down into a valley where kings died for love and soldiers reached for glory. Metal and men both screamed, horses and arrows whistled and women moaned as they held their loved ones in the mud made from earth and blood. Fires burned here and there, as if fueled by hatred and shattered dreams.
A dark figure moved through the battlefield towards Ritsuka. Though his hair glinted like the moon and he wore black, his eyes blazed like the incineration itself. Unlike everybody else on the battlefield, she knew he saw her. The knowledge struck her like a bolt of fire: he was looking for her, tracking her, and when he caught her, he would kill her.
Breathing hard, Ritsuka retreated two steps, and then turned back to the dim emptiness of the throne room with the sounds of battle still ringing in her ears. Without thinking, she ran through the throne room, convinced that if she looked back the dark hunter would still be coming toward her. Where was her host? Why was the room throne room so dead?
She couldn't stop seeing the fire-eyed hunter in her mind's eye, and the sobbing women he passed as he stalked her. They wailed and sobbed, and the forms in their arms weren't always the bodies of grown men. And she knew from her previous viewing that the women too would die, impaled on the lances of knights….
Her feet splashed through the quicksilver pool before she burst into the cage room. Merlin was leaning against the cage, looking inward as if missing his smallest companion. He looked up as she flung herself at him, catching her easily.
His mouth quirked in amusement as he wrapped his arms around her. "Did you look at the feast again, Ka-chan? I did warn you."
Even his arms didn't take the images in her mind away. She shook her head wildly and gasped, "Take me, take my pain away." Clinging to him, she pressed her lips against the bare skin of his shoulder, her tongue sliding over his flesh, seeking the pleasure she'd felt before.
His fingers tightened against her back. "Upstairs?" he whispered against her temple. His voice rippled through her and her nipples tightened, ached.
"I don't care, I don't care," she said frantically, almost clawing at him. She needed him inside her instead of the hunter with the eyes of fire, who kept getting closer and closer in her mind. She didn't want Merlin Alter's amusement or his words. She wanted him to take her mind away so the true nightmares didn't catch her.
His mouth moved down the side of her face as his hands slid under her pajama top and pulled it off her. Then his mouth was on her breast and she was on her back on the stone floor, her fingers hooked into the cage just beyond her head. She groaned at the scrape of his tongue over her sensitive skin, felt the same scrape at the same time on her other breast and didn't open her eyes to look. She didn't care. She needed this. It felt like salvation.
He straddled her, sliding down her pajama bottoms, his nails scratching lightly over her hips. Then his fingers slid against her wet core and she shook her head. "More. Please, more, I want you in me." In her mind, the rasp of Merlin's tongue warred with the burning hands of the hunter pulling her close. "More, now, now!"
Ah, Ka-chan, little phoenix of desire. He moved his mouth to hers, his hands tangling in her hair. You saw far, far too much, but you instinctively knew the cure. My good girl.
As his mouth filled hers, she felt a hard heat sliding against her core and a trickle of foreign moisture mixing with her own. Then, slowly he began to penetrate her and she realized with a jolt of excitement that for all her visits to his realm, this was the first time he'd taken her this way. She wanted to lift her hips, hasten his maddeningly slow progress, but her body didn't respond to her will.
Instead his mouth moved over hers, pleasurably consuming her, until finally he was fully sheathed within her. Then, only then, did that canyon split across her soul. As he began to move within her, comets of pleasure filled the void, streaking across her mind as his tongue twined with hers and he steadily thrust. More and more shooting stars fell through her until it seemed like the entire sky would collapse within her.
But before that could happen, a new sun rose within the void, burning away the cracked sky so that there was nothing but the sheer, shining light of Merlin Alter. It filled the hollow space he'd opened within her, wracking her body with pleasure as fine and sharp as shattered glass. She screamed using his breath and still he filled her more and more. Her consciousness flickered and when she came to again, still, still, still he poured himself into her.
Ka-chan, Ka-chan… He whispered her name in her mind. She knew only that if he stopped, she'd forget who she was, and never find her way back again.
Then Merlin Alter's weight shifted on her, within her, and he broke their kiss, pulling away, leaving that shining connection between them to once again snap. She stared blankly as he pulled himself from her, still keenly aware of the power whirling within her. The way it wore at the edges of her soul felt so amazing.
He held her in his arms, cradled against his chest, as he stood at the southwest window. "Time to go back to Chaldea, adorable Ka-chan," he said. "When you let yourself take your pleasure, you quite sweep me away. But come back again soon anyhow."
She turned her head and looked out the window, and a wave from the beach rolled across her mind, carrying her back to her own bed.
Ka-chan woke up again in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm, and looked around. The southern window was unshuttered, and a deep blue sky barely lit the room. After a long moment of simply looking at the window, she rose to her feet and drifted over to look out. From the tower to the horizon, she saw only the ocean, wine-dark under a pre-dawn sky.
She stayed there for a long time, just gazing at the emptiness. Once the ocean had been a peaceful sight for her, but now she stared at the sea and understood that even water could burn. It fascinated her, reminding her of the canyon Merlin Alter opened within her sometimes, and how it could be filled.
The door opened and closed behind her and Merlin Alter's arms slid around her waist. He rested his chin on her head for a moment in silence, before nibbling on her ear and murmuring, "I find you here today, sweetness."
His hands at her waist slid upwards and she leaned back a little against his strength, her eyes still fixed on the burnable ocean. "Can you do anything?"
Delicately he stroked her breasts and browsed her hair for a moment before saying, "Not anything, no."
Her nipples became hard little pebbles under his gentle fingers, but she kept her gaze out the window, watching as little whitecaps developed on the water. "What can't you do?"
He bent lower, bringing his head beside hers to give her a friendly side eye. "So shy and quiet, yet when you do talk you pick such grim topics." He was amused rather than irritated. "I couldn't help humanity save itself. I really did try, too."
She glanced at him, her brow furrowed as she remembered an earlier dream. "The Battle of Camlann."
He kissed her neck absently, one hand sliding down her abdomen again. "Yes. That was when I stopped trying to let humans sort out their own affairs." Two of his fingers slid under her pajama bottoms and stroked across her core. "Any more questions, my inquisitive one?"
She bit her lip against the silken sensation, trying to concentrate on the seascape beyond the window even though she wanted to move against his hand. A speck moved through the sky. "What are you doing to me?"
He drew his tongue along her ear and traced his fingers along her slit before whispering, "I'm an incubus, Ka-chan."
Ka-chan frowned as the dream whispered to her again. "Half-incubus?"
She felt him shake his head even as his fingers dipped inside her and a shudder of pleasure rippled through her. "Not any more. As I said, at Camlann… I stopped trying. Nothing made sense and everything I'd been pushing away came home."
He pulled his fingers out of her and turned her to face him, boosting her to sit on the window ledge. His face was grave as he looked at her. Tenderly he pushed a strand of hair away from her face. "Are you fond of the ocean?"
Ka-chan shook her head. "It burns, too."
In a flash, Merlin Alter's somberness transformed into delight. "With a great deal of effort, yes, it does. Do you wonder if I can do that?"
Shrugging, Ka-chan looked over her shoulder at the sea again. He wrapped his arms around her as if he thought she might fall.
"I can," he whispered. "Would you like that?"
"I don't know," she said. "I don't think so. Fire scares me."
He moved against her, pressing against her core, and she wrapped her legs around him: instinct when she had nothing against her back but the palm of his hand.
"Like I scare you?"
She looked back at him and he kissed her, more roughly than he'd ever done before. But it was still Merlin Alter's kiss and it felt good enough that the spasm in her thighs pulled her tight against him. She was naked now, she realized. She was naked and he was unbound and hard against her core.
Her mouth parted against his and she moaned against him helplessly as he stroked his tongue against hers. She truly was so very scared of him, scared of his power, his control, his hungers. But she needed this. Every time he touched her, he made her need him.
Still kissing her, Merlin Alter pushed himself within her. For a long moment he held himself there as if they'd been fused together. Then he finally began to move, slowly sliding in and out, each motion slick and wet. And although he kissed her, and he fucked her, this time no canyons opened within her soul. The falling stars came one at a time, each one with a long and beautiful tail. She gasped and whined and twitched against him and when he released her mouth to move down to her breasts, still moving between her legs, she arched her back over the sea and looked up at the sky as the first flood of her orgasm swept over her.
The tower terminated above her room, coming to a concave point. Two heads peeked over the edge: one beaked, one with a dangling pink braid. As she blinked in dazed puzzlement, as Merlin used her body and pleasured her body, Astolfo grinned and waved. Then he and the hippogriff vanished beyond the tower's edge.
Merlin Alter pulled her back to him for another kiss, gentle again. Then, still buried deep within her, he said, "One thing I can do, most fortunately for us both, my Ka-chan, is control myself even in the face the sweetest temptation. I would be so sad if I used you up too soon…"
He kissed her again and withdrew. And then once again she was in her pajamas, looking out the southern window. "You're in a contemplative mood, sweetness, so I'll leave you to your sea viewing. When you're ready to go home, the window will know."
And so the window did. When the sun was high above the swelling waves, it collapsed beneath her weight, dumping her back into her own bed.
Ka-chan woke up again in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm. The southeast window was unshuttered, and puffy clouds sped across a gray-blue sky. She could smell lush vegetation and hear the distant cry of jungle birds. Instead of rising, she curled up.
He would come to her no matter what she did, and do whatever he wanted. Even if she enjoyed it, even if she wanted it too, it didn't matter. She could choose where he found her, but she couldn't hide. She couldn't escape. He wasn't fire, but she wondered if he might not be something just as bad. The shadows in his eyes promised her he was.
The door opened and closed, and she felt the weight of Merlin Alter as he sat on the bed beside her. Then he stroked her hair gently. "Ah, Ka-chan. You're not feeling like yourself today." He kissed her temple, but that was all, returning to running his fingers through her hair. "That's fine, sweetness. I'll take good care of you."
His weight shifted and he laid on the bed behind her, cuddling around her, holding her comfortably. His breath stirred her hair and his arm draped over her waist to rest on her other side. Except for some shifts of breath and moments where she thought he was about to speak, he stayed like that, even when the sky beyond the southeast window filled with gray and rain blew in with the breeze.
At last, driven by something within herself she didn't understand but accepted as part of her, she twisted toward him, remaining under the shelter of his arm. In the rainshadow twilight, they looked at each other. His dark eyes had a luminous gleam of lilac, and his well-defined lips had just a hint of his usual smile.
She gave into a long-standing urge and brushed her fingers over them. He didn't respond with twitch or word, but his eyes half-closed.
Then she was kissing him, and she didn't know if he'd started it or she had. It was a delicate, gentle kiss, with his fingers on the side of her head and her hands curled against his chest. His hands didn't rove, nor his mouth, and no hollow canyons opened in her soul. It was only a kiss, sweet and tender.
It thundered outside, and she kissed him, though her hands tightened against his chest. Lightning lit up the room, and she kissed him, watching how his eyes swallowed the light. Trees shook in the wind and a flock of parrots complained, and she kissed him, until at last she pulled away and pressed her head where she'd had her hands.
"Sleep now, Ka-chan," he said softly, stroking her hair again. "Feel better when you return."
Obediently, her eyes drifted closed, and she slept against his chest, waking in her own bed.
Ka-chan woke up again in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm. The eastern window was unshuttered and long, feathery clouds ghosted across a midmorning sky. She sat up, looking toward the window, and hesitated before slipping out of bed to pad across a warm stone floor.
Beyond the window a river wound lazily through a plain rich with swaying green. Long-legged birds moved along the river's edge, and around the tower itself grew a grove of aromatic cedar trees.
The door opened behind her and she turned, skittering back to jump into the bed again. As the door closed, Merlin Alter smiled at her. "No playing sick today, my Ka-chan. I have something far more interesting planned."
She peered at him suspiciously, hugging a pillow.
Then she was standing in the middle of the open floor and Merlin was smoothing his fingers along the straps of the silken burnt orange gown she wore. She held her arms out at his touch and he ran his fingers down her side, stroking the exposed curve of her breasts. When she shivered and warmed, he laughed at her. "Not right now, little phoenix. My other guests are waiting."
He took her elegantly by the hand and drew her along with him.
"But what are we doing?" asked Ka-chan, because sometimes he answered questions.
"I'm sure you can guess, you clever girl." He paused and swept her hair up from her neck, letting it twist itself into a knot. "Or you can let yourself be surprised."
And sometimes he didn't.
Ka-chan sighed, her lower lip pushing out in just a hint of a pout. He noticed and stopped, bending to kiss her deeply.
Then her back was against the stairwell wall and his fingers had found her breasts under her dress. Her arms twined around his neck and she bit his lip before he finally pulled away, whispering, Not yet…
Smoothing her dress again, he added wryly, "At least you're in a good state of mind for your ball."
He was guiding her down the stairs again and she was too distracted by the aching she'd awoken in her core to ask more questions that would only slow their progress.
The so-called ball was in the throne room, where the golden cages were empty and dozens of figures in armors and silks swirled between Ka-chan and the battle vista. Music came from nowhere particular, pretty and empty, but instead of dancing, the guests only whispered as they moved in vague patterns. When Merlin Alter appeared, they all turned toward him, most of them bowing or curtseying to varying degrees. The signs of respect didn't seem to interest him at all, his gaze remaining focused on herself.
Through the ripple of obeisances, she saw two figures that remained above the others, and recognized them as Mordred and Morgan. As the crowd moved again, she realized that they lounged on tables; no, were chained to the tables.
Then a line of hollow-eyed men blocked her view of the tables, and Merlin was settling something round and light on her head. She touched it before he'd finished and felt the smooth wooden finish of his crown.
Panic surged through her and she tried to duck away. She was already bound here; wearing his crown would be far too much, and far too confusing.
He caught her and pulled her upright with a gentle tsk. "Frightened of this, too? It's a useless symbol most of the time, Ka-chan, but today it serves a purpose." He showed it to her and she realized some of the gems were missing before he once again placed it on her head.
After that, he waved at the line of hollow-eyed knights. They wore only bits of flashing metal instead of full armor, but still she could see from their build and their bearing that if any would be called knights, they would.
"I thought you might pick one of them as your champion," said Merlin cheerfully.
"One of them?" Ka-chan was bewildered. One had red hair, and several had golden hair. One of them had hair of pitch. All of them had empty, dead eyes that she recoiled from. Instead, she looked around, wondering if there was anybody else she knew at the little ball.
Dryly, Merlin Alter said, "I'm unconvinced you could handle two yet, sweetness." His hand settled encouragingly on her back. "Looking for somebody?"
"Is Astolfo here?" she asked without thinking.
Merlin Alter tilted his head. "He doesn't enjoy these little affairs as much as he used to. But if you'd like him—?"
"Oh no!" said Ka-chan quickly and turned her attention to the knights standing for her inspection. She couldn't stand that thought of the hippogriff rider with eyes like them. "But what would I do with one of them?"
"Oh, anything you please. I thought you might appreciate some diversity in your playmates." He waved a hand and the other guests parted as naturally as breathing, so that she could once again see Morgan.
The chained queen had stretched herself on the table, and was languidly attending to the needs of one of the male guests with her hands and mouth. When she realized Merlin was watching her, she paused, turning toward him and stroking one hand down her lush body, although her eyes remained flat and cold.
Ka-chan shuddered, lowering her gaze, but Merlin Alter only chuckled. "You see, even Morgan benefits from a change in scenery now and again. Come, why don't you try dancing with one?"
Shaking her head, Ka-chan pulled away from Merlin Alter's hand, afraid of what he wanted from her. "No. No, I don't want anyone."
An odd smile played over Merlin Alter's face. "No? What do you want, then? Do you know yet?"
The smile frightened her. She stumbled away from him, deeper into the ball, toward the dessert tables and past them without looking too closely at what Mordred was doing with a tall lady with raven hair. Beyond lay the battle vista. Although it horrified her, at that moment the boundless horizon on solid ground suddenly seemed like nothing so much as escape from intentions she could barely comprehend.
Before she could think too hard, she dashed forward, into the roar and stench and further on, sliding down the steep slope in her bare feet and ballgown. As she windmilled her arms for balance, the sound faded around her—not the complete absence of noise from the throne room, but what happened when the battle stopped, completely. Even the screams of pain died away.
Cautiously, she looked around. Hundreds of eyes stared at her, from bodies frozen in place. Then, one by one, those still on their feet kneeled as the weapons fell from their hands.
Ka-chan shook her head, backed a step and surged forward through the kneeling combatants, straining her eyes to see an end to the field of war. She failed. Instead she saw a single figure in motion: a man in black, with pale hair and eyes of fire, stalking out of the bloody sun.
Ka-chan's every priority instantly inverted. She knew Merlin Alter and his evil would preserve her from the death that prowled toward her. She backed up and then turned to run the way she'd came. The throne room had disappeared, but she didn't care, as long as she was putting any kind of distance between herself and her hunter.
Only a moment later, she crested a small hill and found Merlin strolling toward her. She ran straight to him and once again, he caught her easily. "Really, sweetness, must I take this choice away from you? Although I can't say I don't enjoy the consequences…"
"He's coming…" she gasped, and Merlin Alter looked beyond her at the dark hunter, his gaze cooling.
He watched in silence as the flame-eyed figure approached, until the other man was only a few yards away, when he finally flicked his fingers and the figure frozen. "So that's what scares you the most, Ka-chan?"
It wasn't like the frozen soldiers, though, who had knelt under their own power and by something resembling their own choice. The man with the burning eyes was frozen like a fly in amber, and judging from his expression it infuriated him.
But Merlin Alter clearly didn't care. Instead he gave Ka-chan a look tinged with the first sign of impatience she'd ever seen from him. "Well? Is that who you'd like as your playmate?"
Ka-chan gaped at him. Then, her voice shrill, she said, "I'm scared of him. He wants to kill me."
Merlin Alter gave the other man a quick, flickering gaze. "The real thing, yes. But this one is just a dream. You can have him here if you wish."
Something prickled against Ka-chan's skin and she pulled away from Merlin Alter. "I'm scared of him," she repeated.
Merlin Alter stroked her jaw with his knuckle. "You're scared of everything you want, sweetness."
She shook her head and stepped further away. "Don't touch me. I can't think when you touch me."
"All right," he said indulgently, watching her.
Ka-chan hugged herself, her fingers brushing against her skin through the open sides of her gown. More than anything, she was afraid that Merlin Alter would force this killer… this dream of a killer upon her. She could imagine blinking and finding herself in his rough and angry embrace.
She could imagine liking it.
As liquid warmth coiled through her, she gave Merlin Alter a panicked look. "Nonono, I don't want to be hurt. I don't, I don't!" she begged. "Please!" She backed away, and tripped over a kneeling soldier.
Then she was falling against Merlin instead of in the crimson mud. He caught her lightly, set her on her feet again, and kept one hand on her waist this time. "You're getting overwrought, Ka-chan," he murmured. "Pain is not part of my plan for you at this point."
He plucked the wooden crown from her head and made it vanish. "But I rushed you." Then he pressed his forehead against hers, and murmured, "You see? There are so many things I can't do. Not the way I'd like to do them, anyhow."
He lifted his head and they stood in the throne room. The ball had vanished , the battle vista was silent, and once again both cages were covered. Pleasantly, he said, "And here we are again. Forget, if you wish."
Ka-chan recoiled in his embrace, bringing her hands up. "No!"
Raising an eyebrow, continuing to hold her, he said, "No? I don't like to send you back to Chaldea with nightmares, you know. The real version of your hunter won't be a problem for a long time yet."
Fiercely Ka-chan shook her head. "I want to remember, even if it scares me.."
"Ah," he said, and brushed his lips over hers. "You see? Your desire and your fear: two sides of the same coin. How can I refuse such honesty, though?"
She opened her mouth to argue, and he kissed her again instead, this time with an urgency she'd never witnessed before. His hands ran over her body in the clinging silken ballgown, touching her as he'd touched her on the steps, and she thought that he'd been holding himself back all that time.
If only he hadn't, they'd done this instead.
She wrapped her arms around his neck, letting him take her tongue and touch her as he pleased. She didn't want to forget, but she didn't want to remember, either; didn't want the man with eyes of fire to touch her later in her other dreams, less magical dreams.
Merlin Alter's mouth moved to her neck and then her shoulder. The strap holding up her gown fell away and the entire thing shimmied down to pool at her feet. He closed his teeth over her shoulder as he pulled her naked body against him, and she dug her nails into his shoulders.
Oh, my Ka-chan, if I filled you every time I wished to, you would be a husk far too soon. You see how weak, how powerless I am? He kissed her again roughly, his teeth leaving stinging little nips on her lips before his tongue filed her mouth. You would enjoy another, I promise. I'd make sure of it, and keep you safe, too.
"Please," she breathed. "Please, I don't want anybody else."
He groaned against her, and a canyon opened in her soul.
She was on her back on the stone floor of the throne room and he was thrusting into her, filling her with his mouth and his cock. Her pleasure was an incandescent arc as she writhed against him, trying to fill the crack in her soul that he left empty. She gasped, pushing herself harder and harder against him, trying to pull him deeper within her. The light of her orgasm swallowed her mind.
When she was conscious again, they were on the stairs and he was thrusting into her from behind, leaving marks on her shoulders as his thumbs circled her breasts. The pleasure that filled her was a lightning bolt from her core to her brain, but the crack within her soul seemed to glow with all her unfulfilled desire.
In her tower bedroom, the chasm in her soul still aching, she knelt on the warm floor and took his erection in her mouth, sucking as he slowly moved against her mouth. The same odd pleasure she felt kissing his skin elsewhere reverberated through her frame, and she looked up at him to see his indulgent expression as he stroked her hair.
"You're enjoying yourself, Ka-chan, and I like that very much. But I'm an incubus, you know? This isn't the same for me as it would be for another playmate. Are you sure—?"
She released him, panting, her jaw aching, and fell back against the bed. He sat behind her and pulled her into the circle of his arms. "You opened me," she whispered. "How do I feel better unless I please you?"
"All you can do is go home," he said. "Later, on another visit, I'll give you what you need." He rose, lifting her in his arms, and carried her to the eastern window. Tiredly, she turned and looked out, and let the river carry her back to her own bed.
Ka-chan woke up again in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm. The northeast window was unshuttered, revealing a sky like diamonds against velvet. She looked at the sky, so richly black that it seemed to contain rainbows, and remembered her last visit.
In control was a phrase Ritsuka Fujimaru had rarely applied to her own life, but her previous visit had been nightmarish in how disjointed events had ended up. The idea that she could control anything here was clearly ludicrous, but she had to try, anyhow.
She rose from the bed, because that was making a choice, and walked downstairs. The cage room was empty, and the throne room had the cages covered. From the safety of the dais, she looked at the battle vista, straining her eyes to see the hunter with eyes of flame in the distance. At last, she sighed and returned to her tower bedroom.
Once again she pulled her covers up to her chin in the bed and closed her eyes to wait. This time, she was permitted to doze lightly, until she woke at the pressure of a body sitting down on the bed beside her. It wasn't Merlin Alter.
"Hello, Princess," said a friendly, familiar voice, and she opened her eyes to see Astolfo sitting on the bed beside her.
He smiled, his gaze vivid and alive, and touched her nose with one finger. "I could feel your sadness. Want to talk about it?"
Tears filled Ka-chan's eyes and she caught his hand, pressing it against her cheek. His smile changed, touching his eyes more and his mouth less.
"I don't want to be here," she whispered.
Astolfo's head tilted. "No? Even though you're doing so much for your people?"
"What?" She stared at him, her brow furrowed. "Here?"
"Ehehe," laughed Astolfo, putting his free hand behind his head. "I think so, yeah? I thought Merlin was using you as a vessel to transfer power to Chaldea, so the mage-king in your world couldn't win?"
Ka-chan thought about that, still holding Astolfo's hand against her cheek. She remembered the canyon in her soul filling with that sheer shining energy, and the looks da Vinci and Romani had exchanged when she asked them for dreamless sleep. Then, slowly, she said, "Not always. I'm sure not every time.."
Astolfo shrugged. "So your other visits are just for fun." His grin became crooked. "I know you do have fun. I've seen you. I've heard you. But tell me what you like least? Maybe I can help."
She worried her lip with her teeth before saying, "The cages. All of them. This whole tower is a cage. And the battle." She hesitated and added in a small voice, "But most of all, the… the jolts."
"Jolts?" He gave her a puzzled look.
Helplessly, she said, "When I'm doing something and then suddenly I'm doing something else."
Astolfo's face cleared and his mouth twisted wryly. "The rewrites. You know, I warned Merlin about doing that too much." His hand turned against Ka-chan's and his thumb stroked her cheek. "He's too worried about ruining you for his own good. You should talk to him, Princess. Tell him how you feel." His grin broadened. "He can be very kind to those he likes, you know!"
Ka-chan stared up into Astolfo's cheerful face. The way he described Merlin Alter seemed nothing like the entity she'd come to know. "I think he's… bad," she said softly.
Astolfo laughed again. "Oh, well… I'm not an expert on that sort of thing. I mean, who am I to judge? But I know he's kind to those he likes, and I know he likes you!" His eyes softened as he gazed down at her, and his thumb brushed her lower lip. "I like you too."
Ka-chan's heart hammered in her chest, but not in an unpleasant way. She'd never met any man so cheerfully reassuring, so bright and encouraging. Looking into his eyes, she started to feel the flame of hope once more.
"And what are you up to, you rascal?" came an amused voice.
Astolfo soared to his feet, turning to face Merlin Alter where he leaned on the frame of the open door. "Boss! Hi, boss! I'm just trying to help out!" He took two steps away, removing himself from the line of sight between Ka-chan and Merlin Alter. Then he gave Ka-chan a double thumbs up encouragingly before turning and diving bodily out the northeastern window. There was a squawk from somewhere outside, and then a winged silhouette briefly blotted out some stars.
Merlin Alter watched Astolfo's departure, smiling, before moving to Ka-chan's bed. She sat up quickly. Her heart was still pounding, but for a very different reason than it had with her first visitor.
"You left this room and then came back," observed Merlin Alter, his eyebrows raising in curiosity. "What is it you want today, Ka-chan?"
Hurtling ahead before she could think, she said, "To talk. Just… to talk."
"Hmm," he said, and sat at the foot of the bed. "We'll need to take care of some business before you go home today, but we can start with talking."
Her core warmed at the thought of business as she remembered the pleasure of the chaos in her last dream, and how he'd filled her core and her mouth while leaving her soul aching. But—
But not right now.
She stared into his dark and wicked eyes, trying to find the words to explain like Astolfo had advised her to do. They twisted in her mind, tripping over each other before making it to her tongue.
Then Merlin Alter said, "I see," and she flinched as once again she noticed the jolt of a disconnect. The rewrite, Astolfo had called it.
He gestured, spreading his fingers and added agreeably, "It's a bad habit. But I'm sure we can find a way around it. I don't want my Ka-chan unhappy." He paused. "Although you seemed to truly enjoy Astolfo's visit. I could—"
"No!" burst out Ka-chan. "I don't want anything from him!"
"He'd enjoy it, you know," pointed out Merlin Alter. "It would be easy." But as she shook her head, he sighed. "Very well. Let me think."
He contemplated her for so long that she began to twist her hands together nervously. His head canted to one side and his mouth twisted. Finally he offered, "I'll be more careful about what might upset you."
A lump of lead settled in Ka-chan's stomach. But it was the same lump of lead that had been coming and going since the world burned, so she tried again. "Lots of things upset me. Cages and rewrites and this cold bed…"
She trailed off as she realized he once again watched her with an indulgent smile.
"Of course," he said. "Although Morgan quite likes her cage. I think it would be cruel to take it from her, don't you? And the rewrites… well, they're a bad habit. There's no reason your bed ever has to be cold, though," and he gave her a rueful smile, "even if you keep refusing my offers of bedmates."
Her shoulders slumped. Then he was closer to her, lifting her chin with his knuckle and kissing her—but only briefly. His eyes, which always struck her as curtained windows to a world of atrocity, flickered with rainbows. "And today," he whispered, "I'll let you choose: shall I attend to our business on this visit, or your next?"
Hope sprang to life once more. She gazed at him in wide-eyed wonder. She'd resigned herself to the cracking of her soul, and anticipated the pleasure that came with it as her only recompense. But this, the pleasure of choice, swept all that away. Eagerly, she said, "The next visit, please."
He inclined his head. "Very well. Go and look out the window, then." She scrambled out of bed and looked out at the starry night, falling into it until it took her home.
Ka-chan woke up again in her tower bedroom in Merlin Alter's realm. The northern window was unshuttered and the light that poured in was white and chilly. The sky was the high thin blue of winter and the wind that blew in carried the bite of snow.
Merlin Alter awaited her, standing just inside the door. Her bed was piled high with furs, but she felt cold as she looked into his eyes. He smiled indulgently: the same expression on the same face, with the same eyes. She had furs now, but what had really changed?
"Come downstairs today," he said, and left her in the room. Slowly, she rose and wrapped one of the blankets around herself like a mantle. Then she walked across the icy floor and down the stairs. Cath Palug's cage remained exactly as it had been, and in the throne room, Morgan sat in her birdcage while Mordred lounged beside it.
But Merlin Alter awaited her beside the throne. "Come," he said. "Sit."
She sat in the throne, the fur blanket falling around her shoulders. For a moment, surveying the throne room with its cages and its battle vista, she felt powerful. He knelt before her and for one dizzy moment that she was the queen now, or at least that this was his form of respect.
He parted her knees and kissed the inside of one and she stared down at him as he traced his fingers up the inside of her thighs. Her breasts felt heavy and sensitive, and she instinctively scooted a little closer to the edge of the throne. But she couldn't stop staring at his smile: the same expression on the same face, and worst of all, the same eyes. They were the eyes of a man so far beyond what she understood as right or wrong that he could be kind, carelessly and casually, without at all changing his fundamental nature.
He'd said the crown was only a symbol. She realized that was true of the throne. They meant nothing to him; they added nothing to his power; they were simply objects.
Ka-chan shivered as he traced his tongue up her thigh. She had a fur at her back, she sat naked in a throne, and nothing had changed. He licked at the folds of her core and she gasped as he slipped within to trace the interior.
She remembered Astolfo's bright and shining face, his faith that talking to Merlin would change everything. What had she done wrong? Why had he believed so much?
"Astolfo…" she murmured.
Merlin Alter lifted his head to smile at her. "Ah, Ka-chan. Have you finally decided what you want?"
