It's getting harder not to think about him. It was her worst fear of returning home. Having to throw herself back into a world of places they've questioned witnesses together, canvases they've run together, alleys they've stood in hovering over dead bodies. She was doing so well not letting her mind get trapped in the undertow of her memories, not letting herself get pulled into looking through old selfies they've taken that are still on her phone, reliving their times together.
She was doing well because she had no room for them while in DC.
But now... it's like the whole city is a towering, imposing memento of her failed, yet deepest relationship. As she walks tiredly toward a last ditch effort, she's even afraid of looking in the direction she knows the streets lead to the loft. Part of it is a fear she'll see him coming and run scared, but most of it is because she'll relive walking that street just like she did that night in the rain.
Beckett smiles all too sadly as she looks down at the pavement. He was so slow and caring with her. So painfully patient and loving and romantic, subverting all her expectations of what she thought he'd be like.
God, it's starting already.
Beckett takes in a quick whiff of the thick air and turns out of the foot traffic, going through the steel door entrance in a red brick building. She's out of ideas and just needs someone that will back her up, give her some kind of vote of encouragement, maybe some idea as of what to do next. She's lost everything in her life, in both lives, but her friends have always stood by her, especially Lanie. And it is a Saturday after all, maybe she can get Lanie to buy her lunch. Running on no income, she has to start dipping into her savings. It's enough to live on for a while, at least until she figures out what to do.
She keeps her smile almost cautious as she makes her way down the hallway of the morgue. She can't seem to settle her thoughts like the memories are the angry crowd at a football game whose team just lost. She wishes he was here. He always knew when she just needed that soft, gentle hand on the small of her back, letting her know that there was someone looking out for her. She can feel her throat tingle as the crowd in her mind starts their riot.
She pushes out a frustrated sigh and forcibly stops herself from thinking at all, putting a lockdown on her thoughts of them, and sees the swinging door to the morgue come into view. With a smile, she pushes open the door to the lab and is forced to a dead stop.
Sitting on the examining table is Lanie in a pair of blue scrubs while standing in between her legs is Esposito, moving his hands in circles around her sides as she drapes one arm over his shoulder and the other on his neck, slowly making out like teenagers. Surprised, Beckett raises her brow, smirking despite herself. When she hears Lanie moan and the clear sound of their lips parting, she decides she can't hear any more of it. "Ahem," she clears her throat obtusely.
Esposito and Lanie both separate as they look over to her. Beckett smirks at them, feeling herself fit right back in where she was, catching two of her friends making out after they had supposedly broken up. Esposito just stares back at her over his shoulder with a hazy, puffy lipped look as Lanie squints to see if she's really seeing what she's seeing. "Beckett?" She asks.
Beckett feels a giggle rise up her throat. "Does this mean things have changed since I've been gone or that they haven't, hmm?" She grins at them and crosses her arms.
"Oh, Beckett!" Lanie squeals, pushing Espo out of the way by the shoulder and jumping off the table, jogging over to her. "Oh, girl, come here."
Beckett smiles and hugs her friend in a warm hug, feeling hopeful for the first time since losing everything. It's a reminder to her that there are some things she just can't seem to lose. Lanie seems to be one of them. She can always count on her staying the same. Beckett lets Lanie squeeze her tightly, shake her from side to side, and laugh in her ear. "Ooo, girl," she says and pushes her back by the arms, "you look great."
Beckett smiles a shy smile and brushes her fingers behind her ear. "Don't lie, Lane, I've been wearing the same clothes for over a day now."
The two fall into silence for a moment, Lanie still smiling happily up at her until Beckett looks up to see Esposito still standing near the table, watching the two with a stone-faced expression. Beckett pulls in a breath and sighs, "Hey, Espo." He was always sort of a brother to her.
But surprisingly, Espo just gives her a silent nod then moves his arm out to her to resemble a wave. "Hey," he says in a mumble. "Good to see you."
Beckett's caught off guard by his reaction but decides at the moment not to jump to any conclusions. "So, what's up?" She awkwardly tries to get the conversation going.
Esposito just stares at her, seeming unsure of how to answer without sounding uncivil. As his phone goes off in his pocket, he says "Nothing," plainly and looks away from her as he digs out his phone. The two go silent and Beckett can feel Lanie's eyes on her as she looks over to Esposito with a hurt, confused glare. "It's the Captain," he says, raising his phone in the air. "I've gotta go."
Lanie smiles as Espo makes his way through the lab, stopping at Lanie. "I'll pick up dinner tonight." He says with a smile toward her, glancing in Beckett's direction. "Nice catching up, Beckett."
With a cold, hopeless pang running through her already broken heart, she nods, "Yeah."
"Later, baby." Lanie says as Espo pushes out of the morgue. "So!" Lanie breaks Beckett out of her riptide of emotions with a bright, excited tone. "What are you doing back so soon?" She asks, rubbing her arm for a moment.
Beckett forces a smile and shrugs as she crosses her arms. "I'm not really sure yet, Lane."
"Well, how's the job in DC going?" She asks, unaware.
Beckett cracks her smile before letting it fade from her face, looking down to the linoleum. She has to commit to a lie. She was ordered not to tell anyone. "I resigned from the AG's office yesterday, Lanie."
Lanie's brow raises in surprise, "You did?" Beckett nods, giving her a small smile to make it seem believable. "That's not like you."
"Really? I mean," she chuckles a hollow chuckle, "I resigned from the NYPD before."
Lanie crosses her arms and leans off to the side, "Well, yeah, but you still came back, what..." she shifts her weight, "what made you quit?"
"Just..." she thinks up an answer, "they were more interested in keeping politicians happy than fighting for justice. They dealt in the grey when I'm built for the black and white and I just couldn't take it anymore." She eyes her, putting on a content, albeit tired smile. "So I quit."
Lanie smiles and reaches over to her. "So that mean you're coming back to the Twelfth?"
Her asking that made her smile become too heavy to keep. "Not exactly," she shakes her head. Before she can ask, seeing Lanie's falling expression, she comes out ahead of her, having to commit herself to another lie. "The commissioner told me that they couldn't reinstate me as a homicide detective unless someone resigns." She spitballs, hoping it will stick. "And no other precincts need a homicide detective."
"So," Lanie shakes her head, "what are you gonna do? Do you have any savings?"
"I have enough to keep me going, Lanie."
"So what, you're just gonna wait around in your apartment for something to happen?" Lanie shrugs.
"No," Beckett says, her tone getting heavy as she turns to pace through the lab and away from Lanie, putting a hand on the back of her waist as she pets her frizzy hair back. "I let my cousin Sofie move into my apartment after I left and she and her boyfriend are engaged and don't want to leave." She takes in a breath, forcing it not to shake once she realizes just how much of a wreck her life is. "And I wasn't about to stay there and watch my cousin ruin her life by marrying a guy that cheated on her and won't allow me to say anything."
"So where are you staying?" She asks, sounding honestly worried about her.
Beckett turns back around as she nears Lanie's desk. "I'll stay with my dad for now until I figure something else out." She says with no joy in her voice.
"Well," Lanie starts, shaking her head to herself, "did you want to get some lunch? I have time for a food truck."
"No thanks, I'm not hungry." She says, crossing her arms. It's not she's not hungry, more so just doesn't have the will to keep any food down.
"No, come on," Lanie tries again, "we'll go get some comfort food and I'll catch you up on all the gossip while you've been gone."
She knows there comes a point when she just needs to be alone, and right now, she just wants to be in at home and sit in front of the TV and shut her brain off. "I appreciate the offer, Lane, but uh..." she sighs, looking down to the floor, "I'm just not really up for it. Try again tomorrow?" She asks but doesn't wait for a response and turns toward the door.
Beckett raises her hand and presses against the side. "That's it?" Lanie asks suddenly, bringing her to a stop. "You're not even gonna ask about him?"
Her heart shakes in her throat, terrified, and she presses weakly against the door, seeming it takes all her strength just to get it to crack. "I've gotta go, Lane." She mutters, pushing the door open.
"For eight months, I defended you."
Beckett stops, frozen to her stop holding the door open while Lanie stands behind her near the examining table.
"For eight months, I've been telling them to give you the benefit of the doubt. I've been telling them 'you don't know what happened', 'there's two sides to the story', 'he's her partner', 'she'd never do that to him'. For eight months, I've been telling them to give you a break because we never heard your side. But you show up after this long, no phone call, nothing, and you don't even mention him?"
She finally feels a tear run down her face as she holds the door open.
Lanie scoffs, "Did you even care about him at all?"
"I loved him!" She breaks, stomping around toward Lanie with tears streaming down her face and her aching heart breaking inside of her chest, the dam finally giving way on everything she's held back. "I loved that man with all my heart!" She cries. "Leaving him tore a piece of my heart out, okay? Losing him was the worst thing that's happened to me since I lost my mom, so don't you dare say that I didn't care about him! I loved him!" She sobs.
Lanie remains mostly unphased by her outburst, simply keeping her arms crossed and her lips pursed. "Then tell me it isn't true that you left for DC without even saying goodbye to him."
"It wasn't like that." She continues to cry, her voice trembling.
"So you did?" Lanie nods, continuing to break her apart even further.
A breath gets choked out of her wracking body, her eyes flooded with hot tears. "Lanie, you don't understand..." she cries, her voice barely intelligable.
"Well then, why don't you help me? Because the Beckett I spent eight months defending would want to know how her partner's been since she left. She'd want to know how he's handling it and she'd want to know how to get him back. But you come here and you say all you're gonna do is just sit at home? I don't know what the hell happened to you, Beckett, but I'm starting to think that Javi was right. Maybe you don't deserve him."
At Lanie's harsh, unforgiving, unreserved words, she feels smaller and more broken than the night her mother was murdered.
Tears falling down her cheeks, her face raw with emotion, her lips trembling as she turns backward and falls against the wall, her eyes squeezing shut. She sobs as silently as she can and puts her hands to her face, slowly sliding herself down to the floor, her lungs straining to choke back her sobs. She slides down to the floor and pulls her legs up to her chest, hiding herself in the cove of her lap.
She's lost her job, she's lost her career, she's lost her badge, she's lost her home, she's lost her friends.
But that's not what's killing her. None of those things could repair her after what's happened. What's killing her is she lost the man she loves.
Beckett rests her head down on her knees and wraps her arms around her legs, taking in a loud breath to make her sobbing audible throughout the entire lab. She's never felt more broken in her life. It takes her a moment to tightly squeeze her eyes and raise her head up out of her legs and look up at Lanie, who's looking down at her with much more of an understanding gaze.
"Maybe Javi's right, Lane." She strains. "Maybe I don't deserve him." She admits, her voice tight and emotions still boiling over. "But if that's suppose to mean I have to stop being in love with him, it's not going to work."
Lanie sighs softly, giving Beckett a small nod to show her understanding as Beckett starts to gather her emotions from her place on the floor. Beckett turns back into the cove of her legs and squeezes her eyes shut to try and stop the tears as she hears Lanie come to sit on the floor next to her. "What really happened, Kate?"
Beckett lifts her head again and sniffles in a long breath, resting her mouth on her forearm for a moment. "After the case with Vaughn, Castle and I's relationship started to get rough." She begins in a low, monotone voice, drained of emotion. "We started getting distant. I didn't know if he wanted a future and I couldn't get him to talk about it. So before I knew what was happening, I was offered the job in DC for the AG's office and at first..." she feels another tear leak out, "I really wanted it. I thought it was my big chance to make a real difference. But I decided not to tell him."
"Why not?" Lanie pushes her.
Beckett chuckles darkly and looks down to the floor, still holding her legs to her chest. "I wanted the job more than what my relationship with him was giving me."
She hears Lanie sigh loudly and sees her turn her head away from her out of the corner of her eye, but ignores it. There's not much more anyone can do to make her feel any smaller. "What happened after?"
"After I got back from the interview, I was making us dinner at my place when he found my boarding pass to DC and asked me about it. I had to tell him about the interview and when I did..." she feels another pool of cold tears well up in her eyes, "he got really angry for me not telling him and hiding it from him and he walked out. I tried to get him to talk to me but he said he needed to be alone."
Lanie seems to give her a moment before asking again. "So why'd you leave without saying goodbye?"
Her heart quakes violently inside of her throat as her tears burn. "After I got offered the job, he called and left a voicemail saying that he needed to talk and he needed to talk in person." She says, hearing is angry, dark, unforgiving tone still in her ears. "Lanie, I never heard him sound so angry and dark than I did in that voicemail and I just knew that he..."
When she doesn't continue, Lanie has to press her again. "That he what?"
Beckett sniffles a heavily emotionally congested breath, "That he was breaking up with me." She turns to her with tearful eyes again. "And I just couldn't face that. I couldn't face getting my heart broken so I ran." She admits, feeling small and worthless as she turns back into the cove of her legs.
"And now you're back from DC and you've done what... everything but even mention him?" Lanie points out, seeming to never want to give her a break.
"Lanie..." She sighs emotionally, lifting her head back until she's leaning against the cold metal of the cooler, "don't you think I've wanted to straight to his loft and throw my arms around him again and beg him to give us another shot since the moment I left?" She asks her incredulously. "I still love him, Lanie, but he was breaking up with me."
"Well," Lanie starts again, "if you do plan on going to the loft, you'll be out of luck finding him there." She tells her and stands up, quickly making her way around the slab.
That gets her attention. Enough to get her up off the floor and follow her. "What do you mean?"
Lanie turns around, placing one hand on her hip and the other on the table next to her. "After you left, Esposito and Ryan decided they'd try to get a round on the house as Castle's bar and when they got there, the bartender told them that he was already there and he was down in his office. That's when they found him already well into his own private reserve."
Just like that, all of her emotions are already welling right back up, breaking her down even further. Hearing him drinking himself into oblivion... all because of her own cowardice in not wanting to face him.
"Javi got all he could out of him, telling him that he'd asked you to meet him in person so he could explain everything, but you never showed and how he went to your apartment and used the spare key that you showed him you had hidden away and you'd already packed up."
"Lanie, believe me, I-" She starts to emotionally explain.
But Lanie cuts her off, closing her eyes and waving her hand in front of her. "About a month later, Ryan, at the request of Jenny, went over to the loft to check on him since he hadn't been around since you left. That's where Martha told him that Castle had decided to take an extended vacation for the summer with Alexis."
"Extended, wha..." she thinks, trying to wrap her brain around it. "He left New York?" She asks emotionally. God, please don't let it be true that she drove him out of his home all because she just couldn't face him in person.
But when Lanie gives her a slow, single nod, Beckett's emotions start to boil back up and she has to lean against the table next to her to keep from falling again. "You gonna ask where or do I have to keep prodding to get you to ask?" Hearing that, Beckett looks back up to her and feels her eyes harden. Lanie blinks at her slowly. "I got an email from Alexis a few days ago about her declaring her major as pre-med at OSU."
Beckett's brow pinches, curiosity the only emotion that can clear everything else out. "OSU?"
Lanie breathes slowly, "She told me that her and Castle are happy and that she decided to move out there with him when he told her that he'd bought the lake house they were vacationing in."
"Lanie..." Beckett harshly pleads.
Lanie sighs and turns away from her, "It'd be useless hiding it from you. It's in the tabloids already." She tells her as she moves away from her to the other side of the lab before turning back to face her. "It's a small, suburban town in Oregon called Crestfield."
Her breath gets sucked out of her. "Oregon?" She struggles.
"Mmhmm." Lanie hums with pursed lips. "I figured that would tell you all you need to know about how he feels about all of this."
She drove the man she loves clear to the other side of the country.
To think she walked in here thinking there's no possible way she could lose any more.
A/N: I hope I got the tone for this chapter right. Grammarly decided to put an emoji in the corner and it keeps judging me. Let me know. :)
