A/N: So sorry for the delay in updating. Chapter 6 is already underway, and I promise to get it out quickly. Thanks again to Heather, Stephanie, and Blue for your invaluable guidance. The love for this fic means everything to me. Please keep the reviews coming. THEY ARE MY FAVORITE PART!
Chapter 5:
Harvey's ability to breathe lapses as the last three words from Donna's mouth freeze time and space.
He isn't you.
Such a simple and basic fact. He isn't you. But the gravity of what it implies, the implication of what she is confessing, plunges Harvey into a dizzying state of shock. He reaches back the few inches it takes to brace himself on his desk.
He stares back at Donna with eyes so full of emotion that she can't read them.
"Harvey? Are you… mad?" She takes a half step toward him but stops, fearing his reaction.
"I know this whole mess with Simon and Thomas is my fault," she continues, swallowing and swiping at her eyes. She tries to remain strong and accept accountability. Lifting her chin, she continues.
"You never would have done what you did to try and save Thomas's deal if I hadn't been dating him. Now Alex is fired and you're on the—"
Harvey takes a long stride toward her and places his index finger lightly on her lips. He slides his hand slowly around to her cheek, his large palm engulfing her jaw. His fingers slipping just below her hairline.
Neither moves or speaks as their hearts pound simultaneously in their chests. The silence in the room is so deafening they can almost hear them beating.
A stray tear falls from Donna's eye and Harvey slides his thumb over her cheek to wipe it away.
She knows it's going to happen before he even moves. She can see it in his eyes, feel it in the thrumming of his pulse just under her chin. She closes her eyes and leans in, trusting him more in this moment than she ever had before.
Harvey's lips touch hers... so lightly at first that she almost lets her eyes flutter open again, but then he leans in, deepening the kiss until there is nothing left to question.
He grips Donna's neck and pulls her mouth closer, as he tilts his head and slides his tongue past her swollen lips. A low moan fills the quiet air around them, neither sure which of them the sound is coming from. Donna's knees literally buckle beneath her but she is held up by the arm Harvey had wrapped around her waist. Instead of losing her balance she is swept up and into him as his grip around her tightens.
They fall together in the simplest of metaphors. The outside world disappears. There's nothing and no one but Harvey and Donna. All of his armor, shed. All of her walls, down.
This kiss is nothing like the kiss in the elevator. That kiss was full of lust and need and control. This? This is none of those things. It's surrender, honesty, lo—
"It's about goddamn time." Louis interrupts, walking in unapologetically.
"Jesus Christ, Louis," Harvey growls on a staggered breath. Pulling his mouth from Donna's but not letting go of her.
"Trust me, Harvey. No one wants to see the two of you ride off into the sunset more than me. But this can't wait." Louis says in a tone that causes Donna to take a step back from Harvey.
"What is it?" Donna asks. Her voice husky from the hormones pumping through her bloodstream. She has to focus just to keep from stumbling.
Louis looks from Donna to Harvey and back to Donna, clearly hesitant to spit it out. "I think maybe I should tell Harvey this alone," he answers with a grimace that shows his discomfort.
"Out with it, Louis. Since when do you not include Donna?" Harvey says walking around his desk. Officially giving up on the moment he was about to share with Donna, he tries to hide the erection that had been forming in his pants. Truth be told, he could use a chair at the moment. Donna wasn't the only one with wobbly legs.
Louis looks down as he shuffles his feet and wipes his mouth with his hand. He looks back at Donna and then to Harvey.
"It's Thomas. He's requested an ethics hearing." Louis's eyes meet Donna's but he can't hold her gaze.
"No… He… Why?" Donna stammers as she brings both hands up to her mouth.
Harvey drops his head into his hands but doesn't respond to either of them.
"Harvey? Did you hear me? An ethics hearing." Louis steps closer to Harvey's desk as if maybe that will help his message get through.
"I need to be alone," Harvey says. His voice eerily calm.
"I tried to talk some sense into him, Harvey." Louis ignores his request. "I called him myself but he wouldn't listen. He said you're a dirty lawyer, and he can't let you continue breaking the law."
Harvey doesn't look up or move a muscle.
"He was ranting something about you and Alex and collusion, breaking privilege, I could hardly get a word in. I couldn't figure out what had gotten into him. But now, I think maybe I—"
"Out!" Harvey finally speaks. He doesn't shout, exactly, but there's no mistaking the tone.
Donna is barely keeping herself from dropping to the floor. Tears are streaming down her face now so rapidly she's stopped trying to wipe them away.
"Harvey," she whispers. "I didn't tell him. I swear." She starts to walk toward him, but Louis blocks her path.
"Donna." He places his hand on her shoulder lightly. "Donna," he says again waiting for eye contact. "Let's give him a few minutes."
She looks up at Louis with more pain in her eyes than he can stomach. But she nods, and he leads her out.
…..
Harvey gazes out at the city lights through his office windows trying to process the last few minutes. He has run the gamut of emotions from betrayal and rejection to need and trust. He held Donna in his arms. Kissed her lips. Felt her desire for him on the deepest level. And now he is sitting in his office. Angry and alone.
He wasn't sure what Thomas had on him. Whether there was actual evidence of wrongdoing or just a simple vendetta. Lord knows there are plenty of skeletons in his closet waiting to be let loose. But the one thing he is sure of is why Thomas had done it.
Donna had chosen him. It wasn't the first time she had walked away from a boyfriend for him. Deep down he knew that every failed relationship she had was because of him, even if he had never acknowledged it. But if he had anything to say about it, this time would be the last. She belonged with him. If there had been any shadow of a doubt, it was erased with that kiss.
…
Donna is visibly shaken when she and Louis walk into her office. She nods as he gestures to the decanter and he pours them both a drink.
"Why don't you tell me what's going on, Donna?" He sets her drink down and sits in the chair across from her. "What happened with Thomas?"
Donna takes in a deep breath and lets it out slowly. She focuses on slowing her heart rate and then takes a sip of the hard alcohol, praying it will soothe her nerves.
"Things were going so well," she begins, staring into her drink like a looking glass. "Thomas was everything I ever wanted and it seemed like we might really have a chance at building something together."
"But…," Louis prods while sipping on his own drink.
"The other night, after Harvey and I convinced Samatha to let up on Scottie, she called us both to say thank you. I'm not sure exactly what she said to him, but he came to me, afterward, as I was leaving to meet Thomas." Donna sips on her drink again and waits to see if Louis interjects. When he doesn't, she continues.
"He asked me out for a drink. Said he wanted to talk. About us." She shakes her head. "Can you believe that?" She looks down at her feet. "And right on cue, Thomas walks out of the elevator and that's that. God, Louis. You should have seen the look on Harvey's face."
Donna wipes at her eyes again as fresh tears begin to fall.
Louis reaches for her hand and gives it a gentle squeeze. This is no time for an I told you so but it doesn't stop him from thinking it. He had seen this coming from a mile away and had encouraged her more than once to tell Harvey about Thomas.
"And then what happened?" he asks instead.
"I left with Thomas," Donna sighs and wrings her hands. "And of course, in typical Harvey fashion, the next day he acted as though nothing had happened. He said he was happy for me but it was obvious he was upset. So, that night, I cornered him in the elevator."
"Let me guess, he lashed out? Said a bunch of hurtful things?" Louis asks, shaking his head.
"He kissed me."
Louis's eyes shoot up and so do his eyebrows. "The wild stallion claims his mare," he says with a nod.
"Louis!" Donna gasps as his ridiculous remark.
"What? I have been waiting for this for a long time. I was beginning to think he didn't have it in him," he smiles and takes a sip of his drink. "Please, continue."
Donna shakes her head. "After the kiss in the elevator, we fought. Just like you guessed, he said some terrible things to me. Hurtful, but mostly accurate. He said I only made up my rule to protect myself from him." She looks up questioningly at Louis like she wants his opinion on that accusation.
"Did you?" he asks as if it's the simplest question in the world.
Donna doesn't respond but her eyes betray her. He knows the answer.
"Then what?" He lets her off the hook. "You broke things off with Thomas and he just flipped his lid? Came after Harvey? That seems out of character for him."
"There's more to it than that." Donna sighs. "Simon Lowe was using Thomas as a stalking horse. He was about to screw Thomas out of a huge deal that could ruin the future of his company." Donna's voice and eyes fill with emotion as she's reminded of the look on Thomas's face.
"So you told him." Louis tried to remove any judgment from his tone but fails.
"No, Louis! I didn't tell him. That's just it. He got wind that something was sideways and he asked me to tell him what I knew." Fresh tears build in her eyes. "Instead, I told him I could never betray Harvey's trust. I could never betray Harvey. Period."
Louis nods in understanding. Finally putting all the pieces together. "Donna. Listen to me. Whatever is going on with Thomas and this hearing, we will figure it out. How many times has the firm been over a barrel and found a way to get out of it. We are a kick-ass team and we will figure this out." He lays his hand on hers and gives it a tender pat.
"God, Louis. I hope you're right. But it's not the firm that's in trouble this time. It's Harvey. And it's all my fault."
…..
Before he can talk himself out of it, Harvey picks up the phone and calls Mike.
"Hey," he says simply when Mike answers. "I need your help."
"Is everything okay?" Mike's voice is full of concern from Harvey's simple request.
"No. I'm in some deep shit and I need Robin."
"Spill it, Batman. Whatever you need."
Harvey spends the next 15 minutes catching Mike up on the events of the past couple of days. He leaves out the kiss in the elevator, which Mike knew about anyway, but pretty much comes clean on everything else.
"I need to know what he knows Mike. We need to know what I'm really up against. My instinct is to call his bluff. But if he's not bluffing, it could cost me everything."
"Not everything, Harvey. She chose you. No matter what happens here, don't lose sight of what that means."
He doesn't respond or let on in any way. But those words, and the truth behind them, mean more to Harvey than any he's ever heard. His heart swells as he swallows and nods.
…...
Hours later, Harvey is tossing and turning in his bed, unable to sleep. It's almost midnight and the amount of scotch he's consumed should have been enough to knock him out.
Yet he's lying here wide awake thinking about the kiss he and Donna shared and the meaning of the last thing Mike said to him.
Whatever happens, she had chosen him.
He picks up his phone, for the tenth time tonight, and clicks on his messaging app.
This is not your fault. No matter what happens, I need you to know that.
He hits send before he changes his mind again. Hoping that if she's asleep, his message doesn't wake her.
He sees the bubble pop up right away and knows she's responding. He furrows his brow as butterflies form in his stomach.
It IS my fault, Harvey. I'm so, so sorry.
His finger hovers over the call button and then he sets his phone down. Something definitely shifted between them today and he feels completely ill-equipped to handle it. He rubs his face with both hands and stares at his phone. He wants to call her. To hear her voice...
"Fuck it."
He presses the call button.
"Hey," she answers on the first ring. Her voice soft and resigned.
"Hey," he says back quietly, as he lays down on his bed one arm up over his head.
"Listen, Donna." Harvey pauses, taking a breath and finding his resolve. "This situation is hard enough and I need to be on my A-game. I can't do that if I use all of my energy worrying about you." He closes his eyes, feeling clumsy and awkward. All this time he thought himself smooth.
Donna is touched by his statement and she has trouble formulating a response. Over the years there have only been a few times he's rendered her speechless.
Harvey keeps talking, trying to fill the awkward silence between them.
"I'm not mad, Donna. Not at you. Not even at Thomas, really. I can't blame him for hating me. I hated him too when I thought you'd chosen him." Harvey pauses to take a breath. This kind of honesty is brand new for him. He kind of likes the way it feels. "And if this mess is anyone's fault, Donna, it's mine."
Donna's eyes fill with tears as she is completely taken aback by Harvey's words and the tender tone of his voice. What she really wants to ask is, Do you want to come over? The longing she feels to be close to him is overwhelming her. But old habits die hard, so she pushes past the need and deflects.
"What are you going to do, Harvey?"
"I spoke to Mike tonight. He is going to help me find out what Thomas knows. Before I can figure out the best course of action, I need to know what he has on me."
Donna considers saying that maybe she should talk to Thomas. But she knows Harvey, and she also knows he'd tell her not to. So if she doesn't bring it up, she won't have to go against his wishes.
"Maybe he will drop this whole thing, Harvey. I just… I don't know why he'd do something like this," she wonders, closing her eyes.
Harvey cringes at the pain in her voice.
"People lash out when they're hurt, Donna. If anyone knows that, it's me." Harvey sighs, "Shit. Listen to me. What has Stan done to me?" he says to himself more than her, letting out a dry laugh.
"Stan didn't do it, Harvey. This is who you've always been," she says before she can stop herself.
It's Harvey's turn to be caught off guard. He knows there is so much meaning in what she just said. Donna has always given him more credit than he deserved.
He clears his throat. "Donna, we will get through this."
This entire situation feels like some kind of lucid dream and Donna feels like she can't get her bearings.
"How are you so calm?" she asks, feeling anything but.
It's a fair question. One he has no clue how to answer. He knows his behavior is out of character. He doesn't really understand it himself.
Because I finally know where I'm supposed to be.
"Because I've learned that reacting in anger and letting my emotions control me only hurts the people I care about. I know that Mike and Louis and everyone at the firm stands behind me." Harvey rolls onto his side and props his head up on his elbow, looking out at the city. "And I know now that losing my license doesn't scare me half as much as the thought of losing you."
Donna lets the quiet tears fall. She wants to tell him that she loves him so much more than he could ever understand. That she always has. But not tonight. Not over the phone.
She will tell him right after she fixes this.
They sit in silence for several minutes before Harvey suggests they both get some sleep. Big day tomorrow. When Donna asks if they can keep the line open, fall asleep together, Harvey agrees with a smile and an undeniable tug at his heart.
...
When Donna wakes in the morning, her phone is next to her on the nightstand. Dead. She picks it up and sits on the side of her bed.
The phone call with Harvey last night has her tied in knots. She certainly wasn't used to him being the comforter. He had been so open. So loving. She closes her eyes and thinks about the way he kissed her in his office. They kissed before of course. The other time. The night in her office. The elevator. But this time was different. There was something more. It wasn't just the way he kissed her, but the look in his eyes.
She had known things would get messy when she told Thomas she had feelings for Harvey. She had done it because she couldn't stand to hurt Thomas when she cared so deeply for him. When she knew in her heart that she could never give something to him that belonged to someone else. What she didn't know, never could have predicted, was how Harvey would react. That maybe he really loved her just as much and was finally ready to admit it.
She gets up and plugs her phone in before getting into the shower. She has a lot of work to do today, and it isn't going to be easy.
