CHAPTER 6 – The Melancholy of Eve
When I opened my eyes I was in the darkness. Four walls, sealed, no windows, and I don't even know who I am. All I can tell is that there's a consuming, overwhelming resentment boiling inside and I don't even have the slightest of idea to whom it belonged to. Is it mine? If yes? Why do I have it? What happened?
"You're dead, but you don't have to stay that way." That was what the first person I encounter after a long time had told me.
Furious. Consumed by whatever hatred that's eating me, I tried to attack him but I was stopped. "You will learn how to focus that rage." Then he slapped me. "If you survive."
After that it was days of endless torture. They were breaking me down or rather, they were rebuilding me into some sort of…I don't know. I can't really tell which is which. All my attention were focused on the pain, both physical and what's inside, and how to numb it.
When I did, that's when things start to make sense. Who I am or at least, who I used to be. To whom this body of mine used to belonged to.
I was Juliette Silverton. She had a good life, a loving boyfriend, and a bright future ahead of her. But the world where her boyfriend, Nick, belonged to broke them apart and in the end, she became a monster who turned her back from the people who loved her in the most brutal way.
I spent most hours of my alone time digging through all of those. Her memories. Of what made her, Her. I don't have a foundation of who I am so I needed to draw something from someone and she's the only option I have to at least put a little stability on my identity.
Eve.
That's the name they gave me. This secret organization's little project of creating a weapon against an uprising of monsters like Juliette. Like me.
Wesen.
And in my case, I'm a Hexenbeist.
Eventually, the days of torture had ended as I shaped into the thing they desired. An unfeeling, task-centered weapon who will do everything it takes to get the job done.
It wasn't easy. Not with all the chaos going on from the source in which I draw my current identity. She's dangerous but I'm sure that I can keep things in control as long as I'll only take what I needed and locked all the rest.
Still, it remains uncomfortable if I don't divert my attention from it. Because of what I did to sculpt myself I have all her memories and they're unsettling. Knowing that she had all of that. That she was actually given a chance and she throws it away. What were she thinking?
But then again, looking all through those pains and the burden of carrying it all inside you while being confused and angry and completely out of control. Maybe dying would have been the only end.
Having to face the people from Juliette's life is probably the toughest predicament that I had yet to face especially towards Nick. Truly, he's as gallant and as honorable as I'd seen it through Juliette's memories. It's no wonder that she loved him so much and how understandable it was that her entire world had broken apart when the Wesen world took him away from her.
Something is stirring inside me, something from Juliette. Fuck! I expected that confronting him isn't going to be easy but I failed to account how strongly Juliette feels towards him.
"You want to know what isn't easy?" He said, gaze filled with hatred locked directly at me. "Knowing that you set me up. And that you set up my mother."
I was silent. A part of me wanted to tell him to stop. Stop blaming me of the things I didn't really do. But as much as I want to do that in that moment, I couldn't. Because, whether I recognize it or not, I used to be Juliette and she, I, did those horrible things to him. We betrayed his love, his trust. And looking back I came to realize that despite how destructive and dangerous Juliette was becoming, Nick had actually still held hopes, still put that faith that Juliette won't push as horribly as she did.
But she did. And with that, Nick had also turned his back from her and the Universe arranged that it will be done in a brutally ironic way.
Adalind.
When I found out what had become of their relationship after Juliette's departure I immediately thought that it was some kind of a sick joke.
Her!? Seriously!?
After all the pain she'd cause and knowing that everything that happened to Nick and Juliette were all due to her manipulations that Nick would actually love her!?
I wanted to confront the Universe at that very moment and beat the shit out of him. I might not be Juliette anymore and this matter does concern me but I know the concept of fairness and this one is truly unfair!
Days and weeks then came and go after that night of meeting Nick. I fulfilled my role as the Wall's weapon with the best dedication and precision, not letting anything divert me from it. Well, except for one.
It's just me and the shadows right now but in front of me stood the paint factory where Nick and Adalind currently reside. It's far from the well-furnished house Nick and Juliette used to have. It's small and barren but digging into Juliette's memories, comparing Nick then and now, it is here where Nick is at his most content, eager to head home every night.
Home.
I thought that shouldn't be the appropriate term because Nick is just obligated to be with her because of their kid. But who am I kidding? Seeing how their relationship progressed since I'd began this self-torture, I know that his life is assimilating more and more into her. That it isn't just cohabitation. Not anymore.
Their vulnerabilities and their time together are shaping what they are to each other into something more intimate, romantic, with their child as the link whether they intend it to be or not.
And it hurts. That fact pierce something in my heart and it's devastating, painful.
Wearing Juliette is a necessity. It gives the foundation that I lack and therefore, grant me the ability to function. To be Eve, to be the weapon. However, doing so also puts me vulnerable to experiencing the things that could break her apart, mentally and emotionally. And Nick, and his life that's fading at a terrifying pace away and away from her fell into the category perfectly.
On the other hand, the rational part of myself that's unreached by Juliette's influence, the part that's entirely me, tells me that Nick should have it. That he deserves it. That whatever Juliette might felt about it are of no significance as she had already forfeited whatever say she might have into Nick's life when she betrayed him.
Whatever she might think or want does not matter.
It does not matter to Nick, to his friends, even to her.
What only matter are those that will make Nick happy. Those that could overwrite and undo all the pain Juliette brought.
Adalind and their child fulfilled that perfectly. Thus, it must be kept that way and I probably should start having a stronger control of not minding over the feelings that aren't even my own and to that of a traitor on top of that.
Doing so, I might come closer into making myself whole.
It was easier said than done.
Without a true foundation over my identity, disregarding Juliette is completely impossible. My mind would often respond as if I am her and Nick will always be the trigger.
I couldn't help sighing over such helplessness. Through the months that passed, I thought I'm already better than this. That I'm doing better, that I am closer into completing Eve and casting away Juliette.
But I am not. Juliette is still a huge part of me.
Every time I look at Nick and the life he's building to completion, Juliette would kick in and the torture would begin. It will then take all of the discipline and willpower I polished under HW to not break.
Her scent lies thick on him again. That's an obvious fact, and I would always wonder how she did it, how could she make Nick cast away his former resentment and disgust over her. One possibility I considered is because he would compare her with Juliette.
I have her face but I'm a distant acquaintance. We're not close and we're not even friends, and the last memory he had of Juliette is her giving up on him and killing the last family he has. Someone once said that the last memory is what will define you. Guess it applies here. Juliette was an ending defined as a nightmare but with Adalind, there are still windows to create good memories. That's why it's bearable to sleep with her, make love to her.
"Have you noticed any changes in Adalind?"
"What are you talking about?"
"The suppressant you gave her won't last. And if she becomes a Hexenbeist again, she will not be who you know now."
"Kind of been there, done that." He said, looking at me.
At that moment, I experience a huge blow in my chest. What was just that expression just now? He sounded so detach, distant. Like the end of his life with her didn't just happened a few months ago.
And that wasn't the end of it. I could tell by looking into his eyes that his mind is not into stopping it from happening but to figure it how to make it work when it happen.
A Grimm and a Hexenbeist as a family.
"Then you should be prepared."
And prepare he was – to wage war that is.
With the revelation that Renard collude with Black Claws and them using Diana to take Adalind and their son, he immediately turned Portland upside down.
He's obsessed and mad.
He wanted them back…he wanted her back and he didn't care who he will drag and how many bodies he will lay in his wake.
Reaching its boiling point, bodies are dropping left and right and I could have been one of them if he didn't save me.
However now…
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! What's wrong?" Trubel asked in concern.
Tired of waiting under the tunnels while Nick fight for his life upstairs, Trubel wanted to join him. I stopped her and volunteered to do it instead. However when I tried to woge, I feel apart almost immediately.
"I don't know. Something's in the way."
Trubel held my face and looked at me directly in the eyes. "You're feeling stuff."
"No. I won't go back."
Something changed after Nick healed me and at one point I considered that I'm returning to being Juliette again. That her emotions and persona are emerging and taking me over. But no. Probing better, I realized that it's something else.
Something new.
Something that belonged solely to me.
But I can't deal with that right now. Not while things are still messy and I'm good as useless.
Fortunately, things are heading for the better. Well, at least that's what I wanted to believe.
Bonaparte is dead, Renard killed him, and for some reason, Nick isn't, even after taking three shots in the chest. He's still alive, wild, and determine of getting Adalind and his son back.
But he needed to hurry. All of us has to, actually. Things are messy for us but the same thing applied to Renard as well. In fact, he's in a more difficult situation because of what he did to Bonaparte. He's on a hurry to settle things up and get rid of them so he can pin it all to Nick and take Black Claws off his ass.
The first attempt was a miss though. Using a loophole, Renard got the better of us and he is now is closer to solidifying his position as the new Mayor. However, that also serves as our next opportunity.
Certain of his win, he got confident, arrogant. He let his guard down.
That was his biggest mistake. If there is something anyone should learn after being with Nick for a long time is to never underestimate him and the people that are willing to kill and die for him.
The King, Kenneth, and even Juliette made that mistake and look where they are now – dead.
Lucky for Renard though, he's still Diana's father. Regardless of Nick and Adalind's dislike of him after all that he'd done, they will never deny the girl of her father.
With that, Renard also made history. The first to live after screwing Nick Burkhardt. In the future, he might get to brag about it.
Domestic life didn't suit me.
With Bonaparte dead and Renard defeated, Black Claw is scrambling and disorganized, making it the perfect opportunity for HW to strike.
Trubel regrouped with them but I was laid off. With my current condition, I'm of no help and even if my powers are still at their disposal, they do not need something of that quality to deal with what's left. I mean, in a comparison, no one would use an atomic bomb on a riot.
But that's not the most frustrating part.
After cornering and beating Renard, I was left with nothing to do. So the first thing I did was to make sense of what had happened to me. To make sense of these emerging emotions that overwhelms me. Therefore, I returned to the tunnels to reconnect with that healing stick.
It was a bad idea.
Not only due to the torture I have to endure for days but to recover, I have to live in Nick's loft for the time being.
Talk about odd.
Technically, I'm still Nick's ex and we used to live together for years but right now, I'm sort of crashing in the couch of his new house and cohabitating with him, his new girlfriend, and their children.
I also realized then that literally, I. Am. Homeless.
I have to figure this out! With emotions now in the equation and my duties as a weapon presently laid off, I need to start living like a normal person again and I have to figure out how to do that as soon as possible. And if not, I have to find something that can occupy my attention for the time being.
"Ugh Nick!"
But then, as I lay in bed while staring at the ceiling, I heard a suppressed moan coming from Nick and Adalind's bedroom.
"You're being too loud," Nick whispered.
"Because you're getting too rough," Adalind reprimanded.
My mind numbed for a second, hearing their voices. Are they doing what I think they're doing? I mean, Diana is not here right now – it's Renard's turn – and their son, which is still an infant, won't be much of a bother.
But seriously? This is really happening? Here? Right now? While I'm…?
'Son of a bitch!'
A new crisis loomed over the horizon.
It's bad new but somehow, something like this is what I needed.
It all started with – in Nick's words – a swirling blue tornado and a skull-like dude with green eyes staring right at us.
I asked if we should tell our friends but he suggested that not until we have a better grip of what we just saw especially that it's Monroe's birthday. We don't want to spoil the mood especially if I'll be the cause of it.
Unfortunately, Monroe's birthday didn't turn uneventful as we wanted.
A grudge from the past had returned to haunt Nick and we all got dragged into it. As it turns out, a criminal Nick apprehended years ago was a Cupiditas and his son happened to be a waiter working in the hotel we booked for Monroe's birthday.
Cupiditas are known to be very devoted to their kin and are very vengeful to those they believed had wronged them. To avenge his father, the Cupiditas, Randy Goode, used the Amor de Inferno on us, making our attractions scrambled.
Nick got onto Rosalie, Monroe to me, Adalind to Monroe, Hank to himself, while lastly, Wu, chased after Goode's co-worker.
Meanwhile me, I was set on Nick.
Thankfully, Rosalie, thanks to her pregnancy, didn't get affected by the love potion which was spiked on the champagne and chased after Goode to undo what he did. With the help of Wu, she succeeded.
When it was all over, when the party ends and we now get to go home, I made a self-assessment regarding of what just happened.
As Juliette I used to love Nick and under the effect of the love potion, I thought loving him would feel natural. But when I reassessed my feelings, I found it to not be the case.
The love I felt for him back then was nothing more but the effect of the potion. Nothing of the love originated entirely from me, at least as Eve. As for Juliette, if she's still somewhere in me, I know that regardless how twisted it had become that she will always love Nick.
I am Eve.
With what just happened, that part of my identity is stronger than ever.
Now I understand what the stick did when it healed me, what was it that was introduced to me. It was the pieces that Eve lacks. It was filling the gap that is there in my identity because I was born as a persona instead of an actual person.
Technically, I'm barely a year old but with the nature of my birth and what the people that brought me forth needed from me, I have to immediately adapt to be an adult. That's why I needed Juliette as foundation and why I have to rely to it. And with my life revolving still to the people in her life, separating me from her became next to impossible.
But now that's not the case anymore. The stick gave me the foothold that I desperately needed. The foothold that makes me, Me.
Not as formerly Juliette but simply just Eve.
However, as I made that realization while holding Rosalie's mirror, it happened again. The skull guy and a grip against my neck once again.
After that, the next thing I know is waking up in the hospital with Nick looking after me.
The looming crisis turns out to be the end of world with the skull guy being some sort of a destroyer.
I found these all out after working my ass to cross the world behind the mirror and with Nick following me.
Stupid, stupid, stupid! Why did he have to follow me?
The reason I did all of these is so that none of them will have to. Unlike me, they have lives to look forward to. They have families now, children. They should be living more for them now more than anything else.
And me? I am not worth it for them to risk anything. I might not be Juliette but her blood and her sins lives through me. In a twisted sense, given that I am born from her, technically, I am her daughter. And as a Silverton, I find it my duty to atone for what my family did to theirs especially on Nick's.
"No, no, no. No. Hey! We don't split up. We stay together."
"I don't want to be rescued, Nick. I came here for a reason."
He then made a face that says, 'not this again'. "You can't take on this skull thing alone."
"You have a son. You should be thinking of him."
"You're here because of me. None of this would have happened to you if you hadn't met me."
I am not Juliette and I know that he knows that but at the same time, he couldn't still set me apart from her because he never had any closure when she left. A closure he deserved and a necessity to move forward from now on. "So you think I wanna change that?"
"Yes, I do."
"Well, I don't!" I countered with brutal honesty, giving my piece like I am Juliette. The words she might spoke to Nick if she's here and she sees things that way I did. "A lot of bad things happened to me when all of this started. I didn't understand it. I was scared and angry, and I did a lot of terrible things. Things I can never forgive Juliette for. But I'm not Juliette anymore, Nick. She's gone. There may be a part of me that is like her, but it is not who I am now and it's not who I'm gonna be again. I don't blame you. When we were together, I only knew a part of who you were. You only knew a part of who you were."
"None of us are who we used to be," he said solemnly.
"And that's good," I pressed on.
"You really believe we're better off?"
"I have a strength and a purpose that I never had before," I said, completely wearing Eve this time. "I know you're here because you loved me once, and you feel responsible for the bad things that have happened. But you can't change any of it. And I can't change any of it. And if you could, would you really want to go back to the way things were just to be happy?"
Nick sighed but there's no conflict in his expression. He had moved on from Juliette a long time ago whether he had already realized it or not.
"Happy doesn't interest me anymore, Nick." With what's ahead of me given I survive this crisis, this heart of mine doesn't have the courage to embrace that. "It just gets in the way." Then I continued, "You know, everything that has happened to us, that brought us together, right here, right now, happened for a reason. So I think you're right."
"Right about what?"
"I can't kill Zerstorer alone." I have to return him to Adalind and their son. But with him here and with the fight just around the corner, asking him to not do a thing and flee is like asking the sun to rise from the west. It is better to be with him than against him. "It's gonna take both of us."
He nodded and I believe that's when the final battle happened because the next thing that fills my mind after the life and death battle against Zerstorer is us returning to our world and Nick, seemingly distraught and gleefully relieved seeing all of us alive and okay.
Something else happened in between but he refused to tell us at that moment.
Still, according to him and Diana, Zerstorer is gone and the world is safe.
A year had passed since that final battle and our lives moved forward.
Rosalie gave birth to three boys while Nick and Adalind got married and moved out to a real house from their loft.
As for me, well, like I had already said, the domestic life does not suit me but it can't be helped because I needed to blend in, to have a cover, a place in the society. I was able to return to the Wall but with Black Claw gone, their activities had dwindled down from all-out war to special missions and that's not often. So like standard spies, we live along with everyone at plain sight and luckily for me – if you can call it that – I have Juliette's registries and credentials and using her memories, I have access to them.
I am Eve but in papers I still have to be Juliette Silverton. It's uncomfortable since I don't want anything more related to her that I have to wear. I have her face and the remnant of her life so I guess it's not too much to ask to not to have more of it. But what can I do? It's an order from the higher ups and I have to comply if I want to keep my job.
Anyway, today is a special day. Well, it sort of a ritual at this point but for me it's always a special day whenever it happens where it's probably the only part of my domestic life that I truly look forward to.
Adalind invited me to have lunch with their kids.
To play with Kelly.
The special circumstances of my birth had me skip childhood and initially, it didn't bother me. But since completing my transition around half a year ago and completely parting with Juliette's persona, the domestic life will sometimes emerge the urge to make up to all that I'd missed especially to the childhood I literally never had. And in this particular matter, I developed a particular fancy to Nick's son, Kelly.
I could still remember that day. It was around three weeks after our return from the mirror dimension. Nick got into a Wesen-related case where a particular potion is needed. We want to give Rosalie some slack due to her condition so the potioneering duties landed on me and Adalind.
We were occupied by the task, following the instructions to do this and that, mix this with this. We do talk about something outside the task from time to time but for the most part, it's the business at hand
It was just her and me and Kelly who's sleeping in his playpen. We were occupied on the task, having small talks and quick snacks every now and then. Like that, hours expire and we were nearly done.
But then, we suddenly hear a noisy cry and realize that their son had woken up.
Adalind sighed. "Peace time's over," she says and headed to his playpen. Kelly immediately holds out his arms to be lifted. Adalind lifted him and rock him in her arms.
Back then, I considered the situation as nothing more than Adalind laying off for the time being to tend for her little boy. But out of nowhere, she looked at me and said, "Hey, you wanna hold him?"
Startled, I nearly jumped from where I stood when she offered me that. But beside that, I realized that I do. It's been a while since Kelly was born. Nick and I had settled a lot of loose ends from the past and gave each other our much needed closures. But if there's one thing that Nick will remain hesitant to ever share with me, it will be his son.
It's not a matter of trust but rather, a matter of parental instinct. It doesn't matter if Nick had moved on from Juliette or if he trusted me or not. No parent will ever entrust their children to a person that once upon a time had been a threat to them.
It's insulting but I can't blame him.
Regardless of what I do and what I will become, that stain in my existence will never disappear.
"Uhm…wh-why all of the sudden?" I stuttered.
"I just realized that among our circle of friends you're the only one who haven't held or carried Kelly yet," she explained, then annoyingly added, rolling her eyes, "Hell, even Sean did."
I nodded and with shaky hands, slowly slide my hands around him and took her from Adalind, holding him close to me. My heart was beating so fast as if a band is marching inside my chest. I'd fought the worst scums in the planet and even the devil himself but this the first time I'd been so nervous in my life.
He babbled around his pacifier before staring intently at me. Then he laughed and the pacifier fell from his mouth. I caught it before it could fall to the floor.
"Kelly," Adalind called and the little child turned to his mother. "This is mommy's friend, Eve."
Kelly turned to me again and stared with those big baby eyes. He has Nick's eyes and Adalind's smile. He smiled and hold onto my shirt, his expression as if saying – take care of me, okay.
'I will,' I replied by smiling back.
"Say hello," Adalind instructed next.
He giggled and lifted his hands to pat my cheeks. "Hehehe, Eeevaa!
Both Adalind and I instantly froze. "Is he already talking?" I asked Adalind.
"No!" Adalind replied immediately.
"Eeeeevaaaa!" Kelly repeated. "Eva!"
After that, Nick and Adalind didn't talk to me for a few days. I earned their ire because the first word that their son spoke was not 'mama' or 'dada' but my name. I didn't mind though because that's probably the happiest moment of my life.
For the first time, someone saw me as just me. As Eve. Trusted and hold me as Eve, as me. Not as formerly Juliette or anything, just me.
Something exploded inside me during that moment. A familiar feeling. The same as when Nick used the stick on me – a piece to my identity.
When Kelly looked at me, hold me, and spoke my name, Eve becomes complete. She can now stand on her own without relying to Juliette. I am me, simply me, and the one that completes me was Kelly.
From that day on, I swore to all the gods and devils and I will dedicate my life for that kid. I will protect him so he can always smile like that. As long as I live, no harm will ever come his way.
From then on too, I would often volunteer to babysit their children especially that Rosalie and Monroe are becoming more and more inaccessible as Rosalie's pregnancy progresses. I would also grab any opportunity to bond with them without hesitation.
"How could you do that to Juliette, I thought you're decent guy!"
Nick was in a middle of an argument outside the restaurant when I arrived. It was a blonde woman whom I also recognize.
It was Ricki, one of Juliette's friends.
Though we never care to bother regarding it, a rumor had actually circulated for a while between the people that knew Nick and Juliette after that stand-off at the precinct two years ago. And obviously, they all assumed that Nick purposely cheated on Juliette that got Adalind pregnant.
Juliette's friends were of course furious especially that she disappeared afterwards without a word. They don't know and can't know the whole story so Nick shouldered all the blames. Another addition to the long list of things I have to atone in Juliette's behalf.
I rushed to them especially when I recognize that Ricki is about to slap Nick and Nick will just let her.
*PACK!* I caught her wrist just in the nick of time.
Ricki looked at me and gasped in surprise. "Juliette?"
"I think it's improper to assume if you don't know anything," I said, glaring at her.
"Ju-Juliette," she stuttered, glancing between me and Nick. "But he…what's going on?"
"What's going on is that we didn't work," I started, dropping her wrist. "He found someone else, I didn't react well, and it's none of your business."
"Eev…uhm, Juliette, what are you doing here?" Nick asked.
I turned to Nick, "Adalind invited me," I said with a smile. "And I have to babysit tonight because you two have a date."
"We have?"
'You have now.' I replied inwardly and began to drag him to get inside, leaving the confused Ricki outside.
"What happened?" Adalind worriedly asked Nick. "And who was that?"
"Someone from the previous lifetime," it was me who answered, then reassured here, "Don't worry I took care of it."
"What took you long?" Adalind asked me as Nick and I sat.
I placed on top of the table the paper bag I was carrying and pulled out two toys. A witch doll for Diana and a witch stuff toy for Kelly. "Bought something first for the kids," I said. "Here you go."
"Thank you," Diana smiled while Kelly squealed in delight upon hugging his stuff witch.
Smiled back to the two children but focusing on Kelly, I couldn't feel more content by seeing him happy.
Unfortunately, the good days had come to an end.
With a broken heart, I have to leave.
The remnants of Black Claw are now wearing new faces and bringing newer threats. The world needed the protection of the Wall again and I, as their best weapon, must spearhead the charge.
The day I said goodbye, it took all willpower not to cry and beyond that to not turn and run back especially when Kelly cried, extending his arms in the intention of stopping me from leaving.
I forgot how I survived that day or the day after that. I probably just numbed my heart like what I had done during the beginning. To be distant and unfeeling so I can be efficient while escaping the pain. But, there's never a day where I didn't dream of returning. To Nick and his family and our friends. I woke up every day and fulfill whatever it is to be done for that reason alone.
Then, it happened. Three years later, the remnants of Black Claw launched their all-out attack all over the world. Many cities were devastated by this organized terrorist attack but the one that was devastated the most was the last place I would expect.
It was Portland.
When I learned of this, I immediately get into the details as there's no way that Black Claw could inflict this much damage with Nick around. But when the report came I discovered that the devastation of Portland was not caused by Black Claw.
It was Kelly's doing.
On that day, under the threat of Black Claw, Kelly's Zauberbeist nature awakened. A power that can destroy the world and its first victim was Portland.
My heart could not rest after finding this out. So using whatever authority I have over the Wall, I insisted to be reassigned back to Portland under the reason that I must look after the child that could bring the apocalypse. My request was granted but knowing the true reason of Kelly's outburst I feel like I lost every right to see him again.
I left because I wanted to protect him but in the end the only thing my decision did was break his heart. The tears he shred that day when I left and I thought I was doing something good for him.
Three years and all I accomplish was to fail him. What right do I have to see him again?
So I didn't reveal myself when I returned to Portland. I remain hidden and look after him and his family from the shadows and it remained as such for nearly 6 years until I couldn't bear it anymore.
I greeted him a Happy Birthday that day and for the first time in 9 years, I was able to smile again.
For the following years that came by, as I grow in age, alone. I started to question if I truly have the resolve to live up to what I said to Nick back then before our final confrontation with Zerstorer. If happy truly doesn't interest me any longer, because barely a year after that, it doesn't seem the case anymore.
Guess I shouldn't have finalized something when I myself wasn't even complete back then. Partial-Eve is a completely different person to Complete-Eve, and Complete-Eve wants different things.
But what is it that I truly want? My heart is searching for something but I don't know what it is but I am certain that it is just right in front of me and I'm simply failing to recognize it.
Then it happened. When that damned Cronosian reverted this body to its teens. My heart, for the first time, beats for someone and it was towards the man that I once held as a child.
Kelly.
No no no no no no!
No, I can't! I shouldn't!
Not only that it will be overly complicated due to my complex history with his family but Nick and Adalind will also kill me for it.
I tried to make my distance, to put boundaries, but I, and everyone else, had found ourselves powerless against his insistence.
And tonight, he is destroying my last line of defense.
"Kelly, no! Stop!" Pinned against the wall, I would exclaim whenever his lips freed mine.
"Then you should resist properly if you don't want the next thing to happen," he said mischievously.
"Young man, I'm serious!"
"So am I!"
"Kelly, please," I begged. "I can't…we can't do this."
"Why not?" He retorted. "I love you, Eve and I know you feel the same way. So why can't we hold onto it?"
"It's complicated!" I reasoned. "This is complicated!"
"Excuses!" He snapped. "You're making the same bullshits your mother did when she was still with my dad. Finding excuses because she's afraid. I thought you said you didn't want to be like her or are all those just talk?"
"I am not her!" I snapped back angrily. "I will never be like her!"
A huge grin spread across his face and his lips pressed against mine again. This time, I didn't resist.
Our tongues intertwined and unlike me whose experience is only through Juliette's memories and that one time when I pretended to be Renard, Kelly was more experienced. I would know because I couldn't count how many had I fumed with raging jealousy whenever I see he gets himself a new girlfriend.
His hands then moved to my shirt where he didn't just took it off but ripped it apart. Then he began leaving behind marks all over my bare flesh as if he was conquering me.
"Ouch!"
I felt a great deal of pain as if an untamed animal was biting me, but I endured as such pain was only a prologue.
The time was two in the morning. When the moon was at its highest and when people would be at their most vulnerable mindset. The bedroom of my apartment became stained with the odd heat and wetness of us trying to fill a void.
It was the second time that Kelly made me earn the ire of his parents. First was when he spoke my name as his first word and now because he's dating me and its worse this time. Fortunately though, through gradual and determined coaxing, we were able to make his parents and our friends approve of us. After all, all of them had known long before the true nature of my birth. Of how I am not that much older than Kelly and how Juliette gave birth to me but didn't just spill me out of her body.
We made it work. Kelly's determination had made it impossible not to. But falling in love with him had also brought upon some serious consequences, at least on my part.
Because of who I am and who I used to be and the things she'd done, I am living in fear every day that one morning might come and the past and all the bitterness and resentment will come back and haunt us.
Kelly can make it through. Like his old man, I know he could. But I am certain that I can't. Not with the weight of our sins weighed upon me.
I would wake up every day disgusted of myself, seeing myself as someone unfit to be loved, uncomfortable under my skin.
Regardless of who I really am, the reality remains that I used to be Juliette and she and the crimes she'd committed lives on through me. I am the living testament of how Juliette hurt Nick and his family and even threatened Kelly's life.
No one of them looks at me that way but I fear every day that one day they will. Even if it's just from one of them and even if it only happened for a moment, I know that I wouldn't be able to handle it. It will break my heart and I will be drowned in despair.
I want it all to disappear. I want the past to be erased. Now I understand what Nick had felt back then when he followed me to the mirror dimension. Changing the past is a very tempting idea. To right the wrong and erase all the pain.
Day after day, these thoughts would deteriorate my spirit and my only comfort is Kelly.
It didn't help too when that paranormal incident that the Nick and Adalind of 2011 visited 2031. All of them see the younger versions of their loved ones but for me, all I can see were Juliette's mistakes waiting to happen. Nick, that dreamy man whose heart she'd broken.
Then the moment I'd been fearing happened. One of them sees me as Juliette again. And it was Nick.
I guess I should have expected this from the moment that I dated Kelly. To where relationship counts, I guess Nick will find it hard to separate me from Juliette especially that it's with his son. He will doubt me, doubt me if I wouldn't be like her.
I know the whole story after all. Know how Juliette disappointed Nick again and again. How Nick's love was always not enough for her.
The fear is mutual. There's still a lifetime ahead of me and I always fear the possibility that one day I will be like her. That I might hurt Kelly the way she'd hurt Nick because I used to be her.
AHHHHHHH!
I grabbed the first thing I can get my hands on and throw it towards the mirror, the mirror that reflects Juliette instead of me. "I'm not gonna rot cleaning up your mess! One day, one day I'm gonna find a way to completely get rid of you," I said with conviction. "You'll be gone from my life, from their lives. I'm gonna erase you one way or another!"
Then, my body collapsed to the floor and I began to cry. At that moment, Juliette's image from the mirror reappeared beside me and asked me worriedly. "Eve, what's wrong?"
Sobbing, I looked up and gazed at her face. My darkest secret that I never told anyone even Kelly.
Juliette is still alive and she'd been with me for the past 10 years.
