CHAPTER 7 – Juliette's New Hope
The moment I woke up, I was already in this place.
All the pain, all the mistakes, the regrets, shame, and resentments – I am damned to relive them over and over again.
Not drinking that suppressant, betraying Nick, turning down his proposal, not telling him what I was becoming.
Not trusting him at all.
Every day it is displayed to me with great clarity what future we could have had if I had chosen differently in all of those circumstances. If I had agreed to marry him and if I had told him that I was becoming a Hexenbeist. If any one of those I had picked the other option, we could have had a better future – a future where we are together.
A family and Happy.
But now, none of those will ever be a reality.
I know that I'd died when Trubel plunged those bolts through my chest and it was Nick's face that I see one final time.
And I am in hell. A place where I will relive all my regrets again and again for eternity.
And I guess I deserve this. Without all the anger and manipulation clouding my judgment, I can now see all that happened in a new light. Of how I had been self-centered. Of how I didn't give the people I love the time they needed to figure things out. And even when they were helping me that I throw it all away.
I did something unforgivable. I wanted to hurt him, them, and I succeeded. But the pain and anger remain. It didn't go away, it just intensify.
It was a wishful thinking back then to believe that hurting him, bringing him pain that it will erase mine. Because I know that as so long as both of us breathe in the same world, knowing that the other was just on the other side somewhere, we will continually bring pain to each another.
It can only be him gone or me.
And I succeeded on that too. I am here now. Nick and I could no longer live in the same world. One of us is gone and the other will move forward.
This is what I wanted and it is here.
So why does it still hurt so much.
Because whether I admit it or not, beyond all the pain and anger I still love him. That it is something that will never go away. That the reason why this is my personal hell – the many possibilities of what our lives together could have been – is because of that.
The possibilities I've thrown away.
Between the nightmares, I would sometimes wonder how is he now. Did my death sadden him? Maybe for a little while, it is him after all.
And what is his life now?
No! I can't go there not unless I wanted to let go the last grip I have over my sanity.
I know it's selfish and I have no right whatsoever over it now but it's the final glimmer of peace I have. If Nick is unhappy then I will just add it to the list of my burdens. But what if he isn't? And what if he's creating a future with her?
They are going to have a child together so that possibility is not zero but I can't have myself entertain that regardless of how improbable that is.
Because if that happened, it means she won.
After everything she set in motion. After all the damage he brought to Nick and I until nothing's left that she'll be the one that gets to be happy in the end, having a future with him.
No, I can't have that! Anything but that! The world can't be that cruel!
This hell, the regrets I have, the wrong choices I made was all because she was in our lives. If Nick never knew her, if Sean never brought her to Nick's life, our lives wouldn't have headed to this direction.
It was all her fault so that will never happen. It just can't.
From then on, my nightmare becomes nothing compared to that thought.
That out there, after Adalind ruined me, ruined my life with Nick, that she'll get to have him and the future it promises. That it will be her that will live all these opportunities that Nick and I would've have.
Then one day, she came.
For only God knows how long that I'd stayed here, I'd had my suspicions regarding this place and the nature of my death and piece together a fact that…
I might not be dead yet.
Well, I am gone. My soul or whatever this 'me' is called is no longer the one in charge of my body but my body might still be alive and breathing while I'm stuck in this some sort of limbo.
How I figured that out?
It's because I could sense her.
Whoever it is that's currently in charge of my body, I could sense her life. And from time to time, her emotions or rather, her lack of it, as well.
I can't tell entirely what kind of a person she is based on what little I know about her but I have the impression that she's someone that's resolved and certain. She controls her fate regardless of whatever it throws her way. To define simpler – she's everything I wished I had been when I was still alive and with Nick.
If only I had her courage to face the future despite the uncertainties. To face reality despite how ugly it is. To have the conviction to held onto hope instead of surrendering to despair.
If I had been her, I would not have been here. Miserable, living in regrets, and alone.
"So I did felt it correctly," she said. "You've woken up. Though it could have been better if you've remained asleep."
"Who are you?" I asked. She has my face but there are only few of me that's a part of her.
"I'm Eve," she replied. "And you're Juliette."
"What are you?" I asked next. "And where am I?"
"I'm not sure myself but I came into being after you were shut down. I guess your Hexenbeist is not ready to die yet but does not want you to keep steering the wheels. So I guess it created me as a plan B. As for this place, this is a dream world. It can either be a torture of your own making or the opposite. Entirely depends on you."
"How do I get out of here? I need to get out!" Now that I'm certain that my body still lives, I have the chance to return.
"What are you going to do if you get out?"
I intend to reply but my voice trailed off, "I…" and found myself unable to answer.
If I get out of here, what would I do then? Return to Nick? Apologize? Atone? Make amends?
Do I even deserve any of that?
And whether he will forgive me or not, what then? We will never return to what we used to be. Even if he did forgive me, he will never welcome me back to his life and the same is true to his friends.
He will give me the same verdict – 'Get out!'
From his life, from everything.
"I will tell you this right now," Eve began. "Nothing is waiting for you outside. Not even hatred. And, as unappealing this place is right now, if you let go of all of the bad, this place can be a paradise you can enjoy until the day that you and I truly leave from this world."
That being the case, I might truly be happier if I stayed here. But, that's not what I want. Once I let go, I will just be forgetting. There will be no true resolution. Just a matter of giving up…again.
I will just be taking again the same path that brought me here. If I truly want to find peace, I know that I can only accomplish that by truly facing the consequences of the things I'd done. Face what my actions had ruined.
I won't find that here.
Truly, Nick and my former friends will never welcome me back. But only by facing them again, live the consequences of my sins, it is only then that I can reclaim the woman I used to be. The woman I'd given up. Only then can I move forward and live the paradise or hell of the future that awaits me.
That's why I have to get out. I can't accomplish that from here. I have to get out to do that.
Getting out didn't happen right away. It took time and a lot of convincing.
Eve remained resolute that staying here is what's best for me but I insisted.
I insisted and insisted again and again.
I even reshaped the dream world into the paradise she talks about but I had still insisted that to truly move forward, the only option, the only right thing to do, is still to face the world outside.
Finally, she agreed but the arrangement was not earning back control over my body or even sharing it with her. I will return as a mere consciousness. An accumulated cluster of thoughts that is there but without a body. A 'ghost' for a more convenient term.
I will be beside her, always. See what she sees and even more but only within a restricted distance. My feelings, my wants, and wishes, will not bring any impact into the world not unless I channel it through Eve, given that she will agree.
"Where are we?"
The first day she let me out, we were in the front gate of an estate that cradles a huge mansion. I'd been in an overly fancy residence before when I worked with the Royals but that place can't hold a candle, both in size and aesthetic, to this place.
"And why are we here?"
"You'll find out soon," was all she told me. "Here's a thing, this place is highly secured. I can't get in without them knowing that I'm around, so I will need you to do that for me." Eve instructed then instructed further, "The distance from here to inside of their house is within the allowed range. All you have to do is check on them, what they are doing? Are they well? Is there any problem? Gather all of that and then you report back to me."
Wait the minute…Did she only just let me out for this reason?
To be her untraceable spy.
I know her job for the government agency that monitors Wesen activities but for her to take advantage of my condition this way?
"I'm not taking advantage of you," she countered. "You'll know once you meet them. You want to do your 'quest to peace' thingy. Well, this is the first step."
I was not convinced but I still did what she asked.
Well, who could these people be?
Except that they're filthy rich, they're the 'husband-wife with a kid per gender' standard arrangement of a family as far as I could tell.
The husband is named Nate, a government official while the wife, Andrea, is a lawyer. Their daughter, the eldest child, her name is Darlene, is around 12 or 13, and the son, Kyle, is 5.
They're a loving family. Over the months that Eve made me sneak in and watched after them, I witness how devoted of a father and a husband Nate is and Andrea is the perfect embodiment of a wife and mother. Their children are well-mannered and cheerful and loved their parents very much.
R-18, another notable thing that I unwittingly recognize between Nate and Andrea is how much they desire one another. I would often get the misfortune of catching them having sex outside their bedroom and in broad daylight whenever their children are not around. There was even one time when Nate arrived home early from work and found his wife doing some study in the library. Andrea was leaning forward to return books to the shelves when Nate gave her a look-over, checked her ass, and with a pounce, did her then and there. Andrea didn't resist and even did the best she could to equally respond to her husband's affection.
Of course, I had left immediately as always as it's not only perverted but extremely rude to peep onto a couple during their intimate times.
All in all, they're a family that an onlooker would distinguish as perfect.
However, over the course of the months that I'd uninvitedly mingled with them, I would sometimes experience an unexplained pang in my chest whenever I look at them. Eve is also acting strangely.
Going back during Day 1 of my freedom, she told me that I would know these people once I see them but all I see were strangers. Then when I returned to her, she said, "You don't recognize them?"
I shook my head in reply. "No. Should I?"
Then she asked for their names which I answered: Nate, Andrea, Darlene, and Kyle.
Then it gets weirder when she did this next, "Alright, I'm gonna try something – Andrea! What did I just said?"
"You said Andrea," I replied.
"How about now? Andrea! Nate! Darlene! Kyle!"
"Why do you keep saying their names?"
Eve's eyes flashed an amused glint. "Whoa! This is interesting."
"What's interesting?!" I snapped. "Also, can you tell me now who are they? You said I'm supposed to know them but I don't, so who are they?"
"If you don't really recognize them then let's just keep it that way," she said. "Regardless, looking after them is my mission."
Eve refused to tell me anything after that.
They weren't Eve's only assignment though. From time to time, the Wall would summon her to other areas in Portland for a different mission. Some are also surveillance but the majority are for capture or assassination. During these times, Eve's demeanor would always take a 180 degrees turn. With Nate and his family, Eve is zealous and motivated but with the rest, she would just be cold, precise, and eager to finish it off.
From then on, I would often ponder what is Eve's relationship with these people and why are they special.
It remained unanswered over the months that come but one day, the fantasy decided to disappear and I was thrown to the soul crushing truth.
It was November – Thanksgiving Day.
Nate and his family prepared a feast for their family and friends and initially, nothing was out of the ordinary. But when all of their guests arrived, the layers that shield me from reality were peeled one after another.
It started with a couple with three children. The husband is Nate's bestfriend and a vegetarian, holiday enthusiast while his wife is an outstanding tea brewer. The next to arrive were Nate's friends, 2 cops. One was of Asian descent while the other was an African-American. Then, the last piece – Nate's female cousin, a troublemaking looking girl.
Suddenly, I remembered the night when a certain girl plunged two bolts to my chest and the appearance of Nate's cousin began to match the identity of that girl.
The one who killed me – Trubel.
After that, everything else fell like a dominos. Their faces started to shift into ones that are very familiar to me. The two cops are Hank and Wu. The couple with three kids are Monroe and Rosalie. And then, Nate and Andrea…
I staggered back and stared at them in horror. All these times, the happy family that I had been watching over was theirs. Back to that first day too, when Eve keeps saying Nate and Andrea's names, it was actually theirs that she's been saying but I have been perceiving it differently.
"Nick? Adalind?" I spoke their names as I reminisced all the things I'd seen in this house over the past months. Every kiss and every 'I love you' they shared. Their intimate times and…
"Mommy." Their 5-year old son stood beside Adalind and pulled the hem of her shirt.
"Yes Kelly?" Adalind said, carrying him to her arms.
'NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!'
I squeezed my head and cried as I fell to my knees and at that same moment, I heard Eve's voice. She communicated through our link. "Guess the lie is over," she said. "I didn't expect it to take this long though."
Now I understand what truly happened during the first day. Back then, Eve wanted me to see Nick and his family. To my journey to seeking peace, he's the crucial first step. But then, by some supernatural defense mechanism, I'd perceived their identities differently.
"You…you knew?" Eve realized this but had preferred to keep me in the dark.
"I regarded it that you're not ready yet."
I slowly raise my head to directly stare at the reality that I subconsciously deny to admit. The reality that tormented me a thousand times more than the hell I lived through every day. "Nick, how could he? How could…?" How could he love her? After everything she did! After what she'd done to me, to us!
"How could he not?" Eve retorted in a mocking tone. "When you turn your back from them, betrayed them, betrayed Nick, when you gave up on them, you did it quite easily. What makes you think Nick can't do the same?"
"No," I sobbed, my heart shattered to million pieces.
"Like I told from the very beginning, nothing is waiting for you here. Not even hatred."
She said then our link was cut. At the same time, Adalind's phone rang. When she saw the name of the caller, she excitedly called everyone.
"Guys, it's Eve!" She announced and answered the call in loudspeaker mode. Everyone stood quickly and squeezed themselves as close as they can to Adalind.
"Hey Eve!" "Eve!"
"Hey guys, how are you?"
I was stunned at this sudden development. Eve had told me everything from my body's resurrection, her birth, and how Hadrian's Wall turned her into an agent, a weapon. But, she never told me anything about introducing herself into Nick and his loved ones' lives.
And judging from their smiles and their longing for her, an expression they only make towards friends they considered family, Eve is a dear friend of theirs, including to Adalind.
"It's been years, when are you coming home?"
"Yeah," Trubel agreed. "The Wall is not telling anyone where they assigned you but hey, I think it won't hurt if you give us a visit."
"I'll see what I can do but for now, my current mission is a little complex to give a status: unattended."
There's sadness, longing, and then happiness that she's connecting with them again in Eve. I can tell because I can feel it from her.
As heart crushing as it was, I eventually manage to re-gather myself and confronted Eve. But, when I returned to her side, she's not in a much better condition than I am emotionally. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are damp, her hands are still squeezing at the phone that had ended its call for a while now.
I could tell that there's nothing more that she wants in this world than to be with the people inside Nick's home. Yes, including Adalind.
But something is stopping her and I have an idea what.
Disappointment.
She thinks she let them all down at one point and thus, believes that she's undeserving to be with them.
And I think I also know the reason: she doesn't want them to see her as me.
She's afraid that every time she let them down, they will see her more as Juliette than Eve. She's afraid that they will reject her someday because she used to be me.
"You can't find peace and move forward by just accepting the past," she said to me after pushing down her getting out of control emotions. "You must accept the present too."
She told me that her intention back in Day 1 was to show me Nick's life now. To accept that this is the life my departure had created for him. That as soul crushing I might find it, Nick belongs to Adalind now and she succeeded in all the aspects where I'd failed.
However, that supernatural defense mechanism happened and I perceived them as different people. It's probably the side of me who's still insisting to deny reality. I saw them in love and happy but I don't want it to be them.
"So you can let it go as well," she said next. "Burn the image of their lives and embrace it, then free it. So that you can find a new reason to live."
"Is that what you did?" I stuttered.
She nodded weakly, "And I'm trying to live up with that. I'm not doing well so far."
I can't pinpoint what it is I'm currently feeling. But all of a sudden, seeing Eve cry, I was nearly not minding the painful reality that just punched me earlier. Instead, I am finding myself focusing on her, musing how I can make her feel better.
Our arrangement remained the same even after that night. As much as it hurts, I confront the reality every day that Nick and all the people I once held dear are now living their lives without me. That Juliette is nothing but a part of their history now, a history that had long since passed.
Years then come and go and Eve maintained the life of watching over Nick and his family from the shadows.
I, on the other hand, had threaded the path of moving on though slowly. And recently, I believe I've been doing well.
More and more, I am getting more detached from the life I left. Following Eve's advice, I search for a new reason to live and every time I acknowledge that, all I can think of is the one who advised it – Eve.
It took me a few years before realizing it but since seeing her cry that night, I had been acting like a mother to her. They were simple gestures at first, like convincing her to eat, reminding her not neglect her health, down to convincing her to wear prettier clothes.
Gradually, I started to think of her happiness. She's lonely and alone and I don't know how many times I tried convincing her to return to Nick and their friends. But she won't budge. Instead of returning to them and be happy, she instead buried herself to work, hunting Black Claw 'til the very final member as her way of redemption.
I thought the day she will be convince will never come but today, when she did another spontaneous call to Adalind, Adalind told her that tomorrow is her son's birthday and said that he will be happy to see her again.
I felt that Eve's heartbeat skipped a beat upon the mention of Nick and Adalind's son. "Would he really be happy to see me?" Eve's shaky voice asked.
"Of course, it's been 9 years Eve. Kelly can't remember you clearly now, I'll admit that but he still treasures every toy you gave him and whenever I asked why he's still holding on to them, he would always reply that because it was given to him by someone very dear to him. Eve, he misses you. Don't deny him the happiness of seeing you again."
Eve hesitated but I could tell that she barely has any resistance at this point especially when, "Mom, I'm ready," she heard his voice from the other line.
"Alright honey, I'll be right there," Adalind said to him, then returned to Eve, "Please Eve, can you make it?"
"Yes, I will be there tomorrow."
As it turns out, my assumption had been wrong all these times. Eve wasn't afraid of disappointing them. She was afraid of disappointing him, Nick and Adalind's son, Kelly.
If there's someone who could equal Nick and Adalind's love for him, it would be Eve.
That boy is everything to her. Her self-exile and all these punishments she inflict to herself was entirely due to that she could not protect his smile. Kelly had been heartbroken twice and she blamed herself for it.
"You're really fond of Nick's son," I commented.
"The sole reason I live is to protect his happiness," she admitted wholeheartedly. "After failing him, I no longer have any right to be part of his life but once, just this once, I want to see him smile at me again."
"Eve, you can't continue living like this," I said. "They're all waiting for you."
I no longer have a place in their lives but Eve has and her happiness lies there. So I couldn't just stand and watch as she let her happiness slip by.
I can't let her make the same mistakes I did when I let a lot of opportunities to be happy walk away.
"Loving someone is putting them at risk of you hurting them," she said. "This body had done enough wrong to Kelly. I don't want to fill another blank space underneath that long list."
"Don't you think he's worth the risk?" I retaliated. "See it this way – it takes 3 strikes to be out. You only got two. There's still one left. A final shot to be part of his life."
I don't know if she'd regarded my words or not but after attending Kelly's 10th birthday, Eve gradually become more reachable over the succeeding years and I could not be happier of finally seeing her smile.
At the same, I also realized something. Her feelings for that kid. It's not motherly, I could tell. Well, how should I say this, it's not romantic but its close as it originate from Eve's true form. Not the robotic woman who was forced to grow up or the other one who is unsure of herself but from the 10 year old girl who should have been her if she weren't just born by taking over my body.
Once again, I enlist another sin I inflicted to my child. In a 'what-if' world, maybe if Nick had left me back then when Marie told him to, I might have found someone else after he left while he, on the other hand, had eventually make it work in Adalind. They will have Kelly while I will have Eve and those two will grow up and someday fall in love.
That would have been the perfect life for Eve.
However, because Nick and I held onto something that is bound to fall apart, my child now is suffering. Back then, if he was unwilling, I myself should have made the stand.
If there's just a way that I could rewrite the past, I would do it where Eve is free.
If only…
Then one day, after 4 years since I realize it, something happened that somehow ease that worries of mine for Eve.
In a high-level assignment where Eve partnered with Trubel to eliminate the Wesen called Cronosian, Eve was severely injured by the Wesen and as a result, our body was reverted back to its teens.
Alongside this, it was also revealed that Kelly also held a romantic feeling towards Eve and this incident removed his final inhibition toward the woman who once upon a time, could have been his mother.
I was the happiest when that happened. Finally, my daughter is free. With her cladding now that form and age, she can truly live her life. The life that's hers alone.
I thought that would be the end of her sorrows especially when she and Kelly finally admitted their love for each other.
But I was wrong.
It reemerged the fear that Eve thought she rid of a long time ago.
The fear of becoming like me.
Carrying my memories, using my existence to function back then when she had nothing, she can't completely separate herself from me. She fear for the bitterness and the resentment from the past to resurface either from her or from the people whom I'd hurt.
Due to this, she would wake up every day disgusted of herself and each day, it slowly eats her away.
Then, the time travel thing of Nick and Adalind from 2011 happened and Eve had to see the Nick who was still in love with me, the Nick who was full of dreams that we can have a happy future together, the Nick that I was just about to hurt.
"I'm not gonna rot cleaning up your mess! One day, one day I'm gonna find a way to completely get rid of you!" She got home one night with the foulest mood I'd ever seen her have. She screamed, cursing my existence and my heart bleed because it's all true. "You'll be gone from my life, from their lives. I'm gonna erase you one way or another!"
I wish for the same thing too.
I appeared and embraced her sobbing figure. "Eve, what's wrong?"
"Leave me alone!" She continued to curse but meekly resist when I try to comfort her.
"Eve, it's alright."
"I wish I could erase the past away," she cried, burying her face against my chest. "I don't know how long I could still hold on."
Erase the past. Start anew. A world where she's free. If that world can be created, I won't hesitate to risk everything to build it.
And it can be created. In fact, I'd been working on it for years.
The deep reset had erased that timeline and Eve does not remember it but from the deepest corners of Eve's memories I had by chance found it.
That staff in Nick's possession, it has the power to manipulate time and the potential to even rewrite history.
I had been working on a spell and a matrix of how I could accomplish it if ever I'm able to harness its power. It's completed but without any form of testing, the rate of success is quite slim.
But, there's no better opportunity to make it happen than now as I am sure that Nick will return past Nick and Adalind to 2011 using that staff. It's the only opportunity.
"Eve," I started. "How much do you really want that?"
With a firm resolve, she replied, "More than anything."
"Then listen to me."
"What in the world? EVE!" Nick exclaimed when after sending 2011 Nick and Adalind back, Eve had all of the sudden attacked him and took the staff.
The staff resisted Eve's hold but with the potion she ingested earlier – a potion which can disguise her bloodline for someone else's – kicking in, it submitted to her.
Eve didn't waste time straightening their confusions and immediately activated the staff and apply the spell matrix I created.
A large pillar of light fired up towards the sky and from an empty area in outerspace, a huge hole is opening up and pushing out a second Earth.
This is the Earth of 2011. We summoned it by feeding our Hexenbeist spirit into the staff.
"Eve!" It was Kelly who called at her this time.
"Kelly," Eve smiled weakly.
"What are you doing?"
"I'm sorry Kelly but I can't live in this world anymore."
"W-what are you talking about?" He asked, glancing back and forth between her and the second Earth that's being pulled closer and closer to us.
"This world is not good for me," she said. "Against us. The weight of Juliette's sins, my sins. It eats me away and I can't love the way you deserve."
"So you're just going to destroy it. Is that it?" It was Diana who spoke.
"And start it anew," she countered. "That Earth I summoned is the Earth of 2011, the year where it all began. Once I fuse these two Earths, 2011 will restart and a new history will be written."
"Eve, this is insane!" Nick exclaimed. "I thought you said you didn't want to change the past! Were it all just talks back then?!"
"It is now!" Eve cried back. "Nick, your son is too outstanding and too good for me, and I wanted to be good enough for him as well. But I can't do that if my past as Juliette could someday haunt me. What if I hurt him the way she hurt you. I'd rather die than to have that!"
"Eve, it doesn't matter to me!" Kelly spoke again. "If we have to turn our backs to everything so you will never feel troubled again, I will gladly do that! You're the only one that matters!"
"I'm sorry my love," Eve sobbed. "But I'm not that strong." Then she turned to Nick and Adalind who are still staring at her in horror. "Nick, Adalind, I'm leaving the rest to the two of you."
"What are you talking about?"
Eve didn't reply and fully pour our Hexenbeist spirit into the staff. The pillar of light grows wider and brighter, pulling the Earth of 2011 faster.
"Eve! NO!"
BANG!
Eve smiled and the two Earth finally collided, swallowing everything into a bright white light where the new timeline is being constructed.
Inside this bright light, I appeared behind Eve and embraced her. "I'm sorry," I start to sob, burying me face against her hair. "I'm sorry that you've suffered because of me."
"Juliette," she said softly. "In this new world, are you going to be my mom?"
"I'm not sure," I answered honestly. "But you will be a part of it and so does Kelly, and you two will be together, I can assure you that."
"I hope you'll be my mom. There's still a lot you have to make up with me."
"If fate allows it, I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you."
"Thank you, Ju…no, thank you mom, for loving me."
"Eve." I embraced her tighter before the whiteness swallowed us completely.
Eve and I eventually disappeared but before everything went blank, I saw a glimpse of the new world.
In 2011, after discovering his heritage, Nick left me. I was heartbroken but years later I found a new love. He gave me daughter – Eve.
Meanwhile, Nick saved Adalind from clutches of Catherine and Sean. They marry and were blessed with twins – Kelly and Diana.
Our paths crossed and we became parts of each other's lives again. Kelly and Eve grow up together, bonded, and eventually fall in love.
They were happy.
I wanted to see more but I guess the preview could only show that far.
Well, I guess I'll just have to see to it myself in the new world.
