Chapter 27: Not Enough
February 23rd
February trudged through, the temperature plummeting and the grounds frozen as ever. Elara longed for springtime, to feel the warmth of the sun on her face, as she sat at the window in the library, staring out into the grey skies. She longed for spring until she remembered what spring would bring with it.
The sun, the flowers, the buzzing bees would not be enough to save her from what would come.
She turned her head back down to her notes, scribbling a few things down as she flipped through her Advanced Charms book and tried not to think about the very near deadline that was approaching quickly. She sighed and pushed her hair behind her ears.
"Have you been avoiding me?" Harry's voice shattered her concentration and she looked to her right.
He was standing a few strides from the window seat. His school robes disheveled, and his tie loosened. He had his knapsack slung over his shoulder and he held the strap with one hand while his other hand pushed into his hair and then settled on the back of his neck.
"It really feels like you've been avoiding me." He said.
"I haven't been avoiding you, Harry." Liar! Her mind screamed at her.
"You've been skipping meals. You come early and leave late at all the classes we have together. Hermione even said you've cancelled your study sessions with her… If you're avoiding me, can you at least tell me what I've done wrong?"
"You haven't done anything wrong." I'm the one that's done wrong.
He took a step forward, throwing his hip to the side and stuffing his hand into his pocket. "Why haven't you talked to me since… Well, since we…" He trailed off.
"I've just been trying to get caught up on my class work." She lied, again. "I missed quite a lot while I was… incapacitated. I've been buried and-
He shook his head. "No." He said. "No, I don't believe that."
She arched an eyebrow to him and closed her book, swinging her legs around from the seat and letting them dangle to the ground, her toes barely grazing the carpeted floor. "Harry, I missed nearly five weeks."
"You're brilliant." He said. "You would have been caught up by now. Why aren't you talking to me?"
Because I made a deal with the Devil and I don't want you to get hurt but I'm too selfish to let you down easily, so I'll just push you away until you hate me. "Harry, I'm just trying to get caught up."
He took another step toward her and she felt her heart race. His scent invaded her nose and she breathed it in, slow and deep. "Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." She said. "Are you okay?"
He chuckled and closed the distance between them, sitting on the ledge next to her and tossing his bag on the floor. "Yeah. I'm all right. I thought we could… I thought we'd talk about it at some point. About what happened. I thought maybe you were avoiding me because it was terrible and-
She shook her head. "I'm not avoiding you!" She interrupted. "And it was not terrible."
He bit back a smile and looked away, his hand crept toward hers, fingers lacing together. Guilt wracked through her as she clutched his hand. Just today. She would let herself love him one more day, and then she'd tell him she couldn't be with him anymore. That she couldn't see him and that he was too good for her. She would be brave for him tomorrow; she would break his heart tomorrow. Today she would continue to be selfish. She would be cowardly.
"Harry?" She asked, tilting her head at a very angry looking fifth year girl with wild dark curls and plump lips. "Why is that girl staring daggers at me?"
He chuckled. "That's Romilda Vane." He said. "She's been chasing me all year since the Prophet came out with that ridiculous Chosen One title. She even left me a box of chocolates for Valentine's Day."
"Oh?" Elara said, her eyebrows rising high on her forehead. "A box of chocolates? How romantic."
He smiled and shook his head. "They're probably laced with something. I just hadn't gotten around to throwing them away yet. It seemed rude."
"You think someone has drugged your chocolates, but you're concerned with how rude they think you'll be if you throw them out? You are a strange boy, Harry Potter."
He leaned in and brushed his lips against her neck. "I may be strange, but you still love me."
Her heart dropped. I really do. "Awfully bold of you to assume I still love you after you tell me about a girl chasing you and buying you gifts for Valentine's Day when I'm empty handed, Potter."
"Bold of you to assume I didn't get you anything, Malfoy."
She burst out laughing at the sound of her last name coming from his lips. "You've gotten me something? Let's see it then!"
He leaned over to his knapsack and pulled out an awfully lumpy looking parcel, wrapped in brown parchment. He handed it to her. "It's not much." He said.
She smiled softly, lifting the corners of the parchment and feeling her face split into a wider smile as she pulled out a well-worn maroon sweater with a large H on the front.
"Mrs. Weasley made it for me years ago, it doesn't quite fit anymore and well… You're always wearing those knobby old jumpers. I thought you'd want it."
She held it to her chest. It was soft and smelled like him. "I love it, Harry." She said. "Thank you."
His cheeks flushed and leaned in to press a kiss to the side of her face. "You're welcome. I know it isn't much, but I don't go out much these days and I'm rubbish at getting gifts anyway."
"It's perfect." She said. "Really. It's perfect." She felt her throat close as her heart threatened to choke her.
They sat in amiable silence for a while, Elara clutching the sweater to her chest as she battled her own thoughts. Harry was by far the most caring and thoughtful person she had ever encountered. When Voldemort had invaded her brain and forced her into an answer, it had seemed so clear.
Her family needed her. She had to say yes. She had to join him. She couldn't stand against him and watch him slaughter her family. She couldn't watch him break them down any further. Harry would have done the same, wouldn't he? Wasn't he already? Wasn't he fighting to protect the people he cared about? The only difference was he couldn't afford to lose. So much more than just his loved ones weighed in the balance for him. He was fighting for everyone. But if she and Draco were successful and Dumbledore was…
Would he be successful? Would Harry even stand a chance against Voldemort without Dumbledore to back him? Somewhere, some small part of her thought it doubtful. That was why she had agreed. Because even in the off-chance Voldemort was dethroned, the Order would likely be far more kind in their punishments than he would be, should she choose to fight against him.
"Harry?" She whispered, slowly pulling her eyes to his face.
"Yeah?"
"Do you think… Do you think that The Order will be successful?"
He narrowed his eyes at her, pulling his brow together in confusion. "I don't understand."
She sighed, trying to gather up the bits of broken courage she had left. "Do you believe that you- that all of you… Do you really think that you'll be able to overthrow him? Do you think you'll be able to end this?"
He turned his torso slightly, looking at her straight on. She could feel his apprehension and she almost wished Voldemort wouldn't have made good on that part of their deal. She was happy to feel her abilities had returned when she woke up, but she knew that breaking things off with Harry would be made that much more difficult because of it.
"I think there's something you aren't telling me." He said.
"I've just- I've got a lot on my mind is all and-
"Then talk to me!" He said, his eyes roaming her face in desperation. "Talk to me! Let me help you!"
"There's nothing you can do, Harry!" She said.
"Why are you asking me these questions, then?"
"I just wanted to know your… Stance."
"My stance?" He laughed, incredulously. "My stance?! Well, my stance is that there's an insane muggle hating wizard trying to take over the ministry and kill me in the process. So, you know, I hope that we can."
"Why are you snapping at me?" She asked. She knew she didn't reserve the right to feel hurt that he was being short with her, but she needed to know if he really thought the Order could be successful.
"Why are you suddenly asking me questions about it?!"
"It's been on my mind." She answered.
"Why?"
"What do you mean, why? Because I'm not blind? I can see that things are changing, the same as everyone else!"
"Does this have something to do with why you've been avoiding me?"
"I haven't been avoiding you!" She snapped. "I've just had more important things to focus on!"
"Like your schoolwork?"
She huffed an angry breath and rolled her eyes. "Forget it. Never mind."
"No." Harry said. "No. You don't get to shut me out."
She looked at him, slack jawed. "What does that even mean?"
"It means that you've lied to me and I took it! I forgave you! But you can't keep lying to me!"
"Well clearly you haven't forgiven me if you're throwing it back to my face." She hissed.
"So, you are lying to me?"
"What? No! That's not what I-
"You are." He said. "What aren't you telling me? Why are you asking these kinds of questions?!"
She could feel her blood pressure rising as her anger bit into the back of her throat. This was not how this conversation was supposed to go. She hadn't expected him to see straight through her, to call her out and try to force the truth from her. She had given him as much information as she could now.
She couldn't tell him her plans. She couldn't tell him about the task now. She had wanted to. When he had invaded her memories while she was locked in her head, she had tried to show him the cabinet and explain everything, but it didn't work! Her mind had taken him to a different memory of its own accord and now she couldn't. Her family's lives were at stake. If he found out, he'd surely tell Dumbledore and it would all be for nothing. She would have accepted the Dark Magic for nothing, and they would all be killed.
"I can't…" She said, feeling defeated. "I can't tell you."
"Can't or won't?"
She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath as his anger and betrayal ripped through her chest. "Both." She breathed.
"Ellie, you can tell me anything! You know that! I- I thought I've proven that to you! You can- I'll help you with anything! I love you and I'll do anything I can to-
"And that's the problem, isn't it?" She felt her throat close, the tears stinging her eyes. "That's the problem!"
"What are you talking about?!" Confusion coated his tone, smothering his anger and then sadness reared up behind it.
"You love me." She said. "And that's a problem for you."
He shook his head. "No. No it's not."
"Yes, it is." She turned her eyes to him. They burned with unshed tears. "I can't do this to you anymore, Harry. I can't."
He stood up and stared down at her, his face flushing with anger and jaw clenched as he paced a few feet from her, turning back around with his hands on his hips. "What are you saying?"
She stood, setting the sweater on top of her Charms book and wringing her hands nervously in front of her. She closed her eyes and sighed, allowing a tear to slip from her lashes and trace the curve of her cheek. "I- I don't… I don't know."
"You do." He stepped toward her. "I can see it on your face, Ellie. What are you trying to say?"
"We can't do this… We can't do this anymore."
"Do what?!" His chest was rising and falling rapidly.
"This." She motioned between them. "Us. We can't… I can't be with you anymore."
Harry stared at her in disbelief. She felt another wave of anger from him as it settled into an exhausted sadness. "What did I do?" He asked, his words spilling from his mouth. "What did I do to you that you can't trust me enough to-
"It isn't you, Harry! It isn't about you!"
He let out a sarcastic snort. "It's not me it's you, right?" He shook his head. "That's bullshit, Ellie. That's bullshit and you know it."
She winced at his words and looked around. She was grateful that there were hardly any students in the Library this time of day and she fleetingly wondered if she could still make it to Transfiguration on time. "It's not, though." She whispered. "You're too good, Harry. You're too good for me. If we keep doing this, if we stay together, it's only going to drag you under and you can't afford to be-
"I get to make that decision!" Harry nearly shouted and she flinched. "Not you!"
"You're blinded by love, Harry!"
"You're blinded by hate!" He roared. "You always have been! You've spent months trying to convince me otherwise, but I see it now!"
"I don't hate you!" She pled. "I don't! I just can't watch you fail because of me!"
"You hate yourself, though, don't you?" He said, his words like venom seeping from his mouth. "That's why you're doing this? Because you can't stand the thought of doing the right thing for the right reasons! That's why you keep lying to me! So, what? We shag once, you finally tell me you love me back just to decide later that you don't?!"
"No Harry! No! It's… There's more to it than that! I just…" She tried to gather her breath and connect her thoughts in a logical matter. Leading with emotion wasn't going to help her. He was already too wrapped up in his and if she succumbed to hers, they would get nowhere. "I love you. I do."
He scoffed.
"I do." She repeated.
"But?" he said, clenching his jaw and folding his arms over his chest.
"But sometimes it's not enough." She said. "The world isn't- it isn't rainbows and roses, Harry! Sometimes love just isn't enough."
For him. It wasn't enough for him. Because love had been the driving factor for her family. Her love for her brother and her parents had been the reason she agreed to help the Dark Lord. The reason she was standing here now, telling him it wasn't enough. Because his love would always be enough for her, but hers couldn't be enough for him. He was too important. He was The Chosen One. The only thing her love would do was drown him, and she couldn't be the reason he drowned.
"I know the world isn't rainbows and roses, Elara." He said, fury cutting his words into her. "I know that better than almost anyone. But love will always be enough. I pity you for not knowing that."
He brushed passed her as he picked up his knapsack from the ground. He slung it over his shoulder and sped past her.
"Harry…" She said, her voice cracking. He stopped but didn't turn to look at her. "I'm sorry."
She heard his mirthless laugh. "Yeah. Me too."
He walked out of the library without a backward glance and she slowly moved back to the window seat. She packed her belongings into her bag, stuffed the sweater Harry had given her in after them and put her arms through the straps. She took a deep breath and trudged slowly through the corridors and down the stairs to the dungeons, making her way through the Slytherin common room to her dormitory.
When she closed the door behind her and collapsed onto her bed she sobbed. She didn't know how she was going to end things with Harry, but she hadn't planned on doing it like that. She hadn't planned on not being able to keep control of her own emotions when she did. She hadn't planned on the anger that came from him, the confusion and the betrayal.
For two days she laid in bed. Curled in a ball and staring at the grooves of the wood of her trunk. She only moved to use the loo and once to tell Draco to shove off when he tried to bring her food. She hadn't felt much like eating. She laid, drifting in and out of nightmare filled sleep, wondering if it would make a difference. She had agreed to help Voldemort at the exchange that her family would be allowed their lives. She knew it meant he would have control over her. "hone your abilities" he had said. What did that mean? Did he know enough about empathic ability to teach her how to control the physical manifestation? Could she even control it? Did it matter?
Did any of it matter?
On the second night that she laid in bed, feeling sorry for herself, a knock at the dorm door startled her. She waited to see if they would go away. When the door creaked open, she sighed. She wanted to be left alone and she knew Pansy and even Millicent had good intentions, but she would throw the next sandwich they brought in.
"You dumped Potter, then?"
She sat up, rubbing her swollen eyes as Blaise crept into the room. A steaming bowl in his hands. She narrowed her eyes at him and laid back down, scowling as she stared into the side of her trunk.
"Brought you some soup." He said, setting it on her nightstand.
"I'm not hungry." She mumbled.
"Yeah, I reckoned as much. Draco said when he came in this morning you nearly threw the plate of eggs back at him."
"I told him to leave me alone." She agreed.
"I know." Blaise said. "But you've been sulking up here for a couple days and I'm quite tired of hearing the gossip downstairs. I thought I'd come up here and sit."
"Go away, Blaise."
"I don't think I will, love." He said, sitting on the top of her trunk and looking down at her. His lips tugged into a smile. "You look like shit."
She glared at him. "Choose. Better. Words."
"You look like you've been dragged through the grounds by a wild Hippogriff. Better?"
She continued glaring at him.
"What happened?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"I don't really care." He said. "You've been distant ever since you came back from the Manor. I know what happened, I know that it messes you up to be crucioed like that. But you've changed completely."
"Has it occurred to you, that maybe I just enjoy spending my time alone?"
"It has. But you always spend your alone time in a garden fussing over some sort of dangerous plant or reading. You've never spent your alone time sulking in bed. That's your brother's move."
"I am not sulking." She hissed.
"You are. Now, if you don't want to talk about why you dumped Potter in the library then that's fine by me. But you had better figure out an answer for the question because nearly the entire school is going to ask you when you come out of this room."
"I'll stay here then."
Blaise rolled his eyes. "Malfoys. Forever with the dramatics."
She sat up again and pulled her knees up to her chest. "I am not being dramatic. I'm sad. And how does the entire school know?"
"Well it wasn't a particularly quiet conversation, according to Romilda Vane. She's almost as big a gossip as Pansy."
She rolled her eyes. "Well I'm sure she's ecstatic. Turns out she had been trying to pursue Harry for quite some time."
"Well apparently she'll just have to keep pining because no one has seen him for days either."
She looked at Blaise, who was now holding the bowl of soup and bringing the spoon to his own mouth. "What do you mean?"
"I mean," He said, between bites. "He's gone M.I.A too. Even his Weasel hasn't heard anything from him. Panse said she thought she saw him walking toward Dumbledore's office yesterday, but aside from that, no one's talked to him."
"He was supposed to just go on with his life." She murmured, wrapping her arms around her knees and setting her chin a top them. "He's got more important things to do."
"Well, you see, when someone breaks your heart, it's usually quite difficult to pull yourself together immediately following. I assume the tosser has been locked up in his room being just as dramatic as you're being."
"Don't call him that." She spat.
"D'you want the bread I brought up? I put butter and salt on it, just how you like. Can't eat it myself, trying to drop a few before the season starts back up."
"Why did you bring me soup and bread if you're just going to eat it, anyway?"
He laughed. "I've just told you I won't be eating the bread. But it's chicken soup and it's too good to waste. So, if you're going to be difficult, I'll eat it."
"Which bread is it?"
"That sour one you like, with the hard crust."
She put out her hand and he placed the hunk of buttered bread in her palm. "There you go. At least I can tell Draco you've eaten something."
She glared at him as she took small bites of the bread. "I'm not going to tell you what happened."
"Good, I don't really care." He slurped the soup.
She gave him a side glance from the corner of her eyes and sighed. "I had to end it."
"You did." He nodded. "Obviously."
"It… It just didn't make sense anymore. For us to be a couple."
"Of course."
"And he, he's got a job to do. He has to keep focused."
"That's important, staying focused." Blaise agreed.
"And… And I've got things to worry about. Things that aren't going to work out properly if Harry is involved."
"Naturally."
"So, I had to. I had to end it. He's too good for me, he's always been too good for me. And I- well, I manipulated him."
"You lied to him."
She looked up at him and nodded, looking back down to her bread. "I lied to him. And I just keep lying to him."
"And to me."
"And to…" She looked at him again, his mouth was on the rim of the bowl as he slurped the rest of the soup down. "What are you doing?"
He smacked his lips and licked them. "Eating your soup."
"No." She said, shaking her head. "No, you're being cheeky. Why are you being cheeky?"
"I am doing no such thing."
She sighed. "Why are you here, Blaise?" She put her hand up to cut him off before he spoke. "And I swear to Merlin if you say to bring me soup or some rubbish like that, I'll hit you."
He chuckled, setting the empty bowl back on the stand. "What happened to you over holiday? I know about Draco being forced to torture you… But ever since you've been back, you've been different. You seem… scared, almost."
She bit into the bread again and slowly chewed, shaking her head and looking back down into her blankets as she felt the tears well back up behind her eyes. "You'll hate me."
"Don't tell me how I'll feel." He said, sternly. "I won't hate you."
Slowly, she pushed up the sleeve of the shirt she was wearing, revealing the branded skin beneath it. She heard him gasp and try to cover it by clearing his throat.
Anger. Shock. Disappointment.
"Ellie…" Sadness.
She shook her sleeve back down and set her head back on her knees. "I couldn't keep lying to him. He knew I was marked, but he didn't know what happened after."
"What happened after?" Blaise pressed.
She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I ran out of options, Blaise. I ran out of options and now I'm so far in over my head that I couldn't bring him down with me too."
She waited. She waited for him to yell at her, to get up and leave, to hex her. Something. Instead, he remained silent. His emotions swirling in and out of changing. Finally, he cleared his throat. "I told you, Ellie, that one day you would fall on a sword for them that you couldn't heal from."
Her heart sank. "I know."
"There's no chance to heal from this one, is there?"
She shook her head. "No."
She heard him click his tongue against the roof of his mouth a few times. "You can't hide in this room forever, El. Draco and I have covered for you where we can, but people are starting to talk. You need to clean yourself up and bury it."
She pulled her eyebrows together in confusion. Blaise was rarely this direct with anyone. "Bury it?"
"Bury it." He repeated. "This feeling sorry for yourself nonsense. You did this. You took the mark, you broke it off with Potter, you lied. Now, straighten your back and remember who you are. You may be quiet and sweet, but you're a Malfoy. And I know that somewhere in that ridiculous blonde head of yours, there's a brain. Act like you have one and move forward with your life. Sitting in this bed all day, crying about the choices you've made is not going to help you."
She looked at him and scowled. To her surprise, he laughed.
"There you go. That's a look I'm familiar with." He said.
"You're a very peculiar wizard, Zabini." She said, some how feeling lighter after his odd pep talk of sorts.
He stood and shrugged. "I've been called worse. Now get up. There's an evening Hogsmeade trip and I want you to come with me."
"I don't quite feel like-
"I don't quite care. I wasn't asking you. Everyone is too afraid to upset you further, as if you're fragile." He chuckled. "Now, get up, get dressed, and meet me and Draco down in the common room in fifteen minutes or I'll drag you down there myself." He brushed the front of his trousers off and took long strides out the room, closing the door behind him.
What in the world was that? She thought, swinging her feet to the edge of the bed, feeling the cool caress of the wood floor. She opened her trunk and pulled out a pair of jeans, holding them in her hands for moment, she looked up to the mirror across the room. You are a Malfoy she thought Act like it.
She stuffed the jeans back into her trunk and pulled out a pair of thick black tights and black dress that had long sleeves and a cinched waist. The skirt fluttered loosely from her hips and ended mid thigh. She slipped her feet into black boots and used a quick charm to freshen her hair, allowing it to fall over her shoulders, parted down the middle. She stared at herself in the mirror, righting her posture and setting her jaw.
She looked like a pureblooded witch. Like a fierce, put-together witch who would hex anyone who looked at her crossly. She didn't feel as confident as the outfit suggested, but Blaise was right. She needed to gather herself and pull it together. At least if she looked like a Malfoy, the way her brother had told her to carry herself from the start, maybe people would leave her alone and she could get through the rest of the term without anyone bothering her.
Without Harry looking at her the way he used to.
She snatched her wand off the top of her trunk, stuffed it into her sleeve and walked down to the common room.
.
a/n: Ah, the break up. Ever looming, finally happened. Tell me your thoughts.
I'd like to say this was not the original break up I had planned for them, but it's what happened when I wrote this chapter. The next few chapters, the timeline if going to feel like it's moving pretty quick, but I want to get into the thick of it-so heads up about that.
The Song I listened to after writing this chapter was When the Party's Over by Billie Eilish. Perfectly weepy and desperate, as a good break up song should be.
If you're interested, my MACUSA based(ish?) Dramione Alliance has it's first chapter posted! There's a TON of my original characters in it. Like, there's literally 15 or so. So check that out, let me know what you think!
With that said, I have the next chapter of HH ready to go, just need to edit and what not, so that should be up in the next couple of days. I'm trying to keep the updates as frequent as possible. I know they're a little erratic, but I post when I have 2 chapters ahead! And sometimes that happens quick, sometimes it takes longer!
Please review! You know how they make my heart swoon!
Until next time!
xo
mimi
